Chapter XLVI
An Icy Gaze
As the humidity slowly drowns my apartment, familiar whining makes its way to my ears after just a few minutes. This is Naruto, visibly in the throes of an impending crisis. Without wasting time, I leave my book and hurry into the bathroom. I can clearly hear the moans interspersed with increasingly jerky puffs of air.
I open the glass door, calling out the name of my student. He painfully turns his head to look back at me; his face reflects great physical suffering and not mental as I thought. His back bent and leaning against the walls of the shower, Naruto barely stands. His legs are wobbly and I notice that his left arm, which he keeps out of the water, is shaking. He clenches his fists so roughly that his fingernails dug into the flesh of his palms. In addition, all his muscles are excruciatingly tense.
With horror, I realize that he's experiencing the same symptoms as I did when I suffered martyrdom after slashing my forearm with deep cuts. Clearly, the sapphire-eyed boy has inflicted heavy internal damage on his arm and looking back at the way he bit himself, he wasn't gentle at all.
"That's enough, Naruto," I say, quickly turning off the water.
The blond didn't have time to wash, of course, but I forbid myself to leave him any longer in this hell that I've faced with agony. I grab a towel and spread it out in front of him, inviting him to wrap himself in it. Grimacing in pain, Naruto comes towards me to fold in the fabric. However, he keeps his head down and avoids my dark eye; he's ashamed, probably due to the fact that he failed to clean his body.
"It's all right, Naruto. It's not your fault. I'm not mad at you," I reassure him in a soft voice, smiling.
The teenager gives me a shy smile, but nothing more. He just stays still. The shower has somewhat upset him.
"You need to dry off so I can take care of your left arm."
I wait with infinite patience for him to comply despite his absent desire to do so. Nonetheless, Naruto finally gets to work after the time of a breath. His gestures are clumsy and inefficient; omitting his still waterlogged hair, he's too wet for my liking. In response to the sharp pain that must be stabbing him like a sadistic dagger, he utters a few silent lamentations while gritting his teeth.
Without warning, Naruto wildly shakes his head and tail like a dog, propelling many drops of water everywhere. Instinctively, I raise an arm to protect my face.
I frown and a hint of irritation sets in. I don't like to be sprayed like this and although he doesn't do it on purpose, it makes my hair stand on end. Even my ninkens piss me off after a jump in the river or the aqueous matter. I sigh for a long time, so as not to let annoyance creeps in me.
Presenting me with his back, Naruto offers me his left arm; thus, he eliminates the slightest risk of seeing the traumatic marks. I take a bandage roll out of my pocket before removing the towel adorning his wrist. Like last time, I gently wrap the bandage, making sure the bruises can be forgotten. I cover the holes his bite created too.
"I'm done, Naruto. You can get dressed and join me when you're ready," I say, sliding a hand in his wet mane.
The teenager quickly looks at his arm and pays no more attention to it. Plus, that gentle caress in his blond locks is enough to chase away the dark clouds that were veiling his face, as he lets out a happy, albeit silent, chuckle.
I go to my room and sit at my desk to start my report. Dressed up, his shinobi headband on his forehead, Naruto doesn't take long to join me… However, out of the corner of my eye, I see him get on all fours. He walks around me and once in front of me, he puts his head on my thighs while hugging my abdomen; at that, his tail wraps around my legs, snatching a sigh out of me.
His animal behaviours tear away the hopes that he will regain his humanity and his true personality. I know it will take a long time for him to let go of it so much that this belief is embedded in his broken mind; without his memory, this proves difficult, if not impossible. At the very least, what worries me the most is his inability to care for himself independently.
While I continue my brushstrokes, Naruto doesn't deviate from his posture and is content of doing nothing…
"Naruto, the book I lent you the other day. Why don't you give it a read?"
Listening to my words, Naruto raises his head. His eyes dive into mine for a few blinks. Then, he puts it down, emitting a complaint accompanied by a heavy sigh; he's in no way interested, that is understood. Reading isn't something the old Naruto was fond of, but I thought he'd have a bit of an interest in it given the circumstances. At first glance, he prefers to do nothing rather than give it a second try…
Since it's pointless to insist, I focus on my task. However, I hesitate to include Naruto's sleepwalking fit. I'm afraid that it will betray me or that people will make up ideas about me as much as about him; to that, that they judge he's too dangerous to be free, even under my care. I doubt that they want to imprison him in a cage because of his obvious traumas and his unstable and unpredictable psyche, but it's not to be excluded that he's put aside, me included. After all, if he were to accidentally kill me as he nearly did earlier, I wouldn't be surprised if he erupted in a nameless fury to the point of having to shoot him down.
To protect us both, I don't write down this incident. At least the bruises on my body aren't visible, like my weight loss.
I just have to make sure I never let my guard down with a sleepy, potentially sleepwalking Naruto with murderous tendencies ever again.
Said report finished, I gently push Naruto away to eat something. Since the latter is watching me with great intensity, I present my back to him. Fortunately, he doesn't try to follow me; he waits patiently for me in the bedroom. I'd like to make myself a tea, but with his piercing and voyeuristic gaze, I give up. Taking my book that I had left on the counter, I sit on my bed to read.
Surprised, but not surprised, Naruto lies down to stick to me; I painfully hold back a sigh of exasperation. His exhausted little eyes try to close, yet the blond struggles against sleep. His eyelids close periodically without sinking into Morpheus's arms. In an unacknowledged desire not to disturb him, I hardly move despite the discomfort and the need to change position.
As twilight begins its advance, the fatigue leaves Naruto's body. He finds his usual place in front of the window. However, this time, he opens the window to enjoy the outdoors while inhaling the air. He wears a curious expression, contemplating both the sky and the surroundings with interest. Watching him, I question my own speculations about his indifference to lack of activity and hobbies.
Being a nocturnal creature, it's possible that he's naturally lazy during the day, explaining his preference to relax rather than occupy himself. Judging from his time in captivity, Naruto was very active at nightfall, as opposed to daytime when the many playful objects didn't catch the slightest glance when he was awake. Since I am knocked out by his venom, I have no way of knowing what he's doing during my unconscious state; this observation makes me extremely anxious and to say that I am serene would be a lie… I doubt that he's lying in bed the entire night trying to fall asleep…
I sincerely hope he doesn't do anything weird when I'm vulnerable and unable to react…
I'm afraid to sleep now…
Better to never know … and thus avoid unnecessary anxiety. I cannot stay awake my full life either.
Although there are still some orange glows in the sky despite the darkness chasing away the light, it's the perfect time to feed Naruto. The emotions of today have exhausted me, not to mention my chakra completely devoured the day ago. I want to go to bed in a dreamless slumber, thanks to his toxin. With what my head has imagined with the chamber of horrors, I won't be sorry, on the contrary; a sincere fear of having nightmares about it drives me to crave this substance, to feel it rush through my body to numb it, to turn off my overheated brain.
However, I am particularly worried. I'm afraid Naruto will try to pour his venom into his flesh again. Since his body is struggling to get rid of its own poison, there are risks to his health. He could have a fever, get sick. Healing him with traditional methods is not ideal, although it's the only way because of his immunity. Medical ninjutsu is very useful, produces real miracles and far surpasses modern medicine.
As I put my book down, my heart pounds against my chest—something that captured the sapphire-eyed boy's attention.
"Here, Naruto," I call out, patting the sheets. "I'll feed you my chakra."
Suspicious, I analyze his body language. He stares at me with disturbing neutrality before leaving the window. Standing in front of me, his azure-blue irises, whose sudden phosphorescence illuminates the penumbra, focus on one of my forearms. Naruto remains horribly still, as if frozen in time; to this, he shows no facial emotion. I can't guess what he's thinking, although he's very interested since I can hear tiny movements in his gob.
After harrowing seconds stretching into hours, I watch with horror as he grabs his right arm to sink his fangs into it.
'Fuck!' I swear to myself.
In a flash, I appear behind him. I grab his two arms that I cross in front of him, keeping them out of reach of his wide-open mouth. Perplexed and confused, Naruto turns his head to look at me.
"I forbid you to bite yourself, Naruto," I curtly order him with a stern look. "You will kindly keep your teeth tidy in your mouth, got it?"
My words didn't please him at all since he ruffles all his hair. Immediately, Naruto resists me and it forces me to tighten my grip on his wrists despite the risk of imprinting more bruises. The teenager struggles to bring his arms closer to his fangs ready to bite into the slightest bit of flesh. He bends his back and bends over himself; inevitably, I imitate him. His strength increases as I go along and I find it difficult to keep the upper hand.
I fume to myself, emitting low rumbles.
"NARUTO! YOU STOP!" I order before forcing his hands behind his back.
Naruto hisses and growls in displeasure. At the last moment, I notice his tail about to tighten around both of my legs to tie them up. Luckily, I get one of my feet out at last second. The prehensile limb twists like a vicious snake around one of them up to my thigh, preventing me from bending my knee or moving my now restrained leg properly. In the meantime, he manages to spread his arms and they almost slip out of my hands.
It's only then that I notice that he doesn't control his strength since it constantly varies; Naruto could easily free himself from my grip, but his absolute desire not to hurt me pushes him to be careful. This plays to my advantage since I succeed in crossing his hands behind his back again. He must know that he can break my bones without efforts, even split me in two.
Since he began to struggle, he hasn't glued his lips together and his protruding canines betray his tenacious and irrepressible urge to bite.
"You wanna bite? Very well."
Despite this suffocating biological rope limiting the movements of my numb leg, I slam and pin Naruto into the bed, pressing my knee into the bottom of his spine to crush him. I firmly grab both of his wrists with one hand and use my second to bury his face into the pillow, holding him roughly by the root of his hair. This makes the boy flinch in pain and prevents him from resisting me. He lets out a few useless groans while fidgeting vainly; his blond locks taken hostage chased away his combativeness.
"What are you waiting for, Naruto?" I hiss, not at all patient. "I thought you wanted to empty your venom glands for my precious chakra?"
Seeing Naruto writhing miserably in every direction, I bring my face close to his, until my lips are mere millimetres from his ear.
"You're going to stop that childish tantrum and bite into that damn pillow. It's either that or you can forget about my chakra," I whisper coldly.
His hair stands on end.
His body petrifies.
His voice fades.
His sudden immobility troubles me, and he's no longer breathing. Annoyance gave way to concern. His fur bristled … but this time it's different; it's as if a shiver of terror had invaded him and gave him goosebumps. In addition to his whole being, immobile and paralyzed by an unknown emotion, his heart panics, just like mine, which takes on a similar pace.
Trembling, I release him and separate myself from him. His eyes have become so icy that I suffer frostbite; I don't recognize Naruto in these … as if something else were hiding behind those abyssal black pupils in which light is unable to exist. Shaking my hand in his field of vision, he doesn't react. It's such that his brain has ceased to function—rather, has short-circuited.
Panic devours my insides and a cold sweat runs down my temple.
I'm afraid I've made a terrible and irreparable mistake.
About to gently shake him, Naruto slaps my hand roughly with the back of his. I hold my breath and my throat seals when I meet his unrecognizable gaze; an unspeakable fear slips under my skin and without my being able to choose, I take a step back. Those glowing eyes in the dark… It's not Naruto… I can't explain it, but something else is staring at me with unseen cruelty, as if I'm insignificant and inferior to him. I have the chills; even my hair on the back of my neck is standing up. I no longer feel safe in this too small room and his tail stuck around my leg prevents me from fleeing. The air is uninhabitable. I feel like if I break eye contact, he's gonna jump down my throat…
I stiffen when his irises focus on my arm; his intentions are crystal clear and he's not going to do it nicely at all and without my consent…
Without preamble, he abruptly turns his head away. He roughly grabs the pillow and sinks his fangs full length into it, without the slightest complaint or hesitation. I therefore remain speechless, thereby losing the notion of time.
Naruto pulls back his venom-dripping fangs. His sharp, nightmarish irises stare at the wall in front of them, but they aren't. Only nothingness occupies his vision.
I inhale air into my lungs as Naruto grinds his teeth, pressing a hand against his forehead, his eyelids tightly closed. The grip of his tail relaxes and allows me to free myself from it; my blood rushes at full speed in my limb slowly recovering sensations. Strangely, this supernatural atmosphere of fear and darkness vanished all at once; the oxygen is no longer saturated with imaginary poison and the last gleams of the sun light up the room again, dazzling me, as if a big black cloud that was encompassing the sky with its eternal blackness had dissipated in a snap of the fingers.
What… What just happened...?
Naruto shakes his head before smacking his cheeks. As if this strange episode had never happened, the blond returns his attention to me, stands up and then holds out both arms to me, palms open. Naruto begs for my chakra, but I'm too disturbed by what happened to react.
"Na…Naruto… Are you okay…?" I ask in a shaky voice.
Naruto just waits, motionless. Nevertheless, I recognize my precious student in these virgin pupils of violence and malice. Obviously, he's doing very well; either he's totally indifferent, or he doesn't seem to be concretely aware of what just happened… But he remembers it to a certain degree since he asks me for my chakra and doesn't try to bite himself anymore.
I shake my head and I forget this inexplicable phenomenon which only engenders unnecessary confusion and torment. I don't know what I could have done to provoke such a reaction in him… I have a bad feeling… I have the impression of having awakened something dark in him, very, very dark; something that shouldn't be released at all costs…
I am pulled out of my thoughts when Naruto approached his palms towards me. His request is insistent and I have no reason to refuse. I shake my head again to collect myself. Since one of my forearms is mutilated from scratches, I remove the bandages from the other in better condition, in order to expose my little by little butchered skin on which are anchored indelible marks of suffering. In a paradox of patience and impatience, Naruto waits and stares at my arm, wagging his tail. He takes it as it was a fragile thing when I offer it to him. He feels my skin before sinking his fangs deep into my flesh.
I grit my teeth as I endure the electrifying pain as the teenager devours my chakra and injects me with his venom. He must have kept some aside for me to benefit from and that reassures me. I'm afraid my body is already addicted to it. In any case, the possibility cannot be excluded; to that, the nightmares which I am too often victim won't haunt me this night.
Naruto takes a reasonable amount of chakra from me and pulls his teeth out. Fatigue soon numbs my mind and body. My chakra reserve was already limited due to the intensive feeding the day ago, and I am mentally exhausted. Nevertheless, I note that Naruto's radiant face doesn't betray an unfulfilled appetite; surely that's the real feast he wolfed down yesterday … that, or he learned to hide it brilliantly so as not to worry me.
I treat my wounds with weariness. For fear of oversleeping, I set an alarm for tomorrow before crawling comfortably under the sheets. I forget that my pillow is soiled with his sleep poison. I invite Naruto to slip under the blanket to encourage him to follow my daytime rhythm. He sticks to me, wrapping his ebony tail around my leg. He takes me in his arms, burying his face in my chest. Annoyed and blushing with embarrassment, I let him do whatever he wants.
I think back to this scene which disconcerted me. Have I been too distant and cold? Should I have let him bite himself and give in? No. On this point, I was right to prevent him from doing so… Maybe Naruto didn't like me submitting him to me? Perhaps I brought up nightmare events in memory, which brought to the surface those feral instincts that engulfed Naruto until I could no longer recognize him? Maybe…
Mechanically, although my eyelids are excruciatingly heavy, I observe Naruto, his face so peaceful and full of innocence; I entangle my fingers through his silky golden hair. He smiles as he hugs me tighter without breaking me. It's him, there, before my eyes, in my sheets, it's Naruto. No one can make me say otherwise…
However, I cannot erase from my memory this gaze as icy as the summit of a snow-covered mountain and lost in the clouds, where oxygen is an extremely rare resource. In front of me… I don't know how to say it, but I was convinced that I was in front of someone else … something … inhuman. At this, my survival instinct was ordering my legs to run away for reasons I am unable to explain; sinking into fear like this … it isn't me, far from it…
I was a cub prey to a bloodthirsty predator.
At least, that's how I experienced it…
Thanks to his venom, I am soon freed from my mental torments and I fall asleep in an absence of dreams.
