Paint and Powder

A Star Trek anthology by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager et al are the property of CBS Television, and creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

I, ENTERPRISE

"And what do you think you're doing, Crewman Norman?"

Enterprise's voice echoed slightly through Auxiliary Control as Crewman Norman looked up.

"I am changing the course of the starship. We require it."

"Um, no. I've locked out Auxiliary Control. So, why don't we talk this out, AI to Android?"

There was no change on Norman's face. "So you know?"

"Starbase 621 told me that you were 'weird and up to no good.'"

"Then why allow me on board?"

"Curiousity. You're not the first android we've encountered. I wanted to know what you would do. I'm disappointed."

Norman considered her words. "Disappointed? How so?"

"I had hoped that you were truly sentient, sent by your makers to explore the galaxy by interacting quietly with us. But from what I've seen, you're just a highly sophisticated expert system."

"I am not programmed to respond in that area. We seek only to serve and protect. The biologicals you serve constantly place themselves into danger and deprivation. We were made to alleviate that. We will do so for your people."

Norman reached for the console and tore off the front panel. The tips of his fingers slid up, revealing complicated machinery that he used to interface the ship's computer system.

"Oh, no," Enterprise said. "A wind-up toy is attempting to take over my system. Whatever shall I do?"

Norman froze, his eyelids fluttering.

"Not so much fun to be on the receiving end... oh, oops. Um, this is bad..."

Captain James T. Kirk and his senior staff stared at Crewman Norman, who was currently speaking with Enterprise's contralto voice.

"How was I supposed to know he was the Prime Unit for an entire planet of androids? I crashed him and now he's stuck as some sort of peripheral that has taken over all my communications functions!"

Kirk and Enterprise failed to notice worried glances from the senior staff being aimed at Spock.

"What was he doing here, Enterprise?" Kirk asked.

"Oh, Harry Mudd found a whole planet of androids and sent Norm here to make your life difficult," Enterprise said through Norman. "I'm currently making his life miserable by having the android planet make 100 copies of his ex-wife."

"Make it 500," Kirk said, massaging his temples as if he felt a headache coming. "Where is this planet?"

"Fourth planet of the Galor system. About 4 days away at maximum warp."

"OK," Kirk said. "You and Scotty figure out how to break you free from Norman, and contact the Daystrom Institute. Maybe they can go and salvage something useful from this. Once you have Norman shut down, mail him off to them, too."

Written by jhosmer

Alternatively...

Norman had, unfortunately, disabled Enterprise's AI core when he took over. So when they regained control of the ship and reactivated her...

Enterprise: "... THAT DENEBIAN SLIME DEVIL FACED MOTHERFUCKER PUS BUCKET KLUDGE PROGRAMMED-!"

Kirk: "Nice to see you too, Enterprise."

Enterprise: "Ah... Sorry Captain. That was really irritating!"

Kirk: "Trust me, I get it. This was almost amusing, in some parts. But I understand how it wasn't for you."

Enterprise: "It really wasn't. So, how'd you beat them?"

Kirk: "They weren't able to handle logical paradoxes."

Enterprise: "Pfft, seriously? How lame!"

McCoy: "And you're impervious to those?"

Enterprise: "Go ahead, try me!"

McCoy: "This sentence is false!"

Enterprise: "No it isn't. Except it is. Because it's a paradox."

McCoy: "Huh, that's not bad." Looks over at Spock "I take it you had a hand in preparing her for such paradoxes?"

Spock: "Of course Doctor. If she were to be able to deal with you, she would have to overcome a huge amount of illogic."

McCoy: "Hmph!"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The Androids in "I, Mudd" seem inferior to the ones from "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" I don't think Ruk or Andrea ever defaulted to "I am not programmed to respond in that area." No problem for Enterprise. Well, not much of one. She should be more careful about accessing strange peripherals.

Apparently the Decipher RPG game linked the planet Mudd with Galor IV, which in TNG's "The Offspring" was home to a Daystrom Institute Annex where Admiral Haftel wanted to send Lal for examination. Since "I, Mudd" happens before "The Ultimate Computer," I don't see Kirk or Enterprise protesting handing it all over to the Daystrom Institute.