Chapter 25
Consuetudinis magna vis est
"Old habits die hard."

"I never wanted to go away,
and the hard part now is the leaving you all.
I'm not afraid, but it seems as if
I should be homesick for you even in heaven."
—Little Women

She heard the sheet move, stifling the sob coming out of her. She squashed it down, swallowing it until it dissipated into nothingness.

Kaede sat down in front of her again. She waited a beat before talking, but Kagome avoided eye contact as much as she possibly could.

"Kagome," Kaede stated. "Look at me, child."

If she just ignored her, Kaede would leave. It worked every other time before. Kaede always left her alone when she didn't answer or tried to ignore her.

This time, however, was not like the others since Kaede ripped the blankets off Kagome, who only curled tighter into a ball to further hide herself, covering her face with her hands.

"I know that this behavior is not uncommon to young women who have experienced this sort of—trauma—however, ye need to make a choice. I cannot let this behavior continue, and aye, perhaps I have let it go too long."

Kagome looked up at her from between her fingers.

"Ye have a choice, Kagome."

Kagome flinched at the tone. It was one she hadn't heard in a while, but she recognized it well enough. More often than not, it was directed towards Inuyasha.

"This sadness ye have, I know it feels—cavernous, but there is a choice. Ye can choose to move on or let it destroy ye. But ye can not sit here and wallow. I won't allow it any longer. Your friends have suffered enough. Some more than others. But I will not allow them, or ye, to remain in this purgatory." Kaede rested her hand on her head, her fingers lightly scratching her scalp as she smoothed her hair. Kagome waited for her to leave so she could put it off and just 'wallow' as Kaede put it. "I will sit and wait with ye until ye decide what ye want."

Well, there went that plan.

Kagome clenched her eyes shut. She would have to deal with it now, even though she didn't want to.

But Kaede had asked the question Kagome was too afraid to ask herself.

What did she want?

She knew that if she stayed in this room, continued this path, it ultimately lead to one singular end. And at the bottom of it all, at the end of everything, did she really want to die? It would be easy. After all, it's what everyone she met seemed to want. Naraku, Kikyo, youkai in general, heck, most everyone they met, they all wanted her dead for various reasons. This was the easy option. She could do it herself if she really wanted; she knew how. She'd heard the rumors and knew enough basic biology that i t could be quick, fast, painless. She could do it here or in her own time. Either one would work.

She stared at the white fabric of the sheet underneath her, nails scratching against the weave.

But, moving on from this—that was the hard one. Sure, she could just give it all up and die, that might actually be for the best, and it would make Inuyasha happier what with Kikyo returning to the living and all that, but was that really what she wanted?

No.

Not really.

It was what everyone else wanted, but it wasn't what she wanted.

It was just easy.

She really didn't want to die. She wanted—she wanted her friends back. She wanted her powers back.

She would have to give it up to move on. The resentment, the anger, she would have to let it all go. If she didn't, would she even be able to purify the shards if she got her powers back?

Or would she just turn herself into another Kikyo?

Gritting her teeth and turning her face into the sheets, she groaned.

She knew what she had to do.

And it was going to suck. So, so badly.

Sighing to herself, Kagome let her hands fall away from her face, looking up at Kaede, who sat in front of her, waiting.

"Kaede?" She whispered, watching Kaede's face.

"Aye, child, I'm listening," she answered after a moment.

"Do you—" Kagome cleared her throat. "Do you think that Sango would go to the hot spring with me?" Her voice was rough and gravelly, and thick with phlegm.

"Aye, I believe so. Is there anyone else ye would like to see?"

Kagome shook her head.

"Not yet," she said, pushing herself up on her elbows.

"Aye, I will fetch Sango. Pack your things. I am sure ye will not have wait long."

Kaede rose and left the room, and Kagome pushed herself upright, reaching over to drag her backpack closer. She pulled the small bathing tote out of her bag and pushed the blankets away.

"Go and fetch Sango," Kaede said, speaking softly to someone in the other room.

Kagome gripped the handle of the tote, pushing herself up from her knees. She stumbled and staggered a bit and cursed herself for not getting up more. The bag was too heavy and throwing her off kilter, and she let it go. She finally got to her feet, hesitating in front of the doorway of her room.

"What is it? What's wrong with Kagome?" Sango shouted, panting and completely out of breath. "Is she okay?!"

"Would ye be willing to take Kagome to the hot springs?" Kaede asked, her voice much calmer and more collected than Sango's near panicked yelling.

Kagome's hand clutched the door frame as she waited for Sango's answer.

"What? Of course, I would! Why would you even have to ask?"

Kagome pushed the sheet aside and waited for a moment before stepping outside the barrier.

Sango spun towards her at the sound, and her eyes widened as she stared. Kagome shifted her weight from foot to foot a she dragged her gaze away from Sango's and to the floor.

"Kagome?" Sango voice made her glance up just for an instant, but Kagome caught the small smile on her face. It was always easy to tell Sango's smiles; she never smiled at all in the beginning, and each one always felt like progress.

"I—um," Kagome cleared her voice again. "I didn't know if you'd want to go or not."

Sango took a small step forward, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

"Always, anytime we can get away, right?"

Kagome looked back at the doorway.

"I can't lift the bag." She winced at the roughness of her voice still.

"It's okay. I can get it for you." Sango's hand gently rested on her shoulder, and Kagome finally met her gaze, eye to eye. Sango looked like she was so happy, and the guilt swarmed hard and fast.

Kaede pulled one of the ofuda from the edge of the doorway, and Sango looked past her.

"Sorry," Kagome mumbled, and Sango's hand squeezed her shoulder gently.

"It's no problem, really." Kagome took a step to the side and Sango slipped in to grab the tote. She moved so fluidly that Kagome tried to remember if she'd ever moved like that, because now it felt like her body didn't move the way she wanted it to; she felt clumsy and awkward. She wrapped her arm around Kagome's guiding her towards the door. "We'll take Kirara. She'll be so excited to go flying with us again." Kagome hesitated just outside the doorway, making Sango pause to turn and look at her.

"Do you—Is Inuyasha outside?" She whispered, clutching Sango's sleeve with her free hand.

"I didn't see him when I came in, but I can check." Kagome nodded and let go. "Do you want to talk to him?"

"No. Not right now, just—can you check?" Sango disappeared outside into the bright sunlight that momentarily blinded her, before slipping back inside the small hut.

"He's not outside. Do you still want to go?"

Kagome nodded, and Sango took her arm and guided her out into the sun for the first time in what felt like years. It almost felt like home. Kirara leapt in circles around their feet, trilling and mewing the entire time. She ran ahead a little bit and transformed in a flash of fire, stretching out on her stomach and letting out a low growl. Sango helped her climb on, and Kaede wandered out calling after them. Sango looked up at her for a moment before turning back to Kaede taking the bag she offered and nodding. She then leapt onto Kirara's back behind her, wrapping one arm around her waist, and then they were in the air. And for once, Kagome didn't contemplate throwing herself off to feel the fall one last time.

Kirara landed gently barely jostling her passengers. Sango helped her slide off Kirara's back, pulling her against herself when Kagome stumbled under her own weight. Once sure that Kagome was stabilized, she let go, hesitating to make sure that she didn't collapse.

When Sango started stripping off her clothes was when it suddenly felt real. She stared at her hands, the grime under her fingernails, the reddened skin of her wrists from her healing wounds. There's just so much to process.

"Kagome?" Sango asked, looking at her as she pulled off her shirt. "We don't have to do this if you're not ready."

"No," Kagome shook her head. "No, it's fine. I can't hide out forever, right?" She tried to flash a smile, but Sango's face only proved that she wasn't successful. Kagome started pulling off the yukata, wincing at the smell wafting off of it. How did Sango stand being that close to her? She must look at least as awful as she smells.

She pulled the yukata off her shoulders, holding it to her. The bruises were almost completely gone, and so were the scabs off the smaller scratches and scrapes. The bigger ones were still bandaged up, and she's still so stiff and weak. Kagome brought it in with her, holding it to her chest. Sango didn't speak at all, but held her hands out to steady her, to make sure she climbs in without bashing her head open. It would be such a shame to make it this far only to split her head on a rock, you know?

She slipped into the hot water, and it feels like there are layers coming off her, layers of dust and dirt and sorrow and she can breathe again without the air smothering her. She looked at Sango, who sank into the water with her, arms still outstretched, like she's waiting to catch her if she falls too hard.

But this is a good fall.

She's falling back into herself.

"Let's get you clean, okay?" Sango gave her a tremulous smile. She nodded, slipping under the water to wet her hair. She came up easily, easier than she thought she would.

Pouring a generous blob of shampoo into her hands, she reached up to rub it vigorously into her hair, except she couldn't raise her hand up high enough to do it. The stitches pulled on her skin making it almost painful to raise it above her head.

"Here, let me," Sango scraped her hand along Kagome's palm, gathering the shampoo and beginning to lather it up into her hair.

It was quiet only for a moment.

"I missed you so much," Sango spoke quietly as she worked. "I miss talking to you. So much. You are so important—" Sango's voice cracked, and her arms hooked around Kagome's neck, and Sango's cheek rested against her own. "Please, don't lock me out again. I love you so much. You're like my favorite person."
Kagome wiped her face with a wet hand, a small smile on her face.

"I thought Miroku was your favorite person."

"Ha, ha," Sango said dryly, pulling away. "Rinse," she commanded.

Kagome ducked under the water as Sango gently rubbed her scalp. Kagome came back up and Sango ran her fingers through her hair, testing it.

"I think it needs to be washed one more time," Sango mused and Kagome reached her good hand up and felt her hair. It still felt a little waxy to the touch.

"Yeah," she grimaced. It must've really been a mess before if she needed to wash it twice. Definitely not a good sign. Sango began working the shampoo through her hair again without having to be asked. "So what's everyone been up to?"

"Miroku's been quiet. He disappears for a while every day up to the shrine to do research for Kaede."

Why wouldn't Kaede—

Oh, right, because Kaede was stuck taking care of her.

"But even when he's around, he's still quiet. I think he misses you too. He might also be annoyed because Shippo has chosen him to sleep next to at night."

Kagome stifled a grin at the thought that the tiny little kitsune was forcing Miroku to behave.

"How's Shippo doing?" She asked.

"Rinse."

Kagome ducked under the water, feeling the shampoo rinse out and she emerged, reaching up to feel her hair cleaned of dirt and oil.

Sango reached for another bottle, poured a bit into her hands, and began gently running her fingers through her hair.

"Shippo's been quiet too. He's been sleeping with Miroku every night. And he's been spending a lot of time with Inuyasha."

That was—she scrunched up her face—an interesting choice.

"Voluntarily?"

"Yeah, it's weird, but he seems a little better."

"And Inuyasha?"

"Inuyasha—" Sango starts, but then hesitates. She lets out a loud huff. "He's been insufferable, like worse than when I first joined you guys."

Kagome frowned at that. Sure, he was always grumpy, but not that bad. Sango had known them a while, so even she should be able to tell the difference.

"Is his being in a bad mood because we haven't been able to go shard hunting? You know you guys can go without me. You don't have to stay here. I don't want to slow you down."

"Oh God no, that's not it at all!" Sango said with an emphatic wave of her hands. "In fact, he was pretty upset when we mentioned the shards. And we couldn't leave without you anyway."

"I'm not really sure what help I'll be though. I can't even shoot an arrow right now. Much less, you know, other things. You guys should go; I can stay here with Kaede."

"No, we're not going without you. Either we all go or none of us goes."

"Sango," Kagome chided. "You can't let me hold you up. I'm barely strong enough to walk around the hut."

"Then we will wait until you are strong enough." Sango gripped her shoulders, the one far more gently than the other. "It doesn't matter what you say, Kagome. We are not leaving without you. End of discussion." Sango motions for her to rinse her hair once more, and once done, takes a seat in the water.

With that, Kagome settles into the water and takes the soap and scrubs at her skin. Sango watches her, content to enjoy the warmth of the water and the company.

There were still so many questions rolling through her head. Why did he bring her back? Sango had to know that she'd lost her powers, right? They all did, right? That's why they sent her back to her time without the shards, so why bring her back? What did she have to offer them now?

Kagome finished scrubbing and shifted towards Sango slightly. Sango moved the rest of the way to her, sitting beside her and draping an arm around her neck, so Kagome could rest her head on her shoulder.

It was quiet and the warm water felt nice against her skin.

She still held onto the yukata she'd borrowed, and she decided that she might as well wash it and let it dry while they soak. Seemed like the right thing to do.

They probably all think she's been 'wallowing' too.

"Kagome?" Sango asked, reaching out to take the fabric from her hands. "Kaede gave me another one to have you wear back."

"I was going to wash this one."

"Here, let me help. You take half and I'll take the other." Sango took some of the free flowing material and rubbed it under the water. "When we're done, we should probably dry off and head back. It'll be getting late soon, and we don't want to make anyone worry."

"Yeah," Kagome answered, and they finished working in quiet. Once the yukata was cleaned to Sango's satisfaction, she climbed out, hanging it over a branch. She dried and dressed herself before moving to help Kagome stand in the water, and then begin the slow and arduous process of getting out herself.

It took a lot of effort, more than it should have. It would take her a while to build her strength back up. She would only slow them down even more than she did before.

"Here," Sango said, draping a towel over her shoulders as she took another to gently pat her hair dry of the excess water. Kagome dried herself as Sango gently squeezed her hair.

Sango helped her dry, leaving her hair in the towel as she slid on the dry yukata, and Kagome tied the front of it closed as Sango collects their things at the edge of the pool.

"I think that's everything," she stated, hands on her hips as she surveyed the area before moving back to Kirara, who transformed with a mewling roar, lowering herself again. "You ready to go?"

Kagome pushed herself to her feet, walking over to Kirara, who nuzzled her stomach with her nose. Kagome's fingers scratched at the bridge of her nose and the diamond on her forehead. Kirara growled out a purring sound, and Sango placed a hand on her shoulder blade.

"Ready?"

Kagome nodded, moving towards Kirara's side as Sango helped her climb back up before situating herself behind her.

"How do you feel?" Sango asked, making sure she was settled and secure before climbing up herself.

"A little better, I think," she said, gripping Kirara's fur between her fingers. Sango squeezed her arms around her middle.

"I missed you so much. I'm here for you. Whatever you need, okay?"

Kagome nodded, feeling her eyes water with the sentiment.

"I missed you, too," Kagome answers, and she feels Sango shake a little behind her before reaching up to wipe her face with her fingers.

"Come on, let's go before we wind up having to take another bath," Sango said as she ushered Kirara into the air and back to the village. Kirara leapt up, and the wind rushed around her.

Maybe if she didn't miss the feeling of flying quite so much, of warm hands under her thighs, of soft fabric under her cheek, this wouldn't hurt at all. But she did, she missed it. Being this high up, it had always felt like the safest place to be. Like nothing would ever be able to touch her all the way up here.`

But that was all gone now.

But she had Sango and Shippo. She could live. She could make do. She could manage.

She'd manage. She'd exist for the sake of existing. Because they'd asked her to.

It's a start, at least.

A/N: Well, my dad got out of the hospital, but my mom's also tested positive. Good news is that she's gotten the antibody infusion, so she's doing fine. Like yesterday, she's out spraying for moles and cleaning the pool. (She also apparently sewed some Santa hats for chairs? ️) We also started school, and there's just so much peopling in a day, you know?