Thank you to everyone who is reaching (and especially those of you who take time to review – I appreciate you!). Some people expressed concern that Sam was/is so out of character. This story explores some of the effects of trauma – both Jack's and Sam's. Trauma affects people in strange ways and can often make people behave in unusual ways. So please, reach this with a grain of salt! Thanks
He'd finally stopped looking. It had just about killed him but continuing to search had also been killing him. It was Ethan who finally sat him down and told him "enough"!
"There is no point, Jack," the older man had said. "You will not find her and you are wearing yourself to the bone. You have to let go of your past life."
"I promised her I'd come back for her," he argued.
"And you tried," Ethan told him. "It was not your fault you were captured. You did everything you could, and you have searched for her for months. You must let her go."
"I failed her," he said quietly. "I promised to never leave anyone behind – and I did."
"You could not help it! You are human, Jack. You did all you could. You have to stop this. It is not healthy."
Jack sighed. He knew his friend was right. Searching for Sam had become an obsession that he had long known would not result in him finding her. But to give up just added to the tremendous guilt he already felt. He put his head in his hands, allowing the despair to once more wash over him.
He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Please Jack. I know it is hard – it is hard to lose someone you care about, but you must go on." Ethan spoke from experience, having lost his only child. "But the boys love you and need you. You have become the father they lost. And you are like a son to me. We need you here – not spending all your time on a journey that will not end. Please son – let go and live."
Jack finally raised his head and gave a slight nod. He knew the other man was right, but it was hard.
"Okay," he said finally. "I'll stop looking." Ethan squeezed his shoulder and then stood up.
"I'd like to talk to you later this afternoon, Jack – about business."
"Okay," Jack frowned, wondering what it was about. He hoped that things weren't going wrong for Ethan. He didn't think they were, based on how busy they'd become – but he couldn't think what else the older man wanted.
He found out that afternoon.
"No Ethan – you don't need to do that! You have your grandsons!"
"And I'm providing for them," Ethan told him. "But I want to make you my partner. You work as hard – if not harder – than I do and it's only fair you have a share of the business."
"But it's your business," Jack argued. "If you want to pay me something for my work, well, that's fair, but that's enough."
"No, it isn't," Ethan smiled slightly. "Look, I'm going to retain the majority share, and that will go to my grandsons on my death. But I want you to be my partner. You work hard and you've become family. If something happens to me when the children are still young, well, they'll have you to help them and keep the store running until they're old enough. No," Ethan held up his hand when Jack went to speak. "My mind is made up and I've already had Magnus do up the paperwork. It's done, so just accept it!"
Jack didn't know what to say. He took the papers that Ethan handed him, but only glanced at them. He felt quite overwhelmed – both grateful, but also somewhat resentful – which made him feel guilty.
He appreciated what his friend was doing, and it did give him more security. The problem was it made things final. For some reason being given a share of Ethan's business made his reality hit home. He was here to stay – he was never going back to Earth.
He looked down again at the papers. Ethan was giving him 30% ownership of the store. He didn't quite know what to say.
"Thank you," he finally realized that's all he needed to say. "You are a good man Ethan – and you know that you can trust me and that I'll always be here for you and the boys."
"I know," Ethan smiled, "you are a good man as well, Jack. We are lucky to have found you."
Jack chuckled softly. "I think I'm the lucky one!"
Over the next few weeks life took on a quiet routine. He worked in the store and watched the boys – although he had finally convinced Ethan to hire a housekeeper/nanny. He'd grown busier as the business had grown, and he knew the boys needed more attention.
Magrit was a widow whose children were grown with homes of their own. She had been bored and when she'd heard that Ethan was looking for a housekeeper, she'd applied.
She was a kind, but no-nonsense kind of woman. The boys had quickly grown to love her, although they also realized that she wouldn't tolerate bad behavior. Jack had laughed to see how well she had caught on to their tricks and loved watching as the boys tried to outwit her. So far, they hadn't succeeded.
Even with Magrit in the house, Jack still spent a lot of time with the boys. Having young children around helped Jack get through his days.
Simon would be heading off to preschool in a few months, and Jack knew that it was going to be hard for Jankin to be alone part of the day. For that reason, he'd begun to get to know the neighbors and had arranged some play-dates with other children. The boys had started to make friends, as did Jack.
Most of the neighbors were couples, but there was one woman by the name of Kristiana, who was single. Her husband had been killed in an accident and she was left with a young daughter Jankin's age. The two had become fast friends.
It had taken Jack a while to realize that Kristiana was interested in him. Actually, he hadn't realized it. It was Magnus who had pointed it out to him.
Magnus was a changed man, now that he and Magda were betrothed. It hadn't taken long, after he'd invited her to dinner for her name-day, for the two of them to realize they liked each other. Soon that liking had changed to love and now they were going to get married.
And Jack took total credit! He also realized he'd created a monster, because now Magnus wanted everyone to feel the joy he was experiencing.
"She likes you, Jack," he'd been sitting beside Jack on the porch, enjoying a drink in the warm evening air.
"What?"
"Kristiana – she likes you."
"She does not," he'd replied. "She just brings her daughter over to play with Jankin."
"Ha! You, my friend, are blind. She is interested in you. I can see it. So can Ethan. He was wondering how long it would be before you ask her to walk with you."
"Uh – never," Jack replied sharply. He didn't mean to be rude, but he was not interested in Kristiana – or any woman.
Magnus looked at him in surprise. "She is an attractive woman, Jack, and you are all alone."
"I'm not interested," he replied. "Look, I know you and Ethan mean well, but I'm not interested in meeting or dating anyone. I – no."
"I'm sorry," Magnus said softly. "I did not mean to interfere."
"No, that's okay," Jack sighed. "I didn't mean to speak so sharply. It's just – I'm not interested in a relationship."
"You loved the woman you lost." Magnus did not ask it as a question. "Was she your mate? You never speak of her."
Jack didn't answer, but instead sat silently, thinking of Sam. He finally took a deep breath and replied. "No – we were – comrades," he said. "We couldn't be together. It was against the rules."
"Rules?" Magnus frowned. "There are rules that keep people from loving one another where you come from?"
"Yes – well – rules in my work. We weren't allowed to have a relationship with people we worked with. They felt it would cause problems."
"I see," Magnus nodded. "Yes, I can understand that. Could you not have decided to not work together."
Jack chuckled, although more in bitterness than humor. "Oh, I thought about it all the time. But my job was important – too important. And then I thought – what if I did quit, and it didn't work? Then I'd have nothing – nothing but bitterness. We decided it was better to leave it in the room."
"In the room?" Magnus asked, puzzled.
"Sorry – it's an expression. It means we decided not to pursue a relationship but to just remain – colleagues."
"That is sad," Magnus commented. "It must be especially hard now."
Jack was again silent, thinking about all he had lost. "It's hell," he finally whispered.
In the end he was glad that Magnus had given him a heads up about Kristiana. He didn't want to lead her on or create an uncomfortable situation, so he confided in Ethan.
"I don't want to prohibit the children from playing together," he told his friend, "but I don't want Kristiana to get the wrong idea."
Ethan told him not to worry – that he'd run interference. He began to do the pick-ups and drop offs of his grandson, and made sure that he was around if and when Kristiana came by.
She soon picked up on the fact that Jack didn't return her interest. She remained friendly, but soon let him know that she understood and became more careful in her interactions. Things were more comfortable after that.
Life went on.
Jack had been on Varld for almost a year, and had finally begun to settle in. He'd accepted that this was his home, and that Ethan, Simon and Jankin were his new family. He started to make friends, especially Magnus and Magda, who were now married.
If it wasn't for the guilt and anguish that lived with him constantly, he could have been happy.
"I have to go to Orebro for some supplies," Ethan told him that afternoon. "Magnus and Magda would like to come so she can visit her family."
"That will be nice," Jack responded as he arranged some of their new products on the shelves. "How long will you be gone."
"Just seven or eight days," he replied. "Will you be okay here?"
"Of course, Ethan," he smiled. "With Magrit watching the boys during the day I can handle the store. Things will be fine."
"I know they will, Jack," Ethan smiled and slapped him on the back. "It's nice to have someone I can trust when I go away. It used to make me nervous."
"Just don't pick up any more wounded strangers," Jack told him. "They're too much trouble."
Ethan chuckled. "Best thing I ever did," he told his friend.
Two days later Ethan, Magnus and Magda set off for the town of Orebro along with two of the men they'd recently hired for their new warehouse. They'd grown so much they'd had to expand, and that had meant hiring more people.
"I'll feel safer if you travel with more people," Jack had told him, thinking of his own experience.
"There have been no more reports of travelers being accosted," Ethan told him. "Maybe the men who hurt you have gone."
"Probably," Jack nodded, "but you can't be too careful. I don't want anything to happen to you."
Ethan had agreed, although Jack knew that older man thought he worried for nothing. But Jack still dealt with nightmares and didn't want any of his friends having to go through what he went through. Hopefully, though, there were not any others like those that had attacked him. At least he knew that they were gone and would never return.
The first couple of days were busy, as the holiday season was coming soon and people were doing a lot shopping for presents.
Jack had discovered that holidays in Varld had little to do with religion. In fact, he discovered that there was no real organized religion here. Instead, people practiced a kind of spirituality that was about doing good and being kind. It was the sort of thing that Jack could understand much more than the established religions of his own planet.
It wasn't that the people didn't believe in a higher being – they did have some idea of there being a world beyond the corporeal – but it was more something that they felt rather than any beliefs in specific doctrines or an omnipotent god. In many ways it reminded him of the spirituality of some of the indigenous peoples of America.
The major holiday of the year was Vanlighetsvecka – or kindness week. It was simply a festival where people did nice things for one another – including buying gifts and was similar, in many ways, to Christmas, without Santa or the nativity. The people did decorate though – so it was a beautiful time of year.
Jack had already made some purchases for Ethan, the boys and Magnus and Magda. He'd also bought some small trinkets for Kristiana and her daughter – although he made sure they wouldn't be misconstrued as anything romantic in nature.
He was looking forward to the holiday, which kind of surprised him. It had been a long time since he'd looked forward to anything.
Of course the holiday also meant that he was extremely busy as Ethan's store was a major stop for people looking for gifts.
"I'll be right with you," he called, as he heard the chime on the door ring. He was just putting some items away and then he turned around and smiled …
… and stopped dead.
He stared at the woman in the doorway, unable to believe his eyes. "Sam," he whispered. "Sam!"
The blond-haired woman looked at him in equal shock. "Colonel?" she asked, her voice shaking. "What – what are you doing here?"
Jack swallowed, still unsure if what he was seeing was real. A second later he'd smiled and raced over to the woman at the door. He threw his arms around her and practically squeezed the life out of her.
"You're alive!" he murmured.
"And so are you," she laughed softly, hugging him back.
Before either of them had a chance to say more, someone cleared his throat. Jack glanced up to see another customer trying to enter the store.
"Sorry," Jack said, embarrassed. He took his arms from around Sam and stepped back. Sam moved over to the side, out of the new customer's way.
"Jack," Ronan Witner, another one of Ethan's friends, grinned at him, with a glance at Sam. "How are you doing?"
"Uh – I'm doing well Ronan. How are things with you?"
"Good, good. I hear Ethan has gone to Orebro for some more supplies. How are you managing?" Again he looked over at Sam.
Jack forced himself to snap out of his shock. "Things are fine. Uh, can I get something for you?"
"Just some Kofa, but this young lady was here first."
"No – that's okay," Sam muttered. "You go ahead. I'm just – looking." With that she turned and headed towards one of the clothing racks. It was only as she moved that Jack saw she had a severe limp. He frowned, feeling the guilt return. He shook himself and helped Ronan with his Kofa.
"Thanks Jack. It was good to see you. Take care and let me know if you need anything with Ethan away." He looked over at the blond-haired woman and grinned. "But you look like things are just fine."
"Thanks Ronan," Jack nodded, refusing to rise to the bait. He waited until the man had left the store. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, still surprised and now feeling uncertain. Finally, he pulled himself together and moved quickly towards the door. He pulled down the blinds and flipped the lock. People would wonder what was going on, but right now he knew he couldn't deal with anymore customers.
"Sam," he called softly. She turned around from where she was looking at the clothing, and then slowly made her way back to him. He couldn't help wince when he saw how bad her limp was.
"I thought you were dead," were the first words out of her mouth. She'd gone from looking happy to have seen him, to looking almost angry. Jack wondered what was wrong.
"I thought you were as well," he answered, feeling the agony that thought had always brought.
"Really? When did you decide that? Shortly after you left me?"
He blinked and shook his head. "What?" The fact that she was alive, that she was here was just starting to sink in. He felt a sudden burst of joy although that was immediately followed by guilt and uncertainty. He moved towards her, wanting to reach out and hug her again, to assure himself that she was real. But even though he grew closer to her he stopped before reaching her. Something in her attitude was worrying him.
She stepped back – awkwardly because of her bad leg.
"Sam?" he asked, puzzled. "I'm so glad to see you. You don't know how – awful I felt. I -"
"I'm glad to see that you're alive as well, Sir," she interrupted, her eyes gleaming with unshed tears. "I figured you must have been killed, but I see you landed on your feet." She looked around the store. "It's nice. Are you working here?"
Jack looked at her, puzzled. "Uh – yes. Ethan – the owner, saved my life. He let me work here and I live with him and his grandsons."
"I see. That's good. I worried about you."
"Sam – what happened?" he asked, trying to regain some control of the conversation. This was not going the way he'd imagined – or hoped. "I am so sorry I left you," he said suddenly. "I was –"
"It's okay," she interrupted again. "I was found by some passing travelers. They brought me back here, took me to the hospital and saved my life. I was lucky – if they hadn't found me, I would have died."
"God," he breathed. "I am so sorry," he started again. "I was captured," he told her. "I tried to get back to you, but by the time I did you were gone. I've been looking for you all year."
"Have you?" she asked, not seeming to be too interested. "Well, I've been safe."
"Where are you living?" he asked, feeling horribly uncomfortable and unsure of what was going on. Sam was acting so strangely. "Have you found the stargate?"
"I'm living in the north end of the city," she told him. Ethan's home was at the southwest side of Hjem, so about as far away as possible. "I work at a café. And no – I haven't been able to find a stargate nor anyone who has heard of one. Have you?"
"No – no luck either. I figured I was here to stay."
She nodded. "Me too." She looked down and he could see her take a deep breath. When she looked up she had a small smile on her face. "I'm glad you're okay, Sir. I really thought you must be dead."
"I looked and looked for you, Carter," he told her. "I've hated myself for leaving you."
"Well, it all worked out," she smiled. "But you're right – it looks as if we're going to be here for the rest of our lives. You seem to be doing well."
"I was lucky. The man who saved me is kind and welcomed me into his family. How about you?"
"Not quite so much luck," she said. "Oh, the people who saved me were good people, but basically left me at the hospital. When I got out, I had to find a job and a place to live. It's been – hard.'
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "And your leg -"
"I'm just lucky I didn't lose it," she told him abruptly. "I almost did. They wanted to amputate but I wouldn't let them."
"I'm -"
"Please stop apologizing," she snapped. "You didn't hurt my leg. It's not your fault."
"Sam – I – what's wrong? What's going on?"
"Nothing," she closed her eyes. "I'm sorry," she laughed. "Now I'm doing it. I guess – I was just surprised to see you."
"But not happy to see me," he said directly. "Do you hate me?"
"Hate you? Why would I Sir?" she asked.
"Because I left you and I promised I wouldn't."
"From what you said, it wasn't your fault," she told him. He could see her struggle. "I'm not angry, Sir, really. I'm just – I don't know. I guess I told myself that you were dead and I'm finding it hard to believe that you're okay."
He nodded. "I'm so glad you're safe. Uh – do you want to come in and have something to drink. We have a lot of catching up to do."
"I can't stay too long," she told him. "I was looking for something and was told this store might have it. I have to be back to work for the evening meal."
Jack looked out of the window and realized it was mid-afternoon already. "How long will it take you to get back?"
"It's a good hour's walk," she told him. "I can come back on the rest day," she told him, "and then we can talk."
Jack nodded. "Can you give me your address?" he asked. "I don't want to lose you again," he gave her a small smile.
"Of course." She took the paper and pen he gave her and quickly jotted it down. "I should go so I'm not late for work."
Sam turned, as quickly as she could on her bad leg, and limped towards the door. She turned as she got there. "I'll be back in two days," she told him. "We can talk then."
Jack nodded but didn't speak. It was as she left that he called after her. "I'm so glad you're alive, Carter."
He could see her nod, and then she was gone.