Chapter 27
Vox nihili
"The voice of nothing"

"Death must be so beautiful.
To lie in the soft brown earth,
with the grasses waving above one's head,
and listen to silence.
To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow.
To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace."
—"The Canterville Ghost"

The closer they got to the village, the more an anxious pit in her stomach formed. She'd felt so good away from the village and—

Inuyasha.

Being back in the village meant that she would have to see Inuyasha. Eventually, they would have to see each other.

Eventually, they would have to talk.

Or not.

He's given her the silent treatment before. It wouldn't be any different than the time after she'd been kidnapped by Koga.

It also hadn't lasted this long before. He'd never been this angry at her before either. After Koga, he'd yelled and she'd been the one to storm off and the one to come back. But now, he was the one giving her the silent treatment and the one avoiding her. But he'd gone for so much longer than she ever did.

Kirara landed, and Sango slid off to help her down. Kaede was walking up where she'd been working in the garden.

"Ah, you're back already. Dinner is almost ready. Miroku and Inuyasha should be inside if ye haven't seen them already."

Kagome held onto Sango's arms as she helped her down, feeling Kirara transform behind them.

Sango said something, but the thrumming noise in her ears only added to her panic. Inuyasha and Miroku were inside. They were just inside the walls and her safe place.

Kaede had the barrier on the walls. She just needed to get inside, and she could just postpone talking to Inuyasha for another day. That's all. She'd talk to him eventually. Eventually. But maybe just not today?

"Let's get you inside," Sango said as she leaned over to pick up the bag, but Kagome couldn't take the waiting. The tension sat on the edge of her stomach, making it off center, lurching, with every moment that passed. The moment Sango let go of her arms, Kagome bolted through the door, pushing the mat aside, sliding to her knee as the stitches in her thigh pulled painfully, making her leg give out before scrambling through the sheet and into her blankets.

She wrapped them around herself, drawing them over her like they'd been for the past week.

"Kagome?" Miroku's voice came through the sheet. "Kagome? Is everything alright?"

"Let her be, Miroku," Kaede's voice drifted in from the outside.

"She was doing so well," Sango lamented and let out a loud sigh.

"These things take time, Sango. We have to be patient. She has made progress. That's all that we can ask her for," Kaede reminded her.

"I know, but—"

"Sango, this is progress. All good things take time."

Kaede's hand appeared inside the doorway, dropping the tote off before it disappeared back into the main room. Waiting for just a moment, she crawled towards the bag, letting the blankets sift away from her, falling back against the floor. Grabbing the bag, she dragged it back towards her backpack to put away and put the towels out to dry.

"If Kaede says it's progress, then it's progress," Miroku's voice was quiet, as if he was trying to not be overheard, but it was quiet enough for her to hear. "If we're upset, it'll only make her upset and that's what we're trying to avoid."

"I know, but—" Sango's voice turned muffled. "I miss us all being together."

"We all do, but we have to be patient, like Lady Kaede told us."

"If that hand of yours drifts any further, I will break it," Sango growled.

"It's cursed, I swear," Miroku chuckled without the high pitched fear of being slapped.

Maybe she would get to see it come to fruition after all, but not from here. She'd have to come out from the room, out from behind the sheet.

She could do this.

Didn't she just talk about doing this? Didn't she talk about not giving up?

She let out a breath.

Baby steps.

She did go outside today.

And she bathed.

So that was like two things.

Two whole things. And that was like day one.

Maybe she could sit outside for dinner today. That would also be an improvement from the norm. She blanched. Eating might also be considered an improvement too.

Mind made up, she started to her feet, making sure that her legs were under her as she stood.

The door mat hit the wall loudly a split second before she heard Inuyasha entering the hut.

It was silent, and she started to slink back towards her blankets.

"The fuck is—!"

"Inuyasha!" Kaede snapped, interrupting him. "You will keep your voice down!"

A low growl built, vibrating across the air, through the walls, and Kagome pulled the blanket over her shoulders as she curled up, feeling the weight of it reassuring, as her insides felt like they were liquefying.

"You do not frighten me or anyone else here, dog!" Kaede snapped back at him. Kagome flinched and felt a sharp instinct to yell back, to defend him, but all that came out was a short squeak, hopefully muffled by the blankets.

The growl stopped suddenly, and she heard a loud groan of frustration coming from him.

"Ye said ye'd made your choice," Kaede hissed. "So act like it!"

She could hear Inuyasha grumble an apology and flop against the wall.

But now she didn't know if she should go out or not. Now that she knew he was here, she wasn't sure if she should.

Maybe blankets would be best.

Just for today.

"Kagome," Kaede called, pushing the sheet aside enough to allow her to walk in; she raised her eyebrows at Kagome's blanket clad lump on the bedding. "I assume that ye are tired," she stated it as a question. She was giving her an out, an excuse to stay in her little room where it was safe.

"Yeah," she whispered with a nod, and Kaede started to turn away to head back out, "but—!" She reached her hand out to stop Kaede's retreat.

Kaede turned towards her, waiting patiently for her to continue.

"Uh," under Kaede's gaze, she faltered momentarily.

"What is it ye need?"

"The—uh—my stitches. They're pulling."

"Aye, ye want them removed?"

"Please?"

"Aye, I'll be right back," Kaede slipped back out from the room. She could hear murmurings.

"Does she need help?" Sango asked, almost sounding hopeful.

"I believe it would be best if I handled this."

Kaede reappeared with a sharp knife and the small shears that Kagome had given her months ago.

"And which ones are bothering you?"

"All of them?" She said, and Kaede frowned.

"Your shoulder and your thigh would be ready to be pulled. But the cut on your arm might not be."

Kagome pushed her leg out from the blankets, pulling the fabric back as Kaede opened the wooden flat to let in more light.

She settled in beside her leg, pulling the damp bandages off, and checking the skin around the stitches.

"The skin is still soft enough," she explained. "It shouldn't be too uncomfortable. Ready?"

Kagome nodded, and Kaede set to work, cutting and pulling the stitches out of her leg. She winced as Kaede pulled the first thread out, but managed to keep her flinching to a minimum afterwards.

However, a thread on the backside of her thigh caught and seemed to stick to her skin as Kaede worked it with the edge of her knife. Kagome whimpered as it finally pulled free.

"She's fine," Kaede said loudly in a warning tone. She pressed a soft piece of cloth to the wound to stem what little bleeding there was.

Once she was done with her leg, Kaede motioned to her shoulder.

"Do ye wish to continue?"

Kagome let the blanket fall away from her shoulder, and Kaede pulled the yukata to the side to see the skin. She took the bandages off, lightly pressing against the skin as she started removing the stitches here as well.

"These here," Kaede said, pulling at the ones on her back, making her hiss as she tugged a particularly painful stitch free. "These are too tight. It should feel much better once they are removed."

"Is it going to hurt?"

"Aye, probably," Kaede mentioned as she continued to pull another painful stitch free. "Only a few more."

Once she was done, Kaede pressed another cloth on either side of her shoulder.

"Do ye want to continue or do ye wish to wait?"

"Can we wait?" Her leg and shoulder were still stinging, and she pulled away the small cloth to see if any spots were still welling up with blood.

"Of course. I will bring ye some dinner in just a moment."

Her shoulder already felt better. She hadn't realized just how tight those stitches had pulled her skin.

Kaede gathered her tools and set them on a shelf before leaving the room. She pushed the sheet aside, disappearing from view. Kagome watched for a moment before righting her sleeve and pulling the blanket up.

Several voices murmured, as Kaede left and reemerged into the main room.

"Hush, all of ye," she chastised. "Honestly, ye are no better than children." She tapped the edge of her cooking pot with her spoon, the noise a slight clanging sound that Kagome would recognize from anywhere. "Now, eat the lot of ye." She shuffled back across the floor towards her, and the sheet moved in the doorway, revealing Kaede. "Maybe it will give them something better to do," she grumbled.

She carefully handled Kagome the bowl, gingerly letting go once she was sure that her grip was solid.

"I will let ye eat in peace," Kaede announced going back into the main room, fixing the sheet so that it hid her from view.

That . . . really wasn't what she wanted though, and she kinda wished that people would just stop assuming that they knew what was best for her. Not that she really knew what was best for herself either, but at least she knew that she had no clue.

What did she want anyway?

Inuyasha.

She cleared her head, taking a small bite of stew, which has a lot more vegetables than Kagome remembered Kaede putting in her stews before. She ate as much as she could stomach, which was a little over half the bowl before her stomach was so full that it felt like it might burst if she ate another bite. She set the bowl to the side and looked down at her leg.

It was a red line now, though not really all that large.

Her shoulder was a little bit more obvious that something traumatic had happened there. It was probably because it hadn't been treated properly, and all the abuse her shoulder had endured since being run through with a youkai's claws. Talons. Whatever. She was sure that there would be other scars too. Not that she didn't have any before this. But none of them were reminders, well, not like these at least.

"Kagome?" Kaede's voice cut through the quiet, and Kagome briefly wondered if she'd kicked them all out of the hut.

"Come in," she called quietly, and then felt guilty about Kaede feeling like she had to ask to enter a room in her own hut.

"How are ye feeling now?" Kaede asked, deftly looking into the bowl to gauge how much she'd eaten. Kagome watched her face carefully. While Kaede was pleased, she wasn't thrilled that food remained in the bowl.

"Full," Kagome answered, hoping that it would help Kaede feel better about what she had managed to eat.

"Do ye still want to remove the last of the stitches? It can wait until tomorrow," Kaede offered and Kagome shook her head.

"No, just take them out now. I'm kinda done with them."

Kaede pulled the sleeve down and began cutting the sutures and pulling them out. These came out easily and without much pain or fuss.

"Now remember child, this doesn't mean that you've fully healed, but it would help to start stretching some of the muscle slowly and carefully."

Kagome nodded, rolling her shoulder under her hand.

"Alright, do ye need anything else?" Kaede asked, collecting her tools and the small bowl she used to collect the sutures.

Kagome shook her head, handing her the bowl of stew as she moved to leave.

"Thank ye," Kaede said as she gave her a soft smile as she headed back into the main room.

"How much?" Inuyasha asked quietly.

Kagome listened to the rough gravel of his voice as he tried to stay quiet enough.

"Enough, Inuyasha."

"Not an answer, hag."

"Inuyasha, it's a process," Miroku added.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Inuyasha hissed back.

"Sit down, Inuyasha," Kaede reprimanded.

"No," he growled back, and she heard him coming towards her. The hair on her arms and the back of her neck stood on end, and she really wished that she still had her reiki, because she couldn't tell if the barrier was up or not. And she didn't want to see him while he was angry.

He was already so disappointed in her.

"No," Sango interrupted, clearly standing in front of the doorway, because the sheet shifted ever so slightly.

"Move, Sango," he warned, and Kagome shifted further back onto the bed, pulling the blankets up and around her head, wrapping them around herself like a protective cocoon. A safety-safe burrito.

"No. You heard Kaede. She'll come out when she's ready."

"I'll fucking make you move," Inuyasha warned, and Kagome tried to feel something, anything.

Before she could feel barriers and youki, and she hadn't realized how much she used that to gauge how he was feeling. Was it calm? Was it billowing out like it did when he was trying to intimidate someone? Sometimes, it felt like it was just brushing against her, reminding her that he was there and she was safe.

She just wanted to feel safe again.

That's what she wanted.

Taking a stuttering breath, she reached out with the phantom limb of her reiki. She knew what it should feel like, so that's what she did.

A gasp escaped her as the world left its quiet, black and white nature, and exploded into color. She could feel him.

She could feel him.

And, boy, was he pissed off.

Before she could say, do, move, anything really, her reiki felt like it imploded, knocking her back with the force of its recoil. She hit the futon harder than she should have, head knocking back against the wooden slats of the floor.

But it was the tightening pressure around her throat that scared her, like an invisible clawed hand crushing her windpipe. Her fingers dug into her skin, but there was nothing to pry loose. She gasped, but nothing made it past the crushing weight against her throat. She swiped at the air above her, anything to free herself.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha shouted.

"Kagome, are you okay?" Sango called through the sheet.

"Take down the fucking barrier!" Inuyasha roared. "Something's wrong!"

Her legs kicked out, flailing, trying to find something to alleviate the burning weight on her chest. She can't breathe; it feels like she's drowning.

And she might know what that feels like too.

There was air all around her, but none of it was getting in, where it needed to be.

Strangled gasps are the only noises that escaped her throat, and Sango is suddenly in her blurred vision, holding her face between her hands. Kagome grips one of

her arms so tightly that she's sure she's piercing the skin with her nails.

"It's okay. We're here. We're going to help," Sango said, glancing up at Kaede, who only stared at her, wide eyed and afraid.

Kagome knew that look. She'd seen it before.

There was a chance that Kagome was going to die.

"Miroku, here! Sango, move!" Kaede shouts, and the monk is now at her side as Sango shifts to stare at her overhead.

"Focus on me, Kagome. Look at me," Sango coos, rubbing her cheeks with her thumbs. "You're going to be fine."

She can feel her chest vibrate with each beat of her heart; the pain is piercing now, and that's definitely not a good sign. A hard pulse and rattle each time it beats, until it feels like her entire body is spasming from pain.

Maybe she's having a heart attack.

"Sango, hold her hands away before she tears out her own windpipe!" Sango quickly lets go of her face, firmly planting her hands into the wooden floor, and Kagome can't help but thrash at the restriction. Her nails dig into Sango's hand, and Sango winces but doesn't say anything against it.

"It's okay. You're doing great!" Sango tries to reassure her. "It's going to be fine!"

But Sango's tears dripping onto her face belie that statement.

It's not okay.

This is bad.

Really bad.

"Inuyasha, grab her legs and hold her down," Kaede orders and she feels the familiar grip of his fire rat covered arms as he easily grips her legs, pinning them down with one arm, while the other presses against her thighs, further pressing her into the ground.

A low, garbled wheeze escapes her, and the pressure is only tightening around her neck.

"Miroku, do you feel it?" Kaede asks.

She can feel the beads around his hand as it rests against her the flesh of her neck.

"It's here!" He answers quickly, his other hand pressing down on her stomach, to keep her still, but all this restriction just makes her want to fight more.

She wants to throw up, but is it even possible for it to come out of her mouth?

Drowning in her own vomit doesn't seem that appealing in terms of viable ways to die.

Everything has weight to it now. The rise and fall of her chest, her limbs. The amount of effort it takes to move is just astounding. There's a distinct thump, hard and staccatoed, that rings in her head, echoing through her chest. If someone placed a rock on her chest, she was sure it would bounce on her skin with each beat of her heart.

Miroku and Kaede both plant ofuda across her neck and chest to no avail. There's no change. No air to be found.

Thump.

He and Kaede are clearly shouting at each other, but the sound is garbled and muffled.

Thump.

Sango's speaking to her, tears pouring down her face. She's terrified.

Thump.

She musters enough energy and coordinated effort to raise her head. Her eyes meet his, wide and golden and afraid.

Thump.

It's not a good look on him.

His claws prick her skin without breaking it as his fingers tighten their grip on her legs.

Thump.

He mouths her name. He's probably speaking, but she can't tell that at the moment. It's all whooshing and ringing at this point.

Shame. She really wanted to hear his voice again. Even if it's the last time.

Thump.

Her head cracks back against the floor.

It probably hurts, but that's muted too.

Sango's panicked gaze lingers on hers as she's saying something and squeezing her hands.

Thump.

There's a blackness creeping in from the sides of her vision, and spots obscure what is left. Her body slackened against their grip. She has nothing left to fight with.

Were those crests on his cheeks?

She was dying. No one goes denied air for this long without permanent repercussions.

And after all that effort she'd put in today.

Tsk.

Such a waste.

Thump.

She wanted to apologize.

Tell Miroku that she was so sorry she didn't try harder when he tried to train her.

She wanted to apologize to Sango for having to bury someone else that she loved after just telling her this is what she was afraid of, what she worked so hard to avoid.

Tell Kaede thank you for the kick in the butt she got earlier. It was a semi-enjoyable last day at least. She was right; she was always right.

Tell Shippo how sorry she is that she's going to miss out on so much of his life. How he's lost so much for someone so little.

And then the golden eyes, the warm strength, the rough, yet smooth, baritone of his voice. She really just hopes that he'll be happier now. That's all she's ever wanted for him, from him.

She's just so, so sorry.

Just be happy.

Thump.

Her eyes drifted closed as the subtle drag of her heart—

A/N: I'll just leave this right here.