I told them in the morning, and Sage rushed out of the tent to check his car. It was okay; there were just dirty prints along the trunk and window, dusty from drying overnight. Some of them were imprints of giant nostrils—more horse than bear. The rest were long-fingered, sharp prints that looked like a clawed human hand.
"It must be aliens!" said Neptune. "Or giant lizards!"
"It's neither of those, numbskull," I said. I smacked a fist into my open palm. "Cryptids don't exist. It was obviously Ruby and Penny pulling one back on us. They follow us back to the campsite and bam! Leave mixed evidence. Just be glad they couldn't get the trunk open."
After that, Sage unlocked said trunk to bring out the pieces of our hoax. Neptune and Scarlet started practicing their surprised faces.
We assembled the creature in the cabin. It turned out like this: We bent the tines on the pitchfork so that we could swivel the head in different directions. We attached the broom arms to a few strings of wire wrapped around the handle, and took some of the scraggly hair off the wig to put on the bottom and the coat. We drilled through the cut-off broom pieces so the monster could have wrists to move around too. Awesome, right? Now all we had to do was find some good locations for the irrefutable faked photos.
We brought our pal around the trails, setting up photo shoots at various locations. We stopped by the waterfall to prop with it like we were on a road trip. After the camera snapped, Scarlet saw a patch of red cape fluttering between the trees. Neptune scrambled up a pine tree with the fake as Ruby appeared from the woods.
She saw us. "You."
She leered as she sidled out to the trail edge, holding her camera in the opposite direction. "Fancy meeting you here," she said. She peered imperiously over the cliff edge. "Pretty nasty fall."
What intimidation was she trying to pull? "No need to get all threatening," I said.
She sighed. "True. I do have to hand it to you—you got one over on me." She started flapping a photo she was holding, developing it into view.
"So, got any more paranormal proof?" I asked.
"Plenty, and they're going to knock yours flat. No peeking," she said, yanking the camera farther away. "Oh, but if you're going to go looking down the far west, watch out for the cranky guy. He came over waving a knife at me when I took some shots on a boulder. 'Get off my lawn!' How was I supposed to know it was a lawn?"
"Unless he had a fence up, you couldn't," said Sage.
"Well, we went through something crazy last night, and it didn't involve any cranky guys." I smacked my fist into my palm again. "Someone came by and messed up our campsite. They left cryptid prints on Sage's car!"
Ruby's eyes widened in sparkly wonder. "Whoa, really? You were contacted by a cryptid beast!" She was good at faking it. She zoomed over. "Did you get any shots? What do the prints look like?"
"No cheating, Ruby," I said, holding the Scroll above her with my tail. "If we can't see your photos, you can't see ours."
"Not until the results," Scarlet added.
"Yeah, when you get BEST RUNNER-UP." Ruby jumped around and looked back at us, smile shining bright. "I gotta go. The paranormal cannot wait!"
She raced into the wild. After she disappeared, tree branches above us crackled. Neptune fell out in a rush of pine needles, clinging to the Goatman as he hit the earth. Pinecones and branches scattered around the dirt.
"Dude," said Scarlet.
Neptune stayed on the ground. "How are trees almost as bad as water?"
We checked the prop for damage control and struck north. Deep into a trail that was leading into slopes, we saw Penny.
Neptune tucked the prop into a hollow log. Penny turned around, saluted. "Salutations, Team SSSN! What brings you to the trail today?" She jittered and held two fingers to her ear. "Greetings, Father. I am logging in at 1431 hours and approximately seven seconds. I'm doing fine! As you can see, I'm enjoying the beautiful outdoors with all the ability of my human body. I'll check back with you again at our scheduled time."
She zipped up straight. "Yes. All very normal. Are you perhaps seeking more signs of the paranormal?"
"Yeah, sure," I said. "Real interesting results so far."
"Sounds great! Hey, how about a wager? I found some tracks inside these plants. I'm on the trail of whatever made them, but maybe you could figure it out first. If you do, I'll make you an offer you can't refuse."
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
She thought about it. "20 pounds of Iron Grinder comic book issues!"
I threw my hand into hers. "Sure!"
How hard could it be to make out a deer or a raccoon? Neptune and I nodded at Sage and Scarlet to go ahead. We needed to keep an eye on the prop. Penny led them up the first slope into a bed of tear-shaped green leaves. "Right here."
They bent over to look. "They look like a size eleven pair of human boots," Sage said. He lifted an empty beer bottle. "If this is any indication."
"They're leading out east," Scarlet pointed.
Penny inspected the bottle. "That's the stuff that makes people act funny." She started reciting commercial slogans. "Don't drink and drive! Alcohol under twenty-one is prohibited! You do the crime, you do the time!" In the middle of her PSA, Scarlet surreptitiously raised his Scroll and took a picture of her.
"It's just a drunk guy, Penny," Sage said. "Nothing paranormal."
Somehow Penny still looked excited as she slumped. "Well darn. I was sure this was going somewhere."
"Oh, too bad," I said, trying to cut the conversation short. "Gonna have to chase something else. Better luck next time."
"I suppose so. Well, it was good re-engaging with you in this exciting time. Good luck to you on the hunt!" Penny disappeared behind the slope.
Sage and Scarlet left the leaf patch. We were headed to the rocky trail below the waterfall, but as we got nearer Scarlet started to tic. "I'm getting itchy." He scratched at his shin and ankles.
Sage started scratching his wrist. "What?" The beer bottle started thumping against his side. "Dude! This is painful!"
"And it's getting worse!" said Scarlet.
Then it hit us: Penny had lured them into poison ivy! Nep and I backed away, trying not to get infected. "Not how it works," Sage grunted, while Scarlet looked ready to burst out of his skin.
"Better you than me," said Neptune.
"Come on, let's make sure the prop's okay," I said.
"Shut up! Let's just get back to camp," said Sage.
"Calamine lotion, stat!" said Scarlet.
We headed back, where they slathered up. With them out of commission, Nep and I decided to get a few shots by ourselves and then wait to make a nighttime reel. After getting back, we packed down to do campsite stuff before waiting out the sunset.
The guys were in the tent again. Night was crossing the Peak, and I closed my eyes for a nap. When I woke up the windows were black, the cabin gleaming dark gray in my night vision. It was after one! I rolled out of bed to get to work. Eyes still blinking awake, I slogged to the cabin front and opened the door.
Something smelled rank in the night, and I mean rank. Musty, sweaty, with an undertone of rotted meat. It also smelled like it was coming from something with fur, so it was like three times more pungent. I sniffed my tail, then went to the tent. "Come on, lazybones, time to catch a cryptid."
There was some rustling, then Neptune's muffled voice. "Is it night already? Man." They shuffled out of the tent. Sage was the first to notice the smell, but Scarlet voiced it. "Is that, like, rancid meat getting breathed around the camp?"
We looked at each other and spread out. We checked around the campsite, but didn't find anything that could have been making that smell. Scarlet followed where it was strongest, then looked off into a distant trail. "It went that way a little while ago." Scarlet has this weird way with scents. We took a can of beans as a distraction, then lined up to prowl after the culprit.
We passed through a dip in the trail that led to a river, with plenty of trees for cover on the other side. We crossed, the water concealing our footsteps, and hid behind different plants around the area. The woods were quiet. We waited, watching Scarlet's cue and moving slowly around to peek from our hiding spots.
I was waiting by a thick pine tree next to some blackberry bushes. I shifted position, then felt soft nostrils push into my hair from behind.
"Sage, what the fuck?" I started elbowing him back, but saw him on the other side of our spread-out, staring with Neptune while Scarlet was flopping behind a bush, holding his throat. That's when I realized whatever was behind me was too tall to be Sage. And would the woods at night normall be this quiet? The thing opened its mouth, leaving drool and the horrid stench of rotted meat around my neck. Its nose was soft, wide, and floppily movable, like a horse…or a goat.
I whipped around, and saw the figure rear up to a massive seven feet, horns on its head, fur thick and musty, and dried blood on its body. Its eyes glowed in my night vision, two ovals glowing right back.
I wanted to say, "AWWW, SICK!" What I really said was, "AAAAAAAHHHH!" I punched it in the stomach and jumped back. The thing lurched backwards, but stood right up again like it was nothing. Its body was lean and humanlike. It roared, petrifying my bones with an unearthly shriek while slogging more of that nasty drool on me. It kicked up dirt as it reached out an arm.
It swiped at my belt, missing my side. I dodged, then dodged again. Suddenly dense projectiles flew threw the air and hit it—Sage and Neptune were throwing rocks. The thing slung its neck left and right, waving off the damage. It set its sight back on me, and swiped for my belt again.
"OLOOLOOLOOLOOO!" Scarlet called. "OLOOLOOLOOOOOO!"
"What the hell, man?" said Neptune.
I leapt out of the way, then got the smarts to look at my belt. It was where I had hooked up the can of beans. I yanked it off and waved it. "You want the beans?" I said as the thing's head followed it around. "You getting tired of fresh meat? Well, here you go!" I launched it into the woods. The thing tore after it, thumping up the dirt like it had hooves. There was an electronic snap—someone had fumbled a photograph. We were gone before the thing disappeared into the trees.
We yelled as we were running back to the camp. "What did you make that deer sound for, man?" Neptune asked Scarlet.
"It was an alarm call!"
"You couldn't have smelled it first?" I said.
"A bug got in my nose! I was coughing it out!"
We made it to the campsite and pelted inside the cabin. For a minute we heaved for breath.
"What…what was that?" said Sage.
"I got a photo," Scarlet wheezed on the floor.
We gathered around to see. Scarlet held up his Scroll, which was open to a shaky shot of the thing running into the woods. Because he had been farther away, the photo captured a tilted angle of me and the pine tree I was behind, with the thing's head and shoulders blurring past a conveniently tall bush. We took it in.
"Cryptid photos are always hard to make out, right?" said Neptune. "We're gonna win!"
"I can't believe we saw the Goatman!" said Scarlet.
"It was not." I got up, dusting off my jacket and jeans. "Goatman isn't real. It was something else."
"Yeah, like what?" said Sage.
"Yeah, didn't you see it in your night vision?" said Scarlet.
"I saw it partially. Because of the teeth trying to eat me? It was probably a rangy bear or a radioactive deer even, or a homeless guy who's been out in the woods so long, he's grown goatlike traits. Not a goatman."
"Technically," mentioned Neptune.
"Hey. I felt sharp teeth behind me, okay?"
"So you felt them without having them touch you and you know they were sharp?"
"Flat teeth would mean a goat. It wasn't Goatman. But look at all this slime that got on me. Wanna use that as evidence too?"
Sage photographed the back of my head, everyone crowding around to check it out. Not only drool, the thing left goopy yellow snot in my hair too. Wicked! Then I went to shower it off. You think I'm gonna be like my friends, thumping back to bed all sweaty and drooled up?
We returned to the site the next day, and the beans were trashed. Ripped, gouged metal was all that was left, the can rent with claw and fang marks too big to score cleanly across it. I guess we didn't need a can opener anymore.
