(for disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 8 - 9th February 2014

"Probably best you stay here for the time being. I reached out to Hill, she knows where to find me and how to get in touch if you really need to, but for now-"

"Radio silence," said Natasha, nodding her head. "I know the drill."

"I know that you do," Fury agreed, one side of his mouth quirking up in a half-smile.

He never did apologise for the danger he put her into, Natasha didn't expect him to. She probably would have been disappointed if he had. Still, when he looked at her that way, then took a hold of her hand as if to shake on a goodbye for now, she knew exactly what he felt.

They had understood each other for a long time now, not quite from the first day they met, but not long after. He never meant to put her in the position she had found herself in, caught between SHIELD and HYDRA, and he clearly regretted the state she had ended up in because of it. He wouldn't have come all the way to Iowa, risking blowing his own cover, if that weren't true.

"I'll leave you in safe hands here then," he said, glancing across to where James sat watching over them both, then towards the door, beyond which the Barton family could be heard enjoying each other's company. "Always a pleasure, Agent Romanov."

"Thank you, sir," she told him, smiling back at him, knowing he well understood her too.

He disappeared from her room then, the shadowy figure in black, like something from a noir novel or similar, his black coat swooshing like a cape. Natasha felt just a little strange watching him go, wondering when she might ever see him again. As far as the world was concerned Nick Fury was dead. For all she knew, a lot of people might think she was too.

"You okay?" James asked as he rose from his chair and came closer to the bed.

"Sure, why not?" she said, shrugging her shoulders and putting on a smile - it wasn't hard when she looked at him and saw the concern on his face. "I promise, I'm fine. You know, you fuss like a mother hen sometimes."

"I've been called worse," he told her, smiling some himself, but there was something like worry around his eyes still. "You sure you're okay? I don't know why, but I got the impression there was a lot more going on in that conversation than a guy like me could follow. Is there a problem with you and Fury?"

"No, not a problem," she promised, shifting herself over on the bed a little to make room for him to sit on the edge. "It's complicated. He's known me a long time, almost as long as Clint. They took me in when I had nowhere else to go, when I chose SHIELD instead of... instead of my past."

"They became the family you never had before."

It was a fair guess and Natasha couldn't blame him for making it. The truth was a little different, she just wasn't sure she knew how to tell him. She wanted to, she honestly did, but it scared her sometimes.

A couple of weeks ago, she admitted she was frightened of hurting him, mostly when she was lost in nightmares, but there was more to it than that. She was also scared of him waking up one day and realising she wasn't worth the effort. Scared that if she revealed everything, it would be too much.

It wasn't fair, whichever way she sliced it. Burdening him with everything she carried herself, she didn't want to do that to him. At the same time, holding back wasn't right either. People who cared this much for each other were supposed to share the load. It was what Clint and Laura did, she knew.

"Natalia?"

Her eyes closed when James said her name like that, so soft and gentle, with so much affection in it. She had come to really love her real name the way he said it, never once regretting sharing it with him and him alone.

"I had a family once," she said it fast and softly enough she wasn't even sure he heard her, not until she made herself look at him and saw the surprise written across his face. "I'm not talking about biological parents or anything. Obviously, I did have those, but I don't... The Red Room didn't want us to know and no amount of digging afterwards told me anything worth my time," she said, taking a deep breath before she went on. "But there were people I cared about. A couple of agents that raised me, almost like parents, for a while, and... and I have a sister."

"A sister?" James echoed, still with the surprised expression, though he looked as if he was trying to hide it, which made her smile.

"Again, not biological," Natasha explained, "but she might as well have been. Yelena was a brat sometimes, but no worse than me. I tried so hard to protect her."

She didn't want to cry. Over the years, Natasha thought she had broken herself of the habit, even of the ability to give into emotion at all. Lately, she was finding it tougher, but she reminded herself that it was okay. On missions, she had to be strong. With those that cared about her, those she could trust, it was okay to let the walls down a little. Clint had started to teach her that a while back, Steve had helped, but it was definitely James who was the biggest factor in convincing her it was fine, good even sometimes, to share, to feel, to open up.

"I went looking for her," she said then, swallowing hard even as tears slid down her cheeks unchecked. "When I left here, after that night, I realised I was never going to be able to move forward until I dealt with my past. Part of that was finding Yelena."

"And did you?"

Natasha shook her head in answer to James' question. "I know she's still alive, but not much more than that. I also know that the Red Room is still active, and what bothers me is that... is that they're still using her, the way they used me."

He knew what that meant, Natasha had made sure of it, which was good, because it wasn't something she felt like elaborating on too often and most especially not now.

"I wanted to keep looking, but things started to get messy. I was worried that if I dug too much, if they found out it was me that was looking..."

"It might make things worse for Yelena." James nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry that you couldn't help her."

"Me too," she said, sniffling a little but trying not to need to even then. "Anyway, the trail started to go cold in every direction but one, and like I said, I couldn't risk poking that particular bear. I was on my way back, when I got word from Fury that he needed me for a mission. I went undercover, trying to uncover the suspected HYDRA cell. We had no idea how big or bad things were then."

Her mind started to wander, not just to the faraway past but to more recent scenes too. When the rogue agents realised she might not be on their side, when things got very ugly.

"They thought they could reactivate the programming from the Red Room," she explained, more to a spot on the ceiling than to James, because it was easier somehow. "There was a horrible moment when I thought... but SHIELD are smarter than that. When they said they cleaned all that stuff out of my head, they were telling the truth. There was nothing left for HYDRA to use, so then they just started taking revenge."

James' hand tightening around her own, his sharp intake of breath and muttered obscenities she had rarely ever heard from his lips, it was all oddly comforting. Knowing he was there for her now, that he understood, that given the chance he would tear those assholes limb from limb in her name. Not that she needed him to, she did a pretty good job on a couple of them herself, but it was still nice to know he would, all the same.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that. That we didn't find you sooner-"

Her finger came up to halt the movement of his lips. She met his eyes and shook her head slightly.

"Don't do that," she said firmly. "You did everything you could and, trust me, I'm grateful. I'm not telling you what happened so you can feel sorry for me or regret anything. I just want you to know what happened, why I disappeared, where I went, and why I didn't come right back," she explained. "Now you know, and next time I go off grid, I want you to know where I'll be then too. I'll be tracking down Yelena. I may also be destroying the Red Room once and for all, if I can find a way, but that's a mission that's on hold for a little while. I wouldn't be much use in either task right now," she reminded him, regretfully, gesturing to her body that was healing well but not fast enough for her own liking.

James sighed, shifting from the edge of the bed to sit alongside her, his back against the headboard and his arms around her. "Next time you go off grid, for any reason, I don't just want to know where you are. I want to be with you. You think maybe you'd be okay with that?"

Natasha swallowed hard, the devotion of his words reflected in his eyes as she looked into them. "You'd be putting yourself in so much danger. Why would you...?"

"Seriously?" he asked her, an incredulous kind of laughter in his voice. "Come on, you're smarter than this. You have to know, after everything. Natalia... I love you. I'm pretty sure I have loved you from the moment I saw you, and then, it just got bigger and bigger. Now, I'm so in love with you, I barely know how to put it into words."

She wasn't sure where all the tears were coming from, but at least this time, they were a good ninety percent happy rather than sad. That wasn't nothing. Of course, the ten percent of sadness came from knowing he was waiting for her to say it back. It wasn't as if she didn't want to, but even more so than him, she just wasn't sure how.

"James," she said, clearing her throat hard, so that she could go on, "I don't know what love is, but if I had to guess, I think it has to be whatever this is between us. I can't find another word for what I feel about you. It's not like anything I ever... As much as a person like me can, I do love you, James," she said at last, the smile it elicited in him worth every moment of struggle to express herself clearly.

When he leaned down to kiss her, she reached up to meet him halfway.

It always seemed crazy to her, the way people talked about love, what it meant, the power of it. Natasha didn't believe a word. Love was weakness. Love was for children. It had no place in the life of a woman like her. It was what she believed, even after she escaped her past life. Even when Clint and SHIELD and the Barton clan took her in as part of the family. That was friendship, kinship, maybe a kind of love, but she never, ever thought she could have this. That whole cliche of finding the other half of herself and finally feeling whole. Natasha would have laughed at that once, loudly. Now, it didn't seem so stupid. Now, it seemed like the perfect way to describe what she had found with Sergeant James Barnes. She only hoped he knew all that without her having to explain, because she simply had no words. Of course, there were always actions.

"Lock the door," she muttered against his lips, between kisses that were becoming more passionate all the time.

"What?" he asked, looking a little stunned as he pulled back to stare at her.

"I don't really want the kids, or their parents for that matter, walking in on what's about to happen here," she said pointedly.

It seemed to take a moment for James' brain to catch up with the situation and a beat more for his body to follow instructions. Then finally he got up, bolted the door and turned back to rejoin her on the bed. By then, she was already out of her shirt and more than ready to relieve him of his, and that was just for starters.

"Don't take this the wrong way," he said, planting kisses on her neck while she hastily unfastened his buttons, "but are you sure you can?"

Natasha laid back down, pulling him with her. "Try and stop me," she said, before kissing him soundly on the lips.

She knew better than to think he would ever want to do that!

To Be Continued...