Now? This is when I'm going to feel it? Really? Michonne groaned internally. She has always felt fortunate, proud even, of her physique. She has always been strong, and energy was never an issue. But today, like yesterday, the week before that, or even a month ago. It's all just been off.
She's on a high, life-wise. So now she's guilty and it does not make sense. Her husband is back. Their family is back. Life has been good to them. It's not just winning a little anymore. Michonne feels blessed. Whatever it is her body is going through is probably just fatigue. It must be. Nothing is stopping their newfound lease in happiness.
But it's just that tonight, it feels so…
"He is just such a funny kid… I still think about it all, Chonne… Michonne? What's bothering you?" Fuck. he knows. He always knew. Just like she did for him.
"Hmm? Nothing. Sounds like you had a full day today with the kids."
"We did. Judith nagging at RJ and me during training. I swear she was the one training us. RJ was kidding around being a little goofball, I can't help joking along! It was…" Rick could see she was somewhere else. A unique occurrence for him in the years they've been together, even the years apart.
Her nods and smiles felt like autopilot.
"Come on, Michonne."
One thing she loved about him was how much he got her, but now she wanted him not to. Just until tomorrow. Maybe she just needs a full night's sleep. Which she's gotten already. But maybe one more night's rest will do the trick.
She finishes up lathering the balm on her skin, breathing in deep. She took in the scents of her bedroom, allowing it to grounded her. The leather of his boots, the clean sheets, the oil in her hair. Something about it gave her the courage to open up about this, as best as she could. Michonne turns to face her husband, lying on the bed in his home clothes. She noticed that she'd never seen him so at ease. But now the furrow in his brow and the vein on his forehead means this, again, is the Rick she's seen more of. Even though she's more used to it, she hates it. Michonne wants him as peaceful as he can be and then some. It does not help that she has caused the worry in him.
"It's nothing. I'm just... Tired."
"Are you sure?" He inches up to her, lying on his stomach, looking up at her. He takes her hand in his and she just unravels.
"I don't know. I'm scared. I've never felt this way and it leads me to think that…"
Rick isn't shocked by the sudden flux of emotions from her, in fact, he welcomes it. He's just shocked that his wife must have been mulling over this for so long to come to this point.
"Talk to me, baby," he coaxes her. Now sitting, to meet her sight at the same level.
"My mom. She passed cause of cancer. I was thinking of getting things checked before all of this started, especially as I got older and after having Andre, but I never got round to it…"
"Slow down, are you saying you've been feeling so sick that…" Rick can't even verbalise it, he wants to call her irrational, but that's more for him. He cannot accept this possibility. It's not even a possibility at all.
"Not incredibly sick but the signs are there, fatigue being the main one. The fact that I know my body so well, but all of a sudden it feels so alien at times."
"How long have you felt this way?"
"For a while now? Not since we came back but maybe soon after. It just grew and grew." It's been close to a year since they've gotten their new chance at being a family. Eight months has never felt so short. So much has happened.
"You've kept this for so long? Well, I did notice a few thangs too…"
"Like?" Michonne eagerly cut. She almost took offense at what her husband said, then quickly dialling back – she had been feeling a certain type of insecurity over herself lately, something she didn't really have the time to go through these past few years. She never even thought she could be this sensitive.
Wide-eyed, his lips slightly agape started to try and form a sentence.
"Ummm, your breasts are… softer."
Michonne squints.
"No, I don't mean anything by that. I like it, not that me liking it has to count for anythang."
His wife purses her lips. 'Is there more?"
"There was also that time you just wanted to keep making love. And that was great! I could keep up with… Maybe that's just it! So much has been happening, maybe now is the only time your body has felt the need to… I don't know settle down?"
If there's one thing Michonne isn't a fan of, it's backtracking. As embarrassing as it is, she can't justify her slight outburst just now and Rick could be right.
"But why now? Ugh."
"Babe, I mean this with the most love and happiness I can. We're getting old. Look at me greying. You don't even look a day older from when I first met you."
"You smooth-talking man," She chuckles as she caresses his light stubble with the greys – the greys that will go white in time. As they get older together. She's not going anywhere.
He kisses her.
"Fine, it's just age and there's just more involved with us women."
"I gathered that could be the case, I don't know how that goes with ladies. Are there any more things to know about that?"
Michonne giggles at the sudden curiosity.
"You want to know about that? For what?"
"For one, I want to know you inside out."
"You already do, especially on the inside" She inches closer as she teases him, her hand moving from his face to the back of his head to play with his curls.
Rick has seen it all, but nothing can make him go red like Michonne can.
"And I want to, you know, prepare Judith for all this woman… stuff."
Michonne's eyebrow cocks up, she didn't know whether she'd find this adorable or silly.
"I see you but I don't think Judith has to worry about menopause anytime soon."
"You really think it's that? Doesn't that happen way later?"
"It varies, for one I haven't been getting my usual kind of courses. Some light spotting here and there. Which could be a symptom of cervical canc-"
"Shhhh no, it's menopause. We'll take that."
"We? Are you experiencing this with me?"
"You know what I mean…"
"I do, baby. And remind me that we are the ones who'll talk to Judith about this."
"Don't they learn this in school?"
"What happened to preparing Judith for this?"
"I meant that more of as a support type thang."
"You know what maybe you and RJ could join in on lesson time?"
"Why do my boy and I have to be involved?"
Michonne's eyes crease at his words. Their growing closeness has been a marker that things are just getting better. That their lives are just starting.
"You and your boy can do a whole lot by just understanding our girl."
He concurs. He wasn't going to argue. Rick only wanted to jape. The smile on his wife's face was enough to tell him she was on her way back.
He envelops her in his arms as they fall to their side, preparing to fall asleep. Another night in each other's arms. It has never felt this good.
"And if you want, we can go over to the clinic to have you checked by Tomi. First thing in the morning."
"Let's drop off the kids at school first. I don't want them worrying for nothing."
He nuzzles into the crook of her neck, the place he is most at home.
"It's not nothang but it isn't anythang, right?"
"Right."
With that, she gives him one last kiss for the night.