Chapter 13
Vive memor leti
"Live remembering death"

"Sorrow concealed, like an oven stopp'd,
Doth burn the heart to cinders where it is."
—Titus Andronicus

Her body ached, no matter the position she laid in. There seemed to be no comfort to be had.

And she was positive that they knew what had happened. She shivered under the blanket they'd draped over her.

Sango was always there. Every time she woke up, Sango was there, reassuring her that this was real, and she was safe. It all still felt like a dream. Like she could wake up at any moment, and she would be back there, with them, attached to that cart. As if reality wasn't enough, she still dreamed about it. Every time she closed her eyes, they were there. Staring, leering at her. And no one ever came to save her.

Her hands shook as she wiped her face and found it wet, like she'd been crying again. She was always crying.

"You awake?" The soft padding of Sango's feet came across the room towards her, and she knelt down beside her. Sango spoke quietly, giving her soft smiles. Kagome turned her head to look at her. "It's almost time to change your bandages, and we thought that you might like a good bath."

The idea of a bath appealed to her. She felt disgusting, inside and out. She'd wanted a bath when she woke up in the woods. How long ago had that been? She stared at her hands for a moment, noting that her wrists were wrapped in bandages. The ropes had felt like brands being dug into her skin when she pulled on them, trying to get away.

"Kagome?" Sango asked, reaching out to grab her hand lightly. "Do you want to go get a bath? There's a bathhouse here. Miroku did a few blessings and, in exchange, they agreed to let us use it privately when you're ready. They'll even have some warm water for you." Kagome looked up at her.

"Can we go now?" She asked. Her voice came out barely above a whisper. "I need—" Her voice broke, and she felt tears again. Maybe it was the smell?

"Of course we can," Sango said with another soft smile. "Let me send Miroku on ahead, so they can have it ready for us, okay?"

Kagome nodded, and Sango leaned out the doorway, speaking quietly. After a moment, the sound of Miroku's staff jingling reached her, and tears welled up again. She'd missed them so much. Sango reappeared next to her and shifted some of the blankets away.

"Do you feel ready to stand a little? Lean on me as much as you need, okay? I'm right here," Sango stated, looping one of her arms around her neck as she slowly helped Kagome rise to her feet. Her muscles were stiff and aching as she moved to get her knees under her. She groaned, and Sango paused to let her rest for a moment. "You're doing good. I know it's been a while since you were up, so take your time. It'll take them a little bit to get everything set up, so no rushing, okay?" Kagome nodded, breathing heavily.

Where was Inuyasha?

He hadn't come to see her once since she'd been awake.

Did he really not want to see her? Did she smell that badly?

Or was it something else?

"Alright, I'm going to help you stand up, okay?" Sango shifted to hold her weight steadier and practically lifted Kagome off the ground. Her legs were nearly useless as she clung to Sango's shoulders to support herself, completely out of breath and sweating.

"Sorry," she panted.

"Don't be. It's fine. It's okay," Sango told her, as she took a couple hesitant steps towards the doorway. Her legs burned with use, one more than the other, and her feet were so tender the hard wood felt like nails driving into the soles of her feet. Her legs buckled, but Sango managed to keep her upright and not crashing to the floor.

"Inuyasha!" Sango called and Kagome dug her fingers into a death grip on her clothing.

He appeared in the doorway, scowling at her.

"Shit, Sango," he grumbled, not even acknowledging her presence. He scooped her up, holding her at a slight distance, like he didn't want her touching him at all.

"Miroku's preparing the bath for her."

"Fine. I'll meet you there." Sango agreed quickly, darting back into the room. Inuyasha though began moving away from the small room. "It won't take long," he muttered, and she drew her hands towards herself. He clearly was unhappy about having to touch her.

When she was . . . away, she'd practically dreamed that he'd at least want to hug her when they were reunited. This though, this was something out of her nightmares. After everything, he didn't want her anymore. Not even as a friend. She'd tried so hard, too. He didn't even know how hard she'd tried to get away.
He moved at a brisk pace through the village, scowling and ears twisting around to catch all the sounds. She tried to keep herself as stiff as she could to prevent anymore of her touching him than was strictly necessary.

He was equally stiff and looking displeased with his current occupation. She heard someone running up towards them and tensed, almost reaching for his fire rat out of habit or instinct. His hands tightened on her, and he turned to look behind him.

"It's Sango," he said and continued walking.

People were staring at her. Face after face pausing to glance her way as they passed. They probably knew what happened too. The mortification made her want to bury her face into his shoulder and just will everything else away.

The sun felt like a spotlight focused directly on her, and there wasn't a cloud in sight to shield her from their view.

She could feel something rumbling in his chest as his eyes darted around the area.

"Are you doing okay?" Sango asked as she caught up to them; she was holding a tote, presumably filled with bath supplies from her backpack. She glanced up to Inuyasha, who hadn't said anything to her since they'd left the hospice.

"I'm okay," she said quietly.

"It's not too much farther now. We'll be there in a moment." Sango smiled and looked straight ahead. Kagome followed her gaze and noticed Miroku outside one building as he spoke with a woman. She was young, but when she glanced their way, a look passed over her face, and she turned back to Miroku, bowed, and disappeared around the corner. Miroku met them at the door.

"Is there a problem?" Sango asked and Miroku shook his head.

"Ah, no, no problem at all. That was Yuki. She prepared the bath for our dear Kagome." He looked at her and smiled, staff leaning against his shoulder. "It's a relief to see you awake. We've all been praying for your recovery." He looked to Sango. "It's ready whenever you are. I'll wait outside for you both with Inuyasha."

"Thanks, Miroku," she said, and Kagome noticed that she put her hand on his forearm for just a moment, thumb caressing his wrist guard.

He stepped aside and pushed the door open for them to enter. Inuyasha stepped beyond the threshold, and Kagome looked around at the small bathhouse. The door shut behind them, making Kagome jump at the noise. There was a small bench against the wall, and Inuyasha lowered her down onto it.

"We good?" He asked Sango, taking a step away from her. Sango grabbed his wrist and said something softly to him. His ears lowered, and his eyes darted to her figure on the bench before grunting a response and leaving. He slammed the door behind him, and Kagome winced.

"Okay, water feels really good, so let's get cleaned up." Kagome noticed the bath for the first time. It was a low wooden trough with a small cauldron of water heated next to it. Thankfully, it looked as though it wouldn't be too hard for her to climb into or out of. There were a handful of other smaller baths around the room, but this was the only one filled with water. "I thought we could bathe together. Is that okay?"

"Yeah," Kagome answered quietly. Sango helped her strip and move the couple of steps into the water. She hissed as the warm water sank into her wounds and bruises. The water came up to the underside of her breasts, and, for the first time, she saw the disaster that was her body. Dark bruises marred every single inch of her skin, and she knew that the bandages were hiding the areas that would probably scar. It was only right to have some physical reminder of what had happened.

"Hey," Sango said, climbing in after her. "Wow, this is warm. They weren't kidding. Feels good, right?" She smiled, and Kagome stared at her for a moment before looking away. "Do you want to start with your hair? We can wash it as many times as you like."

"Okay," Kagome said and Sango grabbed a bucket filling it and dumping it over her head, soaking her hair. She moved behind Kagome and gently unwrapped the bandage around her head, dropping it to the ground beside them. She gently began lathering Kagome's hair, rinsed it, and lathered it up again. She swirled in a couple buckets of hot water to keep the temperature constant. She rinsed Kagome's hair twice, just to make sure that she got all the soap out.

"How does that feel?" Sango asked and Kagome brought a hand up to her temple. She remembered seeing him hold the rock and bashing it against her head. She'd honestly prayed that that would be it, that she wouldn't wake up. But here she was, alive. Yay. "Hey, do you want to talk about any of it? We can talk here. No one's listening."

Kagome glanced over at the doorway where she was pretty sure Inuyasha was waiting to haul her back to the hospice so he could be free of her once more. She was a burden to him now. Nothing more, nothing less.

"He can't hear us. Miroku said that he'd put up some barriers to keep it quiet for us. Just us. Girl talk only." She started the process of removing bandages on her thigh and setting them in a pile outside the tub. "We found out that you were taken by a hawk youkai. What happened there?"

"I purified him." She answered after a moment's hesitation. "He said he was going to eat me, and I just—" she swallowed, "we were really high up, and I just fell."

"You purified him? With what? We found your bow and arrows at the river."

"My hands." Sango stopped unwrapping her shoulder.

"You purified a youkai with just your hands?" Kagome nodded. "Kagome, that's amazing! You've never done anything like that before!" She started working on her shoulder again. "Then what happened?"

"I fell through a tree." She hissed as the last piece pulled a little on the scab.

"Sorry, it's done though. Though this actually looks much better than it did a few days ago."

"That's where he grabbed me."

"The hawk youkai?" Kagome nodded. "We found where you fell, and we followed you to the river."

Kagome shuddered visibly, and Sango added another bucket of hot water to the bath.

"Do you know?" She whispered as Sango gently rubbed soap up her arms with a damp cloth. "What happened?"

There was a brief pause in Sango's movements, but she continued as she spoke.

"Yes, I was there when the healer saw. I was helping him."

Kagome grabbed her wrist with what little strength and dexterity she had left and stared at the water.

"Do they know?"

There was a long pause, and Kagome's stomach dropped. Sango was thinking of the best way to answer, which meant that it wasn't good or it was upsetting to the least.

"Yes, the healer told Miroku, and I'm sure Inuyasha overheard."

Oh.

It really made sense now, didn't it? Why he hadn't been to see her. Why he didn't want to touch her.

"Kagome, you okay?"

Her chest constricted, and she nodded trying her best to not cry. She would not cry. It wasn't as if she'd lost something valuable, something that she'd cherished. It wasn't as if she'd really lost anything at all, right? He wasn't hers.

Sure, she'd been brutalized and raped for what? Days? But what was she really upset about? Inuyasha. And he didn't even care.

She let out a half-laugh, half-sob, hiccuping, covering her mouth and nose with her hand, straining to control herself and her emotions. The air was thinning, the heat becoming staunchly suffocating, and her lungs refused to let enough air in to stop the burning. Sango grabbed her face in both of her wet hands, thumb brushing under her nose. She was speaking, but there was no sound coming out. Kagome grabbed the sides of the tub, trying to force her body to just work for one moment.

Just one moment, that's all she needed. Just one.

Sango spoke quickly but softly.

"It's okay. I'm here. I'm so sorry, Kagome. So sorry."

"Sango?" Miroku's voice carried through the door. "Is everything alright? Do you or Kagome need anything?"

Kagome shook her head, emphasizing the unspoken word. Please.

She licked her lips and turned towards the door. "We're fine, Miroku." The relief was a tangible thing, fear and concern seeping out of Kagome's shoulders as Sango spoke. "You're okay now?" Sango whispered and she nodded. She wasn't, but Sango didn't need to know that. No one else needed to know that.

She'd lost him. Not that she'd ever had him to begin with, but she'd lost him completely now, and if that wasn't a punch to the gut . . .

It wasn't even her fault! It wasn't like she asked for any of this! He had to know that she at least tried. He had to know!

Sango smoothed her hair, pushing a section behind her shoulder.

"You know that I won't let anything happen to you." She shifted to continue cleaning her with the soap and rag, mindful of the wounds that had softened in the bath water.

"I know," Kagome answered, voice small and weak. "It's just—" She scrunched her face slightly trying to think of a better way to say what she wanted. 'It's just been a lot' seemed so—shallow. "How bad was it?"

Sango blinked, clearly unsure of how to answer.

"How long was I asleep?"

"Almost four days." Kagome's eyes widened slightly with the answer as Sango drags the rag across her chest, shifting around her to wash her back. Sango cleared her throat several times. "We searched for you for days. We were so worried." For a moment, she felt bad for making them worry, but the sight of the bruises and open wounds that would probably scar, leaving physical reminders of her ordeal, only reinforced that they had every right to. Who was she to think that she could protect herself or anyone else for that matter? Sango shifted back in front of her. "I thought that we'd lost you, but you came back to us after all." Sango gently reached out and squeezed her hand. "I'm here for you. Whenever you're ready to talk, whatever you need to talk about, whatever you need, I'm here for you." Kagome nodded, giving her a slight and small smile. Sango wipes her face with a wet hand and stands. "Let's get you dried off and into some better clothes!" Sango dried herself off quickly and dressed just as fast before digging into the backpack for a change of clothes for her. She pulled out a pair of pajamas, opting for a pair of sleep shorts rather than full pants. Kagome didn't know how she felt about that.

Hauling her out of the bath, Sango set her on the bench and quickly dried her off and helped her dress. She toweled Kagome's hair gently, pressing it gingerly around the wound on her temple before working her way down the length. Kagome didn't know how to ask about something more conservative in terms of dress. She felt like she'd shown off enough of her legs lately, and it hadn't warranted the attention that she wanted. She shivered at the reminder.

"Cold?" Sango asked and deftly wrapped one of her packed blankets around her shoulders. "Better?" Pulling it tight around her, Kagome nodded. "Okay, I'll go get Inuyasha so we can get you back to bed." She hesitated before heading to the door and sliding it open. Inuyasha must've been waiting because he pushed the door open the rest of the way, walking inside.

"Is she cold?" He asks, quietly but loud enough to be overheard. She tightens her grip on the blanket so that her knuckles turn white and stares purposefully at the floor.

"We'll get her under some blankets in the room," Sango replied equally quiet.

He moved much slower than she's used to, but he maintained that distance between her body and his own. For a moment, when he knelt to pick her up, her eyes darted to his, and she almost swore that he looked at her the same way he did before—before everything else. But his eyes broke contact first, and he said nothing the entire trip back to the hospice. Miroku and Sango moved ahead of them, the space between them widening as they hurried back.

She wanted to ask him all sorts of things, but her voice failed her. Her fear swarmed around her, strangling her voice in desperation that if she never found out then it wouldn't be real. He wouldn't hate her for what happened, even though it was wrong to blame her.

And then there was the age old question: WWKD? What would Kikyo do? The answers are limitless. Defended herself, not fallen off a cliff, not been useless, not been in—what sounded an awful lot like—a coma for several days, and so on and so forth. She didn't really know what Kikyo would do in this situation because Kikyo would never have been in this situation.

And even if she was, if this terrible, terrible thing happened to her, he would probably forgive her for it.

And maybe, that's what hurt the worst.

He'd be able to forgive her.

He'd still be capable of loving her.

He'd still be her friend.

She'd lost him. Really, honestly, truly lost him forever. He set her down in the fresh blankets on the floor, and she bit back the urge to reach for him, encourage him to stay with her. She was afraid without him here, had been for days.

But another man appeared as he stood up, away from her, and she felt Sango's warm hand rest on her shoulders.

"Kagome, this is the healer I told you about. He's just going to check the wounds and bandage up the ones that need it."

Kagome gave a slight nod, and the man entered.

"I'm going to go hunt. Can't stand the smell of those herbs anyway." Inuyasha turned away but glanced at Miroku.

"I'll be here should you need anything," Miroku said to them, disappearing on the other side of the wall.

"Priestess, it's good to see you awake and alert." He smiled, setting a small basket down beside him. "How about a look at the one on your temple?"

She flinched as his hands reached for her, and he paused for just a moment before Sango lightly rubbed her arms through the blanket.

"I'm here, remember? Nothing bad will happen."

Kagome tried to relax her body, but it refused. The closeness of someone unfamiliar made her nervous and tight, abusing muscles that were in no position to be used. She closed her eyes and grabbed the hand that rested on her shoulder. A familiar trill sounded from her right, and she found Kirara sitting next to her.

"Kirara!" The little cat climbed gently into her lap and nestled there; Kagome's free hand stroked the soft, downy fur, feeling the tense nervous energy slowly passing.

The healer, she was pretty sure no one had said his name yet, moved back towards her, checking the area, pressing gently in some parts before dipping his finger into a jar of salve and applying it to her skin before wrapping her head in bandages again. Sango maintained the presence at her back, helping hold or maneuver her where needed.

When he reached for her shoulder, she wrenched backwards away from his hands into Sango, and Kirara mewed loudly.

Tears streamed down her cheeks and she curled away from him.

"I need to see your shoulder," he said, shoving the blanket aside.

The moment Kagome yelped, Kirara was the one who acted first, snarling and hissing at him, Sango covered her back up in the blanket, pulling Kagome's body back against her own, immediately wrapping her arms around her shoulders, one hand reaching up and gently rubbing the bruised cheek, shushing her as she broke into tears.

"I think it would be best if you left quickly," Miroku stated, the jingling of his staff almost echoing in the small room. "We can take it from here."

"She has no reason to be afraid! I have done nothing wrong to her!"

"And that may be, but you are still upsetting Kagome, and some of us are less tolerant than others as you might recall."

The healer snorted and stood, nudging the basket harshly out of the way with his foot. The jars clinked loudly against each other as the basket spun across the floor, making Kagome flinch again.

"Fine," he muttered. "She's your problem. Tell her inugami that."

Miroku made no response, watching him leave before letting out a small sigh.

"Are you alright, Kagome?" Miroku asked, kneeling down, well outside her personal bubble.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, still clutching onto Sango.

"Don't trouble yourself over it. He has little patience and kindness for someone in the profession." Miroku gave her a reassuring smile, but she noted that even he kept his distance.

"Kagome, we really need to bandage some of your wounds. Are you okay if I do it?" Sango asked. Kagome nodded, turning back to face Sango.

Miroku didn't travel far. He stood by the wall, holding his staff against his shoulder as Sango worked, wrapping her leg and wrists. She hadn't noticed before, but her wrists had begun to bleed through the scabs after the bath. The ropes had done a number on her skin. He stepped into the doorway with his back turned as Sango wrapped her shoulder, unbuttoning the shirt, and pushing it slightly off to give her access.

"How do you feel? Does anything hurt?" Kagome glanced through the doorway where Inuyasha had unceremoniously left her behind.

"Don't worry. He'll be back. After all, you're here." Sango smiled, and Kagome returned it at a fraction.

Her presence though, that seemed to be the problem.

A/N: I really struggled with this chapter because of Kagome's character and how I think she would react to such an event and then Inuyasha's subsequent reaction. And is it really Inuyasha if there's not some egregious misunderstanding that could be easily fixed if they just talked instead of just avoiding the topic? Also, a sincere thank you to everyone that has written me a message or a review! I really do enjoy getting them and hearing your feedback!