Chapter 26
Fortis est non pertubaris in rebus asperis
"The strong do not falter in adversity."
"Advice is a dangerous gift,
even from the wise to the wise,
and all courses may run ill."
—The Fellowship of the Ring
"Don't you fucking tell me to calm the fuck down, hag!" His voice reverberated against the wall of the hut as he railed at the aged priestess. "Where the fuck is she?"
He'd come back from hunting, expecting to walk into the small hut, with no sight or scent of Kagome, like it had been for the past week. He expected there to be a barrier.
And there was and there wasn't.
There was no barrier.
But there was a scent trail that led right out the fucking front door.
"Inuyasha—"
Kaede had let her leave.
Kaede had let her leave, and now, now she wouldn't tell him where she was.
"No! Where the fuck is she?" He paced inside the hut, staring into the small room. She wasn't here. She wasn't here. She wasn't here.
No blood. No blood was good.
She wasn't here.
"Calm down, In—"
"She's gone! And you want me to calm the fuck down?" He roared, pacing again.
"Kagome is safe."
No, she wasn't safe. She wasn't safe unless she was with him. She wasn't safe unless she was with him!
"Tell me where she fucking is!"
He paced, clenching and unclenching his hands into fists and out. His nails pricked his own skin. Sharp, stabbing pains in the palms of his hand to remind him. She's not here.
"Kagome is with Sango and Kirara. Ye know as well as I, Sango would lay down her life for Kagome."
Not the same.
What if that wasn't enough?
Miroku needed Sango in the same way that he needed Kagome. The world didn't need him, but Miroku needed Sango. The bastard would probably try to off himself if anything happened to her.
Not that he himself was any different when it came to Kagome. He'd happily let his brother disembowel him again if it meant that she'd be safe.
Kaede continued slicing the meat that he brought, he'd hunted for her, for dinner. She graces him with a glance as he continues his pacing staring at her like he could ignite her into a flaming pyre just by sheer willpower alone.
Where was the monk? He'd back him up on this.
"Ye should be happy that Kagome feels well enough to leave the room." Bitch sounded almost smug about this whole thing.
"Could you just be fucking helpful and tell me where the wench went?"
Kaede eyed him, pausing her motions, before meeting his gaze.
"Mmm," she mused. "No."
Okay, now she's just fucking with him.
Where's the runt? He'd be able to wheedle it out of her. He glances around the hut, but there's no sign of the little kit. He's never far from the hut when it's dinner time, so of course, the one fucking time Inuyasha could actually use him, he's fucking gone.
Fucking parasite. Probably related to Myoga.
Figures.
He growled, pacing the length of the room before staring into the small space she'd been living in for over a week.
She doesn't smell—good, well, safe. She smells like she hasn't been eating and sad, so fucking sad that he can barely stand it.
There's something there, in that room, that makes whatever's living inside his chest claw at his fingers, urging him to do something. Anything to get the feeling out and to get to her. He knows that it'll stop once he finds her, sees her, smells that she's fine, that she's okay, not hurt or injured. She can't be hurt.
She needs to be safe.
She has to be safe, because she's already hurt. She's been hurting, and he couldn't do anything about it.
She needs to be safe.
He's struggling to keep everything in and in check.
If she's hurt, he knows that he'll lose it. He'll lose everything.
She has to be safe. She has to be.
He knows that it's becoming obsessive. That he probably should be concerned about how much this corners his thoughts, but he can't.
It's just that—she needs to be safe.
"Are your instincts bothering ye?" Kaede asks from her little corner of the world.
"'m fine," he answers curtly, still pacing. "I've got it under control."
Kaede hums.
"I did not ask if ye were having control issues."
Fucking hag.
He growled, shoving himself into a corner, glaring at Kaede from where he sat. It was something to do, something to distract him.
He needs to know where she is, but even he knows that Kaede isn't going to tell him anything at this point.
Fucking hag. Like she knew what was best for Kagome. They all wanted to send her home, said it would be for the best, and look at where that got them! He was the only one who—
He stood up suddenly and marched towards the doorway, because he was not going to sit still and wait for her to come home, because what if she didn't? What if she never came back? What if something happened to her and he wasn't there to stop it or save her and she—
"Inuyasha, take one more step towards the door and I will subdue ye." She glared at him with her one good eye. "Ye will not go hunt down Sango and Kagome." He growled low and menacing at the notion that Kaede of all people would keep him away from h—from Kagome. "Take a seat, Inuyasha. We have a conversation that is long overdue."
Inuyasha stared at the doorway for a moment. He spared a glance towards her, and then back to the door. Like she could really stop him.
"I will use ofuda. Do not make me force ye to stay put." She pointed to an empty cushion.
He snarled at her, but took the seat farthest from her around the fire. You know, just in case.
Wouldn't be the first time she'd slapped an ofuda on his face. And he doubted it would be the last.
"It would seem I have been remiss in my duties," she stated, and his eyes darted to her, questioning her meaning. She stirred the stew as she continued to chop vegetables with a knife that could use resharpening.
He usually sharpened her knives with his claws. Kagome always hated the noise, so he'd sneak off with Kaede's knives at night and sharpen them while they were in the village. It had been a while since they'd all been here and since they'd had a moment to breathe.
"I know that ye are technically my elder," he opened his mouth to speak, but she continued, giving him a glare to shut up, "however, it would appear as though I am the elder of us now. I have seen many things in the fifty years ye've been asleep."
Fifty years was nothing compared to how long he'd been alive. She knew that he'd been alive longer than any of them. And he would be alive long after they died too. A sobering thought on its own.
"I need ye to listen, Inuyasha. Understand?" She stopped everything and waited for him to acknowledge the statement.
"Yeah, fine, whatever." He crossed his arms, head turned towards the doorway, waiting for her to return. But the agreement was there. He would sit, and he would listen to whatever dumbass things she had to say.
"Ye know that Miroku has been researching curses at the shrine," Kaede stated. He turned his head towards her.
"Is that what you think is wrong with Kagome? Someone cursed her?"
"Aye," she said, stirring the stew carefully. "Whoever cursed Kagome was strong enough to not only subdue her powers but hide the curse as well. It is the mark of a strong priestess."
"Why would they seal her powers? Why not just kill her?" He flinched at his own question. Kagome was not allowed to die. Ever.
"Aye, a conundrum indeed. Why bother to seal her powers at all?"
Inuyasha watched her intently now, curious as to where she was leading with this.
"You have an idea," he stated, ears pricking forward as he tried to rationalize out what conclusion she'd come to.
"Miroku believes he is close to narrowing down which curse was used."
"Which means, you can find a way to counter it." He'd felt more hope in the last minute than he had in weeks.
"Aye," she answered. "Mayhaps, her powers might even return. But—" she added quickly, obviously to crush the hope that built in his chest, that Kagome could be Kagome again. "We must be prepared that they might be gone entirely."
She continued chopping another round of vegetables like this wasn't a life altering conversation.
"But that is not the real reason that I need to speak with ye," she started, and he felt his chest tighten. Something else was wrong with Kagome, he knew it. "Kagome needs ye."
He let out a bitter laugh, startling Kaede with its dark and heavy tone. The spoon clanged loudly against the side of the pot.
"She really doesn't," he said, letting his chin fall into his palm as he sighed. "She hasn't wanted me around since I found her. She doesn't need me." He turned his face away from her gaze that softened at his words.
"Kagome is afraid. She is scared at other's perceptions and thoughts about her, about what happened to her, about what she's lost. You might be familiar with the feeling."
"Look, it ain't like I care what other people think. It ain't like anyone has ever thought anything nice about me anyway." Well, that's not true. Not since Kagome first arrived. Even when he was an ass to her, she always said or did something nice for him. "Not like it hurt me any."
"Aye, but Kagome is not like you."
"She ain't like anyone," he muttered.
"Aye, Kagome is her own person," Kaede said with a fond smile. "But that is the matter at hand, Kagome is different from ye or Sango or myself. There will come a time when she will need ye, and I feel that moment nears closer than ye think." She stirs the stew again. "And when the time comes, ye must make a choice. If ye want to help her regain some of the lost parts of herself, then ye must commit to her. Ye cannot abandon her when it becomes inconvenient."
Abandon her?
Abandon her?
His youki flared; he didn't have the wherewithal to even try to contain it. It flared, dark and diabolic, daring anyone to counter him.
He would never abandon her!
How could anyone think that? After—After everything—all this time together—they still think that he could just leave her?
His mouth opened to snarl out a response, but Kaede raised her spoon to stop him, pointing it at his face, fangs out and all.
"No, ye will listen first and foremost! Kagome is afraid!" Her raised voice jolted him back into silence. Kaede never raised her voice, and she hadn't done that to him since the beads were put on. "Kagome is afraid that she will no longer be needed by any of you."
He recoiled at the thought.
How could she ever think that?
She was so vitally necessary to everything.
He needed her so badly that it wasn't even fucking funny.
How could she think that they wouldn't want her?
How could she think that he wouldn't want her near him always?
Hadn't he told her that he wanted her to stay? He didn't say that to just anyone. Not even Kikyo.
"So, Inuyasha, if ye desire to help, then commit to Kagome. If ye cannot commit, fully and completely, then ye need to let her go."
This time a snarling roar escaped him. He heard birds flee from the roof.
Let her go?
Let her go?
Like fucking hell he was ever, ever letting her go!
"I ain't fucking going anywhere, hag. And I ain't letting her go! And like fuck am I going to abandon her! Ever!"
"Once ye make your choice, there is no going back for Kagome. Be wise, Inuyasha. Be considerate of Kagome's feelings. If ye change your mind, Inuyasha, ye could do irreparable harm to the girl."
He dug his claws into the floorboards, gouging out deep grooves as he dragged them across. Kaede said nothing, though she eyed him.
"You think I don't fucking know that? I'm not the idiot everyone thinks I am!"
"I do not think ye are an idiot, Inuyasha. Rash, yes, but not an idiot. But that rashness is what leads ye into troubled waters."
Well, he can't argue with that. He did tend to speak before he thought. And act before he thought.
And that had earned him a sit more often than not.
Kaede didn't talk to him for a little bit as she dumped the last of the vegetables into the stew and continued to stir it.
"What is your vow to my sister, Inuyasha?" Kaede asked him in the stillness and the quiet. He flinched and looked away.
"She wants me to go to hell with her after Naraku is defeated."
"That is Kikyo's vow to ye. I was referring to your vow of protection."
"Yeah? What of it? I made the same one to Kagome."
"Aye, but ye made the vow to Kagome first, did ye not?"
He opened his mouth to argue, but Kaede was—right? He'd sworn to protect her at his father's grave, hadn't he? Right after she'd pulled out Tetsusaiga, and he'd thought that she'd died from Sesshomaru's poison. And then he'd called her stupid or something else equally insulting.
But he'd been protecting her before that, because the girl seemed to have a complete disregard for her own personal safety, which both enthralled him and infuriated him. She needed him, and that gave him purpose. It gave him a reason to stay, to exist.
"Ye made the vow to protect my sister some time after that, correct?"
Again, he opened his mouth to correct her but struggled to find the argument. She's wrong, right? He racked his brain for the proof that she was wrong; he'd sworn the vow to Kikyo first, that's why he always—whenever Kikyo called him—she was the one who insisted—oh fuuuck.
Kaede was right.
He'd always wanted to protect the both of them. He vividly remembered promising them both his own protection, pledging to throw his body in front of any attack, give up his life to save theirs, prolong theirs.
He made Kagome's vow at his father's grave.
Kikyo's vow, though, came after she was resurrected. Long after her resurrection.
Kaede was depressingly right.
He buried his face into his hands, stifling a groan of frustration.
"Then Kagome's vow precedes the one ye made to my sister."
Her tone was even-keeled, and Inuyasha couldn't decide whether Kaede was upset about that or not.
"By that logic, your protection is owed to Kagome above all others, isn't it?" She sipped a sampling of stew off the spoon and his stomach rebelled at the thought of eating.
Was Kaede saying that she didn't want him to protect her sister? Why did that feel like a complete and utter trap that he was gleefully walking right into?
The fire burned evenly under the pot, and his eyes followed the flames as they moved. His hands resting on his knees as he sat there.
If it came between them, protecting Kagome or protecting Kikyo, did he have it in him to choose? Would he lose them both instead of choosing one over the other?
"Something to consider at least," Kaede said as she lightly patted his shoulder as she stood beside him.
"Keh," he scoffs weakly, rising up from his seat. This level of thinking required a nap in Goshinboku.
Miroku pushed the mat aside and stood in the doorway.
"Lady Kaede, Inuyasha," he greeted. Inuyasha stared at him, eyes narrowing, as he took in the monk's face. He was tired, the darkening circles under his eyes proving that the monk was working himself too hard.
He genuinely cared about Kagome too.
Sometimes, it was easy to forget that there were others. Hadn't Miroku said that they loved her too?
"Have ye made any progress on researching the curse?" Kaede asked as Miroku walked inside and slumped down on the nearest cushion.
"I've narrowed it down considerably. But knowing who cursed her would make the work easier. Or seeing the curse in action," Miroku shot him a glare as he growled a low warning, "Shut it. I don't want it to happen any more than you, Inuyasha."
"Aye, we must work with what information we have. However little it may be. "
"Indeed. I should have it sorted out in a couple more days. Counter curse included."
"Ye do good work, lord monk." Kaede handed him a cup of something, water probably, and moved towards the doorway. "I request one more task of ye, I'm afraid."
"Of course, what do you need of me?"
"Entertain our hanyou friend here. He's rather interested in Sango and Kagome's whereabouts, and he needs to stay put in this hut and not out hunting them down."
"Kagome left?" Miroku asked, glancing between Inuyasha and Kaede. "With Sango?"
"Aye," Kaede answered, a grin on her face.
He smiled genuinely despite the exhaustion written across his features, settling back against the wall.
"Well, that's good news indeed."
Kaede agreed as she walked out the door, leaving a cooking stew and a grinning monk behind her.
"Kaede spoke to you then," he stated simply.
"Yeah," he grumbled.
"Good. And you're going to stay?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you people? Of course I'm staying!"
"We never doubted you, Inuyasha," Miroku said, sipping from the cup. "We just wanted to—lay out the facts for you. See things from a fresh perspective. That's all."
Inuyasha stared at the fire.
He was an idiot.
And now the monk knew it.
"I, for one, never doubted your loyalties." Inuyasha scoffed in an aside. "But sometimes we get so lost in who we were that we can't see who we are. We're all guilty of this, myself included." He stared at the cup. "We have to be willing to let go of what we wanted in order to accept what is in front of us."
"What the fuck are you getting at, monk?"
Miroku let out a sigh heavy with exasperation.
"I was so caught up in Naraku's curse, that I never thought about having a future, or even really wanting one. My goal was just to live long enough; I didn't have a plan for after." He played with the beads around his hand. "But now, with Sango, I want it. The future. Everything. I spent—wasted so much time pushing her away because I was afraid of becoming that person who wanted to live that I almost missed out on the possibility of a future with her." He stared at his hand for a moment before meeting Inuyasha's gaze. "You loved Kikyo fifty years ago, but you don't love her now." Miroku stared at him with a hard look, daring him to deny it. "Well, that might be an unfair statement. You don't love Kikyo the same way you love Kagome."
Fucking monk.
Fucking—smart people.
He needed to surround himself with idiots. Go find his own Jaken or something that wouldn't make him think about his life choices and all the bullshit that came with it.
"Keh," he scoffed, looking away from him. "Even if I did, what good would it do? She'd just end up like my mother did, and I can't—not to her."
"Kagome has the right to make her own choices. You deserve to have—"
He had a handful of robes in his fist, dragging Miroku up the wall until his feet were dangling.
"Don't finish that sentence," he warned, but he could already tell from Miroku's face that he wasn't backing down either.
Idiots.
They didn't even know when to be scared of youkai anymore.
"Inuyasha," Miroku said, grabbing the wrist that held him up.
"Don't."
His throat felt tight already, and he could barely swallow. He clamped his eyes closed as they burned, threatening tears that he swore he'd never shed.
He shoved Miroku back into the wall, hearing the satisfying thump of his back against the wood, and stalked off for the door before he could fully recover.
"Inuyasha, wait!"
"I won't be far, and I won't seek her out. I just—yell if—whatever."
He leapt away towards the forest before the monk could say anything else.
They were wrong.
He didn't deserve anything.
They were all wrong.
Fuck.