How long have I been locked away in my own home?

Days? Weeks? It's felt like years, but probably hasn't been over a week in reality. The silence in the atmosphere was deafening..

The heart in my chest ached, the emotional pain had turned physical. I felt like I was trapped in limbo inside my own body. I was so tired, I found myself in an endless cycle of self inflicted mental torment followed by restless sleep.

My body grew sore from lying in bed for days, and I felt sick and weak with no energy to pull myself out of bed. My eyes were sore and puffy, having cried myself into dehydration long ago. Food didn't even sound appealing at the moment, but the dizzy nausea screamed at me that I needed something.

Maybe some crackers, to take the edge off. I tried to will my body into motion, but the muscles in my limbs screamed in protest. I'll let them win a little longer, after all I don't even feel hungry.

I gazed up at the ceiling, not seeing the ceiling but instead reliving recent events. I finally accepted my feelings for Natsu, only to be crushed when I was ready to open up. Now I was bound to silence, how was I going to move forward with all this weight in my head?

As much as I wanted to just lay here and evaporate into nothingness, part of me held onto the fact that I knew it wouldn't be long until I'd have to return to my life as normal. Or as normal could be from now on, I'll forever be haunted by the image of them together.

I sighed out loud, trying to push the thoughts away. Maybe.. Maybe it was nothing. Could I have imagined it? Surely that's wishful thinking. No, what I saw, it was real. Along with all the crushing feelings it left. Maybe it wasn't as it seemed though, right? Maybe it was just a fluke. Or just one of Natsu's crazy spur of the moment things, that meant nothing?

Something inside my stomach fluttered, maybe that was all. Did I jump the gun and over react?

I tried to focus on that, the possibility of this all just being some silly misunderstanding. It was hard to shake the cold, gripping feeling that it was all just wishful thinking. It was a pretty solid feeling that I knew I wasn't wrong, Natsu made a choice. His choice wasn't me.

Was I ever an option in the first place? I'd allowed myself to go down that path without ever having a real reason in the first place, sure others seemed to have seen it too. Like Mira, but then again she tried to play matchmaker with everyone. Never once had Natsu ever really expressed any interest in me before, aside from being his normal protective self. The way he was with any of his guildmates, his friends, his family. I was never special, outside of that.

He chose. He didn't choose me, the physical crushing feeling was getting overbearing again. I pushed it away, forcing my energy into sitting upright in bed. My body screaming at the action of movement, the single action alone was exhausting. I wanted nothing more than to just switch sides and lay back down again, giving into the tiredness once more.

No, you can't. I told myself. It's been days now, surely someone from the guild has noticed my absence. They're probably worried about me by now, the last thing I told anyone was that I wasn't feeling good. Realizing I'd have to swallow my pride and return to the guild gave me anxiety, hopefully from the outside looking in I hadn't appeared like a child throwing a fit and storming out. I don't remember leaving, I barely remember making it home at all. What if I return and it's awkward?

What if everyone knows already? It would be my own fault, I curse myself for not knowing how to control my emotions. Like a spoiled child, I felt like throwing up again. If I did maybe I'd feel better. I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself before the next energy zapping task.

I moved myself off the bed, nearly falling over as I stood upright. Sea legs on land? No just dehydration kicking me in the shins. I staggered to the bathroom, if I was to just throw up maybe I'd feel better.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub, staring at the toilet. I felt sick, but I had nothing to dispel from my stomach. Maybe I should just go back to bed.

No, I needed to clean myself up. I felt disgusting. I peeled my days old clothing off my body, the smell of my skin making my stomach twist uncomfortably. Gross, Lucy. I scolded myself as I twisted the hottest water I could handle on, watching steam fill the bathroom and fog the mirror before I stood up and stepped into the shower.

Normally I loved my hot showers, they typically offered comfort and an escape from my real world problems. Today however, I just felt numbed. I let the water fall over me, closing my eyes and imagining what drowning must feel like. Not like I haven't come close to it on countless previous missions, especially with Aquarius as one of my spirits. The hotheaded water bearer seemed to have a favorite pastime of trying to drown me whenever I summoned her.

Finding no inner peace taking a shower, I quickly washed up before I could allow anymore thoughts to come over me. Taking note that I was nearly out of strawberry shampoo and conditioner, I'll have to make a trip to the market to restock. Just another task that required energy, I felt heavier by the second.

Turning off the water, I stood there for a second. Feeling the heat of the shower exhaust me more. I needed to put food into my body before I blacked out. I wrapped myself in one of my favorite pink shower towels, the soft fuzzy on my skin that would normally make me feel fancy and rejuvenated felt like nothing right now.

I forced a classic pout out of myself, "come on, Lucy. Just get over yourself already, this is silly."

I tried to put meaning behind my little pep talk, as if I wasn't trying to force myself into existing. I rolled my eyes at myself, stupid dramatic girl. Acting like someone important died, I scoffed at myself.

Stepping back into my room, I continued drying off as I gazed at my clothing options. Some bright colors will make me feel more like myself again, I'll wear my favorite navy blue skirt and celestial cross shirt.

After dressing and brushing the birds nest out of my long, blonde hair, I did find myself feeling a little better. Having finally been able to push the gnawing feelings in my chest down, leaving more like a distant hole in it now.

I pulled on my leather boots, buckled my whip into place, and clipped my celestial keys to my waist. Locking the door to my house as I stepped out, I turned towards the direction of the guild and with one foot in front of the other I made my way to the place I loved more than anywhere in the world. A sense of dread slowly washing over me with each step.

What will I find today? Who's there right now? Is he..? Probably, the sun sat in the middle of the sky. If he wasn't there right now, I'd be surprised. My heart gripped, every part of my body begging me to turn around and just crawl back into bed. Safety from more pain, I don't think I'll be able to witness another make out session between the two.

With every step closer the urge to turn around grew stronger, until it was too late. I was standing outside the giant guild doors, the newly refurbished doors more beautiful than the previous ones. I found myself staring at them taking in every detail of the hand carved wood framing, wondering why I'd never taken the time to admire them before.

Stalling. You're stalling, Lucy. I told myself, just get it over with.

I gripped the handle of the door, steadying myself with a deep breath as I pulled it open. I was greeted with a calm atmosphere, it was remarkably slow with just a few groups of people around. I felt my body relax as I walked in without drawing too much attention, a few glances and waves from my guildmates.

I smiled and found my feet moving on their own now, taking me straight to the bar where Mira stood drying fresh glasses. She greeted me with her classic smile, everything felt normal as I slid into my usual seat.

"Lucy! Are you feeling better?" Mira chirped, setting my normal order down in front of me.

"Yeah thanks, Mira. Where is everyone?" I asked looking around. I spotted Levy with her group in the far left corner, their normal spot. Her nose buried in a book like any other day, her teammates chatting with themselves while sticking as close to her as she'd let them. Thunder God Tribe and Mira's younger brother were on the top floor, you could tell from Elfman and Ever's loud arguing. Loud, but not loud enough to be disruptive to the rest of the guild. A few other members ideally hanging around going about their own business.

"Most are out right now, we've had a decent in flow of help requests filtering in lately. It's a good time for everyone to be getting back out there." She explained, setting a glass down at the back of the bar. I nodded.

The biggest absence was the reason the guild was so quiet right now, Team Natsu was missing from our normal table. I let my eyes linger on the spot for a moment too long, the happy memories flooding in and making me smile.

"Team Natsu actually left two days ago for a mission, they should be back later tonight."

I almost choked on my smoothie, clearing my throat before asking. "They took a mission? Without me..?"

Mira, having heard the hurt in my voice gave me a soft look. "Erza and Gray said you weren't feeling well, they decided to take Lis out with them."

"Oh," was all I could muster. The shock taking hold of me as my mind rushed with unwanted thoughts.

"Really it's good for her, Elfman and I both know that.. It's just hard to let her out of our sight, after all thats happened." She sounded so sad, the guilt stabbed at my stomach as I realized how selfish I was being. Liz has been trapped away for so long, of course she deserves to go out on a few missions with her old friends. "Neither one of us had the heart to tell her she couldn't go."

I nodded, finding myself at a loss for words at the moment, I had to shake these feelings. They felt sticky and uncomfortable.

"Maybe I'll go on a day mission while I wait for them to get back, my rent is due tomorrow."

"There's plenty of options," Mira chirped as she returned to drying glasses.

I pulled myself off the bar stool and gazed over the board, Mira was right it was overflowing. So many posters pinned they were overlapping each other. Nothing really reached out to me though, they all seemed pointless doing alone. Shaking the thoughts from my head I reached for a random one, a reward of a few hundred jewel. Simple enough.

After getting it approved by Mira, I set off towards the outskirts of town. Feeling almost like my old self again.


Syzygy: (SIZ-uh-jee) noun.

The nearly straight-line configuration of three celestial objects, (as the sun, the earth, and either the moon or a planet), in a gravitational system.