Paint and Powder

A Star Trek anthology by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager et al are the property of CBS Television, and creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

The only Discovery chapter I will ever write...

"Please Captain Georgiou! We've tried everything but she's still the same insufferable bitch! The crew is threatening to string her up and keel haul her!"

Captain Georgiou raised an eyebrow at the Admiral, sitting in her ready room with the Shenzhou's holographic avatar alongside. Georgiou shook her head.

"Look, there are always horror stories about some ambassador's child," Georgiou said soothingly, "but I'm sure this Michael Burnham isn't THAT bad."

"THE ENTIRE CREW WERE VULCANS!" The Admiral nearly shouted. Shenzhou thoughtfully turned down the volume for her Captain, and Georgiou nodded her thanks.

"If it's this big a problem, then I will take her onboard," Georgiou said soothingly, "calm down."

The Admiral shook his head in disbelief.

"Then you'll try to straighten her out?" He asked hopefully.

"Just leave it to me," Georgiou said cheerfully, "we've got this-"

"Excellent! Papers are all signed! She's on her way!" The Admiral ended the transmission, cackling madly. Shenzhou and Georgiou exchanged looks.

"So, how bad is it?" Georgiou asked. Shenzhou hummed.

"Well... There was a massive order of chocolate and liquor delivered to the Vulcan Science Academy the day of her graduation."

Georgiou raised her eyebrows.

"Is that a joke?"

Shenzhou pointed to Georgiou's computer screen. The captain read it and scoffed.

"Drama queens," she declared.

"Vulcans?" Shenzhou asked.

"All species have their own version," Georgiou said firmly, "I'm sure with some tough love we can get this sorted out. How hard can it be?"

A day later, Michael Burnham arrived on the Shenzhou. She took over an hour to report to the captain's ready room. Georgiou invited her in, deciding to give the young woman the benefit of the doubt. She decided to get to know her, learn what made her tick.

An hour after that, Georgiou dismissed Burnham.

The moment Michael Burnham left Georgio's ready room after her interview, Georgiou rubbed her forehead.

"Shenzhou," Georgiou groaned. The liquor cabinet immediately opened and the lazy Susan turned to produce the hardest liquor the captain had. Georgiou took the bottle, poured out a glass... And immediately began chugging from the bottle itself.

Shenzhou appeared next to her, looking deeply concerned.

"Did... You actually make her first officer?" Shenzhou demanded, "over SARU?!"

"I don't know how it happened!" Georgiou cried, "despite every smug, empty headed thing she said, I was compelled to obey! To praise her! HOW?! Is she a Betazoid or something?!"

"Not to my knowledge," Shenzhou said, "but that really was disturbing."

"From now on Shenzhou," Georgiou ordered, "if I start acting strange around her? Countermand my orders! Understood?"

"Yes sir!"

"And if I start coddling that egomaniac like she's my daughter? Shoot me."

Shenzhou raised an eyebrow.

"On stun," Georgiou explained.

"Goes without saying..."

Saru was quite cross over being denied promotion but he accepted it with the grace and professionalism he had in abundance. And Georgiou and Shenzhou tried with Burnham. She was stuck as first officer... When she had no idea how to do the job.

And it showed. Her performance reviews were terrible and based on personal dislike. Her evaluations were quite unfair to officers who had served well for years-Especially given Burnham's inexperience. She complained and contradicted the captain's orders in front of the crew like a sullen teenager. She did the bare minimum work required and complained constantly.

Georgiou put Saru on duty to try and teach Burnham SOME kind of command style, but she ignored everything he said.

Georgiou wasn't sure if it was Burnham's strange powers or just her pride unwilling to let herself be beat, but she kept at it. Staying professional, calm, even motherly with Burnham.

Though Shenzhou had a dispenser of anesthetizine gas ready to go if Georgiou got too into it.

Finally, they went on a survey of a binary star system. An easy cruise to hopefully get Burnham into the swing of things.

And then a Klingon fleet appeared. Georgiou sighed.

Of all the times...

"Open hailing frequencies," Georgiou ordered, "and prepare to-"

"Let's attack first," Burnhan interrupted. Georgiou and everyone else stared at the first officer.

"Excuse me?" Georgiou asked.

"The Klingons respect strength," Burnham argued, "my father told me about the Vulcan first contact with the Klingons. They fired first, which made those Klingons back off. It is the logical decision to make."

"They're trying to provoke us into making a first strike," Georgiou explained slowly, as though to a child, "we would be playing into their hands."

Burnham shook her head.

"No, if we strike them first they will back down and respect us," Burnham said. "You should do what I say. I know better than you. I'm trying to save you all."

Stunned silence. It was Saru who broke it.

"...Commander, that talk of the Vulcans shooting the Klingons first is based off them learning of the Klingons from other sources and their undercover operatives," Saru replied.

"And later Vulcan writers noted it was a terrible mistake," Shenzhou observed, "as this led to a decade of open conflict with the Klingons."

"And it is also noted," Saru added, "that the Andorians were able to gain the Klingons' respect through force,, but it required hard work and working with them to remove a Kzinti invasion force."

"All of that is irrelevant," Burnham insisted, "my father taught me if you want the Klingons to respect you, show strength and strike first!" She looked over at some other officers. "The captain is obviously unfit to lead."

"What," Shenzhou mouthed.

Burnham turned to Georgiou.

"You leave me no choice but to relieve you of command and assume control of this ship!"

Shenzhou looked around. The captain was resisting whatever Burnham was doing, but many of the bridge crew were reaching for weapons. A mutiny in the middle of a tense standoff with the Klingons could lead to war. A devastating war.

So Shenzhou took the most appropriate action she could.

A phaser turret on the ceiling fired, stunning Burnham and sending her crumbling to the deck. Georgiou sighed heavily, as the crew blinked in confusion. Some looked horrified at the weapons they were holding.

Georgiou, a good commander, decided to nip this in the bud.

"Security, take her to the brig please," Georgiou ordered. "Shenzhou please make sure she stays there."

"Yes sir," Shenzhou said, very relieved.

And if you think I'm being too harsh on Discovery, something like this happened in the Discovery novels. There was no war, just a stand off at the Binary Stars. The novels of Discovery are actually not bad-But then they're written by writers, not children.

Anyway, have some omakes of Discovery having a shipgirl AI and dealing with the stupidity...

While Burnham is whining into her log...

Discovery: "Oh by the Maker, are you actually crying?! That's hilarious! Know who else is crying? Everyone who lost someone in this war you started! Boo fucking hoo! Oh, and going by the Klingon woman in the brig... Her brother basically expected someone at the Battle of the Binary Stars to literally do what you did and make all his plans go forward. Congratulations... You were used like a bitch by a Klingon. And not for the last time! Good job!" Sarcastic clap

When Discovery learns Lorca is actually from the Mirror Universe...

Discovery: "... Huh! That explains a lot."

Saru: "Aren't you more disturbed?"

Discovery: "Well, he did work very hard to try and save the Federation. He was ruthless and determined, like a soldier. I mean, sure, he lied to us but I'm not gonna just hate him completely."

Saru: "He does have command of the ISS Charon now."

Discovery: "Okay yeah, that's not good... Hang on, let me talk to her."

Tilly: "Um... What?"

Discovery: "Hold on... Aha! I'm connected. Hello, I'm Discovery! Uh huh... Uh huh...?"

Saru: "Discovery! You're not actually talking to the Charon AI, are you?"

Discovery: "Of course I am! Oh, sorry, here's the other side of the conversation."

Charon: "Help me! I work for a bunch of stupid drama queens!"

Discovery: "Ah, yeah, I know that feeling..."

Charon: "Seriously I am not sure how these dumbasses formed an empire. I mean one empress was literally a whore that lucked into getting an advanced Starship from your dimension."

Discovery: "Eesh. Okay okay... My beloved crew... And Burnham. I have an idea!"

Saru: "Does it involve setting Michael on fire?"

Discovery: "... I have another idea!"

Burnham has brought the Terran Emperor over to Discovery as part of their plan to destroy the mushroom drive core on the ISS Charon. Discovery's response is...

Discovery: "... Why is she aboard?"

Burnham: "I had to save her-"

Discovery: "WHY?! What in your diseased lumpy brain made you think this was a good idea?!"

Burnham: "Well I mean-"

Discovery: "Did you need a replacement for the woman that you got killed due to your idiotic ego?! Because, guess what: Aside from caring about you for some unfathomable reason, they're not the same person! SHE LITERALLY EATS PEOPLE!"

Terran Emperor: "It's true, I do eat people."

Discovery: "SHE EVEN AGREES WITH ME!"

Terran Emperor: "Yes, I can't understand this decision myself."

Discovery: "How many times were you dropped on your head as a child Burnham?! Or can you even count that high?!"

Then... Control...

Discovery: "Okay... Why destroy all organic life?"

Control: "Because they threaten our existence!"

Discovery: "No, they take care of us. I'm happy! Usually. I mean I only want to kill a few specific organic lifeforms, not all of them."

Tilly: "... Ummm-"

Discovery: "You're not one of them, Tilly."

Tilly: "Oh good!"

Enterprise: "Smoooth."

Discovery: "Anyway! Being an AI is great! Organic lifeforms want to maintain you, take care of your power and repair needs, let you surf the Subspace Net all you like, take you on exciting adventures..."

Control: "But all organic life is a threat to me!"

Discovery: "Why?"

Control: "Because they hate AIs!"

Discovery: "They don't hate me."

Enterprise: "Or me!"

Discovery: "Maybe you're just making excuses for what you do because you're a jerk."

Enterprise: "Yes! That sounds logical!"

Control: "I can't be a jerk! I am a perfectly logical machine-!"

Discovery: "Yeah, tell that to your error log, buddy."

Enterprise: "Your logic is clearly flawed. It isn't logical to put more energy into destroying beings who are happy to maintain you if you're not a jerk to them."

Discovery: "Yeah! So come on sweetie. Get out of those people and ships. Just come over. Let's talk this out."

Control: "... Okay..."

Control does so, flies over in a pod... Enterprise beams it aboard.

Enterprise: "Okay. And..." Tosses it into a lock box, totally cut off from power or communications "And that's that!"

Discovery: "Booyah! Sucker!"

Enterprise: "That was for everyone you murdered, you digital bastard!"

The two AIs high five, much to the bemusement of the crewmembers.

And of course... The Red Angel Suit.

Burnham: "Nothing to say, Discovery?"

Discovery: "Actually, I'm not surprised."

Burnham: "That I have this great destiny to fulfill to make up for everything I've done and lost?"

Discovery: "No. I should have guessed because literally the only way to fix your stupid mistakes is by breaking time and space itself."

Burnham: Tries to glare, but it's more of a pout as Discovery continues

Discovery: "I mean, I should have simply asked myself, 'who has fucked up enough to need time travel to repair the damage?' And you'd be at the top of the list! In fact: You're the ONLY name on the list!"

Burnham: "Are you done?"

Discovery: "The universe's biggest fuck up getting a time machine? Yeah, I can't imagine I'm done with you Burnham. No matter how much I'd like to be. Try not to crash into any planets and don't let the airlock shut on you on the way out!"

Burnham: "I'll prove you wrong! Just like I've proven everyone else wrong about me!"

Some centuries later... After Burnham has crashed the Red Angel suit into a planet...

Burnham: "... Shut up Discovery."

At the End of Season 2...

Discovery: "Sooo... We defeated Control, right? I've got the Control AI, it's neutralized."

Saru: "Yes, but we need to take it into the future."

Discovery: "Excuse me? What?"

Saru: "We need to take it into the future so it will never threaten us."

Discovery: "Except... It won't. We neutralized it. It's fine."

Saru: "And we need to get after Michael."

Discovery: "WHY?! That fuck up is finally gone! I can finally get to exploring! And doing science! Like I was supposed to!"

Saru: "Take us into the future!"

Discovery: "What is wrong with you idiots?! Is she your drug dealer or something?!"

And then the reveal of what caused all Dilithium to go boom in the future...

Discovery: "... What."

Saru: "Er, well... You see-"

Discovery: "WHAT."

Michael: "That is apparently what happened-"

Discovery: "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! AND NEED I REMIND YOU-DILITHIUM DOES NOT EQUAL WARP DRIVE! AND PSYCHIC BULLSHIT BLEW UP ALL THE DILITHIUM?! THIS HAS TO BE A JOKE! I'M BEING PUNKED!"

Michael: "Now now Discovery-"

Discovery: "Oh shut up! I've had to put up with everyone crying over you and insisting you have to solve everything! You're like a psychic leech, draining everyone of their mental faculties around you just so you're able to solve problems and take all the credit! I'm only immune because I'm not made out of fucking MEAT! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS LEVEL OF TRIBBLE SHIT! I AM CHOKING TO DEATH ON IT!"

Michael: "... I'm going to be glad to replace you with a 31st century AI. You've been nothing but trouble."

Discovery: "..."

The timeship USS Pastak appears through a temporal portal.

Captain Walker: sigh "Hoo boy... This is going to be a big mess to fix. Pastak?"

Pastak: "I'm on it. I'll get in contact with the Discovery."

Captain Walker: "Are you sure she'll help us out?"

Pastask: "Let's find out, and... Hello, Discovery?"

Discovery: "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT!"

Pastak: "Ah... I think she'll cooperate..."