Hey guys, I hope you're doing well! This will be a fairly emotionally charged chapter, with some swearing and mentions of mental health (including self-harm and suicide) so be prepared for that. See the content warning section for more info.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Embassy Row series and all the characters (except for Tanner and Jordan and Alexei's Moscow friends (Roman, Eugene, Josef, and Yulia), who are my own creations). They belong to Ally Carter. I am merely using her characters and plotline to create this fanfiction. I have no intention of profiting off the Embassy Row series in any way. This fanfiction is purely for entertainment purposes and would not exist without Ally Carter's wonderful works.
The events that happen in this fanfiction are not meant to be representative of real life. Any similarities to any real-life events or fictional works is purely coincidental and not intentional (with the exception of the original Embassy Row books by Ally Carter since this fanfiction is literally Take the Key and Lock Her Up but from Alexei's, not Grace's, perspective). The character's actions may not always reflect my own opinions or views. Based on what is mentioned in this chapter (spoiler alert), I do not condone parental abandonment, murder, wrongful conviction, unfaithfulness in relationships, or breaking into guarded institutions.
Content warning: MAJOR
This fanfiction is rated M, for explicit and suggestive themes (such as mental health and abuse), language, and violence. This chapter contains strong language, explicit mentions of mental health (including self-harm and suicidal thoughts), mild to moderately crude banter about relationships, and brief mentions of murder, fugitive status, wrongful conviction, unfaithfulness in relationships, and breaking into guarded institutions. Please read at your own discretion.
Chapter Twenty-Six: Casually Dressed (and Deep in Conversation)
I pulled Karina towards the staircase, away from the squad. I felt everyone's eyes on us but I didn't care. I had gotten more than I bargained for tonight and needed to get Karina out of here as soon as possible.
Karina suddenly stopped in her tracks. "Where are we going?"
"I'm taking you home. Come on." I pulled her towards the landing, ready to start our descent. Just then, footsteps sounded behind me.
"Alexei! Wait up!" I turned to see Lila running towards us.
"What are you doing?" I looked at Lila, surprised.
"Let me walk you and Karina home. It's not safe for you, especially at night." She looked at me expectantly. Karina and I had made it here just fine on our own. But I knew the underlying meaning behind her words.
"Okay." I let Lila lead Karina and I to the basement and into the tunnels. Although we walked silently through the dark corridors, it was reassuring to have her company.
Soon, I found myself in a foreign part of the tunnels. Yet, I didn't dare question Lila as she walked on assuredly, following the twists and turns.
Eventually, we stopped at an unfamiliar tunnel entrance. Lila climbed up first, moving with the confidence and grace of a Society member. I smiled to myself, seeing just how well she fit the role. I guided Karina onto the ladder, before climbing up behind her. When I reached the last rung, I poked my head out, finding myself on a quiet side street behind the university. The road was deserted, the gas lamps casting shadows on the dark street.
"I figured this would be more convenient," Lila said. I nodded my thanks, closing the tunnel entrance behind me. We walked down the silent streets, back towards the townhouse.
"Well, there you go," Lila said, as we walked up the front steps of the townhouse.
"Thanks for walking us home," I said.
"No problem." Lila smiled at me, although she didn't make any move to leave.
"Would you like to come in?" I asked, mainly to be polite.
"Sure." Lila's smile widened. I unlocked the door, letting Karina and Lila step in first.
"I'm going to take Karina to her room. Make yourself at home," I told Lila. She nodded, heading towards the lounge.
I walked Karina up to her room. She sat on the bed, taking off her shoes. I tucked her in, closing the curtains.
"Get some sleep, okay?" I said quietly. Karina merely nodded, a dazed look on her face as she closed her eyes, still humming the nursery rhyme. As I looked down at her sleeping form, I didn't see any remnants of the mother I had known. She just looked like a child to me. It was funny how the roles had reversed. Now I was the one who had to stay strong and take care of her, amidst her nightmares and mental breakdowns. Unfortunately, I feared there was no coming back for her, not with all the drugs in Binevale and all the things she had no doubt seen in the Society.
I walked out of Karina's room, closing the door behind me. I walked to the lounge, where Lila was seated precariously on the couch. She looked from me to the M&M's on the floor.
"Oh, that was from Tanner and Jordan when they were here earlier. Movie night," I explained, recalling how their bickering resulted in M&M's being spilled all over the floor.
"I guess that explains the popcorn kernels all over the couch," Lila said, an amused smile on her face. I stepped closer to the couch. Sure enough, there were popcorn kernels and crumbs all over the cushions.
"God, I swear Tanner makes more of a mess than a five-year-old," I groaned. It looked like I was going to be in for some fun clean-up in the morning.
"Anyways, would you like something to eat or drink?" I asked, remembering my manners.
"I'll just have a glass of water," Lila said. I grabbed a glass of water for each of us. I sat down next to her, handing her the glass. She took a small sip.
"So, it's been a while since we've hung out, just the two of us," Lila said, looking at me.
I nodded in agreement, taking a sip of my water. "Well, I haven't exactly been able to hang out lately."
"Yeah, Mr. Jetsetter." Lila playfully poked me. "First, the US, then Paris, then Dubrovnia."
"But also a fugitive," I argued. Surely, Lila wasn't going to forget that fact so easily.
"Well, Grace got your name cleared, didn't she? So it's fine now."
"I don't know, it just feels weird, wrong." I still couldn't shake the suspicious way in which my name was cleared.
"What? To be free? To have your own life again?"
"For another man to be paying the price for something neither of us did." Lila nodded in understanding.
"Well, if you nor that man killed Spence, then who did?"
I looked at her like she was crazy. "You, of all people, should know the answer."
"Just checking to see if you were still awake." Lila smirked as she sipped her water.
"Honestly, what hasn't the Society done at this point?" I muttered, gulping half my water.
"Broken Grace out of her metaphorical prison so she could reunite with all her friends?" Lila quipped. I gave her half a smirk before it turned into a scowl. Sure, Lila had gotten all our friends together in the span of half an hour so that we could see Grace. That in itself was no small feat. But while everyone else had been overjoyed to see her, it had been a living nightmare for me, especially when the prince showed up.
"You didn't seem thrilled to see Grace today," Lila stated. I clenched my hand around the glass of water. I set it on the nearby coffee table to avoid shattering it, just like I had everything else in my life.
"How would you feel about seeing your ex-girlfriend prancing around with her new boyfriend?" I seethed, the words coming out without thinking. I heard an amused laugh and looked over at Lila. A playful smile ghosted her lips but it was hard to miss the sadness in her eyes.
"You're one to talk." Only then did I realize just what I had said.
"Shit, I'm sorry, Lila." She had a tough time getting over me and it didn't help that I had gotten involved with other girls, first Yulia, then Grace.
"Don't get me wrong, it really does suck at first. But it gets better over time. Do you remember what we had?"
"Of course. How could I forget?" My fling with Lila had more or less been my first real relationship. Despite the way it ended, those were always going to be memories that I'd cherish.
"It's still one of my favourite months of my life," Lila said, looking at me earnestly. "It was fun, it was easy."
"But ultimately, it wasn't right." My voice was quiet.
"Yes, exactly." Lila's words shocked me. I had feared she was never going to get over me but now, as I looked at her, I didn't see any longing or contempt. Just peace and contentment.
"I thought about us a lot," Lila continued. "About what we had done wrong, what we could have been. I was jealous when I saw you with Yulia, doing exactly what we had done. Admittedly, it didn't make things any easier for me, knowing your feelings for Grace."
"I know." I had really screwed up and done things to upset her.
"But then both you and Grace were gone, out of sight for seven weeks. During that time, I really thought about what we had, the good and the bad. It wasn't perfect but it was real and ultimately, I realized we were never meant to be. What you and Grace shared was something that you and I never had. It would be very wrong of me to take that away from you." I looked at Lila in surprise. Here she was, baring her feelings to me, except in a positive light. It seemed like she had finally gotten over me.
"You know, when you and Grace had disappeared to God knows where, I actually messaged Yulia."
"You what?" I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"Do you remember that day when I took Tanner and Jordan to the cave and we video-chatted your friend from Moscow?" I nodded. I certainly wasn't going to forget the craziness of that situation anytime soon.
"I couldn't stop thinking about how you possibly could have gotten involved with someone else despite having feelings for Grace. I meant to ask you about it but then you left. So I looked up that girl on Instagram and messaged her. We got talking and I realized I seriously misjudged her. She was way nicer than I imagined. She came out of her relationship with you even more broken and hurt than I was. But we both agreed that you truly felt something for Grace. It helped me realize this wasn't just about me. Even though we weren't meant to be together, we could still be really good friends. And I realized that was more than enough for me. I didn't want our past relationship and lingering feelings to get in the way of our friendship." Wow, that was a serious display of maturity that I never expected from Lila.
"I'd say we're pretty good friends, no?" I asked, looking over at Lila.
"Sure," Lila said, with a smirk. I couldn't help but smile. Despite everything that had happened with Lila, I really did value our friendship.
"Anyways, Yulia and I both agreed that we want the best for you and each other. For us, that means living our own lives and seeing other people. For you, that means going after Grace." I was about to protest, when Lila held out her hand, stopping me.
"I've seen the way you and Grace look at each other. I know what you've done for each other. You disappeared for seven weeks and went halfway across the world for her. That's not an easy thing to do. Then, you came back to Europe on your own, looking for her. Despite your fugitive status, you followed her everywhere, helping her with her mission. If that's not devoted, then I don't know what is." I just shrugged. I had loved her once and would have done anything for her. Now, I wasn't so sure.
"Grace would do the same for you. Don't think she wouldn't hesitate to help you if you needed it," Lila said.
I just shook my head. "Come on, Lila, she has her prince and the entire palace backing her. Why on Earth would she want anything to do with me?" A week ago, I would have agreed with her. But now, Grace and I were very much done. There was no going back to what we had.
"Have you given up on her?" Lila put her hand on my shoulder, forcing me to gaze right into her eyes.
"I, I don't know," I finally got out. I mean, what else was there to say? Grace had moved on and nothing would change that fact.
"Maybe you have. But Grace hasn't. Not yet anyways."
"So what am I supposed to do?" I exhaled, running a hand through my hair. "Waltz up to the palace and duel Prince Thomas to win her heart back? Kidnap her from the palace in the middle of the night and take her to Moscow? Get Dominic to hold her hostage until I can rescue her?"
Lila smirked, which only annoyed me further. "You could do any or all of those things, Alexei. I never took you for a quitter. So why are you suddenly giving up on Grace now?"
I tilted my head back, letting out a huff as I closed my eyes. "Because she's set to marry the prince. Because she has a destiny to fulfill and a life to live that I could never be a part of. Because she wants nothing to do with me anymore! There's a million reasons why and you know it."
"Do you remember that party at the palace for the G-20 summit?" Lila asked. Of course I did. That had been one crazy night from start to finish. But why was she bringing that up now?
"I still remember Tanner getting all up in Noah's grill when he was being a wuss about Grace and telling him that persistence is key," Lila continued. "Obviously, Tanner knows something because Noah finally manned up and rekindled his friendship with Grace. So that's what I'm telling you now."
Lila looked me right in the eye before speaking again. "Don't give up on Grace. The two of you are so clearly meant to be together. You're the only person who has an effect on her like no other. Despite everything that has happened, you still care for her and she still cares for you. Now's not the time to let her go. She's not totally wrapped up in the palace life yet. You still have a chance, a very good one, provided you take it." For her credit, Lila was very persuasive. But I wasn't convinced yet.
"Do you want to spend the rest of your life like the scarred dude, moping over a lost love?" Lila's voice was fierce, her gaze intense as she looked right into my eyes. "Face it, you're already miserable and it's only going to get worse the longer this goes on. It's early enough that you can get Grace back if you really tried. But not like this, sitting around all day. Alexei, as your friend, it's hurting me to see you like this. I only want the best for you, which I know is Grace." I looked at Lila. There was nothing in her face that indicated she still had feelings for me. Maybe she really had gotten over me.
"Do you really?"
"Yes, absolutely. Take some time to think about this, Alexei. Besides, something tells me Grace and Prince T aren't going to last very long." Lila gave me a knowing look. I had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Did the Society have other plans? Or were the two of them planning something outside the Society? It was too much for me to think about, especially this late at night.
"Don't worry, everything's going to work out fine." Lila placed her hand on my arm, right where my cut was. I winced under her touch.
"Alexei, is everything okay?" Lila asked, concerned. I just sat there silently, not sure how to respond.
"Alexei, are you okay?" Lila repeated. She put her hand on my shoulder, turning me to look at her. Our eyes met for a brief second before I looked away in shame. I couldn't face her, not like this.
"Is this about Grace?" Lila asked cautiously. I shook my head. We had already exhausted that topic to death.
"Megan mentioned that you had some… difficulties," Lila said, her voice softer, gentler. "If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you." Wordlessly, I rolled up the sleeves of my button-down, revealing the large cut spanning the width of my arm. Although it had scabbed over nicely, a prominent dark mark remained, which I didn't think would be going away anytime soon.
"Alexei, I'm so sorry you had to go through that." Lila's eyes flicked over to my arm. I couldn't help but look away.
"How did that happen?" Lila asked.
"It, it was after we discovered my mother was in Binevale," I started. "I couldn't believe she was still alive after all these years and had abandoned me for a psychiatric institution. What kind of parent does that to their child?" I shook my head. "It was horrific, seeing her trapped in that place. Then when the squad started talking about breaking her out, it all got a bit much. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran into the forest and absolutely lost it. I wrecked the whole damn place. I wrecked myself." A startling realization about that afternoon came back to me, something I hadn't fully processed until now.
"Fuck, Lila, I tried to kill myself that day." All at once, the same flood of emotions that had gone through me that day crashed into me full-force. All the anger, grief, and sorrow, and then some. For a few moments, I was back in the trees, high atop the rest of the world, surrounded by nothing but stillness and the deafening thrum of those thoughts, urging me to hurt myself, to end my life.
"Alexei, I'm so sorry," Lila said, her voice cracking. "Megan said you had a rough time but she never mentioned it was this bad."
"It was awful. I never wanted to die more in my life than that day. I could have done it. I could have ended my life." I forced myself to blink back the tears forming in my eyes as I ran a hand through my hair.
"But you didn't," Lila said, a surprising strength and ferocity in her voice. "You stopped yourself from ending your life. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I'm proud of you for overcoming that in the moment."
"It was the worst day of my life," I whispered, looking down at my hands. I turned them over, remembering the blood that had been shed on them and that realization that my hands had power to kill. I felt Lila's hand on my arm but didn't flinch this time.
"I can't imagine how terrible and difficult that must have been for you." Lila's voice was comforting. "But you got through it and now you're here." How was it that it was only a few days ago yet it felt like a lifetime ago?
"It was the only time I've hurt myself intentionally." Yet, a memory of another day, earlier in the summer, popped into my head. It was when my father had egged me on at the gym in the Russian embassy, by taunting me with Grace. I remembered crying my heart out, only to take it out on the punching bags until cuts had opened up on my hands and my muscles ached. Was that not an act of self-harm? Had I not been looking to destroy myself too in that moment, until I felt absolutely nothing, until the pain dissipated into oblivion?
"That must have been a really stressful moment for you."
"It was a nightmare, finding out about my mother. I just wanted to get out of it. I didn't care how it ended as long as I no longer had to deal with it." It was only after I said it did I realize just how it sounded.
"Oh my god, I'm sorry, that was so selfish," I said, shaking my head.
"You don't have to apologize, Alexei," Lila said, quietly but with resolve. "Your mental health wasn't at your best in that moment and you did what you could. As long as you're getting better, that's the important thing."
"Do I look better to you?" I asked. I glanced down at the cut, feeling ashamed of it. "Does that look like a sign of someone who's getting better?" That was the thing. I didn't feel like I was healing, not when my life was falling apart.
"You may not be in the best place right now but you're making progress. I only want you to get better and I'll be with you every step of the way." Lila looked at me earnestly, meaning every word she said.
"Thank you, Lila. For everything." I was lucky to have her by my side. I was grateful for her unwavering friendship and loyalty. I knew I could trust her with a lot of things and to be there for me when I needed her the most. Like now.
"Of course. It's what I'm here for." Lila glanced down at my arm, where the scar was, then looked back up at me, her eyes shining, her face kind. Despite the silence, that one glance said it all. She didn't want me hurting myself again. She just wanted me to be happy, even if that meant a life without her.
"Promise me you'll get someone to look at it," Lila said. I nodded, although it was more for her benefit than mine. She pulled me in for a hug and I hadn't realized how much I had needed one. For once, I let myself sink into it, knowing Lila would always be there to support me. It had been so long, too long, since someone had shown me kindness like this and I vowed to return the favour, now and forevermore.
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up since I don't have my schedule for my next rotation yet but I'm aiming for mid to late March.
This chapter was kinda fun to write, with some throwback elements, although I feel like it's a bit filler-y. What do you think happens next?
Update (Mar. 26): Hey guys, I'm planning to have the next chapter up next weekend (Apr 1-2)! In the meantime, stay tuned on my IG for sneak peeks and behind the scenes stuff (as I try to revive my IG after being busy with work for the last few months and not having time to create content for it)