Super Mario and the Thousand Year Drama! (Uncut Version) Chapter 2: Chapture 2: The Archaic Adventure!, a mario fanfic

Disclaimers:

This is a parody of Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door. All characters and various other royalties of Paper Mario are all reserved to Nintendo and Intelligent System as this is for parody use only.

This is an entirely separate universe from the original Paper Mario universe, so expect many inconsistencies made on purpose for comedic effect.

This story contains offensive content such as racist jokes, sexual content, sexism, drug use, a fuckload of violence, and a lot of other offensive shit that we can make jokes about. If you don't like offensive humor then I recommend not reading this but if you still decide to then please leave a comment about how offended you are, I'll get a kick out of it.

If you loved this game as a child and wish to preserve it as pure and full of childhood wonder in your mind then we recommend not reading this because it will fuck you up.

This parody is rated N, for, "Nigga, getcho ass outta here if you a little, punk-ass kid or a butthurt, easily offended muthafucka, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit."

"Getting offended by a joke makes you part of it."

~ George Washington

"If a joke makes you choke then with good timing it was spoke!"

~ Abraham Lincoln

"If nigger is your trigger, try not to be so bitter. If kike is your hype, go back to the trike. If chink makes you sink, you need a drink. If faggot makes you nag it, then this room you shouldn't inhabit."

~ Some homeless guy who I'm pretty sure was high as fuck when saying this

Enjoy.

Super Mario and the

Thousand Year Drama!

(Uncut Version)

Chapture 2: The Archaic Adventure! Without a Sword?

Last time! On Super Mario and the Thousand Year Drama! Mario was given a rude awakening by his brother. He soon gave Mario a letter from the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom telling him to meet her at an unfamiliar town known as Ghettoport on a search for treasure. Then, Mario encountered an archeology student goomba girl who he wound up saving from the deranged man child; Robotnik. After getting to know 1 another and learning more about the treasure, they tracked down her professor who uncovered ever more knowledge about it. They later traveled with them to the sewers to find the ancient door associated with the treasure. 1ce they entered the room of the door, they harnessed a ritual of the map animating a location of 1 the 7 objects made to open the door. We now see them embarking on their first of many adventures to come to opening this door. Find out what event take form this issue of Super Mario! and the a Thousand! Year! Drama! Assuming you never played the original game..

Mario (Age 43) : A former plumber who is sex, drugs, violence, and all of that R rated shit molded into 1 asshole. If this adventure did not some how involve the vadgelly of that of Princess Peach's he would probably be paying prostitutes for a good time. No seriously. He actually doesn't care if he gets executed for not finding her. To put it bluntly, he's a dick!

Goombella (Age 21): An over achieving junior in college who may seem a bit pretentious at times. She tends to get very defensive when she feels insulted and she goes on tangents. She is the brains of the duo along with having a not so secret crush on Mario.

Chapture 2 - 1: Road to Petalburg! Not to be confused with Pokemon Ruby/ Sapphire.

[Captain's log. Stardate: May 17th, 2004. It is 11:11 AM, and sunny with 64 degrees fahrenheit.]

[Petal Meadows]

At long last, their 15 abysmal hour ride through the vile brown warp pipe finally came to a conclusion. Mario and his recent partner Goombella entered the fresh green plains of the Petal Meadows. The sky is clear and for the first time in this region, they finally made to an area that doesn't make them want to fucking kill themselves. This place has good sunlights, endorphin boosting vitamins, and it doesn't smell like rotting shit trash.

Goombella: Finally! We made it out of that disgusting warp pipe! And here we are! We finally made it! The Petal Meadows! Where the grass is green and this world is pretty! I'm excited for our first adventure Mario!

Goombella: Wait... Mario?

Goombella saw Mario sat down on the warp pipe with his overalls down as he began defecating inside of it like the slimy fuckstain he is.

Mario: Are you really butchering Guns and Roses lyrics Goombella?

Goombella: Mario! What the hell are you doing!?

Mario: I'm shitting.

Goombella: No duh! But do you have to do it in the warp pipe? It smells! What if someone else is going through the warp pipe and gets hit by your shit!?

Mario: Hey! I was holding it in all day! And do you know how hard it is to shit while you're traveling through a warp pipe! I've tried! I have to get in a squatting position for it to work!

Goombella: That still means you would shit on someone's-

They then got distracted with a loud obnoxious roar of a foul beast.

Hooktail (1250): RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR! IIIIMM AAAA FUUUUUUCCCKIINNGGG DRRRAAAAAGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNN! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Goombella: Whoa! What was that!?

Mario: Apparently a dragon…

The loud big red dragon with the curly tails started roaring while having an endangered koopa in the corner of it's mouth like a piece of popcorn stuck in it's teeth as it was about to devour that shit. It was seen flying towards the far away castle after a vicious slaughterings of a few villagers just for the sake of being a dragon. Apparently this dragon takes the "being a dragon" role very seriously. Its to the point where it becomes a cliche fucking sterio-type of all dragons. Move over Beowulf! Move over Lord of the Rings! We got a real badass over here!

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. The map was right from earlier. The castle's architecture is as fucked up as it was on the map. Did the creators think it was cute to make the towers face diagonally tilted!? It looks like it's gonna collapse any minute! When was this castle made anyway!?

Goombella: Whoa! That thing is huge! I never thought I would see a dragon in my life! What about you Mario?

Mario: Well of course I have. Who the hell do you think I am?

Goombella: Right. Hehe. But still! This is some classic fiction novel shit turned into film shit right there! But wait! This place looks so peaceful! Why would their be a dragon here of all places?

Mario: I don't know. I guess a dragon's gotta terrorize people.

Goombella: Yeah. Perhaps. Hey! That castle the dragon entered some how, do you think that's where the star is located?

Mario: Well no shit it is. You looked at that map right? The star was indicating that it was in that castle.

Goombella: So does that mean-

Mario: Yes. We are going to murder, or possibly even murder-fuck that dragon... for the star.

Goombella: Ah geez Mario.

Mario: Yep! Welp, in order to get there, we gotta head right to find people to talk to before we go there.

Goombella: Well can't we just walk directly to the castle from here? I mean, It doesn't look too far.

Goombella noticed as the castle may have been about a mile or 2 away.

Mario: Trust me. If you've played any RPG, you'd know these adventures only work when you start out going an entirely different direction.

Goombella: Welp, whatever you say. You're the expert of adventuring apparently...

Goombella began to notice 2 large stones with 1 containing a hole resembling the shape of the sun, and the other the moon.

Goombella: Say!? I wonder, what are these 2 runic stones for? They seem to have craters matching a sun on 1, and the moon on the other inside of them. I wonder what it means. When was it made too. What do they do? And why!?

Mario: Goombella! Cut the archeology crap! We gotta go before you explore another rock that I end up throwing at you!

Goombella: You're an asshole!

In the middle of their walk to Petalburg, they ran into a 1950's greaser themed gang of 1 Koopa, 1 Paratroopa, and 1 Goomba. The fact that you need a fucking description of what a Goomba and or Koopa looks like baffles me. Like, How did you find this Mario fan parody in the darkest depths of the internet and still not know what the fuck these 2 characters look like? Do you need a description on what Mario looks like too!? Jesus fuck! Well, the only difference with the Koopas unlike from the 3D games is that these 1s have sunglasses that look similar to the kind from 1 of the greatest animes ever; Gurren Lagann. Still don't know what that is? Look it up! You'll be pleased Wow! That was ironically my longest description yet. ANYWAY, the gang is just randomly awaiting to pick a beef with anyone. Those 2 just happened to be our heroes we see before us.

Mario and Goombella headed their way around the inner species gang hoping to avoid the gang's bullshit. But unfortunately... for the gang.

Koopa: Ay YO! I see you folk's be walkin down these streets without no hall pass!

Paragoomba: Yeah! There's a toll in this hallway you nits!

Mario: Do I look like I care? We don't need anymore of this tollway garbage.

Paratroopa: Jimminy Crickets! A "toll" is a figure of speech. A metaphor if you will. No. We're actually gonna kick your keisters up and down town yuh chumps.

The 2 Koopas began to punch their own grips as they were implying violence in the most cliche manner thinkable.

Mario: Do you hear the way you guys are talking? Goombella. Can you please tell them what year this is!

Goombella: Its 2004.

Mario: Yeah! Hear that! 2000 and fucking 4 bitches!

Mario followed that snappy comeback with flipping the gang off with his crappy Italian middle finger.

Paragoomba: Aiy! We don't tolerate that kind of language! Especially not in front of that lovely broad next to you!

Goombella: God. You know, I was hoping that I would never be called that in my life. And you single handedly ruined that opportunity.

Mario: Look, now normally i'm the 1 who starts the fights, but since you guys are eagerly going at me, I'm just gonna have to whoop your asses even harder just because!

Koopa: Oh you 2 are gonna regret gettin' in such a doozy you hear!?

[BATTLE MODE]

Mario: Power Level 30

Goombella: Power Level 18

FP: 5/5

V.S.

Koopa: Power Level 12

Paratroopa: Power Level 12

Paragoomba: Power Level 3

Mario uses Jump on Koopa: [1 Damage]

Koopa is paralyzed on his turtle back. The folly of Koopa Kind if you will.

Goombella uses tattle on the Koopa: Do you really want me to explain what a Koopa does? Hes got a power level of 12. You can take him out in about 2 or 3 moves.

Koopa is too paralyzed on his back to move his ass. And that is why we skipped his turn.

Paratroopa: Imma gonna put the screws on these punks!

Paratroopa air tackles Mario which got Paratroopa counter fist punched: [-1 Damage]

Paratroopa: You're gonna pay for that!

Mario: Bravo! Quote of the year everyone!

Paratroopa: Aaaaahhh SHUT UP!

Paragoomba uses air attack on Goombella: [1 Damage]

Mario uses Jump. Only on Paragoomba so it would kill him by smashing his brains with his foot. [2 damage]

Mario: Check it out! Im gonna say a quote that 1 of you would probably say. Get ready for this! "1 down, 2 to go!"

Goombella uses tattle on Paratroopa: Same power level Koopa. And same stats. But with wings! Is that informal enough?

Mario: Yes.

Koopa gets back up.

Parakoopa uses another air strike. But on Mario!: [1 Damage]

Mario uses his Power Smash badge to brutally murder Koopa! FUN!: [3 Damage]

Goombella uses double jump attack on Paratroopa: [0 Damage] Sucks when that happens doesn't it.

Goombella: Oh right. it takes 1 jump to knock off its wings, and 1 to knock it on its back. Well thats annoying!

Paratroopa is paralyzed

Mario uses another power smash badge attack thus murdering it similar to the Koopa. He's using a heavy metal spiked hammer for fuck sakes. Yeah thats gonna hurt a fuck ton!: [4 Damage]

[END OF BATTLE]

Mario gained 1 Pow Block from their demise

Mario: Well that was embarrassing...

Goombella: Yeah! They died like, way quicker than I anticipated.

Mario: No. I mean the fact that they got a few hits on us. I mean. What the fuck!? They sucked dick at fighting like they probably do at everything else. I didn't even feel the need to tell them what they look like they sucked so hard!

Goombella: I'd say it was still a fun fight. At least I got to update my tattle log!

Mario: Good for you... Lets just keep going this direction and hope something good happens.

Chapture 2 - 2: Turtles are Socially Awkward

[Petalburg]

After a couple hours of blindly walking east through the petal meadows, they finally made it to a village. Given to 2 - 1's title, the town is known as Petalburg. A small peaceful green village isolated from most of society mostly inhabited by jewish koopas/ turtles. They accept a variety of different villagers such as toads, and shit that I can't remember the name of. Oh! And shit I don't think even has a confirmed name!

As Mario and Goombella entered the village, the regular looking Koopa named Koopari (Age 31) greeted them into the village with a seemingly warm welcome.

Koopari: Shalom! Hehe. What can I do for you 2 for you fine travelers?

Mario: Shalom? The hell does that mean...?

Goombella: Its hebrew for hello, peace, and goodbye.

Mario: Hebrew? Alright... what ever. What is this place exactly?

Koopari: Hmm? Where are you, you say?

Mario: Yes... I just asked that. Don't be a retard.

Goombella: Mario. Cut the crap. These guys actually seem nice this time.

Koopari: Oh... Well this is Petalburg sir! Sorry about that, We don't often find ourselves acquainted with many travelers. Alot of people try to avoid this area on account that we have a terrifying red dragon named Hooktail living near by. Sometimes that darn ol' dragon comes here for food, or just to reek havok for fun.

Goombella: Wait... a red dragon? Mario! We saw 1 just like that when we got here! Wait... so its name is "Hooktail?" Haha! Ooooooo. Sounds really terrifying to me!

Mario: Ha! Yeah. Hooktail? Sounds more like "Hookertail" if you ask me!

Goombella: Yeah! I bet that thing whores itself out for 2 coins when it comes to their village!

Mario: Yeah! I'd sure pay those 2 coins for a dragon blowjob! That would be something to brag about alright!

Koopari: Guys guys! Come on! Thats pretty offensive! You know that thing is the single biggest tragedy to happen to our town right? It murdered like, 2/3rds of our village! Come on!

Goombella began to feel like shit for making a possible holocaust joke about them.

Goombella: Oh shit! Im so sorry about that…

Mario: Heh I'm not. That things a fucking hookertail.

Goombella: Ehhh... So anyway, out of curiousity, are yoou familiar with these things known as the 7 dedly stars? They're the whole reason why we're on this adventure in the first place.

Koopari: Hmmm... the 7 dedly stars? Well golly! That sounds kind of spooky if you ask me. You might want to go speak to our mayor! Why he knows all kind of stuff! He's old as shit! He's lived to see all kinds of crazy hootenanny! He lives in a pink house. If you keep heading along the path, you'll find it. By the way, don't judge him for living in a pink house. He only had it painted to keep everyone aware of breast cancer and just don't bring it up cause its a royally touchy subject to him that he won't stop talking about.

Goombella: Huh. I thought villages don't have mayors.

Mario: Dont over think this story.

Koopari: Welp, is there anything else you folks need?

Goombella: No. We're good. Thank you!

Koopari: Alright then. Welcome to Petalburg!

Mario and Goombella headed off to look for the pink house. Wait a minute, Goombella walked back to Koopari about 1 more thing.

Goombella: Oh hey! Again, sorry about offending you earlier sir. You see, I come from a liberal arts college, and usually we're very sensitive about those kinds of things. So again, please don't hate us or anythin-

Mario: Goombella!

Goombella: Yes. Sorry. COMING!

While looking for the pink house, Mario suddenly got the bright idea to check other houses that weren't even pink.

Mario opened the door to 1 of the houses thinking the mayor might be in it. It turned out to be a naked toadette changing clothes.

Mario began observing her body as she was fully naked.

Mario: Oooooo... Heeeellllooo momma!

The toadette began to notice Mario and became startled in fright.

Toadette (Age 26): Hey! What are you doing!? GET OUT OF HERE PERVERT!

The toadette threw a glass vase at Mario's face: [1 damage]

Mario: Ow! You bitch!

Goombella: Mario! What are you doing!?

Goombella pulled Mario out of the toadette's house.

Mario: Yeah. That wasn't the house was it...

Goombella: Are you colorblind!? He said it was "Pink!" "PINK!" Not "Yellow!" "PINK!"

Mario: You know, in a way, I kind of knew that... I was just kind of hoping there would be a girl changing..

Goombella: Well thats just- ... Whatever, lets keep looking.

Goombella and Mario continued to look for the house when they suddenly stumbled upon a blue dog like character with a purple disco styled jewfro along with more disco styled attire along with sunglasses, and an Elvis Presley jump suit.

The retarded disco dog thing began to interrupt Mario and Goombella's adventure briefly to harass Goombella while speaking in poor google translated French.

This is the part where pull up a tab on Google Translate.

Dupree (Age 44): Ah, bonjour, mademoiselle. Edt est une belle journée, pas?

Goombella: Wait. Are you talking to me?

Mario: You know French too!?

Goombella: Yeah! I Actually learned some in high school as a college requirement.

Mario: *sigh* Again with the college shit huh?

Dupree: Non, non, non, non, non. Pas vous, Monsieur Moustache. Je me adresse à zee charmant petit chou derrière vous.

Goombella: Im... sorry. Did you just call me a "lovely little cabbage?" Eww... Thats a new 1.

Dupree: Que Dites-vous, ma jolie? Abandonner ce lourdaud et repartir avec moi! Je vous ai promis beaucoup de sexe que je voudrais à ta chatte Tour Eiffel.

Goombella: Did you just say you were going to "Eiffel Tower" me!? What the hell does that even mean anyway!?

Mario began to chuckle due to her not knowing what it means.

Goombella: Whatever it is, it sound sick! Get away from me you disgusting... French pervert! Now I hate using derogatory language but you really do ask for it!

Mario: Hey! Now you're getting it!

Dupree: Oh! Oh! Oh! Sacre bleu! Cette honnêteté brutale! Une telle langue acérée!

Goombella: ... Okay. Fuck this guy! Lets keep moving already!

Goombella and Mario walked away ignoring the french speaking retard and his demands.

Dupree: Si vous changez d'avis, cheri, venez me trouver!

Despite them being off screen, Mario impulsively threw a rock at his eye knocking him out for the remainder of the chapture.

As they were continuing to search for the pink house (that they already passed cause they're morons), a young female Koopa wearing pink with a strawberry blonde ponytail identical to Goombella's hair saw them. This might create some conflict. She took off her headset after a passionate 3 hour Taylor Swift session.

Koopie Koo (Age 19): Oh hi there! You 2 must be the new tourists I've been hearing about! My name is Koopie Koo! The prettiest girl in this village.

Mario: Uhh... Hey.

Koopie Koo began to direct her attention towards Goombella.

Koopie Koo: And look at you over there! I see you like my style cause, you know, you have my make up and hair style!

Goombella: Well aren't you concieded! Come on Mario! The bitch obviously can't seem to find an original style of her own!

Koopie Koo: Hey wait a second, I recognize that hat and overall get up anywhere! And that mustache! O.M.G.! YOUR FREKIN' MARIO! LIEK! I LOVED PLAYING YOUR GAMES! THOSE GAMES WERE MAH SHIT GROWING UP!

Mario: Hey Goombella. I feel like this girl is looking for a good ol' fashion dickin' from me. Should I... you know... tap that?

Goombella rolls her eyes out of passive aggressive jealousy. This is then succeeded by her speaking in sarcasm.

Goombella: Gee. I dont know. This style stealing skank is trying to copy me any way she can.

Mario: Does that mean you're a skank too?

Goombella: NO!

Koopie Koo: LOL! I have a boyfriend. But thanks for the compliments. Especially from a real man like you. So wait... if you're here, does that mean you're going to get rid of the dragon!? Thats AWESOME! Cause I've been really scared that 1 of these days, that it's gonna go after ME next!

Goombella: Well we can sure hope so!

I don't think Goombella likes girls that remind her too much of herself. She can be a little complicated.

Mario: Yeah. We're gonna murder-fuck the shit out that dragon!

Koopie Koo: Well thats amazing! WOW! you're so brave! It's kinda sexy... I wish my boyfriend Koops were half as brave as you. He is the biggest fucking bitch in the village. I'm only with him cause I feel sorry for him. You know, when we have sex, he can only last for 30 seconds on average. Then afterwards he hides in his shell and starts weeping and crying for 40 minutes. He keeps saying, "Oh thank you thank you! You're the best gf in the world!" Its such a turn off. I can't even use a viberator im so turned off. So usually I just tell him that i'm having vaginal pains when I'm actually not. Oh shit! Was that liek, T.M.I?

Goombella: Yes. You are a terrible person and I hope you get rabies and someone has to beat you to deth with a blunt object.

Koopie Koo: Woooooow! Really? Fuck you too girlfriend!

Mario: Damn! This cat fight is getting fierce. Welp. We should go look for the Mayor. We keep getting side tracked apparently.

Goombella: Yeah. Lets go before I kill a bitch.

Koopie Koo: Bye Mario!

Goombella: Yeah, shut up whore!

Mario yet again found the wrong house as he is now about to enter Koops' house knowing that it's the color orange.

Goombella: Wait Mario! That's the wrong house again!

Mario: I know! I just like breaking into people's houses here!

Goombella: But you just complained about getting side tracked... ah forget it.

Mario and Goombella entered Koops' house still knowing it was the wrong house.

Goombella: God! What a bitch! I hate her!

Mario: Ehh... Don't you think you're over reacting a little?

They began walking upstairs.

Goombella: Mario! I'm not! You don't get it when someone steals your style.

Mario: Trust me. People do it all the time. I'm fucking Mario! Besides, who gives a shit is what I say.

They then walked down the hallway about to open the door to Koops' room.

Goombella: I don't know. I guess you're just more used to it I guess…

Mario opened the door rudely without any means of knocking. And get this. Guess who they walked in on? A koopa wearing a crusty light blue hoodie with a lazy eye and bandage on his nose named Koops (Age 18). Guess what he was doing? No! Not masterbating. He was trying to suck his own dick! He was laying on his shell struggling to get his dick in his mouth. His plan failed as he immediately got startled and turned of by Mario's sudden presence.

Mario and Goombella: AAAHH!

Koops: AHH! HOLY SHIT!

Mario and Goombella on impulse slammed the door shut.

Mario: That is 1 out of 6 things I wish I could unsee.

Goombella: Oh my God! Was he just?

Mario: Yeah... He was trying to suck his own cock.

Goombella: I'm gonna be sick. We should go...

Koops opened the door reeking of sweat and generic teen oder and apologized to them for what they just saw..

Koops: Hey! Hehe. I'm so sorry you guys had to see that. I hope none of you think anything of it. Uhh... Are you the new villagers I've been hearing about?

Mario: Yes. And how come these words about new villagers keep getting to everyone so quickly?

Goombella: Were here to fight that dragon that you all keep raving about!

Koops: Uhh... Seriously? That thing is a freakin' behemoth! How are you gonna do that?

Mario: Well you see, i'm gonna wield my mighty foot of steel! And shove it up it's ass and rename it "Bitchtail!"

Koops: Oh... well good luck then. I don't know if you 2 can beat it, but best of luck I guess...

Mario: Well I wasn't really asking for your thoughts so screw you.

Koops began to face down due to his social awkwardness.

Goombella: We should get going.

Mario: Yes. Let's actually find the Mayor this time!

Mario and Goombella headed out leaving Koops in his room. Little did they know, he continued to attempt to suck his own dick in his room. Eventually like always, HE FAILED!

At what felt like long last, they finally reached a level of competence to find the Mayor's house. He is an old green skinned Koopa with a cain. Despite Koopa's being based off of turtles which are part of the reptile family, this 1 has grown a beard and bushy eyebrows big enough to block the hell out of his eyes possibly altering his vision.

As usual, Mario rudely opens the door without any regards for knocking or finding a doorbell to ring.

Mayor Kroop (Age 341): Oy! robbers! ROBBERS! Welp murder me if you'd like. I'm well past my prime anyway. Take what you will. I don't even care anymore. Heck, you can take the whole jibblin' town for all I care! Everyone here is going to be eaten by the dragon anyway. Who are you again?

Mario: You're the mayor right? How are you the 1 person who doesn't know who we are in the village?

Mayor Kroop: So wait. You 2 aren't thieves you say? Oh. Well why didn't you knick knacks just knock on the door?

Mario: Yeah... Thats not really our style.

Mayor Kroop: Well in that case, then what is your story young travelers?

Goombella: Hello. We are here in search for the 7 dedly stars. Do you happen to know of such things sir?

Mayor Kroop: Well, why didn't you say so before, you both almost gave me a heart attack you ijits! So you 2 are hunting for the 7 dedly stars you say? Ermmmmm...Wait... I think know what you whipper-snappers are talking about!

Later after it took 13 minutes for the almost ancient Koopa to figure out what the hell he was thinking about.

Mayor Kroop: Aha! I Remember now! That dang ol' Hooktail! That dragons got exactly what you're looking for! It is an enormous, dragon that has been terrorizing our village for many many centuries. Our village used to be a lot bigger! In fact, there were many villages surrounding us in the petal meadows. Yep. That thing has really been the damnation of our race in this region. So you know Hooktail?

Goombella: Of course we do! We saw it flying towards its castle when we came here!

Mario: Yeah! And now that we know for sure it has the star, we're gonna go there and murder-fuck it!

Goombella: Mario, can you stop saying "murder-fuck?" Its getting old. Uhh... No offense mayor by using the word "old". Cause, I understand you situation... with being old... and stuff.

Mario began to facepalm himself.

Mario: Goombella... shut the hell up.

Mayor Kroop: Taking on Hooktail you say? Why you both must be absolutely koo koo! ... Or a couple of genius heroes!

Mayor Kroop: Well I suppose you 2 can attempt to give the dragon a good ol' wacken! If you think the 2 of you can beat that fiend, both of you will go down in our history as the dragon slayers! You will be showered with gratitude, rewards, and our finest hebrew female Koopas to your hearts content…..

Mayor Kroop randomly fell asleep standing up in mid dialog.

Mario: HEY! WAKE YOUR OLD ASS UP!

Mario took his hammer and smashed a random frame of the Mayor with his ded grandson before he got eaten by Hooktail.

Mayor Kroop: Whoa! What? Where am I!? Am I ded?

Goombella: Uhh. Well we're glad to have your support! We'll do it regardless of a reward or not!

Mayor Kroop: Huh? So, does that mean that you 2 wish for no reward?

Mario: Well we didn't say that! hehe. How much "reward" are we talkin here?

Mayor Kroop: Well sounds to me like we have a couple of noble warriors, indeed... You folk are good eggs not wanting any reward in return!

Mario: Oh God damnit Goombella!

Mayor Kroop: Now... What did you say your name was, again?

Mario: Uhh... The names Mario.

Goombella: And I'm Goombella.

Mayor Kroop: Oh! So you 2 are those young teen idols those damn kids skating on the sidewalks talk about huh... So you sir are uhhh... ah yes! Mario Lopez! And you miss... your... Oh! Of course! You must be Bella from that darn ol' movie Twilight! *Sigh* if only we can get some real heroes...

Goombella: Hey Mario? Should we correct him?

Mario: Nah. Its funnier this way.

Mayor Kroop: Alright, so listen up. Since you both seem to be heading towards Hooktail's castle? There's a shortcut to get there!

Mario: There always is.

Mayor Kroop: Hey! Don't interrupt me! Do I interrupt you!? No? Now again, listen up! There is a secret warp pipe near this village. I forget where it is located, but I know you 2 need to find some doohickeys in order to finds that sneaky pipe there! There are 2 stone keys that are used to activate that very pipe. Just keep heading east, and eventually, you both will find them both somewhere in Shhwonk Fortress.

Goombella: Hmm... Shhwonk Fortress huh? That name sounds like something from your Super Mario 64 game Mario!

Mario: I think.. the name is just a spin off of what you're thinking of.

Goombella: I guess.

Mayor Kroop: Well then, Mr. Lopez... You must get going now and do away with that darn ol' Hooktail beast! I'll go have the gatekeeper open the east gate for you.

Mario: Why the hell do you 2 need a gatekeeper in the first place? You people have a giant dragon to worry about.

Goombella: Excellent! Well thank you for your information! It's been oh so helpful!

Mayor Kroop: Yes. Hey are any of you interested in donating a few coins to Petalburg's breast cancer fund?

Mario: Uhh... gee... No thanks. We gotta go.

Mayor Kroop: Oh. Well you see, breast cancer is 1 of the leading causes of...

Mario and Goombella left and slammed the door of Kroop's house as he continued to mindlessly speak of breast cancer awareness. Despite the fact that they have already left, he continuously bantered from there on out. Blame the eye brows.

Mario: That was close.

Goombella: Yeah... I kind of feel bad for leaving like that, but getting into breast cancer seems a little depressing for this adventure.

Mario: Yeah. It might kill the flow of this parody...

Goombella: Yeah. Besides, I guess we can research it whenever really.

Mario: Yeah pretty much. Shit! Now I gotta distract myself from that shit! Lets go to the item shop every town level seems to have before we get out of here.

Mario and Goombella went to the Niff T.'s Narcotics for a bag of fireweed, a POW block, a shroom, and some honey flavored vadgelly syrup.

[Inventory : 4 Shrooms, 3 Fire Weed, 2 POW Blocks, & 1 jar of honey flavored vadgelly syrup]

Soon after their purchases, Mario and Goombella head towards the east gate where they will embark on a tedious adventure inside another more interesting adventure about to happen.

Mario: You know Goombella, im surprised there are so many stores where you can buy drugs in this region.

Goombella: Yeah. Especially in this village. The whole town seems a bit conservative if you ask me.

Mario: I don't think being conservative has anything to do with it.

Goombella: I guess this whole region has an overall cultural acceptance towards drug use.

Mario: Hell yeah it does! I guess these areas are starting to grow on me then!

Their walk had reached another milestone as they made it the east gate guarded by Koopeter (Age 22)

Mario: Hey there. So apparently, we received an approval from the mayor that we can pass sooo...

Koopeter: Ah yes. You 2 are the famous visitors about to save us from that dragon I've already heard so much about!

Goombella: Yes! Thats us. So I have to ask, why do you only use a long branch as a gate? It just looks really ineffective to be honest. Like. Can't people just walk over it?

Koopeter: Well you see, creatures made of stone live there. At least, I think they do. I mean, I've never seen any before and personally think it's all bullshit. But hey. What ever it takes to receive a minimum wage income right? Basically, this gate is designed to keep those things out of the village.

Mario: Uhh... yeah... See, now I see even more retarded flaws in that. The "creatures made of stone" can simply just break through a wooden branch gate thing without a problem. They'll probably kill you. Then, they'll probably overpower the rest of the village depending on how many come at you people.

Koopeter: Well... if you see any, just be careful okay. I warned you!

Mario: Yeah yeah. Don't be a tight ass.

Koops attempted to sprint towards them even though he can't run for shit cause he sits in his room all day.

Koops: HEY! Excuse me! I... can I uh… like… talk to you! PLEASE!

Mario: Oh hey! Your that Koopa that can't suck his own dick! Whats up!?

Koops: Uhh... Yeah... I came to apologize about that again before you go. Again, sorry you saw that... I was really panicking. It really was like uhh... the worst first impression I've ever made in my life ever!

Goombella: Uhh... okay...

Koops: Welp, see ya!

Koops: OH WAIT! 1 more thing!

Koops: Im... uhh.. my name is... kind of like... Koops! And I heard you were like, heading to Hooktail's castle or something right?

Mario: Yeah "kind of like Koops." We talked about that remember?

Koops: Yeah... sorry... and about that, I have a huge favor to ask...

Mario: Yes? Go on...

Koops:...

An hour later of Koops attempting at self advocate...

Koops:...

Koops: Well... Ummmm... Oh, just... Just ... AH Nevermind! Never mind! Fuck it! Ignore me! I never came here to talk to you! I don't exist! I'm not here right now! Good bye! Good bye forever!

Goombella: Ooooookaaaayyy... wow... He's gotta be the most uncomfortably awkward person I've ever met in my life! Like seriously! Hes got Major issues! Right Mario!? What do you think THAT was all about?

Mario: Ugh... Yeah really... Why do I have the feeling that he's gonna join our adventure?

Goombella: Jeez. Don't put that image in my head. He seems like the kind of person who would try and molest me in our sleep.

Koopeter: Hey! So are you 2 going through the gate or not!?

Mario: Hey! Fuck you and your attitude bitch!

Koopeter: Well, you know, if you're gonna talk like that, then I don't have to let you through the gate do I!?

Mario: Oh! Well you know what then? I'm just gonna walk over the branch you call a gate!

Mario walked over the branch gate.

Mario: Oh! What now!? You see that!? Your fence is my bitch! HAHA! Come on Goombella! Let's let his authoritative ass weep in his own shame and filth.

Goombella: *sigh* I'm actually starting to get used to this bullshit.,,

Goombella hopped over the branch gate on Mario's side.

Koopeter: Just so you know, don't bother coming back here cause you both are officially banned from Petalburg!

Mario: Yeah whatever! Good luck with that bitch!

Koopeter: Get out of here WOP!

Mario: Oh yeah? Well fuck you kike!

Goombella: Both of you stop with that shit and lets go!

Mario: Oh come on! That time it was called for!

Chapture 2 - 3: Level 2: Whomp's... I meant Shhwonk's Fortress!

[Path to Shhwonk's Fortress]

Mario and Goombella continued to walk east anticipating some results of stones. Keep in mind people that this part in the game itself was probably 1 of my least favorite/ unnecessary dragged out parts.

Mario: *snickering*

Goombella: What's so funny Mario?

Mario: Ah nothing. I was just remembering the name "Hookertail." *snickers some more* "Hookertail"...

Goombella: Yeah. Hehe! It was kind of funny. Who the hell even named him or her that anyway? I mean, Hooktail alone is ridiculous. But still.

Mario: I'm pretty sure its a "he." But who knows. Its just funny cause the dragon is like this retarded half dragon, half hooker thing. It just sounds really stupid if you ask me.

Goombella: Yeah! hehe. "Hookertail"

The 2 heroes made it into the grey fortress which happened to be already gated shut from the door across..

Mario: AH FUCKSHIT!

Goombella: Of course! The door is locked from the inside... welp, usually in the movies, there's a way out of this.

Mario: Yeah. Usually in my life, there is a way out of this. Fuck it. I'm gonna go to sleep, and hope that this whole adventure has been just some retarded dream and I wake up on a mountain full of Arminian hookers. Welp, nighty night!

Goombella: Wait! Check those out!

Goombella began to notice 2 bold rock goblins. Their entire anatomy consisted of a head with dark eyes, a large jaw like mouth, and feet attached to it. 2 of them were standing on pillars for each 1 of them. They looked passable to be displayed on TLC.

Mario: Well I guess as usual, the only sensible thing to do is to "hulk smash" them! Only with a HAMMER!

As Mario slammed 1 of the pillars with a hammer, both of them got out of their statue like positions to attack the duo in combat.

[BATTLE MODE]

Mario: Power Level 28/30 (from the toadette incident if you remember)

Goombella: Power Level 18

FP: 5/5

V.S.

Bald Cleft: Power Level 6

Mario: So these are the "mythical stone creatures" we were hearing about huh? Dude, they look fucking puny! The funniest part about it is that these 2 alone CAN probably destroy their whole village.

Goombella: Mario! We gotta focus. Come on!

Mario: Shut up we got this!

Mario uses hammer: This move is ineffective due to their high defense.

Mario: Shit! The hammer usually works! Welp, I'm out!

Goombella: Wait! Stop being lazy! You know they're always a way of out of this shit!

Mario: Fine...

Goombella uses tattle: These are Bald Clefts. Basically, If you have eyes, you can tell easily that they're "rock monsters." Basically, don't use fire attack. And though its power level is 6, it has some pretty high up defense. So try figuring out a way to knock it on its head.

Mario: So its a fucking koopa basicly?

Goombella: Well... kind of. Yes.

Bald Cleft uses charge on Mario: [1 Damage]

Other Bald Cleft uses charge on Mario: Mario counters it [-1 Damage] Good thing countering breaks through defense.

Mario uses power smash smashing 1 of the clefts into about 10 smaller pieces: [2 Damage]

Goombella uses wink appeal knowing she can't use any useful moves that aren't using the POW block.

Bald Cleft uses charge on Mario: [1 Damage]

Mario finishes it off with another power smash: [2 Damage]

[END OF BATTLE]

The gate opened as a result of the living stone creatures' demise.

Goombella: We did it! You know, bald guys really do gross me out.

Mario: Wait... Isn't your Professor Frankly bald?

Goombella: Yeah?

Mario: And didn't you suck his dick while wearing a clown suit?

Goombella: ... I fucking hate you.

As they continued their path, they just realized that the stones keys were not at the fortress.

Goombella: Wait a minute. Mario? Weren't there supposed to be stone key things inside that last fortress?

Mario: Ah shit! I don't think they were here.

Goombella: Should we head back then?

Mario: Yeah. Sure.

Goombella: Wait a minute! I see another fortress up ahead! Maybe that 1 has it!

Mario: You gotta be shitting me. The asshole mayor said it was in "Shhwonk's Fortress" not "Shhwonk's Fortresses" that son of a bitch had to take out the plural bullshit. *sigh* fine. Remind me to kick his ass when we get back there.

Goombella: But we got banned remember?

Mario: ... no were not.

The strange duo continued to walk and soon enough, they made it to the next fortress. It was identical to the first 1. Only greyish purple. Thats weird. Fortresses aren't purple! Maybe it's the SOUL FORTRESS! ... I hate myself.

Goombella began observing the stone creatures. Instead of them being bald clefts like last time, these creatures are purple spiky sun shaped stone things with big ass sharp teeth. They have holes for eyes and consisted of only a head with not even feet this time.

Goombella: Oh damn! So I guess these 2 look alot more dangerous than the last 1s...

Mario: They look like a bunch of pussies!

Goombella: Well... The doors lock in this fortress too. So you know what that means...

Mario: Right. On it!

Like last time, Mario slamed 1 of the pillars with his hammer resulting in the spiky stone things attacking them.

[ANOTHER BATTLE MODE]

Mario: Power Level 24/30

Goombella: Power Level 18

FP: 1/5

v.s.

Bristle: Power Level 9

Mario uses hammer smash: The Bristle uses its spines to extend and jab Mario. [-1 Damage]

Mario: Ow you bitch!

Goombella: Maybe next time, try waiting for me to tattle.

Mario: Your tattles mean nothing to me!

Goombella: Oh bite my ass!

Mario: Hmm?

Goombella uses tattle: These things are called Bristles. They have a power level of 9. Same as the last 1s, they're made of rock, they have a high defense, don't use fire. Use a POW Block...

Bristle uses spiny spiky attack of deth on Mario: [1 Damage]

Mario: That doesn't hurt as bad as it should...

Other Bristle uses spiny spiky attack of deth on Mario: [1 Damage]

Mario: Fuck! These things are way too hard for me to counter!

Mario: Fuck it. I'm using 1 of these things!

Mario uses POW Block. This fortunately enough causes a mild earthquake that destroys the entire fortress along with both Bristles: [2 Damage]

[ANOTHER END OF BATTLE]

Mario and Goombella rose up unharmed from the rubble.

Mario: Yeah... Maybe I shouldn't have done that...

Goombella: No. No you shouldn't have. These fortresses are old and have a fragile structure you know. Oh well. At least it looks like you killed those things.

Mario: Yeah. I wonder how these POW Blocks even work scientifically. Like, how the hell do you make those things.

Goombella: Yeah. I can't figure out what the science is to them. Like, how the hell does a floating block cause such a brief earthquake anyway? Who even makes them and how?

Mario: You know, that's a very good question. We should keep going though.

Goombella: Yeah. You know, it just occured to me that this whole time we could have easily just walked around these fortresses.

Mario: Yeah. That would have been a lot smarter too.

[Shhwonk's Fortress!]

After the 2 heroes went through the dumb misleading fortresses, they finally found the ACTUAL fortress. Congrates! You survived half of the tedious filler!

Mario: Okay. So this fortress looks legit this time.

Goombella: Yeah! Look at it! Its huge!

Mario: Yeah. If this isn't the fortress with the stones, I will personally Nuke the entire Petal Meadows with everyone on it. I won't even give 2 shits if the dedly star survives.

Mario and Goombella entered the real Shhwonk's Fortress. This time, there was 1 rock head thing on a pillar. Were talking about a big ass Thwomp shaped thing facing them while entering the door. Need a description? Look up "Thwomp!"

Mario: Fuck. We gotta fight another 1 of these things. Well, at least there's only 1 this time.

Mario attempts to smash it with his hammer.

Mario: Fuck! Its not working!

As Mario continues to hopelessly slam it, he begins to curse at it.

Mario: COME ON! BITCH ASS! DIP SHIT! FIGHT ME YOU STUPID FUCK!

Thwomp (Age 1039): WHO ARE YOU CALLING A STUPID FUCK!?

Goombella: Holy shit! It talks!

Thwomp: MMMMMHMMMMMHOHOHOHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHHEFHFHESFHSDFHSGHSDFHSEHFHFSHDSEH!

Thwomp: Looks like you 2 are my first contestants in centuries I must say. You 2 must be searching for the stone keys! If you want them, you must play my game!

Mario: Is this shit stain serious?

Thwomp: SILENCE! If you win, you shall pass! However, if you lose, not only shall you NOT pass! You will suffer a fate worse than leprosy!

Thwomp: So, would you like to challenge me in my game!?

Mario: Fuck it. Why not?

Goombella: Mario! This guy seems pretty serious.

Mario: Relax. Were trying to get the dedly star right?

Goombella: Yeah, but we could have walked to the castle directly and could have been there awhile ago.!

Mario: Ehh... We'll be fine.

Thwomp: Ahaha! A daring choice indeed... LET US PLAY!

the entire room changed from having the texture of ancient stone walls to a modern day game show esc background. Lights were flashing everywhere, and many audience members were in the background. Odd enough as it is since there was no advertisements for this game show. Especially with this event occurring with no notifications from TicketMaster. It just doesn't make any fucking sense how there would be a fucking audience in the first place. THIS PARODY IS STARTING TO LOSE ITS GRIPS ON REALITY AHAAAAHAHHHHHHHH! Fuck it! I quit!

Not really.

So anyway, a majical game show booth suddenly appeared in front of Mario and Goombella along with a microphone appearing in front of the Thwomp.

Any Game Show music you can imagine starts to blast

Mario and Goombella: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?

Mario: I DON'T REMEMBER TAKING NO ACID!

Thwomp: Hello ladies and germs and bald headed sperms! Sit down those rears and perk up your ears! Welcome, everybody, to the 65.276th Super Duper Amazing Wacky Holocaust Funtime QuizQuake!

Goombella: Mario! I'm scared!

Mario: Yeah no duh.

Thwomp: The rules of the game are that if you answer 5 of the 7 questions correctly, you win! Get 3 of 'em wrong, and you will entertain the audience by dying from the dedly disease worse than leprosy! Shall we begin!

Mario: Can't we sue him for this!?

Thwomp: Errr! Wrong Answer!

Goombella: WHAT!?

Thwomp: AHAAA! Just kidding! Just wanted to see the look on your face! Now then! Question 1:

Okay, normally I would let Mario answer these, but I'm gonna try and be a fucking dick by theoretically having YOU phone Mario the answers.

Most of these questions are going to be based off what you've read exclusively in this parody. If you haven't read the uncut version of chapture 1, and this chapture before this scene, you might be screwed.

Try and see if you can answer all of these questions on your own without looking back at the previous points of the story.

The answers will be on the very bottom of this of this page.

Regardless of if you're right or not, this wont have any impact on you continuing the parody No manner what happens, Mario will win this quiz. I know, I just spoiled that part. This is a reading document. I do not have online quiz scripts programmed in this shit! Wanna play a shitty quiz, go on Facebook!

Thwomp: Now then, Question 1:

Why is Mario on an adventure?

A. For treasure

B. For sex with Peach

C. So he won't get executed

D. It's kind of unclear at this point

[Assuming you answered correctly]

Thwomp: RAWR! NO WAY! That is correct. Oh well. That was an easy 1. Question 2!

What was the first band referenced in this entire Parody?

A. The Doors

B. Drowning Pool

C. Judas Priest

D. Lonely Island

[Let's pretend like you got the answer wrong]

Thwomp: NO RETARD! You got it wrong! 2 More and you're ded! HAHAHAHHAHAHOOHOHOOHOHOHIHIHIHIHIH! Sorry about my laugh. K? Question 3!

Who molested "IAMMASTER" when he was 8? ... Wait... wrong question...

What was the name of the man who tried capturing Goombella in Chapture 1 - 3?

A. Lord Crump

B. Dr. Crump

C. Robotnik

D. GG Allin

[Congrats! You assumingly got it correct!]

Thwomp: No! How did you get that right!? Like, that question was so hard! No 1 ever gets that 1 right! Mrr…. Question 4!

After taking viagra, how long can an erection last before you call 911?

A. 30 Minutes

B. 3 Hours

C. 4 Hours

D. Over 4 Hours

Thwomp: What!? No 1 knows that answer either! You must watch Comedy Central of something! Question 5!

What is the name of Eraser Djinn's final form? Oh wait. Wrong game.

What was the name of the Blooper they encountered?

A. Big Bubbah

B. Big Blubbah

C. Beautiful Bert

D. Bitches... Sup Bitches... Its Chad Warden here!

[Assuming you answered it saying D]

Thwomp: HAHAHAHAHAH! Your guesses are so bad, you might as well kill yourself while you're ahead! Cause you're stupid! 1 more dumb answer like that, and you're gonna DIE! K,k,.. Question 6!

Do you like IAMMASTER?

A. Kind of.

B. She or he's a nigger!

C. Whos that?

D. I like chicken.

[I'll accept any answer as correct]

Thwomp: Wow! Correct! You people must be smarter than Stephen Hawking fucking Einstein's cryogenically reserved brain! FINAL QUESTION!

What is the name of the former lead guitarist from Metallica? I meant...

When you met Koops, what was he doing when you walked in on him?

A. Trying to suck his own dick

B. Eating Shit

C. Masterbating to Simpson's Hentai

D. Grilling a burger

[You got it correct right? Good]

Thwomp: NOOOOO! FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK! Correct! How were you able to answer 5 of the questions correctly!? I specifically designed for them to be impossible! YOU MUST HAVE CHEATED!...No. You win.

The room turns back to normal. The majical audience disappears as if they were never even real people to begin with. Were they holograms? In a fucking fortress!? Who knows. But yeah. The walls are stone again.

Mario: Ha! Suck my dick! We won bitch!

Thwomp: MMMMM... I'm so...angry... Because you flesh bags beat me, i'm now gonna explode which will reveal your warp pipe inside my piller. The pipe will lead you to the stones.

Goombella: I see... So you designed those difficult questions so you wouldn't have to die?

Thwomp: Thats right. I never thought my vanquishers would be this understanding about it. Maybe WE COULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!1

The thwomp exploded uncovering their warp pipe lead. You know guys... From a perspective, this has got to be the most terrifying concept I have added to this parody so far.

Goombella: Welp... I guess we're off to the next trial on finding these stones. But Mario, is it me, or is it weird to feel a little bad for him. I mean, he was designed to guard a path only to be destroyed...

Mario: Goombella, that thing was gonna give us leprosy. Fuck him.

Goombella: Yeah, I guess your right. At least now we know for sure that the stone keys are here.

Mario: Yeah... This warp pipe better not take fucking forever to go through like the last 1.

[Shhwonk's Fortress Sewer]

Mario and Goombella proceeded onward into the warp pipe to their next trial that took them into the middle of an ancient underground tunnel much darker than Ghettoport Sewers. Dont ask me what the science is behind their ability to see in the dark underground with no source of light. Oh wait, Goombella has a flashlight on her helmet. I forgot. So basically the tunnel's terrane was divided by a shallow stream of ancient ass water with who knows how many chemicals mutated from the liquid. As a matter of fact, the chemicals mutated so hard, that it formed these obscure living purple fuzzy ball like creatures known as "fuzzys." Note that their facial expressions are fucking ridiculous if you actually know what they look like.

Mario: Okay... Seeing as though we're still in this temple, i'm not quite sure about nuking the Petal Meadows just ye- HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT SMELL!? BLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGG!1

Guess what, Mario puked.

Goombella: WHY IS THERE SO MANY FUCKING WRETCHED SMELLING PLACES IN THIS REGION!? BLEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGG!

And so did Goombella.

Mario and Goombella began to complain about the old ass smell in the tunnel. Basically, It smells like rotting cat food that was eaten and puked out by a wild pack of hobos only for that puke to be eaten and shat out. Then they ate the shit only for it to turn into more shit and diarrhea. Then the hobos pissed and cummed all over the diarrhea mixed with a bunch of feral creatures doing the same. Then they sprinkled ass hairs full of other shit crumbs on it only for it to burn causing that aroma. Thats what it smells like. Maybe that smell should kill them.

The 2 of them managed to hold their noses for the time being.

Mario: GOD DAMN! Well luckily I stole some clothes pins from 1 of the houses in Petalburg. Lets use these.

Goombella: When did you find those!?

Mario: While you were in the bathroom in that drug store.

Mario and Goombella applied the clothes pins closing off their nasal cavities. Wait... do goombas even have noses!?

Goombella: How the fuck are you people doing all this shit while i'm in the bathroom!? Im in there for like, a minute!

Mario: More like 30...

Goombella: Uhh... Lets go this way!

Goombella pointed to the left somehow. As the 2 of them walked down the dark tunnel, they reached the far left ded end of it where they finally found 1 of the keystones. Its about FUCKING time too! Seriously. Thats what I was thinking when I played the game that this parody is based on.

Goombella: Hey look! A stone!

Mario: Wait... Why is it shaped like a fucking banana?

Goombella: That's not a banana you idiot. Its a moon!

Goombella: WAIT A SEC! I just realized something! Remember when I was examining those rocks from earlier today?

Mario: Uhh... Not really...

Goombella: *sigh* Remember when we got out of the long warp pipe ride from Ghettoport? There were these 2 stones 1 with a sun, and 1 with a moon crater. I think these stones are the keys that complete those stones! It makes perfect sense right!?

Mario: ... I don't get it.

Goombella: Mario! Just grab the fucking stone...

Mario: Grabbing things is what i'm good at!

1ce when Mario walked over and grabbed the moon shaped key stone, a freaking fuzzy popped out of the ceiling waiting possibly many life times for someone to grab the stone. This is starting to sound like Harry Potter meets Indiana Jones right here.

[BATTLE MODE]

Mario: Power Level 22/30

Goombella: Power Level 18

FP: 1/5

V.S.

Fuzzy: Power Level 5

Goombella: What the fuck are those things!?

Mario: They're these fuzzy little hemorrhoid looking things that try to suck on you! I don't mean in a good way either.

Goombella: Yeah? Well imma gonna google these things. THROUGH BOOK!

Goombella uses tattle: These are Fuzzys. They're flesh eating parasites that eat your flesh to strengthen their own. WHAT THE FUCK!? Eww. Thats is way too disturbing. Yeah so if you don't wanna get disturbing flesh wounds, you should switch to defense mode.

Mario: To hell with that! I'm pulling out mah fire weed! Imma hot boxin' this tunnel!

Mario uses fire weed on all of the fuzzys. Imagine it as they all burn alive from a gruesome deth: [3 Damage All]

Mario: That was hardly even a battle.

[END OF BATTLE]

Mario: Yeah so that was a fucking joke. So, we outta here or what?

Goombella: What might be a better answer for you. We still gotta find the sun stone shaped 1. The mayor did say stone key"s!"

Mario: ...what?

The fat human and the conceited goomba girl now traveled to the right side of the tunnel where they will easily find the sun stone for it was right in front of them! Have any of you been wondering who the fuck decided to place these stones in these places!? Oh yeah! I almost forgot. Half way there, Mario found another badge. The Multibounce 1! The 1 where you get to jump on each enemy in a row. Seriously, it's great. This move is a real fuck you to the opponents!

Goombella: Yup! Theres the Sun stoned key! See it?

Mario: You know, that kind of looks like the jewel from that Starmie Pokemon. You know what im talking about right?

Goombella: Uhh. Yeah I can see that. But that's clearly the sun stone that we've been looking for so... yeah.

Mario: You know, the fact that these are called "sun stone" and "moon stone" are also from pokemon games too. Thats kind of trippy...

Goombella: Mario, you're high right now.

Mario: Oh yeah. I forgot...

1ce when Mario grabbed the sun stone, guess what happened next?

[BATTLE MODE]

YEP!

Mario: Power Level 22/30

Goombella: Power Level 18

FP: 1/5

v.s.

Fuzzy: Power Level 5

Mario drank some honey flavored vadgelly syrup to replenish the FP back to 5.

Mario: Eww… I forgot that this shit tastes like... pussy! AWESOME!

Goombella: Err ... I'm not sure if I wanna try that now.

Mario: Its pretty... good!

Goombella: Uhhh...I need to get that thought out of my head. Do you have any more fire weed?

Mario: Uhh... Yeah. I do? You wanna smoke some!?

Goombella: Well, I wanna kill these guys, but... yeah. Watching you do it looks... kind of fun. Not gonna lie.

Mario: Well... Alright!

Mario rolled Goombella a joint full of fire weed.

Mario: So, you do know how to smoke this?

Goombella: Well... no. I've actually never smoked weed or done any drugs in general.

Mario: Alright, so what you do is...

Mario explained and showed Goombella how to smoke fire weed. Okay, so take about a few seconds to reflect on what your reading and how ridiculous this scene is. You may also notice that this is the kindest gesture you've seen from Mario so far. I think he's actually a little nicer when he's high. And yes, the fuzzys have just been standing there waiting for Goombella to make her next move this whole time.

Goombella learned how to smoke fire weed: [3 Damage All]

Oh yeah, all them fuzzys died like bitches!

[END OF BATTLE]

Goombella: THAT WAS AWESOME! THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME HOW TO SMOKE FIRE WEED!

Mario: Ah. It's no big deal.

Goombella: No really! That kicked ass! Like, that was a total rush!

Mario: Yeah... it'll happen. So we outta here or what?

Goombella: Yeah we are! Lets-a GO!

Mario: Dont... dont do that. Please. That's my thing…

Goombella: Jeez Mario. Don't kill my buzz.

Mario: I'm just saying. It sounds really off to me where I hear other people say it.

Now that the stoned heroes finally collected the 2 stones [Insert Stoner Pun Here], they were finally in the clear to head back to the Petal Meadows. Unfortunately for them, 1 more sign of trouble occurred as they were about to take the warp pipe back up. Kind of misleading, I know.

? ?: KUHBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Mario: The fuck is that!?

A golden fuzzy appeared out of no where similar as did the first 2. Or 8 did. I dont know, the overworld/ battle mode dynamic is confusing. Seriously.

Gold Fuzzy (Age 783): KUHBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Hey! What are you 2 strange folk doing here!? ! And why does this place smell like fire weed!? IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE THAT! ITS SUPPOSED SMELL LIKE KUHBLAHING FECAL CAT FOOD! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT SMELL TURNS ME ON!? Now I must do the next best thing and EAT YOUR ASSES! TO DETH!

Mario: Oh fuck. This 1 talks. They must really be hemorrhoids after all.

Goombella: Yeah. They can eat my foot when kick their teeth in!

Gold Fuzzy: SILENCCCCCCCCCCE! YOU WILL ALL DIE! KUHBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

[BATTLE MODE]

Mario: Power Level 22/30

Goombella: Power Level 18

FP: 5/5

V.S.

Golden Fuzzy: Power Level 15

Goombella uses tattle: This is called a Golden Fuzzy. Yeah, like we're totally color blind. Fortunately unlike the other fuzzys, it actually just tackles you instead of eating you. Thats good. Cause I think I can pass from having a flesh eating disease.

Mario uses power smashed face attack: [4 Damage like a mother fucker!]

Mario: Ha! Take that! You look like a glorious golden turd that got shat out by Goldilocks after she was done shaving her golden pubic hair in the toilet!

Golden Fuzzy: K THATS IT! KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Golden Fuzzy summoned 1000 fucking gross ass regular purple fuzzys

Mario: Oh shit...

Goombella: THERE'S MORE OF THEM!?

Fuzzy Army: Power level 50 apparently because that totally adds up to 1000 of them.

Fuzzy Army attacks Goombella. The mighty army of 1000 Fuzzys inflicted a mighty [5 Damage] on her. Maybe they just suck. OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!

Goombella reaches a danger status.

The Golden Fuzzy tackles Mario: [1 Damage]

Mario uses fireweed and gets even higher: [3 Damage All]

This kills 147 of the Fuzzys somehow and made the tunnel smell more like dank ass weed.

Goombella uses head ass attack on The Fuzzy Lumpkin Army: [2 Damage]

Fuzzy Army attacks Mario: [5 Damage]

The Golden Fuzzy tackles Goombella: [1 Damage]

Mario uses generic double jump smash on Golden Fuzzy: [2 Damage]

Goombella uses the amazing head helmet attack on The Golden Fuzzy smashing it to deth: [2 Damage]

As a result of this, the remaining 746 of the fuzzys all killed themselves by eating each other alive. Normally this give them all health, but since they were doing this out of suicide over the deth of their mighty golden leader, THEY ALL DIED!.

Mario also leveled up his BP. And I don't mean the oil company everyone still hates.

[END OF BATTLE]

Goombella: Is that the last of them? Cause all this shtick in this fortress path is really starting to annoy me.

Mario: I think thats it. All these obstacles can really go fuck themselves.

Goombella: Hey Mario?

Mario: What?

Goombella: Uhh... Can you help me get all of this shiny blood off my helmet?

Mario: It'll wash out when we go through the warp pipe or whatever.

Goombella: Alright good.

Mario: You know, the way they killed themselves. Yeah. That was pretty funny!

Goombella: Normally that would be offensive, but since they were flesh eating viruses, no 1 feels bad for them!

Mario: Yes. And now its time to fight a big ass dragon!

Goombella: Oh shit! I forgot about fucking Hookertail! Shit! We really have to fight that thing?

Mario: Yeah. This subventure was kind of distracting from the real mission wasn't it.

Goombella: Yeah. Fuck... Now I don't wanna do it. But we have to.

Mario: Yeah...

Chapture 2 - 4: A strange hero awaits!

[Petalburg]

Mario and Goombella at last made it out of the staggering journey to find the key stones for a short cut to Hooktail's castle. Seriously, this probably would have been alot faster at this point if they skipped the short cut and walked straight to the fucking castle by foot.

They decided to return back to Petalburg since they can't walk around the town apparently. Despite Mario being banned from the pathetic town, he didn't give a fuck. Nor will he ever. They noticed that the town was partially destroyed as Hooktail came back while they were at the fortress. The dragon decided to be a fucking dick to the koopas again by wrecking their houses, eating them, stomping on them thinking it's like Mario, burning housing, and leaving the sink running in some of their houses to be even more of a fucking dick. The town was left in total havok as a few of the unimportant koopas perished like Koopari and Koopeter.

Goombella: Oh my God! What happened!?

Mario: I think the town got destroyed.

Goombella: Gee. Really? Isn't it obvious!? Look at all of these burning wrecked houses! Hooktail must have came back here.

Mario: Yeah. Shit just got real I guess.

Mario noticed a giant dragon footprint with the flattened corpse of the gate guard they encountered before the journey.

Mario: Oh hey, and look! That guard from earlier got stomped on by that fucking dragon! HA! Guess were not banned anymore are we!

Goombella: Why are you focused on that right now?

Mario: Pfft. I don't know. Its just funny I guess.

Goombella: Should we help them out?

Mario: Yeah! Will help them out by killing the dragon so it doesn't come back! And... for the dedly star I guess.

Goombella: I don't know. I just feel like we should help them out a little first.

Mario: Look, 1st off, fuck these people, 2second, they can help themselves, and 3rd, by the time we "help them," the dragon will probably come back and fuck things up yet again! So lets go!

During their visit back in Petalburg, they made a pit stop to Niff T.'s Narcotics for 2 bag of fireweed, 2 POW blocks, and 2 jars of honey flavored vadgally syrup. Yeah, their shop is still opened despite the fact that a murderous dragon just attack their fucking village.

[Inventory : 4 Shrooms, 2 Fire Weed, 2 POW Blocks, & 2 jar of honey flavored vadgelly syrup]

Along the way back to the meadow, they ran into Koopie Koo yet again

Koopie Koo: GUYS!

Goombella: Oh fuck. She survived...

Koopie Koo: Hooktail just attacked everyone again! Its terrible! my house got destroyed! And some of us died! Its terrible! Are you guys alright!?

Mario: Yeah. We just got the stones the Mayor talked about. And were heading back to the castle to fuck its ass up.

Koopie Koo: You did!? Sweet! I'll go let the Mayor know right away! I think he actually slept through the entire attack just now. As for Koops, I don't know where he is. I haven't seen him since the dragon last showed up! Have you seen him?

Mario: I dont fucking know. You think he's ded or something?

Koopie Koo: Maybe. I mean, I was thinking about breaking up with him anyway. I'd rather just date something who is ACTUALLY brave and not just some pathetic weakass like him. I wonder why I even fell for him in the first place…

Goombella rolled her eyes some more as she was getting sick of Koopie Koo's bullshit.

Koopie Koo: Hey Mario, you think you wanna come to my place for a little and see if myy... shower is still working?

Goombella started to get jealous.

Mario: Uhh...

Goombella: Oh you are so full of shit. You just said you're house got destroyed right?

Koopie Koo: Well you see-

Goombella: Ha! You're chiche porno based rip-off seduction tricks are like, so weak. Come on Mario, we got places to be. Later bitch!

Goombella bit Mario's ass as she dragged him out of the town manually.

Mario: Why the fuck are you cock blocking me!?

Goombella: RM DRRNNIZZZKRZZRRLRRVVVYRRR! (I'm doing this cause I love you!)

Koopie Koo stayed back as we was left with utter confusion.

Koopie Koo: What's up that bitches ass!?

[Petal Meadows]

As Mario and Goombella proceeded back to the Petal Meadows, they heard a whiny voice of someone who was eagerly waiting for them to show up.

Koops: UMM!

Mario: Oh shit! You're alive! Hey! Whats up!?

Goombella: ... Is he gonna pull out a knife or something?

Koops begins to walk over to them making Goombella rather paranoid.

Koops: Umm... Uhh...

Mario: Speak up!

Koops re-attempted to advocate for himself. Unfortunately, he ended up sounding like a fucking retard as usual.

Koopa: Oh yeah... Uhh... Excuse me, I... Ummmm... See, the thing is, I've kinda been waiting here to like, hope, ... Like hope I can uhh... talk to, talk to with you.. Yeah. Talk to you... I have to ask you kind of like uhhh... ask you something, uhh... If you say no, that like, uh... cool too. And uhh... please say like, no If you wanna- kinda like, don't want to.

Mario: Get to the fucking point already! I'm about to sack stab you and ferociously bite your face off and PISS ON YOU if you don't get to the fucking point already!

Koops started to walk towards Mario even closer. He walked so close to Mario's face to the point where it was too awkward to even describe.

Goombella: MARIO LOOK OUT!

Mario: Relax, he's.. harmless.

Koops: UUUrrrrrrmmmmmmm... Well you see, I was wondering if-

Mario: Wait! Hold on, can you stand the fuck back a little? Your breath smells like you've been eating some microwavable Cheesy Garlic Bread or some shit!

Koopa: Oh yeah... Umm... like sorry and stuff...

Koops: Ummmmmm... See... I was wondering... What do you like, think about...Uhh... I WANNA JOIN YOU GUYS! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU GUYS FIGHT HOOKTAIL! PLEASE, I WILL ACTUALLY KILL MYSELF THIS TIME IF YOU DON'T LET ME TEAM UP WITH YOU! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! EVEN GAY STUFF! I DONT CARE! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE! I THINK YOU 2 ARE THE COOLLEST PEOPLE IVE EVER MET AND I NEED YOU GUYS! BADLY!

Goombella: Dude, like what the fuck. You need to calm down okay?

Koops: Right... Sorry about that. You see, 10 years ago, daddy left town for a pack of camel blue cigarettes, but daddy was really trying to be a hero. So he went off to fight Hooktail single handedly. And he never came back.

Goombella: Uhh...Okay.

Koops: I miss him, of course... I miss him like, so badly. Like, I haven't seen him since I was 8. See, if he was around, he could have beaten up all of the kids in my grade for being mean to me. Which... was like, all of them... And since he died, they just made fun of me for having a ded dad. I never even had a male role model in my life! Seriously!

Mario: ... Cool?

Koops: Not only, do I want to avenge my daddy, but I want revenge as well. I've seriously been waiting for the day where I can finally murder-fuck that dragon! I'll do it for daddy!

Mario: Well thank you for appreciating the art that is murder-fucking. Unlike some people…

Mario looks at Goombella.

Goombella: What?

Koops: I just don't wanna go back to Petalburg. I hate it there. Everyone is a fucking dick to me! They all talk shit about me for having a ded dad and an abusive mom too. Even my gf sucks! Maybe, if I joined you guys, i'll become brave. And I can finally have the courage to kick everyone's ass in this for fucken saken town!

Mario: Goombella? Why do I have the feeling that this guy is a little autistic?

Goombella: I think he has something else going on...

Koops: So please? Can I team up with you guys!? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

Mario and Goombella look at each other as they try to figure out what they should do about Koops.

They both begin to address Koops with their decision.

Goombella: Ehh...

Mario: Nope, sorry.

Koops: What!? Why? Why not!?

Goombella: It's gonna be kind of dangerous.

Mario: Plus, you don't seem like you're a good fit for us.

Goombella: And you might try and rape us.

Mario: Plus you're kind of a wuss. And I don't like your lazy eye either.

Koops: Ah geez... really? Well, I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice.

Koops began to reach into his hoodie to grab something.

Goombella: Oh God! He's gonna pull out a knife! Run!

Mario: No wait! Thats not a knife! Thats…

Koops pulled out a big ass bag a marijuana as he plans to smoke with them as a peace offering.

Koops: I got some bud. If you guys want, I can smoke you both down if you let me join?

Mario and Goombella looked at each other again as they reevaluated their decision about Koops joining.

Mario: Okay. You can join us. But if shit starts to get real, we're using you as our human shield.

Koops: NO WAY SERIOUSLY!? OH YES! YES! YES THANK YOU SO MUCH! THIS IS FINALLY GONNA BE MY BIG BREAK IN LIFE! I promise you won't regret this.

Mario: We better not.

[INITIATION MODE]

Koops' abilities are extremely self loathing. Basically, when Mario jumps on him while in his shell, he can pretend like he's a combination of a bowling ball and a boomerang. Apparently, he's fascinated with the sensation of being abused. I guess that's what he's used to dealing with.

Mario demonstrates this on a large rock.

Koops: Oww! Hey!

Mario: Heh. Nice.

Mario: Wait, thats what he can do? Awesome!

He can also hold down his ability to come right back at a given point.

[END OF INITIATION MODE]

Koops: Sweet! Im on your guyses team now! This is gonna be so awesome!

Koopie Koo walked towards the recently established party. She was not happy.

Koopie Koo: Koops! Did you just join Mario's party!? Without me!

Goombella: Oh great... It's your bitch girlfriend Koops.

Koops: Oh... .uhh... Hey Koopie Koo... Oh golly, ummm... uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh... Hi... Uhhh.. Which part of that did you overhear?

Koopie Koo: ...

Koops: Uhh...

Koopie Koo: ... ALL OF IT! You know what? You ran off when Hooktail was attacking again, you never even checked if I was okay, and now you're joining fat ass and goomba bitch to fight Hooktail!? Are you fucking crazy!?

Mario: Wait... So do you not want Koops to join us, or do you want to join us?

Goombella: She's not joining us.

Koopie Koo: Koops, you're supposed to be weak and worthless! That's why i'm dating you!

Goombella: Wow... what a let down...

Koops started to get teary eyes as a result of Koopie Koo's remarks.

Koops: But... Koopie Koo... PLEASE! I wanna do this for me! For you. I finally feel like i'm in a group that understands me!

Mario: "Understand" might be a little strong you know...

Koops: With them, I can end up being the strong 1 of the village when I come back!

Koopie Koo: No you wont! And I'm the tough 1 of the village! Thats why you need me! You will always be a bitch. You will always be worthless. I. Own. YOU! Got it!? You are nothing without me! Without me, you would still be that creepy 12 year old child obsessively playing with legos!?

Koops started to go into a full on crying session.

Koops: BUT I STILL DO THAT!

Koopie Koo: Koops, that dragon, will KILL you. Do you want to die like a coward?

Koops: *sniff*... no?

Koopie Koo: Good. God! your such a stupid idiot. You know that right?

Koops: Yes?

Koopie Koo: Good. Your mine and you always will be.

Koops started to do that thing that some people do where they cry so hard where it becomes nearly impossible for them to breath. Thats what Koops was doing...

Goombella: Oh my God. Koops! Don't listen to her. Earlier she was planning on leaving you anyway. She was trying to fuck Mario behind your back too! She just wants to get what she wants cause she's a Manipulative BITCH!

Koopie Koo: This doesn't concern you goomba! If I were you, I would just go home.

Koopie Koo: Now Koops. Leave this job to the professionals and LETS GO!

Koops: *sigh* *sniff sniff* Guys, she's right. I'm not *sniff* good at fighting. It was nice knowing *sniff* you guys kind of...

Mario: Well... Okay...

Koopie Koo: Yes good. Now are you gonna give back my weed you stole from me or what?

Mario: WHAT!?

Everyone looked at Mario.

Mario: He is not going anywhere Bitch! He needs us!

Goombella redirects her attention towards Koopie Koo.

Goombella: Yeah! Leave him alone. And why don't YOU go home bitch! Oh wait, thats right! The dragon destroyed it! So why don't you just crawl in a dumpster and just die!

Koops: Uhh... guys…

Koopie Koo started to get really huffy.

Koopie Koo: ... WOOOOOOOW. LEIK, OKAY FINE! IGNORE ME! I don't even care anymore! Your the worst bf EVER!

Koops: Wait! I'm sorry!

Koopie Koo: Fuck all of you! Okay!? I'm done, have a nice life you stubborn jerk!

Koopie Koo power shelled through Mario, Gombella, and Koops: [1 Damage All]

Koops started crying alot as he was knocked on the ground shamefully.

Mario was knocked on the ground as well, only he wasn't crying... and he had a boner.

Goombella on the other hand was not only knocked down, but became enraged with anger and fury as she was about to violently scream at Koopie Koo.

Fucking Hostile by Pantera somehow started playing in the background.

Goombella: OKAY LISTEN BITCH! I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU COPYING MY STYLE, ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT SEX ATTEMPTS, ENOUGH OF YOUR 2 FACED BULLSHIT, AND YOUR MANIPULATION! I ONLY JUST MET YOU AND I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HAVE EVER HATED ANYONE EVER IN MY LIFE!

Koopie Koo: Whatsa matter? Is the baby goomba bitch going to cry some more!?

Koops started to looked at Goombella and started to lightly nodding in agreement at Goombella signaling her to keep going.

Goombella: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

[BATTLE MODE]

Goombella: power level 16/18

V.S.

Koopie Koo: power level 5

Goombella uses tattle: This is Koopie Koo. He's a pompous bitch with a power level of 5 and a broken nose!

Goombella shot herself directly at Koopie Koo brutally breaking her nose far worse than Koops' nose injury. Blood was all over her face: [2 damage]

Koopie Koo: OOOWWWWWWWWW!

Koopie Koo fell on her back as she was knocked down.

Goombella flipped off Koopie Koo. Use your imagination.

Goombella: Had enough bitch!?

Koopie Koo forfeits.

[END OF BATTLE]

Koopie Koo started crying as she was holding her broken nose together to keep tons of blood from spilling out. She then started to have 1 of those ultimate toddler like temper tantrums that are probably nostalgic to most of you reading this.

Koopie Koo: I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU FUCKING UGLY BITCH FUCKER! YOU'RE A MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING DICK ASS WHORE! YOU FUCKING CUNT ASS BITCH WHORE SLUT BIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH! BIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH! HATE YOOOOOOOOOOUUUU! IIIIIIII HHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHAHAHAAAAAHHAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Koopie Koo ran off having a bitchy temper tantrum.

Goombella: Yeah! You better run bitch!

Mario:... DAMN GOOMBELLA!

Koops: *Sniff sniff* Hey uhh... Goombella?

Goombella: *sigh* Koops, Im sorry I beat up your girlfriend. But you have to understand, she was THAT terrible of a person. You can see where I'm coming from right?

Koops: No, you were absolutely right... You said and did all of the things I wish I could have. No seriously, I've fantasized about beating her up for years now. So... thank you standing up for me and stuff...

Goombella: Yeah... Normally, a comment like that would freak me out cause guys hitting their girlfriends is just plain wrong, but this is 1 of those cases where you're absolutely right. Don't get the wrong idea though. You're still pretty fucking weird you know.

Koops: Yeah... hehe... I've tried explaining that to people, but they would just call me sexist cause they're all a bunch of SJWs.

Goombella: Ugg... We have so many of those in college...

Koops: Oh where do you go to college at?

Mario: GUYS! I just finished masterbating!

Mario was all sweaty and gross as he addressed that.

Goombella: Gross... Good to know I guess?

Mario: YEAH IT IS! That fight was fucking hot! Hey Koops!

Koops: Yeah?

Mario: You still got that weed?

Koops: I SURE DO!

Koops smoked down Mario, and Goombella as they sat around in the Petal Meadows.

A few hours passed as the 3 of them sat around mindlessly getting high and chatting about nonsense.

Koops: Umm... Yeah... So thats how you got fired as a plumber huh? Wow. You know, I used to work at McDonalds, but I got fired. You see, it was a busy day, and Boo Cosby comes in right? he wants to order a Filet O Fish meal with large fries and a drink. Umm... I think it was Hi-C... I dont know. So basically, I got all nervous and started sweating as I was frying the fries. So it was like, really hot, and my band aid kept falling off of my nose and it kept falling in the fryer. When I served him his meal, he started complaining about a band aid being in his fries. So then he sued McDonalds for 50,000,000 coins and it got on 1up news. The manager got so pissed at me so he fired me. And... and had me arrested! My mother "Koopla" had to bail me out. When we got home, she started beating me. She punched me directly in my eyeball! That's why I have this lazy eye...

Goombella: Oh wow... That sucks. I would add more to that but I've never really worked anywhere before. Don't judge me.

Mario: Yeah. Pretty sick story though.

Koops: Yeah. Also, Koopla dropped me on my head... Apparently, my daddy told me thats when she did that, her first words were,"OOPS!" She even named me after that quote. Why do you think my name is K"oops."

Mario started to burst out laughing like an asshole. This laugh lasted for awhile

Goombella: Damn... thats pretty harsh. So like I was saying about my job thing earlier, I never really worked at a job yet. My parents always supported me financially. They pay for a lot. Like college, makeup, and videogames and stuff.

Koops: Yeah. When you were talking about your summer vacation from college, I was wondering? Wouldn't you had been able to have any partners come with you for the trip?

Mario continued to laugh. He even peed a little. The pee isnt easy to smell, but if you concentrate hard enough, you can smell it.

Goombella: Well... basically, I have no friends at college. They all hate me. My professor assigned 3 grade A students to come with him. Me being 1. Basically, those other 2 students decided they'd rather choke on their own vomit than spend time with me and find ancient treasure.

Koops: Wait... why do they hate you so much?

Goombella: Well, a lot of them thought I was really stuck up and self-centered which is bullshit cause, like, heh i'm not! Also, I made a rape joke that was taken out of context. I WAS TALKING ABOUT A SCENARIO WHERE YOU SHOULDN'T DO OR SAY THE WORD "RAPE!" The joke was about the worst kind of scenario ever being about a guy running around naked in an opened trench coat at a liberal arts college hallway dorm. He's waving his arms while wearing dildo finger gloves and yelling, "RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE!" So basically, a lot of those college wannabe activists got like, SUPER offended and had the film crew make a video about how rape is wrong. They used ugly photos of me that they hacked from my computer to bash me in the video! So that's why all of them hate me... They hated me so much, they started making a donation fund to get me to kill myself. *sniff*

Koops: Wow. Like... Like, that awful. So similar to me, everyone hates you too right?

Goombella: Uhh... No! Its not like that at all! People like me…

Koops: So wait, I have to ask cause i'm bad with names. You names... Goombella? Right?

Goombella: Yeah.

Mario was still on the floor laughing from earlier.

Koops: Okay sweett! And who's that guy over there? Like, he seems familiar… He's Mario isn't he? Like, the real Mario?

Koops pointed at Mario getting his attention.

Goombella: Yeah! He's the real Mario! He can like, be a dick, but if you get to know him well enough, he's actually kind of a cool guy. Like, basically, he has a penis level- I mean, penis size of 7.85! His flaccid level is about 5.54. Personally, I think he's more of a shower than a grower.

Mario: What are you talking? You've never even seen my dick!

Goombella: Not true! I did see it hanging down once when you did that airplane butt rub thing that turned you into a plane. Also, you like, have a boner every 7 seconds!

Mario: Hey! Thats a myth!

Koops: Wow, I can see your point. But not to be rude.

Goombella: Thank you. I would say you're penis is about 5.49 inches. Its kind of on the small side if you ask me cause like, the average is 5.5.

Koops: Aww shucks! Wait, you saw my penis?

Goombella: Uhh... Yeah. You were totally trying to suck your own dick when we first saw you.

Koops: Oh yeah... I guess that make sense.

Mario: Yeah... And I have to ask, what's with you and penises right now?

Goombella: I don't know. Its like when I'm high, I like, get a little … turned on apparently... For some reason, my psyche won't let me think about anything else right now. Oh gosh. I feel really weird for saying all that now. No 1 thinks im weird right?

Koops: Its okay Yeah... I've always wanted to ask, why are females so attracted to penises? I just don't get it you know what I mean?

Mario: Thats a good question! You know, I think it's cause they don't have 1! And that concept is hot to them! That's why I like dem titties! I just wanna know what it feels like to actually have them attached to your chest like from the female's perspective. That right there is fucking hot! I mean yeah I kind of have boobs, but i'm talking about "girl" boobs you know?

Goombella: Yeah...With dicks, its that, and a lot of other weird things I think about that I can't really explain right now. Maybe it's the shape and what they're for and the whole cumming thing and the variety of sizes is an appeal. I dont know... I would try to say more, but I mean, I can't think of why, I just dont know how to put it all into words exactly.

Koops: I have that same issue with explaining sexual fascinations too…

Mario: Yeah same...

Koops: Wow! We get along great together do we!?

Mario: Yeah... probably cause were so high thanks to your weed!

Goombella: Yeah. Heh. I think we need to come up with a team name guys!

Koops: Yeah. After all, were a team now!

Mario: Yeah! But what should we call us?

Koops: Well you're our leader right!? You should come up with it!

Goombella: What? When did Mario become the leader!? I thought I was th- ... aww screw it...

Mario: Hmm... Give me some ideas.

Koops: Lets be the Adventuring 3 Unleashed!

Goombella: Nah... Thats stupid. What kind of name is that? You know, I bet you watch Loonatics Unleashed, and LIKE IT!

Koops: Wait, what's wrong with Loonatics Unleashed!? That stuff is the core of my nostalgia!

Goombella: LAME! Don't even get me started on that. But here's my idea. Lets be the Team of the Universe!

Koops: Why does that suddenly make me think of Steven Universe?

Goombella: Well, actually I was thinking about the name of my college; U Goom. "U" stands for universe. Like University...

Koops: I see.

Mario: No wait! I just got it! We will be,... The M Team!

Goombella: That sounds like an A team rip off...

Mario: Yes. That's the idea. If you don't like, trust me. It will grow on you.

Koops: So wait, does the "M" stand for like, Mario or something?

Mario: No... M stands for... MOTHER FUCKERS!

Koops: Hmm... So were the "mother fuckers" team?

Goombella: Shouldn't it be the MF Team then?

Mario: The M Team rolls off the tongue better.

Goombella: Yeah... I guess.

Koops: I think it does. So alright! Cool! Were "The M Team!"

Goombella: Okay yeah... Now I guess that names growing on me now. OH SHIT!

Mario and Koops: What?

Goombella: We forgot to put the stoned key pieces into the rocks!

Mario: Haha! We got the keys stoned!

Goombella: I meeean, we still need to put the stones in the rocks!

Mario: Oh right! I forgot about that shit.

Goombella: We must have gotten so high that we get side tracked about we forgot about the whole reason why we came here.

Mario: Well personally, I think we all needed some time to fucking chill you know?

Koops: Wait, so what are we doing?

Mario: Were putting in those stones? So wait, which 1 goes in which?

Goombella: *Sigh...* You put the sun stone in the rock with that sun shaped hole, and you put the moon stone in the rock with that moon shaped hole. Didn't you learn shaped in kindergarten?

Mario: That was the year where I got really addicted to pot.

Koops: Why do those stones suddenly remind me of Pokemon?

Mario: Right!?

Mario and Koops installed the stones into the large relics. Doing this majically conjured a ritual where 2 blue transparent Super Mario World/64 looking switches rose from the ground along with a shrine with some kind of stupid instructions that tell them how to access the warp pipe.

Mario: Hey! Sweet! Its written in english! ... Goombella? Can you read, I can't read in english.

Goombella: Of course... It says "Here beginneth the path to dread Hooktail's Castle. Weaklings, retreated." Koops... "Yei who seeketh to proceed: a power of 2 must hitteth botch switches simultaneously."

Koops: So we have to hit those 2 switches at the same time?

Goombella: Well yeah. Basically.

Mario: Well in that case, I got an idea! Koops! Come with me!

Koops: Uhh... Okay... What are we doing exactly?

Mario guided Koops to the right switch.

Mario: Alright, so you know that whole initiation shit we did?

Koops: Yeah?

Mario:... Were gonna do that.

Koops: Gee wizz... Really?

Mario: Yeah... yeah we are. Do you have any better ideas?

Koops: Well... no...

Mario: Exactly, now I'm gonna jump on you, and your gonna do that hold move until I say "go."

Koops: Ohh... Alright...

Mario jumped on Koops as he held down the rolling back portune of his boomerang move. Mario then prepared to hammer slam the other switch.

Mario: Alright Koops. You better not fuck this up.

Koops: Oh...kay.

Mario: Alright, on a count of 3. 1, 2, 3!

Mario hit the switch as Koops hit it too early.

Mario: What the hell Koops! You missed your cue you asshole!

Koops: But you said when you say "go,"

Mario: Shut up. Okay, on a count of 3 this time! 1, 2, 3!

They missed their cues again.

Mario: DAMNIT KOOPS! YOU RETARD!

Koops: Sorry! I'm not good at timing i'm just so nervous!

They then spend an entire stressful fucking hour and a half to try and get the timing right.

Mario and Koops started panting.

Mario: Okay... FUCK, THIS, SHIT! I'M ABOUT TO GIVE UP! KOOPS, YOU SUCK DICK AT TIMING. YOU SUCK DICK MORE THAN YOU SUCK DICK AT SUCKING YOUR OWN DICK!

Mario attempted to throw a rock at koops but it missed him.

Koops started to tear up a little as he thought deeply about that insult.

Koops: We... could just walk over to Hooktails castle on foot. I mean, walking can be fun right?

Mario: No! At this point, Its about the principle!

Koops: Oh sorry... I think its just that were still a little too high... But wait, I thought you decided to give up.

Mario: No! I know what I said.

Goombella: Can I MAKE a suggestion you 2?

Koops: Yeah?

Mario: What...

Goombella: Lets just try hitting it at the same time "without" the shell technique. I'll count to 3 this time alright?

Mario and Koops: Fine...

Goombella: Alright, 1, 2, 3!

They finally successfully hit the block switches at the same time which majically conjured a warp pipe that rose from the ground as predicted many times.

Koops: Hey, It worked! Why didn't I think of that?

Goombella: Cause you're a fucking moron dude. But that's okay, Mario's a fucking moron too.

Mario: You're a moron!

Goombella: Whatever, lets just go down the pipe already.

Chapture 2 - 5: Dungeons and Dumbasses!

At long last as if it didn't take almost 2/3rds of the fucking chapture, Mario, Goombella, and Koops I guess made it to the castle without walking through the hills like sensible people. I'm assuming that's what Koops' "Daddy" was smart enough to do.

They became stuck on a bridge with a ded end that might contain some redeeming way to get by.

Goombella: Oh Jesus! I never realized how huge this castle really is. Look at it.

The 3 got an overwhelming view of how big the castle was from close up.

Koops: Yeah. It really gives me an eerie feeling. For all of my life I've wanted to see what this castle was like and now i'm finally here. This is kind of freaky...

Goombella: Yeah... accept 1 problem, were at a ded fucking end!

Mario looked down at where they are standing on. He noticed it was a plane shrine like from what he saw when he and Goombella met Black Spirit after it gave him a curse, he knew what to do.

Mario: No we're not...Look what we're standing on.

They all looked down and noticed they were standing on a shrine.

Mario casually unbuttoned his overalls succeeding with his underwear falling down without any notifycation whatsoever.

Koops: Oh! Uhh... Are we all taking off our clothes or something?

Koops began to pull down his pants and underwear as well assuming it was part of Mario's plan to do that.

Goombella: NO KOOPS!

Koops: What?

Goombella: PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON YOU TWIT!

Koops: Aww man... Then why is Mario-

Goombella: Just watch... or dont. I'm not.

Mario repeated what he did from Chapture 1 - 8 where he wore only a shirt Porky Pig style where he began rubbing his ass on the shrine like a fucking dog. He soon successfully turned into a plane.

Koops: Whoa! Like, How'd he do that!?

Goombella: Apparently he got cursed and now when ever we see a platform with that shrine on it, he can turn into a plane...

Koops: Jeez Really!? Aww... I wish I was cursed...

Mario: Are you 2 getting on my back or not!?

Goombella: Oh right... fuck.

Goombella and Koops got on Mario as they flew over the bridge and entered the main body of Hooktail's castle. This is a strange story. The game I mean.

[Hooktail's Castle]

Along the way, Mario found another badge! The Power Bounce badge! 1 of the most useful badges you'll see Mario use in upcoming fights. Basically, he can jump on the same enemy multiple times in 1 turn. Each time gets a little harder than the next so he will eventually fuck this routine up many many times to come. You probably would have preferred dialog for that scene huh? Well hows that for good storytelling!?

As Mario and his strange friends kept adventuring, they entered a room where they spotted several piles of Koopa skeletons everywhere as if they all ate each other or some shit. I don't think Hooktail killed them exactly. I don't think that dragon can even fit in this particular room that they're in. Or maybe the Koopas struggled to get through. So they decided to starve to deth or something like that. WHO KNOWS! Anyhoo, like many places they've entered in this series, this 1 also smells terrible, for fuck sakes, there in a room full of ded koopa corpses. This room obviously smells like nothing but ancient rotting flesh, and anciently voided bowls.

Goombella: OH MY MIYAMOTO! IT SMELLS IN HERE! Mario, you got the clothes pins!?

Mario: Got em' right here.

Mario and Goombella applied the clothespins on their noses.

Koops: Hey, don't I get 1?

Mario: Yeah... sorry, I really only have 2.

Koops: Fine! I can handle it! My room smells like farts and dick smear anyway!

Mario: Good for you.

Koops begin to notice a Koopa Korpse wearing a pair of blue shoes. This might actually be Koops' father.

Koops: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

Goombella: What?

Koops: OH NOOOOO! NO WAAAAAAYYYY!

Koops ran towards the corpse with the blue sneakers.

Koops: Oh my god! Its daddy! I recognize those bones anywhere!

Goombella: ... How?

Koops: I can't believe it! MY DADDY is DED!11

Koops began to cry like a toddler who lost his toy lawn mower from his crib.

Koops: DADDY'S DED EVERYONE! OOOH MY GOOOODDDD! BLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!111

Koops barfed all over the floor.

Mario: Wait... Didn't we know that already...?

Koops began to start crying like a son who just found out his dad died. In other words, he cried like a bitch!

Koops: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Mario and Goombella walked up to Koops trying to calm his ass down.

Mario: What the hell is with and you saying "daddy?" Seriously I mean, how old are you?

Koops: Sniff sniff... Uhh... 18?

Mario: Okay. You're 18. What the hell kind of 18 year old calls his dad "daddy?" Seriously! I want to know. I would say a pussy, but even that would be an understatement.

Goombella: Ehh... Cut him a break Mario. He just saw his dad's corpse.

Mario: Well, I'm sorry, all of this is really just... really gay! And boring too.

Goombella: Don't you have a dad?

Mario: MY DAD WAS A FUCKING STORK! IT ALSO SUBSTITUTED AS MY FUCKING MOM TOO! Haven't you played Yoshi's Island!?

Goombella: Yeah, but I thought storks delivered babies.

Mario: ITS COMPLICATED! Shut up! I don't want to talk about it.

Koops: Hey wait? There's a letter molded in it's flesh. Should I read it?

Mario: Sure... Why the fuck not.

Koops began to read the letter.

"My mission to destroy the foul beast has become a failure. But I tripped and broke my leg on the way to fight it and now I can't fucking move. Not that I can not not go no not further. So, basicly, I heard that Hookertail has PTSD over crickets and the sound that they make. They make the dragon weaker. Thats his 1 weakness. That, and 10 bags of fireweed, and stronger power levels. But If you no have theez, you're fucked. So finda the badge that makes dat noise so you can murder-fuck it. Before I ded, I wanna tell you my son, I hate you, I fucking hate you. You should have been a cum shot inside a fucking condom that I would poorly discard in the trash. You are the worst piece of shit and you give this whole planet a bad name just by your existence. I am proud to tell you that you should go kill yourself if you haven't already. Kill yourself. I'm ashamed to call you my son; Kolarado. Serious, go kill yourself."

Koops: Wait... Kolorado!? Does that mean daddy forgot my name!?

Mario: No. Thats not your dad. Thats... nevermind...

Koops: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh... Ummm... Yeah. Thats good. So maybe daddy's still alive. Yeah, I don't know why I imagined him with blue shoes anyway.

Mario: I highly doubt that.

Koops: Wait, so maybe daddy's corpse is lying around here somewhere!

Goombella: Koops, shut the hell up. You're confusing me. Is he alive or ded?

Koops looked around and saw a pinkish reddish skeleton guarding the doorway.

Koops: Maybe that's daddy! Now that I think about it, daddy definitely had a pink skeleton!

Goombella: Mario, I think the aroma of the ded bodies is making Koops lose his mind.

Mario: I think he's always just like this...

Goombella: Yeah true that…

Koops began to shake the corpse franticly.

Koops: Hey! Daddy! Wake up! Hehe... Look at me!

The corpses eyes began to glow and soon trembled in pure rage in response to the eccentric shaking.

Red Bones (Age 292): STOP! FUCKING! SHAKING ME!

Goombella: IT'S ALIVE!?

Red Bones: You all clearly have no value for the ded if you all are shaking corpses and reading letters and throwing up everywhere! Now you all will know what it's like to be ded!

1000 dry bones' rose up like zombies. The entire room suddenly become cluttered with them. There were even some massive piles of them stacked on each other struggling to move. It was looking like fucking China!

They all began to attack the trio very poorly. Although the 3 were getting knocked around everywhere as if they were at a Slayer mosh pit. Those things are fucking crazy.

Red Bones: You will all die!

Mario: THIS IS SO INEFFECTIVE!

A bunch of skeletons grabbed a hold of Koops as they were planning on doing who knows what with him.

Koops: AHHH! Guys help! They got me! THEY GOT ME! THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!

Mario: Stop giving them ideas!

Goombella: Wait! Lets go for the leader! The red skeleton!

Mario: But where is he?

Mario and Goombella saw Red Bones simply taking a smoke break off on some clear corner.

Mario: THERE HE IS! GET HIM!

Mario and Goombella struggled to reach Red Bones but soon triumphed by slamming a shit ton of skeleton zombies out of the way.

Mario immediately whacked with red skeleton koopa thing with his hammer! Mario made a hammertime joke.

[BATTLE MODE]

Battle Music: Angel of Death, by Slayer. I have to. I mentioned Slayer and I'm not looking back. Or did I?

Mario uses hammer smash: [1 Damage]

Mario: Power Level 28/30

Goombella: Power Level 16/18

FP: 5/5

V.S.

Dull Bones: Power Level 3

Red Bones: Power Level 15/19

Dull Bones: Power Level 3

Mario: You look like a gay anorexic homeless man that took enough meth to turn pink! I bet you can't even suck dick for it cause no 1 wants a blow job with that much teeth!

Red Bones: KILL HIM!1

Goombella: Hey! It's still our turn asshole!

Goombella used tattle on Red Bones: This is Red Bones. he is so fugly. But he is a little stronger than the normal Dull Bones. He has a power level of 19. Thats stronger than me! Even if its HP drops to 0, it can come back to life. So... finish it last.

Mario: My tattles are better.

Goombella: No, they're just more offensive thats all...

Mario uses multibounce with no effective results.

Goombella: I almost forgot, they all have a defense of 1. So use your hammer.

Mario: I got a better idea next turn.

Dull bones 1 uses bone throw on Goombella: [2 Damage]

Goombella: FUCK! That hurt more than I thought it would!

Mario: Ha! You got boned!

Goombella: Shut up.

Dull bones 2 uses triple mini-bone throw on Goombella: [2 Damage] Goombella deflected 1 of them.

Red Bones throws his bone at Mario: [3 Damage]

Mario: Fuck! that does hurt!

Dull Bones 3 uses bone throw on Mario: [2 Damage]

Dull Bones 4: uses bone throw at Mario : [Countered]

Goombella uses tattle on Dull Bones: This is called a Dull Bones. Not Dry Bones apparently. They have a power level of 3 and they don't respawn when you kill them they're so weak.

Mario: Hmm... Should I roll a bone like in that Rush album, or should I use the POW block? Oh Screw it. POW BLOCK!

Mario uses POW Block with no negative repercussions other than killing of all 1000 of the Dull Bones in the room: [2 Damage]

The Red Bones Remains.

Red Bones rebuilds a Dull Bones from the ground up.

Koops: Hey guys!

Mario: Holy shit! You're not ded! ... again.

Koops: Yeah! I was doing pretty well fighting them off too. Thanks for that POW Block move though! It really saved my ass!

Mario: Sure. You want in on this?

Koops: Sure!

Goombella switched with Koops.

Koops: Power Level 27/30

Mario: Wait, we can't all 3 fight at 1ce?

Goombella: Apparently we can't...

Mario: THAT SUCKS!

Mario uses Hammer killing the dull bones that was just created.

Red Bones throws a boner bone at Koops: [2 Damage]

Mario: How did that hurt him less!?

Goombella: He has a shell which boosts his defense. That's the reason why his power level is 30 and not 20.

Mario: Oh right.

Koops uses bowling ball shell attack on Red bones: [1 Damage]

Mario uses Power Smash delivering a skull crushing blow directly at Red Bone's skull: [3 Damage]

[END OF BATTLE]

Mario: Wait... so isn't that Red Bone thing gonna respawn soon?

Goombella: Nah. Thats only in the battle mode.

Mario: But wait, can't he still just respawn?

Goombella: Don't think too hard about this.

Goombella: Yeah Koops. Nice job. With that extra defense under your belt, you really can make a great human shield!

Goombella: Wait, Koops, what are you doing?

Koops was spacing out while he looking through shit on his phone.

Koops: I'm just checking facebook.

Goombella: Wait, we almost died and the first thing you think about is checking your facebook!? What the fuck is wrong with you!?

Koops: What? Oh no. I'm checking Koopie Koo's facebook. So her relationship status hasn't changed... phew! Well thats good. She recently uploaded this selfie with her and this other Koopa she's friends with. Hes like the famous hide and seek expert of Petalburg. It seems like they've been hanging out alot lately... I hope shes not like, cheating on me.

Goombella: Like, she TOTALLY is!

Mario: Like, this is TOTALLY BORING! LETS GO ALREADY!

Mario Goombella and Koops proceeded onwards in the castle. After a few useless tedious puzzles where they all kept screaming at each other except for Koops who usually just got screamed at it seems, they stumbled on a room with an Ancient Black Chest similar to 1 that they saw earlier. Mario totally won't get cursed again... Oops. I didn't gave anything away did I?

Mario: Oh heeellll no!

Koops: What?

Mario: That box over there, there's a black spirit in that box that's gonna curse me. Thats how I got the airplane ability curse.

Koops: Really?

Mario got all sarcastic all the sudden.

Mario: No...

Koops: Oh okay.

Goombella: Well I think we'll be fine. I don't think there's anything in there this time.

A soft spoken voice began to speak in a soothing male gender like tone.

Black Chest Voice (Age 1040): Oh oh oh wait what? Oh... my dearest apologies.

Mario: YOU WERE SAYING GOOMBELLA!?

Black Chest Voice: What's the matter? Why you fright so?

Goombella: Your not gonna curse us are you?

Black Chest Voice: Oh heavens to murgatroyd, you must have partaken in the confusion of myself being acquainted with a potential doppelganger of mine. I mean you no harm...

Goombella: Well thats good. You seem mmm much more pleasant than the last trapped box spirit we faced.

Koops started to space out as he began to obsessively checking Koopie Koo's facebook for any updates along with disproportionate hentai of Lisa Simpson naked and pregnant.

Mario: Okay, so the fucks your deal?

Black Chest Voice: Well you see kind sir, I have been trapped in this small square like structure for what may possibly seem like a millennium by now. You are the first voices I have heard or talked to since I was placed in this visually absent space. Is it possible that you 2 are legendary heroes.

Goombella: Were really not.

Mario: Yeah. Were The M Team bitch!

Goombella: Mario, buy a dictionary, and look up "social," and "filter."

Mario: Well obviously, this poor soul wants out of the box. It might as well know our team name if we're gonna do that.

Black Chest Voice: Wait, You mean you will partake in an act of kindness that enables an exit from this vicinity?

Mario: Well, we're not really doing this to help you. Were just lost and I'm kind of assuming that freeing you will help us. If we weren't lost in this castle, we'd probably just ignore you.

Black Chest Voice: Oh that is of most wonderful news! So wonderful indeed! Thank you ever so kindly!

Mario: Just quit the kiss ass act already...

Goombella: So wait, so your box looks like you need a key to open it, do you know where is it.

Black Chest Voice: I may have a slight clue, but my memory is yet so vivid. Perhaps it may be wondering in a room next to us.

Mario: Oh, so its like the last key? Alright. Easy! Sweet! 1 key for your ass coming up!

Goombella: Alright Koops, come on, were gonna find a key.

Goombella walked over at Koops and accidently saw something on his phone she would very much regret to see.

Goombella: AHH KOOPS! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Goombella shut her eyes as closed as possible and looked away on instinct.

Koops: What? its just Simpsons fanart. Look. See? It's Marge Simpson squatting over taking a dump on a full grown adult version of Bart Simpson. Basically, she's pooping all over his genitals. Heh. Imagine trying to get all of that out of your pubic hair right?

Goombella: AWW SICK! That's the grossest shit I've ever heard! I can't believe you're looking that shit up in an ancient castle let alone you doing that on your down time.

Mario: Its not so bad. I've done worse. Look up "Mario Hentai." Some of that is actually based on fact. I have alot of stalker fans.

Koops: Oh i've seen some of that. I like the 1 where you were fucking Amy Rose.

Mario: I'm gonna punch you so hard, you'll have 2 lazy eyes.

Koops: Sorry...

Mario: Whatever. Fuck you.

The 3 of them took the door to their right and entered a room of what may seem like a trap. There seemed to be a treasure chest stranded in the middle of the room.

Mario: See look gaywads! Its right here.

Goombella: I don't know, I see alot of holes in this room that look like they're waiting for something to happen.

Koops: Yeah. I'm kind of scared. My intuition is kicking in.

Mario: Intuition is for pussies! We got a key to obtain!

Mario opens the chest and grabs the key like a mindless retard with his head cut off. Guess what friggin happens? Spikes! Spike came out all of the holes in the room. Luckily no 1 got stabbed. Koops almost got stabbed though. the spikes also formed a maze so maybe they'll have a chance to escape. But they have to hurry cause the ceiling full of spikes is closing in on them. That is so fucking brutally literally metal!

Mario: shhhhhhittt...

Goombella: MARIO YOU ASSHOLE! NOW WERE GONNA DIE BECAUSE OF YOU!

Mario: Yeah no kidding... I can't even think of a better deth than this right now.

Goombella: OH! WHY COULDN'T WE JUST CARRY THE CHEST IN THE OTHER ROOM AND THEN OPEN IT! NOW WERE GONNA BE FUCKING CRUSHED TO DETH!

Mario: But wouldn't doing that be cheating?

Goombella: WHY ARE YOU JOKING!?

Goombella started smacking Mario repetitively.

Koops began to look around and started to notice a way out. Hows that for intuition!?

Koops: GUYS! I think I just figured out a way out of here!

Goombella: What really!? Well lets go then!

Koops: Yeah! Mario, grab the key and come on!

The 3 morons quickly escaped from the treacherous trap where they almost met their deth but escaped just in time before the ceiling closed in on them. They started panting alot afterwards.

Goombella: Phew! That was close!

Mario: Yeah! Koops, why didn't you let us know sooner that that shit was a maze!?

Koops: Well you know, it's nothing... Thanks guys.

Koops pulled out his phone to check Koopie Koo's facebook again.

Koops: Oh good. I'm still in a relationship with her.

Goombella: How often do you check your facebook dude?

Koops tuned her out as he tends to get in the zone when he checks Koopie Koo's facebook.

Goombella: Your so fucking weird.

Black Chest Voice: Hello? I hear your voices again! You all must have retrieve the key from the trap room I presume?

Goombella: Wait, YOU KNEW THAT THERE WAS A TRAP ROOM!?

Black Chest Voice: Oh, well 1000 pardons. You see, I have a perfectly reasonable excuse... I forgot!

Goombella: ... You forgot...

Goombella: You forgot there was a fucking trap that could have gave us THAT gruesome of a deth...

Black Chest Voice: You have the key right?

Mario: Yeah just 1 second.

Mario struggled to pull the black key out of his own ass. Don't ask me what compelled him to put it in there.

Goombella: When did you have time to shove a key up your ass!?

Mario: When I suppress my fear, I do eccentric things I don't realize im doing them at the time.

Goombella: Ehhww.. It smells.

Mario: Well why do you think!?

Mario opened the ancient chest of a somewhat living thing trapped inside it. Do you want me to explain to you what happens?

Black Spirit II: UH-OH! LOOKS LIKE WE GOT SOME DUMB ASS BITCHES UP IN HERE NIGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!1

Mario: OH GOD DAMNIT!

Goombella: NOT AGAIN!

Koops: Whats whats going on. I just put my phone away.

The Black Spirit came out of the blue and isolated Mario in a background of nothing but DARKNESS! It looked exactly like last time. The background music is Shame On A Nigga by Wu Tang Clan

Black Spirit II: OH MAN NIGGA! WHY YOU GOTTA BE THE DUMMEST ASS BITCH ALL AWW TIME!? YOU THOUGHT THAT I WAS A CLASS ASS WHITE NIGGA HUH? AH MAN NIGGA, THAT SHIT BACK THERE EARLIER, THAT SHIT WAS DESIGNED TO SHANK n' CRUSH YO ASS! IF I HAD ARMS AND LEGS BITCH, ID JUMP YO WHITE ASS SO HARD, YO HALF NIGGA GRAND KIDS WILL BE RENDERED INFERTILE! SO YOU KNOW WHAT? KNOW WHAT? Guess what imma do instead. I'm gonna curse yo ass. Thats right nigga. I'M CURSIN' YO ASS! No charge be included. This shit will be freer than the first time I sell a nigga crack! OGGITYOGGITYBOO BIATCH!

Mario: What's the curse? Am I jizzing jewelry or something?

Black Spirit II: OH WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! Just cause you said that, I was gonna make you lactate some of that mercury shit. Thats right! Motha Fuckin Hg! Number 80 on the periodic table BITCH! YE IM EDUCATED! WHAT!? HUH? WHAT YOU GON' DO BOUT DAT BITCH!

Black Spirit II: So now, I gotta give you another curse up yo ass.

Mario: Oh no...not that... anything but that.

Black Spirit II: AIGHT AIGHT, So, you know how yo fat, right? Well get this shit, since yo fat, yo ass got some of em' tig ol' man bitties! So get this. Get this. When you press dem tig ol' bitties together, you'll start sweating alot and shit. You've seen em Gatorade commercials right!? Only that ain't some normal sweat, that shit is straight up bacon grease nigga!

Black Spirit II: So, to sum dat shit up, press dem tittes together, and yo ass be sweating bacon grease. Oh ya, press dem titties hard!

Mario: Heh... cool.

Black Spirit II: HAHHAH YEEE... Yo ass is gon' be embarrassed and all them bitches are gon' be callin you "jive ass turkey!" YOU LIKE THAT!? HUH? "JIVE ASS TURKEY!" "JIVE ASS TURKEY!" Well, anyway, I gotta flah. I'mma spend the rest of mah existence floating around in some Grape Flavored Kool-Aid at a factory! PEACE BIAAAAAAAAAAATCH!

Black Spirit II flew away for good. The background turned completely normal and Mario was left with another curse. At least with this 1, he can do that anywhere. I wonder when he'll need to do that shit next?

Koops and Goombella ran towards him in hopes that he was alright.

Koops: Mario! Are you alright? You're not gonna die are you?

Mario: No I'm good. I just a little bit of the big C. Thats all.

Koops: Cancer!?

Mario: Cursed Koops! "Cursed!" You don't pay attention do you.

Goombella: Mario, you're quite 1 to talk personally.

Mario True that. True that.

Goombella: So what kind of curse did you get this time?

Mario: Uhh... Apparently when I press my chest together tight enough, I can sweat bacon grease…

Goombella and Koops started laughing hysterically at Mario cause of his shitty ass curse.

Mario: OH YEAH, well you know what? since I can do that, I don't need to buy lubricate anymore. I can just use my curse for sex now!

Goombella and Koops paused for a few seconds, then continued to laugh some more.

Mario walked towards Goombella and Koops and slammed their skulls together.

Koops: OWW! Hey! She had a helmet on! And you just bashed me in the eye with her flashlight piece! OUCH!

Mario: Lets go bitches.

Goombella: We sure say "Lets go" a lot when we transition to another scene.

Koops: More like, "LETS-A GO!" Am I right Mario?

Mario ran back at Koops and started strangling him right before the scene changed!

The strange gang of 3 continued to proceed onward to various rooms and various puzzles that are more visual humor than anything else. Infact, some of these puzzles even involve Mario greasing his way through tight spaces with his new curse. So we will not be showing every little detail. I apologize if that hurts you. They did find some golden metal glowing sun shaped stones called "Shine Sprites" if that means anything to you. If you ask me, I think Mario's planning on pawning them for sex and drugs.

Uhh... Heres a useless filler fight scene! Enjoy!

[BATTLE MODE]

Mario: Power Level 18/30

Goombella: Power Level 9/18

Koops: Power Level 24/30

FP: 1/5

V.S.

Dull Bones: 3

Spiny Goomba: 4

Koopa: Power Level 12

Mario uses double jump on Koopa: [1 Damage]

Koops uses super shell slam on Dull Bones blasting all of his pieces all over every side of the room re-killing him: [1 Damage]

Spiny Goomba uses jump while wearing spiky helmet on Koops knocking him down for a turn: [1 Damage]

Mario: HAHA! You dumbass!

The other Koopa struggles to get up as well.

Mario uses hammer blast on Spiny Goomba blasting his organs everywhere: [2 Damage]

Koops struggles to get up costing him his turn.

Mario: I should have used Goombella for this 1.

Koopa gets back up.

Mario: Not if I can help it!

Mario uses another double jump on Koopa disabling him on the ground again!

Koops gets back up.

Koops: Hey what did I miss?

Mario: the whole fucking fight.

Koops: Thats cool. I'm gonna check Koopie's facebooks again.

Mario: Put your fucking phone down! Were in [BATTLE MODE]!

Mario uses a finishing blow on Koopa slamming his hammer on his stomach like a BOSS! Oh yeah. That stopped the Koopa's heart in a devastating fashion!

Mario leveled up.

Mario: I'm leveling up my FP this time!

[END OF BATTLE]

Koops: Hey Goombella? So I uhh... noticed you didn't do a tattle log this time.

Goombella: Well I already have all of those characters logged already.

Koops: Thats cool. I see you like books. I like the kind that show what's going on!

Goombella: You mean like Dr. Seuss...?

Koops: Well yeah. I mostly talking about comic books... You know what comic books are Goombella?

Goombella: Well yeah. Duh.

Koops: Ohh... I'll shut up now... Hey do look like a douchebag in this selfie?

Koops began to hold up his phone showing a selfie of himself in the bathroom trying really hard to do an edgy pose with sunglasses, shirtless, and a peace sign with crude marker tattoos and a retarded duckface.

Goombella:... Why yes! Yes you do!

Mario: The hell are you 2 talking about?

Goombella: Nothing.

Koops: Facebook.

Mario opened the door where he found a room full of treasure along with a white ball shaped female mouse thing with red high heels and a red raccoon like mask covering her eyes. Apparently, she's supposed to be a sexy ninja or some shit. Apparently, Nintendo finds mice sexy.

Ms. Mowz (Age 25): Well my oh my! Who are these sexy gentlemen and fine lady we have here?

Koops: Uhhhh... Hi? Are you an enemy of ours?

Mario: Koops, I'll handle this...

Mario: Who the fuck are you?

Ms. Mowz: Who mii? Teehee. Why, I'm Ms. Mowz you pretty piece of parmesan! the SEXIEST thief that models and steals things around the world! I'm kind of a big deal you know...

Goombella: Uhh... yeah are you a fucking stripper or something...?

Ms. Mowz: So you 3 never heard of me sweet swiss?

Goombella: …..What?

Ms. Mowz: See, I hear these rumors of treasure. Rare treasure! Like, badges and stuff! Rare and valuable badges here in this castle!

Koops: Whoa... So who makes these badges anyway?

Ms. Mowz: No 1 knows my cheesy cheddar...

Koops started to blush a lot.

Ms. Mowz: That's why i'm here in this castle silly. Say! Why are you all here? This castle is kind of dangerous you know. And I don't wanna see any of your balfour booties get hurt by some dragon.

Ms. Mowz: Especially not you my sexy hunk of cheese.

Ms. Mowz began to direct her attention towards Mario.

Mario: Ooh... I'll show you a hunk of cheese alright!

Mario dropped his pants and underwear as he flashed her his genitals and misread Ms Mowz signals like a horny freshmen.

Mario: Wanna take a nibble?

I could make a beastiality joke but I wont.

Goombella: MARIO! Why do I have to keep telling people to put their pants back on!?

Mario: Whatever…

Mario put his overalls back on in disappointment.

Koops: Umm, well...

Mario: Were here for 1 of the 7 dedly stars. So yeah. Don't touch it or I'll fucking kill you. I'll eat you alive while I wear a cat suit and eat you. And believe me, it won't be cute like a Tom and Jerry episode either. It will be gruesome, and gory. Even too gory for this parody! Also, Hookertail has it.

Koops: Yeah! So were not letting you get to it first no manner how ... hot you are!

Ms. Mowz: So theres a dedly star you say? Well, sounds like I just learned something I probably shouldn't have you Foolish Ficaccios!

Koops: Ah geez...

Goombella: Okay seriously, what's with the cheese jokes? Seriously. Last time I checked, cheese isn't sexy. And stop the slutty shit too! Its gross! I bet you're cheese puns are even cheesier than your yeast infection!

Mario: Nice 1 Goombella!

Goombella: Thank you.

Koops: Yeah! You're such a hoe, I can't tell the difference between you and a hose!

Goombella: Unfunny... Painfully unfunny dude.

Koops: Sorry...

Ms. Mowz: Jeez guys... I was gonna say. Its all yours, I was just in here for some treasure but damn! You guys are messed up...

Koops: NO WAIT! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! I was trying to be funny! You can have the star they were talking about! I'm just here for daddy!

Mario and Goombella: KOOPS!

Koops: Oh sorry.

Ms. Mowz: Whatever, I'm leaving. In the mean time, this is for you my mustached mostaccioli!

Mario: Who me?

Ms. Mowz grabbed Mario by the back of his head and started french kissing him ferociously for about 10 seconds.

Goombella: OKAY! You need to leave slut! Now!

Ms. Mowz: Fine... tata for now my Lovely Labnehs!

Ms. Mowz jumps out the window somehow not leading to a fatal fall due to her ninja skills! Are you Naruto fans enjoying this parody yet?

Koops: Damn Mario! She like, raped you man! You sure got a way with the ladies! My gf was even gonna fuck you.

Mario: Yeah. For me, chicks are pretty easy. I don't know what is. I'm like, the grossest person in this entire universe! Also I stole a cricket badge from her.

Goombella: Oh please... she's a fucking slut that's trying to be slutty for the sake of being slutty... What's that skank's deal? Like seriously?

Mario: I'm starting to think you just hate every female ever...

Koops: Yeah. What's up with that anyway?

Goombella: Not true. None of that is true. So far, we only have 2 examples. Koope Koo who is clearly a bitch, and Ms. Mowz who is an obvious slut.

Koops: Well, we don't know if ...Ms. Mowz is even really a slut...

Goombella: Im sorry, did you not see here smootch Mario like a friggin animal just there!?

Mario: I did. It was hot. She had mouse breath, but still...

Koops: Well... I think she's pretty neat... Her story must be filled with wonder. Filled with romance. I wish we could have gotten to know her more?

Goombella: Are we ready to go and fight Hooktail or what?

A few minor undescribed castle puzzles later, the M team made it to top of the castle and about to be walking up the tower containing Hooktail ready to fight them.

When they all gazed upon the tower, they noticed that the architecture was structured much more stable than what was previously perceived on the map and background of Petal Meadows.

Mario: Wow! This design looks a lot different than what was on the map and from far away! Shit!

Mario: Alright Koops.

Koops: Yeah?

Mario: You're not on facebook right now are you?

Koops: No why?

Mario: Good. Now what I want you to do, is go on YouTube, and play "Holy Diver by Dio."

Koops: Uhh... sure. Why?

Mario: Cause, we're about to fight a giant fucking dragon. And I need 1 of the most epic fucking songs in history to prep me for this battle.

Koops: Oh okay.

Mario: And don't question Dio! He was amazing!

Mario and his pals began marching towards Hooktail's tower as they played Holy Diver by Dio.

Koops: Hey Goombella?

Goombella: Yeah?

Koops: Uhh... You took an Art History class right?

Goombella: What about it?

Koops: Does it say who exactly made this castle? Cause I don't think a dragon would make a good carpenter/ architect am I right? Heh heh...

Goombella: Yeah. I don't know. I was kind of thinking some dragon worshiping reptilian nut jobs must have made it.

Koops: Yeah. Its really weird though... Not as weird as masterbating with your right hand when you're left handed.

Goombella: Uhhh... whatever?

Koops: Yeah cause you see, thats what I do! Cause I'm, you know...I'm left handed and stuff.

Goombella: Okay. You just lost your privileges to talk to me.

Koops: Aww man...

Mario: Alright! Were here! Now some of you might not survive... Koops. But just make sure you all kick ass harder than any of you peeps have ever kicked ass before! Got it!?

Goombella and Koops: YEAH!

Mario: Now lets kick his ass!

Chapture 2 - 6: How to Drain Your Dragon! (A childhood crushing porn parody awaits)

Mario and friends at long last encountered the room containing the Dragon in the flesh ferociously staring at them giving off a aminus stare creepier than the 1 Jack Nicholson did from the Shining.

Hooktail: WHO DARES APPROACH ME?

Koops freaked out as he hid in his shell for dear life.

Mario: Oh god! Already with the high and mighty crap are we? Yeah, We're here to MURDER-FUCK you Hookertail!

Hooktail: EXCUSE ME? DID YOU JUST CALL ME "HOOKERTAIL!?" THAT NAME IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING! I SEE YOU HAVE A DETH WISH SINCE YOU CHOOSE TO MOCK ME SO!

Mario: Well you are a fucking Hookertail! You fucking fly around and eat out Koopa Dick for cheap! Hell, you fucking fly over there yourself! MMMMMM. You must really want the dick do you gay fucking dragon!

Goombella: Will you stop taunting him Mario!

Hooktail: RAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRR! I'M A FUCKING WOMAN DRAGON!

Mario: Oh shit, it was a "she!" Ha! Well the Dragon from Shrek is far prettier than you! Either way, we're kicking your giant red ass till you hand over the dedly star! Were all gonna rape you you hear me!?

Goombella: Mario! Don't say "rape!" She's still a female.

Mario: YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ME NOT BEING OFFENSIVE AT A TIME LIKE THIS!? She's also a giant fucking dragon that practically slaughtered Koops' village!

Goombella: ... Fuck. You're actually right.

Hooktail: SILENCE! YOU 3 THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME!? OVER SOME TREASURE !? A FOOLISH DECISION INDEED I MUST SAY!

Mario: Oh yeah!? Well my whole fucking existence is foolish! But not as foolish as my foot in your ass Hookertail!

Hooktail: OH PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE! YOU REALLY THINK YOU TASTY MORSELS HAVE A CHANCE AGAINST THE LIKES OF ME!? WELL, PREPARE TO FEEL THE WRATH OF HOOKEr- I MEAN, HOOKTAIL!

Mario: You ready to kick some Dragon ass Goombella? And umm... Koops?

Koops continued to hide in his shell like a fucking bitch.

Koops: I'll join later!

Mario: Pussy, Goombella?

Goombella: Ya! Ready when you are!

[EPIC FUCKING BATTLE MODE!]

Battle Music: Night Crawler by Judas Priest

Mario: Power Level 30

Mario: Power Level 18

Koops: Power Level 30

FP: 10

VERSUS

Hooktail: Power Level 105 (first triple digit pl of this series so far!)

Mario: Before we start, I would like to happily inform you with this. You look like a rejected hideous fucking Barney character from some cheesy cartoon version of hell. You must have tried cutting yourself when you found out that you were too fat and ugly to be a cheap groupie for Ancalagon the Black!

Mario deeply offended Hooktail with his trademark insult tactic.

HOOKTAIL: RWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa! YOU, I'M NOT EVEN GONNA EAT! I'M GONNA CHEW YOU UP AND CRUSH YOUR REMAINS AND BURN THEM TILL YOU'RE NOTHING!

Mario: Thats very cute Hookertail! Now are you gonna fight me or cry and bitch all day?

Mario uses regular hammer attack: [1 Damage]

Goombella uses mighty book of knowledge: This is Hooktail. A giant dragon that can attack by biting, stomping, and breathing breath of fire and stank! She hates the sound of crickets. We already knew that… Oh yeah, and has a power level of OVER 100! 105 to be exact.

Goombella: Shit, do you think we even have a chance?

Mario: Of course we do! Just who the hell do you think we are!? WERE THE M TEAM! FOR MOTHER FUCKERS! And were kick that serpent's-

Hooktail uses stomp on Mario: [5 Damage]

Mario: SHIT! THAT FUCKING HURT!

Goombella: Holy fuck yeah it did! Wait, you still have that cricket badge?

Mario: ... I forgot to apply it

Goombella: So, do it now!

Mario: I can't. Battle mode just started and I can't go back to it.

Goombella: ... Great... were fucked now. We're actually fffFUCKED!

Mario: Oh please... We have way more tricks up our sleeves that we haven't used yet.

Mario uses Powerful Hammer Smash of Deth!: [3 Damage]

Goombella: Nice 1! Maybe we do have a chance after all!

Mario: Just shut up and smoke this fire weed.

Goombella: Alright then!

Mario hands Goombella a joint of fireweed.

Goombella smokes a joint of fire weed blowing the smoke like fire at Hooktail: [3 Damage]

Hooktail uses bite on Goombella: [5 Damage]

Hooktail: MMMM YOU'LL BE SCRUMPTIOUSLY DELICIOUS WHEN I SWALLOW YOU WHOLE!

Goombella: AAAAHHH FUCK! How did that not kill me! I don't even know how to counter something that big!

A random cricket started hopping around chirping for every turn making Hooktail disturbed and nauseous

Hooktail: Is that a... CRICKET!? WHAT'S IT DOING IN HERE DURING THE DAY!? I CAN'T EVEN TRACE WHERE IT'S COMING FROM! IF 1 OF YOU CAN, GET THAT THING OUT OF HERE BEFORE IT KILLS ME!

Goombella: Nice try Hookertail! But were taking this battle to the end even if we need to use some good luck along the way!

Mario: Yeah! So you can kiss my ass Bitch-Tail!

Hooktail: RRRRR...

Mario uses the power smash attack on Hooktail: [4 Damage]

Mario: Yeah! Suck on that!

Mario bent down in front of Hooktail as he mooned her by exposing his own ass .

Goombella smokes some more fire weed and blows more fire at Hooktail: [3 Damage]

Goombella: Ha! I can breath fire too! Maybe I'm a better dragon than you bitch!

Hooktail: I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING FIRE!

Hooktail uses flamethrower on Mario and Goombella: [3 Damage All]

The random cricket in the background continued to chirp weakening Hooktail's power level further and further.

Hooktail: AEERR! THAT CRICKET HAS BAD MEMORIES! IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY TO KILL IT!

Goombella: *panting* Mario, I don't I can take much more of this... I'm too high to fight right now, and I feel like if I get 1 more time i'm ded.

Mario: What!? No! Don't say that! You'll make it!

Goombella: Mario. You need to switch me in for Koops… I'm sorry...

Mario: Shit. We ehh... really don't have a choice now do we... fine.

Mario: KOOPS! STOP BEING A PUSSY IN YOUR SHELL AND GET YOUR RETARDED ASS OVER HERE BEFORE I START THROWING YOU AT HOOKTAIL!

Koops: But Mario! I'm afraid! She's killed so many of us… I don't think i'm strong enough anymore…

Mario: KOOPS! You're the only 1 with full health! If you hesitate now, we all might be FUCKED! YOU UNDERSTAND!?

Koops: Ehh… I don't really have a choice do I? Well alright… I'll do my best...

Mario successfully got Koops to fight as he was still a little hesitant about it. He shakingly walked towards Mario.

Koops: Gosh golly, I... I just don't know if I'm strong enough. I mean, he.. I mean, she killed my daddy after all.

Mario: Just shut up, stop the "daddy" bullshit, and help me kill this fucking thing!

Koops: Yes sir!

Goombella switched with Koops.

Mario uses power bounce. That jump where he can jump on the same opponent multiple times before fucking up: [6 Damage]

Hooktail started complaining and moaning as she was almost ded from the viscous attacks.

Hooktail: Okay okay! Stop! I Give up! You win. Apparently, this ol' Dragon cannot drag on no longer... That's why I'll be a good dragon from now on!

Mario: Yeah... Thats bullshit... you're just saying that cause you know you're about to get murder-fucked!

Goombella: YEAH! HOOKERTA- BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Goombella puked.

Mario: Goombella! Now's not the time to be throwing up again!

Goombella: Sorry, liek, I totally smokes way too much fire weed. I feel like a have a green fevor.

Hooktail: NO! FOR REALZEEZ! Look, is there anyway I can prove it!

Mario: Yes. Hand over the dedly star.

Hooktail: The Star of Wrath you say? Hmm... How about I give you 10 coins instead!

Mario: ... Yeah, no thats a fucking rip off...

Hooktail: Hey! That was alot back in my early days!

Koops: You have all this treasure and you'd only give 10 coins!? Sorry, but you killed daddy! Even all the coins in the world won't bring him back!

Hooktail: FINE! How does a rare special ed badge sound?

Mario: I smell the bullshit in that!

Hooktail: K... You wanna buy some ketamine... This some really good ketamine. Its ancient too! Some say that it's high will never wear off. How does that sound?

Mario: ... Well OKAY!

Koops: Mario! NO! He... shes lying!

Mario: Shut up Koops! I know what I'm doing!

Goombella: Mario! That kind of ketamine doesn't even exist! Im high as fuck and I know that!

Mario: Damn. I guess you're right.

Hooktail: Hmm... You don't want to get high? hmm... Wanna fuck then? Free from charge!?

Mario: I was gonna do that to you anyway... When I kill you!

Hooktail: But wait? You like feet right?

Mario: Go on...

Hooktail: Ahhh... I can sense your foot fetishing ways hero. Some say that my feet has the most arousing smell that you can possibly imagine. It can even make you feel somewhat of a life long climax! Does that interest you?

Mario: Okay, you got me that, I would love you smell your feet, I may even do a little more to your feet too.

Koops: NO MARIO! SHE KNOWS YOU'RE EASILY TEMPTED TO DO THINGS!

Mario: ...

Mario ignored Koops.

Koops: Hooktail! At long last, you are finally done for! Your days will soon come to an end as we finally avenge daddy and my lego collection you destroyed!

Mario continued to ignore Hooktail as he began making out with and dry humping her foot.

Hooktail: YOU FOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!

Hooktail bit off Mario's left arm: [3 Damage]

Mario: AHH FUCK ME ARM! IT BURNS AND I CAN'T FEEL IT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hooktail gains 10 HP. Don't ask how that's scientifically possible.

Next Battle Music: Deadly Sinners by 3 Inches of Blood

Hooktail: HAHAHAHAHAA! MY STRENGTH HAS RETURNED TO ME! AND YOU ALL ARE WEAKENED, AND DONE FOR!

Koops: Well IM STILL HERE YOU BITCH! Mario! Are you gonna be alright!?

Mario: *panting* yeah. I'll clearly need to eat some shrooms if I wanna continue to fight this fucker.

Mario ate a shroom growing back his arm half way: [+5 HP]

Mario: Koops, I need 1 more!

Koops: Uhh.. Sure. Won't that get you high though?

Mario: Its okay! It'll hit me in about an hour!

Koops gave mario another shroom to eat: [+5 HP]

Mario's arm fully regenerated like the lizard king!

Mario: I got mah arm back! And now I gained 10 HP TOO BITCH!

Hooktail: I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

Hooktail uses flamethrower: [4 Damage All]

Koops: Wow! That burns!

Mario: No shit. Its fucking fire!

A cricket in the background continued chirping.

Hooktail: AAAHHHH! SOMEONE KILL THAT THING! I SPENT CENTURIES TRYING TO REPRESS MEMORIES OF THAT SOUND!

Mario: The fuck is your deal with crickets anyway?

Hooktail: I HAD 1 LIVE IN MY EAR FOR A WHILE! I WISH NOT TO REVISIT THOSE YEARS!

Mario uses Power Smash of PURE PAIN!: [3 Damage]

Koops uses the last POW block: [2 Damage] Oh by the way, Koops' dumbass just killed the cricket with tha.

Hooktail uses stomp on Mario: [4 Damage]

Mario: AWW! YOU FUCKER!

Hooktail: HAHA! I CAN FEEL YOUR LIFE SLOWLY FADING AWAY! GIVE UP NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

HOOKTAIL: AND I NOTICE THAT CRICKET FINALLY STOPPED CHIRPING! THANK YOU WHO EVER USED THAT POW BLOCK!

Mario stopped to give Koops a condescending stare.

Mario: Son of a bitch Koops!

Mario uses regular hammer blast: [2 Damage]

Koops: HOOKTAIL! IN THE NAME OF EVERYONE YOU KILLED INCLUDING DADDY! YOU HAVE TERRIFIED ME AND MANY MORE FOR COUNTLESS LIFETIMES! AND GUESS WHAT!? THIS WILL BE THE LAST OF YOU! I WILL SEE TO YOUR DEMISE 1CE AND FOR ALL DRAGON!

Mario: That was a little over dramatic...

Koops uses shell slam: [2 Damage]

Hooktail: I'M NOT DONE YET!

Hooktail uses bite on Mario: [5 Damage]

Mario: *panting* Shit... 1 more attack like that and I'm fucked.

Mario: Wait a minute! I got an idea... Frankly said I can use the majical map in some other way... fuck... I forgot how...

Mario uses-

Koops: I'M GONNA KILL YOU DRAGON!

Koops uses a glorious shell slam on Hooktail bouncing off her toe thus uppercutting her hard enough to be fatal: [1 Damage] ha!

Hooktail was in a paralyzed state with no ability to get up whatsoever.

Koops: YOUR TIME HAS FINALLY COME HOOKTAIL!

Hooktail: No... I cant die... Not like this... I still have so many innocent live I wish I could have eaten! So many souls… I can't believe that all I can think about... is all the food I will never eat from this moment on...oooo...it's so cold…everything….so….cold…...…...

Hooktail passed on.

[END OF THE FUCKING BOSS BATTLE MODE YAY!]

Koops: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I… We did it guys! We finally avenged daddy!

Mario: Yeah... I guess we did... hehe.

Koops: I'M SO EXCITED! You like, know that goosebump feeling when you get really excited!?

Goombella: Yeah... Holy fuck... We really almost died that time did we.

Mario: Yeah... I've been through worse...

Koops: Hmm... Well now that Daddy is avenged, I can finally gloat and brag that the most hated Koopa in the entire village kicked Hooktail's ass! They'll have to worship me as I kick all of their asses!

Goombella: I guess... Say Mario, wheres that dedly star anyway? The map says it's located where we are!

Koops spotted some gagging reflex of the dragon's corpse.

Koops: Hey! Whats that!?

Koops and the rest of them noticed a dirty hairy blue shelled Koopa crawl out of Hooktail's corpses mouth covered in gross dragon slime.

Kooply (Age 34): Finally... I'm out of there! Hmmm... someone must have finally killed her...

Koops: WHOOOOAAA! OOOOHHH MMYYYYY MYYYAMOTO IS THAT!?

Kooply: Who are you exactly?

Koops: DD... DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! BLEEEERRRGGG!

Koops puked out of love and excitement on the floor.

Koops ran over to Kooply like a horny school girl and started hugging him tightly and crying all over him. He also kept kissing his cheek all over.

Kooply: Uhh... Who are you exactly?

Goombella: That's Koops... I'm assuming he's your son? Hopefully?

Kooply: OH! Koops! My favorite result of lying about using a condom! You aged quite a bit haven't you?

Koops: Yeah daddy... *sniff* It's been like, 10 years hasn't it?

Kooply: 10 YEARS!? HOLY HELL! How the hell did I survive in there for that long!?

Goombella: Yeah? How did you?

Kooply: Hmm... Well to be quite honest, Hooktail swallowed many koopas whole over the past decade... So between us pals, I had to partake in a little... you know... koopa kannibalism in the dragon's stomach. Yes it was nasty as sin, but you gotta do what it takes to survive sometimes eh? I sure screwed that dragon over did I? ... Don't judge me though…

Goombella: That's for sure!

Kooply: So, I'm assuming you're my sons girlfriend? Hows he banging you?

Goombella: NO! AND HELL NO! YOU SON GIVES ME YOU CREEPS! No offense though...

Koops: So daddy? How well did you do against the fight against Hooktail before she… you know, ate you?

Kooply: Me? Noo... You see... Like I said. 10 years ago, I was going to buy a pack of camel blues right? Well, you see, what I was really doing was-

Koops: Fighting the dragon!? I know that!

Kooply: No Koops... I came over here, cause I payed Hooktail 10 coins for a "good time," and we did the ol' horizontal hump harvest...

Koops: Uhh... I don't get it.

Kooply: Sex. We had sex... I paid for sex.

Mario: Hah! So she really is a "Hooker"tail huh?

Kooply: Yeah... hehe. Thats a good 1 pal! So anyway, while we were having sex, get this, I fell in! I got sucked into that dragon's giant thick meaty dragon cunt... So basically, I somehow reached her stomach and that's how i've been feeding on other Koopas for 10 years that she would try eating…

Koops: Ohh... Daaaddy! What about Koopla?

Kooply: Your mom Koopla's a bitch! I've always been cheating on her. And if you ever get a bitch girlfriend, you should do that same.

Koops: Wow! Thanks for the advice daddy!

Kooply: You're welcome son! I must say, I'm proud that you all killed that foul beast of a whore! Thank you. You all must lend me your secrets some time...

Goombella: Well, thank you... You see, were looking for a dedly star. You know of where it may be?

Kooply: Hmm... Hang on 1 second...

Kooply quickly re-entered the dragon's stomach and pulled out the Star of Wrath.

Kooply: I don't suppose you mean this doohickey right here?

Kooply holds up the Star of Wrath.

Goombella: THATS THE 1!

Kooply: Ah yes... This thing gave me light for the time I spent in the dragon's stomach. If you want, you 3 can keep it.

Goombella: Really!?

Kooply: Yes. Its all yours. You all seem like you can use it more than me right now.

Koops: Wow! how did you know?

Kooply: I simply had the feeling.

Goombella: Oh thank you so much!

Kooply hands Goombella the Wrath Star.

Mario : Well... yes... This is all well and good... Well... all this talk about sex with dragons reminds me... I got a little you know... thing to settle with Hookertail...

Goombella: Umm... What are you doing?

Mario: Yeah... I wasn't kidding about "Murder-Fucking" the dragon so... I'mma go ahead and just... do that.

Goombella: Ah for fuck sakes Mario! We almost died and raping a ded dragon is what you're focused on!?

Mario: Yes! I'm not going back on my word. Know why? Cause I always wanted to have sex with a dragon! I don't give 2 fucks if it's ded or alive! Its the principle! Bestiality and Necrophilia into 1! Am I right fellas!?

Kooply: Well have at it pal! As long as you make sure you don't fall in like I did! Haha!

Koops: Yeah, and don't like, let it void its bauls all over you!

Kooply: Come on Koops... Really?

Koops: Ah... I missed you so much daddy!

Kooply: Ehh.. And stop calling my daddy. What kind of 18 year old still called his dad "daddy?"

Koops: Aww man…

Everyone but Koops started chuckling comically at Koops' social awkwardness.

Mario: Do you all mind!? I'm trying to murder-fuck a dra- WWHHAAAAAHH!

Mario accidently got sucked in Hooktail's ded vadgelly the same way Kooply did.

They all paused from laughing...

Goombella: Is he gonna be alright?

Kooply: Oh yeah... He'll be fine.

Looks like Mario and his strange friends have collected 1 of the 7 dedly stars. Along the way, It appears as if he's actually making friends throughout this adventure despite his inability to get along with people. An evil dragon maybe vanquished, but they have a long way to go before they unlock the ancient treasure behind the 1000 year door! What upcoming journeys for the dedly stars await them? Find out next issue, as we break on through to the next exciting chapture of SUPER MARIO AND THE THOUSAND YEAR DRAMA!

- To be continued

Credits:

Credits music playing: Nervous Breakdown by Black Flag.

Creator: IAMMASTER

Based on a True Game

After Credits:

Goombella: I can't believe we're cutting open this stupid dragon right now cause Mario decided to be a moron again.

Koops: Eh it's not so bad.

Goombella: ...Shut up Koops... just shut up...

You suck if you actually needed these answers.

Answer to Question 1: D

Answer to Question 2: B

Answer to Question 3: C

Answer to Question 4: D

Answer to Question 5: B

Answer to Question 6: Any

Answer to Question 7: A