Chapter XLIII

Inflicted Suffering

The fear of hurting Kakashi was creating sensory hell throughout Naruto's body. Since that night when he ripped Kakashi's flesh with his fangs that then plunged Kakashi into untold pain, this bloody and horrific carnage had spawned waking nightmares both night and day. Kakashi hid it from him, yet Naruto was feeling it, even experiencing it himself. To his dismay, the teenager had no choice but to inflict pain to Kakashi in order to reach the chakra veins and devour the precious lightning essence.

Since that night when he almost lost his mind to sink into madness and despair, Naruto had started to hate himself more and more. He wanted Kakashi to be proud of him, he wanted Kakashi to congratulate him for overcoming his appetite which was forcing him to pour out all his venom… But despite his best efforts, clinging to the thought of Kakashi as if his life depended on it, he could not do it…

The sapphire-eyed boy was enslaved to himself, and was hurting the only human he could not bear to see in pain.

And tonight, again, he had to sink his fangs into the delicate flesh and not let that darkness dictate his actions.

Naruto had taken many deep breaths to drive away the black spots in front of his retinas and these feelings of unease which assailed his icy and sick body. He was so anguished and scared that he was shaking beyond being able to control himself. Agreeing to trust Kakashi, he had bitten him… However, he had forgotten to touch and feel the skin so as to avoid the blood veins.

When the blond had perceived the taste of iron in his mouth, on his tongue, he started poisoning Kakashi to silence the bleeding; sincerely, Naruto wanted to protect Kakashi by stopping the dangerous flow of the scarlet liquid. He wanted to prove to Kakashi that he could control himself so that Kakashi would be proud of him. He wished to see the smile hidden behind the dark mask… However, the teenager greatly overestimated himself. While he wanted to inject only a very small amount, once the gear was running, he was unable to stop; hunger had possessed him and was screaming at him to pour more, ordering him to continue…

These foreign thoughts had ended up becoming his own.

He was enslaved to that part of him that he hated.

The desire to silence his hunger had taken all the place.

As he emancipated himself from the entire universe to let only the delicious and precious chakra electrify him with a bewitching euphoria, an excruciating unbearable pain had forced him to withdraw. Hungry, obsessed with letting this sweet euphoria rock him with its forbidden benevolence on which he was addicted to, Naruto had immediately sought to plunge his teeth back into the deep holes … but his prey had begun to resist him and struggle. A black anger had dispossessed him and was making his head more and more cloudy. The feral boy wanted this unique chakra and nothing else, he wanted to devour everything to the last drop; that his prey prevented him from doing so drove him to violence. The second his victim pushed back his fangs, he did not care if he was taking too much chakra or not.

In this chaotic and foggy tumult, Naruto could not recognize Kakashi anymore. Kakashi had become in his crazy eyes a simple body envelope good to provide him with this bluish and electrifying essence capable of silencing his hunger.

When his deep blue eyes caught sight of the strange red eye, Naruto froze to his breath. This iris that no other one possessed was Kakashi's and could only be Kakashi's. Then there was a blur in his memory about what happened…

A sharp pain in his wrists, another in his lower spine and his tail immobilized with shackles of suffering had pushed back this sadistic darkness dominated by the one and only desire for chakra. Once freed from himself, he saw that Kakashi was responsible, that Kakashi was hurting and torturing him. His love organ was so fast that it burned his chest. Tears sought to flood his eyes veiled by an evil corrupting his fragile heart. Naruto refused to believe that Kakashi was hurting him, that Kakashi was sinking his body into a shambles of throbbing pain, thus bringing to the surface what he was determined to forget.

Kakashi was supposed to be his world; his world where there was no fear, no suffering, no hunger…

Stroking a hand over his bruised skin with far too familiar and terrifying marks, Naruto began to panic; his mind was slowly plagued with nightmarish events. However, before these agonizing images could occupy his brain to plunge him into despair, the blond was bombarded with negative waves. And these said waves did not come from just anyone.

Turning his head, he saw Kakashi who had crouched down, his black eye avoiding his person. An emotion impossible to translate pinched his heart when Kakashi's broken voice reached his ears. The blond understood that Kakashi felt guilty for hurting him. Kakashi was upset to the point of sinking into darkness. Kakashi had never wanted to inflict any harm on him, and Kakashi had promised him after all. Kakashi had promised him that Kakashi would protect him from anything that would seek to harm him.

The scent of blood, the bitter and iron taste in his mouth, Naruto remembered that he had done it again. He had hurt Kakashi, and Kakashi had no choice but to protect himself against this dark facet that the teenager hated…

Suddenly, these twinges in his thin wrists seemed insignificant to him, like the pain caused by his much and always too present appetite. Seeing the human that had become his world crumble before his eyes broke his heart, to the point of ignoring the ugly memories that had returned into his Pandora's box to disappear there. Nevertheless, he fiercely avoided contemplating the bruises on his excruciatingly sore limbs.

Unable to tolerate Kakashi moping around, Naruto stood up and opened his arms to him with a shy, little smile. Gently, he used his tail to grab Kakashi's sturdy wrist. Noticing Kakashi's immobility, the blond wrapped it up to Kakashi's elbow before forcing him to stand up to meet him. As Kakashi always did, Naruto had carefully hugged Kakashi in his warm embrace. He could hear the heartbeats not calming down. This caused him to hug Kakashi even more tightly without hurting him or breaking his bones with his destructive strength. The sapphire-eyed boy hoped to drive away all the pain and suffering that was tormenting Kakashi.

For the first time, Naruto ignored his own pain for Kakashi.

When Kakashi finally hugged him back, holding him even more powerfully than him, Naruto smiled. That Kakashi thanked him was enough to push back the darkness that was dwelling his fragile mind.

Naruto forgave Kakashi and wished that Kakashi would forgive him as well.

But like a destructive demon, hunger came back to haunt Naruto, plunging his body into pain.

- XXX -

I never thought a hug could do me so much good. I was convinced that I had made an irreparable gesture towards Naruto, and yet, the latter came to appease the shadows that darkened my heart bitten with guilt. I feel that he forgives me when he has every reason to be angry with me, not to do so. His face—although caring—betrays the suffering for which I am responsible. Naruto truly senses my emotions, and he puts mine before his own. This attention touches me, sincerely, but his case is much more serious than mine, especially with the traumas that haunt him. It gives me the strength to calm down, drive away this tumult of negative feelings as I am used to. I focus on my breath, I empty my mind. I manage to regain my composure in less than a minute.

We separate from each other. Naruto rushes to put his arms behind his back and shivers. His deep blue irises fiercely dodge me. His tail twirls uselessly and a cold sweat breaks out on his temple. The teenager's anxieties are slowly resurfacing now that he no longer has to repress them for me. If I take into account the way he looked at his wrists before my meltdown, Naruto must protect himself from his traumas by not having them in his field of vision. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this group chained him or securely tied him up during his imprisonment; struggling, Naruto probably hurt himself, enough to create marks and bruises.

I briefly walk around the blond to look at his wrists. I frown. They are ugly with reddish bruises, soon purplish. Did I squeeze him that hard to cause such injuries? I am surprised that I wasn't able to control my strength. Admittedly, I had somewhat lost my cool, but that's not my style, even when panic gets involved; I always have my head screwed well on my shoulders. In the immediate future, gnawing my blood for that is useless, especially since I have to relieve Naruto of his torments about these injuries. Judging by his abilities as a chakra devourer, the wounds should subside tonight … however, since he hasn't eaten enough, I doubt it.

"Don't move, Naruto. I'll fix this."

My student is content to remain motionless and obediently wait for me while I get my first aid kit. Behind him, I squat down and gently take one of the arms which I carefully bandage. To make sure he doesn't think about it when he looks at them, I wrap the bandage over the area, but also halfway up his hand, above his thumb. In doing so, the sapphire-eyed boy flinches; with my theory of his great bodily sensitivity, including pain, he must be having a hard time. Then, I assign myself to perform the same ritual with the second arm.

"All done," I say, standing up.

Hesitantly, Naruto replaces his limbs in front of him as he contemplates them both. Apart from a few jolts, his emotional state seems stable to me. At the very least, he manages to look at them.

Suddenly, the blond let out a wail of pain, bringing his arms across his chest, clinging to it before arching forward. Worry grips me. In front of him, I place my hands on his shoulders as the teenager bends only further into himself.

"Naruto! What's wrong?!"

I hear him cringe while emitting another groan; at that, he starts shaking more and more. My breath quickens. I'm trying my best to figure out what's going on with him. No matter how hard I think, nothing comes to mind, not the faintest idea…

Naruto puts a hand on my bicep before painfully raising his head to plunge his irises into mine. He glances at my burning arm, then opens his mouth to show me his fangs, licking them with his tongue.

Surprised, but not surprised, my student lets me know that he's hungry; his body language is very clear. Obviously, his appetite must cause suffering since he cannot stand up straight… However, I am very reluctant; I don't want to face another episode of pushing him away to prevent him from poisoning me with his sleeping venom, especially since it's already running through my body, which is becoming more and more exhausted. I'm afraid not having the strength to fight a second time. The twinges in my bitten, scratched and bluish arm make me hesitate, even refuse. Naruto must be sensing my rejection as he bends his head to hide it in his arms, which he holds them out to me, palms outstretched. I easily recognize this gesture which translates his plea to his request… However, I keep my positions, although he really needs it; I can't bring myself to take any chances with his toxin.

"...Naruto, I can't give you more," I say flatly, taking a step away, my eye avoiding him. "I'm sorry. I can't let you poison me to a point that I don't wake up. I hope you can understand it…"

Immobile, Naruto keeps his posture and doesn't deviate from it. Unable to bring myself to accept his request, I wait in this uncomfortable silence for him to stop begging for my chakra. After an interminable time, the blond lowers his arms while his face is veiled with sadness, annoyance and a hint of disappointment. This situation, this discomfort rather doesn't please me. Especially after this incident which left a bitter taste in the mouth, in addition of upsetting him in every possible way…

I come to doubt my decision. Should I take it upon myself and accept that he poisons me? Even if I lose a whole day, thus enslaved by sleep? Shouldn't I put the sapphire-eyed boy's needs ahead of my own? I am his guardian; the one responsible for watching over him and protecting him from all unimaginable evil, that is understood. These contradictory feelings colliding make me clench my fists. I don't know what action to take. I hesitate; I am tormented by demons devouring everything in their eternal malice…

Naruto looks at his arms which he extends in front of his eyes. I return my attention to him when he fiercely closes his fists, similarly with his teeth harshly rubbing against each other. I am unable to transcribe the expression taking hold of his face akin to contempt and disgust, as if he were to hate himself. This gets on my nerves and Naruto worries me, speeding up my love organ pounding against my chest.

My student sweeps his deep blue irises over me and over his arms a few times. Then, without warning, he violently grabs his left forearm before sinking his fangs into his flesh. His sudden gesture makes me gasp in surprise as I freeze in place, as well as my breathing. Naruto frowns, grimacing as he bends over more and more. The holes created by his canines are dripping long scarlet threads like my own blood loss from earlier, thus staining the floor below. His arm jerks violently. His breathing hitches. I can feel the twinges electrifying Naruto, as if I was experiencing it myself.

Naruto is injecting his own venom into his body.

Naruto inflicts pain on himself and gets down on one knee.

Naruto makes sure to rule out the reason for my refusal so that I accept.

This realization sends a shiver of dread down my spine. The blond is so hungry that he's ready to bite himself to get rid of his toxin… However, I don't know if that's really the case. The way he looked at himself leads me to believe that it's something else. He seems determined not to let his demons possess him and thus harm me.

"Na…Naruto…" I whisper in shock.

After an infinite time, Naruto finally pulls his fangs out of his limb, letting out a few moans. Then, he stretches his trembling arms out to me again to beg for my chakra. I shake my head to come to my senses. I notice that the wounds on his arm continue to bleed at an alarming rate, further marring his tanned skin and the floor. Clearly, Naruto seems immune to his own venom since the bleeding persists with such intensity.

Quickly, I lunge at him and slam my palm down firmly to apply pressure to the holes, startling the blond.

"I'll give you my chakra only after I'm done treating your wound," I dryly say before forcing him to his feet and following me to my first aid box, not releasing the pressure on his skin.

Fortunately, Naruto obediently lets me work while grimacing in pain. As for me, I find it difficult to silence the flow of hemoglobin, even with compresses. Naruto cut a pretty big vein. Unlike him, his venom has already coagulated my blood. What concerns me in all of this is that my student is not at all worried about the state of his arm. Is the pain caused by hunger so painful to consider this wound as insignificant? I sincerely wonder, and to say that I am serene would be a lie.

It takes a long time, but, while Naruto watches me with great intensity, I finally manage to control the bleeding. I clean his forearm, I apply an ointment and I carefully finish by bandaging everything. Like mine, his arm is prey to incessant tremors. All in all, his condition is stable, causing me to breathe a sigh of relief.

It's only now that I look back at him.

Naruto watches me with disturbing neutrality before extending his hands in front of me.

Both annoyed and eager to go to bed, I sigh heavily. Reluctantly, I offer my other arm. To have seen him voluntarily inflict such torture on himself, it's an obligation to yield. Naruto sketches a sincere smile, his eyes light up before taking my forearm gently, his tail wagging. Besides his limb aflame with pain, he doesn't shake. For the first time since his fear of biting me, he trusts himself. It calms my anxieties about my lightning essence soon to be devoured.

I flinch as usual when his fangs pierce my skin to reach my chakra network. My student empties me of my chakra; painful electrical currents pulsate throughout my body, my chakra veins. Moreover, Naruto has indeed drained his venom glands; I don't feel that fire licking my flesh pouring into me until he finally pulls his teeth out.

Really emptied, I pant heavily. A few black stars are dancing before my eyes, but this doesn't last; at this, I am somewhat giddy. The teenager devoured all of my chakra and sucked every last drop out of it. At least, seeing his radiant face and his smile, he ate his fill.

Naruto rushes to take me in his arms, wrapping them around my neck and laying his head there. I'm too exhausted to react, so I just let him do whatever he wants. When he separates from me, I run a weary hand through his mane charged with static electricity and I reach my bed to snuggle myself under the covers… However, before I can reach it, his ebony tail grabs my leg, causing me to lose my balance. I fall against the ledge, my knees against the floor.

Irritated, I painfully turn my head to glare at Naruto. His tail lets go of me and he makes himself tiny, avoiding my dark eye. On the face of it, he didn't do it on purpose and it wasn't his intention to make me fall like that, yet I cannot help but be pissed. He doesn't expect me to stay up all night with him?! Especially since I intend to invite him to sleep with me in order to break his nocturnal creature rhythm?!

Before I can question him, the blond turns his head to look out of the room, putting his hands behind his back; at this, his black tail appears to be pointing in that same direction. I raise an eyebrow, puzzled. My exhausted brain cannot think and I don't have the energy to translate his body language…

Suddenly, I hear a knock on my door, indicating that I have a visitor. This sound overwhelms all my attention and makes me jump. Naruto felt it and that's why he stopped me from going to bed immediately… The fact that he's this calm by not displaying any feral features, this person can only be Shikamaru or Sakura since he trusts them.

My heart pounds in my chest and races. My jerky breath follows the pace of my organ of love. I honestly don't know who it could be. I want Sakura to heal my wounds, but I also want Shikamaru for that nightmarish place that changed Naruto forever. If I were forced to choose between the two, I wouldn't be able to make any decision so much I am so undecided. Moreover, it's late and I only have visitors in the morning. I highly doubt the team has found anything given the circumstances. Weeks of searching turned up nothing after all.

In a paradox of slowness and speed, I hasten to get up. Drained of my chakra and enslaved by his venom, I cannot do it and my legs wobble too much to stand up without leaning against something… To my surprise, Naruto takes my arm to put it on his shoulders before his tail wraps a single turn around my waist to help support me. Thanks to him, I managed to stabilize my posture and walk.

"Thank you," I say as he smiles back at me.

In front of the door, I silently tell him to let go of me—something he does when I use the wall to hold myself up. Nevertheless, he remains on his guard; he must think I'm going to collapse at any moment now. This would hardly be surprising given my sad state. My heart racing unstoppably, I take a deep breath to calm myself down before opening the door.

My crazy organ skips a heartbeat and my dark eye widens when I recognize Shikamaru. My student stares at me; he must wonder about this agitation that is seizing me. I just ignore him to give my full attention to the youngster who arches an eyebrow after sweeping his dark irises over the two of us.

"...Have you found anything?" I ask in a trembling voice, forgetting the fatigue possessing me.

A silence.

"I don't know what happened, but you have to take care of your own wounds too, Kakashi-sensei," he lectures me.

"Did you find it?" I insist.

Shikamaru lets out his usual sigh which betrays his weariness of life itself. Nevertheless, a veil of blackness darkened his face. The atmosphere becomes heavy, excruciatingly heavy. It gets on my nerves and forces me to hold my breath.

After what seems like an eternity, Shikamaru nods.

My brain refuses to believe it. All this time spent finding nothing but disappointments ripping away faint hopes, we finally have information on what happened to the sapphire-eyed boy. If Shikamaru hadn't summoned me this morning, we'd still be stuck in this frustrating and unsolved mystery. Thanks to Naruto, we finally have answers. To see his pout, the prognosis looks rather grim. Sadly, this hardly surprises me given Naruto's unstable and dangerously affected psyche. I can only imagine with horror what the team discovered at this nightmarish place. To be honest, I expect the worst.

So as not to worry my student in any way, I securely cover his ears with my palms. In response, he frowns, staring at me.

"What did you see or find?" I whisper loud enough to be heard. "Did you find out what they did to him? And for what purpose?"

A silence, a retinal avoidance and a disappointment.

"As you guessed, they got back there before us," Shikamaru tells me flatly in a whisper. "They loaded everything down to the smallest burned paper… At the very least, we found a black box that they forgot to take."

A glimmer comes to restore hope.

"Did you manage to make it work?"

He nods. "All of this doesn't bode well, I'm telling you right away. That and what we saw there… It's a real chamber of horrors…"

"How much..?"

Shikamaru remains silent. According to the features of his face, I realize that my worst fears are true… I dare not imagine the hell that Naruto must have lived during this month of sequestration. At the mere idea, I have cold sweats. Despite this fear devouring my entrails, I am eager to hear the precious discoveries that will allow me to understand the functioning of Naruto's brain altered by savagery, and the reasons for his many and too many traumas.

However, the blond begins to fidget. Indeed, he shakes his head to push my hands away. Seeing that I persist in covering his ears, he grabs my wrists to force me to let go. He holds them so tightly that I wince in pain. From then on, Naruto brings his full attention to listen to what is said. Unconsciously, I am annoyed.

"Come to my house tomorrow morning. I'll show you the report and all the details that go with it," Shikamaru offers me, staring at Naruto, also irritated at not being able to share more. "Without any doubts, he was there…"

He sticks a hand in his pockets to get something out. What he shows me next silences me. In his palm, I recognize Naruto's necklace that we thought was lost for good. If we still had doubts whether it was the right hideout or not, this jewel is enough to dispel all perplexity. All in all, I am not the only one to contemplate it with such intensity.

Naruto stares at it, overwhelming his no longer blinking eyes; at this, he freezes and stops breathing. As with his forehead protector, he looks at the necklace to the point that he emancipates himself from the entire universe. As for me and Shikamaru, we remain motionless and wait with anguish what Naruto will do… A shared anxiety increases the tension. The possibility that he throws himself wildly on Shikamaru as he did with me isn't to be excluded…

This trance that engulfed Naruto seems to me to last for hours.

After an eternity, his clenched hands let go of me and his body starts shaking. Grinding his teeth, he holds back tears and hesitantly and slowly approaches his right palm to the necklace. His fingers brush Shikamaru's as he suppresses a jump, probably from the shock of static electricity that I'm completely indifferent to now. With difficulty, Naruto takes the jewel, not without inadvertently scratching the other boy who flinches. He brings it to his face to take a closer look as silent tears escape his eyes.

What happens next makes me astonished.

Naruto throws himself on Shikamaru to hug him in his arms, all trembling. A familiar buzzing sound tells me the blond gave him an electric shock and the youngster—obviously as dumbfounded as I am—winces in pain. I hear the gasps of grief from my student who crushes Shikamaru in his embrace; his ebony tail, meanwhile, keeps its positions and rests on the floor at my feet. Not knowing how to react, Shikamaru completely froze in place like a wax statue.

After long and painful seconds, Naruto separates from him. Not without difficulty, he ties the necklace around his neck before finding refuge in my arms. Mechanically, I hug him back, running a hand through his golden mane. His crying increases to make him gasp loudly as his body jerks violently. The blond hugs me even more tightly, burying his face in my chest, which is quickly flooded with his tears; his black tail wraps around us with equal intensity.

This silence is broken by his increasingly noisy lamentations.

Taken aback, Shikamaru and I exchange a look. Without saying so, we are convinced of this now.

His emotional attachment persists despite the emptiness in his head.

He manages to remember some somewhat abstract things.

Although he fiercely rejects any concrete ones.

Not only isn't he amnesiac the way we thought he was, Naruto let Shikamaru into his personal space. Besides me, he refused to let anyone approach him, let alone touch him. Obviously, he finally trusts him and this is unequivocal. A feeling of happiness takes hold of me and I can only smile; little by little, Naruto sheds his mistrust and his fear of others. I wonder if he will be more lenient in accepting Shikamaru's chakra … deep inside me, I hope so. If I compare his psyche before and that of now, I can certify that I managed to tame him since he deigns to open up to others.

Busy cradling the distraught teenager in my embrace, my shoulders much lighter now, I feel the fatigue catching up with me at an alarming rate. Anxieties about those discoveries still torment me, but not enough to suffer from insomnia, omitting Naruto's venom from the equation, of course.

When he's ready, Naruto will be able to remember who he really is. I will wait in infinite patience, while nurturing this moment when I recognize the boy I know.