A/N

Couldn't do it without the team ❤️

Trigger warnings: Character death, graphic depictions of death, scenes that may be distressing to some readers. Please skip italicised section if you believe you may be affected.

Love and hugs to you all xx

Chapter Sixteen: Wide Awake

Bella

xXx

"There's my baby," my mom greets me, a wide smile gracing her lips, her golden skin glowing in the evening sun. She's sitting at her dressing table, her bright orange skirt spilling over the white seat.

I stop behind her and stroke her soft hair, smiling back.

"Are you ready for dinner, nefesim?" she asks, sliding on her gold rings.

I bite my lip. "I'm going to have to give you a rain check...I promised Rose I'd stay over tonight, but I'll be back tomorrow afternoon? We can go for dinner then?"

My mom's face falls, "But we had plans…"

"I know, but...I already had them; I just forgot," I lie.

I had a text this morning inviting me, Rose, and Cilian to a party Maisie Lockwood's throwing tonight on her stepfather's boat in the Hamptons. It's going to be epic; I can't miss it.

"Please, Bella, I really need to talk to you." She searches my eyes, reaching out to touch my cheek, "Don't let me down, baby; you can see your friends another time."

I pull away from her, guilt twisting in my stomach. It turns to anger when I think about her words. Let her down? For having a life? How is that fair?

"Don't try to guilt-trip me...just because Dad won't let you do anything doesn't mean you can force me to hang out with you."

Mom recoils back from me, widening her eyes. "Force...Bella, I-"

I huff at her, "What is it anyway? What's so important you have to tell me?"

"Nothing," she says cryptically. "I just...you know I love you, right baby?"

I roll my eyes, "Of course, mama…"

She strokes my cheek. "Sometimes things don't go as planned and...I just want you to know you are the most important thing in the world to me, and whatever happens, that could never change. Even if I'm not...here."

I frown at her, "Are you going away or something?"

She shakes her head, "Not exactly, but-"

My phone starts ringing, and I look down at it. It's Rose. She must be outside already.

"Be-"

"Mom...I really have to go." I say, starting to back away, "Rose is already here. But...we can do dinner tomorrow, right?"

My mom's expression is guarded for a second before she smiles, "Okay. Dinner tomorrow."

The party is a whirlwind of fun and drugs, and by the time I get back home the next day, I'm hungover as hell and not looking forward to going out to dinner. Charlie isn't home, and neither is SJ and the house quiet. I know Mom must be upstairs, though, because her keys are on the hook, and she never goes anywhere without her multi-colored shoulder bag that's in the cupboard.

I run upstairs, my legs aching from dancing on the yacht all night.

"Mom," I call loudly, walking through her room. I step on something wet, and I frown, turning my head to the bathroom. I can hear the chug of water—she must be running a bath. Did she forget about it and walk off or something?

"Mom, the faucet is on!" I yell, rolling my eyes as I head into the bathroom, my feet making a slick slack as they cross the wooden floor.

"Mo-"

My words catch in my throat and die, every single part of me freezing, an ice-cold chill rocketing through my body.

"Mommy," I whimper, stepping towards the bath. The water is cold, frigid underneath my bare feet, and it's tinged red, her limp arms floating, golden rings glinting from the light above her head.

"Mommy," I repeat the words, but they're barely a whisper. She can't hear me anyway. I know that.

I tentatively reach out to touch her hand. Her wrists lay bared; white muscle under a thick slice, swollen and inflamed and leeched of blood - it's in the water instead, dripping over the sides of the bath, all over my feet. She's cold, freezing.

I lean forwards and turn off the water, the sudden silence in the room deafening. Her eyes stare up at the ceiling, glassy and open.

My knees buckle, and I fall to them with a wet splash, crimson droplets painting my arms and the white of my jeans. They're ruined forever.

I'm ruined forever.

"Isabella...Isabella…" I hear. It's deep, male, coated with a touch of urgency. "Isabella, wake up."

Wake up.

This is a dream.

I'm dreaming.

Awareness flickers. I'm kneeling, and it's wet; my knees feel numb, the tiles of the cold floor pressing sharply into my skin. I know where I am, and the knowledge presses in on me from all sides.

The second-floor bathroom.

"Isabella…"

I squeeze my eyes tighter, even though I know in my head that when I open them, I won't see her, that this isn't happening now, that she's long gone.

There's a wretched sound coming from somewhere, and it takes me a second to realize it's me; that I'm sobbing, the tears running hot and heavy down my cheeks.

A sudden warmth brushes my cheek, and I open my eyes, finding deep pools of emerald green. His fingers fall, and his jaw tightens.

I look past him, my heart aching as I see the empty tub.

"I didn't know you were a sleepwalker. Nightmare?"

I shake my head, shivering. "No, I...memories."

My breathing starts getting faster, and I start in surprise as he moves closer, frowning. "Are you okay?"

My breath is coming out in pants, my vision blurring.

"Isabella?"

I swallow, "I c-can't be in here. C-can't. I can't."

I start hyperventilating, and strong arms scoop under my knees and lift me, my head falling against a hard chest.

"S-s-sorry," I cry.

"Shut up." He walks fast, and I feel the panic slowly start to leave my body as we start ascending the stairs, taking me away from that room, from that floor.

I'm gently placed on my bed, and Masen kneels in front of me, searching my eyes. "Are you okay?"

I stare at him for a second. Not Masen,Edward; that's his real name, what Tommie calls him.

I bark out a slight laugh. "I'm…" I trail off, pulling my knees to my chest and crying. "Y-you can go, you d-don't have to be nice to be."

He sighs, sitting down on the bed next to me. "Why does being in that room make you panic?"

I stare down at the floor, taking a shuddering breath. "Because ... my mom ... died there."

He inhales sharply. "How did she..."

My voice is hollow, "Killed herself."

"I'm sorry."

I lift my head, meeting his green eyes, "Why?"

Edward just shrugs, staring at me. "Because I am," he says simply.

Fresh tears run down my cheeks, and his eyes follow them, a furrow appearing between his eyebrows.

"Just go; I know you hate me," I say quietly.

Edward opens his mouth and closes it. "I...I don't know you. The girl in the hospital today...is that you? Or was that an act?"

"It's not an act."

"Then why...why are you so…"

"Hateful? Bitchy? Horrible?" I offer the tremble in my voice, making me sound pathetic. "Because I wanted you to quit."

"Why?" Edward murmurs. "Am I so bad?"

"It's not-" I sigh, "It's not about you. It's never been about you. It's a game, and I'm really fucking good at it."

"That's all it fucking is? A game? All those shitty things you've said and done?"

"I never meant any of it"–I wipe at my eyes–" It's the only way to get what I want. Tell me honestly, if it wasn't for Tommie, would you have stayed?"

He opens and closes his mouth. "Probably not. I mean, who would put up with that shit."

"Exactly," I say, searching his green eyes, "don't you get it? No one would put up with it; I'm not worth any amount of money; that's the fucking point. You were supposed to leave. Everything I said to you, about your mom...about...I don't think any of that's true, I swear. You're not trash, and your mom isn't…that's not how I feel or what I think. I said what I thought would rile you up, make you angry enough to quit or hurt me and …"

"Is–Bella," I'm surprised at the use of my nickname. "Did someone hurt you?"

"I deserved it." I shrug. "I would have deserved it if you had. It's a price I'm willing to pay."

"Why?"

I sigh, and Edward leans closer, his green eyes burning with curiosity. "Is this about Charlie?"

"I don't...want to talk about it," I mutter. I stare up at him biting my lip. "Edward-

"Masen…" Edward corrects, grimacing. "I don't let...just don't call me that…"

"Okay," I say softly. "Masen, you have to understand that you weren't supposed to stick around. When you did...I just kept trying harder and harder, and it got...I've hated having to be like this with you. The others...it was different. You're different. I know it probably doesn't mean anything to you now, but…I'm so sorry - for all of it." I go to touch his arm and then widen my eyes, flinching back. "Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Relax," Edward says softly, staring into my eyes. "I trust you won't push - you've been careful since..."

My heart aches, and I wipe at my eyes, sniffling. "What I did to you...I didn't know it would...I didn't know, I swear."

Edward's voice is low, "I know. It's fine."

"It's not fine!" I burst out.

"Shit is bygones now, girl," Edward mutters.

"I know I don't deserve it, but can we please start over?" I ask him, my voice thick.

He sighs wearily, leaning back from me and running a hand through his hair. "You've been a fucking bitch, but...I guess you had your reasons. Doesn't make it a good excuse to treat someone like shit, but - I fucking get it. This isn't about me. It's about your dad. Anyone that gets hurt in the middle, fuck it, right? Sometimes you have to be a little horrible to get your way…" He says the last part mockingly, repeating my words from the hospital.

I stare at him, biting my lip. "You were supposed to quit; I didn't know about Tommie."

Edward meets my eyes, the shocking emerald making my breath catch. "Would it have changed anything?"

I sigh, "Yes, Edward. I-"

Edward glares at me, and I shift, "Sorry...Masen. I know you won't believe this, but I'm really not a bad person. Of course, I wouldn't have acted like this if I knew you were working here to help your brother."

He's silent, and I can see all over his face that he doesn't believe me. I don't blame him; I can't blame him.

"I'll stop," I say softly.

Edward moves and lies back on my bed, staring at the ceiling. "You already stopped, didn't you? After what happened last week? Your efforts have been half-assed since."

I lie back next to him, keeping a space between us. "Yeah."

"Why?"

"It was always...kind of fun, being a brat," I admit quietly. "The guys that did this job...well, they're exactly like Demetri, a black hole of charisma, ready to fall on a sword at my father's feet, chomping at the bit to please him. Didn't give a fuck about me or…"

Edward's head turns to mine, and he snorts, "You think I give a fuck about you?"

I smirk at him, "Is that what I said?"

He gives me a cheeky grin, that same one I've always wanted from him, and I feel a weird warmth spread in my stomach.

"The point is, those guys didn't stick around long enough for me to feel bad," I say, chewing on my lip. "Yeah, they probably walked away thinking I was a massive cunt, but...that was the point. And what's a stupid teenage girl going to really do to someone anyway? I don't have the power to fuck up anyone's life. Maybe they'd feel fucked up about it for a week or two, but then it'd be forgotten."

Edward's silent for a while, and when I turn to look at him, he's staring at me, leaning on one arm.

"Look, I saw a different side to you today," he mutters, "and I don't hate you, Bella, even though I probably should."

"You don't?" I ask, surprised.

"I mean, I don't like you," Edward sniggers, "but no, I don't hate you. You're just a kid with a fucked-up home situation."

I bristle, "I'm not a kid. Besides, wouldn't that make you a bit of a creep? Seeing as you practically salivate over my tits."

Edward smirks at me, "They are nice tits, but...salivating? Hardly, princess. I don't exactly lack company."

I roll my eyes, "You want to fuck me, just admit it."

Edward laughs, a soft, light sound I haven't heard him make for me before. "Nah, that's your fantasy, not mine."

"Whatever," I scoff. "For the record, I don't like you either."

"Liar," Edward says playfully. "Look, if the girl I saw today is what you're really like, not the massive bitch you've been since I started, I might grow to tolerate you, but I'm not here to be your fucking friend. I'm here to protect you. We can try and start over, but will you actually let me do my fucking job?"

I nod, swallowing. "Until Tommie's better, then you'll quit, right?"

"Try to fucking stop me…" Edward snorts. "This isn't exactly my idea of a good time, Isabella."

"It's Bella. If we're going to be cordial, you can call me Bella."

Edward rolls his eyes. "Fine. Do you need to say one more Fido to get it out of your system?"

I grab a pillow and smack him in the face with it. "Fuck you, Fido."

His muffled laughter comes from the pillow, and he gets off the bed, throwing it at me.

"You, okay?" he asks, tilting his head.

I nod, sitting up and hugging my knees to my chest. "I'm good. I'll just draw for a while. I won't be able to sleep."

"Okay," Edward says slowly; he starts to leave but then turns around, putting his hands in his jean pockets. "Thank you - for...with Tommie, today. Thanks."

"You don't need to thank me," I state quietly.

Edward shrugs and then leaves my room.

I stare after him, unable to help the small smile that stretches across my face.

xXx

The bell rings, and Cilian grabs both of our bags, slinging one over either shoulder. I grin at him, and he winks as we stroll out of the room.

"School is so boring when you're not here," Cilian comments, his warm hand brushing mine. I tangle my fingers with his, and he hums, rubbing his thumb against the back of my hand. "I never thanked you for …"

"Yes, you did," I interrupt, squeezing his hand. I glance over at him and frown at the expression on his face. "Cil, it was worth getting suspended for. Besides, it's done."

"But your record…"

"Shut up." I roll my eyes. "I know how you can make it up to me, though…"

Cil grins, tilting his head, his blue eyes searching mine. "Yeah? Um...actually, I wanted to talk to you about that."

We stop at our lockers, and I unlink our hands, turning to face him with an arched eyebrow.

"I didn't mean a sexual favor, for the record," I say, with a smirk.

Cilian sticks his tongue out. "Yeah, but you wouldn't say no, would you, baby girl?"

I poke his chest, and he grabs my hand, staring down at it with a frown.

"What is it, Cil?" I ask him, stepping closer.

"I…" he swallows hard. "I think I really like Jasper."

"Cil," I say softly. "That's awesome; why do you look so worried?"

"Because I've never…" he sighs, and I slip into his arms, wrapping mine around his waist as I stare up at him.

"Talk to me," I murmur.

Cilian stares into my eyes for a second before he bends his head, resting it on my shoulder. "I've never dated anyone before. What if I fuck it up?"

"You won't," I reassure him, stroking up his back. "You're amazing, Cil, and so is Jasper; you guys will be perfect together."

"But what if…" Cilian's voice gets even quieter, "I know it's stupid, but...what if Jasper and I stay together after high school and...I end up being with a guy forever? I mean, I always...it's not what I thought I'd…"

I hug him tighter, and he takes a shaky breath against my neck. "I just kind of figured it would be a girl I settled down with, that one day I'd have kids and the traditional wedding and shit, you know?"

"Listen, Cil," I say softly, cupping his cheeks, so he's staring into my eyes. "I know it's scary that you might not be doing things the way you imagined, but fuck convention. You feel like you want those things because that's what's always been drummed into you. But you have to let go of that. You like Jasper, right? He makes you happy?"

"Yeah," Cilian nods, his eyes stormy.

"Then that's all that matters, babe," I tell him, smiling. "And if you do end up marrying Jasper, then I'd better be your fucking best-whatever."

"Best-bitch?" Cilian teases half-heartedly.

"Always and forever, baby." I grin.

Cilian cups the back of my neck. "I love you so fucking much, B."

"I love you more," I say, leaning in and kissing his cheek.

We hug for a bit longer, and Cilian squeezes me tightly. "We won't lose this, right? Even if we're not messing around?"

"Of course not," I mumble into his chest. "You're one of my best friends in the world."

Cilian hums and kisses my head, grinning at me. "What are you gonna do when your bodyguard gets you horny now?"

I snort. "Cilian, meet hand," I say playfully, holding up my fingers and wriggling them.

Cilian laughs loudly, kissing my wrist and letting me go.

I see Jasper walking towards us, and I smile at him, "Hey Ja-"

He pushes me to the side gently, grabbing Cilian's shirt and slamming him back into the lockers, kissing him fiercely.

There are gasps around us from other students and some amused titters. My mouth drops open when Cilian grabs Jasper by the throat and spins them around, pushing Jasper into the lockers as he takes control of the kiss.

Cilian pulls back and I burst into laughter at the expression on Jasper's face, his eyes hooded, and mouth parted in lust.

"Well, that was quite the display," I say playfully.

Jasper's eyes flick to mine, and he looks sheepish, gently pushing Cilian off him. "Um, sorry. I just…" He turns to Cilian, running a hand through his short hair. "I really like you, Cil. And I …" Jasper swallows, his face scrunching up adorably. "I don't want you to sleep with Bella anymore."

I can't help the smile that plays at my mouth, and Cilian laughs softly, wrapping an arm around Jasper's stomach and pulling him back into his body. Jasper's breath catches, and Cilian presses his mouth to his ear, murmuring something.

I glance away to give them some privacy, grinning so much my cheeks hurt.

"Sorry, Bella," Jasper says suddenly.

I look back at him, and he's staring at me with a worried expression, "I didn't mean to push you out the way like that."

"Hey, don't worry," I soothe, smiling at him. "I get it."

"Apparently, he's a jealous little thing," Cilian murmurs. My eyes flick to his, and he smirks at me.

"Apparently." I laugh.

Jasper bites his lip, and I frown at him. "Jas...are you uncomfortable with the fact that we...do you not want me to hug him anymore or..."

Cilian stiffens, and Jasper grabs his arm and smiles at me. "I'm not uncomfortable," he says softly. Cilian relaxes, kissing Jasper's neck. "I just don't want you to mess around with each other."

"We haven't been together since...the three of us, anyway," I say, shrugging.

"Oh," Jasper says, twisting and glancing at Cilian.

Cilian arches an eyebrow at him. "That surprises you?" he asks playfully, tugging at Jasper's tie. "As if I'd have any energy left."

Jasper snorts, and they share a look that makes my cheeks heat up.

I shift, and Cilian smirks at me with a knowing glint in his eye.

"Okay, so now that's all sorted…" I state, grinning, "Cilian and I actually have to get to class. Unless you want to demonstrate how he's yours again, Jas?" I wink.

"Please do," Tracie Chambers comments from her locker, grinning at Cilian.

I cackle, and Jasper groans quietly. They kiss, and then Cilian picks up our bags from the floor and slings his arm over my shoulder, his eyes fixed on Jasper.

Jasper smiles at us and walks in the other direction.

I stare after him, biting my lip. "You don't need to test him," I tell Cilian, elbowing him lightly.

"But I do." Cilian shrugs, "A little bit of jealously, I don't mind. I mean, I have been fucking you since we were thirteen, but you're also one of my best friends in the fucking world. I can't have him freaking out when I touch you."

I hum. "I guess."

Cilian chuckles, "Have to say, I like him jealous; that was fucking hot."

"It really was."

Cilian grins down at me, "You know you're always welcome in our bed."

I shove him playfully, walking ahead.

"You can bring the bodyguard," Cilian calls behind me.

I give him the middle finger and giggle when his arms wrap around me, and he lifts me off my feet, both of us laughing as we walk into class.

xXx

Edward's leaning against the limo when I walk out of school, and I stroll up to him, frowning at the expression on his face. He looks agitated, heavy bags under his eyes.

"Hey," I greet.

"No suspension today?" he asks, arching an eyebrow.

I sigh. "I guess I just wasn't bad enough." I shrug, smirking. "There's always tomorrow."

Edward's lips curve up at the left corner, and he opens the door for me. I brush past him to get in, and the musky scent of his aftershave causes something in the pit of my stomach to curl. He gets in the car after me, sitting opposite.

"Shop, please S," I state.

Edward murmurs that it's okay, and I scowl. He arches an eyebrow at me, and I raise the partition. I don't want Stevie to know I'm suddenly behaving myself.

"That scowl for me?" Edward asks, tilting his head.

I shake mine, crossing my arms and leaning my head back on the seat.

Edward hums. "It's a control thing for you, isn't it?"

I lift my head and stare at him. Electric green eyes meet mine, and I ignore the jolt that goes through me. "Don't try to psychoanalyze me; I'm not your standard psychopath," I say playfully.

"Oh, you're special, huh?" Edward banters back, his lips twitching.

"One of a kind," I state, grinning at him.

His eyebrows furrow, and he leans back in his seat, staring at me.

"What?" I ask, crossing one leg over the other. I don't miss the way his eyes dart to my lap and back up, and I smirk at him.

Edward rolls his eyes. "Just still getting used to...this," he gestures to me.

"The limo?" I offer, fighting a laugh.

Edward bites his tongue. "Has anyone ever told you you're annoying?"

I pretend to think about it, "Today?"

A tiny laugh leaves his mouth, and I grin, leaning my head back. Edward shifts in the seat, his foot tapping on the floor.

"What's wrong?" I ask him softly, staring up at the ceiling.

"Huh?" Edward asks.

I play with the hem of my skirt. "You seem agitated. What's the matter?" I sit up suddenly. "Is it Tommie? Is he okay?"

Edward stares at me for a second and then crosses his arms, his jaw tightening. "Don't want to talk about it."

"Do you want to go see him? I can cancel my session."

Edward stares at me in surprise. "What?"

I grab my phone, opening my messages. "It's no big deal. We can take him for ice cream or something. Let me just text Daniel that I…"

My words trail off as a warm hand suddenly wraps around mine, gently tugging the phone from my grip. Something hot spikes in my belly at the feel of his fingertips against my skin, and a shiver goes through me when I look up and meet Edward's eyes.

"He's with Ricko, and he's fine for tonight," Edward says, staring at me with a curious expression.

"Okay," I manage to say, "Well, anytime. Just tell me, and we'll go see him."

"Thank you, Bella," Edward murmurs.

I go to grab my phone and then hesitate. Edward sighs softly and places the phone in my hand, gently grabbing my wrist. I look up and find his intense green eyes inches away from mine. "I really appreciate you trying not to touch me, but you don't have to worry if it's just an accidental one, okay? Just don't ever touch me from behind, and don't ever grab me. Always touch me where I can see it coming."

I nod and then bite my lip, wanting to lighten the moment, "How much touching are you expecting us to do exactly?"

Edward laughs, letting go of my wrist. "Just promise me that if I pull away or tell you to stop," Edward studies me warily.

"You know I'll stop," I tell him softly.

He nods. "Yeah, I think I do."

We pull up outside the shop, and Edward stops me just before I open the door. "Bella, that money you gave Phil for your mom's charity. That's from this?"

I nod, and Edward bites his lip. "I was all wrong about you, wasn't I."

"You saw what I wanted you to see," I say quietly. "You can paint your face, and your words, and your actions to look nothing like your true self, and people will believe it because that's who we are. The human race takes everything at face value. Some people pretend to be different, but they're lying. If you see good in someone, it's because they're letting you."

Edward frowns, opening his mouth, and I shake my head at him. "Don't say anything."

I get out of the car.

Progress :)