Hey guys, I hope you're doing well! All I can say is get ready for some feels. See the disclaimer section below for a fairly major content warning of things that are mentioned and lead to said feels.
Gonna reply to reviews on the previous chapter, thanks so much for the love and to everyone who reviewed!
Guest: Thank you! ^-^
Tessa Jane: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed that chapter, despite it being shorter, and I'm touched that you felt my writing was able to transport you directly into the story :)
Disclaimer: I do not own the Embassy Row series and all the characters (except for Tanner and Jordan and Alexei's Moscow friends, who are my own creations). They belong to Ally Carter. I am merely using her characters and plotline to create this fanfiction. I have no intention of profiting off the Embassy Row series in any way. This fanfiction is purely for entertainment purposes and would not exist without Ally Carter's wonderful works.
The events that happen in this fanfiction are not meant to be representative of real life. Any similarities to any real-life events or fictional works is purely coincidental and not intentional (with the exception of the original Embassy Row books by Ally Carter since this fanfiction is literally Take the Key and Lock Her Up but from Alexei's, not Grace's, perspective). The character's actions may not always reflect my own opinions or views. Based on what is mentioned in this chapter (spoiler alert), I do not condone child abuse or physical abuse, child abandonment, false incarceration, explosive use, or breaking into guarded institutions.
Content warning: moderate to major
This fanfiction is rated T, for suggestive themes, language, and violence. This chapter contains mild language, religious themes, and mentions of child abuse and physical abuse, child abandonment, loss of a parent, explosives, mental illness and trauma, false incarceration, and breaking into guarded institutions. Please read at your own discretion.
Chapter Thirteen: My Mother's Son
I stared out the window as the car rolled down the narrow highway, retracing the path we had taken to get here. My mind spun at a million miles per minute, trying to comprehend what I had just seen. My mother, her face staring back at me through the window of one of Binevale's cells. How was that even possible? What had she even done to end up there? How come no one had told me? Those questions, and so many more, spun through my mind, threatening to eat me alive.
I thought back to my father's phone call, during our last day in Moscow. He had asked about my mother and knew she was staying in some sort of facility. If Binevale really was a psychiatric hospital, then would that count as a facility, of sorts? Had my father known all along that she was there? Based on what I had heard, it seemed like he hadn't. Yet, there was still the possibility he had played in a role in her departure but ultimately had no idea where she ended up.
I couldn't stop myself from thinking back to that fateful day ten years ago, the day my mother disappeared. I played it over and over in my mind, how one day, she had suddenly left and was nowhere to be seen. My father pretended that nothing was wrong as he went about his day. I ran all over the embassy, crying for my mother. My father had beat me hard that evening, telling me to man up and get over it, to stop crying because she wouldn't be coming back. I cried in Mikhail's arms that night, as he held me close. I asked him what had happened to my mother and he simply shook his head, saying she wasn't well and had to leave. I asked when she would be coming back and he said he didn't know. I tried to keep it together in front of my father, knowing he'd beat me for showing my emotions. But for many nights after, I would cry in Mikhail's arms, until I had cried myself to sleep. Somehow, I think my father still knew, seeing my tear-stained cheeks and red, puffy eyes in the morning.
Every day, I kept wishing, praying, that my mother would come back soon. But as the days passed and my mother continued to remain missing, her absence lingering like a ghost in the embassy hallways, it became more and more evident that she wasn't ever going to return. Over time, I had learned to pretend my mother's disappearance didn't bother me, hiding my emotions deep in the recesses of my mind, burying them at the bottom of my heart. That didn't make it hurt any less though, wondering if I had done something to drive my mother away.
I honestly didn't know what was worse, my mother being in a psychiatric hospital or a prison. Thinking that my mother had initially been imprisoned, after that phone call, I thought she absolutely deserved that sentence, regardless of what she had done. However, after living as a fugitive for nearly eight weeks, I knew that not everyone who was threatened with jail time had done something wrong. I was living proof of that. So there was the chance my mother was imprisoned for a crime she didn't commit. I couldn't help but think how ironic it would have been if I had been sentenced for Spence's murder. Like mother, like son, I supposed.
But what if Binevale really was a psychiatric hospital, like Grace had mentioned, and not a prison like all those childhood tales had made me believe? If so, was it possible my mother had been mentally ill? What about my mother possibly could have justified that? Did she have some sort of mental illness that I never knew about as a child? Or had she slowly lost her mind over the years, to the point of losing her sanity?
My memories of my early life were foggy at best but I remembered moving to Adria when I was three. Soon after that, my mother had started acting funny. At the time, I wasn't sure what was happening to her, only that something didn't seem quite right. There had been times where I had found her huddled in a chair or curled up on the floor, muttering to herself about things I couldn't comprehend. But there were other days where she'd seem to be her normal self again, so full of energy as she took me out to play all day and bought me so many treats and toys. As a child, those were the days I had lived for.
Looking back, were those the signs of her losing her mind, of something overtaking her? Was that when she realized people were onto her and started becoming more paranoid? Had she willingly admitted herself to Binevale, not wanting her only son watching as she descended into insanity? Or had someone dragged her there, locking her up against her will? Based on what I had seen earlier, Binevale didn't seem like the type of place one would willingly send themselves to. It honestly looked like both a prison and a psychiatric hospital, where people were sentenced for losing their minds. But what could my mother have possibly done, to deserve that harsh of a sentence?
I thought back to the letter she had left me. She had said that people were onto her, for uncovering secrets and that she had to leave to protect me. But thinking about it now, had she left to protect me from her own mind, or to protect herself from the people who questioned her sanity? And what kind of secrets had she discovered? The information about Amelia's lineage that I was now privy to, thanks to Grace? I didn't know of anything else in Adrian history as earth-shattering as that.
It was one thing for Grace to dig and find it. After all, it was her own lineage, something she deserved to know. But it was an entirely different thing for my mother to dig and discover that, since, as far as I knew, it had nothing to do with her. If that was what she had uncovered, then she definitely deserved her punishment for digging into things unrelated to her. Had she lost her mind because of what she discovered? Or had losing her mind made her frantic enough to dig? Either way, I would never know. The one person I so desperately wanted to talk to about this was long gone and as a result, there was so much I would never know about my mother. She had been gone for ten years, more than half my lifetime, and was essentially a total stranger now. I had learned to live just fine without her, after she had cruelly left me. And now, by some terrible twist of fate, she had reappeared in my life.
I wasn't particularly religious. But if, by chance, there was some higher power out there, then they were really unjust and unfair and cruel. Why would my mother suddenly reappear in my life now? When I had long since moved on and buried the pain, shouldering the trauma day after day? When I had left that part of me, the innocence and the fun, behind, reassembling the remaining broken pieces into a cold, cruel heart? What god could possibly think that was okay? To reopen those wounds after I had done everything in my power to close them up, to reconcile my own pain and suffering and move on? I felt like my seven-year-old self again, wondering what I had done to deserve this and why this was happening to me. I didn't understand it all that well back then. Maybe it was a blessing that I didn't, that I hadn't lost that innocence and purity, like I had now.
Despite the fact that my mother hadn't been physically present in my life for a long time, that still didn't stop her memory from haunting my waking thoughts and my worst nightmares. Over time, it happened less and less. But every once in a while in my dreams, I'd still be transported back to the day my mother disappeared, running through the embassy looking for her, only for her to re-emerge as a supernatural creature or ghostly being. Those nightmares never failed to leave me waking up gasping, screaming for air in a cold sweat. A shiver snaked down my spine, a shaking chill seeping throughout my entire body at the mere thought of them. If my life had been a nightmare before, it was a living hell now, one I feared I'd never escape.
Eventually, the car slowly rolled to a stop. I looked up, a tiny cottage in front of us, lit up by the dim headlights of the car. There weren't any neighbouring houses, just endless stretches of trees.
"What is this place?" Noah asked. The cottage looked like something straight out of an animated Disney movie, maybe Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. Megan didn't say anything, merely getting out of the car. We gathered our belongings from the trunk before following Megan onto the porch, where she expertly dug out a key from a hidden panel in the wall.
"When we moved to Adria, my mom sat me down and made me memorize fifty phone numbers and twice as many addresses. This is one of them," Megan said, opening the door. However, she paused by the door frame, watching, waiting for something, some unknown threat. All I saw inside was darkness, hearing nothing but silence.
"What is it?" Noah asked.
"It's a safe house," Megan said.
"But what kind of safe …" Noah trailed off as Rosie fearlessly walked inside, turning on the lights. The light bulbs crackled as they slowly lit up, a clear sign no one had stepped foot in this house for a long time. Stepping inside, I understood why this house had earned its right as a safe house. Tons of lethal-looking guns were neatly lined up on one wall, ready and waiting for battle. The other wall was covered in maps, with ancient-looking computers sitting on a table in front of them. This was like the Society's headquarters, non-descript on the outside but absolutely lethal inside.
Megan merely shrugged. "What can I say? Safe. House."
Noah walked on, peeking into an adjacent room. "Is that a shower? Please tell me that's a shower."
"Megan, should we be here?" Grace asked, uneasy. Given how sketchy this place was, it almost seemed like we weren't supposed to be.
"Do you have someplace else to be?" Megan retorted. That was a valid point. We certainly couldn't head back to Adria now, not when it was getting late.
"What happens now?" Rosie asked, undeterred by the uncomfortable presence filling the house by the second.
Luckily, Noah broke the silence, taking a few tentative steps forward, venturing further into the house. "Now we sleep. And we eat. And we try to figure out what comes next." I was grateful he had stepped up to take the lead and be the voice of reason. Normally, that would have been my role. However, I couldn't think straight, not with the mess inside my head.
"Yes!" Rosie exclaimed, way too happy for someone who had just travelled all day and learned some earth-shattering news. "Exactly what is the best way of breaking a woman out of a former Soviet mental facility? Explosives? I think it might be explosives."
"There can be no explosives, Rosemarie," I said, stepping in before she could get carried away.
"Of course there can be," Rosie continued. "I saw some in that cabinet over –"
"My mother is in there for a reason!" I snapped. The world shook in front of me, an earthquake before my very eyes, where all I saw was red. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down but the world just continued shaking. The thoughts had been churning in my mind for the past couple hours and now, they were threatening to unleash themselves. I forced myself to take another breath, to stop the storm before it happened in front of my friends. They had already seen me explode once, with Spence earlier in the summer. I didn't want it to happen again because I knew whatever I ended up targeting was not going to come out unscathed. I took a third deep breath, focusing on the main thoughts that kept coming up inside my head.
"She is in there for a reason," I said, slowly and calmly, as if saying it that way would let it leave my mind. "That is where we found her. And that is where she will stay." Yes, these were the facts. My mother was to stay in Binevale because of what she had done all those years ago. End of story.
"Alexei –" Rosie started.
"This is not a debate." I had just stated the objective facts, plain and simple. That was how it was and how it would be. Nothing was going to change so why would they dare to argue me on that? "Whatever she did, she should stay there. People get sent to Binevale for a reason. She deserves it." How could they not see that my mother was never going to leave Binevale? Only the lowest of the low, the worst of the worst got sent there. Whatever my mother had stupidly done or falsely incriminated herself of, it was obviously bad enough that she deserved to rot in hell. And Binevale was as good a place as any for those wretched sinners.
"I deserved it." I snapped back to reality, finding Grace rocking in place. Did she just say what I thought she did? Had she been unjustly imprisoned in Binevale, for what had happened with her mother three years ago? As I watched her, rooted in place, desperately trying to fight her demons, that statement kept resounding in my head, settling like a cold, horrible truth. And in that instant, I knew what had really happened to her.
"We should get you back to Dominic," I said, turning towards Grace. It was easy to shift into the responsible role, now that my thoughts and worries were directed away from my own problems. Getting Grace to Mexico was the right thing to do, where we could heal mentally until we were ready to return to Europe.
I turned to face Megan, Noah, and Rosie. "You need to return to Adria now. Forget about us. Stick to your routines and your embassies. There are no answers here." The more we kept digging, the worse it would get. I wanted to leave this where we found it and keep those horrible truths buried, like they were supposed to be.
I stepped towards Grace, wrapping my arms around her, holding her close to stop her from shaking. I started thinking of how to best convince her to go to Mexico with me when she pulled away from me, stalking to the other side of the room, as far away from me as she could be.
"No". No what? That word resounded throughout the room and in my mind. Was she not in the mood for physical contact? Or was it something else, something deeper?
"Grace?" Noah tentatively asked, slowly making his way towards her. "Are you okay?"
"No!" Grace snapped, before turning towards me. The look on her face was murderous, her anger directed at me. A pang of hurt ran through me, as I wondered what I did to make her mad and what I could do to make it better. "My mom came here. And if there's a chance that your mom knows why, then I am going to take it."
"You don't understand, Grace. People do not get sent to Binevale by accident. Whatever she did to end up in that place …" Perhaps Grace's situation had been more complex but I couldn't stop thinking about the key facts in this situation. My mother had done something bad and absolutely deserved to be in Binevale. Thus, she was likely to be untrustworthy and there was no point in getting her to talk.
"Oh, and no one has never been imprisoned unjustly?" Grace challenged. "Besides, criminal or not – crazy or not – I don't care. I have to talk to her. I am going to talk to her. I don't care what it takes." In being so caught up with my own issues, I had forgotten we had come here because of Grace's mother. Everything we had done so far had been for them, to solve that mystery. The mystery of why my own mother was in Binevale just happened to be a little hiccup along the way, as much as I loathed to call it that. I couldn't let my own drama detract from Grace's mission. And knowing her determination, she was going to do everything in her power to find out what had happened to her mother, even if that meant going to a guarded facility and speaking to someone who was even more dangerous.
Megan was shaking her head, although with the hazy, faraway look in her eyes, she was clearly running calculations in her mind.
"It didn't look that secure," she finally said. "I hate to say it, but I think Rosie might be right."
"I'm standing right here," Rosie said pointedly.
"It's old," Megan continued, the words slipping out of her, her mouth struggling to keep up with her mind. "Unless they've spent a lot of money upgrading it, then the walls should be fairly breachable. And there weren't a ton of guards. If we watched for a few days and mapped their patterns, then there might be a window of opportunity. Of course, there might also be a fortress and an army hidden underground or something, but … I kind of think we could do it."
Noah vehemently shook his head. At least one of us had morals. "Just to be clear, by 'it', you mean break someone out of a Cold War-era, former Soviet facility that is so infamous and scary and generally feared that it has become a bad nursery rhyme that people use to scare children? Also, though I hate to point this out, we are children." He definitely had a point. Although I was the oldest of the five of us, turning eighteen in less than a year, I was still technically a child. There was no way we, a bunch of literal children, could hack our way into a legendary prison and make it out unscathed.
"Nursery rhymes usually start with the truth," Grace said. Unfortunately, we had just discovered how much of the truth was embedded in all those old Russian fairy tales.
"That doesn't make me feel better," Noah eeked out. I had to agree with him. Just because Binevale was legendary enough to become folklore didn't make it any less creepy or life-threatening.
"I'm just saying that I don't think it's impossible," Megan said, throwing up her hands in exasperation. So maybe a small part of her thought this was crazy. Suddenly, it made me realize just how absurd this whole situation was. I couldn't stop myself from laughing.
"What is it?" Megan asked, turning towards me.
"People don't get sent to Binevale because they're dangerous. They get sent because they're the kind of people no one is going to come looking for." Binevale was where people were sent to disappear. No one ever visited. And if we rolled up to the gates, completely serious about wanting to visit one of the prisoners, the guards would merely laugh their heads off as they turned us away. It would be a story they'd tell over and over in the break room. Even if we did manage to pull this off, the guards likely wouldn't let us get very far, purely because of how ridiculous it'd be.
"So explosion?" Rosie asked. "Or helicopter. Because –"
"We don't have to break her out," Grace said.
"But we could," Rosie argued.
"We have to talk to her," Grace reiterated. "I have to talk to her."
"Grace, I don't think they're going to let you walk up to the gates and schedule a meeting," Megan pointed out skeptically. Despite all those mental calculations, it was reassuring that she still had her doubts.
"No," Grace said, almost like she was agreeing with Megan, before turning to look at me. I stared at her, puzzled. "But they might let her son do it."
All of a sudden, that storm of emotions I just barely managed to contain unleashed itself, overtaking me. I was going to attack something, and fast, if I didn't get out of here.
"She no longer has a son." I bolted out the door, before I could destroy anyone or anything in that house.
Song inspiration: Holding Absence – 'nomoreroses'
Genre/ Subgenre: Rock/ Post Hardcore
I had been struggling with this chapter and its vibe when I listened to this song and decided it fit really well, particularly with Alexei's thoughts at the start. As a result, I used the emotions in the song to channel Alexei's thoughts and emotions and get a good sense of where he's at. The lyrics also really fit, in wondering what he had done to deserve this and pleading for justice and mercy from a cruel and unfair god.
This is also one of Holding Absence's heaviest and darkest songs (heavier than 'Wilt') so just something to keep in mind if you don't normally listen to a lot of rock.
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Next chapter will be up between June 12 and June 21.
I hope I did this chapter justice since it was super difficult to write, especially Alexei's thoughts and emotions at the start. I really wanted to make sure I was in the right headspace for him, in being emotional yet realistic.
IMPORTANT PSA:
Due to the explicit mental health content (suicidal thoughts and self-harm) coming up in the next chapter, I will be changing the rating on this story from T-rated to M-rated right before I post the next chapter (as a precaution to be safe). With a rating of M, this story won't show up right away when you click on Embassy Row stories. But if you change the filters from the default rating of K to T to all rated stories, all stories (including M rated ones) will show up. Here is how to change the rating on the various iterations of this site (after navigating to Embassy Row, Ally Carter stories):
Desktop site: click the 'Filters' button in the top middle of the site, click the ratings button (3rd from the top on the left side, it's also 1 of 2 buttons highlighted in green) then change it from the default of 'Rated K - T' to 'Rating: All' then click 'Apply' (blue button in the bottom right corner of the filters box) for it to show all stories, including the M-rated ones
Mobile site: scroll down to the bottom for filters, click the ratings button (1st button in the 3rd row on my phone, it's also 1 of 2 buttons highlighted in green) then change it from the default of 'Rated K - T' to 'Rating: All' then click 'Apply Filters' (very last button on the bottom) for it to show all stories, including the M-rated ones. The mobile site may look slightly different on various phone models so please take that into consideration
Official mobile app: click on that weird funnel-shaped icon (2nd from the right on my phone) to bring up the filters menu then click the ratings button (middle button in the 1st row, it's also the only button highlighted in blue) then change it from the default of 'Rated K - T' to 'Rating' (which will bring up stories of all ratings), give it a second to load then click the green search button at the bottom of the filters menu for it to show all stories, including the M-rated ones. The app may look slightly different on various phone models so please take that into consideration
Idk how you guys usually find and read this story so you may or may not be affected (and this could just be me getting worked up over nothing and worrying about my readers not being able to find this story once the rating changes). If you click directly on my author profile, all stories (including M-rated ones) will show up there. And if you make an account on (it's free!) and follow this story, you'll be emailed with a direct link to every new chapter I upload, allowing you to bypass all the searching and rating changing (which is pretty handy, imo). I could also try to post videos of how to change the filters on IG if you think that would be helpful.
Additionally, I have written the next chapter so that it can be skipped in its entirety if desired, as the following chapter will summarize its contents. Because it's basically going to be a lot of emotional thoughts and I understand that everyone may not want to read that, especially when it contains explicit suicidal themes. Like I warned earlier, this story is going to be darker and more mature than Falling for You and On the Run and this chapter and the next one are prime examples of that so please read at your own discretion.
Anyways, that's the end of a super long author's note. Hopefully that all makes sense, send me a PM through the site (desktop site preferred, since I rarely use the mobile app) or on IG if you have any questions or concerns (you can also leave a review as a guest, where you don't have to make an account or leave your name). I'll see you all soon with the next chapter (and sorry in advance for everything that I put Alexei through)!
Update (June 21): Hey guys, I don't think it's likely that I'll have the next chapter ready to be posted by this evening. I had sent it to one of my med friends for editing (to ensure the self-harm and suicide content was appropriate and not overly graphic) and we're both busy preparing for residency so I'm waiting for them to send me their edits before posting the next chapter. I'm still hoping to get it up by June 30 though. I apologize for delaying the next chapter, since I don't like to do it (and I know you don't like it either). Thank you for your understanding and patience and hopefully I'll be back sooner rather than later with the next chapter.