It has been 3 months since Lillian was attacked and 2 months, 3 weeks and 2 days since I found out about that attack. The squad at SVU has been forthcoming about any information they have received, as to be expected, and as a result of their diligent work I have a solid case. Our trial date is coming up in two weeks and despite not getting there yet, I would truly like to have a trial exam with Lillian so she can get used to sitting on the stand, looking at the jury box, using her wonderfully vivid imagination to picture people sitting in those chairs listening to her tell her truth. However, I am sitting here in my home office finishing some research for another case I am going to be defending after her case is complete. I have taken to working hybrid remote for the last two or three weeks, doing as much as I can from my home office and then when absolutely necessary heading in to my actual office to meet clients and such. Not because I don't want to be at the office mind you – but because I want to be closer to her if she should need me for anything. She's been having a tough time over the last couple of weeks and while I promised to never pressure her into talking about anything (I learned my lesson about that the night I found out about her attack) I want to make sure that I can keep a close eye on her – just to make sure. I want to be able to be here and accessible for her if she needs me. That is, after all, my job.

She's been doing ok, all things considered. Last week was a rough one for her though. She ended up spending a couple of days in hospital because she was having such a difficult time dealing with the stress that the upcoming trial was giving her. She is so good at concealing what is happening with her emotionally and while I am getting better at cracking that mysterious code, she is still able to push things down. On Thursday after dinner we were sitting on the couch relaxing and watching TV. She was being exceptionally quiet so I looked over at her and noticed that she was taking very slow deep breaths. After a moment or two of that she closed her eyes and continued breathing deeply. We have come up with a way for me to ask if she is alright without fully asking that question.

"Lillian"

She didn't respond and kept breathing deeply.

"Full disclosure?"

She pursed her lips and told me what was happening. It seems she was having pain in her arm, and then it started to travel towards her heart which she said was beating quite fast. She initially thought the faster heartbeat was from having too much coffee that day, but she was getting concerned when she had the pain in her arm. When she told me that I wasn't about to take any chances so I called 911 and got an ambulance to take us to the hospital. When it arrived I sat in the back with her and held her hand as the medics tended to her and we rushed to the hospital. They hooked her up to a number of cardiac machines to make sure that her heart was ok. After running a myriad of tests at the hospital and asking what seemed like thousands of questions about her, me and life in general, they determined that she was having a panic attack. Of course I immediately (albeit internally) blamed myself for this because if it weren't for me she wouldn't have been attacked and she wouldn't be going through the whole process in the first place. The attending Doctor suggested she stay in hospital for a day or two a) for observation and b) to make sure that there were no further underlying issues. They could also try a couple of different medications to get the anxiety symptoms under control. We talked about it and she saw how this would be the best for her. I like to think that I was persuasive in that decision but she insisted that she realized that she can't keep having pains like that, and wants to be able to have a somewhat normal life. I got her into a private room so she could be on her own and not feel any more anxiety with all the people around for which she was very grateful. I made sure that her room had lovely flowers in it, lilies of course, some roses and orchids – three of her absolute favorites. I spent as much time with her at the hospital as I could, the benefits of having a private room means you have extended visiting time. During her stay, we have a very intense discussion about what made this specific anxiety event happen. I remember sitting beside her while we were having a very quiet lunch. I put down my sandwich and looked at her.

"How are you doing?"

She looked at me with concern.

"Well, I'm in a hospital bed so obviously not 100%, Rafi."

I couldn't help but smile.

"Despite being here your wit is sharp as ever. You know if there's anything you want to talk about, I have two ears."

She nodded her head.

"Actually, if you're willing…"
I put my sandwich down and turned to face her so she knew she had my full attention.

"I am always willing to listen to you. Take your time - we're not in a rush."

I took her hand in mind and gently, softly stroked the top with my thumb – hopefully reassuring her as she shared.

"Well, before you got here this morning I had an appointment with a counselor. Dr. Neufeld said she wanted to have a chat with me to see how I was processing the stress and all that stuff. We ended up talking about a lot of things, and I think I've figured out why I'm so anxious about the upcoming trial."

"I'm here, ready to help in any way I can. I know you know that."

She smiled weakly at me and nodded her head.

"I do Rafael, and I thank and love you for that. Despite being together for just under two years, we've never really talked about our families – well, I haven't at least. I know about yours, the situation with your Dad, how your Abuela passed but I haven't told you about my family. The truth is…"

She looks down at our joined hands and takes a deep breath.

"The truth is I don't really know. I don't know about my family, about my history, my blood family that is."

I am doing my best to not outwardly convey the concern of what she is sharing with me, so I continue to gently stroke her hand as she keeps softly talking.

"My birth mother surrendered me when I was about 6 days old under what I now know as the Safe Haven law. Apparently she had gone to the ER under a false name and left me in the triage room with a note attached to my blanket. It said she couldn't care for me, and she knew someone at the hospital would know what to do."

I can see the tears welling up in her eyes, and I can certainly feel them starting to fall down my own cheek. No wonder she hadn't told me about this, it must have been so painful for her to deal with. I hand her a tissue as she thanks me and continues.

"I was taken home and temporarily cared for by one of the nurses while they called CPS and did their investigation. I stayed with her until I was officially declared a ward of the state and was put up for adoption after they could not find any family or anyone wanting to come forward. I was adopted by my foster parents. They weren't rich by any stretch of the imagination, but what I do remember from my time with them I remember was full of love and happy memories."

She smiles as no doubt she is recalling events from her childhood that she doesn't want to share but have brought her joy. She takes a deep breath as she continues.

"One day when I was 14, my parents were in a car accident while I was at school. They didn't make it, and I came home to police outside the apartment we lived in and I had no idea what was happening. None of my adoptive relatives were willing to take me in and because of my age I couldn't live on my own, so I went into the system – again. That was crushing. I had a family that loved and cared for me and now their family didn't want to be burdened with caring for a 14 year old. No one wants to adopt a teenager, so I ended up in a group home and was there until I was 18."

The tears are streaming down her face as mine mimic hers. She takes a deep breath as she keeps talking.

"I think the reason why I am so afraid and anxious about the upcoming trial is that the last time I was in that Courthouse was the day that I became emancipated from the State. I had no one. I didn't know where to go, I didn't know what to do, I had no one to depend on. My parents had left me what they had as far as an estate goes so I knew I would financially be ok, but not knowing it for the second time in my life, I was completely alone. I don't want to walk into that building and feel the anxiety that I felt that day and I'm dreading it more than I can explain."

She draws her knees up to her chest and her body starts to tremble as she sheds tear after tear. All I can do is put my hand on her back and hold her as she cries – releasing all this frustrating and stress she has been holding on to. After a few moments her full body tears calm, and she looks up at me with sad eyes. I wipe away the tears on her cheeks with my thumb and I hand her another tissue which she readily accepts.

"Lillian, what do you need from me right now? If you'd like me to talk I will. If you need me to just sit here with you, I will do that too. Just tell me."

She smiles a weak smile towards me as she wipes her nose.

"I would like to know what you think of all this, now that you know. And you know that I love your voice almost as much as you do."

I can't help but smile a little at her as I try and formulate my thoughts before I speak. The last thing I want to do right now is to say the wrong thing. I think that's the best thing to say.

"Lillian, the last thing I want to do right now is to say the wrong thing, but I want you to know that if something I say comes out wrong or anything along those lines please know that is not my intent. All I want is to try and bring you some sort of comfort."

She nods her head at me.

"I understand, Rafi."

"Well, firstly I can't even begin to imagine what your childhood was like, and the difficulties that you went through and have overcome so well. I mean look at you! You are an incredible woman – smart, witty, sensitive and devastatingly gorgeous."

She starts to blush and I know I'm on the right track.

"I can't take back the isolation that you experienced at 18, especially from the Courthouse. The loneliness and anxiety that you felt through that entire situation can only be imagined. However, I know that you know that you need to be there at trial. So what I propose to you is this. Either this Sunday or next when there is no one at the Courthouse, well, very few people at least, we can walk in together at your pace. If you want to stop walking at any time, we will. If you want to go down to the Family Court room and you can cry and process however you want to, we will. We can have you sit on the witness stand in the Courtroom we'll be in for trial and you can get used to how it feels being there. How we approach the day will be entirely up to you and at the pace you can handle. We will stop and take breaks whenever you feel you need to. I can promise you nothing in regards to what will happen on that day, save one thing. You will not be alone, and you never will be – that day or any day coming. That is the only thing I can promise you and I think you know that it's a promise I fully intend to keep. You won't ever be alone, Lillian. I promise you that."

She leans towards me, resting her head on my shoulder as I take her in my arms and hold her.

"That's exactly what I needed to hear, Rafael. Thank you."

"You're welcome, mi amor."

I turn my head towards her and place a gentle kiss on her forehead – something I know she adores. Just as I begin to pull away from her we hear a knock on the door and the Doctor enters.

"Lillian. I see you have company."

She looks up at her Doctor and smiles.

"Yes, please let me introduce you. Dr. Neufeld, please meet my fiancée Rafael Barba. Rafi, Dr. Neufeld."

"It's a pleasure to meet you. I heard about you this morning."

"Oh really?"

I can feel Lillian start to giggle against my shoulder.

"Only good things Rafi, I promise."

"Obviously."

"I talked with him just now about what we discussed this morning, and I think we have a plan on how to overcome my issues with the upcoming trial. I think I'm gonna be ok."

Her doctor smiles and nods her head.

"I think you're going to be as well. I know that you are set for discharge this afternoon, but I'm going to recommend that you stay home for a couple of days – just to practice the breathing and relaxation we talked about."

She nods her head.

"I think that's a good idea."

"I can work from home so she can have support at hand if she needs it."

"Wonderful, I'm glad to hear that. Well, it's been a pleasure chatting with you today Lillian. My best to you both and congratulations on your engagement."

I look at Lillian as the Doctor closes the door behind her.

"What do you say we get out of here and head home?"

She smiles at me.

"I am so ready to do that."

I smile and shake my head to return my focus to the paperwork in front of me. She's home now, and that's all that truly matters. After a moment I hear a knock at my office door.

"Come on in."

The door opens and she looks at me with a smile on her face.

"Hey handsome."

I look around the office with a bemused expression.

"Oh, you mean me!"

"Who else?"

I smile at her as I respond.

"What's up, babe?"

"I bring you warm caffeinated gifts, and a suggestion."

"Coffee is my love language, yes please! What's your suggestion?"

She hands me a steaming cup of coffee as I take a sip and listen to her lovely voice.

"Well, I was thinking if you were able to work it into your work schedule, that we could do take out tonight for dinner and do a movie night. Thoughts?"

I smile and nod my head.

"That's absolutely do-able! I'll be done my work here in a couple of hours, so why don't I leave the night in your hands?"

"Sounds good. Do you have any thoughts for food?"

"Since your ears and neck wouldn't be considered sustenance, I'd say as long as it's delicious I'm game."

The sound of her laughter is like music to my ears, which is exactly what I was hoping for.

"I'll come get you when the food gets here. Around 7?"

"That's great. Te amo."

"Mucho."

She smiles and closes the door behind her as I watch her leave my office. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I will be thankful until my dying day that she is in my life.