Chapter XXXVIII

Would You Forgive Me?

I'm glad that Sakura came today instead of Shikamaru. Thanks to her, the pains in my burning arm have died down and Naruto feels much more peaceful; the demons that were gnawing at him and making him sick were cast out by her. I believe his distrust of her has disappeared somewhat, if not completely. I'd have liked to offer her to accompany us, but I refrained from doing so, for fear that it would be too early for the boy with the sapphire eyes. Moreover, Sakura is expected elsewhere and couldn't stay longer.

The medicine swallowed, I told Naruto to change and get ready. Seeing him rushing, he's excited to go out and it has completely awakened him. Nevertheless, he yawns at times, betraying his still present fatigue. It's very likely that the blond had insomnia that night and that he only started to doze at dawn; given his cycle as a nocturnal creature so deeply embedded in his body, this is hardly surprising. I must also not forget that he's sleeping late in the afternoon. Once again, I will have to make sure he stays awake.

Breaking his nocturnal rhythm will be difficult.

Donning his favourite orange attire, including his dark cape, the teenager waits patiently for me at the entrance as I finish getting ready myself. I noticed that Naruto no longer zips his jacket entirely as he used to. I wonder if that doesn't hide something else, given his bad habit of hurting himself at this place and unconsciously grabbing his throat during his nightmares. However, the fact that he wears his forehead protector around his neck doesn't bother him although it's very far from being tight or glued to the skin; the headband—being important and perhaps a source of comfort—may be an exception. Taking into account what happened the day before, I am convinced that there is a reason. To be sure, I have no choice but to risk causing Naruto distress if my doubts turn out to be true.

I approach him, placing my hands on his shoulders.

"Naruto, I need to confirm something with you before we go. You won't like what I'm about to do, but I'll be gentle. If it's too unbearable for you, you'll stop me and I won't insist further, okay?"

His radiant face is bitten with anxiety at the sound of my words, which freezes him in place, as well as his breath. The slight tremors taking hold of him are barely perceptible. He apprehends, but he doesn't push me away; I understand that he accepts what I am about to do.

Gently and slowly, I place my palms on both sides of his neck, going under his headband. Immediately, Naruto no longer blinks his eyelids nor sees. I manage to hear the beating of his heart which starts a mad race; at that, his breath quickens and follows the pace in his chest. When I try to gently squeeze his neck around its entire circumference, the blond quickly grabs my hands to push them away. His own hands are shaking and he holds mine so tightly that he makes me wince in pain.

Obviously, there was indeed a traumatic event that explains his refusal to have his neck squeezed or touched by anything. I understand better why he refused to let me bandage his wounds; besides his forehead protector, everything causes him suffering. Nevertheless, I know that I have to be careful to avoid him stress and panic. To see him like this, I am enraged; so as not to let these thoughts cloud me, I breathe in long and deeply.

Meanwhile, Naruto releases my wrists. To calm him down, I take him in my arms and he hugs me back with all his limbs.

"I'm sorry, Naruto," I whisper, running a hand through his static-electricity charged mane. "I now know that it hurts you. I won't put my hands on that part of you again."

I separate from him after a few seconds. I plunge my iris into his much brighter ones. Naruto gives me a sincere smile—something I imitate. As promised, I walk out with the feral boy clinging to my arm.


Outside, the light still attacks his retinas unable to adapt, forcing Naruto to stick to me. His ebony tail expresses itself at times, but it stays hidden longer than before. Being more and more comfortable, less on the alert despite his nagging fear, he holds my arm less fiercely and the speed of his steps manages to have a normal pace. His improvement thus increasing every day makes me sketch a smile. I hope he can soon walk beside me without having to constantly touch me.

As we gradually leave the hubbub of Konoha, his grip loosens as we move away and venture into the more wooded places that overwhelm the full attention of his eyes shining like sapphires and curious to discover everything. I feel a desire to let go, yet he persists in touching me; I explain it by his blindness and this place which is too new for him. At times, he shivers with cold for a breath, but that doesn't worry me much.

His playful tail reflects his moods without hesitation as he touches the slightest greenery with his hand, passing through the shoots of trees, branches and bushes. In addition, he inhales deeply through his nose to smell the different perfumes, he even tears off a leaf to sniff it closer.

In all this tumult that must overload Naruto's developed senses—except that of sight—his smile has not left his face.

As Shikamaru had said, taking him out to these peaceful, rural places is beneficial to him.

In an unspoken desire to push him to remember, I take him to the Third Training Ground. We soon reach the three wooden pillars on which I had tied Naruto during the bells test; that he flailed around screaming because he thought we were going to leave him there makes me laugh inside. I stop in front of these and said pillars capture the bluish irises of the teenager who hesitates to let go of me.

"We'll stay here as long as you want, Naruto," I say, running a hand through his golden mane. "You don't have to worry, there will be no one but the two of us here."

My words make him smile before he gets rid of the black fabric that he leaves on the ground. Curiously, Naruto advances towards the log in the centre which he examines with his hands while his tail moves with enthusiasm. I wonder if that means anything to him since he hardly looks at the other two more than that. After an olfactory analysis, the sapphire-eyed boy leaps onto the log to perch on all fours. When a gentle wind rises, he closes his eyelids and lets himself be lulled by the summer breezes, although he's gripped by thin shivers that don't persist. Although it piqued his interest for a breath, it doesn't seem to have had the slightest effect on him, and his brain remains eternally empty and trapped in its amnesia.

Not only did I take him here in a hope to bring back images to his head, from a personal point of view, the invading desire to come has been tickling my mind for a while now, becoming an unhealthy obsession. I wish Naruto will be able to be away from me as he did at Shikamaru's home. I want to go away for a moment, alone, in order to alleviate this need that has tormented me for a long time.

"Naruto," I call out to him, then point to the direction I'm about to take. "I'll be away for a while, but I won't be far. Are you able to stay alone? If ever there's a problem, come to me. Is that okay with you?"

Naruto stares at me intently. Suddenly, a bird flies very closely over us, giving him a jump. Raising an arm to protect himself from the luminous flux produced by the sun, his pupils no longer leave the bird which is perched on the branch of a tree. I notice that his black tail is wagging oddly; not only that, but his eyes that had become terribly sharp and bloodcurdling took on a feral look, as if he were in a trance. This pushes me to stay to see what he's about to do since he has an idea in mind, and this idea gets on my nerves.

The blond jumps up from his perch in appalling silence. In a semi-leaning posture, sometimes on all fours, he approaches the tree cautiously without making the slightest noise. He advances without hesitation and the discretion he shows make me flabbergasted; my attentive ears cannot hear his footsteps as soft and light as a cloud. Analyzing his atypical behaviour, the very obvious strikes me; Naruto is on the hunt like a predator and he lets himself be totally guided by his feral instincts. I don't know what his intentions are since he feeds only on chakra… I admit that it sows a bridle of anxiety in me to know what he intends to do with the bird if he catches it.

At the foot of the tree, Naruto stops for a moment before jumping, propelling himself with the help of his four limbs to reach the animal, but it flies away just in time to escape him. Unconsciously, I heave a sigh of relief; a fear of witnessing potential bloody carnage if it was his desire. The sapphire-eyed boy frowns and drops to the ground, then lies down; if I translate his pout, he's disappointed.

When he starts rolling around in the grass as if nothing had happened, that's the signal for me to slip away. Glancing over my shoulder, Naruto watches me leave, but he stays calm and doesn't try to join me.

Good, where I want to go, I want to be alone.

Hands in my pockets, I walk the distance that separates me from the Memorial Stone. In front of the said stone on which the names of my precious comrades have been inscribed, my heart is heavy. I don't know the last time I came to meditate since the beginning of this whole story that made me experience a thousand and one different and chaotic emotions. I'd also like to visit their grave, but that will be for another time; with Naruto's feral temper, I prefer not to take him to a place of peace like that.

'I took a long time to come, forgive me,' I whisper inwardly.

Slowly, I emancipate myself from the whole universe; the sounds die out, the wind no longer reaches my skin, the smells fade and the images become abstract shapes that line my retina. An evil anchored in my heart resurfaces despite my fierce efforts to put it under lock and key. I'm starting to doubt; I'm not sure if what I'm doing is the right thing to do. I'm afraid to make a mistake. In all this, guilt poisons me to consume me entirely.

'Minato-sensei… I don't know if you can see it, but I have the task of watching over your son. Somehow, I'm doing my best to protect him from his demons… However… I'm afraid of doing something stupid. I don't know if I'm on the right track or if what I'm doing is making it worse. Minato-sensei… I am weak… I am helpless against myself. It's in these moments that this discussion that we couldn't have torments me. Never in my life have I wanted so much to know what you wanted to say to me… Those words that I desperately needed to hear and that I will never have, since you sacrificed yourselves to save the village from the Nine-Tails. Tell me, Minato-sensei … would you be angry if you found out…?'

A fleeting silence, an invisible tear and a remorse.

'But above all… Would you forgive me?' I ask, clenching my fists.

This useless question tears me apart, sows pain in my organ of love pierced by this feeling that refuses to leave me. In a way, I almost come to hate myself … but that doesn't last. I breathe in and out for a long time to drive away these intrusive thoughts that torment me with mischief. I know it's futile to fret about it, though I can't think otherwise.

No matter my pain, Naruto's take precedence over mine.

My own needs are insignificant next to his.

I have no choice but to take it upon myself to focus on him.

I am pulled from my thoughts when I feel a presence behind me that forces me to glance over. Missing a heartbeat, I barely have time to see Naruto leaping on me with a sneer on his lips to wrap his arms around my neck, and his legs wrap around my body, imprisoning my arms at the same time. Taken by surprise, the sapphire-eyed boy throws me off balance. Deprived of my arms, I can't catch myself in my fall and I fall miserably head first.

After a breath, Naruto releases me from his limbs and separates from me. Motionless, on my stomach, I sigh painfully; I don't see him, but I know he's chuckling silently. It's only now that I realize that I didn't feel him approaching me at all. Was I so preoccupied with my thoughts? I wonder, although it's possible that Naruto was discreet … but I doubt; I am always alert to the slightest dangers.

When I get up, not without fuming to myself, Naruto walks around to stand in front of me and grab both my arms to pull me up. On both feet, I expect him to let go of my forearms, but he only holds me tighter. He pulls them, backing up to force me to follow him. His deep irises stare intently at mine. His face is jovial and radiant; at this, his tail wags with gusto. The last time I saw him this resplendent was at Shikamaru's. However, not knowing his intentions by telling me to follow him, I remain particularly on my guard.

"I get it, Naruto. You can let me go."

Fortunately, the blond frees my limbs and takes a little head start to wait for me; his request to accompany him is very clear. I sigh and walk wearily, hands in my pockets. In a playful posture, Naruto repeats the same ritual; he runs a few steps before stopping to give me time to catch up with him and so on. He's so excited that he struggles to stay still.

When we get near the river, Naruto outruns me to reach it. He stops his run in front of the water and takes a first step on the surface of the water, then another while wavering. The sapphire-eyed boy has difficulty controlling the flow of his chakra into the soles of his feet as they sink slightly into the watery matter. However, this doesn't last, since he quickly regains his balance and stability by mastering his essence better and better. This allows him to quicken his pace to get to the centre of the river.

As for me, I stop at the edge of it. Despite the presence of the seals that make a simple and innate task difficult, Naruto manages to overcome these difficulties brilliantly since he stands on the surface without sinking and without misery. It takes him a bit of time, yes, but he's able to adapt, drawing a sigh of relief from me.

Once in the middle, he turns to face me and opens his arms wide. Obviously, Naruto wants me to join him to hug him back … however, I remain suspicious. His behaviour is shady and doesn't bode well. The teenager remains patiently still, although he's gradually becoming insistent. If he wanted to hug me that much, he could very well have hugged me on the bank or earlier, in front of the Memorial Stone. In response, I stand my ground, glaring at him with my dark eye, convinced that he's up to something bad or mischievous in nature.

I feel as if time has stood still again and I'm waiting for Naruto to let go of that idea, whatever it is. Noticing that I'm not moving, the sapphire-eyed boy opens his arms to me more by raising himself on the tips of his toes, while his black tail betrays unacknowledged impatience; at this, his face darkens and a veil of disappointment covers him entirely. I see that veil turn to sadness when he slowly lowers his head, pouting. I heave a sigh.

"Don't make me regret it, Naruto," I reluctantly relent before approaching him.

His face becomes luminous again, as does his smile. Within reach, the blond throws himself into my arms, escaping silent laughter. Mechanically, I hug him back … but something is wrong and makes me uneasy; I have a bad feeling…

By the time I realize those sneers were mischievous in nature, Naruto hastens to hug me tighter than ever as he wraps his tail around our legs, compressing them until we can't move them. Then, leaping back, he drags me into the water; before being engulfed, I glimpse his mischievous smile and his monstrous canines, confirming to me that I had been right to be wary.

In the river, Naruto releases me immediately and quickly, we soon rise to the surface to swim on the spot. As the teenager laughs taciturnity, I take a long breath so as not to let the irritation overtake me, as well as the anger. I should have followed my instincts and refrained from falling like a happy fool into his screwed up plan. I don't know what animated this desire to make me swallow water, but the fact that he takes me by the feelings to trap me doesn't delight me at all. Now I'm completely soaked and my pride has taken a hit. Naruto is wearing me down and to say I'm exhausted would be an understatement.

Exasperated, I roughly pinch his cheeks to force him to look at me. That silenced the sneers, and seeing him fiercely avoiding retinal contact, he knows I'm mad.

"I give you the benefit of the doubt and you are taking advantage of it? Why are you so annoying, Naruto? Eh? I know you're doing it on purpose too," I curse, tightening my grip on his face even more, causing him to grab my wrists before grimacing.

At least this forced bath has chased away his terribly frustrating veil of static electricity…

Suddenly, his expression changes drastically and his deep blue eyes scan the surroundings in anguish. I free his face before frowning. Naruto's gaze locks behind me and he takes on a feral look when he growls. It's only then that I feel a familiar presence moving towards us to meet me. Turning my head, I see Yamato land not far from the shore.

"Kakashi-senpai!"

I calm Naruto down, saying he's a friend. I pull myself up to the surface of the water to pay my full attention to my kouhai.

"What is it, Yamato?" I ask, curious as to the reason for his visit.

"You must go to Shikamaru, Godaime's order."

"Shikamaru?" I repeat mechanically, asking an indirect question.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Naruto imitating me … hardly. He has a hard time pulling himself up the way I did—rather, he can't get his legs out of the water and his palms, like his arms, sink in more than anything else. I help him by taking his hands to pull him up. I hold him like this until his feet regain their stability on the watery mirror.

"I can't tell you. I was only asked to find you to relay the message," Yamato explains to me. "You're expected there."

"Understood. I'm on my way."

Tenzō nods before leaving. Luckily, he didn't comment on me and Naruto being wet and fully clothed. At the very least, his departure appeases the teenager who finally manages to stand on his own without sinking into the water. Stable, he hastens to shake himself fiercely like an animal, especially his head and tail to get rid of the overflow of water covering him. In response, I brandish my arms to protect myself, jumping in spite of myself; I understand better now why he always comes out wet after his shower…

After that, he shrinks and doesn't dare look at me while keeping his hands behind his back, visibly nervous. He feels that I'm still pissed off. His atypical gesture didn't help although he had no bad intentions.

It's useless to scold him further; I know he somewhat regrets his mischievous gesture. In a way, that doesn't surprise me. If I compared to the old Naruto who never missed a chance to pull a prank, it makes sense that this Naruto tends to do that. It may also be his way of "playing" with me.

He annoys me, but I'm also relieved.

His personality persists despite his feral temperament.

The more time I spend with him, the more the Naruto I know comes to the surface.