Chapter 18~

The next thing she knew, the scene in front of her appeared from the darkness that the last memory faded from. 'This… this is UC Sunnydale Library.' She looked around her. People were everywhere. She started to panic. One student came charging from nowhere, seemingly not caring she was there. Before she could move out of his way, he just walked right through her.

Her brows knit in confusion. 'He didn't see me. Just walked through me like a ghost.' This didn't make sense. Why was this so dangerous if she couldn't be seen? Before she could truly start on putting the puzzle pieces together, she saw herself coming into the library.

Her younger self came charging in, but stopped short. Her head turned just slightly toward where Tara was, who was ducking in between two shelves quickly. The younger Tara of the two fully turned and stared exactly at the spot her older self had just vacated. Shaking her head quickly, she turned back and continued into the main study area.

Following her younger self as discreetly as possible, she finally located a very bored looking Willow. This memory came back to her, remembering that sweater, remembering this day. One of the worst days of her life, which ironically ended as one of the best.

Willow spotted Tara rushing in, getting up quickly, "What's up? You okay?"

Tara looked worried, "Oz. We were talking and, he changed. Right in front of me."

Tara couldn't help but think how young they looked. Like all the stress they endured in their daily lives made this moment feel like a decade ago instead of two years, 'We were so young, not children, but… It was just the beginning.' Tears came to her eyes, which she promptly wiped away. She needed to figure this out. She needed to find the real Willow. Tara had to figure out how to control her environment quickly.

She realized she was thinking during the memory so much, she missed it. Willow was rushing off, and the scene around her was darkening again.

-x-

When she came to once more, she was in a backyard she didn't recognize. It was almost familiar, but she couldn't place it. As she realized it was deserted for the moment, she went to sit on the porch steps. She needed to think.

'So, Anya's warning doesn't make sense. I can't be caught by someone who doesn't know me, because it doesn't seem like anyone I don't know can even sense me, much less see me. My memory knew, though. I have to avoid anyone who would know me, including myself apparently,' Tara rolled her eyes. This was going to be very difficult, even with all the time in the world.

She heard the sound of laughter, and what she guessed was a gate opening. Looking around worriedly, Tara realized she was not anywhere she could hide fast enough. Her heart started to pound like crazy. This was it. She failed, 'How could I be so stupid?! I've failed you sweetie. I'm so sorry.'

Just before the voices came around the corner, Tara realized the porch had nothing under it as she looked around in desperation. As fast as possible, she dropped to the ground and rolled. It wasn't very protective, and she would have to rely on the shade to keep her from being noticed.

"Wills, I'm just saying, if Cordy were to 'accidentally' acquire a frog in the back of her pants, it wouldn't be the worst thing," Tara would recognize the young boy anywhere. Even if she hadn't seen the few pictures Willow had, Xander hadn't changed much. He got taller, he gained muscle, and his hair was managed a lot better, but the goofy grin gave him away every time.

Willow followed, both kids scrambling to sit on the top of a picnic table, "I would never wish frogs on anyone, Xander. Even Cordelia. We're ten years old, and you're really good at jokes and we're both really smart. There's a bunch we could come up with. Maybe we could try riding our bikes through mud right next to her! Oh, but then we would need mud, and for her to be anywhere near mud. Then we would need to be lucky enough to have our bikes if that were to ever happen. We can't just have our bikes all the time, 'cause then..."

Xander started giggling, "You're babbling again," He saw his best friends face fall, "I know people make fun of it, but I was giggling cause it's you. It's a part of you, and I like it. You're my Willow. My best friend in the whole world. Other kids are stupid. You're the bestest friend and smartest girl in our whole grade. Maybe even the whole school!"

Willow blushed. Tara remembered the stories. The redhead had been crushing on Xander for years. To him, this moment was a heartfelt one between friends. To Willow it was one of many beginnings, to their relationship, that weren't real.

Tara's heart felt like it was filled to the brim. She couldn't believe it. It wasn't something anyone else ever got to do outside home movies. She was here, watching her beloved as a child. Rapidly realizing that time was a factor again, Tara shook her head.

This didn't exactly seem like a horrible memory. Xander was making jokes, very plainly trying to make his best friend smile. He abandoned this by hopping off the table and going for the grand finale. Still to this day, Willow can't not smile at his snoopy dance.

As Tara watched ten year old Xander copy the adorable Snoopy, her eyes moved over to the precious young version of the woman she loved more than anything. Children. With everything ahead of them… ahead of her.

That's when it clicked. The word children. She had a major thought about how they were practically children in the library, and back in the cemetery, she had wished she'd been in the library instead of a graveyard. This wasn't a bad memory because she wasn't on the bad memory loop they believed Willow may be on. She was controlling her path the whole time.

All of a sudden she heard the back door open, footsteps came from directly above her, "Willow, you need to come in and eat. Your father and I have a conference we are flying out for early and we won't be back for two weeks. Your babysitter will be here. Say goodbye to Xavier. You'll see him tomorrow, and his mother called to let him know he needed to go home and do some chores."

Willow looked over to Xander sadly. She knew the code. 'Chores' meant cleaning up the broken mess his father left in the wake of his alcohol fueled rage, "Can Xander eat with us?"

Her mother gave her a pointed look, "You already know the answer to that." With that, her mother turned and disappeared into the house once again.

Xander just gave her a strained smile, "It's alright, Wills. I'm used to it. Plus, I'm more worried about two weeks of you being driven mad by your college babysitter. She can't stop making out with her boyfriend long enough to remember you're alive. She's supposed to take care of you, right? You'd think after babysitting you more than half the year, she'd actually take an interest in who she was watching."

"It's OK. She's not all bad. We get away with a lot when she's here, at least. Plus, she lets me do my own food shopping. She just drives me and hands me the money. Can you say chocolate?" Willow followed with the same smile as Xander. They hugged before Xander headed for the gate and Willow hit the first porch step.

Realizing the memory seemed to be winding down, Tara put a pin in this particular memory. Willow had mentioned her parents not really paying much attention, and she knew a bit why Xander didn't want to go home. The part she was more curious of was the babysitter. Willow had always made it sound like her parents and her were just distant from each other. She had mentioned business trips, but Willow made it sound so casual that Tara hadn't realized the equivalent of time Willow spent with them vs basically alone.

Things started to darken, Tara realizing in horror that she lost track, trying to think of where to start. 'Need to find real Willow. Bad memories most likely, probably more of the worst ones.'

-x-

The chaos Tara entered with the next memory seemed almost impossible. Hundreds of women, bald green demons, and hooded robed figures with knives scattered around a very huge cavern. There were weapons clashing everywhere, and Tara fell back when someone came running toward her, forgetting the mysterious woman probably wouldn't be able to see her.

Tara didn't know who she would see, who would recognize her. Deciding to try to stick near the walls and behind rocks or corners, she took a deep breath and started searching for Willow. Or in this case, Willows. She would need to identify both before she could make a move on talking to the real one, or risk revealing herself to a shadow of Willow rather than the one she was here to save.

She looked over and spotted Dawn, who was staring across the cavern. It was then that Tara realized this was the memory Dawn had been speaking about. Looking toward Xander, she saw him fall. Tara's heart sank, and all she wanted to do was help Dawn, help them all. It took everything in her to not jump in to do so. Tara had to cement the information in her brain that this was a memory. It happened already and nothing she could do would help other than make things worse by forcing a full realm collapse.

Looking in the opposite direction, she saw more fighting, before finally catching a flash of red hair. She hoped it was Willow, as she started away from where she could see Dawn and made her way towards where the redhead had gone around a corner. The sight that greeted her was gut wrenching, heart breaking, and would never leave her own memory even though she wasn't physically there.

Buffy lay on the ground. The lower half of her body crushed under a boulder, 'How the hell did a boulder just land on Buffy?!'

Her answer came a short moment later when another came magically flying not ten feet from where she was behind a rock near the wall. Tara looked toward where the giant projectile came from, seeing hooded figures. They were different from the other ones. These 'people' had black eyes like the ones The First had given Willow, that weren't sewn shut, and while she couldn't feel the magic they were casting, (probably cause of her situation and not being in the real world) it wasn't hard to tell it was magic. Dark magic. Another boulder went hurtling towards a target about twenty feet to her right, and when she looked over, it was Willow.

There was blood around her eye, which made Tara guess this is where that scar came from. Willow raised her hand and threw her own spell, blasting the boulder into nothing more than powder. The redhead quickly called upon more magic, making the ridge ,where some of the dark mages were tossing boulders, collapse. Those specific mages were now gone.

"Buffy!" Willow made her way over to her best friend. Shaking the blonde's shoulders, she called to her.

Hazel eyes opened slowly, "Will. Hey."

Tears were coming in constant streaks down Willow's face. She looked around the boulder, knowing she could lift it with magic, but realizing that Buffy was not going to survive this encounter. There was nothing she could do fast enough once it was removed. So she gave Buffy a tight smile, "How ya doin', Buff? Looking a little rough. It's going to be ok. I'll make it ok."

"We both know that there's no coming back from this Will. Even my Slayer strength and healing isn't going to make this one better," Buffy was also crying slightly and gave Willow's hand a squeeze as best she could, "You're my big gun, Willow. You're kicking ass and taking names. My best friend in the world. I need you to promise to keep Dawn alive. Promise to give everything you've got. She loves you. Trusts you. And you've more than earned it." Her breathing was getting shallow, words coming in gasps randomly.

Willow shook her head, "We've seen me do 'big gun' Buffy. Not something we liked. Faith…"

Buffy shook her head, using all her strength she had left, she squeezed Willow's hand. Even injured, Buffy had quite the death grip and Willow had to strain to not show her discomfort, "No. That wasn't big gun Willow. That was grief fueled mega witch, and she's always going to be a part of you, but you are not defined by her. I've seen you face odds in the negatives. I watched how amazing you were taking care of Tara after Glory and how hard it was, but you still did it and without a second thought… how much you've done for us since coming back from England. You, more than anyone, have fought the biggest battle of your life with darkness. Faith is good, great even. She's earned her place in this family, but you are who Dawn depends on. Even with me here, there were just some things that Dawn wanted you for. It's you, Willow. I know she'll be safe with you."

"Buffy, I…." Willow stopped as Buffy started choking before coughing up blood.

After turning her head to spit out what had been coughed up, Buffy looked straight into the green eyes of her best friend, "Promise me!"

There was a huge rumble, and an uproar started somewhere behind them, the battle was ending, as the hellmouth was starting to collapse from the destruction and the plans they put in place. Tara looked around, swiftly wiping her eyes to help her vision from being blurred by tears anymore. She berated herself once again, as she had been so focused on the painful scene in front of her, she hadn't been looking for signs of her real love.

Tara looked back towards the two best friends, Willow was now crying over Buffy's chest. There was no movement from the blonde. Her words echoed in Tara's mind, though. Willow never talked about it, and the rest of them skirted around what happened during the time she was out of her own mind because of the Hell God.

'I want to know. I know I shouldn't, but she could be there, and I want to see how I was during my insanity,' Tara thought before her surroundings, again, disappeared. She wasn't sure what she felt more. Impossible sorrow, inescapable anger, or relief from leaving this particular memory.

-x-

The next thing Tara felt was floor. She was sitting, and looking around her, it came as a shock to find herself on the upper floor of the Magic Box. Specifically in the far corner, away from the ledge. She heard Buffy asking Willow what she had for her. Making her way softly to the edge of the platform, she watched this new scene.

Buffy was sitting on the steps directly below her, which meant she was in dangerous territory with her 'hiding spot'. Willow was sitting directly across from her, with the other Tara looking around lost in a chair only a few feet from Willow at the research table.

"Some ideas. Well, notions. Or, theories based on wild speculation. Did I mention I'm not good under pressure?" Willow gave a worried smile.

Buffy gave her a serious look, "I need you, Will. You're my big gun."

Willow looked very alarmed, "I'm your – no, I-I was never a gun. Someone else should be the gun. I, I could be a, a cudgel. Or, or a pointy stick."

"You're the strongest person here. You know that, right?" Buffy gave the redhead a look as if she couldn't believe Willow didn't know that.

Willow frowned, "Well … no."

"Will, you're the only person that's ever hurt Glory. At all. You're my best shot at getting her on the ropes, so don't get a jelly belly on me now," Buffy's words, once again, echoed in Tara's mind. The Slayer had said something very significant, telling her some of exactly what she had been missing these last few months.

Willow heard these words, and knowing the redheaded witch as well as she did, it explained a lot. It may have not been the beginning, but the weight of her best friend's declaration would have put major pressure on Willow. While most people would have taken this information and used it for inspiration, Buffy died. Which is all Willow could probably think about.

The constant hours of fixing the Bot, taking the lead of their family and of the Slayer role as best she could, and the obsession of bringing Buffy back. It was guilt. The Slayer passed the torch to Willow, who felt like she put it out not just a few hours later.

Willow decided to finally answer the original question, "Well … I, I … do sort of have this one idea. But, last few days, I've mostly been looking into ways to help Tara. I-I know that shouldn't be my priority…"

Buffy leaned over and put her hand on Willow's knee.

"Of course it should," Buffy gave her a supportive smile.

Willow gave the smile back gratefully while Buffy reclaimed her hand.

"Well, I've been charting their essences. Mapping out. I think … if I can get close enough, I may be able to reverse what Glory did. Like, take back what she took from Tara. It might weaken Glory, or ... make her less coherent," Willow did a very short pause, "Or it might make all our heads explode."

Giles called for Buffy.

Buffy looked towards him and noticed he was discussing something with Xander and Anya.

Willow gave her a nod, "I'll try to work it."

Buffy stood and walked away, putting her hand briefly on Willow's shoulder in support.

Tara watched as Willow stood before kneeling in front of her younger self.

"Don't worry, love. It won't be long," Willow put her hands on Tara's knees.

The shock that registered on Tara's face was palpable when young Tara reached across and within just seconds, slapped Willow completely across the face.

"Bitch! I'm supposed to work on the factors!"

Willow's eyes started to water. Not from the pain of the slap, but from Tara's state. The anger passed from the brunette's face swiftly and left only anxious energy in its wake.

"I'm, I'm not … I'm not…" Her hand shook ever so slightly as she reached towards her loves cheek. Her own eyes started to water.

Willow's last statement was full of hope, certainty, and a small bit of despair as she held Tara's wrist lightly, "I'm gonna bring you back."

-x-

Tension and fear filled the room around the barrier of the spell. It had been almost an hour since the chanting stopped. Almost an hour since Tara became silent, falling onto the floor of pillows they had collected for when she fell back. It was driving them all crazy having to watch the scene, unable to help.

Little known to the rest of them, it was quite lucky this wasn't the nether realms, as it may have been a very uncomfortable transition when Tara entered the world she was trying to access. In a small private moment with Giles, she whispered her concerns about this very fact, and while Giles blushed at this, he assured her this would be a different experience. He was still randomly cleaning his glasses in intervals the last hour.

"How long this gonna take, Jeeves? I mean, is Red just goin' to pop up and scare the shit out of us, or…?" Faith's energy was out of sorts. Everyone could see this was bothering her as much as it was them.

Buffy decided to repay Faith's earlier comment, "It's going to be alright, Faith. They're going to make it through this." Brown eyes met hazel, and for the first time in what seemed like a very long time, Faith seemed scared. Buffy knew why. It had always been difficult for her darker half to show concern or care about someone. It was now very obvious how close Faith had become with her little sister and best friend. So she smiled at Faith, trying to show every ounce of bravery she could as she attempted to share some strength with the younger Slayer. Well, younger if she weren't from a different time.

"We cant know for sure," Anya said from her place on Xander's lap. They had taken to sitting on the floor a few feet from Tara's position, "No one has ever tried this. They couldn't. Power, skill, knowledge. All have to be present for this type of situation, on top of major amounts of energy according to the spell. It has never been recorded that there was ever another capable witch in any of the other instances except for the coma bound original caster. Even if there had been though, the amount of energy you need is insane because you need to sustain the spell for possible massive amounts of time. You or Buffy would have been pretty exhausted after just this hour. Dawn is doing very well. Be prepared for her to sleep a lot. It'll be ok like Buffy said. It has to. Tara is the last person to deserve a hell dimension."

"The Willster doesn't exactly deserve it either," Xander looked to his fiancé.

Anya nodded her head, "More than Tara, but definitely less than most humans."

Melody gave a hint of smirk from her place by the window. The ex demon sure did say what was on her mind. The time was getting to the vampire as well. She had even offered to go check to make sure Spike was still guarding the house from interruptions. Mostly to steal a smoke.

Giles finally joined the conversation, "There's been no change, good or bad. We shall take this as good news for now."

-x-

The next memory Tara endured was in an RV of some sort. She couldn't believe how sweet, attentive, and especially patient Willow was with her at this time. Even Spike was being understanding and likeable, as he nurtured the wound from the sunlight young Tara had exposed him to. She couldn't see them, and had to pray to every goddess that no one needed the bathroom while she was here.

Willow was still at fault for the terrible decisions she made, and the magic and spells she had been using to control things. However, Tara was beginning to understand Willow a bit better and made Tara realize just how much Willow had hidden about her own past as well as the amount of care and patience she herself had needed from her love at this time.

Just like it had for her when her family came, Willow's past was unraveling in front of Tara's eyes. Things never told to her, shared with her. Willow had always done her best to be strong, and Tara was realizing more than even before, how important Faith's advice and her own speech about opening up was. So much could have been avoided with real conversation. This was always one of the saddest parts of growing up, even without their crazy lives as the Slayer's family. Looking back on bad choices, and seeing what you could have done different.

'I need to think. Where would Willow be? It's obvious she could have been in the battle memory, but I missed that opportunity,' Tara looked worried. She knew the answer. Knew where she had to look. Willow would be in the worst of the worst memories and if she missed her chance with Buffy, there were only so many that would truly torture Willow enough for a punishment she felt she deserved.

Tara was going to have to confront her own death, and then…. Dark Willow.

'It'll be alright, Tara.'

The witch looked around the bathroom panicked. A disembodied voice that sounded like Dawn should not be in a tiny RV bathroom with her, 'Dawn?'

'You heard me?! I can see everything. It's weird. I follow you around kind of, but I also hear everything in the room. Faith is worried.'

'You've been here the whole time? And you're just now speaking up?' Tara looked annoyed.

'Not like I know how this stuff works. And Giles never said anything. I didn't even realize you would hear me when I said it would be alright. Just so you know, Willow knew it wasn't you who slapped her. It wasn't your fault. I know you. You're belittling yourself. You wouldn't let me do that in this situation.'

Tara sighed quietly. She could hear the sounds of a sword fight above her now, 'Why didn't anyone tell me?'

'Would you have told Willow how hard it was if it was reversed? Plus, I didn't actually know about this particular incident.'

'This i-incident? What all d-did I do?' A look of horror crossed her face as her voice shook even in her own head.

'I don't know, Tara. Willow tried to keep things on the down low from me. From everyone really. She shouldered most of that alone if she could. I don't think she wanted anyone to see you like that. To see you as anything but the extraordinary person you really are. I did get to feed you applesauce and Willow was so good with you even when you were scared. It was the most loving thing I ever heard ya know. Willow said you were her girl. Her always. It was especially difficult that she couldn't get the revenge she wanted.' Dawn's voice was sad, knowing that even she didn't have all the answers for Tara. There was going to be some heavy conversations for the couple if they made it out of this.

'Revenge? What are you talking about?' Tara became worried again. Before Dawn could reply, the memory began to fade. Which meant that Tara was possibly about to find out what Dawn meant, as the question about revenge was the last thing she had wanted information on. She wasn't certain if she was about to meet Willow's darker half, see herself die, or find out something else Willow had done in rage over Tara's well being.

'Dawnie?' Tara asked as the darkness slowly shrouded her vision.

'Yeah?'

Tara gave a small laugh trying to shake off all the stress and tension of everything, 'Remind me that we need to get Willow some anger management help in case my safety is compromised in the future…'

Dawn could be heard giggling, 'Good luck getting Willow to any sort of therapy.'

-x-

The area became clear around her, and she realized she was standing in the hallway of Buffy and Dawn's home. Their home.

"Hey. Clothes," Willow could be heard speaking in the bedroom ahead of her. Tara slowly made her way down the hall and peaked in. She had heard her shadow's reply about not getting used to them. Looking into the room with just the crack in the door, she saw them embracing while watching herself point out that Xander was here.

She didn't remember this, and she was obviously in her right mind. Her stomach lurched, 'I don't remember this.'

'I do.'

'You're here in the house? I need to hide,' Tara started to turn away.

'No. I'm not there yet, but I remember that sweater. It was one of Willow's favorites. You guys had finally made it back to each other…' Dawn's voice adopted an anguish that no one so young should have to use.

Tara finally clued in, 'I'm not forgetting about the revenge comment.' She felt her heart speed up. This is when she died. Another deep breath before she tried to focus on finding Willow instead of watching the devastating event that was about to happen.

Tara couldn't really see much from the angle, and quietly backed down the hall to the bathroom door hoping for something to help her look for Willow. Before she could reach the door, a shot rang out and glass was breaking, which made her turn with impossible speed back to the door. She could hear a very distraught Willow calling her name. Tara made her way back to the bedroom door. She had to see it. Had to know. When she came to it, she barely caught the flash in Willow's eyes through the mirror, seeing red. Never had she seen Willow this way. Not even when they were burying Buffy.

When nothing would wake shadow Tara up, Willow started using a spell. Tara listened as she called on Osiris.

'My guess is that's the first spell she's done in months since she went cold turkey.'

Dawn's voice was small, and strained. She had definitely been crying, and they both wondered if that would reflect in the real world.

Suddenly the sound of another person crying became apparent, and it wasn't coming from the bedroom, 'Dawn. Who else is in the house? I, the other me, had said Xander was with Buffy in the back yard and you said you weren't home.'

'No one. Anya's at work and Giles isn't back.'

Tara turned back toward the hallway, she tried to pinpoint where it was coming from. The most horrific sound ripped from the room behind her. It was Willow screaming 'No' presumably at Osiris. She would need to find out from Willow later to be sure. Passing Dawn's room, Tara realized someone was crying in Buffy's bedroom. A crying she recognized. She turned the handle, instantly finding the red eyes and tear stained face of her love, her always. Emerald met sapphire while confusion, fear, and pain were warring in Willow's eyes.

"Tara? They sent you?" Willow's voice held such a heart crushing pain that Tara didn't know how to handle it.

Tara couldn't understand why Willow seemed so upset. She could only guess that Willow didn't think she was real, "I'm here sweetie. It's really me. I came to bring you back where you belong." She stepped forward only to see Willow jump off the bed and step back.

"Why? I was this bad? I was so bad that my everything, my heart was the one sent to collect me for hell? Because I really thought I'd done some sort of redeeming things before I died," Shimmering green eyes looked around, finding the window. She was glad it looked out onto the front yard and not the back. Willow sniffled as she took in what she believed to be her last look at a beautiful sunny day, but remembered what this day brought. She hated today. Maybe hell was better than reliving this day over and over.

"Willow, sweetie, no," Tara's heart felt like it was being ripped in two, as it was now clear exactly what Willow thought she was here for, "Will, I'm not here to take you to hell. You will NEVER deserve hell. I'm here to take you home."

-x-