Chapter 20
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur
"One's friends are known in the hour of need"

"Silence is safe."
—The Woman in White

She alternated between sitting and lying down. Nothing felt comfortable, but small feet gently tapped on her arm. She turned her head, and Kirara mewed at her, drawing her attention to the figure in the doorway.

"Hey, sleepyhead," Sango said with a smile as she sank down beside Kagome. "I thought that since Kaede wants to change your bandages, we could go for a soak at the hot spring." Kagome scratched the little diamond on Kirara's forehead. "It would probably help relieve some of the sore muscles."

She was pretty stiff. And it was probably the reason she wasn't sleeping great either.

Well, let's blame the muscles on that one. No one needed to know about the nightmares.

"Kirara wouldn't mind taking us there," the little cat trilled, spinning in a circle, as if to emphasize this point, "so you don't have to worry about over-exerting yourself."

Kagome rubbed the fire cat's ears. "And I know that you've been dying for a bath."

Sango wasn't wrong. The more she thought about such concepts as bathing, soap, and hot springs, the more she really did want to go.

"You're sure it'll be safe?" She asked, and Sango flinched a little at the question.

"I'll be there. Kirara will be there. Do you—do you want me to get Inuyasha?"

"No!" Kagome yelled. "No, don't bother him. He's—I'm sure he's got other things to do."

"Kagome, I don't think he would mind—"

"No, you're right. I'll be safe with you two. It'll be fine. We don't have to bother him."

Sango frowned at her, but she stood to gather their things. Kirara pranced out the doorway.

"She's happy," Kagome commented as Sango reached down to help her stand. Kagome grabbed onto her hands, allowing Sango's strength to haul her up to her feet. It was getting easier, especially if she only put pressure on her good leg. The other still ached, but it too was healing up rather quickly.

"Of course, she is. She's been waiting for an opportunity to go flying. I'm excited too!"

Kagome felt a small smile break out across her face. For just a moment, it felt like everything was almost back to normal. Sango grinned back at her as they both walked out into the sunlight. For once, Kagome didn't feel the deep-seated, oppressive fear that everything would be ruined or that she wasn't safe.

Sango helped her onto Kirara's back, climbed on herself, and then flew off towards the hot springs. Kagome held onto Sango's waist as they flew the short distance. It was actually a decent ways away from the village, but between Kirara and Inuyasha, it was covered fairly quickly. Kirara landed, lowering herself down to the ground to allow Kagome the easiest dismount possible.

Sango steadied her as she wobbled slightly from her landing. Her leg wasn't quite ready to hold her weight yet, and Sango made sure that she didn't fall.

Once steady, Kagome started divesting herself of her clothing.

"Kaede said to leave the bandages on, and she'll change them when we get back," Sango mentioned, draping her clothes over a nearby rock.

Kagome was slower. More methodical in her movements. More purposeful because it hurt otherwise, and she was really ready to stop hurting at every little thing.

"You seem to move a little easier now," Sango commented as she moved to grab Kagome's elbow to help her into the steaming water.

The hot water scalded her wounds, making her wince as she settled in onto a rock that allowed her to keep her head above the water. She leaned her head to the side and felt the muscles shift and her neck crackle wonderfully. Already that provided an extensive amount of relief as she crackled her neck on the opposite side. Sango had climbed in after her and settled in across from her, letting out a small sigh of relief as the tightness in her shoulders gave way.

"That sounded like you should feel better," she mumbled as she leaned her head back slightly.

"Ugh. That was amazing. It would be great if I could do it all over."

Sango hummed in agreement. Eyes closed as she sat in the steaming water. Kagome grabbed her washcloth and some soap, scrubbing at her skin. She might have bathed before, but it was different from being able to wash herself. Mindful of her injuries, she scrubbed until her skin was pink, and it was a relief. It was impossible to tell if she'd ever feel completely clean ever again; in some ways, she still felt — well, what was important was that she felt cleaner than she had.

"How bad is your pain?" Sango shifted, facing her directly, as she stood up to help her wash her hair.

"It's okay," Kagome said, eyes drifting away from Sango's. "It's not so bad right now."

"And before?"

"I think I was just stiff. I'm sure that it'll be better now." She gave a weak smile, and she knew it. Sango knew her well enough to know the difference. But Kagome sincerely hoped that Sango would just let it go. Sango gave the cue that she was rinsing Kagome's hair, and she shut her eyes against the torrent of water that sloshed over her head, the dirt and soap stirring into the steaming water around her.

"How have you been sleeping?"

"Fine," she answered. "Sometimes its hard to find a comfortable position."

They lapsed into silence, and Kagome stared into the trees. Kirara lounged beside them, ears flicking as she kept watch.

She turned her head towards a section of the trees, listening intently before turning away.

"Do you," Sango paused and Kagome turned back to her, "want to talk about what happened?"

"No," she whispered, staring at the water. Her answer was short and she knew it.

She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to relive it, any of it. It was in the past. That's where it should stay.

What good would it do to talk about it at all?

"Kagome," she chided. "It's just the two of us. You know you can talk to me. I won't—I won't tell anyone else, I swear."

"I know," Kagome whispered in return. "I know that. It's just—"

How could she describe it?

Like everything she'd known had been torn to shreds?

The one person she'd wanted to see more than anyone else wanted nothing to do with her now?

That, maybe, Kikyo was right all along? Maybe she was just a silly little girl who would ultimately amount to nothing.

"Kagome, I just want to help," Sango started. "I want to help you, but I don't know what to do." Kagome glanced up at her, fingers fidgeting under the water; they didn't even disturb the surface. "I don't want to make things worse."

"Don't worry. You can't," Kagome said. It was meant to be reassuring, but she watched Sango's face turn into a grimace in the water's surface. That wasn't what she'd meant, well not how she meant it.

Kagome opened her mouth to speak, but she paused for just a moment, hesitating.

"Are you angry at me?" Sango finally asked and this time Kagome jerked her head up to face her.

"What? No! Why would I be mad?"

"Because—what happened—we should've—" Her breath hitched. "We should've found you sooner. If we had, then you wouldn't have been—" Sango swallowed. She wiped her face and looked off to the side at the rocks surrounding the pool.

"I don't blame you," Kagome said. "I could never blame you. I know you tried."

"You have no idea." Sango let out a miserable laugh, wiping her eyes again.

"I don't blame you," Kagome reiterated. "I don't blame any of you."

"Then why won't you talk to me?"

Kagome's mouth opened to speak, but anything she had to say died in her breath, because she didn't know. She didn't want to talk about it, but telling Sango that just seemed—

Before, she could tell her anything and everything. And she thought that this would always be the case, the only absolute truth in existence. Sango was her friend, her best friend, but this was a secret, Kikyo's secret, that she had to keep.

In all honesty, when it was all boiled down and said and done, this was one secret that she'd already been keeping. So what was new?

"I—I don't know. It's—hard."

It really wasn't.

Kikyo wants me dead.

Sango edged closer to her in the water, moving to sit within arm's distance of her.

"I'm sorry," Kagome started.

I'm the one thing keeping her from living. Really living.

Sango sniffled, wiping her eyes.

"I just want you to feel better."

"I want to be better too," Kagome whispered.

I'm the reason Inuyasha can't be happy.

They sat in quiet.

Kirara lifted her head with a muted growl, staring off into the trees, ears flickering, but she laid her head back on the earth.

"Was it Naraku?" Sango asked quietly. Kagome turned to look at her.

"Naraku?"

"Did he take you in the woods?"

"No," Kagome whispered. "No, it wasn't him."

"Kagome, tell me," Sango grabbed her shoulders, "tell me, so I can go hurt someone for you!"

"Sango, you don't understand. Going after—them—is not going to make anything better. It's only going to make it worse." Sango shook her head. "You can't do anything. There's nothing to do."

"No! I'm not going to let this lie! I want to do this! Let me do this! Please!" Sango held her firm, even when she tried to turn away but not putting any pressure on her shoulder.

"Sango," she met her gaze with her own, "let it be. You don't understand."

"Then help me understand!"

"Don't you see?" Kagome whispered. "You can't. I can't explain it because you won't understand. And if I try, it's only going to make things worse. Trust me. Please, just trust me on this."

Sango turned away from her, and Kagome watched her still shoulders but marked the rise of her hand to her face.

"Stay for as long as you'd like," Sango commented. "I'm going to keep watch with Kirara."

"Sango," Kagome started, but Sango merely shook her head and climbed out to dry off and dress herself.

The water covered her shoulders as she sat, staring at Sango's now clothed back. She was dressed in her slayer gear, not her traditional outfit.

Sango didn't understand; she couldn't understand what it was like to stare in the face of your incarnation and find yourself falling so very short. And then to find out your very existence was the reason she couldn't come back and then to love someone who knew the vast chasm of talent and knowledge between them and judged her for it—Kagome sighed, leaning her head back to stare at the sky. She never expected to feel guilty for just wanting to live, to exist.

The spring itself was no longer that relaxing.

How did she manage to screw everything up so badly?

Sango's back was still facing her; she wanted out of the warm water, but asking for help seemed like poor taste at the moment.

Pushing herself up, the water gave her buoyancy enough that standing wasn't incredibly painful or difficult. Her spine crackled as she stood under her own power and nearly completely upright. Feeling her own bravado, she shifted her good leg onto the rock she'd been sitting on to help climb out on her own.

Her arms shook as she pulled herself up—or would have, if her arms hadn't collapsed from her own weight.

A yelp escaped her before she crashed, back first, into the steaming water.

Nails scraped her wrist as she was hauled up into the air, sputtering and gasping for air.

"Kagome!" Sango shouted, her other hand pushing her hair out of her eyes. Sango's face came into view as she coughed up the water, wincing at the sharp pain radiating across her chest. "Why didn't you say anything? Are you hurt? Did you hit anything?" She frantically scanned Kagome's body, looking for injuries, well, new ones at least. "Inuyasha is going to kill me," she muttered under her breath but loud enough to be heard.

Kagome shook her head, wiping her face with her free hand.

"Let's get you out of there."

She looped an arm around her neck and hauled her out of the bath only to wrap a towel around her while she patted her hair dry.

"You're sure you're not hurt?" Sango asked, gingerly pressing her fingers along Kagome's shoulders and neck.

"I didn't hurt myself, really."

"You're sure?" Sango asked again, and Kagome simply nodded.

"Good."

Sango still helped her dress back into some of her pajamas, draping a yukata over her clothes to prevent a chill from the wind.

"Come on, let's get you back to Kaede," Sango said, helping her back onto Kirara, who merely waited for her to settle across her back. Sango climbed on a moment later, holding onto her more tightly than before, and the large fire cat leapt into the sky heading back towards the village.

The ride was silent between the two of them. The only noise was the whoosh of Kirara's paws as she flew across the forest and meadows towards Kaede's hut.

She hated that quiet between them. She didn't want to talk about it because it would only cause more problems than it would solve.

Besides, how could she look at Sango, and explain how she felt?

How do you tell someone that waking up was one of the worst things that could happen?

How do you tell someone like Sango, who crawled out of her own grave, that you wished you'd died instead?

How do you tell someone like her that there's a moment each morning, right when the haze of sleep lifts and reality hits full force, that you regret being alive?

It was quiet when she landed and both Sango and Kirara made sure that Kagome dismounted safely. Kagome lurched inside the hut with Sango quick on her heels to steady her and keep her from face planting into Kaede's floor.

As soon as Kagome was settled on the bedding in the storage room, Sango brought the bandages and salves for her to use.

"Sango, perhaps ye should go and check on Miroku. I'm sure young Shippo is giving him some trouble today."

Sango's gaze flickered between Kaede and Kagome.

"You're sure that you don't need my help?" She asked, though her stare implied that the question was directed towards Kagome.

"I'm okay, Sango," she stated and Kaede nodded towards her. "I'm—" She stopped herself from finishing the statement. "I'm okay, really. Go check on Miroku and Shippo."

Sango rose to her feet, glancing between the two of them before walking out the door.

Kaede waited until the reed mat stopped moving before turning to Kagome and sorting through the basket on the floor.

"Alright dear. Let's take a look at the head wound first." Kagome shifted slightly to ease Kaede's reach, and she settled on her sleeping bag as she waited. Kaede parted her hair, gently, prodding at the bruised flesh. She winced as Kaede's fingers hit a sensitive spot.

"Sorry," she whispered as she pulled her hand away. "But it appears to be healing nicely. The bruising is not quite so severe as before. I would say a few more days and the stitching could be removed."

She applied the salve, gently, and wrapped the bandage around her head, making sure to keep her bangs free so that it didn't press the hair down into her eyes.

"It will make our hanyou friend very happy to hear such news," Kaede commented as she tied the bandage off and moved to Kagome's shoulder and arm. "How is your pain?"

"It's okay. Until I try to move. Then it hurts."

"Sango told me that ye purified a youkai with your hands." Kaede spread the salve across her shoulder and upper arm and began wrapping it as well. Once done, she pulled the shirt back up to cover the wound and herself. Kagome pulled it closed and held it for a moment.

"Yeah, I did. I didn't even know I could do that."

"I never doubted ye could."

Kagome gave her a faltering smile as she moved to her rib cage.

"How are these? Giving ye any fits?"

"They're—tender. I have to be in just the right position to get any sleep."

"Does it hurt to breathe deeply?"

"Yes," she answered as Kaede slid her hands along the bruised area and frowned.

"None of the ribs feel displaced or that they are healing wrong. However, they will hurt for a few weeks still."

"I thought so." She sighed and began buttoning the shirt back together.

Kaede pushed the sleeves up on each of her wrists, and checked the scabs now softened from her time in the water.

"These are healing up nicely as well. I will wrap them, but these should be fine in a couple of days." Kagome shifted her leg so that Kaede could see it better and maneuver the bandages easier.

"Alright dear, let's take a look at this one." She worked quietly poking and prodding along the wound and checking the stitches. "Tell me child, can you tell me where Inuyasha is?"

Kagome felt her heart skip a beat.

"I don't know," she answered. Kaede glanced up at her before turning her gaze back to the jar of salve that she held in her hand.

"Ye've always known where to find him before. Surely his youki is obvious enough."

Kagome met her gaze and then looked away.

"I haven't felt anything in a while," she whispered.

Kaede wrapped the bandage around her thigh slowly.

"And the jewel shards?"

"I—"

She knew. Kaede knew that she couldn't sense anything anymore.

She was just waiting on her to lie about it.

Kagome fisted her hands in the sleeping bag beneath her as she took a steadying breath to look Kaede in the eye.

Kaede sat, waiting for her to answer.

She would not cry about it. She would not.

The silence felt like a cattle prod into her brain, urging her to answer. She could lie, say that she felt them, give a blatant lie as an answer, point her finger in a vague answer. But Kaede already knew the answer, didn't she? She knew that Kagome had lost anything and everything that gave her worth and value in this time. She was no different than any other woman in this time period. She was nothing special anymore.

And that was all the reason for her not to stay, wasn't it?

Kaede didn't speak, didn't pressure her to answer, instead opting to let the quiet and the silence filter in and oppress everything in the room.

"I can't—I don't know where they are. I don't sense them anywhere."

Kaede let out a soft sigh.

"I think—" Kagome took a sharp breath to stop the tears that threatened her; the pain sharp in her chest. "I'm going to take a nap," she said.

Kaede gave a soft nod and stood, taking the basket with her.

"That would be good for you." She rested a hand on her shoulder, giving her a small smile. "I will let you rest."

Kagome watched her step out of the room before laying down on her side, ignoring the slight pain in her chest as she suppressed every sob that wanted to escape her. A quiet trill came from Kirara who nuzzled into her stomach before curling up against her. Kagome wrapped one arm around her, pulling her closer. She didn't seem to mind as Kagome pressed a wad of sheets against her mouth to muffle the sounds of her crying.

A/N: So yeah, it's my head cannon that Sango is totally the secret mom of the group. And is it bad that I'm excited about the next couple of chapters? (*hint hint* Kagome's time!)

So anyway, I hope you guys are doing well! See you guys next week, and remember, comments and kudos are love!