Yep, I decided to return to this story. Honestly, I wasn't planning to at first. But my friend was curious to see my take on the "other side of the story", so to speak. And honestly, so was I. So here we go. Last chapter was a take on the intro of Minion's Quest, this is a take on the start of the main quest. That's all I really had to say, so yeah. Let's just get started.
It was a peaceful day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Toad children were running around, playing hopscotch, shooting hoops on the blacktop, swimming, playing tag, chasing the ice cream truck. Summer things.
But this is not their story. You don't see anybody making a world famous series of games about them, do you? That's right. They don't.
Rather, we will go somewhere else.
Mario Bros' Pad, Morning
The door to the Bro's home rattled. A second later, the knob turned and in came the residents, home from their latest epic adventure.
"Hello, dear-a ol' house of mine-a. Oh, how I missed you-a." Mario Mario, the Kingdom hero, held his arms open like he was trying to hug the house.
"I'll second that-a," said a higher voice. Of course, Luigi Mario. The green-clad plumber hugged the lamp by the door. "Home sweet-a home."
Home sweet home indeed. A five star hotel their house ain't, but they liked the modesty. It was warm, clean, and had enough room for their belongings.
"Taking over hotels-a? What an idiot-a," said Mario. He plopped himself on the couch and reached for the TV remote.
Luigi sat on the couch too. "I thought it was funny-a."
"Yeah, of course you would-a, weirdo," said Mario. He turned on the TV.
"Better than kidnapping the Princess again-a," chuckled Luigi.
"True-a." Mario smirked and kept thumbing through channels. "He needs some new ideas-a."
Luigi kicked off his shoes, put his feet on the table and yawned. "Good plan or not-a, we did it-a, bro-a." He put his arms together and cracked his knuckles.
Mario hurled their suitcase on the couch and turned around. "Yep, we done did-a."
So they just sat.
And sat some more.
"Mario-a?" asked Luigi.
"Hm?" Mario mumbled, still flipping channels.
"I've been wondering, y'know-a. Since Bowser's uh, outta commission-a now... uh.."
Luigi thought for a second. Mario stared at him. "...you um..."
"Just say it-a," muttered Mario.
"...got something you want to do-a?" finished Luigi.
Mario shot him a confused look.
"You know-a, something special?... Like-a, maybe we could just-a take a break for a week and treat ourselves-a, you know? I think we deserve a little vacation-a!" Luigi's voice perked up. "We could go to Isle Delfino-a! Y'know, eat some good-a seafood, ride the roller coasters-"
"But not in that order-a," interrupted Mario.
"Huh?.. Oh yeah-a. Definitely not-a. We could..."
His older twin yawned and stretched his arms. "Bro, all that-a sounds great-a. It really does-a. But I've already got a perfect idea-a."
"..see some of the local sights-You do-a? What is it?" asked Luigi.
"Oh you'll see-a... Just uh, close your eyes-a..."
LATER...
A private Shy Girl stripper was giving Mario a striptease on the couch, vaulting her, er, "assets" over Mario's fully clothed body. Mario leaned into his pillow and did a V Sign with his right hand.
"Good enough?" she asked.
"You know what?" said Mario, trying to make eye contact. "Just... Uh... move it a lil bit-yeahh, stay there-a. Don't do-a anything... that's perfect-a..."
"Oh okay," said Luigi in a half-sigh. He sat on the other end of the couch, watching in half interest.
"What-a? This is-a my perfect vacation."
"Yeah, but-a... I kinda wanted to do-a something together for once-a."
The stripper leaned into Mario's lap again.
"Yeeeahhh... Come closer..."
"That'll be extra..."
"Aw-a..."
"I just wish... Well..." started Luigi.
Mario wasn't listening, he was too zoned-out now.
"...Can I have a turn-a?" asked Luigi.
"Yeah, sorry bro-a. I paid for... Uhh.." Mario frowned and looked up to the stripper.
"12 hours," said the stripper. "I mean, 12 long, sexyyy hours," she continued in a unconvincing sexy sprawl.
"...Yeah, that-a."
"...You aren't even doing anything."
"Yeah I know-a. It's driving her crazy-a. It's part of the whole game-a. It makes 'em wonder, 'What's he gonna do next-a?'"
"..."
"...Okay, fine-a. I couldn't pay-a for full contact-a."
Much later, in the morning.
"Mama-mia..." The Mushroom Kingdom Hero opened his eyes halfway, just faintly making out the ceiling.
Where the hell am I? He put a hand on his now sore and aching head. He forced himself to sit up and looked at himself. Even though his vision was blurry, he still saw he was naked from at least the waist up. Maybe more, he wasn't sure, the blanket covered him up pretty good. Man, this sucked. Didn't matter how many times it happened.
"W..ha..." He blinked twice and shook his head.
"Hey Mario!"
"Oh-Oh-a were you still sleeping-a?" Luigi waved his arms. "Sorry if I woke you-a up-"
Mario shook his head. As best as he could, anyways.
"Oh, good-a. You've been out-a forever, bro... and you're super-a hungover," Luigi said between bites of toaster waffle.
Mario glanced at the floor and saw pieces of an Italian beer near the couch. Ohhh yeahhhh... that's why he didn't drink much... No wonder he felt like roadkill.
"Did... Did I finish first?"
Luigi's eyebrow arched. "Uh.."
"D-Did I?"
Luigi cast an aside glance at the wall.
"...Y-yeah," he said a few seconds later. "Sure. You did."
The drunken Mario grinned. "Ye-eeah, boyyyy..." he held out his hand for a fist bump. Luigi shrugged and returned it. Around that time, the stripper walked down. She was wearing a cute red sweater, which hung a bit tightly to her chest, because stripper.
"Hey Mario." She yawned and rubbed her eyes.
"Hey.. lil mama... last night... it was bomb-a..."
Her eyes darted back. "Yeah. Totally..." she said.
"It was awesome-a... y'know, jumping in the.. warp pipe..."
The Shy Girl blushed and looked away. Likewise Mario did the same.
"Wait... that wasn't a good one-a... lemme... uh... try again. Uh..."
He tried to come up with a better pun for a few seconds, but his mind blanked out. "Well, uh.. you know-a, what I was talking about-a."
"Yeah, about that... no, you... didn't," the embarrassed Shy Girl said.
"...We... didn't-a?"
She looked at the floor and sighed. "I mean, yeah we did. Sure. We... banged," she lied.
Mario smiled. "Hell yeah-a, we did... run it all-a by me again..."
Oh man, muttered the Shy Girl. "Okay, uh, first we-"
"Hey, miss-a?" asked Luigi. "We have a child here. Please don't, y'know, get into details. I'm sure they're hot and all that, but..."
"Oh you do? So sorry, I had no idea-"
Her peripheral vision caught the Mario Bros' young dinosaur adopted pet/son, Yoshi. He was lying face down on the kitchen floor, eating some of his Goomba Food out of a bowl.
"Oh my god!" She put her hands to her head and squeed. "Is that a Yoshi?!"
"...Yeah-a," said Luigi.
"Can I hug him?"
Luigi scratched his head. "Uh..."
She hugged Yoshi anyways. He couldn't help but look insanely confused. "I just met a real live Yoshi!
"Yeah, you did..."
"I'm gonna tell everyone man."
She skipped out the door, humming a merry tune as she got in the car with her girls.
Luigi chuckled as he watched the car speed away. After it disappeared, he turned back to his brother, who had finally forced himself up. Mario yawned and returned Luigi's glance.
"What you gonna do now-a, Mario?"
"I dunno.. shower-a, I guess..."
"...Good idea." Luigi chuckled and went to the coffee machine and got some coffee.
"Geez-a, I think I sweated a mountain-a," muttered Mario.
"You might want some of this too-a." Luigi handed Mario the coffee.
Mario tumbled on the floor.
"..Yeah, I'll just-a leave this on the bathroom sink-a."
"Thanks-a..."
"Y'know, I also added that half and half-a. I know you like that-a."
Luigi stood around and waited for his brother to respond. He didn't.
"Okay," sighed Luigi. "If you need me-a, I'll be cleaning some of my clothes-a. Just rank as hell, man. Want me to do yours too-a?"
"Sure-a..."
"Okay. Where did you put your cap again-a?"
"In front of the couch-a..."
"Thanks-a."
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
The washing machine was broken, so Luigi had to do it by hand. No matter, that was his preferred method of cleaning anyway. After meticulously scrubbing his and Mario's clothes, he hung them on a clothesline while humming the overworld theme of Super Mario World.
His ear picked up footsteps in the distance; he stopped mid-hum and cupped his hands to his ear.
The footsteps came closer. He turned to the gate. To his surprise, tonight's visitor was...
"It's ya boy, Toad!" Toad helpfully finished for me. The red-capped, blue vested Toad ran up to the green Mario Bro and slid on his knees, playing a quick air guitar solo as he skidded to a halt.
"Yo, Tooaddd!" Luigi leaned back and held up his hand. "Whats up, man? How ya been? Anything cool happen here-a?"
Toad shook his head. "Yeah.. Uh.. Nah. You my boy. You know I yo boy. but..." Toad got up. "I need your bro."
"Oh..." said Luigi. "He's in the bathroom." His head drooped. "I wouldn't bother him if I was you, though-a."
"Cool, thanks!" Toad did a thumbs up and sprinted into the house.
"Dude-" Luigi threw up his hands and returned to the clothes. Guess Toad was gonna have to find out the hard way.
INSIDE THE HOUSE...
Toad skidded to a halt near the table. He bumped into it and knocked over a vase. "YO, MARIO!" he yelled.
The vase broke.
"Aw crap."
"DON'T COME IN-A!" yelled a faint voice from the bathroom.
"MARIO! Jumpy! Wazzup?" said Toad. "Where you at, homeboy?"
INSIDE THE BATHROOM...
No, he wasn't doing that. The shower had done wonders. That and the coffee. Mario felt basically good as new. He wasn't quite sober, but his vision was normal and he didn't feel like a raccoon that got run over. That didn't mean he was ready for conversation.
"Go away-a!" Mario leaned against the counter and ducked into his lap. "I'm... Busy-a!"
But Toad didn't have time. Mario had to hear this. He needed to get him out. But how?
Oh ho ho... He snickered to himself.
"Oh man, this gon be classic..." he switched to his best sappy Princess Peach impression. "Marrioo! It' me, Peeeachhh! " Hard as he tried to contain himself, he couldn't help but chuckle.
BACK IN THE SHOWER...
Mario gasped. "Wah-a! G-Give me a minute-a..." Oh, mama mia! P-Peach?"
"My lovely-" Toad snickered. "-I neeeeeed yooooouuuu!'" His voice broke partway through.
"Alright-a! Come in. Just... Open the door slowly-a.
"Why?" Toad dropped accent. "I-I mean, 'Whyyyy Marriooo?'"
"Oh you'll see-a, baby..."
Toad put a hand over his mouth and opened up the bathroom. "Suprise!..."
He got to see the plumber, and his... uh... plunger? What was he supposed to tell Mario? Didn't matter, he blanked out. Mario reacted similarly, pulling up his towel. They stared at each other for ten seconds, just making occasional awkward noises.
Mario burst towards Toad, tackled him against the floor. Toad shrieked and tried to pry 'im off to no avail.
"WHAT THE HELL-A, MAN?!" yelled Mario.
"I'MSORRYI'MSORRY-"
"You got 10 seconds to explain!" Mario yelled.
"P..Peach..." Toad coughed, fading out of consciousness fast.
Mario halted his uncharacteristically violent outburst. "Yeah-a. That was for her. 6 seconds left..."
"Peach... trouble... Bowser..."
Mario let the shroom go and ignored his head bouncing off the floor. His eyes widened and his throat closed.
"Uh... I'm not... done..."
Mario was gone.
"...That was kinda... Important..." Toad slumped on the floor and passed out.
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE...
Luigi had finished organizing the Bro's clothes. What a chore that was. He plopped himself in his lawn chair, looked at the sky and smiled. Real peaceful day. Classic summer. Not too hot, not too sticky, just right. Not many of bugs were out. The weather you'd just want to sit and do nothing in. He closed his eyes, let his mind drift off...
"I'M COMING, PRINCESS!" yelled the Nintendo mascot, snapping Luigi awake. Luigi turned around, saw his towel-clad brother jump... on the clothesline he just hung up. For some reason.
"Huh?-" That was all Luigi got out before Mario crashed on him and the clothesline. They spun around in a miniature fight bubble; when it subsided, Mario was wearing a horribly jumbled combination of his red shirt and blue overalls on the wrong parts of his body. He didn't notice. He ran like the wind towards the princess' castle, unware that the clothesline wrapped around him was dragging his bro along for the ride.
AT PEACH'S CASTLE...
Mario burst through the doors of Peach's castle. Fair maiden Peach lay in her throne, sobbing, powerless against the menacing King of Koopas. Mario saw Bowser, his fists clenched. He grabbed the clothesline and swung it.
"H-Hey, Mario-a? MARIO-A? What are you doing-" Luigi screamed as Mario swung the rope at Bowser. The noise alerted the Koopa King to their presence; he whipped his head around.
"Mario-" The king grunted as Luigi slammed into his face.
"What the hell was that for-" Luigi and Bowser started in unison. Mario ignored both and propelled his fists into Bowser's face.
"What, you're not even gonna wait-a anymore?" Mario continued to pummel him at rapid-fire speed. Bowser tried to swat him away.
Mario ducked. Hit 'im with a left hook. Bowser's cheek erupted in pain; he spat blood on the carpet.
"Mario-MARIO! Stop-"
Mario slammed his fist into Bowser's eye.
"Stop what-a buddy? Kicking your ass-a? Maybe when YOU stop ruining my-a vacations!"
"I'M-OW-NOT-AAGH-KID-AH-YOUR-OOF-PRINCESS-AUGH-"
Mario held Bowser up by his chin and postponed his punch. "Huh?"
"Asshole," Bowser muttered. Mario punched him.
"Ow! Okay, Okay, I WAS-"
Mario raised his fist again.
"WAS! Not anymore! Past tense!"
Mario lowered his fist. "Oh yeah-a. You just decided to stop-a." He clenched it again. "What, you think I'm stupid-a?"
"A-actually, he's telling the truth," said one of Peach's Mushroom Retainers.
Mario and Luigi both stared at him. "Really?"
"Yeah..."
"..."
"..."
"...Yeah, for real man."
"...Well, what happened-a, then?" asked Luigi, scratching his head. "Can you-a, y'know, 'dump it on us-a'?"
"Well uh... I'm better at just stabbing things, but why not. Yeah. Sure. It was 8:00. We all chilling. We here, we're waiting for the Beanbean ambassadors to come so we can start our union-"
"That was today?" Mario scratched his head.
"...Yeah," said the Retainer.
"..."
"Anyways. They say they wanna ally with us and all that. They lie. Know what they did?" He folded his arms.
"What-a?" asked Mario.
"Stole her voice..."
"..."
"..."
"...Stole... her... voice-a?" Mario put his hand on his head.
"Why-a?" asked Luigi.
"I don't get it neither man." The Retainer chucked. "But they went 'round and replaced it with... uh..."
Peach sobbed harder and her speech materialized into a speech bubble. The others arched their eyes. The bubble turned into a whole lotta... Bombs?
"Are those bombs-a?" Luigi stupidly asked.
They fell to the floor and exploded, set the floor on fire. Everybody backed away. The brothers stared wide-eyed, unable to think of anything to say.
"Right on my scheduled kidnapping day," said Bowser. He gritted his teeth.
Before anybody else could comment, Peach's speech bubbles grew extra large. Everybody looked up and grew wide eyed.
"Oh damn," said Mario.
Everybody made a break for the door, excluding Peach, who was still sobbing, and the Mushroom Retainer.
"Make an explosion if I can quit my job," said the Retainer.
The first bomb fell to the floor and blew out a window and set the dining table on fire.
"Sweet."
PEACH'S CASTLE, EXTERIOR
Mario, Luigi and Bowser sat back to back, watching Peach's castle burn.
"Wow, I can't believe it's still burning," said Bowser.
Silence. "Yeah," said Mario.
The three watched the firemen try to put out the fire, even though all that was left was framework.
"It's like the Kingdoms lost some of it's soul," said Luigi. He wiped a tear from his eye. "Man, I can't believe it-a. That thing was the image of the whole kingdom-a, and somebody just... destroyed it for her stupid voice-a..." Luigi wiped another tear. "I'm not good-a at giving ceremonial speeches-a!..." he burst into tears.
"It blows." said Bowser. He put a hand around Luigi's back.
"Blows so hard."
They watched a fireman trying to put out a fire on his shirt.
"How the hell am I supposed to kidnap her now?..."
Mario sighed.
"...I'm kidding." Bowser added. Fingers crossed.
"Sure-a," said Mario. "And I'm-a kidding when I say I'll keep-a kicking yo ass-a."
"Whatever," grumbled Bowser.
The trio heard soft footsteps approaching; they turned and saw Peach's servant, Toadsworth, walking with his cane and readjusting his monicles. Even though he was well in his 70s, he never lost that vigor in his step.
"Greetings, Master Mario Brothers!" He looked at Bowser. "And you too, I suppose."
"That's King Bowser to you."
Mario sighed. "Hey old man, whats up?" he said, narrowing his eyes.
"It would be amiss if I didn't inquire to your present arrangements."
Mario scratched his head. "My... yeah. I got one of-a... those.."
"...Your plan, Master Mario."
"I..I knew that-a."
"...To rescue our fair Kingdom from our Princess' blight."
"Yeah..." moaned Mario. "I don't got one-a."
Toadsworth's eyes widened. "No plan? You mean, you aren't going to-"
"Hey, hey, hey-a. I never said that-a... I'm just-a..." Mario put a hand to his head. "Tired..."
Toadsworth's eyes quivered. He sighed and continued "Master? Toadstool was discussing giving you something... 'extra' this time," he lied.
Mario's mouth opened. "Uh... huh. C-Cool-a. I..." Damn, did his head always feel this moist? He tried to play it cool but nobody bought it.
Toadsworth chuckled. "And here's a little extra treat for the two of you." He handed over 100 Mushroom Coins.
"...Oh.. maaan-a." Mario sighed. He turned to Bowser. "Wow. I.. I guess we're... Working together. Again."
"Huh?!" said Bowser, raising his fist.
"Well.. You've got the ship-a... and you had nothing to do with this-a, you say..." Mario sighed. "I just thought-a..."
"Mmmn..." Bowser's put his hand on his head and looked away from Mario. "If we are, at least put your damn clothes on right."
"Huh?" Turns out Mario never put his clothes on correctly. He looked at himself. "Man." He chuckled. "So I beat you-a up looking like-a this?"
"Please don't," growled Bowser.
"C'mon man, that was boss-a... Well, I guess not for you-a but... Uh.. sorry-a?"
"Shut up."
"...Alright, geez-a." Mario turned to Luigi and Bowser. "So it's settled? I'll just go get my stuff."
"Meet me back here at uh..." Bowser looked at his watch. "8..9-ish. My ship will be in front of the castle."
"Alright," said Mario.
"Engine powered." Bowser scratched his arm. "Got my face on it. Shoots flames out the rear. Can't miss it-"
"I know what your Doomship looks like-"
"Doomship?" asked Bowser.
"Come on, Luigi-a," said Mario. He nudged his still crying brother.
"I'd like to stay here-a actually." Luigi wiped the tears. "Help everyone move on-a. That's... what a hero would do-a, right-a?" Luigi's voice broke. "Yeah-a, I think so..."
"Yeah whatever," said Mario, not really listening. He scooped up the coins, put them in his pocket and started to trudge back home.
"...I wasn't talking about my Doomship," muttered Bowser.
LATER...
It was 9 PM now. Mario returned to the wreckage of Peach's Castle underneath a shiny night sky. Full moon. The tired plumber rubbed his eyes and started walking to the ship.
"Hey Luigi, I got yours too."
"Huh?"
"I said, I got your suitcase-a."
"Oh. Thanks, big bro. But uh, I'm not coming."
Mario looked at him unamused.
"I told you-a man. I'm helping everyone move on-a."
Mario glared at him.
"'Sides, you don't need me anyways-a. You got this-a!"
Mario still glared.
"I appreciate the effort-"
Mario threw Luigi's suitcase at him and walked to the cruiser, fuming a bit.
Luigi opened his mouth and forgot what he wanted to say.
LATER...
Mario was on the Koopa Cruiser now, after collecting some items on the castle grounds and other boring things you wouldn't want me to describe.
"You're late," said Bowser.
"I know-a." Mario looked at the Koopa Cruiser.
"What the hell were you doing?"
"And uh, what is this-a?" Mario ignored Bowser.
"What... is what?" Bowser scratched his head.
"This thing we're on... uh your... ship-a... It..." Mario shook his head. "It don't look-a like your Doomship-a."
Bowser broke into a cheesy smile. "That's cause it ain't."
"Yeah, that's... what I guessed."
"Guess what it is."
Mario didn't.
"Please?..."
Mario didn't.
"Looks like you want me to just tell you. Fine by me! Its my..."
Bowser did a mini drumroll thing with his hands.
"...My Koopa Cruiser! My own royal party ship! See, look at this, man!"
Mario stared at the ship. It was blue and had Bowser's face on the front.
"Yeah-a... It sure is... a ship-a..."
Bowser's smile turned into a frown. "I thought you'd think it was cool.."
"I guess it's... kinda cool-a..." Mario lied.
"Kinda?" Bowser sighed. "W-What about, er, the... wheels. The.. color... the face thingy on the front..."
"I mean... I kinda wanted to ride in your Doomship..."
"..Well... you kinda destroyed my Doomship."
Mario raised his eyebrows.
"...Last week. When we did that thing with the... you remember."
"Oh yeah... the hotels."
"So we doing this?"
Mario sighed. "Who's gonna bed her first."
Bowser blushed. "Woah, uh, asking the real questions, huh." He fidgeted and started stammering.
"Uhhh... we'll cross that bridge when we reach it." Before Mario could press on, Bowser screamed "TROOPS! Prepare for blastoff!"
Mario and Bowser turned to the courtyard and waited.
And waited.
"Hey, the assembly line's over here!" yelled Bowser.
Much to Mario's surprise, a unit of Koopa soldiers leapt out of the bushes around the castle. "SIR!" they yelled in unison. They assembled, in groups of 5. Except the last group had one missing person.
"Did Joanne get lost again?..." asked Bowser.
"Yeah sir," said one of the Koopas in the front.
Bowser facepalmed. "Whatever. He's on his own now." He took his hand off his face. "Get on, the rest of you. Don't say another word."
The troops got on board without another word. That was that til Bowser saw Luigi waving goodbye with his cap. Bowser's evil senses started tingling; the king rubbed his arms and grew a smile befitting the devil. He turned to Mario, leaned into his ear.
"Watch this," he whispered. "Hey! You!" he yelled, turning to Luigi.
Luigi stopped waving and looked around him. He turned to Bowser and pointed at himself.
"Yeah you. Green Stache! What the hell are you doing?"
"I...I'm waving goodbye-a..."
"Are you sure about that? 'Cause it looked an awful lot like you're trying to join the Koopa Troop."
Luigi's eyes widened. "HELL NAW!"
"Aw, don't be modest! Everyone's welcome here!" said Bowser in a singsongy voice. "Welcome aboard, Green Stache!"
Luigi stood slack-jawed.
"Yeah... Yeah I am! You... you got it sir!" Luigi backed away. "Just... gotta get my... my..." Luigi stopped and put his hand to his chin.
"..."
"...Your?..." asked Bowser.
Luigi turned and started sprinting. He jumped over a bush and blazed through the streets of Toad Town.
"We got a runner!" yelled Bowser. He put down the megaphone and nudged Mario's shoulder. "Check this out."
Mario did, after a second of self reflection. "Initiate Cruiser pursuit!" yelled Bowser. The Cruiser took off and easily caught up to Luigi. A hole opened up in the ships underbelly. Much to the Bros' surprise, an extendable hand reached out of said hole and scooped up Luigi. It retracted back into the ship, carrying the kicking and screaming plumber with it.
Bowser turned to Mario. "So?..."
"I... I liked that-a." said Mario. "I just wonder why you never did that to take Peach..."
Pause. Bowser slammed his fist down and cursed violently.
"Yeah-a, that would have been pretty awesome-a."
"Please, just go to the hold," said Bowser.
"Yeah alright-a." Mario walked to the cabin doors.
"Oh, don't go that way."
Mario stopped midstep. "Why-a?"
"I've got a shortcut for you. Just stay right there."
"Okay-a?..."
Bowser pressed a button, and a trapdoor opened underneath him. Yet Mario didn't fall down? He just stood over the hole?
"...Look down," he told Mario.
Mario did. Gravity turned on and he fell screaming into the cargo hold.
"So STUPID!" Bowser put his hand over his mouth and started laughing.
INSIDE THE CARGO HOLD...
Mario and Luigi lay on the wooden floor of the cramped, worn and not very festive looking cargo hold of Bowser's "party ship" for the better part of an hour.
"Hey, Luigi-"
Luigi let out a long sigh and buried his head in his lap. "I'm not in the mood-a bro."
Mario sighed. "I was just asking if you packed a Switch charger."
Luigi sighed again. "Yeah, I got you-a." He got in his suitcase and handed it over.
"Thanks-a."
Luigi tried to sleep, but before he could the intercom turned on. Not that the water stains on the floor would have been great to sleep in anyways.
"...Shut up dude, I didn't hit my ex."
Mario and Luigi's jaws dropped. They diverted their gaze to the mic and waited for the next words.
"Yeah. Bring it up while I'm turning on the damn mic. Doucheface."
The other guy said something the bros couldn't make out.
"Piss off. Alright?... Hey Mario?... His bro... Uh..."
"Luigi," said Luigi.
"Ruigi. Yeah. Both of you. Report to deck, please. No really, right now. Not a drill."
The bros looked confused. "But we're not supposed to be in the kingdom for..." Luigi checked his watch. "Another half hour-a."
"Yeah but Bowser needs you two. Now."
Luigi sighed. "Alright."
"And uh, did you two hear anything else before I started talking?"
"No-a," the bros lied.
The mic turned off, and Mario and Luigi turned to each other, still not sure what in the hades was going on.
"Let's-a goooo?" said Luigi.
"Okie-dokie, I guess..." responded his brother. They reluctantly got up and headed to the top.
MEANWHILE...
I got tired of following the bros. So let's introduce ourselves to our villains. Our weird, green skinned villians.
Cackletta. Evil bean witch, about 7 feet tall, give or take some inches. Dressed in a purple silk cloak from the neck down to her legs, which brought out her green skin color. A cruel smile that showed off her numerous jagged teeth decorated her face. She sat cross legged in her purple hovercraft, contemplating her latest victory.
Trailing behind her was another weird green bean thing. Fawful. He lacked his companion's imposing height, being a paltry 4 something feet. He was flying with some self-built headgear with twin rocket thrusters on both sides and a glass dome in the middle which held the freshly snatched voice of Peach. Seemed to have an unnatural, freakishly wide smile 24/7.
"Soon," proclaimed the witch, "we'll have the Beanstar. Yes, we shall."
She laughed maniacally. Or at least tried to, she was still working on a good laugh.
"How was that one?"
"Pretty good..." Fawful said. Though his uneasy expression told Cackletta the real answer.
Cackletta rubbed the Indian-style blue bead on her forehead. "I thought that would be the one." She grumbled something and kept cruising.
BACK ON THE KOOPA CRUISER...
"Why do I have to be-a lookout?" whined Luigi, hanging by his legs on a crane hoisted above the Koopa Cruiser deck, scouring the purple, midnight sky with some rusted old binoculars. How did he get stuck there? Something embarrassing in the underbellys that I'm sure he wouldn't want me to repeat.
"Cause you're the idiot who got stuck on the crane, wussface," said Bowser. "Now shut up and do your job before I torch ya."
"Whatever-a," said Luigi. "It's nighttime. What am I even looking for-a?..." His eyes bugged out.
"Hey, bro-a? What's up-a?" said Mario. "You look scared-a. More than usual-a."
"Nice," snickered Bowser.
"I'm not scared-a!" said Luigi.
"Eh? What's with all the hoopla?" said Bowser. He turned back to the coast and saw something. "What in the..."
"Miss?" said Fawful. "That ugly ship behind us is catching up..."
"Ship?" She turned around and noticed the Koopa Cruiser. "Well, does it look like they're following us?"
Fawful nodded.
Cackletta sighed, just as the ship finally caught up and she got to see the confused faces of the brothers and Bowser.
"Uh... Heh heh..." She cleared her throat and resumed with a much more fierce and commanding tone of voice - "Who would have thought you'd ever catch up to the Great Cackletta in a million..." She put up a finger to her lips. "uh...oh-billion years?" Not missing a beat.
"Who the hell are you?" Mario turned to Bowser. "You know this, uh, gremlin-looking hag over here?"
Bowser shook his head.
"Hey! I'm... I'm not that old..." she said.
Everyone on the ship stared at the odd duo.
"I mean... You three aren't gonna be foiling my plan-"
"What plan?"
Cackletta opened her mouth and made a tiny noise. She mentally kicked herself.
"...N-Nothing, just-"
"We aren't getting the Beanbean star-"
Cackletta glared at him and mouthed Stop.
Bowser noticed her vacuum. "Wait... You're the one that stole Peach's voice!"
"Great job," muttered Cackletta.
"Fawful will hold them back, sweet lord Cack-"
"Cut the flattery, just kill their asses."
Fawful paused. "Chortles."
Cackletta muttered "God" and left.
"I have fury!" yelled Fawful.
"Yeah, you've only said it like five times," muttered Bowser.
"So are you actually gonna do anything-a, or?..." said Mario. "Because getting talked down to-a by a mutant... Bean-a... freak thingy isn't on my to do list-a, now or ever."
Though the bean's smile didn't falter, his eyebrows drooped like flowers.
"I HAVE FURY!" He repeated, louder than before. The two thrusters on his headgear creaked up, turned front forwards, and began glowing light green. They blasted twin energy balls at the unaware Bowser, blasting him a few feet back and making him bleed slightly.
The explosion also freed Luigi from the claws, who fell face first on the deck.
"Ow-a."
"Taste the fury of Fawful's CANNONS OF SHILLING!"
Mario opened his eyes and chuckled. "Hey, uh, I know-a I was just ragging on you-a... but that was pretty cool-a."
Fawful beamed up, Bowser groaned.
"Do it again-a," said Mario.
"...Uh, sure."
Fawful shot Bowser again. More blood came out the wound.
"O-one more time-a."
"You suck-"
Bowser got cut off by one more blast.
"I did not think the mighty Koopa King would be subdued so easily."
"Well, I did already kinda beat the crap out of him earlier."
"Heh."
Pause.
"...You're stalling!"
"'Staling'. That would mean I'm scared-a of you-"
"Taste my MUSTARD OF DOOM!"
Mario and Luigi shot each other a confused look.
"TASTE THE FURY!"
He started charging his cannon, but before he could do anything, Mario leaped on his head, kicking him to the deck. He then landed on Fawful and pinned him to the ground with both hands.
"Ow..." said Fawful.
"So, uhh, bean-a thing. You gonna keep-a running your mouth-a, or?... Because your entire existence-a pisses me off-a. Now uh, kindly hop-a back to your dinner plate-a."
"B-But that's not how... The game's played... I.. I'm supposed to attack... Then you attack... T-then..."
Mario looked at him like he was speaking another language.
"T-That's how it happened in Final Fantasy..."
"..."
"So we isn't in a scripted attack route?" said Fawful, picking himself back up.
"...No..." yelled Mario, getting up and starting to walk back to the hold.
"Ahh." Fawful grinned and flew in the sky. His helmet shape-shifted into a giant mouth with a perfect row of shark teeth. The mouth glowed like the cannons before did.
"Go wild... KILL THESE FINK-RATS!"
"What now-a-" started Mario.
The mouth vomited out a barrage of green energy balls, which crashed into the ship, creating miniature explosions. The Mario Bros dodged them all, backflipping over the last for extra effect.
"That everything-a?" asked Mario.
Smoke alerted them to the splotches of flame around the ship. Mario and Luigi looked at each other, then at the ship, which had suddenly stopped. The ship slowed til it came to a halt. Fawful's headgear morphed back to thrusters and the bean blasted off into the sky.
"...Oh man-a," said Mario. He and Luigi shared an uneasy glance as the ship started to tumble...
TO BE CONTINUED...