Chapter 50
Ignorantia non excusat
"Ignorance is not an excuse"

"It is difficult for a woman
to define her feelings in language
which is chiefly made by men to express theirs."
—Far From the Madding Crowd

"Fuck you, Sango!" He shouted as Kirara took her out of his current reach.

"Just because you didn't anticipate it, doesn't mean it wasn't fair!" Sango laughed.

But that was just it, he should have anticipated it. He'd never had this much trouble sparring with Sango before, and he doubted that she'd improved that much since the last time they fought.

So it had to be him, and he knew that he was distracted. He'd been distracted for days—weeks even—but it was only now just becoming obvious to everyone else. He was already missing her, but fuck him if he ever said anything about it. It was hard enough just admitting that to himself. He wasn't about to admit it to anyone else, least of all Sango.

No telling what she'd say when she and Kagome snuck off to go have their girl time or whatever the fuck they did.

He growled at Sango as she laughed at him, as they continued their patrol around the rice paddies, skidding to a stop as he heard the sound of Shippo calling out his name as he ran. He turned his head towards the approaching fox, frowning at the face Shippo wore.

"Shippo?" Sango asked, sliding off Kirara as soon as she landed on the ground. "Why are you here?"

"Miroku—!" He stopped himself, before obviously trying to school his features into something more bland and emotionless. He cleared his throat. "Miroku asked you to come—to go—Miroku wanted to talk with you?"

"Shippo," Inuyasha was trying to keep his voice as even-keeled as it could be, "did something happen?"

"N—N—No!" The kit shook his head as he struggled with himself, nervously glancing between Inuyasha and Sango.

"Shippo," Inuyasha growled, fists already clenching.

"Shippo," Sango interrupted. "Did something happen with Kagome?"

Inuyasha's growl increased into an almost snarl, and Shippo quickly leapt into Sango's chest and arms.

"Save me, Sango!" He cried.

"Fuck, something did happen, didn't it?" He looked around trying to figure out where to go. "Where did they go, Shippo?"

"I didn't mean it!" Shippo bawled, fat tears rolling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry!"

"Where the fuck did Miroku take her?" Inuyasha yelled.

"Calm down, Inuyasha."

"They're by the river!" Shippo sobbed pointing his finger up river, burying his face into Sango's chest as he cried. Inuyasha ran along the shore, pushing his legs as fast as they would go.

Shit!

Fuck!

Shit!

What had happened to them? Had they been attacked? Miroku should've been able to take care of most things, right? And he would've smelled anything that close. There hadn't been any youkai nearby. He hadn't even smelled the snakes that the villagers swore were out there, begging them to get rid of them before they ate someone, and they'd been searching for hours with nothing to show for it.

And now something was wrong with Kagome!

Fuck him! He knew that he shouldn't have left her alone! He knew it, and he did it anyway!

Kirara was following him, but that didn't matter. She needed to be okay. That's all that mattered. That's the only thing that ever mattered. Leaping out of the brush, he saw Miroku hunched over a prone Kagome, whose arm dangled in the river.

"What the fuck happened, Miroku?" He snarled, tossing the monk away from Kagome. He didn't see or smell blood; she wasn't bleeding.

"It was an accident!"

She wasn't bleeding, and she didn't seem to be hurt at all. In fact, she almost appeared to be sleeping. But that didn't mean that something wasn't wrong.

He pulled her arm out of the water, noting the swath of reddened skin from her wrist to elbow. A burn.

"What the fuck is this?"

It wasn't bad, but why the fucking hell was she burned at all?

Kirara landed just behind him, Sango and Shippo sliding off onto the earth.

"Is everything okay?"

"I believe you may be an early widow, my love."

"No, everything is not fucking okay!" Inuyasha snapped. "How the fuck did she get burned?"

Miroku darted at glance at Sango, and he realized that he wasn't looking at Sango, but at Shippo.

"Shippo," Inuyasha growled, and the kit squeaked. "What did you do?"

"Kagome said that it was okay!" He shouted, clinging to Sango's uniform.

"Uh, I would just like to point out that I warned her this was a bad idea, and—"

"And you didn't fucking stop her?"

"Inuyasha, calm down—"

"No, I am not going to fucking calm down!"

"Then at least let them explain what happened before you start shouting!" Sango argued, and well, she had a fucking point, but that didn't mean that he had to actually like it or abide by it.

"Fine!" He snapped. "Start talking!" He snarled at Miroku before shifting to pick Kagome up and draw her into his lap. She made a small, quiet noise in her throat, before curling against him slightly in her sleep.

"Uh, well, Kagome finally made a barrier, and—" Miroku's eyes drifted off as he inched himself towards Sango.

"And what?" His voice grew lower the longer he waited for an answer.

"She was really proud of herself and wanted to test out how strong it was. She'd wanted to go find some random youkai, but—" He cut off Inuyasha's growl with a hand. "But, I told her that was a terrible plan, and we definitely should not do that!"

Fucking hell?

He glanced down at Kagome, only to realize that his claws were casually scratching her skin in reassuring circles.

Reassuring mostly for him. She was warm, and she seemed to be only asleep.

She wanted to go find some wild youkai out in the woods and see if her barrier was strong enough? If it would hold up to an attack. What the fuck?

"So she suggested Shippo instead." He paused. "Come to think of it, that may have been her plan the entire time."

Inuyasha snapped his head towards the little bastard, eyes narrowing as Shippo squeaked and clung tighter to Sango.

"What did you do, Shippo?"

"It really wasn't his fault!" Miroku waved his hands as he stepped fully next to Sango at this point, and Shippo clambered into Miroku's hold. "Kagome told him to throw his foxfire."

"You burned her?"

"Not on purpose!" Shippo squeaked, eyes already watering.

"Kagome had been holding up the barrier too long, and I'm pretty sure she didn't realize how tired she was until it was too late."

"You should have been able to tell! You should have known!"

"You're upset—"

"No fucking shit, Miroku!" He snapped back. "You were supposed to be watching her! Making sure that she was fucking safe! How is this," he held up her burned arm for them to see, "keeping her fucking safe?!"

He tucked the arm back against her side, fighting the urge to run and hide away with her.

He was the only one who could take care of her.

All the idiots had proven that for him.

"Accidents happen, Inuyasha! You should know that!"

"There shouldn't be accidents! She was just supposed to create a barrier! That's it!"

"She's just supposed to create a barrier, but never test it?!" Sango shouted back, jabbing a finger back at him. "How does that make any sense?"

"She's supposed to be safe!" He retorted. "I left her with you," he turned his glare to Miroku, "so she'd be safe!"

"Kagome was the happiest I've seen her in months, and I am not going to be the one to take that away from her!" Miroku glowered back at him.

"And you are not going to make her feel less than when she wakes up. It's barely even a burn. It won't even leave a blister, much less a scar!"

Something roiled at the idea of her being marked, scarred, hurt, and it made him panic. He held her protectively against his chest, growling at the two of them as he shifted his position to kneel.

Miroku let out a sigh, rubbing his hand across his face.

"Inuyasha, friend, I sent Shippo to fetch you because I thought that you'd rather know first instead of finding out later when you returned."

He did like that, actually. Kagome's protection was always important, perhaps even the most important thing.

The shards and Naraku hadn't been at the top of that list for a very long time.

"Inuyasha, you have to calm down," Sango told him.

Calm down?! Didn't they get it?! Kagome was more important than anything and everything else!

He huffed, before leaping off into the trees.

"Inuyasha!" Sango shouted.

"Do you think he's going to go to Kaede's?" Miroku asked as he leapt away. He didn't hear Sango's response.

He needed to go to Kaede's; she had medicine for burns and things like that. Kaede could help, and then he could squirrel her away somewhere safe until she was healed. He burst through the doorway knocking the mat aside with his shoulder.

Kaede looked up, taking in the sight as he strode over to her kneeling down with Kagome still in his arms.

"Would ye care to explain?"

"Shippo's a dumbass and burned the shit out of her arm."

"Ah, an error in judgment I would assume," she tutted as she rose to gather supplies. "Shippo would not harm a hair on Kagome's head. It was an accident?"

"Doesn't matter what it was," Inuyasha grumbled, taking a seat as he adjusted her in his lap.

"And it looks like Kagome wore herself out using her reiki." Kaede took a seat in front of him, and he gently took her injured arm, holding it out to her. "'tis a small burn."

"It covers her entire forearm!"

"Yes, but I'm sure it will be gone within a day or two. It will probably not even bother her by tonight. It is nothing serious, Inuyasha." She gave him a look with her one good eye, as she focused on smearing her salve across the affected area.

If it had been serious then he would've taken her back to her time.

"I'm sure ye gave Shippo quite the thrashing," she commented, turning to wipe off her fingers before taking a roll of fabric and beginning to wrap her arm. "Young Shippo is probably as upset as ye are with what happened."

"What're you getting at, hag?"

"He is a child, Inuyasha. Ye should treat him as such." She paused for a beat. "Ye should treat him as ye wanted to be treated at his age." She tied off the bandage, and he stood quickly heading towards the door. "I assume we should not expect ye back until Kagome awakes, yes?"

"Keh."

And then he was off, leaping into the trees, attempting to find sanctuary somewhere else.

He nestled into the high branches of Goshinboku, higher than he normally went. But Inuyasha very much wanted to hide and pretend that there was nothing else in the world except the two of them.

That was the dream, right?

He tucked Kagome against him, slouching down slightly on the branch so that he could lean his head against hers and extend his legs a little.

Just him and Kagome. No shards. No jewel. No Naraku. Nothing that would threaten the two of them.

He felt better now. Less agitated.

And Kaede was right, he probably should apologize to Shippo.

Well, maybe not apologize. Just give him some food, or dig through Kagome's bag and find some candy.

Sharing was caring, or so Kagome kept telling him.

He'd never thought about it like that, but he supposed in a sense that it was.

She shifted slightly in her sleep, one arm curling up against his chest, and he pressed his hand over it, feeling the bandages under his palm. He let his thumb rub a line back and forth across her knuckles, the casual contact abating his anger.

Shit.

Sango was right, wasn't she? They had to know how strong her barriers were. How else was she supposed to know if she needed to make them stronger?

Fuck.

The only way he could think of was exactly what they'd done. Let Shippo throw some foxfire and see what happened. Since he seemed to pass through her barriers with no issue at all, it wasn't like he could help or anything. There was no good way to go about this, was there?

Fuck. He was the asshole here.

Damn.

He'd been hoping for some sort of vindication, some proof that he'd been in the right, but the more that he thought about it, the more that he realized that he had nothing to merit his actions. Kagome was under his care, but she wasn't his. Not in the sense, at least, that he wanted her to be. She was under his protection and that was as close as he could get.

Fuck, he loved her so fucking much that it was starting to become a literal weight in his gut.

If—No—Nothing could happen to her. Ever.

If it did, he would have nothing left.

If something happened to him, she could go on, find a human boy, have human children, even if the thought of her loving someone else made every part of him ache mercilessly. But he would do it. He would let her go if she asked him. He would set her free.

And then go shrivel up in the woods and die, but he could do it!

He clutched her closer, burying his face into her hair, relishing what little time he had left with her.

Kagome shifted again, groaning slightly as her hand fisted tightly into his haori.

"Inuyasha," she whispered, but she didn't move away from him, and he wasn't going to push her.

He hummed an answer, and her fingers released him slightly.

"Are we in a tree?"

"Uh—" His internal panic started to rise, and his brain short-circuited in how to explain the why behind his actions.

Kagome knew he was an asshole, so maybe lead with that?

No, no, bad plan. That would only get him in trouble and probably sat. She'd probably sit him while they were still in the tree, and he couldn't risk her falling from that height. She'd probably try to climb down while he was still stuck fast to the ground anyway. And then she'd break something, probably something important too—like her head—and then he'd really be a mess.

"Inuyasha?" This time, Kagome tilted her head up a little to look at him, but he hadn't moved, still trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. "Inuyasha?" Her voice was a little louder the second time, and he knew that he should respond to her, but what did he say?

Her fingers brushed against his cheek, and he jerked slightly.

"What?" He snapped, and she flinched.

Fuck him. What was he doing? Why was he such an asshole to everyone?

"Sorry," he apologized. "That's not—I didn't—"

"It's fine!" She said quickly, putting on her false happiness, leaning away from him slightly. "It's okay, really!"

But it wasn't fine, it wasn't. Because wasn't okay, no matter how much she insisted she was. And no matter how much false happiness she put forth could convince him of it.

"Kagome," he started.

"No, no," she said, pulling her hands away from him and sitting back in her lap. "It's okay," she said, leaning over slightly to look at the ground. "I mean, if you'll take me down, then I can—"

"No!" He wrapped his arms around her, dragging her back against him. Maybe not the best idea, but hey, what had he done right in life so far?

Kagome stayed quiet as he held her against his chest. He could feel her breathing, and it was just quiet and—and—sheer utter panic.

"Inuyasha?" She asked after a moment, and he shifted his hold ever so slightly. He shouldn't trap her. He shouldn't make her feel like she had to be here.

He just—He didn't want her to be afraid of him. He never wanted her feel like she couldn't trust him.

He loved her so much.

She just didn't know that part of it.

He pulled himself away from her, letting her sit up slightly.

"I didn't mean to snap," he told her, resting his hand over hers, stilling her fingers from picking at themselves.

"Sorry," she mumbled, pulling her hands apart. She looked at the bandage on her arm. "I guess you know about this, don't you?" She held her arm up a little.

"Yeah," he answered after a moment.

"Are you—are you angry?" She couldn't meet his gaze.

"Yes," he answered, and she shrunk in on herself. "But only because you got hurt." She still wasn't looking at him, her fingers picking at the edge of the bandage. He'd upset her, that much was obvious, but he didn't quite know how to fix it.

Inuyasha watched her for a moment. Her nose scrunching up slightly as she stared at her arm.

"Is it bad?" She asked quietly, her hand resting over the bandage.

"No," he answered after a moment. "It probably won't even blister." He grimaced. "Miroku putting it in the stream so quickly probably helped."

"Oh," Kagome whispered. "That's good. I guess."

He wrapped his arms back around her, pulling her to lean against him. She went willingly, which gave him some relief, but she was still stiff.

"Kagome," he started, and she turned her head into his chest. He sighed. "Miroku said that you managed to make a barrier. A real one."

She nodded once, and he waited for her to speak, giving her the silence that she needed.

"Yeah." She exhaled. "It's not strong though. I can't even block Shippo's foxfire." She lifted her arm up slightly as if to prove her point. "It's pretty much useless."

"Kagome, it hasn't even been a full week since you've been trying, and you've already managed to make a full barrier," he pointed out. "And you did block Shippo's foxfire from what I heard. Otherwise, this," he gently tapped the wrist of her bandaged arm, "would've been much worse."

"Why are you being so nice?" She mumbled into his chest, and he leaned slightly to look at her face, which she promptly buried into his robes.

"I'm not being nice. I'm just saying the truth." He frowned. "Why're you being so hard on yourself?"

She mumbled something so low into his chest that if he hadn't felt the warmth of her breath, he couldn't be entirely sure that she'd said anything at all.

"What did you say?" She shook her head, and he could smell the tears before he felt them begin to soak into his clothes. "Kagome? Why are you crying?"

She shook her head again.

"Come on, Kagome," he said, nudging her head as she muffled a sob into his clothes. "Stop crying already, please," he whined, wrapping his arms around her tightly. "Come on, why're you bawling?"

"I'm not bawling!" She shouted at him, pushing away slightly.

"Then why are you crying?" He shouted back.

"I don't know!" Her fingers gripped his haori, almost shaking him. "I don't know why."

"Then stop crying!"

"I can't!" She wailed, collapsing onto him in a mass of body wracking sobs.

Shit. This was turning into a mess, and he had no clue of what to do. So he leaned back against the trunk of the tree, curling himself around her as she cried, ears flattening back against his skull as he did.

He let out a silent sigh, contenting himself with stroking his fingers through her hair in a lame attempt to comfort her.

It took her a long time before she calmed down enough to talk to him. She pushed away from him, leaning away from his chest.

"Better?" He asked as she wiped her face. It was hard to say whether she felt that way or not just looking at her, but she'd at least calmed down some.

"I don't know," she whispered, giving him a lame shrug. He shifted them so that he was sitting upright. "I'm just really tired. I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing, woman," he grumbled. "It ain't like you've done anything wrong."

"Yeah," Kagome sniffed. "We can go, if you want."

"Hmph," he grunted, shifting a little so that he could lean up a bit straighter against the trunk. "It's not dinner time yet."

She looked up through the branches at the sky above them, letting out a sigh.

Did she—did she not want to be with him? He'd thought—maybe he was wrong? She was twisting her fingers around themselves, and he recognized it as nervousness.

"Why're you nervous?"

She jolted, prying her fingers apart.

"I'm not!" She quickly answered, grabbing handfuls of her own clothes instead, but she wasn't looking at him anymore. She was struggling with something. He just couldn't figure out what.

He watched her face as she stared at the branches in front of her; her eyes darted from branch to branch.

She was so fucking beautiful. He'd always made comments about her appearance, but when she was like this, he couldn't fathom how anyone like her could ever want to be with him. Why would she ever want to be with a hanyou? She could do so much more. She could do so much better.

"I'm not nervous," she insisted, hands squeezing and flexing slightly.

Yeah, like he believed that.

"Okay," he stated, and her eyes shifted to him, staring, judging. "What?"

"I just thought that you would be angry."

"Do you want me to be angry?"

"No! It just feels—it feels kinda weird." She scrunched up her nose at the idea.

"So, now I'm weird?"

"Stop putting words in my mouth! You know that's not what I meant!" She gently shoved his shoulder, and he couldn't help but notice the way her mouth quirked up ever so slightly at the corners.

"So, you made a barrier?"

Kagome blushed and nodded, eyes looking away from him.

"It was small and not strong at all, so don't get too impressed."

"Miroku said that was only because you'd worn yourself out first."

She winced, shifting her gaze back to her arm.

"You're really not mad?"

He inhaled sharply through his nose.

"Not mad," he answered, and this time, his gaze shifted away from her. "I'm fucking pissed that you got hurt, but not mad at you, no."

"It doesn't even hurt," she said, flexing her fingers and twisting her arm.

"Kaede wrapped it and put some medicine on it. Said it would probably be gone tomorrow."

Should he tell her that he probably needs to apologize to everyone in the village at this point? Maybe some things should just stay secret.

"Oh," and that was it. She took a quick breath, like she was going to speak and held it for a second. The fingers of one hand found his, and she looped one of her fingers around his. He wasn't even entirely sure that she realized what she was doing, though he didn't make any move to stop her. "I'm sorry—" He opened his mouth to speak, and she glared at him. "Let me say it, okay?" He didn't give her any response, but tried to not glower at her. "I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get this. I'm sorry that I obviously worried you. I just don't get why it's so hard for me to get this when everyone keeps telling me that this—the thing I can't seem to get—is the easy part." She sighed in a long exhale. "What am I supposed to do when I get to the hard stuff?"

"I told you, we deal with it when we get there."

"But I can't! I can't do that!" She shouted. "I need—" Her voice dropped off, but every part of him was listening, eager to find out what she wanted, what she needed, so that he could provide that all for her. He would do anything for her. Anything. All she had to do was ask, and she was finally going to do that.

Except that she didn't. Her mouth opened a little like she was going to say something and then she snapped it closed, shaking her head.

God.

Fuck.

Damn.

Why can't she just say what she fucking wants so he can give it to her?

Her mouth worked, opening and closing, and she made an audible squeak for a fraction of a moment, before she closed it again, letting it stay closed this time and exhaling through her nose.

He was going to be patient and let her work through it. That was important. That's what they'd said would be best.

Let her work through it on her own, Kaede had told him. Kagome needs to figure this out on her own, Inuyasha. Be patient, Inuyasha.

He growled internally. At least, he was pretty sure it was all internal. Mostly.

"What do you need, Kagome?" He finally asked. His nerves couldn't take it anymore. He needed to know.

"I don't know," she whispered after a moment, hands tightening into fists. "I don't know."

Her breathing quickened, and her eyes glazed over, unfocused on the world around her.

"I don't know," she whimpered, and he could practically see the sheen in her eyes that told him she was about to start crying again.

"Don't do that," he growled out, wrapping his arms around her again. "What's the problem? We'll figure it out."

"I don't know! It just feels like everything is just—just—I don't know!—Heavy?" She stared at her hands. "How do you fix that? How do you fix heavy?"

He didn't have an answer to that particular question. Though he knew how she felt to some extent.

And the insurmountable fear that he was somehow incapable of helping her rattled him more than he cared to admit.

Inuyasha knew that he was not a man of words. He would never be able to express all the things that he loved about her or how she made him feel—like the birds were sweeter, the grass greener, how it seemed like the flowers were not so oppressive to his senses when she was around. And when she was gone?

When he'd thought her dead, the world felt like a bleak endless expanse of nothing. Without her, he wanted nothing to do with any of it. He would've gleefully handed over his sword and his fire rat to Sesshomaru, if it meant that she'd been alive and unscathed.

But how did he say any of that without sounding like a blubbering idiot, or worse, saying the wrong thing and upsetting her more?

He kept telling himself that he could go on if she left him, but the truth was, he didn't know how he'd manage it.

"I know it's dumb. I'll just shut up." Her voice had gone quiet, and he realized that he'd waited too long to speak. She shifted uncomfortably in his lap, leaning towards the ground slightly. "I want to get down. Can we go back to Kaede's now?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but the moment had passed and he knew that nothing he said now would be in his favor.

He held her close and slid off the branch, landing lightly on the ground below. Setting her feet down, he made sure that she was steady before releasing her but retaining his grip on her hand.

"I'm not going to go run off and do anything dumb," she muttered, vainly attempted to tug her hand away, but he held fast and she started walking slightly behind him.

Looking back at her, he slowed his speed, tugging her forward just enough so that she was able to come alongside him and walk next to him. He wasn't going to walk through the village proper, but he could wander them along the trails and avoid seeing people for a little bit. He wouldn't subject her to the gossip of the village if he could avoid it.

Kagome, however, didn't speak at all the entire journey back to Kaede's, and Inuyasha simply didn't know what to say to break the cavernous silence between them.

A/N: And we have officially broached 50 chapters, and I'm so thankful that you guys are all still with me on this weird adventure. I'm so glad that you all enjoy it, and I sincerely hope that you guys will stick around me until the end (of the story-not like the end of days, but I mean, you're welcome to do that too!)

So something that I never thought of odd is handing down furniture in my family. I have this chair that has since been reupholstered, but for years (YEARS!) as a child, it always had a blanket on it because there was a bloodstain on it. It wasn't until I was in my teens that I finally asked where it was from and turns out, my great-uncle had been murdered in his apartment and the bloodstain on the chair was his (and we're not talking a puddle, like blood splatter type of stain). So it was reupholstered in the early 2000s, and it is weirdly comfortable and my absolute favorite chair because you just sink down into it and it's just amazing. Today, apparently, is the 39th anniversary of his murder, which remains unsolved. We're pretty sure he was killed by his (then married) gay lover, but in the early 80s, DNA evidence wasn't really a thing. By the time, we even thought about asking them to find the evidence and run it, it had already been lost in the system and there's no telling where it is now or if it's even viable. So, yeah. Fun facts. Anyways, Happy Thursday!