Hey guys, I hope you're all doing well and enjoying summer! My apologies for posting this chapter late as I had been waiting for my friend to get back to me with edits (to ensure the content was appropriate) and then personal things happened out of nowhere.

But this is it, the explicit suicide and self-harm chapter (including graphic depictions of blood) that I have been warning you all about and the reason why this story is now M-rated. As a result, there is an EXTREME content warning for this chapter, as it may be distressing for younger readers (see the disclaimer and content warning below for more information). In particular, I will be italicizing the actual self-harm paragraphs so they can be skipped if desired. Like I mentioned in the previous chapter, the content of this chapter will be summarized in the next chapter so you can feel free to skip this chapter entirely. So if you'd like, read on and prepare for massive feels. My apologies in advance for everything that I put Alexei through.

Gonna reply to reviews on the previous chapter, thanks so much for the love and to everyone who reviewed!

Guest: Thank you, I'm glad you thought I did a great job capturing Alexei's emotions!

Tessa Jane: Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed that chapter! I was really trying to play into Alexei's emotions with that chapter, as a buildup to this one.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Embassy Row series and all the characters (except for Tanner and Jordan and Alexei's Moscow friends, who are my own creations). They belong to Ally Carter. I am merely using her characters and plotline to create this fanfiction. I have no intention of profiting off the Embassy Row series in any way. This fanfiction is purely for entertainment purposes and would not exist without Ally Carter's wonderful works.

The events that happen in this fanfiction are not meant to be representative of real life. Any similarities to any real-life events or fictional works is purely coincidental and not intentional (with the exception of the original Embassy Row books by Ally Carter since this fanfiction is literally Take the Key and Lock Her Up but from Alexei's, not Grace's, perspective). The character's actions may not always reflect my own opinions or views. Based on what happens in this chapter, I have no intentions of encouraging anyone to self-harm or attempt suicide and do not condone encouraging others to self-harm or attempt suicide.

CONTENT WARNING: EXTREME
This fanfiction is rated M, for explicit and suggestive themes (such as mental health and abuse), language, and violence. This chapter contains strong language, explicit mental health content (including self-harm and suicidal ideation), graphic depictions of blood, mentions of death and abuse, and some mild religious themes. Please read at your own discretion, as the content in this chapter may be distressing for younger readers.

Chapter Fourteen: Let the Ocean Take Me

I slammed the door shut, not bothering to take a second glance behind me. I kept my eyes forward as I sprinted faster than I ever had in my life. I flew past trees in the dense forest surrounding the cottage, barely feeling the scraping of branches against my skin as I ran. I pushed myself to move faster, tripping over loose stones and sticks as my muscles started aching, yearning for reprieve. Yet, I forced myself to keep going, knowing that I couldn't ever stop. Because if I did, I'd have to face everything I had hoped to avoid.

Suddenly, my feet caught in a rough groove, catapulting me forwards. I fell onto my hands and knees, the wind knocked out of me all at once. My breath came in ragged gasps as the ground beneath me swayed, my rapidly beating heart thudding in my ears. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to focus on my breathing and willing the pounding in my head to stop. When everything finally quieted to a still silence around me, I slowly opened my eyes. The ground no longer swayed, crystallizing to an image of short, yellow grass, coarse and roughened by the cool fall air.

I pushed myself into a seated position, wincing at the pain in my hands. I turned them over, discovering scraped, ripped skin all over my palms. There were holes ripped in the knees of my jeans, revealing tiny cuts across my kneecaps. Wonderful. However, the physical pain paled in comparison to the storm inside my mind. My thoughts were churning, some of them rational, some of them non-sensical, all of them threatening to overtake me if I didn't do something about them soon.

I let out a scream, for the boy I had once been and the boy I would never be again. As I kept screaming, the only thing that temporarily numbed the cacophony in my mind, the tears started streaming down my face. First slowly then all at once as the floodgates opened. I couldn't fucking take this anymore. I curled myself into a ball, placing my head on my knees and my hands on my head as I howled and cried, the tears blurring my vision.

I cried for Mikhail, for his unjust death and for all the time I'd never get to spend with him. After all the time I had spent holding in my emotions and trying to keep myself together, I finally let myself go, allowing myself to mourn for him. For the innocent life that was unfairly taken. For the man who been such a large influence on my life and shaped the person that I was today. For the man who deserved the happiest of endings but was instead served an untimely death. Why was it that the worst things happened to the best people? My eyes burned, my body shook, knowing that his death had ripped away a part of my heart and my soul and had taken away some of my very being.

I cried for myself, for how terrible this world had been to me. I mourned for my old self, for that loss of innocence, and how I would never get to be a free man again, not without all the burdens I currently bore. I cried for the ways in which I had changed and how the person I had been was now effectively dead. It seemed like my whole life had been a lie up until this point and now I was only just starting to see the cracks, the real, broken, bitter truth and the reality of just how harsh and cruel life could be.

I cried and screamed for all the tragedy, death, and despair contained in this world, and for all the suffering inflicted by the human race, for the brutal lack of humanity and goodness left in this dark cosmos. It was a horrific place, one that hadn't been serving me well and perhaps, wasn't meant for me all along.

Although I could run as fast as I wanted, I knew I could never outrun my demons now. They had finally caught up to me and I would never be free of them. And if I wasn't careful, they'd engulf me, winning the battle of control of my mind. I didn't want to give in to those demons and become slave to their chains, relinquishing rational control of my mind over to them. But I didn't know how to destroy them. All I knew was how to physically destroy myself and the environment around me.

I looked around, noticing I was in a small, grassy clearing surrounded by trees on all sides. Behind me, a large, fallen log was rotting away, the soft wood spotted with moss. It was harmful yet helpful, befalling me but marking the way back to the safe house. The clearing was oddly quiet, lacking sounds of any birds or animals. I looked up, craning my neck to peer into the trees, trying to find other signs of animal life. However, the only sounds I heard were those of my own ragged breathing and my pounding heart.

The sereneness of the clearing resembled a semi-Eden of sorts, a quiet paradise amongst the chaos that had befallen me lately. Yet, with no other signs of life around, the demons in my mind had complete freedom to overtake me, to turn this place, and my mind, into my own living hell. That option was becoming increasingly more tempting by the second. Why be in charge of my mind when I could let a bunch of demons do that for me? It'd give me one less thing to worry about, trying to stay calm and rational when I was anything but inside. Maybe it was time for me to finally unleash the crazy that had been hiding inside for far too long. After all, it had been my mother's destiny. Maybe it was mine too and I had only just started to discover it.

I found a stick on the ground next to me. It was slightly covered in blood, making me wonder if I had fallen onto it when I tripped over the log. I picked it up, feeling spurred not by my own rational consciousness but by something deeper, something darker, hidden inside me. As I examined it, turning it over in my hand, I felt that dark force nudging the edges of my mind, wanting to infiltrate further. I suddenly grasped each end of the stick, grimacing as my ripped palms throbbed in protest. Without hesitation, I snapped it, delighted by the satisfying crack it made.

I picked up another stick a few metres away, snapping it like I had the first. Before long, I was walking around the clearing, snapping every stick I could find. Although it had been satisfying at first, those feelings were short-lived. I wanted more.

I noticed some peculiar rocks in the clearing. I picked up the closest one. It was smooth and glassy dark black in colour, reflecting the light as I turned it over in my hand. The edges of the rock were sharper than anything I had ever seen. It was heavy, weighty and dark, so much power and energy stored inside.

Without second thought, I hurled it against the nearest tree. It shattered upon impact, breaking into a few dozen thinner shards. I walked up to the tree and picked up one of the shards. Somehow, the edges were even sharper than the original rock. I noticed blood trickling down my finger. It looked like it was from a small cut made by the rock shard. I regarded the rock in a new light, realizing it had the potential to be very lethal, or at least extremely harmful. I kicked at the other shards, all of which were equally sharp and deadly. Surely, if they could slice my finger without my realization, then they could easily slit one's throat without much trouble.

I looked up with a jolt, wondering where that dark thought had come from. I was not a very dark person and usually avoided joking about death. However, what startled me the most was how easily the thought had come to mind and how I hadn't shaken it off right away. Was I losing my mind? Oddly enough, I didn't care if that was the case. After all, it looked like craziness ran in my family. It was probably bound to happen to me sooner or later. What was there to stop me from losing my mind? I had always thought I was pretty mentally stable but maybe I just needed an inciting incident to unleash the insanity, like my mother. Maybe this was just the start of my rapid descent into Hell.

My gaze dropped to my hand, still holding the shard of rock. My eyes snapped to the trail of blood dripping down my finger and onto my hand. I found myself transfixed by the deep red line it left, marring my skin to match my dark soul inside. I closed my eyes, trying to connect with the darkness that I now realized had always been there. I tried to let it permeate throughout my entire being, filling every inch of my body and every corner of my mind. I took a deep breath in, smiling to myself as I felt the darkness seeping through me. With a sense of renewed calm, I opened my eyes again.

I placed the rock shard in my pocket before gathering up the remaining rocks in the clearing. After piling up all the rocks, I picked up the one at the top, hurling it against the tree, just like I had the first one. Once again, it was oddly satisfying to see it shatter into tiny shards on impact, just like my parental relationships.

As I threw a second rock at the tree, I wondered how I had survived this long without a loving parent and not lost my mind. Perhaps, it was because I had Mikhail by my side, the one person in my life who had truly loved me and cared for me like a parent was supposed to. But now, Mikhail was dead, my mother was locked up in a psychiatric hospital, and my father was living his best life as an ambassador, rubbing shoulders with anyone who was anyone, not giving a fuck about me. I threw a third rock at the tree, the flying shards only emphasizing the finality of how alone I was now. My life had gone to shit and I was effectively fending for myself. The cushy embassy life I had lived all these years was long gone, with no hope of ever getting it back. I had the opportunity to rebuild a quiet life for myself in Mexico but now that had been ruined, thanks to this haywire mission I was on. I had no idea how long this would last or if I'd ever find my way back to Mexico. In short, my future was gone.

I kept throwing the rocks one at a time against the tree, each throw punctuated by a different thought about my life. Like anger towards my mother for getting herself locked up and leaving me with a cruel and unrelenting father, resentment towards my father for the way he had treated me all those years and left me defenseless, hatred towards the universe for the cruel way it had aligned to cause Mikhail's early and untimely death, for bringing Spence into my life and the subsequent chain of events that led to this shitstorm. I would give anything to undo that part of my life, to get myself out of this mess. I'd give anything to have my old life back. Barring that, I'd even take a normal life. One where I was a normal high-schooler with a stable life, kind and loving parents, and tons of friends, where my biggest worries would be school, relationships, and extra-curricular activities. I didn't want to be running for my life anymore, worrying about what my next move would be, constantly watching my back and fearing for my safety.

You don't have to run for your life if you could end it. I jolted to my senses, unsure where that horrendous thought had come from. I had never once thought about suicide, not even after all the years of abuse I had endured at the hands of my father. That was because I always had an end goal in sight: do well in school, get into a good university, and move out, getting away from my father. Now with a criminal record and a target on my back, getting into a good university was no longer an option. I had effectively fucked up my life, with no feasible way of getting it back on track. Okay, so my name had technically been cleared by Grace and whatever stunt she had pulled but people still knew my identity and what I had supposedly done. Admissions committees would remember my face and my name, not wanting to accept me in fear of tainting their institution's pristine reputation. There was no way I could get into any of the good universities, regardless of my upstanding reputation and achievements before this mess happened. My life was shot and there was nothing I could do about it… except end it.

I looked down, finding I had thrown all the rocks against the tree. Sure enough, there was a smattering of rock shards around the base of the tree, evidence of what was going on in my brain. But there was still one rock left, one rock that hadn't been totally shattered. I reached into my pocket, pulling out the shard from the first rock I had thrown. One edge of it was stained with dried blood. I looked down at the small cut on my finger, which had more or less stopped bleeding.

I put the rock shard back into my pocket and walked over to the tree. I stared up at it, taking in its branches that seemed to spiral into the sky. Maybe if I was lucky enough, it would lead me towards heaven, instead of the hell I was sure to be condemned to. I gripped the lowest branch, pulling on it. It barely budged, indicating it'd be steady enough to hold my weight.

I put both hands around the branch, easily pulling myself up onto it. I tested the next branch the same way before swinging myself up onto it. I climbed higher and higher, feeling nothing but the rush of the wind around me. The higher I got, the more weightless I felt, like I was leaving my problems behind on the earth as I ascended into the sky. Eventually, the branches started getting thinner, seeming less capable of supporting my weight. I stopped about halfway up the tree, sitting with my back against the trunk, one leg flat against the branch, the other dangling down towards the earth below.

Up here, it was so calming and peaceful, the silence punctuated only by the wind whistling through the leaves. The breeze rustled through my hair as I stared out onto the horizon, taking in the setting sun. How many sunsets had I seen in Adria, looking out my bedroom window in the embassy? Or sitting atop the wall, where I could watch the sun slowly sink until it became one with the ocean?

The sunsets in Adria were beautiful. But up here, in a tree far away from any life I had ever known, it felt different. Like a stark reminder of the finality of life. A reminder of how one day, the sun might never rise again, signifying the end of all life on Earth. Everything was bound to die, even the sun and the Earth, which meant I was bound to die, sooner or later. Although I had lost control of everything in my life, perhaps the way it ended was the one thing I could control.

I had initially welcomed the darkness and the sense of reprieve it brought but now it was becoming too much. I had to release it, before it overtook me completely, to get it out before it was too late. I had to do something, while I could still control myself. I reached into my pocket, taking out the rock shard. I turned it over in my hand, really looking at it. Such a small object, with the potential to do so much harm. Without a second thought, I took a deep breath, steeling my back against the trunk of the tree. It was time and there was no going back.

It was if my arms had moved by themselves, my mind controlled by another entity. It was like watching it from the outside. The scream echoed around me, the sound foreign, almost haunted to my ears, the smooth rock cool against my burning arm.

It was done, I was done. I looked down at my arm, horrified at what I had just done. But I couldn't take it back. I stared at my bleeding arm, petrified as blood trickled out of the cut, staining the otherwise perfect skin. It was like watching the life drain out of me, the dire consequences of a very stupid decision. However, all I could really do at this point was welcome death, whether I wanted to or not. After all, it was the only punishment fitting for me, after what I had done. I hadn't been able to save myself and now I feared I would never be saved at all.

I sank back against the tree trunk, closing my eyes. The negative emotions, all the anger, rage, and hatred, slowly dissipated, as regret sunk in. I focused on my breathing, in and out, trying to keep my mind off the terrifying and very real possibility of death. Especially a preventable death that would come sooner rather than later, given the physical pain of the cut, as it burned and stung and bled. Everything was ending in that brief moment, until I heard another scream, one that had not come from me.

Song inspo: The Amity Affliction – 'Pittsburgh'
Genre/ subgenre: Metal/ metalcore

The Amity Affliction writes many songs about mental health struggles and this is a prime example (about the vocalist nearly drinking himself to death). It's one of my go-to songs for a bad mental health day, for when I need to sit and just allow myself to feel the emotions. The lyrics fit so well with Alexei's mental and emotional struggle in this chapter, in fighting to stay alive instead of ending his life.

This song is also off my favourite TAA album, which is where the title of this chapter came from. For those who don't normally listen to a lot of rock or metal, this song does have screamed vocals on the verses and heavy instrumentals so just something to keep in mind. Listener discretion is advised.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Next chapter will be up between July 15 and July 24. Who or where do you think that scream came from?

This was an insanely difficult chapter to write, not only for getting Alexei's mindset right but for ensuring the self-harm parts weren't overly explicit. I did not want this chapter to be an introduction to or glamorization of self-harm and suicide for younger readers and have no intentions of encouraging anyone to do so. Additionally, I was not trying to discredit the lived experiences of those struggling with it (since everyone experiences it differently). Rather, I wanted this chapter to be an exploration of darker content that I personally would like to read. And BIG shoutout to my friends idk1918 and Xaeraia for helping me with the editing and ensuring the content was appropriate! Feel free to check them out!

If you are having any mental health struggles or are feeling particularly distressed after reading this chapter, please reach out to a trusted adult or mental health professional. If you are feeling acutely suicidal and unsafe (ie. at risk of harming yourself), please go to your nearest emergency room or local mental health crisis response centre. I have included a list of online and phone-based mental health resources below (please note this isn't an exhaustive list):

US:
Emergency number: 911
National suicide prevention lifeline: 800-273-8255
Lifeline chat (24/7 web chat)
Crisis text line: text HOME to 741741

Canada:
Emergency number: 911
Crisis services Canada (suicide prevention hotline): 1-833-456-4566
Youthspace (online crisis chat service, text 778-783-0177)

UK:
Emergency number: 999
Samaritans helpline: 116 123 (web chat in the works)
Crisis text line: text SHOUT to 85258

Australia:
Emergency number: 000
Lifeline (13 11 14 or 24/7 chat)
Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467 for 24/7 phone counselling, also 24/7 online and video counselling)
Beyond Blue (24/7 support via online chat, email, or phone (1300 22 4636))

EU:
Emergency number: 112

International:
7 Cups (24/7 online live chat)
IMAlive (live online crisis chat network)

International collections of suicide helplines:
Befrienders (also provides confidential support)
Open counseling
Find a helpline
Suicide stop

This was a super heavy chapter with lots of long author's notes but I thought I'd try to end things on a positive note. I start my psychiatry residency tomorrow! Which is basically 5 years of specialized training in psychiatry to become a psychiatrist. It could get quite busy but I'll still try to post chapters fairly regularly. See you in a couple weeks with the next chapter! :)