It was official. Pro-Hero galas were the worst.
Oh, it wasn't that I disliked the networking - far from it, I was quite happy to talk to all the heroes Enji introduced me to, since they were industry veterans and excellent additions to my network of associates. However, I underestimated the sheer length of the event itself and how many people ended up approaching to talk to me; after almost five hours of nonstop conversation, my smile was beginning to grow increasingly strained.
My thirteenth birthday had come and gone, and Enji finally deemed me ready to show off to his friends and associates. He'd brought me to charity events and photoshoots previously, but no mention was made of my quirk or our training together. He was very tight lipped about that, and set his PR machine to work building the image of us as a happy father and daughter - probably a good thing for my future career since it would let me piggyback off his success, and a consideration I was sure he'd made.
The event Enji chose to bring me to this time was was known as the Sky Egg Gala - held within the famous Tokyo Sky Egg tower some six hundred meters above sea level, this gala an annual meet and greet established for prestigious Pro-Heroes to connect and get them wined and dined and in the mood to talk. Furthermore, Pro-Heroes were encouraged to bring along their children or a plus one, making the prospect of attending the Sky Egg Gala a highly coveted one in high society. This gala was such a big event that even foreign Pros and visiting dignitaries were in attendance, and as such, the hosts did their best to decorate the venue.
Large paper lanterns and cherry pink sakura blossoms lined the ceiling, brightening the dome with a dazzling array of colors, while the standard auditorium seats were torn out in favor of low hanging tables and inset mats for the guests to sit on. Chilled sake was periodically served to anyone who wanted it, and it wasn't uncommon to hear partnerships and business deals being formed over the dozens of dishes served in the multi-course Kaiseki; the food was carefully curated by top artisanal chefs and displayed on lacquered bark platters and all manner of fine tableware.
As I glumly poked at the grilled salmon in my bowl and counted down the hours, I realized with some horror that Enji was off talking to yet another hero, and that they'd soon return to our table - whereupon I'd be drawn into the conversation and asked to introduce myself once again. I slid out of my seat and excused myself immediately to go to the bathroom. Enji watched me leave with his eyebrows raised but didn't say anything.
Thank you, my grateful eyes communicated. I made for the doors and swiftly sneaked out.
In the five years that I'd come to know Enji, I'd learned a number of things about him - the most important of which was that his life revolved around heroics. Everything was related to it in some way or other, including my own training. And I could exploit that fact to get away with a lot of stuff. For all his faults, Enji was a very pragmatic and reasonable man. He only demanded one thing from me: competence, and nothing more.
As long as I didn't royally screw up my training or fall behind, Enji gave me a lot of freedom. I'd abused that knowledge to follow Kyoka to Besubin, and I was doing the same now to escape from the endless conversations in the main auditorium of the Tokyo Sky Egg.
Outside on the spiral glass walkway there were more Pros milling about, but considerably less so compared to the interior. I spotted Gang Orca doing his best impression of a smile for one of his younger fans next to the railing, and a ridiculously obese man who I vaguely remembered was named Fatgum chowing down on literal platters of food to his left.
Those were the only two Japanese Pros of note that I recognized outside; I didn't pay too much attention to the rankings. That was Enji's thing. There were some foreign looking Pros or regular civilians, but I wasn't actually sure if they were foreign or not. If there was one thing I'd learned in my third life, it was that you should never judge someone's nationality by appearance.
The German looking guy with blond hair and green eyes was actually a Japanese middleschooler, and the petite girl with a literal tank cannon for a head was… well, you couldn't really tell with that one. Point was, hair color and other facial features had become so bizarre nowadays that it wasn't a good indicator of nationality anymore.
I wasn't in the mood to talk to any more Pros for a while so I veered right and ascended the spiraling walkway, making my way up to the rooftop and admiring the view as I climbed. When I made it far enough that the noise from the gala died down, I leaned onto the steel railings and peered over the edge.
This late in the evening, the setting sun dyed the skyline an incandescent red, mixing with the lighter oranges and yellows that shrunk with the sun's descent to create a beautiful tapestry for my eyes. The city looked tiny from this distance. I observed cars and trucks barrelling down the road, flashing lights and neon signs from restaurants - my breath hitched a little when I saw the dense mass of salarymen trying to beat the evening traffic as they rushed to cross the street and make it to the train station.
Due to the windows, I couldn't feel any wind, but I closed my eyes and imagined it anyways. However, before I could reminisce about my first life any further I was abruptly knocked onto the ground as some kid sprinted past.
"Hey!" I shouted indignantly as I got up. "What gives?"
"Sorry!" The short kid shouted back at me. He continued running, veering around the corner without any sign of stopping. "I'm having a competition with my brother I'll make it up to you later-" his voice trailed off as he burst up the walkway, leaving only echoes behind to accompany me.
I stood there crossly, and not even a moment later two people came down - the short kid from earlier and a taller Pro clad in what was obviously a hero costume. The Pro frog marched the kid until he was in front of me and introduced himself. He bowed. "Tensei Iida, Hero name Ingenium at your service. I'd like to apologize for my idiotic younger brother's actions. Iida! Come apologize to this nice young lady."
The shorter kid, Iida, did his best impression of a robot soldier and straightened up instantly, snapping to attention and standing ramrod straight. I half expected him to do a salute given his behavior.
Iida clasped his hands and shouted, "Iida Tenya apologizes for his unseemly behavior! I thought the walkway would be emptier and didn't consider that I might run into someone! Please forgive me!"
I stayed silent and just stared at Iida. That was when I noticed something weird.
IIda's face was… red. His gut seemed abnormally large. Human growth hormone? That looks like bubble gut. However, I didn't say anything. I just kept glaring at Iida. The more I glared and stared the more he sweated, and he started foaming at the mouth eventually and physically twitching.
I flinched at his sudden twitching. "Are you okay dude?"
Iida flopped onto the ground like a fish and started spazzing, convulsing like a washing machine and shaking side to side. His red face became even more abnormally veiny as he choked and coughed, struggling to breathe and having to physically exert himself just to inhale air. "I'm suffering trenbolone withdrawals," he croaked weakly. "The weight of your stare was too heavy, and it made me feel nervous."
What? All I could do was stare at him with my mouth open. Why are they letting this kid use gear? Even Enji doesn't use steroids!
The Pro next to Iida took off his helmet to reveal an equally red face similar to Iida's own. "Hold on Iida!" The Pro shouted. "I've got your juice ready for you!" He knelt down next to his brother, sliding a needle out from his leg strap and pinning it directly into Iida's arm with a hiss, causing him to visibly relax.
"Tensei, I'll be okay," Iida gasped, his tremors finally subsiding as the steroids did their job. "Oh yeah, that's the good stuff…"
"It's always the good stuff," Tensei agreed with a smile. "Remember our promise Iida?"
Iida brightened up considerably at his brother's words. "Yeah big bro. We're the tren twins of Trenidad and Trenmark! Let's do the thing!"
"TREN HARD!" Tensei shouted.
"EAT CLEN!" Iida shouted too.
"ANAVAR GIVE UP!"
The two brother's shirts exploded as they flexed in place, revealing toned physiques and rippling muscles. "TREN TWINS FOREVER! TRENNING HARD AND EATING CLEN! ANAVAR GIVE UP, WE'LL DBOLISH OUR GOALS, WINSTROL EVERYTHING!"
"We have to go work off our steam in the gym," Tensei informed me, sweeping Iida up and slinging him over his shoulder. "Sorry miss, he'll be more careful next time. It's my dereliction of duty that caused my younger brother to run into you, so please contact me if you need any compensation."
With that, both brothers ran off into the sunset - that is to say, down the spiralling walkway and out of my sight. I was left standing there horribly confused.
What on earth did I just witness?
"I'm being punished by Being X," I whispered, voicing my suspicions aloud. "There's no way this is real. This has to be a bad dream of some kind. Or a bad trip…"
I was definitely being punished by Being X.
After that little run in with the so called Tren Twins, I went straight to my father and had myself checked to see if I'd been influenced by any hallucinatory quirks. Enji was immediately concerned the moment I mentioned my concerns, so he called over one of his sidekicks and had me scanned.
The results turned up inconclusive, which was worrying, but Enji assured me that I should be fine. He dismissed my concerns after that and told me to just wait for the main event to start, since All Might was preparing to give a big speech to commemorate the latest Sky Egg Gala of the year.
My realization that Being X was certainly screwing with me didn't happen until much later in the evening, when All Might leapt down onto the central stage of the main auditorium with a mighty thud, literally crashing through the ceiling and bringing down tons of steel infrastructure with him. He deftly caught each piece in his hand and executed a superb throw, launching them like comets back into the atmosphere.
"People of JAPAN!" He boomed, striking an American pose. "I AM HERE!"
The assembled crowd of Pros and civilian dignitaries started cheering loudly.
"WITH NEW MERCH!" All Might opened his fist to reveal brand new T-shirts clenched within with his face emblazoned onto the front, and he threw them into the crowd. People started fighting over the articles of clothing immediately, to the point that some of the nearby Pros had to intervene to stop the fighting.
The crowd cheered harder, and then another man descended through the hole in the ceiling All Might made using a jetpack, gouts of flame flaring out from the boosters in a way which reminded me eerily of Enji's own methods of flight.
"Let us give a round of applause to David Shield, my best friend and genius inventor!" All Might announced loudly.
"Give me your babies David!" One of the people in the stadium hollered at him.
David put all of his fingers into the air and bent them into the peace symbol, flashing multiple V signs at everyone in the crowd and doing the cool rockstar sign that I didn't know the name of. "Let me do the presentation first and maybe I'll think about it!"
Seated far in the back of the auditorium, I was grasping at straws to maintain my sanity. Being X, when I get my hands on you… Enji ignored all my concerns and just focused on the man standing proudly on stage, his teeth gritted in abject jealousy. Now's not the time dad! I wanted to shout. We're all under an illusion of some kind!
All Might and David Shield dapped each other up and followed with a fist bump, warmly hugging one another before turning back to the stage.
"Tonight, we're announcing more than just All Might's new merch line," David Shield shouted over the noise of the crowd. "I need some silence everyone!"
He waited for the crowd to quiet down, and then David took a deep breath. "Before I say anything else, I want to tell the story of how All Might and I became friends. I'm sure everyone here knows who I am. I was All Might's sidekick in America, and we've gone on so many adventures together that even his All-Mighty Comics feature me in every edition. But has anyone ever wondered what our origin story was?"
"Think about it," David urged. "Despite sixty nine editions of All Might's All-Mighty Comics, our shared origin story has been revealed. Why is this the case?"
"I'll tell you!" All Might interrupted, his voice blasting over his friend's and deafening the crowd. "I met David in college because he was my first steroid dealer! That's right! Don't be so surprised everyone! It's true! I never would have gotten as massive as I am today without the help of David's super engineered steroids. In fact, I owe David so much that I've collaborated with him today to make those very same steroids available for everyone!"
All Might opened his other massive hand to reveal a small plastic bag full of yellow needles, carefully opening the zip-lock and withdrawing a few to hold up to the light. "Behold! All-Mighty Trenbolone! Guaranteed to let you pack on some muscle and crush villains with your sheer physique!"
"That's not all either!"
David's jetpack transformed into a segmented blue forcefield that covered his entire body, glowing dangerously and flashing as it did. "I've also invented the All-Mighty Shield! Inspired by the ancient hero Liver King's nine ancestral tenets - the SHIELD tenet, I've created a forcefield that can block all 5G signals and harmful chemicals from seed oils! You'll never lower your testosterone ever again!"
"Incidentally," David added, "that's also how I got my last name! I was known as David Sword in the past, but I've come to realize that heroics is about protecting others, and with the discovery of Liver King's SHIELD tenet, I was finally inspired to change my name to represent my true calling!"
"Who wants to test out the strength of this forcefield?" David shouted, thrusting his hands outward. "Who will be the first to eliminate 5G radiation from their bodies!?"
"Me!" I bellowed, drawing some gazes from the Pro-Hero crowd towards my comparatively shorter body. "I'll do it!"
"What are you doing Tanya?" Enji hissed immediately. "The source of our fire quirk IS 5G radiation from Pre-Quirk Age cell service towers! Putting on that forcefield will prevent you from using your quirk for the rest of your life!"
Undeterred, I shoved Enji out of the way and used my flames to boost myself up to the stage. Enji tried to stop me, but I just blasted him in the face with heavenflame to keep him down. By now, I was fully confident that Being X must have drawn me into some kind of bizarre mirror world, otherwise I never would have attacked my own father so casually.
"I'll prove this invention doesn't work!" I declared as loudly as I could. "Being X, you damned bastard! I'll break this illusion of yours and return to the REAL WORLD!"
With that, I blustered forward and snatched the All-Mighty Shield from David's hands and equipped it; much like a backpack, it had straps that went over your shoulder and needed to be secured in place. I looked to David and All Might when he was done for encouragement.
"Here goes!" David shouted madly. "Three, two, one…"
The world exploded and stars flashed before my eyes.
"Tanya!" Someone patted my cheek, making me groan. I forced my eyes open and was met with a strangely familiar face.
"Jrio?" I asked in disbelief. "How are you here?"
Jiro looked at me incredulously. "What do you mean, how am I here? We were celebrating your thirteenth birthday party last night!"
My head was spinning so hard I couldn't even see Jiro properly. "I don't believe you," I slurred. "It's Being X! You're not real!"
As I tried to get up to my feet, Jiro just grabbed my arms and sat me back down onto the bed with a face palm. "I swear this is the last time I'm sneaking you alcohol Tanya…"
AN: Go read Anabolic Hero.
AN 2: For those who don't understand yet this is April Fools! I wrote a crossover with my other MHA fic, Anabolic Hero. It's about Izuku Midoriya abusing steroids.
