Author's Note: Another!

Jake woke disoriented and in agony. His body and head felt like it was being trampled by a herd of angry angtsik. He looks around, vision doubling before blacking out again.

He awakens to water splashing against his body, making him sputter weakly as it fills his mouth and sinuses. He coughs, struggles to move, then blacks out again.

Strong hands grab under his arms and pull him from the water. It takes herculean strength to open his eyes, but he manages, when he hears the faint sound of Neytiri's voice. Like a beacon in the darkness calling him back into the light. Despite his throbbing head and twisting vision, she looks alright - well, unharmed. She grabs his face, saying something, eyes bright, desperate. He wants to talk to her, assuage the terror building in her eyes, hold her in his arms and promise that everything was going to be okay, but he couldn't. There was no strength in his body, and he knew even if there was, it would have been a lie, and he promised not to do that anymore. His eyes slip closed, and he blacks out again.

"..ke. Ma'Ja..."

Jake groans, hearing her, but not able to form words. His tongue felt like lead in his mouth.

"Neteyam...is...Ma'Ja..."

He opens his eyes to see her staring at him, face twisted, fear pulling lines around her mouth and eyes. Her hand comes up and gently caresses his face and a part of him struggles not to cry. He feels paper thin. Something is wrong, something is so wrong, he knows that it is, but he just... can't seem to wrap his mind around it. He knows, he feels the tension and anxiety burrowing into his chest, hallowing it out, but he can't find the words, can't see the why behind his eyes.

All he can see is her. His beautiful Neytiri.

He swallows around razorblades in his throat.

He can't... the words... Neteyam... where is he? Neytiri would only ask if she didn't know. Where is he? Where was the last time...? Oh, it was his smiling face. He pulled his favorite fruit up to his lips, nibbling away. It was sweet, very sweet, so Jake and Neytiri tried not to give their children too much, but at this point, they were just happy he was eating anything at all.

One of the humans gave Neteyam a cold. Within hours of exposure, Neteyam was burning with a fever, vomiting his guts out. Jake just about throttled the man. For almost six hours, Neteyam just vomited any time anything so much as hit his stomach, even water. So that wasn't fun. Although isolation and patience was enough to finally break the fever within a few hours, and then the vomiting was done and now he was eating again. Which was good. Just in time for his third birthday next week-

No. That's not right.

He... he remembers... the poison. Neteyam sick as can be. Dying. He's dying. The flower? Yes... yes, they found the flower, he was getting better. Then... then...attacked. Yes, they were attacked And it was with guns, it has to be Sky People. Sky People got the jump on them.

And now Neteyam is gone. Where is he?

"Where..?" He rasps. He looks blearily between Neytiri and one of the male hunters that was helping hold him up. "Nete..."

Neytiri's face morphs more into one of horror, her eyes flickering around. She straightens up, cupping her hands around her mouth. "Neteyam! Where are you? Sweet boy, please! Neteyam!"

Jake's eyes roll up into his head. Neytiri turns to him, eyes wide, lips moving but no sound comes out as his consciousness drops out.

Day(s) without Neteyam: 1

"You should be okay, just... take it easy," Norm says carefully, leaning back onto his hunches, looking across Jake's body to Mo'at. She is peeling and placing new leaves over his wounds. His entire body aches still, but the thing that bothers him the most is his throbbing head. But he can ignore that in favor of what matters most. His body will heal, he needs to focus on his son.

"Have we found him?" Jake rasps, pushing away the light that Norm is trying to shine in his eyes. "Where is Neteyam?"

"Neytiri has taken a group of hunters to keep looking. We, uh, haven't found any sign yet," Norm says slowly. He fiddles with the light in his hands. "I'm sorry, buddy. But we're going to keep looking."

"Where is he?" Jake wheezes, wrapping an arm around his bruised limbs. "I need to go... I need to find him..."

"We will," Norm says, placing a hand on his shoulder to keep him in place. Jake glances at the hand as if it offended him. But Norm is immune to that look. He just offers a squeeze of the shoulder, as if trying to press strength into his weak body. Jake appreciates it but doesn't want comfort. He wants to get out of there and look for his son. His mind has been racing nonstop trying to figure out what happened.

He dropped him. Well, kind of. He pushed him - probably harder than he wants to think about - to get him out of the way of that panicked hexepede. They were in danger, people were shooting at them, Jake was so weak he could barely even hold his own child in his arms, and in his effort to help his kid, he left him out in the forest to die.

Because he kind of did, didn't he? They could have taken the hit. Well, Jake could. He could have tanked the hit and then Neteyam would still be with him. Sure, they might have been beaten and bruised, but at least they would still be together. He wouldn't have been able to easily pull them from the water, but he would have found the strength within himself, he knows it.

Assuming that he wouldn't lose Neteyam in the thrashing waters or led to both of them drowning.

God. Eywa. Someone. Please. Tell him what to do. Tell him how to find his son.

Is he walking around disoriented still? It's been over twelve hours since they managed to get him the cure - give or take - so maybe he's still disoriented. Maybe he is stumbling around the forest in a daze. Or, considering he hasn't slept properly in days, maybe he's unconscious in a bush somewhere.

Please, let him be sleeping away in a bush somewhere. Please let them find him quickly. Before any beasts do. They need to find him quickly.

"I need to go find him," Jake mumbles, rubbing roughly at his forehead. "He needs me."

"You are in no condition to be going anywhere," Mo'at says, voice flat. "Let Neytiri and the hunters look for him. You will be no help to them as you are now."

"Thanks," Jake mutters, trying to rub the pain in his temples away.

Norm pats his arm again before crossing his legs and sitting down onto his bottom. "She's right, Jake. Rest. You aren't going to do Neteyam or Neytiri any good if you're stumbling around disoriented in the forest." He looks down at his legs, avoiding Jake's eyes, as he says, "Get some rest, Jake, I bet by the time you wake up that we're going to find him and he's going to be back home safely."

Jake couldn't bring himself to ask why his friend wouldn't even look at him. He already knew the answer. But just like Norm, he didn't want to put it into words. Especially since he prayed with all of his heart that it was wrong. He's out there, he's got to be. Despite how weak his boy's body is, he's a little fighter. Jake has never met someone stronger, capable of fighting through the pain than Neteyam.

Days without Neteyam: 5

"Daddy," Kiri calls out, pulling his eyes from where he was staring blankly into the fire. He was told to rest, but he couldn't. He keeps going back in time, trying to figure out what happened to Neteyam. He dropped his son right out of the panicked hexepede's path. Then he was thrown to the ground, trampled on, and then tossed into the water. He doesn't remember hearing Neteyam calling out as if he was hurt by another unseen hexepede, or him running off or getting shot at. He doesn't remember any of that. It all happened so fast.

"Yes, baby girl?" Jake asks, voice rough from exhaustion and calling out to Neteyam in the forest for hours on end.

Kiri walks into their hut, casting a glance over at the blankets where Neytiri is sleeping for the first time in the last two days. She nearly fell asleep flying so Jake had to carry her to their hut so that she could get a few hours of sleep. Both of them have been pushing themselves ragged trying to find Neteyam or any sign of him. But still they have no sign of him. Jake is trying not to panic blindly, but it's been days and there is literally no sign of him.

"Where's Tey?" Kiri asks, stopping next to him. "When's he coming back?"

Jake rubs at his face, exhausted. Her question alone makes him want to go back out there and keep looking. He's got to be somewhere. There was no sign of animal attacks, and their best hunters were able to distinguish that he had stood up and stumbled off, disoriented. But nothing chased him. Nothing followed him as far as they could tell, but he wandered off into the underbrush before they lost his tracks. But the shooting had scared off all the beasts in the area so there was no fresh tracks around him where they stopped.

But that was days ago. Where is he? Why is there no sign of him anywhere?

"I don't know, baby girl," he sighs. "I'm hoping soon." He rubs at the back of his neck before offering a thin smile to his daughter. "Why don't you stay here with mom? I'll go back out and keep looking."

Kiri frowns, her brows furrowing a bit as she glances over at a sleeping Neytiri, worry shining in her beautiful gold eyes. "I'll stay with mom," Kiri says quietly before reaching forward and touching his shoulder. "But daddy, you have to find Tey soon."

Jake feels a pit hallowing out in his stomach. "What... what do you mean, Kiri?"

Her wizened eyes, far older than her body, stares through him. His fingers turn cold at the look, always having known that there was something special about his miracle daughter, something gifted to her by Eywa. Despite the youth of her face, her eyes have always been old, aged way beyond her years. She grabs his shoulder in her small hand, squeezing it tightly, as she whispers, "If you don't bring him back before it's too late, he'll never come back the same."

Jake's brows furrow in fear. He reaches out to grab her arms. He reminds himself last moment to be gentle, that she was his little girl, and he didn't want to grab onto her too tightly, especially while he's worn so thin he has such little control over himself. But he's not going to hurt her. He's not.

Jake grabs hold of her arms, gently, staring into her eyes, trying to keep his voice even when he asks, "What do you mean, Kiri? Not the same?"

Kiri chews on her lower lip. Her eyes flicker around as if unseeing, before she looks over her shoulder at the sleeping Neytiri. She turns toward her mother, rubbing at her own face, before pulling from Jake and walking to Neytiri. Jake hesitates, wanting her to come back and explain what she was talking about, but realistically, he knows that not even she knows.

Rubbing hard at his face again, Jake climbs to his feet, looking over at his daughter snuggling up to his mate, unable to see the streaks of tears on Neytiri's face as she dreams, or how she holds Kiri close, afraid to lose her.

Find him. He has to find him. He has to find Neteyam. He has to. His baby needs him. He has to bring him home where he's safe. Whether she meant to or not, Kiri confirmed something that has been waxing and waning in his heart but has now began burning in him once more. Hope.

He's alive. He's out there. He's waiting for Jake to find him. And he will.

Days without Neteyam: 13

"Please! Chief, please! He doesn't know what he's saying!"

Jake's shoulders heave with rage, his tail lashing back and forth behind him as he paces in front of the elder rubbing delicately at his cheek from Jake's lightning-fast strike. The elder's young adult daughter is covering his body with her own, eyes wide.

He had just returned from hearing the report from the hunters he sent to all nearby clans checking in, once again, if any of them had heard or seen anything about Neteyam. No one. Nothing. It's like he just vanished into thin air. But that can't be true. He has to be out there, somehow. Somewhere. Jake just has to find him. But before he can go out again to search, as he has done every day since he lost him, Jake heard the commotion and his son crying and had gone to investigate.

"Please," she stammers, eyes shimmering. "Please forgive him for what he has said! He doesn't mean it!"

"Who told you that you could tell my son that his brother was dead!" Jake snarls, clenching his fists, fighting desperately to keep his rage in line. Neytiri holds a crying Lo'ak to her chest, her own eyes blazing with anger. Normally she would try to get him to calm down, but even she couldn't find compassion in her heart for what he's said. About her own baby. The gathered clan glare down at the older male on the ground.

"I apologize, Olo'eyktan," the elder whispers so low that Jake more read his lips than heard him.

"Neteyam isn't dead," Jake spits, ears pressing back. "How dare you say that? Did Eywa give you a vision? Come to you and speak of the death of my son? Come now, tell me how you have come to know this as fact? So much so that you would dare breath a word of it to my son?"

The male's shoulders heave with a sigh that only fuels Jake's anger, but he somehow holds himself together as the young female helps her father to his feet. The male's face twists with complex emotions before turning his eyes to Jake and tipping his head, in a mockery of respect.

"Chief, it has been many days. I'm sorry. I received no vision or sign from Eywa, but it has been enough days out there for even a trained hunter to succumb to the dangers of the forest, what hope can that of a sickly boy even dare to have?"

"Father!" The female snaps, eyes flaring in worry. "Stop, please!"

"He's alive," Jake growls, tail lashing. The Omatikaya shift uncomfortably. "Don't you dare breathe a word otherwise again. You hear me?"

The male stiffens his upper lip, letting out a sigh as if dealing with a petulant child, which makes Jake's blood boil more. "Very well, Olo'eyktan," the male says, despite that, which only seems to make Jake even more mad. "I will reframe from speaking the truth any longer on the matter."

Before Jake's vision can go completely red from rage, Mo'at steps between them. "Go," she snaps, tired face twisted in anger. She points away. "Leave us, you have said enough."

The male studies the Tsahik with a critical eye, warring with something on his face, before finally saying, "I am sorry about your grandson, Mo'at. But even your late mate was able to accept the death of your daughter."

Neytiri hisses, clutching Lo'ak closer to her chest. Mo'at, by the grace of the Great Mother, was somehow able to keep a straight face, all the while Jake's fighting the urge to tear the other male apart. The clan shifts, murmuring and hissing amongst themselves, warring with their own feelings on the matter, although just as shocked by the elder's words as Jake was.

"My mate was able to hold his dead daughter in his arms," Mo'at says, her voice as cold as ice. "She rests with our ancestors by the Great Mother's side. We placed her there ourselves. Neteyam does not. The Great Mother has not welcomed him to her side yet."

"Is that because he is alive, or simply because was not able to be properly put to rest?" Another elder asks, chilling Jake to the core. "The boy has been sick all of his life. Why would the Great Mother make a child so sick all the time if not to punish him?"

"What?" Neytiri snarls. "Are you saying my son doesn't deserve to be alive? That the Great Mother punishes him for even existing?"

"Perhaps Neteyam was never meant to be as he was," one of the elders says softly, face wrinkling sadly. "Perhaps he was always meant to be Neytiri's and Tsu'tey's. But because Tsu'tey is dead - "

"Enough!" Mo'at snaps, patience running out. "Disband! Go about your business." She waves her hands to the clan and most immediately obey, ducking away to avoid the wrath of the Tsahik. Jake turns, stomping away towards his ikran, going to keep looking for Neteyam, not even hearing as Neytiri calls out for him.

Days without Neteyam: 17

Neytiri sobs, hoarsely. Jake holds her in his arms, his body feeling hallow and empty. They listen to the running water beside them. Back to the spot where they last saw him. All traces of their son is gone.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Lo'ak calls, splashing by the rocks. "Look! Look!"

Neither move. Both unable to even hear their son from the torrent of pain washing over them. But even that pain feels false, far away to Jake. Like someone else was feeling it for him. He was unable to feel anything at all.

Days without... Neteyam: 23

"If you had just taken him to the ikran, he would be here!" Neytiri screams.

"You wanted to get something! You went without him! Had we just left once we knew he was okay, then we would have been long gone before the Sky People showed up!" Jake yells back.

"It is you that they tried to hurt!" Neytiri snarls. "They struck out against our son because of you! They wanted to hurt you! Toruk Makto! Omatikaya Olo'eyktan! Jake Sully!"

Jake throws the blanket that he's tried and failed to fold a dozen times during their argument. The same argument that they have had since they lost him. Since they lost their boy.

"Our son would be here if they weren't trying to punish you for being a Sky Person!" Neytiri yells, tears streaming down her face.

Jake is fairing no better, blinking hard to try to see passed the blurring vision. "I can't change what I was, Neytiri! What do you want from me? I didn't ask for this! I didn't ask for any of this! I didn't ask to be Toruk Makto! I didn't ask for Tsu'tey to die and pass on the control of the Omatikaya to me! I didn't ask for any of this! You think I wanted to have children just so that they could suffer? Kiri and Lo'ak, and... and him! You think I wanted this?"

"I just want him back!" She sobs. "We are no closer to figuring out who poisoned our child! And we still can't find him! And, and!" She covers her face with her hands, shoulders shaking. "I want him back. I want him. I want Kiri and Lo'ak to have their big brother. I want us to be a family again. I just... I want him back, Ma'Jake. Please! Please!"

"I know, Neytiri," Jake chokes out, placing a hand over his eyes, shoulders heaving. He would normally go to her, hold her in his arms, but he couldn't. His feet are rooted in place. He can't even look at her. Or himself. "I want him back too."

Days without... Nete...: 29

"Jake..." Norm says quietly, placing a hand on Jake's shoulder in the darkness of the hut. "Neytiri told me that you haven't left the hut in a few days. She's worried. You aren't eating or talking... she says all you seem to be doing is sleeping. Jake, buddy, talk to me. We're all worried about you."

A comforting run of the hand down his arm that he barely feels. "Spider, Lo'ak and Kiri are out with Mo'at and Neytiri. They are playing over by the waterfall. You know the one? They would love for you to join them."

"You know... I think there is something more going on with you, buddy," Norm says softly. "It's more than just being upset by what happened. I think you're depressed, Jake. With good reason, of course. But Jake, you have two other kids. You have Spider too. Three kids still looking to you to look after them. Don't forget about them too."

"Na'vi aren't like us, Jake. Neytiri isn't moving on, she carries the loss of Neteyam just like you do, but they compartmentalize better than we do. A lot of their mental health comes from their connection to Eywa, it helps steady them, keep the chemicals in their brains balanced. You might be forever in an avatar body now, but your mind is still human. You need to come to terms with what happened. You need help."

A sigh filled with sadness. "I know this is hard, Jake, but you need to get up now because it's only going to get harder the longer you wait."

"We aren't giving up, Jake. We will keep looking for him, no matter what. I don't care what anyone says. Here in the Omatikaya, or at Hell's Gate. He's out there, I know it. We'll find him. We'll find Nete-"

"Stop, Norm," Jake rasps, eyes tightly closed. "Please leave."

A pause, one that stretches for too long. "Not saying his name doesn't make the pain of losing him any less. Don't wipe him away. He's still out there. Nete - "

"Norm!"

A moment of silence, then, "Okay. Listen, I'm here, buddy. I'll help however I can. Whenever you're ready. We're here. Max and I. Just say the word."

Jake doesn't respond. He just keeps still, waiting for his friend to leave so that he can be alone.

Days without... Nete...: 38

"Going out again, chief..?" one of the hunters asks quietly. His party slows to a stop as Jake makes his way to the ikran, calling for Bob.

"Yeah," Jake says, voice rough. "I'm going to look around."

"Would you like some company?" a female hunter asks. "We were out with Neytiri earlier. We know where all she looked. And we can cover more ground this way?" Her companions are nodding in agreement. But he knows that they are just relieved to see that he's up and about again. He's been trying to pull himself together again, still going out scouting for his son. For Nete -

Jake shakes his head. "No, I'll be fine. You have all been out flying all day, you have to be tired. I can look on my own." Bob flaps his wings as he descends in front of Jake, squawking at him, tilting his head.

"Just running patrol, chief," another hunter says. "We'd be happy to join you."

Jake sighs, not having the strength to argue. He just nods. "Okay, let's go." The hunters nod, calling for their ikran to return.

Days without... him...: 42

Jake held out as long as he could, but they had to leave Hell's Gate. They had to take the humans with them. It's not safe. The RDA was closing in on them once more. They couldn't stay. Jake tried so hard to rationalize staying, knowing that if their son found himself somewhere familiar, he would be able to find his way back, but it's not safe there anymore. Not for Kiri or Lo'ak. Not for Mo'at or Neytiri. Not for Norm, Max or his other human friends. Not for the Omatikaya. So, they have to leave.

Jake ordered the clan with a clear and concise voice, keeping his chin level, his eyes alert and his posture strong. The clan, the humans, they all seemed relieved. Relieved that their clan chief was back. They obeyed, and quickly, with little to no fight.

And Jake walked away to head to his family hut to help pack it up a bit. When he made it there, he was alone, and for a moment, he allowed the wall erected around his heart to crumble, and he cried. Knuckles pressed tightly into his eyes weren't enough to stop the tears. His shoulders shook as the sobs ripped from him, but Neytiri didn't mind. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight from behind.

They had no words for one another, not having spoken in days, but he turned to her, pulling her tightly to his chest and let his tears soak her braids. She didn't mind. She held tight to him, rubbing comforting circles into his back. She kisses his shoulder, his neck, his cheek, holding him to her.

"I miss him," Jake rasps. "I want him to come home. How is he supposed to find us now?"

"He will," Neytiri says firmly, nuzzling him lovingly. "He will find us if we don't find him first."

Days without... him...: 67

Everything is going as planned. The clan is almost completely packed up and ready to move. Same with the humans. Only a few days more and they will all be ready to move to their new home. Jake has spent the last few days, scouting around, trying to find the perfect place to hole up. Somewhere safe and secure. Somewhere that they can hide from the RDA and strike out from the shadows without bringing the danger back home with them.

He's settled on the Hallelujah Mountains. They found an intense network of caves in one of the larger mountains that would be perfect, and the RDA's equipment won't be able to help them track the Omatikaya and their allies through the electromagnetic field that the mountains provide. And Eywa is still looking out for them. He just knows it. Even if she has been ignoring him all these weeks, she still shows herself in some ways. She's still trying to protect her children.

Just not all of them, it seems.

For the first time since he went missing, Jake didn't get up first thing in the morning to seek out his son, now it's almost dusk before he left to search. But no matter what, he always goes out looking. And he always returns with nothing.

Days without... him...: 71

It took longer than he would have liked, but they set up in the caves, their new home. Lo'ak and Kiri take Spider with them as they explore. Jake goes with them, not wanting to risk them finding the one exposed opening he hadn't plugged up and fall to their deaths. So, he follows them for hours, holding onto Kiri's hand, listening to Lo'ak and Spider joke and push one another as they run about.

And for the first time in 71 days, he laughs.

After the three kids are piled up in the blankets in their family hut, Jake takes Neytiri into his arms and hugs her close, rocking back and forth in front of the fire. They haven't spoken much aside from exchanging information. About the Sky People. About the kids. About the clan. About matters of the home. But little else in weeks.

Even now they don't say anything, just sink comfortably into the arms of one another. They rock back and forth for a while, just relishing in each other's company before Jake finally parts from her with a kiss to her cheek, which she nuzzles in return, before he heads out to call for Bob so that he can search for their son.

Days without...him...: 84

War is on. For the first time since losing their son, Jake and Neytiri aren't able to go in search of him. They are too busy planning their first assault. The RDA took him away from them. It's about the time they take the fight to the Sky People.

Days without...him...: 89

Avatars. So many of them. Like the RDA could drowned the resistance with the sheer number of them. Jake doesn't stick around them long enough to give them more than a bullet between the eyes, his rage burning in his gut. He doesn't recognize any of the names stitched to their gear or their Na'vi altered features, which is all for the best. Then he can just shut his mind off and do what he has to do. To protect his clan. His home. His friends. His family.

Days without... him...: 97

Lo'ak's birthday is a day for celebration. Jake and Neytiri decorate their hut, while Kiri and Spider take him out to play. Once they return, they have cake - that Jake had Norm and Max help him with, after pleading with Neyiti that it's only once a year and the kid deserved it - and open presents. Neytiri leans into Jake's side, running her hand up and down his side and Lo'ak squeals over his gifts while Kiri and Spider hype him up, as if they were the ones that were getting the gifts.

Spider has been spending a lot of time with them. Jake has always adored the kid, it was always Neytiri that wanted distance, but she hasn't said a single word in regard to that since before they lost him. Jake isn't going to ask her. If she's not angry anymore, then he's not going to bring attention to it.

"I love it!" Lo'ak exclaims, jumping into Jake's arms. He hugs the little boy close, Neytiri leaning in to kiss his braids as he laughs, showing them the gifts that he got, chatting happily.

That night, the birthday boy slept peacefully between his mom and dad, their arms around him, keeping him safe and protected.

Days without...: 115

"Lo'ak might be a bit headstrong, but he is physically fit and will make an excellent Olo'eyktan one day, Jake," one of the elders says.

"Give him time, patience and a steady hand and the future of the Omatikaya will be in excellent hands," another agrees.

Jake scowls at them. "What are you talking about? He hasn't renounced his position. He is still my heir."

The room is silent, everyone staring at him. Then they look to one another, communicating with their eyes and it only serves to annoy Jake to no end. His lip curls, about to snap when another of the elders' nods in agreement.

"You are right, chief, of course. That was our bad. Please forgive us."

"It's fine," Jake snaps, glaring at the ground by his feet. "Let's get back to business."

Days without...: 116

Jake and Neytiri spent the whole day looking for him, from dawn to dusk, having left the kids with Mo'at. They didn't find anything.

Days without...: 130

It was Neytiri's idea to celebrate Spider's birthday and Jake wasn't going to look a gift horse - or pa'li - in the mouth. She set everything up, made it all perfect as Jake and the kids got all the gifts ready. Jake got Norm and Max to help keep Spider busy until they were ready for him. He cried when they brought him back to the hut later that night, especially when Neytiri held him in her arms, telling him about the gift she made for him - a beautiful armband with feathers so very similar to the ones that all their children had. A modesty piece for Kiri, an anklet for Lo'ak and... well, his was weaved into his hair.

Spider loved it, promising never to take it off.

Neytiri smiled at him, pressing a soft kiss into his hair before pulling away, as if that was enough affection for her for one day. But Jake didn't mind picking up where she left off. Spider didn't want to go back to the scientists that night, so he stayed with Jake and his family, nestled safely between Lo'ak and Kiri.

Jake laid on his back with Neytiri resting against his chest, her leg hiked up over his hips so that he could rub up and down the length of her thigh as she drifted, her own hand running up and down his chest.

"Goodnight, babe," Jake whispers, kissing her braids.

"Goodnight, Ma'Jake," she whispers back, burrowing closer.

Days without...: 147

He's not sure why it was, but today was a bad day for them. Neytiri woke up crying that morning from a nightmare, begging Jake to save him - but not who 'him' is, before going to join her mother to keep her mind off of the dark cloud hanging over her. Jake spent the entire morning searching the forest, trying desperately to make today the day that they found him, that he would be back. And when once again, he was left completely empty handed, he couldn't stop himself from just crying. In sadness. In frustration. For the tightness in his chest. The helplessness in his heart. For the name at the edge of his lips that he can't say because it hurts too much.

Once he's unable to cry anymore, he just climbs back onto Bob's back and heads back home to his family.

Days...: 152

Jake does something he hasn't done in too long. He drops the kids off with Mo'at, and takes Neytiri by the hand. She tilts her head, perplexed, but follows without question as he leads her to their ikran. Together they fly through the air, away from the battle lines, playing in the sky for the first time in so long. And it's a balm to his heart to see her smiling, laughing deep in her throat as the cold air pulls harshly at her braids.

She's breath-takingly beautiful, and when he tells her, her golden eyes shine with love.

They land on one of the mountains far enough away to keep from the patrols, but still within the safety of the electromagnetic field, and eat a dinner that he prepared for her, and for the first time in weeks, they just sat around and talked. Laughing and joking. And then they made love. Made tsahaylu for the first time in a very long time, letting each other in. Neytiri let Jake into her body, opening her legs for him, sighing contently as he sank into her, holding him tightly to her chest as he let her into his mind. He shared his pain, his fear, his sorrow, his love. She accepted all of it.

She comforted and soothed his broken mind as he worshipped her body and eased the ache in her own mind. But her connection to the Great Mother, the way her mind worked, she was able to take the pain, able to handle the agony at the loss of...

He was struggling so much more with it. And he had been speaking to the therapist at Max and Norm's request, and he does believe that it's helping him, but there are some things that he just needs Neytiri for. She is his island in the harsh ocean. His breath of air. His tether to normality. The love of his life. The only other person who knows exactly how he feels. The only one that can truly understand and accept the depth of the pain that he's in.

And she does. She takes it all, and once he's able to breathe, she gives him her own. Her fear of losing any more of them. Her pain at losing

-and that it might happen to any of the rest of their babies. That there is a shadow of terror growing in both of them - that they won't be able to find him. That he really is gone forever. That they won't be able to see him ever again. That he is lost forever. To them, to the Great Mother. Gone.

Jake takes it all from her as he holds her close, pressing their foreheads together, and whispering words of love and comfort to her. Words she echoes back to him. And for a moment, a single second, they begin their path to healing.

Days...: 164

Jake hasn't gone to the sacred tree in a long time. He usually goes before hunts and missions, as is tradition in case he doesn't come back, that his family will be able to see his most recent thoughts and feelings, but he's been slacking a lot recently, and it's been angering Neytiri and Mo'at. They keep insisting that he has to. That they all need him too. But he's been so scared. He knows that his mind will seek out

- but he doesn't want to face his child knowing that he failed. That he's a sham. That he was never worthy enough to call that sweet boy his son.

Neytiri and Mo'at have seen him. Sometimes they say he looks like he's a little older. That he looks like he's happy. But there is something strange. Something distorted about him. Like they are seeing him through a haze. He's not coming in clear, and it's only in fragments. There is nothing concrete. Nothing solid. It's just him. Smiling with his cute little dual sets of fangs, eyelashes that don't have any business being that thick fluttering as a sweet laugh escapes him. But it's jarred, disjointed.

To Mo'at and Neytiri, when they see it, they say it's beautiful. That he's beautiful.

But when Jake finally brings himself to look, after months of them encouraging him to do so, he is horrified by it. It looks like a dream, like a taunt. A mere mockery of actual joy from a boy that is lost to them forever. And it makes him sick. Sick that it had to come to this because of him. That he hadn't been good enough. Hadn't been strong enough. Hadn't been enough.

Jake didn't deserve to see that beautiful boy with joy on his face. Jake didn't deserve anything.

Neytiri had offered to come with him when he was ready to see it, but Jake's glad he didn't invite her. Not able to bear the look of horror on her face as he pukes out his guts in hatred of himself and of all the people that he failed, in all of the many, complex ways that he failed them.

Day: 182

Jake got up early, untangling himself from Neytiri, kissing her cheek before getting ready for the day. He looks over at his sleeping kids, Kiri is curled up on her side, back facing her brothers, while Spider and Lo'ak are a tangle of limbs, snoring loudly. Jake smiles to himself before heading out to meet with Tarsem, his second in command. The young male is already awaiting him when he exits his hut.

"Do you ever sleep, Tarsem?" Jake asks with a touch of mirth to his friend.

"Every once and a while," Tarsem jokes, offering a thin smile.

Jake claps him on the back as they make their way to their ikran. Jake stops to check in to see if anyone had anything to report from the night before, but thankfully everything was quiet after their last assault against the RDA supply line. It will be a little while until they hear from them again - thankfully. So, Jake's going to use this time to replenish supplies for the Omatikaya and do a bit of scouting for their next attack. It's not much, it's not exciting, but it is a new norm. It's a routine that he can get used to, even if the war is already weighing on him. But for his friends, for his clan, for his family, he will do whatever it is that he must.

He has to find a way to make it through each and every day however he can.

It wasn't luxurious, or the life that he would have wanted, but it was what he accepted. He let his family down before - more times than he cares to admit - but he's going to work to be better. To get this war over with so that his children can be safe again. That his mate can be safe again. That his clan and his friends could be safe again. He'll do whatever he has to. For the child that he's lost, and those that are still with him.