Chapter 21
Leve fit, quod bene fertur, onus
"The load is light, if you know how to support it"

"No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool."
—"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

Someone gently shook her shoulder, waking her from a finally peaceful sleep.

"It's time for dinner, Kagome," Sango whispered. She nodded, pushing herself up to a sitting position. She held her hands out for support, and Kagome took them.

One day, she wouldn't need help just climbing to her feet.

One day, she'd be normal Kagome again.

One day.

Sango quickly shifted her grip as Kagome's leg threatened to falter under her own weight, but she didn't lurch forward as much as she had yesterday. That was a good thing, right?

"You're getting stronger," she complimented.

Sango helped her out to the empty cushion in front of the fire, but her grip was mostly for balance. Kagome was shuffling under her own power, a heavy limp, but it was her own leg and her own muscles working to move her across the small space.

She couldn't sit normally though. Her leg refused to bend or move to sit underneath her, so she sat with them in front of her almost cross-legged, because putting them to the side put too much strain on her ribs.

Miroku and Inuyasha sat across the fire; however, Shippo eagerly, and happily, claimed the cushion next to her.

Sango sat between Kaede and Miroku, instead of by her like she usually did.

The fire pit suddenly felt like a dividing line. Like she was facing the firing squad at her own execution.

No, that wasn't right. They wouldn't—

Shippo pulled his cushion closer to her, sitting so that he touched her knee as Kaede handed them each a bowl, making sure that Kagome firmly held hers before letting go. A gentle hand on her head was all she got.

"Can I tell you what I did today, Kagome?" Shippo asked, tiny hands pressing against her knee.

She nodded, and the little kitsune brightened, chest puffing as he regaled her with all the stories he'd played out with the other village children. He beamed at being the sole source of her attention and entertainment. His tail flickered behind him as he enthusiastically reenacted his heroic tales with much arm waving and exaggerated facial expressions.

"I've been working really hard on a new trick. Can I show you it later?" His doe eyes bore down at her, begging, pleading for her to say yes.

"Only if Kagome is up for it," Kaede warned. "Remember she is still healing, Shippo."

Shippo quickly turned back her, eyes wide.

"I can show you tomorrow too, if you want. Maybe I'll be even better!" His tail flicked around him, eager and excited.

"That sounds nice, Shippo." His smiled broadened even more as his eyes brightened. He made a small noise of excitement.

She smiled, and he returned to his meal.

Kaede had made stew, but she couldn't bring herself to eat much. She felt—out of sorts. She was sure that it tasted fine, but to her it tasted like ash, making her stomach churn. Something was on the horizon; she could feel it, the hammers were cocking back, ready to fire the first volley.

It was quiet in the small hut, the clinking of their chopsticks against their bowls the only noise.

"Kagome," Sango started, clearing her throat. She hesitated before continuing. "We've all talked, and we thought that—well, we just want to help you feel better, and—" She glanced at Miroku who took her hand in his own, squeezing it, his fingers flexing against hers. She swallowed, clearing her throat again.

"We know that it's hard being here after everything that's happened," Miroku continued, eyes flickering over to Sango and Kaede.

We. We.

God, they all—She took a tremulous breath, her gaze drifting over each of them.

"We just want what's best for you," he continued.

We. No dissenters here.

Inuyasha just stared at the floor in front of him. He couldn't even look at her. Did they force him to be here?

"And we think it would be best if you went back to your time."

Ah, so there it was.

She knew it was coming; it had all been leading here, to this point, but it still felt like a slap to the face to hear it. In some ways, it would've been better if they just dragged her out and tossed her in the well. Rip the band-aid off in one singular go.

Instead of whatever this was.

"Kagome," Kaede started, and Kagome had to force the bite of food in her mouth down her throat, where it sat like a stone in her stomach, an uncomfortable weight that only rolled around inside her, pulling her further and further under the surface. Kagome pushed all the rampaging thoughts and emotions behind her, pushing it down, down, down, until she could look at Kaede with what she hoped was an impassive look.

"We thought we would take you back in the morning after Kaede checks your wounds. Inuyasha said he would carry you through the well," Sango continued explaining, and her words almost echoed in the quiet hut.

She glanced to Inuyasha, who had finished his meal but stared into the fire instead of looking at her directly. He was sending her away again, and he couldn't even give her the common decency to look her in the face. Hadn't he promised not to do that again? Didn't he swear that he wouldn't force her back down the well? Hadn't she been forced to do enough already?

Kikyo was right. He really hated her that much now. Why couldn't she just be wrong once in her life? Why did Kikyo always have to be right?

She set her bowl down, fingers trembling. It clattered against the wood floor just loud enough for everyone to hear; she was sure of it. She ducked her head so she couldn't see their faces, willing herself not to cry, because she knew that he could smell it, and she was not about to give him the satisfaction.

"Kagome?" Shippo asked, leaning against her thigh. One of his hands pressed directly against the wound on her thigh, and she felt the deep, painful throb, hissing at the sudden sharp pain, even though Shippo removed his hands almost immediately. "Sorry!"

A low, deep growl filled the room, and Shippo let out a keening whine.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it!"

A short 'oof' and the growl ceased as Miroku hissed, "Stop it!"

"It's okay, Shippo," she told him, letting her fingers run through his hair. He rubbed his head against her hand, whining still. "I know you didn't mean it." He nodded, large tears wobbling in his eyes as he wiped them away.

She put her hands down on the floor in front of her.

"I'm going to go lie down. I'm—" she swallowed down the bile in her throat and the tears in her eyes. "I'm really tired all of a sudden."

"Let me—" Sango said, starting to rise.

"No, it's fine. Eat your dinner," Kagome interrupted, using all her effort to push herself to her own feet. Show them that she could do it on her own. She was capable of being a normal human being, even if she didn't have her powers anymore. She could do it. She would do it. She'd show them.

It took a lot more effort than it should have, but she made it to her feet under her own power, and walked to the storage room. Her leg wobbled under her as she'd tried to stand, and she knew that Sango was a millisecond away from leaping across the fire to help, but she'd done it. On her own. Now, she stared at her bedding spread out on the floor.

Using a shelf, she lowered herself, flopping to her side, curling up into the blankets. Shippo appeared a few minutes later, approaching her slowly.

"Kagome?" He asked, and she looked up at him. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm really sorry."

Lifting the blanket, she held her arms open to him, and he quickly ducked underneath, curling against her as he nestled himself under her chin.

"Me too, Shippo," she whispered, nuzzling her nose into his soft hair, breathing in the scent of his fur, ingraining it into her mind to remember always, taking solace in the one person who wanted her to stay.

The next morning came too soon. Shippo was still curled against her under the blanket.

Sango was fastening the clasp on her backpack and glanced up when she heard the blankets shift.

"Good morning," she whispered with a small smile. "I thought I would see if you wanted breakfast."

"I'm not hungry," Kagome answered, not sitting up, refusing to disturb the still-sleeping kitsune next to her, who nuzzled against the column of her throat.

Sango frowned at her answer.

"You haven't been eating very much though," Sango said, shifting to face her directly.

"I'm going home. It's not like I won't be able to eat when I get there."

Because really, did she care? Weren't they sending her away forever in just a few minutes? Why would she ask if she wanted to delay her departure? Make it last those few agonizing minutes longer?

Sango just stared at her.

"I'm fine," she answered, averting her own gaze back to the wall.

"Kagome?" Shippo mumbled, sitting up and wiping his eyes. He yawned and then sniffed the air loudly. "It's breakfast!" He jumped up and darted into the main room.

He popped his head back inside the doorway a moment later.

"Are you coming, Kagome?" He asked. "It smells really good!" He glanced over his shoulder. "Kaede is making eggs! Come on!"

He darted back out of sight, and Kagome resigned herself to her fate. She could do this one thing for him.

Did he realize that she was even leaving?

Sango grabbed her arm and helped pull her to her feet. She could do this.

Kaede changed her bandages and helped her change her clothes. Kagome gave her back the borrowed yukata, which she took without question or comment.

And then—then there was no more stalling. Sango pulled her to her feet, helping her out to the doorway, where Kirara waited, fully transformed. She laid in the grass, her posture relaxed as her ears flickered. She turned her head towards them, a low purr rumbling through her chest.

Of course, they wouldn't make her walk the whole way.

Both Sango and Miroku helped her onto Kirara's back, making sure she was stable before moving away. Miroku shouldered her pack, and Shippo leapt behind her to ride on Kirara.

This was it.

She felt like a prisoner walking towards her own destruction.

"Are you alright, Kagome?" Miroku asked.

She nodded, fisting her hands into Kirara's fur to keep her steady as Kirara stood carefully.

Glancing back at the hut, Kaede stood in the doorway, watching them.

"Be good, child," she called, turning around and heading back inside.

That was it? Just a 'be good' and nothing more? She'd expected so much more from Kaede at least. She didn't even call her Kagome! It was like she wasn't even a person.

Refocusing on the road in front of her, Kagome willed back her tears.

Sango walked beside her as they headed to the well.

Inuyasha wasn't with them. He wasn't anywhere that she could see either. Couldn't he just pretend that she didn't disgust him for five minutes? Was that too much to ask?

Apparently.

The walk to the well was silent. It was also much shorter than she remembered. They arrived much quicker than she wanted. Miroku set her bag on the ground and then reached his arms up to her to help her down. Both he and Sango helped her dismount from Kirara and made sure that she could stand on her own before letting go. Inuyasha stood next to the well, arms crossed, his glare off into the woods.

Kagome looked at him, noting the stiffness of his posture. He didn't want to be part of this at all. He was just the only other one who could travel to her time. Sango and Miroku must've convinced him to do this for them, because it wasn't for her. Not really.

He glanced up at her, eyes boring into her soul before darting away and staring at the ground.

Miroku moved past her to give Inuyasha her bag. He slung it over his shoulder with practiced ease, like it weighed literally nothing to him.

Sango pulled her into a hug, wrapping her arms around her shoulders.

"You'll be safe?" She asked. "Promise me that you'll be safe. And careful." Sango reached up, pushing a piece of her hair behind her ear. Her fingers lingered on her cheek, and Sango gave her a smile, though Kagome could tell that it didn't quite meet her eyes like it usually did. "I'm going to miss you so much."

Miroku came back to them, and he flashed her a smile.

"Go home. We'll be here." He rested a hand on her healthy shoulder. "Spend some time with your family. Take care, Kagome." He squeezed her shoulder before withdrawing his hand, eyes glancing up beyond her.

How was it so easy for them to send her away like this?

"Kagome?" Shippo asked, and she turned her head to look at him as he sat on Kirara's rump. "I'm going to miss you!" He sniffled, and she picked him up, holding him close.

"It'll be okay, Shippo," she murmured as she rubbed her non-bruised cheek against his.

"It's not fair!"

No, no it wasn't, but another glance at Sango revealed she was wiping her own eyes with the tips of her fingers.

"I know," she murmured to him.

"You just got back and now you're leaving!" He gripped the front of her shirt tightly.

"Shippo—" Miroku sighed. It wasn't a rebuke or a reprimand, but just the soft sigh of his name as an understanding. "You're only making this harder—"

"I don't care!" He shouted and this time a scoff came from behind her.

"Grow up, runt."

She turned to look at Inuyasha, who was now leaned back against the side of the well as he stared off to the side, still refusing to look at her.

She sighed.

"Behave for Sango and Kaede, okay? Do what they ask."

He was so small, wasn't he? He was younger than Souta, and smaller, and he needed them to survive. He was dependent on them.

She'd never see him grow up, would she? Never see him past this point in his life. The thought almost choked a sob out of her. How long did kitsune youkai live anyway?

He nodded, letting out his own small sob as he nodded against her.

"Can we just go already?" Inuyasha huffed.

He really couldn't just let her have these five minutes, could he?

She moved away from them, taking a step back towards the well.

"Kagome, let's go," Inuyasha said gruffly behind her. She turned to look at him, noting that he'd pushed away from the well, though his arms were still crossed in front of him. He walked over and stood slightly behind her. He placed an arm at her back and leaned down, deftly sweeping her legs from underneath her. He held her firmly, turning away from the others and heading straight for the well. She looked over his shoulder at Sango and Miroku.

Miroku held Shippo in one arm and had the other wrapped around Sango's shoulder. She'd turned into him and his arm pulled her close.

She always knew that those two would wind up together.

Shame that she'd never see the fruition of it.

But they deserved happiness regardless of whether or not she was there to see it.

Inuyasha stepped up to the edge of the well, and she watched as Miroku spoke something into Sango's ear, and she caught sight of Inuyasha's grimace before he jumped into the well and into the time slip.

The blue light enveloped them, and he landed gently on the soft ground of the well. The roof over their head made the inside of the well seem even darker than normal.

He shifted his grip, crouched a bit and leapt straight up to the edge of the well. He stepped down and went to the door, shifting his hold on her and pulling the door open. His eyes scanned the courtyard, and she watched his ears swivel around before he stepped out.

"It's empty. No one's here," he said and marched out into the sunlight, unafraid of whatever might be lurking in the corners. The shrine wasn't busy in the morning, but she knew there were at least some who came in the earlier hours to pray or give thanks on their way to work. Some were just elderly and liked to go when it was the least likely to be crowded. Grandpa never minded it.

But there was literally no one here.

Inuyasha stopped in front of the back door and tried the handle. It didn't give.

"It's locked," she said, and he growled. Of course he didn't want to spend any more time than necessary with her. That made complete sense. "I have a key in my bag. Put me down."

He hesitated before lowering her legs to the ground slowly, and he at least made sure she had her balance before he let go. He flipped the bag from his shoulder, and she waited for him to drop it on the ground, but he didn't. Instead, he held it up, waiting for her to rummage through and retrieve her key.

She had it clipped to a small strap in her bag. She'd attached it to a fake Shikon jewel; it had been funny at the time, but now—

She zipped the pocket up, turning away from him to unlock the door. It swung open easily and without issue, not that she'd been expecting any, but at the rate her life was currently going, she wouldn't put it past fate, coincidence, karma, whatever was currently punishing her to make such a common thing problematic.

He followed her as she hobbled inside, moving with a heavy limp.

"No one's here," he commented. It was quiet.

"They must've had an appointment," she said. She'd long since given up trying to mesh her family's schedule with her own in the Feudal Era. Sure, she made note of the important things, like big holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays, but there was no use in trying to remember who had a doctor's appointment when, unless it was her own. And even then, she sometimes missed those too.

She winced at the thought of her next check up. And the questions that would follow.

A piece of folded paper on the counter caught her eye, and she snatched it as Inuyasha set her bag on a nearby chair.

It was her mother's handwriting and dated, a quick glance at the calendar on the fridge stated that it was today's date. Her mother had started crossing out the days on a calendar to help her when she returned. Or like now, if Kagome arrived and no one was home, and she had absolutely no idea what day it was.

It was a Tuesday, for whatever that was worth.

Kagome—
If you happen to come home before us, your grandfather and I have left to visit his friends at other shrines. Souta will be staying with a friend while school is out on holiday. I've left some money in an envelope for you. We will return Saturday afternoon. I love you!
—Mom

Five days. That wasn't so bad. It would give her—time to deal with this. And school was out, so she didn't have to worry about being seen.

"What does it say?" Inuyasha asked, and she quickly folded it up and put it back on the counter.

"Oh, they just went out for some errands. They'll be back."

"When?" He asked.

"Soon."

He grunted in acknowledgment and seemed to be looking at everything except for her. His arms were crossed again, and he was scowling worse than usual. He wasn't moving, but he wasn't making himself comfortable like he usually did either. He usually sat at the table or marched up to her room, but now he just looked like he was making the best out of a terrible situation. Almost like he was trying to be polite.

The sad part was that this was the most attention she'd gotten from him in the past couple of weeks. But he looked miserable standing in the middle of her kitchen, so she did the only humane thing she could think of.

"You don't have to stay. I'll be fine until they get back."

She let him go.

His eyes cut to her, glaring at her for a hard few seconds, before his arms dropped, and he marched over to the door and opened it.

"Bar the door," he ordered, taking a step back, outside the house, so that she could lock the door behind him. She hobbled to the door, holding the handle as she looked up at him.

She had so many questions that she wanted to ask. So many things that she needed answers for. Why did he hate her? Would he ever come back? She wanted to tell him about Kikyo, all of it, but her voice stuck. What would be the point? It wasn't like she could get him back, not that she had him in the first place, or make him stay, all she would do would be to drive a wedge further between them. It would only make her seem bitter and angry, resentful. Just like her, and Kagome wasn't going to stoop so low.

She could only nod before slowly closing the door, turning the deadbolt until it slid into place. She moved quickly to the window, looking out across the courtyard, but the door to the well house was already closed.

He really—wow. He really didn't want to be here at all. She knew that, but still. That hurt a little more than she was expecting.

She covered her mouth, feeling the sob welling up in her mouth and lungs, so she turned away from the window, hobbling over towards the couch, where she collapsed and cried until the pain in her ribs faded and all that was left was the pain of everything else.

Her eyes hurt, and she had a headache. The sun drifted through the windows, dancing across the floor. It only did that in the afternoon. She must've cried herself to sleep. She focused in on the sunlight filtering through the closed blinds, creating lines across the floor and table. She sat up, rubbing the crust from her eyes, blinking at the soreness in them.

The house was quiet, silent really, and she glanced around the room, taking it in.

This was her life now—again.

She would just have to get used to it. That's all. She'd survive. She'd been through worse, right?

She needed to do something—keep her mind occupied so she didn't dwell on things. Her eyes landed on her yellow bag, resting in the chair where Inuyasha had dropped it.

Laundry, she could do laundry.

She stood, hobbled over to her bag and began pulling out her clothes before deciding it was just easier to drag the thing over to the machine. Almost everything she owned had blood on it, so she would have to spot treat it all.

But she literally had to drag her backpack to the machine, there was no way for her to pick it up and carry it like she normally did. Dragging it across the floor, she reached the washing machine and began throwing in all her clothes. A few were spotted heavily with blood, her own this time, and she spent what felt like hours scrubbing at the stains. Some came out and the others—she threw everything into the wash anyway.

The machine started, and she sighed.

Sango had told her that they'd destroyed her clothes after they found her. She said they were too far gone to be saved, and they'd burned them rather than even use them for rags or bandages. That was okay with her. She really didn't want to see them again anyway.

She should put her bag away. It wasn't like she needed it anytime soon. And the bright color just made her cringe.

Towing her bag out to the stairs, she stopped in front of them and stared.

Jerk.

He could've at least taken her bag to her room. He knew that she couldn't walk well, much less drag a backpack up the stairs.

This was going to take forever.

She sat on the stairs, falling back against them, and then proceeded to crawl, dragging the bag up a step and then pulling herself. Repeating the process over and over again until she was over halfway up and had to take a break. Leaning back against the wall, she let herself rest, just for a moment because there was so much to do before her family returned and she had to be normal for them. Had to be.

She could do this.

If they didn't want her after all she'd been through, then she'd prove to them and to herself that she was worth something!

She was Kagome frickin' Higurashi — the girl who should be dead. She should have died—twice no less—but here she was. Alive.

She pressed on, dragging herself and her bag up to her room, collapsing in the middle of her floor as she tried to catch her breath. Her breathing hitching each time she took a breath that was too deep or hard.

She'd prove to all of them that she was worth something even if he didn't have her reiki anymore. And you know what, there were bound to be scrolls at all the other shrines and she could probably convince her grandfather to take her and let her read them. There was probably something about restoring her reiki in there. And then she'd show him—she'd show all them for sending her back, especially when she found her way through the well.

She would. She'd find her way back, just to show them that she was still worth her salt as a miko. Virginity or no.

Pushing herself up to a sitting position, she winced at the movement, but continued shifting until she could reach her bag. She unclasped the flap and all the effort she'd put into reinforcing herself—convincing herself that she could still be still worth something—faltered, fractured along the surface. Not enough to shatter completely, just enough that the surface was no longer perfect, no longer pretty.

The flap fell backwards and her medical kit stared back at her, smudged with bloody fingerprints, for once, not her own. She pulled it out, feeling the lightness of it. They'd wasted so many supplies on her. Why did they send this back? Why didn't they keep it there? They would need it more than she would. It wasn't like she was going to be attacked by a youkai out in the street, and band-aids were just a few steps away in this time.

Next was the bathing tote that Sango used. It was packed with the scents that were Sango's favorite; she'd made sure that she'd bought the right ones last time she visited her time.

Beneath that were the granola bars that were Miroku's favorite and a box of Pocky that she'd intended to give Shippo. And the cloth mice that Kirara never got. She'd earned those mice these past few weeks.

Why would they send all this back with her?

How could they still be so cruel even when they weren't here?

But the packet of ramen was the last straw and whatever strength Kagome had failed her, and she shoved everything back inside the bag, not caring how it went in and threw the damned thing into her closet, securely shoving her hamper over it, so she wouldn't have to look at it unless she wanted to.

And then she laid down on her very soft bed, and she cried until she felt like she wouldn't be able to cry anymore.

She'd weep all the tears she had for all of them, and then she would be through and done with it. She'd put it behind her and become Kagome, the normal every day teenager like she was supposed to be, like she pretended to be all this time.

She let go of him once, and she'd let go of him again and again until it didn't hurt anymore.

It was the only move that she had left.

Familiar faces leered over her, grabbing her roughly, jerking her arms over her head, and Kagome screamed in the dark of her own room. Clamping a hand over her mouth, she bolted out of her bedroom and into the bathroom, sliding across the tile floor and into the bathtub as she struggled to make sure whatever she vomited up wound up inside the toilet. Her leg burned and throbbed.

Pretty sure she was about as successful as she was on her last math test.

She whimpered as another volley made her throat and ribs burn as she upchucked bile into the water.

A round of dry heaves made her groan as each one felt like it was picking out individual ribs to push and prod.

Once she felt safe that her body couldn't possibly have anything else to retch up, she leaned back against the wall and tub, wiping her chin with the back of her hand, grimacing at the residue.

She'd made a mess, and that would need to be cleaned up. Sighing, she let her head rest on the cool porcelain of the tub, the cold soothing to the headache building in her temples.

It came as an epiphany. One of many she'd had since she started visiting the Feudal Era.

She understood him now. Naraku, that is.

The reason he left his victims alive rather than killing them outright.

Why leave Sango alive? Why let Miroku live with the generational Wind Tunnel? Why didn't he kill Inuyasha while he was pinned to the Goshinboku?

It would have been so easy for him.

His form of torture was simply letting them live, because you can't suffer if you're already dead.

And that really was the takeaway here, wasn't it?

Death really was so easy, wasn't it?

And she supposed, that was the point.

A/N: This was probably not the way that you guys thought this was going to go, so sorry (not sorry) about that. Just remember it's gotta get worse before it gets better. So Kagome's really bottoming out here, so she's only got one way to go from here.

Also, this fic was nominated for Best Dark at Feudal Connection! So, really, I give you a hearty thanks to whoever made the nomination. You guys are really amazing.

So anyway, I hope that you enjoyed it, and I'll see you next week!