I'm shaking as I hold her hand. It's cold and somewhat dry; if I were alone I would gladly pull the Lancôme hand cream from my purse and rub some into her skin, but I don't dare. Not here, not now.
It's too intimate for the audience gathered. Under more different circumstances, I would have dismissed them and banned them from stepping foot on the hospital grounds but I am stranger here. So, I sit quietly, my eyes on Andrea while everyone watches me.
A nurse disrupts the tension telling me I can come see my son. Lily rises as well her posture defensive; I have no will to fight with her. The young man I recognize as Doug stands whispering next to her ear.
"She has a right to see her son, Lil." He offers me a quick smile. He's just as uneasy as I am but from my carefully crafted mask you would never know.
She steps aside and I follow the nurse to the NICU.
I peer at him through the glass incubator. He's small, pink a spitting image of Andrea and I couldn't love him more. I couldn't love her more.
I jump as Nigel places a hand on my shoulder. I give it a light squeeze.
"He's beautiful."
"Thank you," was all I could whisper.
"She's awake."
He states his eyes straight ahead. I nod.
"I'm sure she doesn't want to see me." I'm on the verge of tears.
"No, she asked for you."
I turned staring at him I know my eyes are wide and wild.
"Don't worry about Lily and the others. It's already been handled. Go, be with her."
He gently guides me toward Andrea's room. Once at the door, I pause collecting myself.
"You have to do this; you have to face her or you never will."
He pushes open the door and a gentle but firm hand pushes me inside. The room is empty except my Andrea.
She's pale but alive and that's all that matters. I rush over to her grabbing her hand.
Doe eyes land on me but they lack the fire that I had fallen for they were blank. She seemed to be staring right through me.
I open my mouth to speak but she shushes me.
"Did you see him?"
"Yes," I whisper, "he's beautiful. Thank you."
"What should we call him? You're his mother too so I thought you should be here to help name him at least."
"What ever you want dear, I know it will be fitting and beautiful," I kiss the back of her hand. I am grateful that she is allowing me this much so I don't press.
"How about William? William Andrew Priestly?"
"I love it." I state tears running down my cheeks.
"I'll let them know." She squeezes my hand before removing it from my grasp.
"You can go home. I know you've been here a while."
"No I will stay. I want to stay."
She shifts, "I would prefer you leave. William doesn't change anything between us. Once I am out of the hospital the baby and I will be staying with Lily."
"No." I state, it came out rougher than I intended but she and my newborn child weren't about to stay with a woman that sold second rate art for a living and definitely not to a one bedroom studio.
"I won't allow it. Andrea you need rest you should be at home with me."
"Your home you mean?"
I sit back, "you know I didn't mean that."
"You sure? Sounded like you did."
She made a face no doubt in pain from the c-section.
"We shouldn't be arguing," I lean forward reaching for her hand again. She moves it; my love is deliberately avoiding my touch.
"No, we shouldn't. I want you to leave, I will be staying with Lily and once I am well enough I will be filing for divorce. I thought I should tell you in person. I don't want to see you again. As for William you will need to reach out to me or Lily if you want to see him."
I am furious now, "Lily? I will not go through a third party to see MY son Andrea."
I am doing my best to keep my voice even and stay calm but she is being outrageous.
She rises slightly her face twisted in pain, "if you want to see him at all you will."
My eyes narrow into thin slits, "are you screwing her?"
Her face contorts into something unreadable, "no, you will not turn this around on me. Get out!" She shouts and the door opens I turn ready to rip the intruder apart but hold my tongue; it's Nigel. He quickly closes the door and heads over to Andrea.
"Lie down sweetie, please."
She complies with no fan fare and he turns to me.
"Enough. Miranda, please let's go." His tone is stern and I nod allowing him to usher me out.
When we are far enough out of earshot, I stop turning to him, "she wants to stay with Lily. She doesn't want to be around me." I bring my hand to my mouth and utter the word for a second time, "I have to go through that woman to see my son! Can you believe that?"
He pulls me into a hug and I break down. I'm not sure if I can bear this.
I've barely touched my latte when it arrives. A large standard envelope; they're divorce papers and I quickly snatch them from the new sheriff's hand. I open it not bothering to read them. Once you've been served once or twice a third time doesn't phase you. Instead I take them to the shredder and feed them in one page at a time.
I've decided there will be no divorce not if I can help it. I return to my desk and there's a text from Lily. I'm in no mood for her foolishness.
Surprisingly, it's civil and she wanted me to know Andrea will be discharged this afternoon. Unbeknownst to her, I already know. Jimmy gave me the details and I had all the necessary items delivered to Lily's dismal apartment.
After work, I'm downstairs at the door to Lily's building. I stare at the call box and raise my had to buzz when the door opens. A young man exists he nearly falls from being pulled by the dog on the leash and I enter before the door closes.
Number 6, if I recall from Jimmy's text.
I knock, I hear laughter it's louder and I can tell it's Lily.
"Who is it?"
I hesitate taking a deep breath.
I relaxed my shoulders and speak clearly, "It's Miranda."
Silence. Several seconds pass before the door opens. I'm met with an angry Lily; I look past her and at Andrea sitting holding little William.
I move to enter but Lily blocks my path. I'm annoyed.
"What are you doing here Miranda?"
"I'm here to see my son."
"You should have called first. You can't just show up Miranda you have to call."
She reiterates by pointing at the floor for emphasis; I hold back a retort.
"If I had called the answer would have been no."
She crosses her arms a smirk on her full lips, "you're damned right. After all you've done you're lucky to have been allowed at the hospital."
"Lily," Andrea whispered from the sofa, "it's okay. Let her in."
She huffs uncrossing her arms and steps away from the door turning to Andrea.
"Don't give in to her all of this is her fault. You had to have a c-section and almost died because of her shit."
I cringe because it was true.
"Lily please."
Lily sighs nodding.
I close the door, "I would like a moment alone with my family," I whisper my eyes locked on Andrea. They are pleading with her to grant me this request.
Lily steps forward, "no."
I whip around to face Lily, "why are you so involved in our marriage?"
"Maybe because your wife is my best friend and you cheated on her and threw her out on the street." She steps closer invading my space.
"Watch yourself you know nothing," I hiss closing in the distance between us.
We are in a standoff and only stand down when Andrea whispers a soft, "please." She sounds tired defeated and I am at her side in lighting speed.
"I'll be in the bedroom if you need me." She smiles at Andrea before her gaze shifts to me her eyes dark, her expression hard. She spins on her heel.
Once I certain we are alone I place my arm around her and my hand on William. I coo at him and Andrea laughs. This is how it should be. But the moment is cut short.
"You have an hour." She hands him over to me awkwardly rising once I have him securely tucked against my chest; she then heads toward the kitchen. After grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge she takes a seat at the little table. I'm deflated. Andrea has always been a bad pretender as she feigns interest in the Vogue; I know she's staying close so she can observe. She doesn't trust me with our son.
An hour passes too fast and like lighting Lily is removing William from my arms holding him to her chest as she glares at me. I return the hard stare before stepping around her. I'm nearly at the door when Andrea acknowledges me.
"Miranda."
I pause at my name being called I am hopeful could it be that she wants me to stay longer or talk?
"Next time please call before you come."