Author's Note:

Over 500 reviews now! Y'all are the best! I know I'm terrible about responding to them, but I really do read and appreciate them all!

As you know, I don't own it…

Chapter 19

BPOV

Monday morning, I sank into my office chair and dropped my head back with a sigh. As hard as I'd tried to just focus on what I had with Edward, by the time I'd gotten home the night before, I couldn't turn those thoughts off any longer. I'd spent the day with Edward the day before and had stayed for dinner after he'd picked up Maggie from his parents in the afternoon. After spending a few days apart, the weekend with Edward had been idyllic, but going home to my empty house had been like being doused in ice water. It's not like this feeling was new, though. I'd been struggling with it from the moment Edward and I had started our relationship, but it had finally set in just how hard this was.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of my office door closing. I raised my head to see Angela settling into the chair across from me. She sat a cup of coffee in front of me, then sat back and sipped her own. Neither of us spoke for a full minute.

"Ugh, are you really going to make me drag it out of you?" she asked.

"Drag what out of me?" I asked, feigning nonchalance. Angela just raised her eyebrow and leveled me with a look that said I knew damn well what she was talking about. "Okay, fine. I'm in a mood, but it's nothing really."

"It's not nothing, Bella, and it's not just today. You've been up and down a few times in the last several weeks and that's not really like you. What's going on?" she asked, and I knew I'd cave. I hadn't told her about Edward and me, even though I knew I could trust her, but maybe talking to someone who wasn't quite as close to the situation would be good.

"Well, I guess I should start at the beginning," I said. "You know I've been hanging out with Edward and Alice has thrown several fits about it." She nodded and I continued. "So, here's the thing. Turns out Alice isn't really so far off the mark anymore. Edward and I have been seeing each other."

"What?! For how long?"

"Um…well, a month and half or so, I guess," I told her.

"And you're just now telling me?" Angela asked, looking a little hurt.

"I'm sorry, Ang, it's just a really crazy situation, and I know you would never say anything, but we've had some ups and downs and I just wasn't ready to talk about it," I explained, and she nodded in understanding.

"So, what's up now? You've seemed happy lately, but now you look like someone took your favorite toy away."

I laughed at her description. "I have been happy. I'm still happy, it's just that it kind of hit me this weekend that there's no end to this limbo in sight," I began. I told her about how Edward and I had gotten together and how we'd struggled. I also told her all about the drama with Alice and getting caught kissing by Rosalie.

"The thing is, I love him so much and I want nothing more than to be with him all the time. Not being together for the holiday was hard, and Christmas is going to be even harder. I know he wants to be with me, too, and that ultimately, we want the same things, which is great. And I knew when we started this it wouldn't be easy, but it has finally sunk in that there's really no end in sight. I mean, he's still married to Tanya, and she's already been in a coma for nearly seven years and there's no telling how long she'll live in this state," I paused and shook my head. "I know I sound like a monster for wanting her out of the picture, but I can't help it."

"Bella, you're not a monster," Angela interjected.

"Ang, I basically just told you that I wish she were dead. How does that not make me a monster?"

"It doesn't," she said firmly. "Hell, death would be the most humane thing that could happen to her at this point. Do you think Tanya would want to live like this if she had a choice?"

"No, I know she wouldn't. I just feel so fucking selfish for even thinking it. But seriously, what other choice is there? I mean, it's not like he can divorce her."

"Why can't he?" Angela asked.

"Well, I guess technically he could. I don't know. But he's never told anyone the truth about Tanya and their marriage, and now, after all this time, it would be even harder to tell the truth and have to explain why he never told them in the first place. He says he'll figure out how to be free from her, but I know it will cause even more drama, so I haven't pushed it."

"I'm sorry, Bells, that really sucks," Angela said sympathetically.

"Yeah, but it is what it is. I knew what I was getting into, and I'm not willing to give him up, so… Anyway, I think the holiday season is just sort of making me wish things could be different more than I usually do. It's good to talk it out, though," I said with a sad smile.

"You know I'm here anytime. But just try to focus on the positives as much as you can."

I nodded as Angela reached across the desk and squeezed my hand as she stood up to leave the office. After she was gone, I took a few more minutes to shake off my mood before settling into work. I did feel a little better after talking to Angela. Of course, I could have talked to Edward, but I didn't want to make him feel bad or put him in a more difficult position. Squaring my shoulders, I resolved to focus on the positive like Angela had advised. My relationship was difficult enough without me sabotaging it with negative thoughts and constantly wishing for something I couldn't have. I'd once thought I couldn't have Edward at all, but I did have him. He loved me and I got to spend time with him and Maggie, and I was content with that.

The next couple of weeks passed uneventfully. Edward and I had settled into a nice routine. We saw each other nearly every day between lunch dates and dinner together with Maggie several times a week. Of course, we still had to be careful about how we interacted in front of Maggie, but I enjoyed that time with her just as much as I did time alone with Edward. Maybe even more. After my talk with Angela, I'd done as I set out to do and focused on the positives and it had helped my outlook immensely. I still got in my head at times, but that was nothing new. Angela was a great friend who never judged and was happy to listen and tell me to get over myself when needed. Rosalie and I also got together at least once a week, so having a couple of friends who I didn't have to hide anything from was wonderful. I missed Alice, but thinking about her didn't help me remain positive, so I did my best to not think about her or the demise of our friendship. There were times when I couldn't avoid those thoughts, though.

At lunch with Rose one day a couple of weeks before Christmas, she finally addressed the elephant in the room. We hadn't talked about Alice in a while, but apparently today was the day.

"So, have you heard from Alice lately?" Rose asked.

"You know the answer to that," I said. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, she's tried calling me a couple of times," Rose admitted with an expression I couldn't read.

"She tried? I take it that means you haven't talked to her?" I clarified.

"No," she said. "I ignored her calls, but then she texted me."

"Why didn't you answer? You're allowed to talk to her," I pointed out.

"I know I am. I just feel like I'm betraying you," Rose said apologetically.

"Don't be ridiculous. I never expected anyone to take sides. This isn't your fight, Rose."

"I know you don't expect it, but I can't just ignore her behavior. It may not have been directed at me, but I don't particularly want to spend time with someone who treats their friends and family the way Alice has treated you and Edward. Not to mention her own parents," Rose explained.

"I understand that. It's your decision whether or not you talk to her, but please don't avoid her just for me," I said, then paused as I sipped my drink. "Do you mind me asking what she wanted?"

"No, I don't mind. She was just asking what to get the kids for Christmas. Then she asked what she should get for Maggie. I did respond to her text regarding Tyler and Kate, but I told her she'd have to talk to Edward about Maggie. She hasn't responded since, so I'm guessing she's pissed," Rose smirked.

"Ugh, you'd think I would have learned by now, but I still can't believe it's come to this."

"I know," Rose agreed. "I've always known that Alice had her head stuck up Tanya's ass, but I'm still surprised at how blind she is to Tanya's true colors."

Rose's words reminded me of our conversation the night I'd last seen Alice, when Rose had mentioned Tanya not being a saint, and I realized we'd never continued that conversation. I still wondered what she knew of Edward and Tanya's marriage, so I reminded her of that comment and asked her what she had meant.

"I don't really know anything for sure, but I've always suspected that Edward wasn't happy with her. He and Tanya being together never made sense to me. He's so quiet and kind and she was so selfish and conceited. When they hooked up, I just assumed it was a drunken fling, but then they were just together. I thought for a while that maybe I was wrong about Tanya, that Edward saw something in her that I didn't, but it didn't take me long to realize my first impression of her was pretty accurate. I still don't know why or how Edward put up with her," Rose explained.

"I'm so glad I'm not the only one who felt that way. It never made sense to me either."

"He wasn't happy, though, was he?" Rose asked.

"Well, that's Edward's story to tell, so I won't go into detail, but I will say that you're not wrong," I told her.

"I just don't understand how Alice couldn't see it. Hell, she still can't. I knew Tanya was fake and manipulative the moment I met her. I don't know how you put up with her either," Rose said.

"I've asked myself that same question a thousand times," I said. "I don't have any answers, though. Alice has been completely blind to Tanya from the moment we met her. And as for how I put up with her, I just never wanted to completely give up on Alice, and it didn't take me long to realize that Tanya was part of the package, so I dealt with it. She wasn't all bad. It's not like I was totally miserable every time I was around her, but I never thought she hung the moon like Alice did."

Rose nodded sympathetically as our waiter dropped off our lunch, then picked up her fork and dug in. Our conversation halted as we ate, and my thoughts drifted back to my history with Alice and Tanya. I tried not to dwell on the past, but it was hard to avoid the memories when I now knew they were the beginning of the end of my friendship with Alice.

15 Years Ago – Junior Year – Forks High School

I sighed in relief as the bell rang, signaling it was finally time for lunch. I quickly threw my things into my bag and slipped out of the room. I smiled to myself when I noticed that Mike Newton was still gathering his books. He'd been relentless in asking me out this year and always tried to walk to the cafeteria with me, so I'd made it my mission to escape class before he was ready to go. I made it to the cafeteria and sat down at my usual lunch table and pulled my book out of my bag along with my lunch sack and looked around for Alice. I spotted her in the lunch line talking with Jessica Stanley. I knew she wouldn't escape that conversation quickly, so I opened my book and started to read while I munched on the chips I'd packed in my lunch.

"Ugh, I cannot wait until we get out of this town. Even lunch is boring," Alice said as she dropped her tray on the table and slid into the seat across from me a few minutes later. I looked up from my book and rolled my eyes at her.

"So, start bringing your lunch from home. Although, you've been eating the school food for years and never had a problem with it until now," I pointed out.

"Yeah, because bringing the same tired sandwich every day is so much more exciting than what the cafeteria offers," she said sarcastically. I just shrugged and took a bite of my boring sandwich. I grinned when Alice huffed at me and resumed my reading. Alice had always talked about getting out of Forks, basically ever since she'd moved here, but she'd gotten progressively more vocal about it in the last few weeks. I wasn't stupid, I knew why she was suddenly so much more restless, but I figured she'd calm down when the new wore off. The new being Tanya Denali.

Alice Cullen had been my best friend since third grade when her family had moved here for her dad's job, and we'd been basically inseparable from the day she'd walked into Mrs. Cope's classroom. She'd been an outgoing pixie of a little girl and had grinned impishly at me and declared we'd be best friends when Mrs. Cope had seated her beside me. I'd always been on the quiet side, but I guess our personalities complemented each other, because here we were years later and still best friends, just like she'd predicted. One of the things that I loved most about her was that she had as little use for the usual high school drama as I did. At least she had until Tanya had come along.

Tanya Denali had moved to Forks from Chicago about a month before when her father had taken a position at the local hospital. Dr. Denali was working for Alice's dad and Alice had been excited about Tanya's family moving here since Carlisle had told her about it a few months before. She hadn't met Tanya until they got here, but the mere thought of having a friend from a big city like Chicago had Alice practically buzzing with anticipation. I liked Tanya just fine, but it hadn't escaped my notice that Alice had become increasingly discontented with our small town and yet somehow more into the local drama since her arrival.

"Bella! Are you listening to me?" Alice asked, bringing my focus to the moment.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" I asked.

"I was saying that Tanya's mom is going to take us shopping in Seattle this weekend! I can't wait! It's been so long since I've been to the city and there's so much more there than there is here or Port Angeles," she exclaimed. I glanced up and shared an eyeroll with the tall, lanky figure that was lowering himself into the seat next to Alice.

"Hi Jazzy! I was just telling Bella that we're going shopping in the city this weekend. Isn't that exciting?" she asked.

"Sure is, babe," Jasper responded to humor her as he leaned over and kissed Alice on the temple, then picked up the pizza he'd chosen for lunch.

"I'm sure Bella's real excited," he added sarcastically with a smirk as Alice continued to ramble about the impending shopping trip. My hatred of shopping was no secret.

"Bella's not going," I said.

"What? Why not?" Alice demanded.

"Ali, you know I have plans with Jake this weekend. I told him I'd help get ready for the bonfire at the beach. Remember, you guys were all supposed to come," I reminded her of the party the boys on the nearby Quileute reservation were planning.

"Hey guys, what's going on," Tanya said as she walked up to the table and sat down.

"Bella can't go shopping with us," Alice told her with a pout. "She's helping out with the bonfire out on the res."

"Oh, was that this weekend? That's too bad," Tanya said, not sounding sorry at all.

"Yes, I had forgotten about it, too. It's been a while since we've been to a party out on the beach. Maybe we could go to Seattle next weekend. The bonfires are always fun, plus Bella could go then," Alice suggested hopefully.

"I don't think next weekend will work for my mom," Tanya said. "Besides, you can't possibly tell me that a lame bonfire would be better than shopping and spending the weekend in the city, Alice."

"Well, sure, going to Seattle is great, but you've never been to a bonfire out on First Beach. It really is a lot of fun," Alice defended.

"Maybe so, but I'm not giving up a shopping trip and a couple of days away from this boring ass town. I really want you to come, Alice," Tanya whined, then belatedly turned to me. "And Bella too, of course, but I know you won't ditch your friends on the reservation."

"Nope, I won't," I confirmed, trying to keep the acid out of my voice at her condescending tone. Tanya shrugged then turned back to Alice.

"So, you're coming right?" Tanya asked her. Alice looked torn for a moment as she glanced between Tanya and me, but finally nodded and looked at me apologetically as Tanya grinned triumphantly. I sighed in resignation and glanced at Jasper who shot me a sympathetic look. I shrugged and turned back to my book as Alice and Tanya planned out their trip. I wasn't really upset that Alice and Tanya were going without me, especially considering a weekend of shopping sounded like torture to me, but I couldn't deny that it stung a little that Alice was so eager to please Tanya all the time. I didn't mind her having another friend, and we all did plenty of things together, so it wasn't like they were constantly excluding me, but a small part of me didn't really like some of the changes I was seeing in my best friend. I just hoped that things would calm down soon and Alice would go back to normal once we'd all settled into this new dynamic.

I pulled myself out of my thoughts when I realized Rose was talking again. I had missed part of what she said, but I was able to figure out she was talking about what she and Emmett were getting the kids for Christmas. I laughed as she joked about Emmett essentially being a third child, and I was grateful for her changing the subject and not letting me wallow in my sadness over Alice for too long. I wasn't sure if I'd ever truly get over my hurt that our history seemingly meant nothing to Alice, but I was determined to move on the best I could and focus on the good things in my life.

Author's Note:

Well, things are moving along and they are settling into their relationship. It can't be all smooth sailing forever, though…

Let me know what you think! Next chapter up soon!