Hey guys, I hope you're doing well! This is the follow-up to the explicit self-harm chapter and will also contain graphic descriptions of blood and first aid. I have italicized those paragraphs in case you prefer to skip them. Read on to find out how everyone will react to Alexei's struggles.
Gonna reply to reviews on the previous chapter, thanks so much for the love and to everyone who reviewed!
Guest: Thank you, I'm glad you thought I did a good job with writing the sensitive subject matter!
Tessa Jane: It seems like you've been through a lot, in being able to relate to Alexei's struggles and his feelings of loneliness. But I'm glad you thought that chapter was well-written. And thank you! These first few weeks of residency have been quite busy but I've really been enjoying it and learning a lot ^-^ And I agree, the psychology/ psychiatry field is super fascinating!
Disclaimer: I do not own the Embassy Row series and all the characters (except for Tanner and Jordan and Alexei's Moscow friends, who are my own creations). They belong to Ally Carter. I am merely using her characters and plotline to create this fanfiction. I have no intention of profiting off the Embassy Row series in any way. This fanfiction is purely for entertainment purposes and would not exist without Ally Carter's wonderful works.
The events that happen in this fanfiction are not meant to be representative of real life. Any similarities to any real-life events or fictional works is purely coincidental and not intentional (with the exception of the original Embassy Row books by Ally Carter since this fanfiction is literally Take the Key and Lock Her Up but from Alexei's, not Grace's, perspective). The character's actions may not always reflect my own opinions or views. Based on what happens in this chapter (spoiler alert), I do not condone suturing cuts at home, breaking into government institutions, or physical abuse in relationships.
Additionally, the medical recommendations made in this chapter are based off my own medical knowledge and clinical experiences and may differ from clinical practice guidelines in other parts of the world. They are evidence-based to my knowledge but may not reflect the latest updates to evidence-based medical practices. Please consult your local medical association for the most up-to-date, evidence-based medical practices in your jurisdiction.
Content warning: moderate to major
This fanfiction is rated M, for explicit and suggestive themes (such as mental health and abuse), language, and violence. This chapter contains moderate to strong language, explicit medical themes with graphic depictions of blood and first aid, physical abuse in a relationship, depictions of mental health struggles, some mild religious themes, and mentions of death, self-harm, and breaking into government institutions. Please read at your own discretion.
Chapter Fifteen: Don't Lean on Me
"Alexei? Alexei!" I looked around, trying to find whoever was calling my name. Was I hallucinating? Were those angels welcoming me into the realm of Heaven, or whatever awaited me in the afterlife? Had death finally come for me?
However, I very quickly realized that I wasn't hallucinating or dying when a second, more familiar, voice called my name. I squinted at the ground, seeing two figures standing by the base of the tree. As my eyes focused, I realized those figures were Noah and Rosie, both of whom looked very worried. I looked at my arm again, the blood trickling out of the deep, long cut with no signs of stopping. All at once, the gravity of what I had done hit me hard, making me realize exactly how much danger I had put myself into and how badly I had risked my life.
"Alexei!" Noah and Rosie waved their arms. Relief washed over their faces when we made eye contact. "What are you doing up there?"
I leaned back against the tree trunk, letting out a sigh as guilt sunk in. How was I going to explain this, all this self-destruction, to them? I didn't want to let them down. I was supposed to be the strong one, the stable and level-headed one. I wasn't supposed to go around destroying everything around me and myself. Yet, I had done just that, leaving a terrible mess in my wake.
I looked down at my still-bleeding arm. I moaned, tilting my head skyward. In my haste to destroy, I had just acted without thinking. The rocks were sharp and seemed like they'd do the job. But now, I was starting to think about everything that could go wrong, like the cut getting infected, not healing properly, or continuing to bleed because I had hit an artery. We were essentially in the middle of nowhere, with no major hospitals nearby. As far as I knew, the closest hospital was in Dubrovnia's capital city, which was at least a couple hours away by car. I couldn't afford to have a medical emergency, not here, not now, with bigger things to stress about. At best, I'd get a skin or soft tissue infection, which could make my arm turn gangrenous, leading to an amputation. At worst, the infection could spread into my blood and I could become septic and die. Neither of those sounded like a favourable outcome.
The sooner I could get this dealt with, the better. I didn't want to leave this little Eden, a calm and peaceful escape from the mortal problems that tied me to this Earth. Yet, I couldn't stay up here forever, unless I wanted to slit my wrists further or slit my throat and end my life. I could only run from my problems for so long. Eventually, I was going to have to face them.
I looked down at Noah and Rosie, conversing with uneasy expressions. One guess as to who they were talking about. I didn't want to keep them waiting in distress any longer. It was time to face the music. I wiped the blood off the rock shard before sticking it into my pocket. I took a deep breath, steeling myself for the climb back down.
I slowly lowered myself down, trying to ignore the pain in my arm. I didn't even want to think about the trail of blood I'd be leaving behind.
When I reached the last branch, I lowered myself until I was hanging then swiftly dropped to the ground. I kept my eyes down as I landed in a crouched position.
"I know. I fucked up." I kept my voice low, my head bent in shame, ready to receive my rightful punishment for running out and creating a mess.
"Alexei, man, what happened? Are you okay?" Noah asked, his voice full of sympathy that I felt unworthy of.
"What do you think happened?" I gestured to the shattered rocks and broken sticks around the base of the tree.
"Alexei, we want to make sure you're okay," Rosie said, her voice full of concern, something I had never heard from her before. "When you ran out and didn't come back, you scared us all. Megan sent us to look for you." With that, I finally allowed myself to look up. Noah and Rosie were genuinely worried and scared. Yet, the unconditional support and kindness was evident in their eyes and it was all for me. Tears sprang to my eyes as I realized that my friends really did care about me and my well-being. Maybe I didn't have to go through this alone or do something stupid, like end my life.
"I – I, thank you," I finally managed to get out. I had never seen this unequivocal kindness from my friends and felt like I didn't deserve it. But maybe this was what true, selfless friendship was like.
"What happened to your arm?" Rosie asked.
"Oh this. I – I – um," I started. Having them sense I was losing my mind was one thing; saying it out loud was an entirely different thing.
"Here." Noah took off his hoodie, handing it to me. "We can talk about it later, if you're not feeling up to it now. Let's get you back to the house so Megan can take a look at that."
"Are you sure?" I asked, staring at his light grey hoodie. "I don't want to –"
"It's fine." Noah placed the hoodie in my hand. "It'll wash out. Besides, I packed a few of them." I gratefully took the hoodie, placing it against the cut, making sure to apply steady pressure.
"Come on, let's head back before it gets completely dark," Noah said, his eyes flicking up to the sky. Sure enough, the sun had nearly set, leaving only faint traces of colour in the otherwise dark blue sky. It would be best to get back to the cottage before night truly set in. I didn't want to know what kind of creatures roamed these woods after dark.
I stood up, walking between Noah and Rosie as we retraced the path I had taken. They kept up a light conversation, making an effort to include me. I didn't say much though, merely focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and applying pressure to the cut. It was going to be even harder to face Megan and Grace, both of whom would be much more distressed. But eventually, I had to face the music and own up to my stupidity. Better to get it over with sooner rather than later.
All too soon, we made it back to the house. Noah looked at me. "You ready?"
I took a deep breath, trying not to let the building fear consume me. "Ready as I'll ever be."
Noah nodded, opening the door. Rosie immediately burst in, making her presence known. "We found Alexei!"
Megan looked up from where she was standing by the stove, stirring a pot of something that smelled delicious. Grace was nowhere to be seen. Megan smiled at me; however, it quickly morphed into alarm when she looked at my face then at my arm.
"Alexei, what happened?" Megan asked, her voice full of concern.
"I – I'm sorry." I looked down in remorse.
"Can I take a look?" Megan pointed her head towards the tiny bathroom. I simply nodded, too ashamed to say anything.
"Noah, can I trust you to look after dinner for fifteen minutes without burning the place down?" Megan asked, turning towards him.
"Of course, captain," Noah replied, giving Megan a mock salute. She rolled her eyes before gesturing for me to come to the bathroom. I numbly followed her, closing the door behind me.
"Alexei, is everything okay?" Megan asked, her head buried in the cabinets as she rummaged through them.
"I, I – no," I mumbled. The rummaging noises stopped for a second. Megan poked her head out, an empathetic look on her face.
"I know you've been through a lot today, Alexei. I get it." Now, it was my turn to look at her in surprise. She said nothing as she took out a first-aid kit, opening it. She removed a pair of gloves and pulled them on.
"Can I see?" Megan asked, looking at my arm. For the first time since Noah handed me his hoodie, I removed it from my arm, releasing the steady pressure that seemed to be the only constant in my life right now.
Megan made a face. "That looks bad." I just nodded in agreement, grateful I could count on her to be honest and not sugar-coat the truth. The cut was deeper than I thought, gaping wide across the width of my arm. There was still a bit of blood trickling from it. I was even more dismayed by how much I had soaked Noah's hoodie. I instantly felt bad, especially with how he had so easily given it to me. I would have to make it up to him somehow.
"Let's give it a rinse," Megan said. We crowded around the small sink, my arm awkwardly positioned under the tap, as Megan slowly turned the water on. I immediately flinched but forced myself to grit my teeth against the stinging of the soap and water as Megan methodically washed the cut.
"You know, the same thing happened with my dad," Megan said, breaking the silence. I looked at her, surprised. She had never talked about her past in all the years I had known her.
"My parents were both CIA," Megan continued, her attention on the task at hand. "I was born in the States and moved around a lot. Then, when I was six, my dad suddenly disappeared and never returned. Soon after that, my mom moved us to Adria. She never spoke about my dad again."
"I'm sorry to hear that," I said, empathizing with her greatly. It sounded a lot like what happened with my mother ten years ago.
Megan merely shrugged. "It was only last year that I found out my dad had been kidnapped and tortured to death in an enemy prison. I walked in on my mom crying on the anniversary of his death."
"I can't imagine what that must have been like." Was that a worse fate than what my mother had been condemned to? It was hard to tell.
"It was a bit shocking to learn but it was nice to finally have some closure. I don't remember much of my dad though." She looked up at me. "So I get how you're feeling. Shocked, confused, lost."
"And then some," I said quietly, vacantly staring at the water flowing from the tap. As soon as I discovered the truth about my mother, my control snapped and my mind became a mess. Even now, the emotions were still swimming in my head, impossible to make sense of and deal with.
I felt a hand on my arm. I looked up, to find Megan looking at me with concern. "It's okay, Alexei. I've been there. I get how difficult this is. If you need someone to talk to about this, over the next few days, or whenever, I'm here."
"Thank you, Megan, for this… and for everything else. The safe house, taking control –"
"Don't worry about it," Megan interrupted, turning the tap to full blast, to wash the last of the soap. "It's what I'm here for." She left the water running until all the blood was cleared. It was then I saw precisely how deep the cut was, looking like it would take forever to heal. For the moment, it looked fine, but I feared it was going to start bleeding again at any second.
Megan made a face. "That looks deep. I may have to suture it up."
I raised an eyebrow at her. "Where did you learn that?"
"Veterinarian camp." Megan shrugged, as she compiled the necessary materials. "I learned a lot of helpful medical skills there, suturing being one of them."
Now I really looked at her. "I didn't know you wanted to be a vet."
Megan levelly met my gaze. "I don't. But secret agent and coding camp don't teach you medical skills and I figured they'd be helpful in the field." She gestured at my cut with the needle driver. "So are you gonna let me suture that or not?"
"Go right ahead." I held up my other hand in surrender. I certainly wasn't going to argue with her, especially when she was holding a potential weapon. Besides, I figured it was better to take my chances with her suturing than leaving the cut open to the air.
Megan nodded, grabbing a needle to administer anesthetic to the surrounding skin. With that, we settled into a comfortable silence. I watched as she closed the wound with a row of neat, even stitches.
"I'm almost done," Megan said. She gently patted my arm dry with a small towel before grabbing a tube from the first-aid kit.
"Antibiotic ointment," Megan clarified, as she spread it in a thin layer on the now-closed wound. She then took a large bandage from the first-aid kit, carefully laying it down flat on my arm.
"There. How's that?" Megan asked, removing her gloves and washing her hands.
"So much better. Thank you," I replied earnestly, looking down at my arm. It was much improved from what it had been an hour ago, especially with the bandage.
"Like I said, I'm here if you need anything," Megan said, looking at my palms. "Do you want me to clean those up?" I turned my hands over, really taking in the scraped, ripped skin for the first time since I fell in the clearing. Although not as bad as the cut, they still looked pretty nasty.
I wordlessly nodded. Megan turned on the water again, rinsing off all the blood and grime before applying antibiotic ointment and bandaging them. She did the same for my knees.
"There, now you're all patched up," Megan said with a smile, putting the first aid kit back in the cabinet.
"If only you could fix the emotional scars," I quipped. She gave me a wry, knowing look before softening, her eyes earnest.
"Alexei, I know things haven't been easy for you lately and I'll do my best to help you in any way that I can." I nodded, giving her a grateful look before opening the bathroom door, heading out into the kitchen. A delicious food smell hit me, growing more enticing by the second.
"Damn, Megan, what is this? It smells hella good and Alexei has clearly noticed it too," Noah said, looking up from the pot. His eyes briefly flicked over to me, seeking assurance that I was okay, before turning to Megan.
"Lentil and rice curry," Megan said. "It's an essential meal in Indian culture. We could have made do with the endless supply of Meals, Ready-to-Eat but I figured I'd take a chance with the rice and lentils sitting around and make a curry instead."
"Well, homemade curry sounds better than food packets any day," Noah said, handing the spoon to Megan.
"Except if you get food poisoning from eating questionable rice and lentils," Rosie quipped.
"Come on, do you really think Megan's gonna do that to me?" Noah asked nonchalantly. The look she gave him begged to differ. Rosie burst out laughing and I couldn't stop the smile that crept onto my face.
Megan gave the pot one last stir before taking it off the heat. "Dinner's ready. Where's Grace?"
"Out cold in the bedroom. That girl is one heavy sleeper," Rosie said. I peeked into the bedroom. Sure enough, Grace's tiny form was curled up on the bed under a thick blanket, moving ever so slightly with her breathing. Megan's face softened as she took her in.
"Poor girl. She's been through a lot lately. She needs the rest. I'll save some dinner for her," Megan said, spooning some of the curry into a bowl and setting it aside. I couldn't argue with her there. Between the States and Paris, and now Dubrovnia, she had been through more than enough for a lifetime. I wasn't surprised if this was starting to catch up to her.
"So, Captain, what's the plan?" Noah asked, helping himself to some curry before digging in.
"For what?" Megan questioned.
"For now, and forever," Noah replied.
"Well, for now, I try not to break up with you while we get through this mission. For the future, well, I guess we'll have to see." Megan's face was blank as she ate another spoonful of curry.
"Excuse me? Are you telling me this is the end?" Noah held his hand up to his heart, mock horror written all over his face.
"One day at a time, buddy. I just want to get out of this country with both my head and my heart intact," Megan deadpanned.
"Wow, rude. And to think you cared about me," Noah pouted.
"Geez, Noah, of course I still love you." Megan looked at him lovingly, squeezing his hand. He squealed in delight as he pulled her close, kissing her cheek.
"Oh, gross, I do not want your curry breath near me ever again," Megan declared, squirming away from Noah.
"Then I suppose that means I won't be eating your homemade curry anymore," Noah said cheekily, leaning in closer. Megan made a disgusted face before pushing him away.
"But seriously, what are our plans for getting into Binevale?" Rosie asked, steering us back on track. "Are there going to be explosives?" Oh boy, not this again.
"First of all, we'll have to see what's stocked in this house and how much we can take with us," Megan replied. "There's a good supply of weapons and other items in the basement. There's also another car in the garage, which will be a good means of escape if needed."
"How ancient is that car going to be, considering how old this house is?" Noah asked skeptically.
"Can't be any worse than the one we have now," Rosie said nonchalantly, as she inhaled her curry.
"I'm gonna see if I can get into Binevale's system tonight and take a look around," Megan said. "Rosie, why don't you and Noah check out the basement and do an inventory?"
"Yes, explosives!" Rosie shouted, pumping her fist in the air.
"I'm hoping we can leave tomorrow morning and get back to Adria as soon as possible," Megan continued. "The longer we're gone, the more suspicions it'll raise." That made sense. The three of them had already risked so much for Grace and I. I didn't want them falling any further down this rabbit hole. The sooner everyone could get back to their normal lives, the better.
"What about me? What would you like me to do?" I asked, feeling relatively useless thus far.
"See, that's the thing," Megan said, taking a deep breath. "This is pretty much your home territory. None of us speak Russian. Thus, I was thinking it might be best if you could go into Binevale with Grace. I know this is sensitive for you but we are talking about your mother here."
"My mother can die in a hole for all I care," I muttered, trying to keep my emotions from flaring up.
"If you don't want to go, then Noah or I could go in with Grace instead," Megan said. Noah's face took on a panicked expression, which I didn't blame him for. No one in their right mind would want to walk into a psychiatric hospital and ask to speak to one of the patients. The fact that said patient was my long-lost mother made things even worse.
"Or we could just send Grace in herself. After all, she's the one who wants the information so badly," Noah said nonchalantly. A loud slap promptly reverberated through the room. I turned to see Noah clutching his shoulder in pain and an irate Megan.
"Noah, are you out of your mind? Grace is not going in there alone. She is too vulnerable for this. If you aren't going to grow a pair and go with her, then I'll go with her myself!" Megan yelled.
"It's okay, I can go in with her," I said, the words coming out of my mouth before I could fully comprehend them. Everyone turned to stare at me, open-mouthed. It was then that I realized exactly what I had said and what the implications were.
"Are you sure, Alexei?" Megan managed to get out. "I understand if you don't want to."
"Yes, I am sure. I will be there for Grace," I stated firmly. If I wasn't going to do this for me or for my mother, God forbid I ever call her that, then at least I could do this for Grace. God knows what could happen if she went in there alone. I had to be there to protect her and keep her out of harm's way.
"Okay, well I guess that's settled then," Megan said warily, before discussing the fine details of her master plan with us. I stayed quiet, finishing the rest of my dinner and trying to keep my mind from spinning. I occasionally peeked into the bedroom, to check on Grace. Somehow, she managed to stay fast asleep through all the noise we had made. Although she didn't know it now, she'd know tomorrow morning that I'd be accompanying her to Binevale. I could only hope she'd be receptive to the idea and wouldn't back out at the last minute.
When we finished eating, Noah and Rosie immediately headed to the basement, leaving me with Megan in the kitchen.
"Let me help you with that," I said, as Megan stacked up the dishes. We carried them over to the sink, where she started running a sinkful of soapy water. A sense of déjà vu washed over me as I stared at the running water, being reminded of the same chore but in a very different city with a very different girl.
We quickly settled into a comfortable rhythm of Megan washing and me drying.
"You don't have to be brave, you know." I started suddenly, looking at Megan, who kept her eyes on the sink.
"I get that this is difficult," Megan continued. "You don't have to do this for our sake."
"Megan." I put my hand on her shoulder, forcing her to look at me. "I have to. Who's going to accompany Grace if I don't? We both know Noah's not going to do it."
"Then I can. I can handle mean security guards." Megan looked at me gamely.
"I know you can. But are they going to take two teenage girls seriously? Besides, neither you nor Grace speak the language."
"Then Rosie can go. Surely, German is close enough to Russian."
"One look at Rosie and those guards are going to have a field day. If they won't take you seriously, there's no way they'll even think about letting her in."
"Rosie is much tougher than she looks."
"You don't think I don't know that? But try convincing those guards otherwise. Not too long ago, Dubrovnia and Russia were part of the Soviet Union. I know the culture those men come from. They'll only take their own kind seriously." I looked at her hard, willing my point to get across. "And face it, if something happens while Grace is in there, I stand the best chance at protecting her and getting both of us out alive." As much as Megan didn't want to admit it, her face told me that she knew I was right. How else was Grace going to navigate Binevale? If she so desperately wanted to get information from my mother, the only way she could do so was with my aid. Even though I didn't want to go, I had to.
"Okay, fine," Megan said, finally relenting. "You can go in with Grace. But once you and her cross that threshold, provided you can even get in in the first place, then there's no turning back. Got it?"
"Of course." I nodded, looking into Megan's eyes. This was it. I was going into Binevale to see my mother, whether I wanted to or not.
Song inspo: The Amity Affliction – 'Don't Lean On Me'
Genre/ subgenre: Metal/ metalcore
This is another song off the same album as 'Pittsburgh' (the song that inspired the previous chapter). Again, it fits really well with Alexei's mental health struggles and his thoughts, in how he doesn't feel capable being the responsible one all the time because he has his own struggles too. That's actually the meaning behind the song, in how the vocalist struggles with mental health and recognizes that many fans of the band go through the same things and how despite that, he feels inadequate to help when fans say that the band were a huge inspiration to them. The song title also inspired the title of this chapter and sums up how Alexei feels.
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Next chapter will be up between Aug. 13 and Aug. 22. What do you think happens next?
If you are having any mental health struggles or are feeling particularly distressed after reading this chapter, please reach out to a trusted adult or mental health professional. If you are feeling acutely suicidal and unsafe (ie. at risk of harming yourself), please go to your nearest emergency room or local mental health crisis response centre. I have included a list of online and phone-based mental health resources at the end-of-chapter author's note for the previous chapter.
Also going to include a 'don't try this at home' disclaimer for Megan suturing up Alexei's cut. In case that ever happens to you, please go to your nearest emergency room or walk-in clinic.