Chapter 43
Experientia docet
"Experience teaches"

"Go wisely and slowly.
Those who rush stumble and fall."
—Romeo and Juliet

Kagome should have known that this was not going to be easy. She should have known that despite her reiki actually functioning normally now—now that she knew her issues before weren't normal—this still would be a feat in it's own.

Apparently, she was incapable of focusing at all.

And without focus, there was no creating a barrier.

Miroku was trying and that was just making it so much worse, because she was failing again, and this time the cards were actually in her favor.

She didn't understand why. Why was this so difficult? Why was this such a struggle for her? Why could she learn algebra and not be able to do this one little thing that according to Miroku was one of the first things that they trained children—children—how to do?

Was she really that inept?

Yes.

Huffing angrily at herself, she tried to imagine her reiki forming the barrier, the dome shape around herself, only to get a few sparkles and some glowing jazz hands out of it.

"Why am I not getting this?" She groaned in exasperation.

"These things take time," Miroku explained.

"You said you teach this to children," she countered, "so how is it that I'm not able to get it?"

She flopped backwards onto the ground, staring at the sky overhead.

Maybe she really was useless except for firing the occasionally properly aimed arrow. At this rate, they'd be dead before she ever figured it out.

Miroku hummed, and she turned her head towards him as he glanced off towards the side.

"It's a matter of concentration, and you've never had to focus this hard on your reiki before."

Obviously, he didn't realize that it was hard to focus without something there to guide it.

"It's only been two days since you started, and you're trying diligently. You've made progress, whether you want to admit it or not."

"It really doesn't feel like it."

"You're still healing, Kagome. No one masters this in a day."

But it hadn't been a day, it had been months and months of reiki use, and she was still no better than a literal toddler.

There were six year olds who could out reiki her, and that was utterly demoralizing.

"Perhaps we should take a break today. I'm sure that Sango is looking for some attention."

"She's out training with Inuyasha."

Sango had insisted on taking the hanyou out for a bit to make him work off some of his excess energy, because she was tired of him stalking around like a certain pervert they all knew—and loved, but still a pervert.

"Well, the both of them did need to get some of their frustrations out. Neither of them are great at meditating."

The notion that Inuyasha could sit still enough and meditate made her snort. Well, he could sit still, but the meditating part? She was pretty sure that the scowl on his face was his default.

It had taken her almost a month after their first meeting to realize that that scowl was literally just how his face looked, like he was perpetually unhappy with everything in the world and everyone in it.

In all fairness, he didn't do it as much as before; his scowl was lessening, returning more and more to an impassive look.

"Speaking of, how about we both spend some time clearing our minds?"

She rolled her head to look at him. Meditation didn't seem like a feasible thing at the moment, but why not attempt to disappoint herself further?

Pushing herself up, she dusted her hands off of the dirt and grass before situating herself, mirroring Miroku's stance.

Letting out a slow breath, she tried to focus on nothing.

However, everything else got in the way.

The lingering feelings of youki that permeated the air, the sound of Miroku breathing, and the rustle of the wind. The knowledge that she was so far behind in her classes that catching up was going to become an insurmountable task, one that she hadn't made easier by fleeing her time like she had, even though it really couldn't be helped. Well, it could; she just didn't want to attempt it. The disappointment from Miroku at not doing better; he had to be disappointed. Her mother too. Miroku always tried to work with her and be patient, but if she was frustrated, he had to be too.

And then there was that little box sitting in her bag. She'd packed it, too afraid to leave it at home, lest her mother discover it when she went cleaning or digging. She'd been tempted to test herself, because she knew that—that pregnancy was a possibility—she knew where babies came from after all. That was common knowledge in her time.

However, the idea that she could be pregnant was not something that she had really considered until their trip to the store. Now, the little thought would wriggle, intrude at the most opportune times, just to pop in and say, "Hmm, maybe?" and then wait while the question would fester and fester until she almost felt the urge to get the box out and go check for herself.

But there was some peace in not knowing. If she never tested, she would never know one way or another. Sure, she might not be pregnant, but the idea that it was a possibility made her skin crawl.

Right now, it was Schroedinger's baby.

And if she was pregnant, then what would she do?

She didn't—she didn't know if she could keep such a thing, but the idea of killing it made her sick to her stomach. It was a child; it hadn't done anything wrong except be the by product of something undesired and unwanted.

So what would she do?

She wouldn't be able to hide the evidence of it for long, and she couldn't exactly go home without admitting something since she was too young to see someone who could—you know, make it go away. What would her mother even say? Her grandfather? And if everyone at school found out then she could just kiss any chance of her getting into a decent high school or—God forbid—if she could even try for college at this rate, and—

"Kagome?" Miroku's voice drifted over to her, calm and undisturbed by his thoughts.

"What?" She tried to keep her tone neutral, but that seemed to fail her just a bit, her words coming out almost snappish.

"I can hear you thinking from here."

"No you can't."

"Fine, but I can tell by your face that you're obviously upset about something."

"I'm meditating. I'm thinking about nothing."

He didn't answer immediately, and she tried to school her face into something that wasn't so obvious and easily read.

"You seem stressed."

Cracking an eye open, she looked at him, sitting serenely and focusing on himself. Like she should be doing, but was instead pondering on her terrible life situation and how things had gotten so supremely out of hand.

"Care to talk about it?"

"I'm fine, Miroku."

Miroku hummed, eyes still closed.

"That's doubtful."

She glared at him as he sat across from her.

"You can be angry with me for saying so, but you are not fine," he pointed out. And okay, he might be right, but that didn't mean that he had to actually say the words out loud. "I should reiterate that there are no expectations for you from any of us." His eyes were still closed, and he let out a small sigh of disappointment. "I am your friend, and it hurts that you will not confide in me."

She opened her mouth to retort, but then stopped herself. Miroku wasn't actually wrong. She really wasn't fine, even though she kept telling herself that she was. But admitting that aloud was—that was something else entirely, and she'd only just managed to sew herself back together with the most careless of stitches that any pressure at all threatened to tear her apart.

Miroku hadn't moved, almost seeming to slip back into his meditative trance, and she couldn't tell if he had or hadn't.

Maybe that's why she was so terrible at meditating; she was too easy to read.

A blip of youki ran across the back of her mind, and she could feel him off in the trees, watching over her like he always did. He must've quit training with Sango, and moved to be closer to her.

In fact, it was still moving closer. The branches over her shook, and she glanced up to see a familiar spot of red sitting in the branches.

He didn't say anything, instead opting to just sit there and watch.

A glance at Miroku showed him looking up into the trees as well.

"Nice of you to join us, Inuyasha," Miroku said, before turning back to her. "Perhaps we should show him what we've done so far."

Kagome grimaced, tongue sticking out.

"It's not like it's impressive or anything."

"Maybe not, but it is progress nonetheless," Miroku paused, waiting. "Go ahead, show him. We both know he's dying to see."

She looked up into the branches again, searching for him.

"Can you at least come down so I can see you?"

The branches rustled again, and she saw him land on the branch just above her and stretch out on his stomach to look down at her. He looked more cat-like than dog.

"Ready?" Miroku asked.

"You're not going to be bothered by all the reiki?" She asked him, and he shrugged at her question.

"Hasn't bothered me since we broke the curse." He motioned for her to continue.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to pull her reiki out and into something that resembled a dome. It covered her hands, stretching and retracting in waves. It moved like something gelatinous. After a few moments, she let out a defeated sigh as it disappeared back into her.

"That's more than you've done before," Inuyasha commented. "What're you so upset about?"

"I'm supposed to be some powerful priestess, and I can't do something a kid could. That's what I'm upset about."

She avoided saying her name, because that would only dredge up bad things between them. His love for the dead priestess and her fear of the same thing.

She hadn't thought about it, but now that they were back. Kikyo had to know, right? She always seemed to know just where they were. She couldn't find them in the future, but in the past? That was a more than a possibility.

She just wanted to live her life, so why were so many people making that so difficult?

"So?" Inuyasha asked.

"So, what?" She asked, and he shook his head.

"You didn't grow up here. No one even thinks that youkai and reiki exists in your time. It's not like you had anyone to train you. Besides, even kids take time to learn too."

Kagome nearly gaped at him.

How dare he make sense.

How dare he say something smart and inspiring.

Surprisingly, she found herself tending to want to wallow in her own failures instead of getting her feet under herself and pushing herself back up, like she'd always done before.

Maybe she was more broken than she initially thought.

"I don't know about you, but," Miroku stretched his arms over his head, "I believe I am done with practicing for the day. Let's get back at it tomorrow." He pushed himself to his feet, holding his hand out to her.

A rustle of cloth and a flash of red moved into her peripheral vision, nudging Miroku aside, and holding out his own hand.

"Go bother Sango," was all he said.

"Hmm, I believe that I will do just that then," he gave a short wave as he walked towards where they'd been sparring just a short bit ago. "Have fun you two."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Inuyasha shouted after him, growling, which ceased when Kagome grabbed his hand.

He looked away from the retreating monk and towards her as he hauled her to her feet effortlessly.

"How're you feeling? Lecher didn't wear you out again?"

"No, I'm just frustrated that this is taking so long. Like this is supposed to be the easy part! I'm even in more control of my reiki than I was before, and I still can't do it." She shuttered the next few words in her mouth. I'm a useless failure. They didn't need to be said.

But not saying them didn't make them not true.

Inuyasha didn't say anything for a moment, and she grabbed his hand, letting her thumb rub along the edge of his finger.

"Come on, let's go back to the village." She tugged him along lightly, and he thankfully followed without protest or resistance.

They arrived at Kaede's, and Kagome was surprised by the sudden attack from Sango.

"Kagome, we need some girl time," she insisted, holding onto her hands. "Let's go to the hot springs. Just you and me." Sango leveled a look at Inuyasha, almost daring him to disagree with her.

"If you think—"

"Kagome will be with me, and you know I just handed you your ass with Hiraikotsu, so don't even claim that she'll be unprotected." She looked back at Kagome. "What do you say?"

A quick glanced at Inuyasha proved that he was not handling Sango's tirade well.

"Sounds fun," Kagome said. "Just give me a minute?" She darted her eyes in the direction of Inuyasha, and Sango gave her a small smile.

"Sure, I'll grab your bag, okay?"

A quick nod sent Sango on her way.

"Inuyasha," she started, moving towards him. It was meant to be placating, but she needed to talk to someone who understood her need to prove herself against others.

"I don't like it," he snapped, staring at the place where Sango had been a moment ago.

"Well, to be fair, you don't like most things. At least not at first." She smiled. "I think the only exception was ramen."

He made some sort of noise in the back of his throat, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"It's just," he started, cutting himself off as his ears went sideways, and he looked away from her.

"It makes you uneasy?" She asked, and he gave her a short nod. "It makes me a little uneasy too, but I can't be scared all the time, you know?"

He grumbled a little bit, looking away.

"I've gone off with Sango before, and everything was fine. We're just going to go bathe and then we'll come right back."

"You're sure that you're okay with this?" He asked. She glanced back at the hut. She wasn't really, but she knew she had to cut the umbilical cord at some point. It wasn't like she could always rely on him. She had to learn to stand on her own two feet again. It wasn't fair to Inuyasha to make him do everything for her, no matter the feelings it gave her, like they were a couple, it wasn't her place to demand it of him.

She nodded.

"It's the only way that I'll become better, you know?" His fingers wrapped around hers, pulling them away from where she'd started picking at her nails. "If I don't push myself, I'll never grow."

He sighed, letting go of her fingers.

"Fine," he mumbled after a long, tense moment. "Fine, but—" He cut himself off, shaking his head slightly.

"I'll be fine, and we'll be back long before evening, okay?" She grabbed onto his sleeve, clenching it in her fist.

"You trying to convince me or yourself?" He asked, and she stared at him for a moment before turning to look at the ground, away from the intensity of his gaze. So me days it felt like she was looking into the core of the sun, blinding and radiant all at the same time.

She gave him a shrug, and he suddenly drew her into a hug, squeezing her tightly as she sighed at the contact.

"Don't push yourself," he whispered, and she nodded, reaching up to grab onto his sleeve as he let her go.

"You ready?" Sango asked, holding up the bath tote.

"Yeah, just let me get some clothes."

She pulled away from Inuyasha and headed into the hut where Kaede was working, flashing a small smile and then into the storage room to find her bag. She dug out a set of clothes and underwear before jogging back out where she saw Inuyasha with his arms crossed and scowling at Sango.

"What is it?"

An ear flicked in her direction, before he pulled his glare away and looked off towards the trees.

"Nothing," he responded, and Sango turned towards her.

"Ready?" She asked, holding the tote open so she could put her clothes inside.

Kagome nodded, and Kirara leapt off Sango's shoulder, transforming mid-leap. She purred, sinking to her belly to allow them to climb onto her back. Sango climbed on with absolute ease, and turning towards Kagome clearly about to offer her hand. However, two clawed hands grabbed her waist, hoisting her up to sit on Kirara's back. She fought back the shiver when a claw ran along the skin of her back and how hot his hands had been, even through the fabric of her shirt.

"You ready?" Sango asked, and Kagome snaked her arms around Sango to steady herself for take off.

"All good!" She chirped, turning to hide the blush that was cresting across her cheeks.

Kirara leapt into the air, heading for their usual spot.

"What were you and Inuyasha arguing about?" Kagome asked once she was sure that they were out of hearing range. Though she was never entirely sure because Inuyasha seemed to always know what they were saying.

"Oh, nothing. Just ensuring that we would have some uninterrupted girl time. He wanted to follow and run a perimeter, and I told him no."

"He's just worried."

"He can worry all he wants, but that doesn't mean that we don't get some semblance of privacy every now and then. Besides, you're with me and Kirara. It's not like you're completely defenseless even if I am human, as he not so gently pointed out. I've been slaying demons since I was, what, twelve? I know what I'm doing, and I'm more than capable of protecting the both of us."

Kagome smiled at her friend's obvious irritation.

"I have a good mind just to go pick a fight with something big and drag the carcass back to him just to prove that I can do something by myself. Honestly." Sango let out a huff, and Kagome tried desperately to muffle her laughter.

"Are you laughing at me?"

"What? No! Never!" Kagome cleared her throat. "I know that he didn't mean it that way. He's just worried about us."

Sango made a noise in her throat, facing forward, letting the subject drop for the moment.

Kagome knew that it was far from over though. She just hoped that Sango wouldn't interrogate her too badly when they arrived.

The bath was lovely. The steaming hot water soothed her muscles, and she felt a few joints crackle when she stretched. Her leg felt less stiff like this too.

Letting out a sigh as she sank into the water, she let the heat roll through her, easing her knots and tension.

Sango let out a low groan as she sank into the water.

"This feels amazing," she moaned, letting her head fall back gently on the rocks behind her.

"You're telling me," Kagome agreed.

They sat in silence, listening to the sound of the wind and the trees around them.

"So," Sango started, and Kagome cracked an eye open to look at her warily. "You and Inuyasha—" She let the statement drop.

"What about it?"

"You two seem close. Well, closer than normal."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"What happened in your time?"

"Nothing really. I visited my family, went to school. We went shopping to resupply my bag, and then we came here. It was only a few days."

"Hmmm, no. Something's changed."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Everything is the same as it's always been." She paused. "If you're so eager to talk about relationships, let's talk about you and Miroku."

Sango eyed her for a moment before shifting topics.

"Well, then what about training? Miroku said you've been making a lot more progress."

"Hardly. I still can't form a barrier."

"It's been two days, Kagome."

"No, it's been like a year, Sango."

"Yes, but you've never been able to manifest reiki like you can now."

"It's still not doing me any good though. I can't make it do anything." She held her hands up, glaring at them for failing her before dropping them back into the water with a small splash. "Miroku keeps explaining it and showing me how to do it, and I just can't. It's like my reiki just won't listen to me. I do exactly what he says, and there's nothing to show for it. I'm surprised he hasn't given up on me yet. I wouldn't blame him if he did."

"He's not going to give up on you. He's starting you with the basics."

"And I'm failing at the basics."

"You're not failing, Kagome."

"Really? Because not being able to do the thing that you're asked to do seems an awful lot like failing."

"Look, do you think that I succeeded at everything on the first try when I was training to be a slayer? No. In fact, my father didn't even want me to be a slayer. I had to prove to him that I was strong enough and capable enough to do it."

Sango never spoke of her village like this or of her family, and Kagome listened with rapt attention.

"He tried training me with Hiraikotsu, showing me how to move and twist, and each time, I threw it, it wouldn't come back or it would go the wrong way."

"So what happened?"

Sango shrugged.

"He said that if I couldn't master it, then I couldn't be a slayer, and restoring weapons was just as important as slaying demons. I could mix poisons, work the forge, all things capable of someone who wasn't good at using weapons." She let out a sigh, staring at the sky. "So each night, I'd sneak out into the woods with Kirara, and I'd practice."

"And you got better?"

Sango let out a snort.

"No, not at all. After a month, I was pretty much convinced that he was right and I was never going to be a slayer. I was so angry with myself that I literally just threw Hiraikotsu into the trees, intent on leaving it there for someone to come get in the morning."

"And, did you?"

"Didn't have to," she turned to Kagome grinning, "because it came back to me."

"So what changed?"

"It took me a while, weeks if I remember right, to figure it out, but my father was teaching me to throw like a man did, and since I am not a man, it required different movements to compensate." She exhaled softly. "I went out on my first mission a couple months later, and I've been a slayer ever since."

"So I should get angry and see if that fixes my problem."

"No," Sango said, giving her a hard side eye, "it occurred to me that maybe Miroku is teaching you the right things but the wrong way."

"Like I'm different from him and Kaede?"

"You're from the future, so maybe your reiki is different? Maybe it just functions differently now. Who knows?"

"But Miroku might be teaching me wrong?"

Sango shrugged.

"It's a thought."

"When did you become so wise?"

"You may refer to me as Sango-sensei from now on," she said with a snort and a broad wave of her arms.

"Miroku already suggested that, and Inuyasha punched him."

Sango laughed at that.

"He deserved it, I'm sure. He usually does."

"Usually," Kagome agreed.

There was a brief lull in the conversation as Kagome mulled over what Sango had told her.

Teaching the right things but the wrong way.

It was a possibility, and even if it was reaching at straws, she'd take whatever she could get.

"So, Inuyasha has been awfully touchy with you lately."

Kagome blamed the flush in her cheeks on the heat of the water.

"Yeah," she admitted, feeling badly that she was using him the way she was. It really wasn't right. He probably didn't even like it, and she was forcing it on him without his consent. He might not even know that he could tell her no and it would be fine. Or, worse yet, he felt bad enough for her that he just let her do whatever. Actually, she wasn't sure if that was worse or not. Him not caring at all was probably the worst. Indifference from him would be genuinely awful.

"Kagome? What did I say?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it. It's me," Kagome said, shooing off her words with a wave of the hand.

"So, talk to me."

"It's just—I don't even know how to explain it," Kagome moaned. "I—He—" She let out a low groan, covering her face as Sango shifted closer in the water until she could rest a hand on Kagome's shoulder.

"This has to do with Inuyasha touching you?" Sango asked, and Kagome nodded. "Because it upsets you?"

"No!" Kagome yelled in surprise, head jerking up to look at Sango.

"It doesn't bother you?" She asked, and Kagome shook her head.

"It doesn't, really. It's—It's me."

"You don't want him touching you?"

"No! I mean, yes, but not like that!"

Sango just stared blank faced at her for a moment before shaking her own head.

"We'll pretend like that made some sort of sense," Kagome let out a low moaning sound, ducking her hands back into face, "So you want Inuyasha touching you, but you don't want him touching you?"

Oh God, she was going to have to say it, wasn't it?

"I don't mind it, but I want him to want to?"

"I'm pretty sure Inuyasha is touching you because he wants to," Sango replied quickly with a laugh.

"You don't know that!"

"Oh, Inuyasha is not going to touch someone he doesn't want to touch, unless it involves hitting them with his fists."

"What if he's just being nice and I'm taking advantage of him?"

Sango let out a loud laugh at that.

"Trust me when I say that Inuyasha wouldn't let just anyone touch him like that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He lets you touch the important parts of him. His hands and arms, the pieces that are vulnerable. He lets you stand behind him. He lets you anywhere near his vital organs."

She looked at Kagome before huffing loudly.

"What I'm saying is that you're not taking advantage of him."

"I don't know, Sango."

"Kagome, believe me when I say that you touching Inuyasha is probably the opposite of a problem for him."

She turned her gaze away from her friend, still blushing madly.

"I'm going to wash," she said quietly, dipping her head beneath the surface of the water. Kagome smiled at the thought that maybe her touch wasn't as unwarranted as she initially thought.

Maybe the world wasn't as bleak as she thought.

A/N: So I'm going to apologize if this is up to my usual quality of editing. The bronchitis and zinc toxicity have been kicking my butt. The bronchitis is much better (like I might only need the inhaler for a few more days-hopefully!), but the zinc thing is taking its sweet time in correcting itself. Yesterday was our first day of the semester, and it was just a genuinely terrible day (the kids weren't even that bad-it was just everything else). So bear with me while I attempt to figure out how to navigate my current circumstances.