Chapter 23
Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim
"Be patient and tough, this pain will serve you one day"

"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown."
—"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

This was all a very bad joke.

Kaede's store room stared back at her, and she willed the dream to end, because there was no way that she'd gotten back here on her own. And there was no one she knew that could cross the well that would want her here to begin with.

They'd all sent her away, right?

Why would they bring her back?

It was a very bad, very sad joke that just wasn't funny anymore. She brought her hands up to cover her face, keeping the view from her eyes. It was a dream that she desperately wanted to be true, but there's no way. There's just no way.

God, why did she keep waking up?

"I understand, but I am sure she will be fine once she wakes and has some food." Kaede's voice was firm but gentle. She was annoyed but understood the concern. She'd heard that tone so many times. "Do ye know the last time she ate?"

A low grumble was the response.

"Aye, I feared that may be the case. However, all of ye will need to be patient. She will need time to heal."

A mumble of voices rose in pitch and volume, all of them shouting and talking at once, making it impossible to understand any of them, and Kaede silenced them all.

"Enough!" She shouted and the din silenced immediately. "If any of ye persist, I will put up a barrier to prevent ye from entering the hut entirely."

A loud snarl reverberated against the walls of the hut, and Kagome tugged the blankets up higher, curling up on her side. She knew who it was; she'd recognize that sound anywhere.

"Ye do not frighten me," Kaede stated plainly. "Now, ye all have duties. I suggest ye go do them."

The mat shifted in her doorway, and Kagome flinched at the sound. She could hear Kaede moving things around in her hut, and briefly, Kagome felt guilty at taking up space in her storage room. Because that's all she was doing. Taking up space which could be used for better and more useful things now.

"Ah, there it is," Kaede murmured to herself and the sound of her footsteps grew louder as she approached.

A soft murmur and the sound of fabric rustling drifted over her, and she looked up to see Kaede standing in the doorway, hands on the jamb. She took her hands off, and Kagome's eyes drifted to the ofuda sticking to the walls. There was a sheet hanging up in the doorway blocking anyone's view of her.

"I am glad to see ye awake," Kaede said, moving to sit beside her. "I put up some ofuda at the doorways to keep out some—pests—from disturbing you." Kagome couldn't even look at her, the weight of shame averting her gaze to the floor and blankets underneath her.

Kaede settled down beside her, forcing Kagome to burrow deeper into the blankets to avoid her.

Why would he bring her back?

Hadn't she suffered enough?

"Kagome," Kaede stated, trying to garner her attention, but Kagome didn't want to look at her. She couldn't look at her.

They sent her away! They can't just send her off, and then bring her back like this and just pretend that nothing was wrong.

"Kagome, child," Kaede repeated, laying a hand on her shoulder. Kagome flinched under her touch, trying to draw away and towards it simultaneously. Kaede, to her credit, didn't move or acknowledge it. "How are ye feeling?"

"Fine," she mumbled.

Kaede let her fingers drift through Kagome's hair, or at least what was visible from the top of the blankets.

"Kagome, ye do not need to lie. It is alright to say that ye feel unwell." She waited a short beat before speaking again. "It does not do well to lie to the one healing ye, ye know. Only makes things more difficult." Another pause as if she were waiting for Kagome to respond.

She let out a small sigh.

"There will be much relief to know that ye are awake. Everyone has been quite worried. It has been quite tiresome keeping them quiet to let ye rest."

That couldn't be right.

It couldn't be.

Why would they care? They sent her away when she needed them most! They locked her away beyond the well where she couldn't get back if she tried! It had only happened once before, but she'd tried everything and nothing had worked or come close to letting her travel through the well.

It had to be Inuyasha, that was the only answer.

"Kagome, ye know I will not force ye to speak about anything that ye do not wish."

Kagome tried. She really tried to bury it all deep down where it couldn't be disturbed again. Throw sand and dirt on it and bury it at the bottom of the ocean where no one could ever reach it again, but it pushed back, refusing to smother itself, until a small sob escaped her.

"Ye will not have to see anyone if ye do not wish it. Even myself. If ye wish it, say so, and I will leave ye be." There was a long pause. "For a time at least."

Kagome felt the tears roll down her cheeks, and she simply pulled the blankets tighter around her to muffle the sound and smell of her crying.

Kaede ran her fingers through her hair, attempting to soothe her, but there was no soothing to be had.

"I—" She started, sniffling as Kaede stopped her motions. She swallowed thickly. "Can I stay? Just until I feel better?"

"Ye can stay as long as ye would like, ye need not ask for it. Ye know this," Kaede reminded her in an almost chiding manner, fingers resuming her motions.

Kagome let go of the blanket with one hand, fingers trembling as she reached up where Kaede's hand was rubbing her hair, and she grabbed her fingers tightly in her own. Kaede gripped her hand back, holding onto her, as if this was the only answer that she needed.

"There are ofuda and wards around this room. No one can enter without permission." She cleared her throat. "Your permission, Kagome."

At the mention of wards, Kagome closed her eyes and let out a stuttered breath through her tears.

There was nothing. No blips on the reiki radar. Just—just radio silence on all fronts.

How could she have let this happen? How could she have let her powers—the one thing that made her—that gave her equivalence here—how could she let them be taken from her?

Kaede never moved or shifted her grip the entire time she laid there.

She fell asleep at some point.

The only evidence of this was that she woke up.

Her eyes were gritty, and her neck ached from laying in one position for too long. There was the soft swish of the door mat, and Kagome blearily turned towards the noise.

The world felt light for once, not in the sense of brightness and sunshine, but the feelings that came with those things, like her spirit for once didn't feel the heavy burdens that came with merely existing.

"Hag." Inuyasha's voice carries through the window, though it's softer, quieter than his normal half-shout when he speaks.

"Dog," Kaede responded. Her tone was even, measured, not offended by the name calling.

"How is she? She's okay, right?" He stuttered over the words. "Has she eaten anything? Does she want anything? Has she even woken up yet?" It had to be a dream, because she hadn't heard him speak so much in what felt like forever. It sounded like he was concerned about her.

Dream.

It had to be.

"She's—" Kaede started, letting out a sigh. "Kagome did wake up for a period. She was—distraught, as was to be expected. I am fetching water for breakfast. Now, if ye will—"

"Does she need—" His voice lowered in volume significantly, and she had to focus hard to hear him. "Are there any herbs that will help? I would—I could get them for you. If there was something that would help. Maybe Jinenji—" Kagome imagined that his face is dusted with pink as he spoke. He was always embarrassed when someone caught him doing something kind. But he hasn't been kind. Not to her. Not for what feels like a very long time.

Definitely dreaming. Just a terrible dream that reminded her of everything that she was missing and would never have again.

She'd let him go because she was too afraid to lose him first.

"Inuyasha, there is nothing that will help her more than time itself."

"Is she—" Inuyasha started, but Kaede cut him off.

"Kagome has not given her consent for visitors yet."

She curled up tighter under the blankets.

Why did she feel like she was in the wrong? Why did it feel like she was the terrible one here?

"I haven't struck ye, dog. Don't look so beaten. It is unbecoming of ye," Kaede stated. "Kagome will come out when she is ready, but I will not betray her confidences."

He grumbled something that clearly made Kaede unhappy.

"Kagome has not agreed to see anyone," Kaede mentioned. "It is not limited to any specific person."

He made a noise, one that she didn't immediately recognize and Kaede sighed, louder this time.

"Perhaps fish then. In case she is hungry when she wakes?"

A shadow passed by the partially closed window. It's there and gone in half a heartbeat. If she'd blinked, she never would have seen him pass.

She missed him more than she thought possible.

Kaede returned a little later, setting a tray down on the floor in front of her, pieces of cooked fish in a small bowl.

Kagome said nothing as she left, letting the cloth fall behind her and leaving the room dark and miserable as when she first entered.

It's not entirely clear how long she's been in the room. Kaede promised that she could stay as long as she needed. 'Until she felt better' was a vague enough answer that allowed a significant amount of wiggle room. And to be frank, she didn't think that she could ever feel better than what she already did.

She hadn't spoken to anyone. Not even Kaede. She brought her food, and Kaede talked to her, but Kagome couldn't bring herself to say anything to her. What could she possibly say?

She wanted to apologize for all the efforts that Kaede put in attempting to train her. It was a waste of her time. She had nothing to offer any of them, well, nothing of merit.

How could she even look at any of them? To know what she once was, what she could have been, and what she's been reduced to.

Even in her own time, she was nothing special. In fact, she was less than. At this rate, she'd never get into a decent high school, much less university. She wouldn't even be able to take over the shrine at this rate.

Kikyo was right. She was a waste.

The mat shifted, and she buried herself into the blankets.

Kaede did not say a word, but instead opted to sit at the head of her borrowed futon. For the past few days—she assumed that it's only been a few, but she's not really sure how many exactly since she's spent it alternating between unconsciousness and blatant crying—the window has remained shut for the most part, blocking out the sunlight and snooping eyes.

She's slipped out during the night to use the bathroom. Inuyasha was nowhere in sight, not inside the hut or on the roof, and no one stirred when she left. She felt sure that he hadn't left, but it was impossible to tell anymore. There was no more searching his youki, finding him, judging his mood. It was just—quiet—but far from comforting.

But Kaede just sat there, as if she's waiting for Kagome to emerge, like a butterfly from its cocoon, whole, complete, better than before, but that's not happening.

Kagome is never going to be any of those things again.

She's fractured—at best—and it feels like she's just taking up space now, breathing up the oxygen that could be used for someone who actually has a purpose.

It's been another while, but Kagome finally relents when Kaede appears to sit with her one day. She felt pretty sure that it was morning, but these days it was hard to determine. Sunlight just means daytime to her now. She's brought food, again, but Kagome can't bring herself to eat it right now.

"Why am I even here?"

Kagome's voice cut through the quick of the near silent room. It's coarse and rough, and it cracked audible in the short question.

It stays silent for a little bit, and for a moment, her anger swells around her. She has a right to know why. Why she was brought back, why he can't even stand to be in her presence, why—just why?

Rage filled her.

It's all that she wants to do right now. She wants to grab things off the shelf, hurl them until all the stitches in her body snap like the threads they are. She's not in it for the pain, but she just wants to destroy something, even if that winds up being herself.

"You are here because we love ye," Kaede answers, voice even keeled as always.

And if that doesn't suck the wind right out of Kagome's sails.

No, she's supposed to be angry, remember? Rage is the answer.

"I can't feel anything. I don't even know where the shards are anymore. I'm not useful." Anger and violence will numb out everything else that hurts.

"Ye—" Kaede started but hesitates before continuing. "Ye are still very weak, child. It could be that your body is too injured to produce any reiki at the moment. It could prove detrimental to attempt to use them in your current state. Perhaps it is your body's way of protecting itself."

Kaede nudged the tray towards her, the sound of wood on wood almost echoing in the small space.

"We will worry about your reiki later. For now, the most important thing is for ye to gain strength and heal." Kaede stood. Her body crackling as she climbed to her feet.

Shuffling towards the door, Kagome listened to her pause. She's by the sheet still covering the door frame, blocking Kagome from the world outside her little small self-made prison.

"Reiki or no, it doesn't make any of us love ye any less."

The cloth shifted, and she's gone without another word.

She wanted to be angry. She did. She wanted it so badly, because that felt like purpose. That felt like it would give her strength. But she was so tired. She was tired, and she was hurt, and she was just done. But she couldn't even really muster that up any more. All she had left was just sheer and utter exhaustion. She really didn't have the energy to be angry.

A/N: "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T. S. Eliot is probably one of my absolute favorite poems. It's not an easy read, but when you break it down to its base message, it's just so relatable. There are so many beautiful lines in it, and if you have a chance, go read it.

The plan was to post two chapters today, but I don't think that's going to happen. I spent five hours setting up my classroom today, and it was SO HOT, and I am just not mentally prepared for this year. So you might get a chapter in a few days or you might get next Thursday. It'll be a surprise!

For those wondering, we've reached rock bottom, so we're on the upswing here.