Present January
RAFE
Jesus Christ! "I don't know where she is so leave me alone." I slam the office door in everyone's face.
Great Olivia would pick now to disappear.
Why the fuck do they think I know how to run this place. I can't take a call from Tokyo or San Fran. I can't order anything, and I can't talk to an unsatisfied customer.
For all I care someone can tell all of them to fuck off.
"Where the fuck are you Olivia?"
Her car is still outside. No one saw her leave so she has to still be here but I've checked everywhere. The penthouse, her office, the laundry room, cinema, gym, and the bar. She's not even answering her phone.
Okay Rafe. When Olivia used to play hide and seek with me she could always find me no matter where I was. How did she do it.
She tracked my key card! She just looked in the last place I accessed. Okay that should be easy.
I log in to her computer and pull up the application. Last place she accessed her card was… room 408.
What the hell is in 408 so interesting? Let's see.
I walk out the door pushing past everyone still complaining about their problem. "Yo, chill I'm going to find Olivia and she can take care of all of this." They all stop talking for a second. "So everyone just stay here and wait."
I walk in the room and instantly hear someone throwing up in the bathroom. "Olivia?"
"In here."
Olivia is sitting on the floor beside the toilet wiping her mouth with a towel.
"Are you okay?"
"Yea, just the side effects of the drugs or something." She leans back against the tub. "I'm fine really."
"Everyone has been looking for you for hours." I sit on the tub ledge beside her. "Do you want me to call someone?"
"No, I actually feel better."
"What happened to your head?" She has a small lump on her forehead.
"Bent down too far and hit my head on the toilet." She winces as she touches the bump. "Can you get me some ice?"
When I reenter the room with a bucket of ice Olivia is sitting on the bed.
"Thank you." She grabs a few pieces with her hand putting it on her forehead.
"Ma called."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her you were in a meeting."
"Good, good." Olivia stands up walking back into the bathroom looking into the mirror. "The side effects are just as bad as the disease."
"What did Jaime say?"
"She says I'm doing much better. Complete 180."
"For real! I mean I thought they couldn't do anything." I walk into the bathroom sitting on the toilet. I just want to be close to her.
"They tell you that so you won't get your hopes up." She smiles at me turning around to face me.
She does look a little better. She hasn't been sleeping as much.
"When's the last time you went to the doctor?"
"Yesterday. Wolfe went with me."
"Why? Ma wants to go." I've never understood why she loves Wolfe so much. The woman is evil and conniving. She lives to piss everyone off especially Ma.
"I don't want your mother to worry just in case they give me bad news. But so far it has been really good."
"So why not take her or me?" I know I sound like a needy child, but I would like to go at some point, so I can hear the good news.
"You have school and work and your mother…she needs to…" She stares at something behind me shaking her head. "Don't worry so much. I am doing so much better, both of you have a lot on your plate the last thing you need to worry about is my doctor's appointment." She runs her hand through my hair. I like when she does that.
Olivia throws the ice in the sink. "I'm going to put out these fires then take the rest of the day off. You do the same. Go see about Brittany."
"Cool."
"Have you picked out a name yet?" I follow her out of the room and to the elevator.
"Nah, Brittany keeps shooting down my names." I push the button for the lobby. "How can she not like Optimus."
Olivia leans against the wall staring at her watch.
"Are you really okay?"
"Yes, If you don't believe me just take a look at the red folder on my desk it has everything in it. I don't have anything to hide." She looks at me holding her hand out.
I move into her reach.
"You know I love you. So I'm doing everything I can to be with you as long as possible."
I don't know what it is about her that turns me into the seven year old jumping off the steps. But she does. And all I want to do is jump into her arms. "I just want to help."
"You help your mother out with the babies. That's the best way you can help me."
DORIS
A 2-week bender. 2 weeks and I feel like shit. I feel lower than shit. I don't know what is lower than shit but that is what I am.
I need drugs, alcohol and sex. If I could get out of bed I could get them all, but I can't get out of bed. Hopefully another day or two then I can get out of bed. I can turn on the lights, take a shower, get dressed and rail on someone.
A sliver of light burst into the room hurting my eyes. "Johnny, I swear to God if you don't close that door I'm going to hurt you."
"Promise?"
Right, of course Olivia is here. Why would I have a peaceful day in bed.
I feel her slide into the bed behind me.
"What are you doing here?"
"Duh! I came to see my best friend." Her arm slide across my hip. "Blake told me what you've been up to."
"Of course she has." Not like it was a secret. I'm sure everyone got a message that their Mayor was hopped up again. "What are you doing here?"
She reaches over me turning on the lamp.
I close my eyes to stop the pain. It doesn't help.
"You look like hell."
"Thank you." I try to pull the cover over my head but Olivia yanks it back. "You always hog the covers."
"You know I hate being cold." Her chin rest on my shoulder. "How long since you used?"
"What time is it?"
"Mhm, you got any left."
"Is that funny? I mean, am I supposed to laugh?" I shrug her off me. "You should take it on the road. Do a world tour." I need to get away from her before I choke her.
For the first time in 24 hours I stand up from my bed. My legs feel like jello yet they weigh a ton.
"Tour would be kind of short because of the whole dying thing." She sits up combing a stray hair from her face. She smiles pulling the duvet up to her chin.
"OH that was funny too! You got any more material you been working on? I'm sure everyone would love to hear them!" In a fit I pull the covers off the bed throwing them in the corner of the room.
"I was just getting warm. It's cold as death outside." She quirks an eyebrow. "Get it?"
I look at her sitting on the bed looking small in the king-sized bed. She looks pale and sick. For the first time she actually looks deathly sick.
"What?"
I crawl on her bed and on top of her. I could fuck her and that might make me feel better. But it won't change the future. It won't change the past and it won't do any of us any good.
"What are you going to fuck me?" She laughs because she can read my mind.
"Do you want me to?" I ask being very serious. Sure, it won't change anything but...
"If I said yes, would you?"
I don't answer her but I do kiss her. Olivia is a good kisser. Always has been, even drunk. But she doesn't kiss me back.
"Would you?" I asks her.
"No, not only because I'm married but because you really don't want to have sex with me." Olivia rolls on her side forcing me to the bed. "You're just acting out."
"Acting out?" I roll over on my back staring at myself in the mirror above.
"Yes, things get hard or something happens that you don't like then there you go, off to have sex with some random person. Or me, or Blake or your secretary."
"I do not. I'm a rational person. I work through my problems." She isn't the only comedian.
"After you fuck someone." Her hand pats my stomach. "You haven't changed since college. But that's not an entirely bad thing. You've always been reliable and predictable."
Predictable? "I'm not predictable. I'm spontaneous."
"You are very predictable. Just like I knew you have been through the organ donation register and found someone I was compatible with. Then you pick one and had Johnny and Rodney lock him in your secret warehouse."
I sit up looking down at her. How the fuck does she know about the warehouse?
"Yea, I know all about it, which is why I've already freed him and paid him off. Did you know he has two sons, one of which plays the flute and the other plays basketball with Alex?" She laces her fingers behind her head. She has the audacity to look at peace.
I'll just have Johnny pick him up again.
"See I know everything about you. I know what you are thinking, and I know what your next move is before you do." She smiles a full tooth smile, sitting up.
I laugh, and I can't stop. I don't even know why I'm laughing. There nothing funny about this situation. But I keep laughing getting a funny look from Olivia.
"So that's funny but my joke aren't?"
As sudden as it begins I stop laughing. I don't know why I hadn't thought of this earlier. Stupid me think she would want to live. "This is what you've wanted since him."
"He has a name, she has a name."
"Tell me Olivia, this is what you want, right? You've been trying to kill yourself since that night."
She stares at me because it's the truth. All the overdoses, risky behavior all have been leading up to this and this time I can't stop it. I can't just do CPR or have her stomach pumped. I can't threaten to have her locked up or offer help. No this is final and this is what she has always wanted. "You must be elated."
"Just over the moon." She rolled her dull green eyes.
"Bullshit Olivia. I sure you're just giddy about this whole situation. It's what you've wanted since graduation, right?"
"You think I want to slowly die?"
"Yes Olivia I believe this is what you want. I can see it in your eyes. You don't give a shit if you live or die." I roll out of bed pacing the room. "Well go-ahead Olivia. Go home and wait because I'll tell you one thing, I'm not going to be there to watch you die." I stop at the foot of the bed glaring at her. "You want to die, go-ahead and get it over with already."
She smiles again.
"Really if that is what you want then just don't expect me to weep over your grave or sit in some hospital waiting for you to take your last breath."
"You will be, probably the only one to hold my hand as I fight to stay, probably the only one I can trust to tell me its ok to go if the pain is too much. You'll be there as Rodney runs to his drugs, as Natalia heartbreaks and as my kids look for a reason." She scoots to the foot of the bed sitting in front of me. "Until then you need things to keep you occupied so you won't have to deal with the emotions. And that is why I'm here. You're going to drive yourself crazy laying in this bed or sitting in an office." She pulls at my silk shirt pulling me to stand between her legs. "You confuse me with the Olivia you knew after college. No, I didn't care if I lived or died. I didn't care what day it was or who I let use me that night. But that's not me anymore. You know that. I have a wife and children who are depending on me. In the past yes, I've needed you to scrape me off the floor but now I need you to keep yourself off the floor."
Her eyes are pale. The shine is gone like she is already dead. She's already accepted her fate.
"I need you to help with the management of the hotel, until I find someone else. I need you to make good with my wife because she has too much on her plate already. I need you, to be you and delegate."
"No."
She lays her head on my stomach. "Yes. Because you are my best friend. And I know you will eventually without me having to ask but I need you now."
She does know me. Because even though I say I won't, I will. I'll be there at the end.
"I don't want to die. I never have, just…the pain."
I step away from her.
"But you and I know how fragile life is. So, if things don't go my way, I need to make plans." Her hand fidget and wrestle each other.
"Plans?"
"Yes, plans. Natalia is going to need help, your help."
That's a laugh. Me helping Natalia. Even if I wanted to help she wouldn't allow it. It would just turn into WW3 anyhow.
"I really need you to take care of my family while I'm sick. When I get better, I owe you. But right now, I need you to be nice and work with Rafe to keep my house out of chaos."
"I can't believe I'm about to say this, but you don't give your wife enough credit." I force the words out, they burn my tongue as they leap off the tip. It's the withdrawals talking.
"I know you don't think she will allow it, but she will. Rafe is going to have a baby. The twins are in every single activity you can think of and Emma always has projects."
"Oh, you want me to marry your wife!" I burst out in laughter again.
"NO! And if you try to have sex with her I'm going to haunt you!" She shake a finger at me.
Now that would be something. Sex with Natalia.
"And stop picturing it! I'm not dead yet."
"You look tired." I take a seat next to my best friend.
"I get it. You hate to lose. You play these little games in your life to feel like you have control of everything. But you don't. I would think your mother would have taught you that there is no controlling anything."
"Don't bring my mother into this." I feel my blood boil at the mention of her.
"I need you to hear me. What's the one thing in your life you have wanted more than anything?" Olivia takes my hand.
Blake. "Money."
"Okay we will call her money."
We both laugh.
"Money has spent her entire adult life trying to love you. And what do you do? You push her away. The first time she does something you don't like or someone else wants her attention you run. You find some girl to bed. Just to feel in control. But has it done you any good? Have the games you played and won brought you any closer to having Money?"
"No."
"In fact, it has pushed her away. So, tell me how has trying controlling everything worked out for you?"
"It hasn't." I'm big enough to admit that I fucked up with Blake. I did everything wrong and I still am.
"You are so worried that Money is going to be taken away, you push first." My hand is released. Olivia scoots back up the bed finding a pillow to lay her head upon.
"You've told me this before." I crawl up the bed, rolling Olivia over on her back. I slip between her legs. "Keep going because I know you've practice this before coming."
"We could have been something."
For the first time in a decade there is a sadness in her eyes when mentioning us.
I counter. "We still could."
"You're such a good liar sometimes."
I think Olivia has always known Blake has always had my heart. There was never a chance for us as long as there was a sliver of hope with Blake. "Maybe if I had met you first."
"No." It's true we've always wanted different things. I hate to admit it but Natalia is perfect for her. I don't think either of us would have it any other way either.
I peek down her shirt, getting my hand slapped in the process. "What do you want me to do?"
"Make sure the business is there for my children when they are old enough. Keep the accounts full and make sure Natalia doesn't worry herself to death. I don't need any company for a long while."
Her hands comb the hairs at the nape of my neck.
"If you don't stop I can't be held responsible for my actions." I lay my head on her chest. "Who's going to doctor with you?" I don't know what it's supposed to sound like, it's no fainter, doesn't sound like its skipping beats.
"My wife and that is not going to change."
"What did they say?" I really don't want to know.
"Jaime seems optimistic. The medication seems to be working, the side effects are shit."
I roll off her and off the bed. I need a shower.
"Jackie says I am doing better then she hoped for, with no surgery."
"That's good right?"
"Yes, if this continues I'll be healthy enough for other options besides a transplant. So, we'll just keep our fingers crossed." Olivia yawns.
I retrieve my duvet covering her with it. "So maybe all of this is for nothing."
"Just to be on the safe side." Her eyes close.
"How about a little incentive?"
"You mean beside staying alive."
"Yes." I turn the lamp off. "You croak and I'm definitely having sex with Natalia."
"Shut up."
"Rest." I step out of the room closing the door behind me.
Olivia is a good liar too, but in her state she is slipping. I know everything is not getting better. She forgot to take the hospital bracelet off signaling a recent visit.
I walk down the hall opening Johnny and Rodney's door. I don't have to look to see what they are doing. "When you two get done meet me down stairs."
Rodney's head pops up from Johnny's lap.
Johnny covers his face with a pillow.
"Get cleaned up first."
NATALIA
I'm going crazy. I know I am. The panic attacks are back in full force. And it's not just when she closes a door. No, I can deal with that. It's every time she misses a phone call or waits too long to text back. It's every time she's not in my sights, not in my arms and I can't feel her heart beating.
I can't concentrate on anything else besides the life that is slipping away.
My taste buds are gone again. How can I make a descent meal for my family when I can't taste what is in front of me?
It's snowing outside, I love snow. But I'm not excited, all I can think about is flu and cold season. If the television is right, Olivia is in trouble. Her body can't fight off the sickness. And we have children.
Children carry germs. Three precious little lights that could possibly carry the germs that could put their mother in the hospital.
"Ma, come look at our snowman!" Alex burst in the kitchen jumping at my side.
His gloves are missing, along with his hat and his nose is running.
"Look!" He pulls me to the door.
Sure enough Rafe, Brittany, Olivia, Emma and Lexi are standing proudly next to a life size snowman, complete with a carrot nose and charcoal eyes. One of Rafe's neckties is around his neck. Alex's hat is on top of his head.
Lexi is wrapped around Olivia's leg but all I can see is her rubbing her runny nose on Olivia's pants leg. All I can hear is Emma coughing into her bare hands then taking Olivia's.
The panic starts to rise again threatening to choke me.
"Don't you like it?" Alex pulls on my shirt.
I don't know. I can't see it anymore. I don't remember what is looks like. I can't see it anymore.
"Yes. You did a good job." I dust the snow from his curly brown hair. "Go get warm, I have cocoa and chili on the stove."
He stomps his feet depositing more snow on the floor.
"Lexi, Emma come inside and get warm."
Emma, always the independent one, races inside. But Lexi, always cautions of Rafe's presents holds tight to Olivia's leg.
Olivia picks her up, clearly struggling to stand up right.
Our daughters' nose is running, and she coughs without covering her mouth.
Without thought I run down the stairs taking our youngest from Olivia. I bite my tongue to keep from scolding both of them.
It's not Lexi's fault Olivia is sick. She's a child, they cough forgetting to cover their mouth. They sneeze in their little hands and without second thought touch everything in their path.
It's why I bought extra disinfectant, soap, medicine and hand sanitizer.
"Sweetheart, you're scaring her."
I stop at the top of the stairs and sure enough Lexi is stiff in my arms.
Her small frozen hand presses against my cheek. No she's not scared of me, she thinks I am. And I am.
Her amber eyes like mine are so full of emotions, too much for her age.
Her fingers rub my jaw sliding to my chin, repeating the motion.
"Ma, what's up with you?" Rafe stands beside Olivia and Brittany at the bottom of the stairs.
I stare at them.
Why am I the only one who sees the danger Olivia is in? Why don't they take the same precautions? Why am I the only one worried? I'm not the crazy one.
"I'm sorry baby." I kiss Lexi's cold cheek and set her down on the feet. "Go get changed."
She runs inside, lest be left alone with Rafe.
I clear my throat watching the white clouds of air float away.
The snowman behind them sits idle but even his black eyes seem judgmental.
"I made cocoa." I turn away from them and walk into the kitchen.
This place is where my love can take physical form, filling my family. The family we made. The family we kept together out of sheer will, stubbornness, and love.
This place where we sit, eat, pray and laugh. Inside this place where I can keep them safe.
But the outside world is cold and unforgiving.
Somehow its swept into my kingdom reminding me no one is safe.
I want to pull everyone in and lock the doors. I don't want to let them ever leave. I want to huddle around the table and wait.
"Ma, you okay? You look pale." Rafe voice floats to my ear, but I really don't understand his question. How can anyone be ok?
"I made cocoa." My voice sounds far away and unlike my own.
I follow Olivia into the living room where she flops onto the couch.
The basket of clothes on the couch are still warm from the dryer.
I pull a towel from the pile.
Miraculously she lets me dry the melted snow from her hair without a fight.
She struggles out of her coat and boots.
"Put these on." I hand her the flannel pajamas.
"I'm not a child."
I refrain from arguing as she starts to change, her breathing becoming labored.
The tingling around my brain starts to make me feel dizzy and I realize I'm matching her every breathing.
Finally, she slips on the fuzzy socks over her swollen ankles clearly exhausted.
"Let me get you something to eat."
"No, I'm not hungry. Sit with me."
For a second, I think about it. I want to. I could sit beside her until the end of time. But there are things that need to be done. The chili is still on the stove. I have to get bowls out, the kids favorite cups.
On cue our three little ones all jump down the stairs in matching black and red sweat suits.
I bought everyone a suit hoping to take family pictures in them. It would have been so cute.
I look at them playing with each other then at Olivia. Her eyes are already closed.
"Come on let me get you all something to eat." They follow me into the kitchen sitting in their favorite chairs.
"Ma, I'm taking Brittany home before it gets too dark. And before you say anything," Rafe holds up a plastic container of chili. "I got her something to eat."
Brittany rubbing her stomach looking worried at me. "Thank you."
"I'll be back in about an hour." Rafe waves as they walk out the door.
I need to stay busy. I make four bowls of chili and cups of cocoa.
I watch as the children happily eat wiggling in their chairs without a care in the world. But my children are very perceptive.
"Ma, you're not eating." Emma leans towards me looking in my bowl. She moves the bowl closer to me. "I know what will make you happy."
Before I can protest, she runs out of the kitchen.
A minute later she returns with Olivia in tow. She pushes Olivia to the empty chair beside me.
With pride bursting from her chest, she smiles. "Are you happy?"
I burst into tears.
That question that started all of this.
Am I happy? I wasn't until I met Olivia. Sure we've had our ups and downs but I was always happy. I was on top of the world, nothing could touch us. But it did. Something touched us and is threatening to take all of it away.
"Why don't you all take your cocoa and start a movie." Olivia takes my hand.
Lexi climbs from her chair standing beside me. She runs her hand across my face stroking my jaw. Happy. She signs and runs after her siblings.
"Hey." Olivia pulls her chair closer. "Are you trying to race me to the grave?" She has the audacity to make a joke about dying.
"Is that suppose to be funny?" I stare at the chili in front of me.
"It killed at cemetery."
I push my chair away from the table. "Do you want some hot chocolate?" I pick up the bowls taking them to the sink.
"Would it make you feel better if I ate some?"
The ire inside me surges. I drop the bowls in the sink turning back to her. "What would make me feel better is if someone took this whole situation seriously. If you would stop joking!"
"You don't think I'm taking this serious?" Olivia stands up leaning against the table for support.
"No! All I hear from you are jokes or everything will be okay." I realize I'm shouting. I lower my voice asking the question no one has the answer to. "What if it isn't?"
Olivia's eyes soften and cloud with tears. With slow steady steps she walks to me wrapping me in her arms. "I know I can't promise forever or even next year."
I bury my face in the crook of her neck taking in the smell of expensive perfume and the sweet tangy scent of her.
"You've always been the strong one. When I was willing to throw it all away you stayed steadfast. All the times I've fucked up, you've been there keep this thing going. All because you have faith; in God, me, our love. So don't give up now when our children need you the most. We can't predict the future but we can live now and determine how we spend it."
"I'm scared." There I said it. I'm scared of the future; the next year, month, day and hour. They scare me.
"We all are. It's why in moments like these we have friends and family even if they're scared too." Olivia pulls me back to the table where a lone bowl of chili sits.
We sit refusing to talk about the future without Olivia.
"You need your strength." She takes the spoon scooping a small portion of chili.
I take the offered food slowly chewing it.
"Have I ever told you how sexy you are when you're mad?" Olivia moves closer.
"Don't."
"What? Don't find my wife attractive? Don't thank God I have the hottest woman in this town? Or don't do this?" She tilts my head towards her kissing the side of my mouth. She moves to kiss my lips. Her tongue licks my lips and I have no choice but to kiss her back.
She pulls me until I'm in her lap.
"What do you say we put on a documentary to put the kids to sleep then we indulge in some adult play time." Her hands caress my hips.
"I'm still mad at you."
She groans. "Even better."