A/N: I've covered this once before, but decided to tackle it again. In this one-shot, Sarah has heard Bryce's comments to Chuck about her. She's not happy and she gets to share her thoughts rather than be cut off by Chuck. I loved her response to him earlier saying he always came second to Bryce Larkin as he looked at the flower display in her hospital room, so decided that would be the title of this story.
No beta, so PM me if you spot anything you feel needs correcting.
Not Always
Sarah had just parked her Porsche to head into the Echo Park apartment complex. Chuck's sister wanted her there as she and Devon discussed the wedding arrangements.
She felt so honored that Ellie wanted her as a bridesmaid, but even more so that she wanted Sarah to help her with the planning.
Of course, that was all because Ellie thought Sarah was really Chuck's girlfriend, not in a cover relationship with him.
The events from the latest mission had shaken Sarah but they'd also firmed up her thoughts about the relationship. She was going to open up to Chuck and tell him her true feelings. Feelings she'd been trying to smother but failed miserably.
She wanted the relationship to be as real as she thought he did.
She hinted at it when he visited her in the hospital.
xxx
"I, uh, brought you some gardenias," he said, showing them to her.
She managed not to gasp as she saw him holding them. She held back the tears of gratitude that threatened. "They're my favorite. How did you know?"
He smiled. "Well, I'm not an entirely incompetent spy, you know?"
If she wasn't in pain and hooked up, she wouldn't probably have jumped up and kissed him. "Thank you," she said and pointed. "And you can put them over there."
He spotted the ridiculous display of flowers and his shoulders slumped. "Bryce Larkin, huh?" She didn't want to confirm it. "I guess, no matter what it is, I'll always come in second to that guy."
And that was when she let him know. "Not always." She held his gaze, but he then looked away and she wasn't sure that he understood.
xxx
Well, she was going to make sure he did understand tonight.
Her determination to do that had only increased after seeing the recording Casey showed her earlier.
xxx
Chuck wasn't interested in a conversation with Bryce. "I've already had a pretty long day, and I gotta get to work, so if you have any life-changing bombs that you'd like to drop on me, could you please save them for later?"
Bryce wasn't deterred. "I'm worried about Sarah."
Chuck sighed. "There's nothing to be worried about. She got a minor concussion and a few bruises- she'll be fine."
Bryce leaned closer. "No, that's not what I'm worried about. She went off mission. And not only did we lose the microchip and the FULCRUM agent, the two of you almost got killed."
Chuck sounded annoyed. "Okay, she went off mission to protect me, which by the way, is her job and wins her points in my book."
Bryce snapped at him, "Sarah has feelings for you, Chuck. Feelings that will get her killed. People we deal with are cold-blooded assassins. They have no emotions, no feelings. The only chance we have against Fulcrum is to think and act like they do. Anything less gets us killed."
Chuck looked shaken, but responded, "Sarah knows what she's doing, Bryce."
Bryce turned away looking annoyed, but Sarah watched Chuck looking worried.
xxx
Fucking Larkin! She should've shot him when she had the chance. Now the bastard was getting to Chuck again. She got close but stayed hidden in the shadows so she could hear what they said without either knowing she was there.
"We need to talk about Sarah," Bryce said. "She had a chance to take the shot back there and she didn't. She hesitated and almost cost us the microchip and your life."
Chuck nodded. "I know."
"What are you going to do about it?" Bryce asked.
Chuck sounded frustrated. "I don't know, Bryce. You tell me. What am I supposed to do?"
Bryce sounded almost sad. "You'll do the right thing. You always do. That's why I sent you the Intersect in the first place."
Bryce turned away, but Chuck called him back. "Hey, uh, Bryce... Forgot your glasses."
Bryce blithely replied, "You keep 'em. If you're going to be a real spy, you're gonna need them."
That made no sense to Sarah.
However, Chuck refused them. "I don't... I don't want to be a real spy."
Bryce refused to take them back. "From what I've seen, it's a little too late for that, Chuck. I'm sure you hate me right now. But someday you're gonna realize I was looking out for you. I had been all along."
He walked past Sarah hidden in the shadows. She thought of following him but decided she needed to get to Chuck quickly.
Chuck had just listened to Bryce Larkin's second impassioned speech about Sarah and how her having feelings for him was endangering her.
Bryce's words were stuck in his head as Chuck sat at the fountain, "You'll do the right thing. You always do."
He had to protect Sarah. Much as he wanted to be with her. Life wouldn't be worth living if she died.
Casey knew Sarah was coming over and had switched the surveillance off for the evening. Chuck knew that, so he could have the talk with her that was needed… to do the right thing.
This was gonna suck. With elbow on his knees and head in his hands, Chuck started to compose his thoughts into a speech to push her away.
"Don't you fucking dare agree with him!"
He looked up at Sarah standing in front of him, glaring.
"What-"
"I heard what he said to you!" she snapped. "Both times. The whole twisted lot!"
"Why's it twisted?" he asked. "You did freeze."
"I froze because I would've shot you otherwise! I couldn't do that."
"Because of the Intersect?" he instinctively muttered.
She glared at him for a second or two. "As far as Beckman is concerned, yes, because of the Intersect."
"But that wasn't your reason?" he asked. Bryce had indicated not.
She let out a sigh and dropped her gaze. "No."
He lifted her chin up. "You protect me, not the Intersect, don't you?"
She just nodded.
"And that's what Bryce is worried about," he said. "That you'll put yourself in danger for me. I don't want that." Why didn't she get that?
She got angry. "My job is to protect the Intersect, that's you at the moment. I would endanger myself for the job. It's what I do. So, what Bryce is saying would happen anyway, even if I didn't have feelings for you." She took a deep breath. "If you push me away, it'll just make us both miserable."
He knew she was right, but he couldn't say anything more. He just nodded.
"After we've finished with Ellie and Devon. We're gonna talk more about this," she said. "Probably in your bedroom."
The look in her eyes suggested they may do more than just talk.
He gulped and followed her to the apartment unsure about, well, just about everything.
She took his hand, squeezed it and said, "We'll get through this, Chuck."
He nodded and opened the apartment door.
Ellie rushed to them and grabbed Sarah, pulling her over to the table where she and Devon had been working. Papers were everywhere.
Devon came and said something to Chuck but he didn't really take it in. He was so confused.
Sarah looked around at him. The look she gave him made his knees feel shaky. It was a strange one. A mixture of vulnerability but also determination.
She had to look back at what his sister was showing her, but Chuck felt that their later conversation was going to be a life changer.
The wedding planning was over, at least for the night.
Devon and Ellie had taken turns tidying up and going to the bathroom. Sarah had helped a bit with the former. The place was now clear of all the wedding paraphernalia.
The bride-to-be gave Sarah a hug and a kiss on her cheek. She seemed so happy.
Ellie virtually dragged Devon to the bedroom and the door closed with some finality.
Sarah walked to Chuck who was sitting on the couch, still looking unsure. She grabbed his hand and sat beside him.
"Sarah, I-"
She stopped him. "Need to have a quiet talk with your girlfriend."
She emphasized the last word so he knew she wasn't talking about the cover.
She kissed him. Not an "about to die" kiss like in that warehouse, nor was it a "prove anything" kiss like in front of Roan, nor a cover kiss. This was a gentle, tender kiss that expressed feelings.
He looked stunned as she pulled away.
"You are going to sit and listen at first. I have things I need to share with you."
He nodded and waited.
"This is quite hard for me, Chuck," she said after a pause. "I never talk about my feelings, but this is important. I know I've given you mixed messages. That's because I've been terrified of what might happen."
Chuck frowned, clearly confused, so she had to explain. "If Graham or Beckman found out about how I really feel for you, I could be sent away. It may now just be Beckman, but the problem remains. I don't want that, Chuck. I need to be with you, not only to protect you, although no one else could do that better, but because I want you in my life."
"I don't want you putting yourself in danger to protect me," he said.
She glared at him. "You're supposed to be just listening!"
He didn't shut up, though. "That's the big problem, Sarah. If you died to protect me, my life wouldn't be worth living."
Part of her just wanted to stop talking and hug him, but she had to carry on.
"That's my job here, and don't say you want me to leave, because I wouldn't be able to function on another assignment knowing that your next handler wouldn't care for you and you'd either end up in a bunker or dead. My lack of concentration would lead to me getting killed or, if I heard you were dead, I might do it myself."
He looked shocked at those words. He couldn't say anything.
"In just over a year, you've become the most important thing in my life, Chuck, and I don't just mean what's in your head. You, Chuck Bartowski."
He finally managed to say, "You're the most important thing in my life, too."
She gave him a quick peck on his lips. "So, no doing what Bryce tells you, huh?"
He was quiet as he thought about everything, so she said, "Let me hear the speech you were concocting out there at the fountain. Then, we can talk about how we move forward… as boyfriend and girlfriend."
He looked unsure but she wasn't going to back down on this. He sighed. "Well, the speech goes like this…"
He took a deep breath and started, "We both know how I feel about you, so I'm just gonna shoot straight."
She smiled her encouragement.
"Sarah, you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. You're beautiful, you're smart, you laugh at all of my stupid jokes, and you have this horrible habit of constantly saving my life."
She chuckled at him adding humor, as he often did. The other words filled her heart with joy. This wasn't the rejection she was expecting.
"The truth is, you're everything that I thought I ever wanted and more. The last few days, all I can think about is our future together, about what it's gonna be like once I finally get the Intersect out of my head, how we'll finally be together for real- no fake relationships... no covers, no lies."
She had too, and couldn't hold her grin in.
"But the more I think about it, the more I realize that you and I can never have a future together." Her happiness disappeared. "I fooled myself into thinking that we could, but the truth is we can't. Because even if we had a real relationship, it would never really be real. I'd still never know anything about you- your real name, your hometown, your first love, anything. And I want more than that."
She wanted to interrupt, but he had more to say. Her lips quivered and she could feel the tears forming.
"I want to be able to call you at the end of a bad day and tell you about some funny thing that Morgan did and not find out that I can't because you're off... somewhere in Paraguay, quelling a revolution with a fork."
He started to look away. "I'm a normal guy... who wants a normal life. And as amazing as you are, Sarah Walker, we both know that... you will never be normal."
Her tears were now running down her cheeks. He was looking away, not wanting to look at her. She could see tears in his eyes, too.
She grabbed his chin and forced him to face her. "I will tell you all those things and when we get that thing out of your head, I'm staying. I was ready to leave the CIA before coming here. I only accepted the mission because otherwise it would look like I was in league with a rogue agent. But when I found out what he'd done to you, and that you were totally innocent in this, I had to stay to protect you and keep you out of the bunker that Graham and Beckman had planned for you."
She wiped her tears away. "But you're right. I'm not normal. I never have been. I need to tell you about my life, but that just might make you not want to be with me. Which scares me. More than you could possibly imagine."
She let go of his chin and clasped his hands. "I so desperately want to be normal… with you, Chuck."
She felt like his eyes were boring into hers. Seeking the truth in what she was saying, unsure about it. She hated that, but knew she'd lied so much it was to be expected. She just held his gaze and wanted him to read her.
She decided to start with the things he'd mentioned. "A female agent's real name is something we're taught to hide, but mine is more than that. I haven't used my birth name since I was seven years old. I've been Sarah Walker for longer. That's who met you and when I hear you say it, I feel like it. But I was born as Samantha. I can't risk saying my last real name in case it ever gets heard by others. There's a story that I'll tell you sometime, but not now."
"I was born in a small town near San Diego, so I'm a Californian too."
"I never had a boyfriend at school and was in the CIA at seventeen, so my life hasn't had room for such things." He frowned. She guessed what he was thinking. "I never thought of Bryce as my boyfriend."
That made him frown more. "Partners with benefits?"
She blushed. "That makes it sound awful, and I guess it was. Yes, we had sex. I don't want to talk about that now, though. This is about you and me. And I know that when we have sex, I will feel so very different about it. I want to make love to you, the man of my dreams."
She held his gaze, determined to be very clear about this next scary point. "I'm looking at my first love, Chuck." She was amazed she had managed to actually say it, but it was out there now. She watched for his reaction.
The smile grew on his face as he realized what she'd said. She was sure he loved her, but she'd said it first! "And I love you, Sarah Walker, with all my heart."
She beamed at him. "We have more to talk about, Chuck, but for now, can we go to bed?"
He looked sharply at her, obviously still thinking about her comment about Bryce. She sighed. "I'm sorry about the comment about him. And I am so over him. I am not pushing you to make love to me. We will both know when we're ready for that. I just want us to be together tonight, holding each other. After what you've just said, I need that to know that you're not rejecting me."
He stood and held out his hand. She smiled and placed hers in it. He pulled her up and led her to his bedroom.
She walked to his dresser, opened a drawer and pulled out a t-shirt. She looked at him, showing what she was holding, and said, "I've not brought anything to wear, so is it ok if I wear this?"
He nodded. She took it into the bathroom to change and to use the facilities.
When she returned, Chuck had taken his shoes, socks and pants off, so was just in a t-shirt and boxers. She didn't stare, although she found her eyes drawn down. He, however, did stare. "God, you're so gorgeous," he said softly.
She looked down at herself. His t-shirt covered her only other item of clothing, her panties. Her legs were bare and she knew he liked them. She looked back at him. "You are too, Chuck. Go and use the bathroom and then join me in bed."
He hurried off.
She climbed into bed, pulled the covers over her and thought of the last time she was here. The awful night that had gone so wrong with his harsh words about her apparel. She'd wanted him to see her dressed as she was, it was all she could give him, she thought. She had worked out that his comments were his reaction to her saying it was for the cover rather than because it was for real. She'd hated that herself.
Tonight was definitely not for the cover. It was for themselves, but she wanted him to relax and just hold her, no sexual connotations.
He came back and slid into bed. She moved close and he took her in his arms. She kissed him and then she leaned back to look at him. "This is perfect, Chuck." She brushed the back of her fingers over his cheek. "Just the two of us. No mission, no pressure. Together."
"It is perfect," he agreed. He held her closely. "I'm sorry about those words, Sarah. I wanted to make you safe, but you're right. All it would do is make us miserable. Even saying them did that to you, didn't it?"
"It was a harsh statement of facts as you saw them, Chuck. Some of it reflected what I thought about myself, which hit hard, but we have to work past it together from now on. Casey is supportive, thank god."
"He's switched off the surveillance tonight, hasn't he?"
"He has," she replied.
"So, if we made love, it wouldn't be recorded," he commented.
She smiled and kissed him tenderly. "That's true, but I don't want that to be the reason for our first time, Chuck." She snuggled closer, her head under his chin. "Just hold me and we can drift off together, in the warmth of our embrace."
He was about to do that, but before he touched her back, he stopped. "Sarah, how's your back?"
"I've always healed quickly. It's fine."
He moved his hand down and placed it on her bare thigh. Both of them shivered at the sensation. It was the first time he'd touched either of her legs.
Wonderful though that was, she'd had a hard time the last couple of days and she was soon asleep.
Chuck woke first the following morning. He heard Ellie and Devon moving about. They had early shifts at the hospital.
He decided to let the sleeping beauty lying across him get more rest before waking her.
He'd slipped onto his back and she had her head on his chest, along with her right arm. Her right leg was across his. Her hair was close to his face and the scent of her shampoo was heavenly.
If he never had to move from here he would be happy.
He remembered being with Sarah in the hospital, when he'd felt disheartened at his handful of flowers compared to the vast array already there. He'd commented that he always came second to Bryce and she'd said, "Not always." He no longer felt second. Sarah had very clearly told him that he was first. Her first love, in fact.
God, how he loved her!
There was a tapping on the bedroom door and then his sister peeked in. She saw Sarah, still asleep. "Aww. So cute," she breathed out. She looked at Chuck and quietly said, "Dev and I are off now. You've got a late shift haven't you?"
He mouthed a 'yes.'
"Hold onto that beauty, little brother. You're good for each other."
He smiled at his sister and she waved her fingers and closed the door quietly.
He thought about what she'd said. He would hold on to Sarah. He'd push aside all of Bryce's comments and take on board what Sarah had said. They would work through this together.
"You're thinking aloud," Sarah muttered, sounding very sleepy.
"I'm thinking of us being together," he admitted.
They both heard the apartment door close.
"So, just us here now?" she asked, sounding more awake.
"Mmhmm."
She shifted her position and suddenly her lips were on his. She licked his lower lip and he opened his mouth. Her tongue plunged in and started caressing his.
Suddenly the tenderness morphed into passion. Uncontrollable passion.
Sarah was suddenly a wild thing, but she wasn't the only one. He very briefly thought about her words before they got to bed. They would both know when they were ready to make love. That was now.
He tried to remember where his pants were, and particularly his wallet in the back of them, but she didn't give him a chance to go for it.
In no time, she had them both stripped and him pinned to the bed with her fingers entwined in his. She didn't seem to need her hands.
She made love to him. Their first time was full of gasps, moans and, eventually, a scream from her and groans from him.
It was everything he had ever dreamt of and so much more.
She slumped on him as they recovered. "I'm sorry, Chuck. I just couldn't resist."
He just lay there panting slightly. "It was wonderful."
After a couple of minutes of this delicious sensation, his body responded again. He rolled them over. She could feel what he was thinking. "God, yes, Chuck!"
Their second time, he was in control and it was just as wonderful.
When Sarah had her senses back under control, she got out of bed and walked over to Chuck's desk, having spotted something there.
She recognized Bryce's handwriting on the note on top of the open sunglasses. "That bastard must've sneaked in here," she growled.
Chuck looked at the glasses in her hand. "He seemed keen for me to have those."
She examined them. They were odd. Beyond the hinge, the arms were both larger and thicker than normal, with metallic plates there. She became suspicious. "These aren't normal glasses."
"No. He said they were spy glasses," Chuck replied.
She looked at him. "There's no such thing. What if they're some sort of Intersect updater?"
He gasped and took them off of her to examine them. He sat at his desk and grabbed his electronics toolkit. He soon had one of the arms opened up. The microelectronics were amazing. He closed it back up and looked at her. "What should I do? Destroy them or put them on?"
"Why the hell would you put them on?"
"An update might give us more recent intel that we could use," he replied. "It might make a difference on missions."
Sarah wasn't sure. "Do you trust him?"
"About this? Yes."
She wasn't happy about it, but let him put the sunglasses on, standing in front of her.
Nothing seemed to happen for a few moments then she noticed flashes appearing in front of his eyes. She looked away quickly, not wanting to see anything. She remembered him saying the first download had resulted in him collapsing to the floor, so she scooted around behind him, wishing that he'd been seated.
After maybe half-a-minute, he collapsed onto her. She saw smoke arising from the sunglasses arm and she pulled them off of him and threw them to the floor.
She eased him back toward the bed, lay down and pulled him on top of her. "I hate Bryce Larkin," she growled.
Sarah was back in his t-shirt and her panties after the shower that they'd shared once Chuck had recovered from the download. He didn't seem to have suffered any ill effects, other than a headache.
She was now sitting on one of the dining chairs sipping the coffee Chuck had made for her, while watching him make them pancakes.
Luckily, she was not expected to go into work, being allowed more recovery time, and his late shift gave them the morning together.
She had never felt so happy in her life. In fact, happiness had rarely been part of her life. Saving Molly from Ryker had been part of that. That baby had changed her outlook on life. She would talk to Chuck about Molly and her desire to track down Ryker to remove the threat, but for now she'd just savor her time with him.
They still had Fulcrum to face, with Casey and the general. Nothing had changed that. Hopefully, the Intersect update would help them with that challenge.
General Beckman couldn't know about their relationship change. Thankfully, Casey had declared himself on their side. She didn't know why, but was grateful.
Somehow they would muddle through, but they'd had an end goal… together.
Chuck placed a plate of pancakes on the table between them as he sat down opposite her. He started to pass her a small plate, but she was having none of it.
She stood and walked around the table and sat in his lap. "We will share food from now on, Chuck."
She grabbed the maple syrup he'd brought earlier and coated the top pancake before grabbing a fork and tackling it.
Both of their chins and her hands were soon coated and she didn't care. She wanted to lick him clean and would encourage him to do the same for her.
Days off might get messy, but they'd both thoroughly enjoy them.
A/N: I couldn't resist another revisit of that episode where Chuck was so idiotic, thinking that rejecting Sarah's affections would make her safer. All he did was hurt her. Not as badly as in Prague, but it was still bad. I know that Jill Roberts and Cole Barker are ahead, but everything will be very different for them as a couple. I won't be extending this one, but still thought it worth putting out there as is.
Drop me a review, if you feel you can.