Johnny tightened the washer on the faucet and put it back together, climbing under the sink to turn the water back on before emerging again to test his handiwork.
"There we go." Johnny told Joanne as he turned it off. "Good as new, no more drips."
"Thank you." Joanne replied. "It's been driving me crazy for weeks."
"All you had to do was ask, you know that." Johnny responded as he wiped off his hands.
"Oh, you know I hate bothering you." Joanne told him as she poured two cups of coffee. "Especially considering all the overtime you've been working lately."
Johnny accepted the offered cup and took a quick drink. The extra shifts had served as a good distraction from his own thoughts now that Joanne was spending time with…what was that guy's name again?
Alan. That was it. The guy from the accident.
"Yeah, lots of guys out on vacation this time of year." Johnny answered casually. "Good opportunity to pick up some extra cash, you know? Can always use more of that."
Joanne nodded, and a long silence fell between them. Johnny couldn't help feeling as if he was an interloper now, even though he really had no idea how serious things were getting between Joanne and Alan. He hadn't gotten up the nerve to ask, and hell, it probably wasn't any of his business anyway.
He quickly finished his coffee and rinsed out the cup before setting it in the sink. "Well, hey, I guess I'd better get going. Unless there's something else you need done."
"No, I don't think so." Joanne answered with a slight smile. "I appreciate it."
"Hey, sure, anytime." Johnny told her. "Chris starts Little League again next week, right?"
"Right." Joanne nodded, suddenly seeming far away. "Goodness, a full year already. I can't believe it."
"Me either, Jo." Johnny had tried not to think too much about that, either. "But hey, maybe we shouldn't dwell on that, huh? Just look ahead."
"Indeed." Joanne stepped toward Johnny and wrapped herself around him in a quick hug.
Johnny responded in kind, stopping just short of kissing the top of her head. Instead, he pulled back, gently grasping her shoulders before letting go. "Guess I'll let you get on with your day. Let me know if anything else comes up."
"I will." Joanne smiled as she walked him to the door. "And if for some reason you can't make it next week—"
"I'll be there." Johnny immediately cut her off. "Wouldn't miss it."
With that he climbed into the Rover and fired it up, pushing the tape into the tape deck and turning it up before backing out and starting down the road. He didn't start out with any particular destination in mind, and he had the rest of the day at his disposal.
He wasn't all that surprised when he found himself pulling into the cemetery. As the anniversary of Roy's death drew closer, Johnny's thoughts had turned increasingly troubled, his dreams reverting back to the ones he'd had early on, back when he was still wrestling with his conscience, consumed with grief.
And here he was again, nearly a year later, those thoughts creeping in again. This time, it seemed no one wanted to hear them. Life at the station had developed a new rhythm without Roy, he and Reggie had developed their own partnership, their own friendship.
It was almost as if Roy was a mere afterthought, rarely mentioned anymore. But to Johnny he was anything but, always in the back of his mind. Everyone else seemed to have moved on, even Joanne.
That stung more than Johnny had expected. To be honest, he wasn't sure what he had expected to come out of whatever had been going on between him and Joanne. Maybe on some level, he had hoped they'd all become a family. Never mind that Johnny had never been interested in that before.
He pulled up near the gravesite and shut off the Rover, shaking a cigarette out of his pack, lighting it up and taking a long drag before blowing it out. Christ, he'd been a fool, a damn fool. Of course he could never have expected to measure up, to be what Joanne needed. She needed someone reliable and steady like Roy had been, and those kids needed a father, a real father.
It was just as well that Joanne was dating Alan. He was probably good for her, would probably be good for the kids. But goddammit, it hurt.
He took one last drag on his cigarette before crushing it out in the ashtray, then climbed down from the Rover to start toward the gravesite. It was well-kept, as Johnny expected, a little worn by time and weather. He kneeled down and brushed away a bit of dirt with a huff.
"Lots happened in the last year." Johnny started talking. "Kids are getting big. Chris is gonna be in junior high next year, can you believe it? And Jenny's still doing dance and soccer. They're sure keeping Jo hopping. Jo's doing okay, too. Helping out in the church preschool and talking about maybe going to college herself. Crazy, huh? But she's a smart lady, she'll have no problem. You know that, though. I don't have to tell you."
He paused for a long moment, trying to gather his thoughts. "She met someone, you know. Some guy that literally ran into her at a stop light. Alan. Seems like a decent enough guy, I guess. Don't know how serious it is. I don't know, Roy. I guess I just…well, I just kind of assumed…nah, it's stupid. I know that now. I still care for her an awful lot, Roy. Her and the kids. Ah, hell, Roy, I know I should have known better. I know. Suppose there's nothing I can do about it now, huh? Just…move on, just like everyone else has. I sure as hell don't feel ready to move on. I don't wanna forget you. And I'm not gonna."
Somehow just being here helped, at least a little. It wasn't the same as talking to Roy himself, but it would have to do.
Johnny took a deep breath and exhaled before rising to his feet. "I've gotta go, but hey, I'll be back. Kinda good to talk to you."
There was no response, of course, but a breeze blew up out of nowhere briefly. Johnny figured that was enough of a sign for him.
He headed back to the Rover and started it up again, lighting up another cigarette before leaving the cemetery behind him. The hurt was still there, but muted, and maybe that was just how it was going to be from now on.
No, it had to get better, somehow. Johnny just didn't see how just yet.
# # #
Johnny strode into the locker room as the rest of the crew talked among themselves. Chet was telling some wild story about his date that Johnny didn't feel much like tuning into.
"Hey, man." Reggie greeted him. "Good time off?"
"I guess." Johnny answered as he started changing. "Did a couple little fix-it jobs for Jo, went out to Roy's grave, did some climbing. How about you?"
"Charlene and I had a day off together for a change." Reggie replied. "There was this art exhibit she wanted to check out. Made for a good day out, you know?"
"Yeah, yeah." Johnny vaguely tuned back in to whatever wild story Chet was telling.
"So we get back to her place, right?" Chet continued. "And things are getting hot."
"Role call, guys." Cap's voice rang out.
"Guess you'll have to regale us with your adventures in dating later." Marco commented casually as they filed into the day room.
"Or not." Johnny muttered.
"Oh, what, are you jealous?" Chet teased him. "You know, she's got a friend. We could make a double date of it."
"I'll pass, thanks." Johnny shook his head.
"Right, I forgot. You're hung up on Joanne." Chet answered.
Johnny took a deep breath and exhaled. He wasn't going to rise to Chet's bait, not today.
Once the briefing broke up, everyone went their separate ways, and Johnny made his way to the coffee pot, Chet close on his heels. "Hey man, I'm sorry. I was just kidding about Joanne."
"It's fine." Johnny told him. "Nothing's going on there anyway."
"You sure about that?"
"Positive." Johnny was aware of the sharpness in his own tone. "She's, uh, seeing someone anyway."
"Oh." Chet suddenly went quiet.
"Yeah."
"Huh." Chet reached across Johnny for the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. "Well hey, it's probably just as well, right? I mean, you were never gonna fit in that situation anyway."
"What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I mean." Chet answered in an exasperated tone. "Come on, you're telling me you can see yourself with the wife and the kids and the house and—"
"I get it." Johnny snapped, cutting Chet off. "And well…maybe. I don't know."
Chet merely scoffed and shook his head before catching back up with Marco to finish his story.
"Hey, Johnny." Reggie called out. "We need to head over to Rampart. B shift left us a little short on supplies."
"On my way."
He set aside his coffee and joined Reggie out in the bay, where he was calibrating the biophone. "Ten-four, Rampart." He answered crisply before closing it up and shoving it into the storage bay on the squad.
"All right, so I started a list." Reggie flipped open his memo pad. "Still need to go through the splint box. B shift had to use a couple of those cardboard splints last night."
"Uh-huh." Johnny was still stuck on Chet's words. He probably didn't mean anything by them, but they still stung anyway.
A snap in front of his face brought him back to attention. "Johnny, you listening?"
"Yeah, yeah." Johnny shook his head. "Sorry."
Reggie frowned slightly in concern but didn't say anything. "Think I've got the list together. We can head out."
They climbed into the squad, and Johnny turned out of the station to head over to Rampart. Normally he and Reggie would chat on these runs, but today Johnny just had too much running through his head.
"You're awfully quiet." Reggie commented.
"Figured you could use a break from me talking your ear off." Johnny tried to sound casual.
Reggie scoffed at that. "You know I don't mind, man. Truthfully, I kind of worry when you get quiet. Means something's eating at you."
Johnny huffed irritably. "I mean, it's nothing, I guess. Just Chet being, well, Chet. Needling me about Jo."
Reggie nodded but otherwise didn't respond, and it was an otherwise quiet ride to Rampart. Johnny backed the squad into the ambulance bay, and the two men climbed down to go into the emergency room.
"Hey, Dix." Johnny called out. "Need to top off our supplies. B shift left us short."
"I heard they had a busy night." Dixie responded.
"Yeah, yeah." Johnny replied absently as he scanned the emergency area. Normally they were in and out of here so quickly that Johnny didn't have a chance to think too much about that night. Now that they had a few minutes, the memory came rushing back to him, of Cap meeting Joanne, of Brackett giving her the news, of him holding Joanne as she cried while he did his best to hold it together for her sake.
It was then that the crushing sense of failure washed over him again, a feeling he thought he had finally reconciled.
"Johnny." Dixie's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
He turned to see her regarding him with a sympathetic expression as she set the supply box on the desk. "Oh, yeah. Thanks, Dix."
"Of course." She replied gently.
"Hey, Dix." Reggie broke in. "You have some of those cardboard splints?"
"Oh, yes." Dixie answered, pulling a handful and handing them to Reggie. "Anything else?"
"I think we're good for now." Reggie told her. "Thanks."
Dixie managed to catch Johnny just before they left. "Listen, I know today's a hard day. We're all thinking of Roy. You just be easy on yourself, okay?"
Johnny wasn't so sure of that but nodded anyway. "Sure, Dix. Thanks."
He caught up to Reggie and joined him in the squad, and they were soon on the road again.
"You know, my wife wants to have this friend of hers over for dinner next weekend." Reggie threw out casually. "You want to come over, too?"
Johnny couldn't help letting out a short laugh. "Sounds like a set up."
Reggie merely chuckled in response. "Maybe. She's a pretty cool chick. You'd like her."
Johnny gave Reggie a sideways glance. "I'll think about it."
"Sure." Reggie nodded. "Just let me know."
They continued back to the station, and Johnny backed the squad into the bay, noting the flag flying at full mast, whipping in the breeze. Almost a year ago, that flag had flown at half mast, the black bunting had been drawn across the top of the bay door.
A year ago, this had been a station in mourning. Now, it seemed Johnny was the only one still doing so.
The longer Johnny sat in the squad, staring out at the flag, the more he wondered what he was still mourning after all this time. It wasn't just losing a close friend and work partner. It was the loss of what should have been. Roy should be here now, watching his kids grow up, being the husband and father Johnny knew him to be.
Everything had been upended in the last year, and just when Johnny thought things were starting to settle, they'd been upended again. This time, Johnny could blame no one but himself.
He let out a heavy sigh and leaned against the seat. It was only then Reggie's voice broke into his thoughts. "You need a minute?"
Johnny had nearly forgotten Reggie was there. "Yeah, guess I do. Today's just…hard. It's just hard. And no one else seems to give a damn. Like everyone's forgotten."
Reggie looked thoughtful. "I don't know about that. Probably more that no one knows what to say."
"Maybe." Johnny answered quietly.
Reggie lightly grasped Johnny's shoulder. "I'll leave you to it. You need something, let me know."
"Thanks."
As soon as Reggie closed the door of the squad, Johnny let his thoughts wander again. They kept circling back to Joanne, to the way things had developed between them.
Except in the end, nothing had really developed at all, had it? No, they had merely drifted toward each other, seeking comfort in each other. He had never wanted to push for more than that, trying so damn hard to help get Joanne and the kids through this time.
And maybe that's what hurt so much now. Maybe Joanne and Alan weren't all that serious yet, but they could be. Johnny didn't want to think too much about what that would likely mean. He'd be once again on the sidelines, the fun uncle, the family friend.
It was the last place he wanted to be.
The realization hit him hard, and he slammed his fist into the steering wheel, furious with himself. If he had been just a little more forthcoming, a little more willing to just tell Joanne what had been on his mind and in his heart, well, he supposed he wouldn't be here now, would he?
He rubbed the spot on his fist that had made contact with the steering wheel before opening the door to the squad and climbing down, trotting to the day room.
Several sets of eyes were on him as he picked up the coffee cup he had left behind earlier, dumping out the cold coffee and refilling with fresh. "So, Reggie, tell me about this friend of Charlene's."
Reggie looked mildly surprised. "She works in occupational therapy with Charlene. Name's Vanessa. Real fine looking woman."
"Reggie, don't do this." Chet broke in.
"Yeah, if you still want Charlene to be friends with her after this, you'd better not introduce her to Johnny." Marco chimed in.
Johnny was about to tell them both off when Reggie spoke up. "I don't see the problem. Just friends of friends meeting."
Chet and Marco looked at each other before Chet spoke again. "See, this is what always happens. Johnny gets together with some chick, gets hung up on her, she dumps him, he mopes around and makes us all miserable until he finds a new one. Lather, rinse, repeat."
"Is that right?" Reggie replied mildly. "Suppose I haven't been around long enough to witness that."
Chet's eyebrows shot straight up, looking from Reggie to Johnny and back again. "You're witnessing it right now."
Johnny set down his cup and folded his arms over his chest. "The hell are you talking about, Chet?"
"You told me yourself." Chet shot back. "Joanne's dating some guy and you're in a funk over it. God knows why. You never had a real shot with her anyway."
"I swear to God if you say that one more time—"
"What?" Chet challenged him. "You know it's true."
Mike emerged from behind his newspaper with an exasperated expression. "Can you two please give it a rest? Have some respect."
Everyone's attention turned to Mike, who had already returned to his newspaper.
After a long silence, Reggie spoke up again. "I'll talk to Charlene and get it set up. Never mind these two, huh?"
Chet and Marco glanced at each other, shrugged, and shook their heads. Johnny chose to ignore them both in favor of Reggie. "Sure, yeah. Sounds good."
Maybe, just maybe, this would be just the thing Johnny needed. Maybe it would be better if he and Joanne went their separate ways, lived their own lives. It would sure as hell be less complicated.
If only his own heart would get the message.
