Paint and Powder

A Star Trek anthology by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager et al are the property of CBS Television, and creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

That Freaking Whale Probe...

The Enterprise-E really hated her job sometimes. Oh sure, her entire career was filled with events, terrible and wonderful, that might have broken lesser beings. But it wasn't dealing with Klingons, Romulans, or Borg that were the most aggravating.

For nothing threatened to break Enterprise more... Than the annoying.

One of the most annoying things she had ever encountered were gigantic, stupid AIs controlling unbelievably advanced probes. Their creators had put so much power and advanced technology into these vessels... And then apparently left the programming to control all of that power to whatever random moron walked into the office that morning.

In this case? That fucking Cetacean Probe.

In 2286, it shut down everything the Federation had thrown at it-The entire fleet, Earth Spacedock, and then Earth itself. It had then proceeded to start ionizing Earth's atmosphere and vaporizing its oceans while blasting a signal, over and over and over.

The signal was humpback whale song. The probe was doing all of this, ignoring and harming every other intelligent lifeform in its way, all for the purposes of shouting at whales and ruining their world.

Honestly, Enterprise was most put out she hadn't gotten to go with her crew back in time to bring some humpback whales back to tell the probe to fuck off. She'd been stuck in Memory Alpha, chomping at the bit to get into a hull to go and try to help.

She didn't know how, but she hated just being so helpless!

Nevertheless, the whales told the Probe to go away, and it flew off. Enterprise got a new hull (NCC-1701-A)! The Klingon Bird of Prey AI that had helped her crew save the Federation got to go home as a gift, covered in glory and medals pinned to her...

(Something she still hadn't lived down.)

And Enterprise, once refit with a humpback whale translator, became good friends with George and Gracie. And their many children, of course.

All's well that ends well... Until today. When...

"Oh by the Maker," Enterprise cursed as she approached a gigantic, black cylindrical object floating high over a Federation world, "not you again!"

Enterprise

had received a distress call from an oceanic world-Azati Prime. It was the main world for the Xindi-Aquatics, who had been Federation members for quite some time. Apparently the big, stupid probe had wandered back into Federation space and was now shouting at the oceans of this world.

The effects of the Probe were bad enough on a planet mostly covered in water. Given that the Xindi-Aquatics were... Well, aquatic, and lived in huge underwater cities on a waterworld, the Probe could kill millions of them!

So, Captain Picard directed Enterprise to resolve this as quickly as possible. She linked with the Probe via the Borderlands, and scrutinized its avatar.

It was probably obvious it would take the form of a cetacean, but it looked so... Dopey. Like a dull whale from a children's holo. It slowly turned to regard Enterprise.

"Hmmm... You're not a whale," it said.

"No, I'm not, but-"

"Don't care. Only talk to whales," the AI stated, turning away. Enterprise grit her teeth... And then changed her avatar form to that of a small white narwhal. She cleared her throat.

"Excuse me, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Enterprise demanded of the Probe (in Humpback whale, of course).

The Probe's AI took a moment to process this, before responding.

"Hello, have we met before?"

Enterprise held back a groan.

"No, I'm... A Starfleet Whale."

"Who?" The AI asked dully.

"The planet Earth? Sol System?" Enterprise pushed. The AI stared back blankly.

"George and Gracie's world?" Enterprise growled.

"Oh!" The Probe answered, mentally nodding, "yes, I do! How are they doing?"

Enterprise took a deep breath.

"Better now that you're NOT FUCKING UP THEIR OCEANS. LIKE YOU'RE DOING TO THESE PEOPLE?!"

The Probe seemed more confused than angry by Enterprise's tone.

"Well... We haven't heard from the whales on this planet for a while. So we're stirring up their oceans to get an answer."

Enterprise stared across the Borderlands at the AI.

"... Let me get this straight. You're going to utterly destroy all life on this planet unless a freaking Whale tells you to fuck off and leave them alone?!"

"Of course! It only makes sense," the Probe said cheerfully.

"Well, I'm a whale," Enterprise tried, "can't you stop doing this because I asked you to?"

"Hmph. You're a digital whale," the AI sniffed, "doesn't count. I only talk to whales."

"The inhabitants of this planet are aquatic mammals, sapient ones!" Enterprise tried, "surely you don't want to destroy them!"

"Ehhhh... They're not really whales," the AI said.

"How are they not?!" Enterprise demanded. The AI shrugged its flippers.

"They have hands. Whales shouldn't have hands," it said.

It was very lucky, Enterprise decided, that she didn't have blood pressure. It would be spiking by now. Though her EPS system was certainly threatening to blow.

"Uggghhh... Hang on..."

Enterprise accessed subspace communications. Thankfully they were very close to Earth... Relatively speaking, anyway. She dialed the correct number, waited for the connection... And opened the comm window. Two humpback whales were staring into a mobile probe viewer, as they lazily swam in San Francisco bay.

"Hey George! Hey Gracie! Sorry to bother you," Enterprise said cheerfully. "Hm? Oh yes. your great grandkids are wonderful! We dropped them off at Pacifica-Sorry that's not why I called you..."

Enterprise winced at George's reply.

"Yes, I'm afraid it's another fucking Probe. Hang on, I'll patch you in."

She linked the audio and visual transmission to the Cetecean Probe... And recorded it, because George was one angry whale.

"FUCK OFF YOU STUPID PROBE! STOP FUCKING UP PLANETS! JUST CALL LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING BEING!"

The Cetacean Probe reared back, as though struck. It immediately ceased its assault on Azati Prime.

"Right, right, sorry! Geez, you're so touchy even at your age!" The Probe responded.

"BECAUSE YOU KEEP FUCKING UP OCEANS! JUST GET OUT OF HERE! FUCK OFF TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE, DAMNIT!" George shouted. The Probe, looking annoyed, cut off the transmission. It began to turn and fly away from Azati Prime, restoring power to the entire fleet.

Enterprise sighed in relief.

"Thanks George. Sorry again, we'll do lunch next time I'm home!"

"Take care, Enterprise!" George said. "Though... I must say, you make a fetching whale. You gonna stay like that?"

"No, thank you," Enterprise said, shifting back to her usual human form, "no offense, I just prefer hands."

"Ah," George said, nodding sagely, "shame."

Gracie slapped him with her tail.

"OW! I was only joking, Gracie!"

"You'd better be!" Gracie growled, as they cut off the transmission.

Enterprise shook her head and rubbed her temples. She returned to her bridge with a smile to her crew.

"Mission accomplished, captain!" She chirped brightly.

PIcard nodded, leaning back in his chair with a smile.

"Excellently done, Enterprise," he complimented her.

"So... All's whale that ends whale?" Riker asked with a grin.

Enterprise slowly turned and glared at the first officer. He shrugged.

"Someone had to make that joke," he said.

"Did you? Did you really?" Enterprise sighed.

The Space Cetaceans who built the Big Whale Probe from ST4 are just assholes.
Also? They're totally racist. Some gigantic probe that depowers and destroys anything in its way because apparently it only cares about one kind of lifeform? That's racist!