"I'm surprised to see you here Eddward, is everything okay?" Mrs. Davis asked as he took his normal seat across from her.
"I'm not entirely sure, but I think I… I think I had a breakthrough just now." Eddward said playing with his hands, needing to keep his fingers busy.
He felt elated from the kiss and he fidgeted uncomfortably as all his emotions soared in overdrive. He was anxious and excited, yet also scared and nervous. He still had yet to snap his rubber band, the urge had dissipated and he wasn't sure if he longed for the feeling of it or if he was pleased with its absence.
Mrs. Davis looked on at him with a warm smile. "What happened?"
Eddward cringed, he'd need to relay what happened in the cafeteria moments ago. He'd most likely get in trouble for threatening another student and putting his hands on him, but he didn't start that altercation. He actually diffused the situation. He thought so at least.
He told her about the panic he had standing in the cafeteria. Then the surge of relief when Ed had gotten up to lead him to a seat. The pure joy that being with his friends had brought him and how happy he was in that moment before Tom came in and shattered everything, or tried too. Tom was never his fear. Jensen had always been his fear. And now that he was gone, what was there to fear?
She nodded her head as he spoke to her. Offering silent judgment and criticism as he relayed his story, but she let him speak freely and only voiced her thoughts at the end.
"And what made this particular encounter a breakthrough?" She urged.
Eddward felt a bout of shyness sweep over him for a moment. He was figuring himself out and opening himself up raw. He was ready for change and it was scary but yet, revitalizing.
"I felt the panic set in when I was looking for Eddy. He wasn't there and I lost focus. I felt it again when everything had finished and the crowd was cheering for me, but it was too much. I lost myself in the moment with Tom. I had complete control because I let my old self come through just enough to steer me through the altercation. Normally after something like that, the urge to cut is overwhelming and I'd already be premeditating and calculating when, where, and how it would happen. I'd be mapping it out so I could consume the fear before it took hold of me." Eddward took a deep calming breath before he looked up to meet her stare, "but I don't feel like cutting myself right now."
Not to say the urge wouldn't rise up later, but these were baby steps he was taking afterall.
"Eddward, if I may ask. What caused you to cut yourself the first time?" She asked.
This was a very dangerous game they were playing. He wasn't sure if she was ready to become a pawn. But she held her ground, her focus on him unwavering.
"My accident with Jensen." His clipped answer came out rushed.
"I know roughly what happened and if you don't wish to share any more details with me then I will respect that."
Eddward nodded his head slowly in consideration. This was about getting better. He already felt his old self bubbling away under the seams of his skin. Was it really okay to play with that facade? It would only be for a little while. If he exposed him, the other persona, would he retaliate? Would he let himself be locked back up again?
Eddward shrugged to himself. Time to find out.
"After I was attacked my outlook on life drastically changed. I remember laying there, in a warm puddle of my own blood. I couldn't really move, my wrist was shattered, and it hurt to breathe. There was a deep cut in my lower stomach. I remember looking up into the sky as fireworks went off and I felt like they were mocking me; celebrating the demise of poor, pathetic Double Dee. I was starting to accept my fate when all of a sudden I was completely disgusted with myself. There I was just laying there and giving up when I still had some fight left in me. I promised myself that if I ever got out of that situation, then I would take control of my body. I'd never let someone else ever hurt me like that again. I would be the only one to ever inflict that kind of pain on myself ever again." Eddward cleared his throat and fell silent for a moment.
"The recovery was slow, I remember laying in a hospital bed and Marie was there. She had found me and rescued me and she's the only one I allowed to see how broken I really was. She accepted me and I manipulated her to my whim. Part of my control was controlling other people. I used her friendship to my advantage… I did it to all my friends… they all felt sorry for me and I didn't want their sympathy. I didn't want obligatory friendship formed out of pity. If they were willing to do that to me then I was going to use them as well. It was stupid. I was stupid."
"And when did the cutting start?" Mrs. Davis asked.
"Not soon enough honestly," he answered and then winced.
He was getting into really dangerous territory here. The woman deserved a raise, she was too good at her job…
"It was a few months after the incident, school had started… maybe the second week. I had recovered somewhat, but my pride was gone. I wasn't a very intimidating kid so I was always the easy target and I hated myself for that. Everyone kept whispering when I walked by about how I had snitched to the cops to get Jensen in trouble. They didn't see what he'd done to me. They didn't know I had almost died. Yeah, there was a news story and it was in the papers, but to see the victim walking the halls of school, it was like it was all a lie. It was during summer break, no one saw the recovery, they just saw the weakling who ratted and got away with it.
"I couldn't take their stares and not so silent judgements. I felt lost and I had no one who understood. I- I had friends, but I also didn't. I think I was ashamed to let anyone in to see the real me. I didn't deserve anything. I was at such a low and I basically forgot the promise I made to myself to get my control back. I was shaving one night and I knicked my face. Not hard, but it was one of those tiny cuts; the ones that bleed profusely." Dee was emerging, the blood was his calling and his entrance into the world.
He could feel the smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he reveled in that first moment.
"I remember watching the flood dripping down my face and thinking how that pain didn't hurt in a normal way. It felt right because I had done it to myself. I remember looking into that mirror and the person who looked back at me was not Double Dee, it was someone darker and much more dangerous. I looked down at my wrist that had once been badly broken. It was better now. Sometimes all I needed was a brace to help me through the days, but it was better. I don't think I had an actual conscious thought as I took the razor and sideswiped my wrist with neat precision. The blood started weeping to the surface and I remember pressing my finger to the cut. A swift motion to urge more blood out. It stung, but I controlled how much pressure. I controlled how much blood came out. I was in control of who I was and how my body reacted. And I also hadn't eaten that day.
"Part of me felt sick at the sight of blood, that was Double Dee. So I bottled him up and shoved him back inside my head. So far back, and I threw a wall up to keep him hidden. I used to tell myself I was ashamed of him, but I think I was trying to protect him. He was my last shard of humanity. My innocence that I didn't want to corrupt. He wasn't weak, he was just human." Eddward let his head fall forward at the silent confession.
Dee didn't stir, he knew. He'd always known Dee was a barrier; a shield to protect Double Dee at all costs. He was finally ready to admit that to himself.
"I grabbed at my body and I smeared blood all over myself. All the emotions were happening at once. I fell back and hit my head against the wall. Part of me was scared that I could willingly hurt myself and justify it as welf-control. Those were the last remnants of Double Dee before he was locked away. I woke up in the hospital a few hours later. Ed had found me. I remember hearing his voice when I was laying there. I still pretend I don't know, but I do. I felt like protecting Ed was one last favor Double Dee fought for and I granted him that mercy."
"And why do you think the urge to cut is gone?" Mrs. Davis asked.
"I wouldn't say it's entirely gone. The euphoria is still there when I look at my scars. I still reminisce before I remind myself that I'm trying to recover. But cutting was supposed to be my control and my way of ending myself when I saw fit. Suicide was the ultimate form of self-control, and I failed. Self-control and self-destruction became interchangeable." He looked back to her with tears streaming down his face.
"I didn't kill myself. I didn't want to kill myself. Even now I don't want to die, but I can't shake these feelings. I can't stop them from roaming the halls of mind and creeping in through the cracks. I'm tired of hiding, but it's become so much a part of my personality that I don't know how to stop it. I've locked away the real part of me and I'm afraid he can never come back as he once was. I'm not even sure I really want him too."
Mrs. Davis smiled sadly and nodded.
"You've made so much progress today, Eddward and that's something I want you to be proud of. You may not see it in your day to day life, but you are not the same man who came in here a few months ago and rambled off yes or no answers. You're getting better. Every day you make the decision to commit to bettering yourself is a step in the right direction. Even on your bad days and the days you want to quit, it's still another step away from the darkness. You should be proud of yourself."
Eddward felt like he'd had enough self exploration for the time being.
"Can I stay here the rest of the day?" He asked, he was feeling an extreme low from the lack of adrenaline and too many emotions were swarming in the air.
"Of course, I'll have your work sent up here."
Eddward spent the remainder of the day in the guidance office. He absently doodled in his notebook and flipped aimlessly through the pages of his textbook. Today was a breakthrough in more ways than one and he wasn't sure that he was ready to leave it at that.
As the last bell of the day rang, Eddward found himself at Eddy's truck waiting for his friend. A few kids passed him by and waved to him or congratulated him for standing up to Tom. Eddward shrugged away and feigned indifference at their comments. Tom wasn't his concern anymore. He didn't even register as a blip on his radar. As Eddy approached Eddward smiled.
"What're you so happy about?" Eddy asked as he unlocked the truck and they both got inside.
"I had a really good day today." Eddward answered.
Eddy beamed at him, "its about fucking time, Sockhead."
As Eddy exited the school parking lot, Eddward let his question roll around in his head. He'd done a lot of soul searching today and had learned a lot about himself, some things he wasn't sure he was ready to admit to himself and yet he'd told Mrs. Davis all of his darkest truths. If he could do that then he could face the rest of his demons.
"Eddy," Eddward started as Eddy turned down the street towards their homes. "Can you come over later?" Eddward asked, almost losing his nerve.
Eddy shot him a glance as he parked outside of Eddward's house. "What's up?"
"I-" Eddward was losing his nerve, he needed to do this, it was time. "I want to know about that night. I'm ready to hear about it." Eddward said as he looked up.
Eddy's face was a little paler, he knew that night still haunted him as well. "Yeah, of course. I'll be back in a little bit."
Eddy came back about thirty minutes later and they sat on Eddward's couch as Eddy started at the very beginning. Eddy's side of the story started from the minute Eddward had gotten out of his truck. He didn't leave out any details. Eddward sat in silence processing all the information. Eerie silence settled in his living room as the ghosts of his past sins lingered in the shadows.
Eddy stared off into the distance when he was done speaking. Reliving that night again in grave detail must've been too much because his skin was pale and clammy.
"I have a really weird question to ask you." Eddy said, his voice bordering on dread.
"What is it, Eddy?" Eddward asked.
"C-can we go upstairs into the bathroom? I have this image of you with the blood and I- I just need to see that it's gone. I know it's gone… it sounds stupid- I just…" His words trailed off.
Eddward felt nausea settle in his stomach. He remembered going into the bathroom that night, reassuring himself that his friends had each other. They'd lean on one another and he wouldn't be needed or missed. He couldn't have been further from wrong. Eddward stood up and reached out to pull Eddy to his feet. Eddy's face was white and fear etched itself into his features as they ascended the staircase. Each step they took thudded into the otherwise silent hall.
Once they reached the top of the stairs, Eddward froze outside the door. He'd had no qualms about going into this room afterwards. He wasn't bothered and yet he should have been. His lifeless body had been floating in a bloodbath for his friends to find. And he still went about his day and didn't even think to pay this room a second thought.
This room had always been his sanctuary. His home within this house where the demons were able to roam free as he sliced his body to the desired effect. There was never any judgment here unless he caught sight of Double Dee staring back at him in the mirror, but he couldn't stop it. He was trapped in the mirror, just as he was trapped behind all the walls inside his head. His mind really was warped and distorted.
He turned to Eddy as his hand hovered over the doorknob. "Are you ready?"
It was a dumb question. Were they ready to enter his bathroom? It sounded stupid, but he still asked. Maybe he was rethinking the effect this room had on him as afterall.
Eddy nodded, the paleness in his features still staining his face as he opened the door and he flicked the lightswitch on. The room was illuminated in pristine whiteness. The tiled floor glistened and the new mirror sparkled. The bathroom had been professionally cleaned by a company his parents had hired. The room looked almost foreign to what it had been previously painted to look like.
A sigh or relief escaped Eddy's lips as he peered inside. Eddward watched the display of emotions take hold of his friend's face. Hot, vile guilt coated his throat. He'd put Eddy through unimaginable pain and anguish and no amount of apologies would ever make up for it. Eddward hung his head in shame.
"I really wasn't thinking about how my actions were going to affect anyone other than myself. In that moment, I truly believed all help for me was lost and the only solution was to stop the pain the only way I knew how. I was going to leave and this world would be better suited without me in it. You didn't deserve any of this. Nazz, Kevin… I'm sorry you were the ones to find me. If the roles had been reversed, if I'd had to find any of you- I can't even fathom the fear. I'm sorry." Eddward felt the last words leave his mouth in a whisper as tears pooled at the corners of his eyes.
Eddy bumped his shoulder. "I know you are. I know you weren't thinking clearly, but-"
Eddward held his breath. If Eddy ended their friendship right here and now over this then he would accept it. He didn't deserve any mercy. He'd put everyone through enough, but damn if that wouldn't hurt. To build himself back up just to lose his best friend.
"I can't just forget what happened. I forgive you and I'm here for you no matter what. But I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head… of you just- just floating there… lifeless. I didn't have the chance to mourn or come to terms with anything. At that moment I knew if there was any chance that you were still alive then I had to act fast. I didn't get the chance to cry. I wasn't allowed that luxury. I had to save you." Eddy said, his eyes were hard as they looked at Eddward.
"So, if you ever get the urge to do that again. If there's ever a time when you think killing yourself is the answer, I want you to remember how much you killed me that day, because I cared. I'll always care." Eddy's eyes were red and swollen with unshed pain.
Eddward sniffled as he nodded. "I don't plan on letting it get to that point ever again."
"Good, we won't let it get to that point ever again." Eddy promised as he turned and that was Eddward's cue to follow him back downstairs.
When they reached the bottom, Eddward's phone vibrated in his pocket, alerting him to a new text. He smiled as he read the name that the text had come from.
Eddy studied him, "Kevin sexting you or somethin'?" He joked.
Eddward blushed as he read the message.
'cant stop thinking of u'
"Did Shovelchin really sext you?" Eddy asked as he made a grab for the phone.
Eddward smiled as he held his phone just out of reach, but let it dangle in his fingertips. "Do you really want to see if he did?" He asked as extended the phone for Eddy to see.
Eddy put his hands out in front of him as he backed up. "On second thought. I really don't want to see Jockstrap in his jockstrap."
"Relax, Eddy." Eddward said as he went to sit on the couch. "It's actually the first time he's texted me since before everything happened." He admitted.
Eddy's brows shot up. "Really? I thought you would've made more progress by now." He said as he sat down beside him and kicked his feet up on the coffee table.
Eddward rolled his eyes, but said nothing. He wanted Eddy to feel comfortable in his house again.
"I know, you know we haven't. Your budding friendship with Kevin isn't an oversight on my part. I know you two talk." Eddward said as he gave Eddy a smirk. "If anything good came from this, it's your friendship with Kevin. Did you guys get your bff tattoos yet?" He asked mockingly.
"Haha, very funny." Eddy started as Eddward's phone vibrated again with another incoming text. "By all means, pretend I'm not even here. Tell your boyfriend I say hi though and to return my calls. I don't like being ignored by him, even if it is for you." Eddy said jokingly.
Eddward took his phone out to look at the message.
'srry if that was 2 much but i cant stop thinkin bout r kiss'
He felt his cheeks redden. He missed this side of Kevin. The loving and carefree side of him. They'd had so much fun at one point. Could it ever go back to being like that?
Eddward sighed. "He's not my boyfriend. We can't be that, even outside of school. He said it before. We can't."
"Well, why the fuck not?" Eddy asked, getting pissed off.
Eddward gave him a superfluous look. "Really, Eddy? I thought you of all people would understand me on this." When Eddy just looked at him dumbfounded, he continued on. "Kevin told me during our breakup that the reason he didn't want us to be official at school was because he feared how it would affect me. He didn't want to create any more unnecessary problems for me. He's a jock and I'm- well, me. I didn't respect his decision at the time because it felt like he was ashamed of me." Eddward felt the walls of his mind closing in on himself again.
"And? I know there's more." Eddy said, coaxing him on.
Eddward felt himself shutting down, he was afraid to face the hard truth. "Kevin fell in love with the worst version of myself. What if he can't see me for who I am now?" Eddward asked.
Eddy laughed, not a judgemental laugh, but one of his own stupidity. "Dee, Kevin saw the real you, the one that you didn't want anyone to see. I think he saw right through your bullshit act and I think that's what really scared you before. Hell, it probably still scares you now. You couldn't hide from him before and you can't hide from him now."
Eddward felt the blush spreading down his neck. Eddy was right. Kevin had seen it all. The bits and pieces that broke through even when he tried to hide them. Kevin hated the dark version of himself that he had thrust forward as his forefront. Kevin had seen through every mask, every broken facade, and always saw him- the real him.
"When did you get to be so insightful?" Eddward asked as he threw one of the couch pillows at Eddy's face.
Eddy deflected and it fell to the floor. "What can I say, I'm a love guru. I just suck at taking my own advice, but who knows. Maybe once you and Kevin come out I can too." Eddy didn't realize what he'd said until the words left his lips.
Eddward stifled a laugh behind his hand. "I knew we shared a gay moment in the hospital. And your friendship with Kevin should have been a dead giveaway."
The pillow was flung at him. He caught it as his laughter consumed him.
"Yeah, I set myself up for that one." Eddy admitted as he continued to laugh. "Seriously though, text the guy back. He's probably freaking out waiting for your response."
"I don't even know what to say to him."
"Then send him some emojis to decipher or somethin', but don't leave him on read." Eddy exclaimed.
Eddward gripped the phone in his hand tightly as he pondered over what to say to him.
Kevin lounged on Nazz's bed staring at the text thread with Eddward. Well it was the messages he'd sent to Eddadrd that were being left unresponded to. He was hopeful that Eddward would respond, but the nerves were eating at him. Maybe he was being too forward. Maybe this was all going too fast and Eddward wasn't ready. He shook those thoughts from his head. Eddward had initiated the kiss in the hall. The collar of his shirts still had wrinkles from where Eddward had fisted the material.
"He answer you back?" Nazz asked from her desk chair.
Kevin groaned his response as he held his phone up over his body. "Maybe I have bad service in here."
Nazz stood and crossed the room. She collapsed on the bed beside Kevin.
"What made you finally text him anyway? The whole thing in the cafeteria today finally give you the boost you needed?" She asked as she sprawled on her stomach with her feet in the air behind her.
Kevin was on his back, his phone still held up high over his head. A small smile crept over his face as she angled her head to look at his phone. She gasped as she read the texts he'd sent. She slapped his arm, effectively knocking the phone out of his hands. It fell onto his face with a dull thud.
"Ow," he said as he rubbed at his cheek.
"You didn't tell me you kissed him!" She squealed as she shook his shoulder. "When? Tell me!"
Kevin felt his face reddening. "After I walked with him to the guidance counselor's office. We uh- before the bell went off- yeah." He didn't know why he was suddenly feeling nervous around Nazz.
"Wait, you guys kissed in school?" Oh my God, Kevin, that's huge!" Nazz was over the moon delighted.
Kevin looked at her and smiled, but he was sure it wasn't convincing. His mind was racing. Eddward had recoiled from his touch at first. Well, not at first. Eddward had clung to him like life support after he dragged him out of the cafeteria, but he knew he had to get Eddward out of that situation. He'd seen the glazed look in his eyes, the disassociation that followed as Eddward receded in on himself. He'd seen that look so many times. He knew he needed to get him away from the chaos.
Eddward would have clung on to anyone in that moment, selfishly, Kevin was just grateful it was him. When Eddward realized Kevin was the one holding him his eyes shone with relief and something else… Gratitude? Understanding? Possibly love? He'd hoped it was the last one, but he couldn't be too sure. Eddward needed his touch, didn't want to let go, and Kevin didn't want to let him go. He would have held onto him for as long as Eddward had needed, had wanted.
But when Kevin had tried to bridge the gap between them, Eddward had pulled away like he always had. Maybe Kevin was pulling at frayed strings as he tried to hold on to something they both wanted. Or had wanted once at least. But then Kevin had pulled up all his courage and kissed his forehead, nothing too crazy or dramatic, but something. It needed to be just enough so that Eddward knew he still cared for him. Had never stopped caring for him.
And then Eddward had done the unimaginable. He'd fisted his shirt and pulled him in close. If that wasn't a green flag to go for it then Kevin wasn't sure he understood signals at all then. The kiss had been fire; heat and desire. There was a longing that lingered between them with unshed emotions and words. It was far from the conversation they needed to have, but it was a type of closure they both needed and deserved.
"Nazz, I want him back. I don't even care about anything else anymore." He decreed as he turned to look at her.
The seriousness in his tone and face was evident. He was determined now more than ever, but-
"I'm just scared. It's so much more complicated now than it ever was. And I don't want it to be too much for him." Kevin admitted as he turned his head to stare back up at the ceiling.
"Don't you think he deserves the chance to decide that for himself. Give him some credit here, Kev. He literally fought through death." Nazz said reassuringly.
Kevin smiled, Eddward was amazing. He'd fought death off more than once now. This time, however, something was definitely different. Eddward was different. Kevin just hoped it was for the better. A wave of guilt washed over him.
"Nazz, you remember when you said people don't really change, they just show you who they really are, or who they've always been, however you put it. What if-" Kevin crossed his arms over his face and grunted. "Fuck, I'm so scared Nazz. We were both so horrible at the end. I didn't trust him. I had a right not to I mean, look what fuckin' happened. But I also was so horrible to him sometimes, like my anger justified it and that made it okay somehow. What if it goes back to that. We can't just play pretend." Kevin sighed angrily as he felt Nazz shift on the bed.
"Then don't pretend. Address what happened. Have a real conversation and don't just rush in. I still stand by what I said. People will always show you who they truly are Kev, maybe you both just hid that part of yourselves when things got too serious." Her voice was unwavering and reassuring.
Kevin felt his phone ping from beside him. He swallowed the hard lump in his throat as he reached for the phone.
'I still love you.'
Kevin wasn't sure his chest could contain his erratic heartbeat.
Still
As in he never stopped. Kevin replayed that phone conversation in his head. Where he yelled and belittled Eddward and accused him of never loving him. But he did, he still did. There was hope.