Harry
(short end)
It's almost two months I'm already here and me and Siry are getting used to it. She is the embodiment of joy and I thank heaven to have her with me. She is sleeping now and I'm profiting to write a bit.
Ted advised me to do it. He is calling to check on me almost daily and he is giving tons of advice. He says it may help my memory in getting stronger. It tends to be liable time to time, I must write down what I do every day so I can fix it. I procrastinated long enough; I'm starting to feel the need of it.
In the morning when I wake up, I spend half an hour looking at some family portraits and I strive to remember as many details as I can. I start in saying birthday and age of everybody. I repeat myself James and Albus' hobbies, friends' name and whatever I can about them, then I continue naming every member of the Weasley family and I try there too to remember something new. I always leave Ginny and Lily for last because I want to give them more time. I don't want to forget them again. So, I struggle to remember everything I can. Sometimes I get so many details is quite staggering, sometimes I find myself not remembering the sound of their voices or some of their expressions. I don't know which one is worst. I'm always very careful to do all this while Siry is sleeping, I don't want her to get upset. When she wakes up, and I know I can do it cheerfully, we watch them together. I don't want her to forget Ginny and I want her to know something about Lily, so I tell her about them. We call it "family time".
When a new memory pops in my mind I take it out and I store it in a small bottle. I bought a pensive so to be sure that nothing gets lost. I never watch them, but I store them for Siry for when she will grow up. She may want to peruse them. I still didn't decide how much and what to tell her about me and our situation, I don't even know if I will be able to do it. I haven't been that good in handling the situation with Albus and James that's why the memories. I don't want to make the same mistake twice.
I'm doing it for Hermione too. She got into her head to write some books about Hogwarts' time. Seven she says, one for every school year. I've always been strongly against the project when I was in London but now that I'm here I don't mind. When I collected enough memories, I ship them to her. I always put a present also, something nice from here, sometime sand or if I find some nice shells on the beach, or some dried flowers, there are some amazing colourful ones in here. Siry always makes some quite postmodernist drawings to add.
Hermione ships them back when she is done together with a letter and more often than not, a book. To keep up with all she sent me I should read in my sleep too.
She got the divorce quite easily apparently. Ron doesn't live far off which is good for the kids but probably not that good for her. We all know Ron, who, by the way, managed to have me conveyed through Neville (as I didn't deem wise to give him my new address) quite a nasty threat. I think that the Burrow are quite barred to me anytime in future.
I didn't expect anything different.
Anyway, I think that Hermione should move back to England, she is not happy in Rumania and I truly hope she'll meet a good man one day who will love her as she deserves to be loved. I cannot be that person unfortunately.
Everybody calls quite often. George said tons of voices are starting to circulate about my disappearance, some of them are preposterous and we spent sometimes laughing about them. He gave his contribution and spread some of the most ridiculous for the mere fun of it. Again, I don't mind as I don't think I'll return. Not for a long while at least.
The house here is amazing just as I always dreamt of. Siry loves it but I'm pretty sure that she does only because I do. I know it was the one at first sight and I got it straight away scarcely giving a glance to the inside.
It's right on the beach, surrounded by greenery and it has got a beautiful porch in front where I hanged a hammock. Me and Siry spend a long time swinging on it. She likes it very much.
At the beginning it has been tough. I missed everybody. But I'm starting to enjoy it here, getting to know people and having a routine. Moreover, our small family has got a new addition.
A few days after our arrival a surprise was waiting for us outside the door in the morning. A stray cat.
Now, I've never been much for cats, but a bit because Siry grew fond of it quickly, a bit because the cat has decided to stay, now is part of the family. I must say this little beast really puts every effort in make me change my mind in regards of its race. It's quite beautiful to start with. Slender and graceful. Of a pure white, only the tail and its ears are red, and it has got some amazing big yellow eyes.
For some unexplainable reason it got fond of me too. It follows me everywhere, jumping on my lap whenever I sit down. It follows me on my morning work out too.
An old woman from the village comes every day to help me out with cleaning and cooking, she keeps an eye on Siry, so I can go out to have my run on the beach. It's so different than in England, looking at the sea and warmed by the sun instead of the always grey raining shitty English weather. At the end of it I always take a plunge in the water that it's quite perfect, crystalline and see-through. It does me well. I can feel it. When I get out Mummy is always there waiting for me.
Yes, it's called Mummy. Siry chose it. I tried to change it as it sounds preposterous, but I didn't manage. It responds only to that name and Siry won't call it anything different. Well, there are worse names. Crook shank for example, to pick one.
This cat is helping me more than I'm willing to admit. My spirit is no high and I'm struggling against depression every day. I strive every morning to wake up and not to let slip my mind into dark reveries and this cat seems determined of not allowing me to. It gets active at dawn and there is no peace until I sit up. It is not even because it is hungry as its bowl it's always full. It's just some mischievous perverseness, I think. It gives me such headbutts and the pouring is so loud I have no choice but to open my eyes, sit up and pet it. Only then it grows calm, and its pouring accompany me in my picture's perusal. And even during the day when suddenly, for no apparent reason, I feel panic and fears creeping on or in other cases apathy take possession of me, the cat is always there nudging me out of it. I swear, it even gets a scolding air if I leave mess somewhere and, nobody will quite believe this but I swear to god is true, once I left my glass on the table without a coaster and it gave me a paw!
It's positively prodding me in my best behaviour.
My mood improved further for another reason lately; I got a letter from James. I couldn't quite believe it. I already got a few from Albus who by the way is doing great with Rose, more in love than ever despite everything is still kept secret, especially from Ron. I fear the moment when it will be disclosed.
But this is the first I get from James, he never answered any of mine up to now, and I thought it would never happen. I was kind of hesitant to open it at first. I still feel a bit sensitive and easily beaten down and I know how sharp that boy in his endeavour can be to punish me for Ginny. Therefore, I waited after my morning workout to read it, it's always the best moment for me when I feel better.
Well, I was surprised. It was a normal letter, not a punishing expedition. Apparently, he has got a new sweetheart. This one seems different though, he had been more communicative about her than usual which make me think it may be important. He wants to invite her here over the summer to introduce her to me. He alleges that she is different from everybody else and can be trusted and I have the feeling that is not much about me trusting her but more about me trusting him and I'm willing to give it a go despite it can turn out disastrous if she should blab. However, I cannot ignore the fact that he has taken a step toward me, and I must do the same if I want to recuperate our relationship and I'm ready to do all what it takes. Nevertheless, I'll have to be careful. Especially in regards of Auntie (it's how Siry calls her as she can't pronounce her name properly and to mock her a bit, I'm using it too).
Our life here has quite changed since we met her. She approached me in one of my runs having noticed me and Mummy passing under her window every day.
I'm quite glad I met her, she has a son of five and Siry is already madly in love with the little boy, who thankfully has the patience of a saint and bears with her. And I'm glad to have somebody to talk to or better to listen to, as I never feel like talking much.
She is working here as biologist or something, some muggle stuff anyway. She is from the continent, but she speaks a fairly good English with a very strong accent. Nice though. It sounds like she is always singing. When she gets excited over something or angry, she reverts immediately to her native language forgetting that I don't understand a thing. An amazing turn on I must say.
Mummy cannot stand her for some reason. All the time she appears Mummy is nowhere to be found. Auntie find it funny and says she is jealous of her over me. Perhaps she is right. Who knows.
She doesn't know much about me; I didn't reveal to her my being a wizard, she only knows I'm a widower. She saw family's pictures and was very surprised to find out that I have got two sons of seventeen and fifteen. She underestimated my age I dare say, or maybe it's because I had them so young. She asked about Lily, and I told her she is dead too. She didn't enquire further but I know she made conjectures that are, of course, wrong.
I spotted her looking at my scars. She asked about the one on the forehead and I told her the Dursley bollocks about the car crash. Together with the fact that I never drive made her add two plus two, I don't talk her out of it. The car accident bullshit is the perfect cover. And she never asks too many questions thankfully.
She didn't enquire about the ones on the forearm, they are quite telling anyhow. I never tried to remove them by magic. I doubt they would come away; something makes me think they are of the same kind of my forehead's one but opposite to that, I don't even want to try. I want Ginny and Lily on my skin, so I won't forget them ever again.
That, together with my silence and unwillingness to speak about my past, made her guess I hadn't had the easiest of life.
Her past is much simpler than mine. She is a single mother. The father apparently didn't want to take care of the boy. Shame. For the boy I mean, for her it's all gain. It's a good lad, I like him despite he doesn't speak English and we have virtually no way to communicate, it doesn't seem to be an issue for Siry though. They seem to understand each other perfectly speaking each its own language.
This thing to hide my true nature is giving me a hard time. Especially because there are many doubtful objects in the house and there are heads popping into the fire every other hour.
At first, to hide it from her, I moved the fire I use for communication in my room but now I must find another spot as it's not safe there any longer. Especially because bloody George calls at the oddest hours and there has been already a close call. I'll move again everything in Albus and James' room, I think.
They will be here shortly, Ted and Victoire are accompanying them, they will stay a week and then they'll go travelling, by the end of the summer George will be here too and he will take them back if they decide to return to Hogwarts. Regina is begging too, in an unstoppable flow of letters, to be allowed to come. I think I'll let her. The more the better. I can't wait to have everybody here. Siry is in a frenzy and everyday asks me how long yet before they will be here.
I don't want them to find out about Auntie however, not yet. I cannot pretend she doesn't exist since Siry is seeing the little boy almost every day and jibber about them constantly, but I don't want them to understand what is going on. I explained it to her, and she understands. I'll go to her place time to time when the boys are busy, but she won't come to mine. Ted agrees with me, even George does. I cannot take any chance with James; we are walking on an edge there and I cannot allow myself any false step.
Hermione doesn't know anything about it either. After what happened at my place, I didn't feel like sharing this with her. It changed our friendship completely. It is still as strong as ever; stronger I dare say but I feel I need to erect some sort of boundaries for her own good. I cannot treat her with the same lightness as before. If ever she'll come here visiting me, I'll introduce her but until then I don't think I'll tell her and I'm sure she won't ask.
And now, writing this, I realise how it sounds like me and Auntie are an item. Which we are not. It surprises me because I never acknowledge it as such. Not to her and not to myself.
What do I feel in her regards? It's all very confusing. My mind is full of Ginny in every instant racking me to pieces and I know my heart is still fully hers. She is the core of each of my thought, of my feelings and of my soul and I would give anything to have her back. Life for me nowadays is a never-ending battle where I fight not to slip in that searing sorrow that threatens me every day. Seeing Siry happy is my priority though and that is what pushes me never to give in and go forward. Is Auntie part of that forward? I think there could be something powerful there if only I'd find the courage to let myself go to it. I don't know if I'm ready though. I don't know if I want it. I don't know if I've got the strength for that too. My mind is already to pieces and I'm starting only now to put them together. I cannot run the risk to have everything wrecked again.
She is not pressuring me in any way, she is even too understanding. Many times, when I was in one of my lowest moments and she found me in that state, Siry whimpering by my side and me unable to do anything but stare blankly in front of me, she actively helped me and consoled me as only women can do. Which I think is very noble of her, considering I am grieving for another woman and considering the very little she receives from me. By my part, at least, I do my best not to mingle the two. When I'm with Auntie I make sure it's only her, when I have sex with her it's because I want to have it with her. I won't allow this situation to slip in the dangerous pretend thingy like with Hermione. I don't want to make the same disastrous mistake twice. That's why up to a fortnight ago we didn't meet very often, and our intercourses had been sporadic.
Yet, the situation is slipping fast out of hands now and it scares me. We look for each other with increasing frequency. Time to time I can spot in her eyes something I've seen in Hermione's eyes too and a couple of times I found myself thinking about her with longing at night when I couldn't sleep.
It's crazy and dangerous and wrong. I need to stop this madness as soon as it may be.
Siry just woke up. I had to write about what I have done yesterday, and I wrote everything but that.
I'll check on her and then I will be back to do it.
Ok, I'm back. I hadn't had the time up to now. It's the middle of the night. Siry is sleeping soundly in her room. To her delight we made a camp bed for the boy and behind me, in my bed, there is Auntie. She is sleeping. For the first time she is staying overnight. Mummy is on my lap pouring like a steam train.
Today has been staggering and I don't know what to make of it.
When I went to Siry, she told me she had a dream. A sentence that always feels me with dread. Her dreams cannot be treated lightly, and I don't know if I can bear any other distress. But it wasn't a foreboding one for once and it shocked me.
'There was mummy' she told me.
'What? The cat?' I asked puzzled.
'My mummy' she pointed out with her round big eyes fixed on me and I understood her meaning.
I felt all my guts flipping.
She started an unbelievable tale where she had played with Lily with a rabbit plush (how could she fucking know that Lily's plush had that shape?), being as it may, she loved her, she said that she is very nice and apparently, she liked her hair.
'What about mummy?' I asked her.
'She gave me kisses!' she chirped joyfully.
I didn't know what to think, her dreams are never only dreams. But then she startled me.
'She told me to hug you' and as she said, she threw her short arms around my neck and I don't know if it was my imagination playing me a trick or it was indeed real, but I got a whiff of Ginny's smell and it gave me such a piercing pain that even Siry faltered.
I got a grip on myself perceiving it and I forced my mind and my face back in a smile.
'She said she likes Auntie' she added still holding my neck and it seemed to me almost to hear her voice 'I like her too' she concluded drawing from me and taking her teddy.
'Where did you meet them, sweetie?' I asked her when I managed to regain control.
She looked at me with her round big green eyes and I already knew the answer before she gave it to me.
'In the garden. Lily gave me cherries'
I had not much time to ponder over it composedly because at that moment Auntie popped by to leave the boy with Siry before going to work (it's a favour I always make her with pleasure as makes Siry happy), I offered her a tea like every morning (she doesn't much like how I make coffee).
When she sat on the sofa sipping it the unbelievable happened. Mummy sat on her lap and rubbed under her chin almost knocking off her tea and when I sat on her side, it did the same with me and then glided away gracefully.
We looked at each other bemused and then she burst out laughing.
I'm not really sure what happened there but seeing her laughing I felt a push inside me, so I took her chin and I kissed her. It was the first time as I've never done it before. Perhaps I was too scared it could unleash something more. Something I'm not sure I'm ready to go through again. But it felt the right thing to do, and I've done it.
She was surprised but kissed me back and when we broke apart, I felt something so powerful inside, I couldn't give a proper name to. I heard Siry laughing heartily from the other room then and I understood; it was only happiness.
Siry's dream was again in my mind then. My daughter is a seer. She has indeed met Ginny and apparently, she approves of Auntie. If she wanted me to know it, it's because she thinks I should let myself go to it.
And since, as I learned in twenty years of marriage, she has always been right and I've always been wrong, if she thinks I can do it so then I can. At the end, let's not forget that it was indeed me who defeated the darkest wizard of all time. The strength must be in me somewhere.
White cottage, 20 June 2019
P.s. Ah yes, I almost forgot; I didn't do anything too important yesterday and now that I think of it not the day before, not since I got here as a matter of fact. But I have a strong suspicion that I'm doing it now, from this morning, from this moment and I'll keep working on it from now on. My new life is begun.
