Chapter 40
Sub Rosa
"Under the rose - usually meaning private or secret"

"He covered page after page with wild words
of sorrow and wilder words of pain.
There is a luxury in self-reproach.
When we blame ourselves,
we feel that no one else has a right to blame us.
It is the confession, not the priest,
that gives us absolution. "
—The Picture of Dorian Gray

Inuyasha let her inside first, making sure that the window was closed behind them. Like she was actually going to be able to escape that way, even if she wanted to. Instead, her only means of running was currently blocked by a "I'm trying to be good and hide my anger" hanyou, who clicked his claws against the top of her dresser as he literally stood in front of her only pathway to freedom.

She didn't want to go to school. Shouldn't that make him happy?

So why was he making such a big deal about it? Why would he stop her from going back to Kaede's?

Not to mention they forgot to get her backpack out of the wellhouse. She would have to get that later, if he ever let her leave the room.

It felt like everything was just crumbling slowly around the edges, coming closer and closer to the center, and all she could do was wait for the ground to fall out under her.

"So?" He asked, staring at her. Eyes narrowed and a scowl on his face. He looked every bit the grumpy hanyou she'd met in those first few days, but now he was irritated with her, as a person, and not just because of the subjugation beads.

"So what?" She feigned ignorance, trying to see if he would allow her an escape. He made a growling noise in the back of his throat, obviously irritated even further.

"Why do you want to leave so bad?"

"It just feels like we've wasted too much time, and we haven't been shard hunting in a long time and I just thought—"

"Don't lie, Kagome," he growled lowly, nostrils flaring.

Surely he couldn't—he couldn't smell when she didn't tell the whole truth, right? There was no way that he was a human lie detector.

He'd never called her out on it before.

Had he always known?

Did he just choose to never say anything?

Oh no.

"Kagome?" He asked, and she jerked her head up. His scowl narrowed, and he drew his hand away from the dresser; his stare burning through her like he knew something that she didn't.

She'd never considered that he could smell it. Maybe lies put off some sort of pheromone; dogs could scent that sort of thing, right?

Oh God.

What if he asked her about Kikyo?

What was she supposed to say?

What was she supposed to do?

What was she supposed to do?

"Kagome." He stood in front of her now—when had he moved?—and she had to crane her neck up to look at him. His face was—unhappy, to say the least. His scowl had deepened, and there was an obvious line in the space between his dark brows.

He was staring at her, trying to read her, and she suddenly became afraid of what secrets she was revealing without realizing it.

Her name had become a command. She was supposed to do something, but her brain just wasn't processing everything. She should do something—something normal—normal for her at least.

"How did you know?" She managed to squeak out.

His head tilted to the side, one ear twisting to hear something behind him, but the notion was obvious. Confusion. He didn't understand.

"That I wasn't saying what I meant."

That perked his ears up, and the head tilt disappeared.

"You mean, lying?"

"It wasn't a lie. Not entirely." Her gaze broke away from his, and she couldn't stop her fingers from reaching out to play with the hem of his sleeve in front of her. He stayed quiet, waiting for her response, but not stopping her trembling fingers as she sought comfort from him.

A soft exhale escaped him, and she tried to focus.

"I really do want to go shard hunting again," she took a quick breath to steady her nerves, "I want things to go back to normal, and that feels normal, you know?"

"But you don't want to go to school?" He asked, still standing statuesque in front of her. She shook her head, not making eye contact with him, still staring at his chest. "Why not?" He asked, and for once, Kagome felt like she was the one who wasn't good with words. She used to be, but now, they all felt like dust on her tongue.

She shrugged.

"Not an answer," he said, and she saw his fingers twitch next to his sides.

Was she making him nervous? Was she invading his space? She'd been doing that a lot lately. Maybe she needed to take a step back from him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, taking a step back. His hands were gripping her elbows, preventing her from moving away.

"Stop trying to leave me and just tell me what the fuck is going on with you." The look on his face was fierce and directed at her. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about it either. That look had always sent her heart racing before, but now, it did the same thing but for different reasons.

"Leaving—?" She whispered, squinting at his wording. She wasn't leaving; she just didn't want to push him. She'd been taking so much from him, but it wasn't right. It wasn't fair. She stared at his eyes, trying to read him, but finding herself falling short in the process.

"Just tell me why, Kagome. Why don't you want to go to your school?"

Bigger question: why did he care so much?

Kagome was still staring at him.

"I—" she started, "I—" Her mouth opened and shut as she tried to figure out if she should tell him the grim reality.

But this was Inuyasha.

She trusted him implicitly. She had no reason not to tell him. He wouldn't tell anyone else. She could tell him. She could. Refocusing on his face, his eyes in particular, she steadied her nerves and took a breath.

"I'm scared."

The head tilt and narrowed gaze returned, and his eyes swept over her face.

"You're scared?" He repeated, and she drew her gaze away from his and back onto his chest. She couldn't look at him, because she was scared, and it was stupid and idiotic to be so, but she couldn't stop herself. "You're scared." This time it did not come off as a question; it was a mere statement of fact that she didn't even have to acknowledge for him to know that it was true.

But she needed to explain. She needed to tell him the why behind her fear. Maybe it would make it less, make it better somehow.

"The marks," she whispered, "everyone will see them."

He made another noise in the back of his throat.

"No one will know what they are, Kagome."

"But what if they find out? That I was, you know," her voice drifted off. She'd never been able to say it aloud. Somehow that made it oddly real and right now she could just regulate it off into the nightmare-scape that was her life for the past few weeks.

It was better—tolerable—now, but there was still the lingering fear and apprehension around everything.

"If they think less of you for that," he huffed, almost exasperated, "then they can fuck off. You're better than all those jerk-offs anyway."

She stared at him for a beat before giggling, noting that the tension in his frame released bit by bit; the hard look in his face dissipating.

"The uniform though," she mumbled. Her eyes drifted over to her closet where she knew her mother had hung the cleaned ones. There was no fix for that was there? If she wanted to go, she was going to just have to suck that one up, wasn't she?

"You don't have to." His voice was quiet as he drew her closer, wrapping his arms around her. She let her fingers curl into the extra fabric at his waist. "If it bothers you that much."

"I should though." She sighed, turning her head to rest her cheek on his chest. "I want everything to be normal again. School is part of that, right? If I went to school, then it would normal, right?"

"But really—I shouldn't have—you don't—"

"It's okay. It'll make everyone feel better, right?" She looked up at him and gave him a smile that she knew was fake, and he clearly knew it was too judging on how he tightened his grip and buried his face into her shoulder.

"I just wanted to know why," he mumbled into her shoulder, the heat of his breath sinking in through the fabric of her clothes.

"It'll make everyone else happy, so—" her voice drifted off, not quite convincing herself that this was the right path, but knowing it was the only one she really had to choose from. They were just words after all. It didn't matter if she meant them.

There would be no avoiding it forever. Eventually, she was going to have to make a choice. Inuyasha would too when he found out about Kikyo. But just because she was at a crossroads didn't mean that she couldn't delay. School now, Kikyo later. And in the meantime, she would figure something out.

He didn't say anything in response to that, instead opting to hold her for a little bit longer before her mother called her down for dinner.

Let them go, Kikyo!

They were mine first!

It felt like they were in a tug of war, each one with a firm grip over her reiki.

You cannot covet what is not yours, little girl!

I'm not a little girl! We're almost the same age! She was tired of always being less than. So she wasn't as old as Kikyo, so what? Wasn't like that made a huge difference in the end, did it?

She tugged her side harder, feeling Kikyo's grip slip for just a moment.

You don't even know how to use them properly! Kikyo tried to wrench her arms, trying to force Kagome into an even more awkward position, but it didn't work. You can not hide what is rightfully mine!

They haven't been yours for five hundred years! She let out a growl, gritting her teeth as she dug her heels in to prevent her from gaining any ground. You're dead! Let it go!

Kikyo's rage was a tangible thing, and she wrapped her hand around the length of reiki between them, before she gave up her hold on the ground and let Kagome's weight pull her forward, giving up ground.

I'll let go if it's the last thing I do! Kagome let go of one hand, rearing her arm back, before using what little strength she had left to plow it straight into the bridge of Kikyo's nose. Pain erupted up her arm, but Kikyo's grip failed, and she let go just enough that Kagome ripped her reiki out of her grip. Twirling as she fell away, clutching it to her chest, she fell back into the blackness that surrounded them.

Bolting up in her bed, she frisked herself, waiting to feel the soft and fluid feel of her reiki in a pool around her. She pressed her hands against the bedding, trying to reorient herself with what was happening; she pushed some reiki through her hands, watching as the familiar pink light surrounded her fingers.

It was still hers.

Right.

It had always been hers.

She closed her hands, effectively putting it back to rest.

It was hers and hers alone.

"Kagome?" Inuyasha asked from beside her, and she jumped and flinched at the sound of his voice so close to hers.

"I'm fine!" She answered, too loudly and too quickly for it to be true, and she grimaced at her own mistake.

"Hardly," he muttered, shifting so he was sitting on the edge of her bed. "What was it?"

"Just a bad dream," she said, staring at her hands. "That's all." She looked up at him, giving him a small smile. "Promise." She swallowed, feeling the soreness of her throat; she wanted a sip of water. Not to mention that her entire back felt damp with sweat.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked, and she shook her head.

"I barely even remember it, but I want to get a drink of water," she said, shifting to climb off the bed.

"Stay here, I'll get it." He rose from her bed turning towards the door.

"No, I can go!" She said, grabbing at his sleeve to prevent him from leaving. Something about it just felt wrong.

"It's no big deal, Kagome," he said, and she let her hands fall back into her sheets. "I'll get it." She watched him as he disappeared out her bedroom door and into the hallway. Letting out a low breath, she worked to keep the anxiety at bay, her nails picking at her cuticles in the quiet.

Why had she dreamed about Kikyo like that?

It was a dream that she'd had before. While they were breaking the curse, she'd dreamed of Kikyo then, trying to claim her reiki as her own, fighting her for it.

Which didn't make sense. Kikyo had her own reiki, so why would she want Kagome's? If anything, Kikyo proved that she was not only still powerful, but widely more skilled and trained in the arts of wielding her reiki.

So why try to pretend that they both belonged to her?

Did she want her completely powerless? And again, for what reason?

Inuyasha sat down on the edge of her bed, glass of water held precariously between two fingers at the rim, breaking her train of thought.

She looked up at him and then at the glass, before reaching out and taking it, staring before taking a sip.

"Kagome?" Her mother called from the other side of the door, surprising everyone. Kagome reflexively swallowed and breathed, choking in the process. Water dribbled down her chin, her eyes watered, her throat burned from the sputtering and coughing, and Inuyasha merely reached out and patted her between the shoulder blades, taking the glass of water from her before she dumped it all over her bed.

The door opened, and her mother stepped inside, looking at the two of them.

Why did it suddenly feel like they were doing something wildly inappropriate?

"Did it go down the wrong pipe?" Her mother asked, sitting opposite of Inuyasha.

Kagome nodded.

"The wrong pipe?"

"It's a saying. It means that the water didn't go down the right way."

He nodded, hand still moving across her back.

"Why are you both up at this hour?" She asked as Kagome's hacking died down to a loud clearing of the throat.

"Kagome woke up and wanted water. I was already awake."

"Ah," her mother answered with a smile. "Well, some sleep would do the both of you some good, I think," her mother offered, running her fingers through Kagome's bangs. "Good night, Kagome" she said, rising from the bed, and placing her hand between Inuyasha's ears. "Good night, Inuyasha."

"Night," they both mumbled together as her mother shut the door behind her.

Inuyasha's ears flickered constantly for a few minutes and a strange look passed in front of his face.

"You okay?" She asked him, and the sound of her voice seemed to restart his brain.

"Hmm? Yeah, fine." He turned towards her. "You heard your mother, sleep."

"Thought you wanted to talk," she muttered before reaching for the glass of water on her nightstand and taking another large sip.

"Kagome," he started, watching her sip from the glass. He started to say something, but then stopped himself, gritting his teeth together before looking away.

She looked at him, waiting for him to continue, but he obviously wasn't going to say anything else.

"Hey Inuyasha?" She spoke quietly, but she knew he heard every word that she spoke. His gaze and ears turned towards her, and this time, she looked away. Staring at her fingers, she picked at her nails, and Inuyasha's hand covered hers, squeezing and stopping her motions. Her eyes flickered up to him, smiling softly, albeit small. "Can you stay here? With me?"

He tilted his head at her request, obviously confused.

"If you're not going to sleep, can you stay up here with me?" He stared at her for a long moment before exhaling and nodding. She moved back closer to the wall, giving him space to sit comfortably. He pushed the pillow back against the headboard, extending his legs out in front of him. Kagome started to scoot closer, and then hesitated, unsure if she should or shouldn't.

Inuyasha uncrossed his arms, holding the left one out to her, offering her his leg as a pillow instead. She moved closer, gingerly resting her head on his thigh.

"You don't have to ask, you know," he mumbled, hand resting on her shoulder. His thumb ran across her shoulder, back and forth, back and forth. The heat of his hand permeated right through her blanket, and she let her body sag against his relishing the warmth and comfort of his protection, as she wound her arm around his knee, holding him close.

Kagome sat at her desk, struggling through her homework. It was a monumental task to get her brain to work on anything for an extended period of time. Mostly, she just sat there, knowing that she knew the answer, but unable to actually say it or in this case, write it down.

She knew that she'd told him that she would go to school, but the closer that time came, the more she really didn't want to go. She hadn't planned on going to school at all when they'd first returned; she didn't want to go. The idea of being trapped in that building without access to him made her heart race and her stomach turn, but was she supposed to tell him that?

"I don't want to go to school tomorrow," she blurted out, though her voice was quiet. And she cursed herself silently for it.

"What?" The question was sharp and pointed, and she knew that he'd heard every single syllable that she'd spoken.

Her pencil made a stray mark as she jolted at his question.

She'd thought about and decided that it was a bad plan. It was a genuinely awful idea for her to go back there, no matter if she wanted to go or not. Actually, it was mostly just the uniform. She kinda wanted to go to school; it was just the idea of putting on the uniform that made her stomach twist.

"I thought," she swallowed, snapping her pencil in her hand, "I thought we would go back tomorrow instead."

She didn't turn to face him as she spoke.

The sound of fabric shifting sounded like he was sitting up from where he'd been reclined on her bed. She'd honestly thought that he'd fallen asleep after being up all day.

"You should go to school though. Yesterday, you said you would." She could feel his eyes boring into her back, studying her, scrutinizing her choices, judging her for them.

"Inuyasha, we should really go back to shard hunting." It was an excuse and a terrible one at that. She had no leg to stand on. She had no reason to not go; they both knew that.

"Kagome," his voice slightly mocking at her use of his name, like a soft reprimand, "you should go to school."

Since—since when did he, of all people, demand her to go back to school?

"Inu—"

"Why are you fighting me on this?" He asked her in a low growl. "Why? We talked about this yesterday. You said you wanted everything to be normal again."

She flinched at that. She wanted it all to be normal so badly, but she couldn't—she knew that she needed to—she knew that—she just couldn't. Normalcy ran so much deeper than she ever realized, and the more she strove for it, the more she felt the threads unraveling under her fingertips. The weave of—of—of everything just unraveling and dissipating into the fog leaving her scrambling to follow it before it escaped her forever.

"I just—I just think that shard hunting is more important than going to school at the moment."

Coward, Kikyo's voice sneered.

There was a beat of silence between them, and she picked up the pieces of her pencil in the quiet, gently tossing them into the trash as she cleaned.

"Kagome," no mocking this time, "you said you wanted to go." She could hear the unspoken question in his statement.

"It's not that I don't want to," she explained, opening her drawer to get out another pencil. The soft slide of the wood the only sound between them.

"Then you should go."

She—she didn't have a response for that. She didn't have a real reason not to go.

"But the shards," she started, afraid to look back at him.

"The shards can wait for another day or two." He huffed a loud sigh before another bout of silence between them. Her hands shook, the pencil tip hovering over her workbook. The air felt thin again. "How about a comp-whatever?"

His voice broke the panic attack looming just a moment away.

"A compromise?" Her voice squeaked out as she took a trembling breath.

"Yeah, that," he said. "Hey, look at me." She pushed back a smidge before turning her chair to face him. He sat on her bed, legs hanging over the edge. "Go to school tomorrow, and then we can go back."

"You swear?"

He gave her a nod, and she exhaled slowly trying to calm everything that felt like it would vibrate straight out of her own body.

One day. She could suffer through and manage one day at school and then going back to her—his—the past.

She turned back around to hide her face as her heart beat so quickly in her chest, it felt like it would crumble and evaporate into the air.

The lead of her pencil wavered over her latest problem, and she fought herself on answering it.

"Okay," she whispered, unwilling to argue the point further. She wanted normal, and she was getting exactly what she wished for.

Coward, Kikyo's voice repeated, high and mighty and righteous, you'll never be anything more.

A/N: So I hope you guys all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and enjoyed spending time with your loved ones. Thank you so much for being understanding about the pause last week. I'm really thankful for all of you, and it makes me so happy that you enjoy this story so much. Can you believe that we're already at 40 chapters for this thing? I hope that you guys enjoy the chapter, and I'll see you next week!