Conrad
It had been a few days since the boardwalk showdown, and while things were still awkward, Belly is now at least talking to me again. At least while we were all in a group, but she also didn't leave any chance of us being alone together. That's okay though, because I know when she LITERALLY ran away from me yesterday, she was actually running from her feelings for me. She's just too scared to let me in again, even as a friend.
So I've been letting her run, letting her have her space. But today is her birthday, and there's no way I'm not going to go all out for her 21st. I left an envelope with gift certificates to the spa on her bedroom door, enough for all the girls to go. It's going to put Belly in a good mood, as well as keep her out of the house long enough for me to decorate. Her parents will be here soon to help, she's going to be so surprised. Skye and Cam are setting up karaoke, Stephen is on cake duty, and Jere, Laurel, John, and myself will be putting up decorations. Jere and I have been inviting all her friends from Cousins, Shay invited her friends from Finch, and Taylor invited several of their friends from Boston that would be willing to make the drive. And to top it off, there would be a mountain of gifts for her to open. Never again will I let her think that I forgot her birthday.
The day flew by and soon the house was packing with guests hiding in the darkened house. Taylor had messaged Stephen to let him know they were five minutes away, so now we were just waiting for them to walk through the door. All the work was worth it to see the look on her face when we all jumped out and she took in the house filled with people she loves.
"Don't cry CinderBelly!" Taylor said, hugging her from behind.
"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to," Belly said, laughing even as she wiped away the tears. "I love you guys so much for this," she started hugging all her friends, making her way into the house.
When it was my turn for a hug, she hesitated. "Don't make it weird, Belly," I said. I pulled her into a half hug. "Happy birthday." She smiled up at me before pulling away and moving on to her parents.
Most everyone only stayed for an hour or so as most of them had a long drive back home. After around 10 it was down to just our main group and a few friends from Cousins, so I broke out the good blender and whipped up some more of the Belly Special margaritas.
When I made it back to the living room they had started karaoke. Laurel was butchering a Tom Petty song, while Belly and Taylor were flipping through the song catalog.
"Hey Con, you're up next man."
"Oh fuck no I am not," I said laughing. "It looks like Belly and Taylor are up next anyway."
"Don't be a coward, Conbad. Pick a song." Taylor said, tossing me a book. "I already picked for Belly and she picked for me. You can go after she does."
I groaned, knowing this was probably part of her plotting. But I picked up the book anyway while she took the stage and belted out Nonsense by Sabrina Carpenter. I tried to hide my face so she couldn't see how horrified I was by how bad of a singer she is. It must not have worked though, because as soon as she was done singing she was jumping on my back and wailing on me. "Thank god you have such tiny hands, otherwise this might actually hurt." I teased, laughing at her. But all the laughter drained out of me when I heard the opening chords of the song Belly was about to sing.
I walked through the door with you
The air was cold
But something about it felt like home somehow
And I, left my scarf there at your sister's house
And you've still got it in your drawer even now
Oh, your sweet disposition
And my wide-eyed gaze
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days
This is what I get for thinking Taylor was actually on my side.
And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more
And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all
I don't think Belly even realized what was happening, or at least she didn't relate the song to herself, because she was giggling and singing the verses. But each line felt like a punch in the gut.
'Cause there we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me
Wind in my hair, I was there
I remember it all too well
Photo album on the counter
Your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee-ball team
You told me 'bout your past thinking your future was me
Does she really not see the connection? I wanted to glare at Taylor, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Belly.
And you were tossing me the car keys
Fuck The Patriarchy keychain on the ground
We were always skippin' town
And I was thinkin' on the drive down: Any time now
He's gonna say it's love
You never called it what it was
And then she made eye contact with me, and I could see behind the smile. She knew exactly what she was doing. And she was hiding it well in front of everyone else. So bold. And bordering on cruel. I felt her heartbreak in that gaze. It was the same way they looked that night at the beach when she was crying, yelling that she would have fought for us. If I had known, I would have fought for you.. Those words echo in my nightmares. I feel sick watching her.
Til we were dead and gone and buried
Check the pulse and come back swearing, it's the same
After three months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you
But all I felt was shame
And you held my lifeless frame
And I know it's long gone and
There was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to
'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night
We're dancin' 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there
I remember it all too well
I looked away then, but only because I couldn't help looking over at the kitchen where we had danced so many times. And then over to the fireplace. Everyone else was laughing and talking and absolutely ignoring the way that Belly was crushing me right now.
And there we are again when nobody had to know
You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath
Sacred prayer and we'd swear
To remember it all too well, yeah
I couldn't look back at her now, I just pretended to look through the book and tried to focus on my breathing. I am going to kill Taylor for this.
They say all's well that ends well
But I'm in a new hell every time
You double-cross my mind
You said if we had been closer in age
Maybe it would've been fine
And that made me want to die
The idea you had of me, who was she?
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel
Whose shine reflects on you
Not weepin' in a party bathroom
Some actress askin' me what happened: You
That's what happened: You
How freaking long is this song? Of course they would pick the 10 minute version. Jere plopped down next me. "You enjoying call out karaoke?"
"What?" I ground out.
You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
Sippin' coffee like you're on a late-night show
But then he watched me watch the front door all night
Willin' you to come
And he said: It's supposed to be fun
Turning 21
He had the audacity to laugh. "We started the horrible game a couple years ago, Tay calls it call out karaoke. You got off easy." I looked at him incredulously. "No, I'm serious, man. She hit me with 'You Oughta Know' by Alanis Morissette. In front of my entire Frat, and the girl I was out with." I choked on a laugh.
Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again
But I'm still tryin' to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it
'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah
"Ouch. But this is fucking rough." I rubbed my chest.
He nodded. "Which is why you need to choose what you pick carefully," He stood, patting me on the back and walked away.
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?
'Cause in this city's barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well
Fuck me. I try desperately to tune out the last few lines of the song. How can one song break me so entirely, and she just bounces away to giggle with her friends.
But I took Jere's advice, and had picked the only song that I could relate to right now. I flipped off the machine and grabbed my guitar.
I always told you
That I would be for you
And nobody else
I was a warrior
In love with a girl whose
Soul I felt
In your warmth
The sun was put to shame
I wouldn't change a thing
Was it pain or was it circumstance
That pulled you
From my broken hands
Did you know that you'd be leaving me
With darkness I couldn't see through
She was trying not to look at me, but I didn't bother looking away from her once.
If you asked me to
I would still run to you
Like I promised
If you needed me
I would be bound
Completely honest
Cause you've got a home
Wherever I go
Truth be told
My souls still tied to yours
This was way harder than anything I have ever done. It felt like I was laying myself out bare. In front of everyone.
If ever there's a day that you thirst
I will be a cool clear stream
To your lips
If you could hear me somehow
I would cry I would howl
I am thunder
I will be a drought to the rains
That pull you under
If you asked me to
I would still run to you
Like I promised
If you needed me
I'd be bound
Completely honest
Cause you've got a home
Wherever I go
Truth be told
My souls still tied to yours
Time will heal our wounds
Love will find us soon
If you asked me to
I would still run to you
Like I promised
If you needed me
I would be bound
Completely honest
Cause you've got a home
Wherever I go
Truth be told
My souls still tied to yours
If you asked me to
I'd run to you
If you needed me
I'm bound true
I finished the song, and Belly excused herself to walk outside.
"Jesus, Conbad. That was deep. You probably just scared her off." Taylor said.
"Oh Connie," Laurel said, wrapping her arms around me. "That was beautiful." I hugged her back before following Belly outside.
She was at the dock when I reached her. She whirled on me. "What was that?" She sounded confused, and angry.
"Me? I was just following your lead."
She stared at me for a long time, keeping herself closed off. I was glad she had come out to the dock though. Because I had one last surprise for her. "Come here." She ignored me. "Isabel. Come. Here." She rolled her eyes, but moved to stand beside me. I pulled the cover off her second to last gift.
"Is that…" She trailed off, and ran her hand over the telescope. "Why?"
"Because Venus is an evening star tonight." I pulled her final gift out of my pocket and slid it across the rail to her.
She was torn between wanting to run away again, and opening the velvet rectangle. She ignored it for a while, instead looking out at venus. I just leaned on the railing, enjoying the time she's allowing me to be around her. Finally, she grabbed the box and opened it. Inside was another silver necklace, but this one had a vibrant orange Venus hanging on it. She slid the box shut, and stood straight.
"This whole day.. The entire party. You planned it all to end this way didn't you?" She said, looking out at the beach.
"Well, there is no way I could have planned you serenading me like that…" I teased, bumping my shoulder into hers. "But you know… it's supposed to be fun turning 21."
"Ha ha, very funny." She said. "When I agreed to play, I didn't know she'd pick one so.. Obvious. I didn't mean for it to hurt you." She said softly, finally turning to look at me.
"I deserved it." I said simply. "But if you must know… It didn't just maim me… It destroyed me. Lying to you… Pushing you away.. Hurting you… Destroyed me. I'll never stop hating myself for it."
She slid into my arms, pulling me close. A real hug this time. We held each other like that for what felt like hours until finally we parted and headed back to the house. She let me walk her to her room, and gave me a small hug before shutting her door on me again.
This night had not gone as I had planned. But it had went perfectly all the same.