Chapter 46
Ignis aurum proat, miseria fortes viros
"Fire provides proof of gold; misery, proof of strong men"
"He stepped down,
trying not to look long at her,
as if she were the sun,
yet he saw her, like the sun,
even without looking."
–– Anna Karenina
What was with Sango and trying to kick his ass?
Sango had been diligently dragging him off to go 'train' which basically amounted to her trying to slice and dice and smash him to pieces for hours at a time.
It wouldn't have been so bad, except that Sango was fucking good at what she did. So he actually had to try, which mean that he had to focus on what Sango was doing rather than trying to watch for Kagome and Miroku, which is what he wanted to do.
Sango swung Hiraikotsu towards his head, and he turned his focus back at the fight at hand.
"Quit getting distracted!" She shouted at him, swiping at him again. He narrowly leapt back just out of her reach. He growled, ducking under her next swing, and throwing a punch towards her gut. She deftly evaded him, blocking his punch with her arm.
They both leapt back towards each other, continuing to fight without meaning any of it.
Sango dragged him out every day while Kagome and Miroku went off to try and train.
He knew that she wasn't far off, and he'd been scouting the area daily to make sure that there were no youkai nearby. She was safe with Miroku on top of that. The monk knew that he'd rip him limb from limb if he didn't keep her safe.
And he'd hear her if anything happened.
He knew all of this, but there was little stopping him from the worrying anyway. Hell, he didn't even know what worrying was until he met Kagome. That woman had taken years off his life in the time that he'd known her. And in the past couple of months?
If he didn't have gray hair already, he was sure that it would've turned gray from the sheer stress alone. He wouldn't be surprised if his human night showed a few in his black hair.
And then Sango keeps dragging him away.
To help him 'work off his excess energy.' It's not 'excess energy;' it's him not being able to fucking touch her without someone leering eyes towards the two of them. Everyone always stared at them when they walked through the village, and he knew that it was him. He knew that they were judging her for being with him.
He didn't want to give her up, but he wasn't going to subject her to what his mother went through either.
And she's off with Miroku. Not that he didn't trust Miroku, but it wasn't him protecting her. He needed to make sure that she was safe.
And his demon was nearly frothing at the mouth because there had been very little touching since they'd returned in the past week.
He felt like he was in fucking withdrawal.
He ducked another swipe of Hiraikotsu, swiping at Sango, making her leap backwards to avoid his claws.
There was a blip across his senses.
Kagome was here.
And the fact that he was practically vibrating with excitement at the idea should've made him question his sanity.
"We're done!" Kagome called, and Inuyasha left the fight almost immediately to leap towards her.
"Inuyasha!" Sango shouted in annoyance, and he waved her off over his shoulder.
"How'd you do?" He asked the moment he landed beside her, noting that her fingers had wrapped around his wrist, hiding underneath the billowing sleeve of his fire rat.
"I still can't do it," she mumbled, not meeting his eyes, like he was somehow going to be ashamed of her or something.
"She did manage to extend her reiki around her hand though. That's progress."
"It took me like an hour though! I'll be dead by the time I actually can make a full barrier!"
Something hot and furious washed over him at the statement, a visceral feeling, though fleeting, like a silent snarl, was malevolent enough to disturb him. He shook his head marginally to erase it.
"You okay?" Kagome asked, looking up at him, squeezing his wrist slightly. He brows had scrunched together as she studied his face.
"Keh, fine," he answered, wrapping his fingers around hers under the cover of his sleeve.
That statement. The thought of her dying, just made his youki flounder and surge all at the same time, and it made everything feel off kilter.
He—he couldn't imagine a life where she wasn't here. He always wanted her here.
"Show me what you did!" Sango said, eagerly slinging Hiraikotsu over her shoulder and pressing her hands together, silently pleading with Kagome for her to show them.
Sango had given him the needed distraction to right his senses, calm them.
"Don't expect too much. It's not that impressive."
Kagome pulled her hand away from his and closed her eyes. The glow of her reiki started almost immediately, but it just wavered, shifting around her hand like water in a glass.
Her brow furrowed again, and he could hear her heart beat and her breathing pick up in her stress and exertion.
But he watched her face, and he could tell the moment that it started working, because her face, her adorable little face, scrunched up more with the effort, and then it happened.
Her hands glowed brighter, as she pushed more of her reiki out, and it tried, attempting to hold itself in a singular shape, but trembling and breaking out again and again.
It was a few minutes before it finally shaped itself into a somewhat circular shape and held. Kagome's eyes fluttered open as she held her hand out towards them as proof. She had done it.
She'd formed this tiny, little barrier, but she'd done it.
He could see the pride in her face. She was proud of herself, albeit a little embarrassed.
He'd never wanted to kiss her as badly as he did now. Sweep her up and give a celebratory whoop as he spun her around and smother her in kisses as she laughed—
Right, normal. That was not something normal Inuyasha did. Normal Inuyasha did not kiss Kagome.
His eyes flickered to her lips and then back up.
Normal Inuyasha didn't willingly kiss anyone.
He frowned—he should really start to change that about himself, because he really wanted to—
Right. Normal.
Why was normal suddenly so fucking hard?
"I know it's small, but you don't have to look so disappointed," Kagome muttered under her breath, and his ears went back at the comment.
"I'm not," he almost whined. He wasn't disappointed; he was so fucking proud of her. She'd managed to do that in a few days, not weeks or months! He was so fucking proud!
"Kagome! This is so good!" Sango cooed, reaching out and pressing a finger against the edge of the bubble. It flexed under her finger slightly, and Kagome grimaced at the effort it took to hold the shape. Sango withdrew her finger, but Inuyasha jabbed his claw at it, watching in mild horror and relief as he passed right through it.
Kagome didn't even seem to feel the intrusion of his youki to her barrier.
"What're you doing?" She cried, snatching her hand away, letting the reiki bubble burst and grabbing his hand, that was completely and utterly fine. No burns, no singes. Nothing.
It hadn't even felt like he was sticking his hand into anything at all. Which was—disturbing?
He shouldn't be immune to reiki. He was hanyou. He should've been burned, scalded at the very least. But he wasn't; he wasn't burned at all.
Was there something wrong with him?
Her fingers ran over the healthy skin, lightly brushing, skimming the surface, and he internalized the shiver as much as he could, snapping his fingers closed over hers to stop her examination.
She jumped at the sudden grip, looking up at him.
"Interesting," Miroku mused. "You weren't burned at all by her reiki?" He raised an eyebrow, and Inuyasha dropped her hand quickly.
Because that's what normal Inuyasha would've done.
Miroku couldn't find out because then nothing—nothing—would be safe or secret, and whatever this was, it needed to be both of those things.
"Keh, what of it?"
"Wouldn't you consider that an abnormality?" Miroku asked.
"Ain't like it's a bad thing," Inuyasha scoffed, crossing his arms back in front of his chest.
"But what if something's wrong?" Kagome asked, a hand placed on his bicep as she looked up at him briefly, before turning to the monk. "Do you think something's wrong?"
"I feel fine," he emphasized the word 'fine' because he was. There was literally not a thing wrong with him, except that he was irrevocably in love with Kagome and couldn't do anything about it.
There was a time and place for such things, and his time and place it seemed was fucking never.
"But what if—"
"Kagome, I'm fine. Let it go," he told her. The question was concerning and one that he'd been mulling over since the curse broke.
What if he was immune to reiki? He'd never heard of such a thing, but there was a shit-ton of stuff that he'd never even considered possible that had happened in the last few months. So who knew if developing an immunity to reiki was something that was feasible?
It wasn't like there was a youkai anywhere that he could go ask that would give him a straight answer. He didn't even know if there was an answer out there.
Reiki was supposed to be the fundamental opposite of youki; the two weren't meant to be compatible. But his hand sliding through Kagome's barrier, didn't even try to purify him.
Maybe there was something wrong with her reiki?
What if there was something wrong with her?
What if that was the reason that she wasn't getting better?
Kaede would've said something if she noticed.
He should've told her to go to a healer in her time; they would be able to tell, right?
Unless it wasn't something physical. What if was her reiki—her reiki-generating thing or what-not?
Kaede would be able to tell—she would. He'll—he'd ask her when they got back to the hut. Should be getting close to dinner time anyway.
His hand snuck out from underneath his sleeve, reaching for Kagome's to reassure himself that she was in fact fine and okay.
She had to be okay.
Kagome turned towards him, and he met her gaze for a moment before turning away. Miroku and Sango walked ahead of them, and he felt himself trembling with a strange urge.
He'd been distancing himself here, but not without purpose.
He'd stayed away from her, especially at night, trying to make sure that no one accused her of impropriety. He'd allowed himself to blur the lines too much while they stayed in her time, and here, where eyes were always watching, he had to be on guard. He had to protect her.
She needed to be constantly protected.
She needed to be safe.
"Hey, Sango," Kagome called. "I'm gonna go on a walk for a few minutes."
Sango stopped walking, giving her a slight frown.
"Do you want me to go with you?"
Kagome shook her head.
"Inuyasha is coming with me. I'll be fine."
"Don't be long."
"Remember what we talked about Kagome," Miroku sang with a wave.
"What's he talking about?" Inuyasha asked her, as she grabbed his hand, dragging him off to the tree line.
"Don't worry about him. He's an idiot."
Inuyasha glanced over his shoulder, watching the others disappear as they did the same within the safety of the trees.
She let out a soft huff before speaking.
"So, care to explain, what—"
He wrapped his fingers around her wrist and dragged her back against him, throwing his arms around her and crushing her against his chest.
Fuck.
Kagome's own arms slunk around his waist.
Yeessssss.
His inner demon had practically melted into a puddle as soon as he'd crushed her against him.
"Inuyasha?" She asked after a long moment, and he froze. He'd just grabbed her, and he hadn't asked her permission, but he wasn't about to let her go. Not yet.
He hadn't realized that he'd been so starved for physical attention. He'd gotten so used to it in her time, but they had privacy there.
But he'd also always let her initiate it—but he needed it now.
He'd been keeping his distance at night, staying against the wall to guard the doorway, and not take advantage of her.
Not that he would—he would never do that to her. He could never. It was just that people noticed things and they talked, and he never—never—wanted her to hear anything like what they had said in other places.
He'd heard all of it.
But the not touching? That felt like he was being—being—he didn't even fucking know what the word was for it—only that it felt like slowly burning and freezing to death at the same time.
So he'd resorted to whatever the fuck this was.
He ducked his head into her shoulder, taking a deep and lingering inhale of her.
Kagome sighed, pressing her face into his neck as she held onto him.
"Are you okay?" She asked, still holding onto him.
He almost laughed at that.
Was he okay?
No.
He was not okay.
He loved her, and he couldn't find the fucking courage to tell her, because he was hanyou, and she was something so much better than him. Something that deserved so much better than him.
But he was better now at least.
He managed a feeble nod instead of speaking, and that seemed to pass with her for the moment.
"You're sure?" She asked again, and his response was the same: a nod.
She was warm and safe, and he just resonated with that. Everything that had been irritated, chafed really, was now soothed, like she'd run her hand over the fur on his ears and set it to rights.
"I missed you too," she whispered, and he tugged her tighter against him.
He had his reasons for staying away, but that didn't mean that he had to like them. But he would stay with her no matter the circumstances, and offer her what little he had: himself, his fire rat, and his Tetsusaiga.
They stood like that for a bit longer, before he convinced all of his pieces to let her go. It took her stomach growling for his body to be reasoned with, and he lifted his head, feeling half-drunk on her. He'd only been drunk twice in all his life, but he knew what that felt like.
It was a type of inebriation that he didn't mind at all.
He sat leaned against the door way as they all bedded down for the night. He'd made sure that she was warm and comfortable, had plenty of blankets to fight against the cold, and her sleeping bag, and then—and only then—he'd allowed himself to settle down against the wall where he could watch her and and doors.
Shippo slunk up the wall behind him, and Inuyasha's head snapped towards him, eyes narrowing in warning. The little shit hissed at him but darted towards Sango and Kirara.
No one slept with her.
No one.
Not even little kits.
He had three other people to sleep with. It didn't have to be her.
Because if he couldn't sleep with her, then no one could.
The night was quiet, as it had been and should be.
She needed to sleep. Hence why he was booting out nesting little kitsunes so they would stop bothering her.
She needed to sleep, and she needed to eat.
And he needed to ignore the part of him that was practically pacing, urging him to go sit closer to her, or drag her closer to him. She could sleep on him, and that would solve lots of problems. For both of them.
He shoved that voice deep down in the depths, ignoring it as much and as long as he could.
Letting his head fall forwards, he attempted to doze despite his body protesting the loneliness of it.
The slide of fabric is what woke him. His ears flickered at the sound, and he heard Kagome slowly climb out of bed.
This had become a new nightly ritual for her.
That first night, she'd almost made it past him before he'd realized she thought he was still asleep. Instead of reacting, he'd let her go, remaining in place, because he knew that she'd look back to see if he was there. And then, once she thought she'd gotten away with it, she'd continue.
But he'd followed her, sliding out of the mat, leaping to the roof and hiding behind the ridge, the night keeping him out of her human sight.
She was probably just going off to pee in the woods. He got it. Sometimes you just had to go take a piss in the middle of the night. He's done it. People do that. It's a thing.
But most people also didn't have an obsessive hanyou that followed them everywhere intent on making sure that nothing—and he meant nothing—happened to them.
He watched her creep to the edge of the trees, intent on following when she went further in, but he had to wait because if she saw him, he'd be sat into oblivion and then there definitely would be no more touching for a while.
And he needed the touching.
Definitely needed the touching.
He should probably be doing more of the touching.
He should definitely do more of the touching.
But then, she stopped, staring the hut before sitting down, and flaring her reiki about her. He watched as she struggled with whatever she was trying to do, but also watching her because he knew that there were other things that would be attracted to her reiki too. And she was a beacon in the night.
He watched her as the night passed, before she let out an exasperated sigh, and he could see her shoulders slump as if disappointed in herself.
She looked up at the sky before she started to stand, and he knew that he would be found out if he didn't hurry and get back into the hut before she noticed that he was gone.
Leaping down from the roof, he darted through the mat, reaching down to hold it back in place as she dusted herself off and started back towards the hut. He crept back in, waiting until she was only a few steps away before taking up the same position as before.
What was she doing?
Why did she feel that she had to do it in secret?
He watched her settle back into her blankets, and he'd hoped that she would sleep, but she remained restless until morning.
But then it became a thing. She would wander out—at fucking night of all times—play a little with her reiki, sigh, groan, and make other noises of frustration before giving up and returning back to the hut, where she seemed to think no one else had any idea of her little escapades.
But he watched her carefully as she sat down at the edge of the trees, and played with her reiki, clearly trying to form a barrier.
The bigger issue though is that she wasn't sleeping, and he was distinctly aware of the dark circles developing under her eyes.
She was restless in the times before she traipsed out into the wilderness, and she was restless after she came back. He just couldn't figure out why. She wasn't in danger. She wasn't being threatened by anything or anyone—she'd never been out of sight of any of them for any length of time. She was always watched.
He stiffened as the thought ran through his head unbidden.
Maybe that was the problem?
Kagome had spent a lot of time alone after the—attack. Maybe she just needed space?
Biting back the whine bubbling up in his throat, the idea that she would need space from him was nearly intolerable. It was hard enough just maintaining what little contact he had. If he had to put any more space between them, he was pretty sure that he'd shrivel up into nothing.
Sure, he was doing it, the spacing, for her, but that didn't mean that he wasn't suffering because of it.
Suffering might be a strong word though—no, suffering is an accurate description. He knew that they couldn't do what they did in her time, but he was starting to fight it on all fronts. The urge to hold her when they ate, drag her into his lap and force feed her the amount of food he thought she should be eating was beginning to become almost insatiable.
Though the hug earlier had helped some. Tapered the edge off a little, but at the same time, that undercurrent of need was still there.
Fuck.
He loved her.
Every time he thought about how much he loved her, the need would double down and dig deeper. He didn't understand it, and part of him didn't want to understand it. Part of him just wanted to give in and drape her across him while they slept, because then maybe he could fucking sleep too.
He knew immediately when she walked into a room; he didn't even have to sniff the air or listen. He just immediately knew when she was there, like someone had given him a specific Kagome sense—well, the Kagome sense wasn't new exactly—just much more noticeable now.
She rolled over again, twisting in the blankets, letting out a soft exhale. He looked at her, noting that she'd decided to lay on top of her sleeping bag instead of in it this time, and her twisting had uncovered her legs.
He stood, bare feet padding across the floorboards as he watched her for a moment, before he determined that she was indeed asleep—fucking finally!—as he lifted the blanket, tucking it around her feet. They were already chilled from sitting out in the grass, and he was already having an issue trying to convince the little voice in the back of his head that was suggesting that he could just—you know—lie down next to her. He was warm. His feet were warm. He could make sure she was warm. They didn't have to do anything.
He let go of Kaede's blanket before he punctured the stupid thing, making sure it was securely wrapped around her before he reclaimed his spot.
Being in love with her—he felt pretty sure that this—and not Naraku—was going to be the fucking death of him.
A/N: This has been my little gremlin of a chapter. I kept going back and tweaking it, but I think I've tweaked it so much that I need to just stop and let it be. So I hope that you guys enjoyed it!