A/N: I'm back! Sorry it isn't a Gone update, but I wanted to throw a little Christmas track in here to get back in the swing of things. I've been inundated with work stuff (it feels that way, anyway) and got way behind. Plus had some MAJOR writer's block. I may still have that; we'll see! I haven't written anything post-finale yet—not my favorite time (and that has nothing to do with NCIS: LA because in my world, that was too stupid to happen). As many of you know, I totally resent the whole "let's have a baby deal and then make it impossible for Mac to have kids!" thing, which is why I knock Mac all the time. I think the coin toss was dumb, no sex scene was unconscionable, and we should have had more than seven minutes for them to be together. And I know Harm always seemed to win on JAG so it would be nice if Mac could win and go to San Diego, but I always saw them in London. Plus, if they wanted to work on baby-making, it would be better for Mac to resign. I know, I know…how 1950's of me. But it works for me!

This story is inspired by Sarah MacLachlan's Wintersong from her first Christmas album. I've always loved that one.

Soundtracks

Track 4: Wintersong Sarah MacLachlan

I Miss You

0136 Local

Christmas 2006

Roberts Residence

Reston, VA

It's so late, or early depending on how you look at it, as I stare out across the yard. There's fresh snow on the ground and it sparkles under the glow of the streetlamps. It's beautiful, but I can't muster up anything much past indifference.

Indifference…

That's what I feel about this whole holiday…and I can't help contrasting that feeling with how I felt last Christmas. I probably stood here in this same spot, at even the same time last year, but he was with me then. His arms were around me, and life held such promise. We were newlyweds, married only seven months, and I'd never been happier. He'd never been happier. My husband…my Harm…

Now…though we're still married, we are so far from that moment at the window, and we'll never be there again.

Because I threw it all away…

With a sigh I turn away from the window and glance at the clock. My time sense has been off for weeks…ever since I walked out on us. It's just a little after one-thirty, and I tell myself to go to bed…but I know I'll just lie there and try to remember what it felt like to have his body beside me. Morning's in no hurry, and I have no desire to wait it out alone in silence.

Of course, it's nothing but silent as I stand here, tears filling my eyes. I blink them back, feeling like I don't even deserve to cry, and then I turn back toward the window.

Last year Harm and I flew back from London to spend Christmas with our friends. It had snowed on Christmas Eve, so in the morning after all the gifts were open, Harm and I took the kids outside and we built snowmen, made snow angels, and tossed around a few snowballs. At one point I'd looked toward Harm, grinning when I saw how joyful he looked, holding little Nikki up to the sky while I held her brother, little AJ and Jimmy looking up at him like he was Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and Captain America all in one. Love and happiness surrounded us, and later on when he climbed into bed with me, he told me he couldn't wait until we had children of our own. His hand moved to rest on my belly, and I prayed that one day our dream would come true. We'd been exploring our options, trying things naturally for a few months, then trying medication, and after the first of the year we were going to start the process of IVF. Harm was sure it would only take one try, and I, though a little more realistic, felt so much hope and excitement that I was convinced success was our only option.

How wrong we were…

We tried four times, each ending in failure. We started to argue. He wanted to try adoption, I wanted to keep going. It was after our fifth try that I was finally convinced we should give up. Harm was relieved and started talking adoption again…and I promptly shut him down, telling him I needed time. He gave me that, and as a thank you I told him over and over that he should find someone else, someone whole, someone younger who could give him the children he desired. He was patient at first, pleading next, and finally he was furious. We fought long into the night and as soon as he dropped off to sleep, I packed some things and left him a note, telling him we should separate. I wasn't good for him, could only make him unhappy, and he should let me go. I checked into a hotel and made arrangements to spend Christmas with the Roberts family. Harm was unable to get away from London during the Christmas holiday, so we were planning to host his parents. Glad he wouldn't be alone, I sadly packed my suitcase and left for Washington without telling him where I was going. I asked Bud and Harriet to not tell him I was staying there, not unless he specifically asked, since I didn't want them lying for me.

I have to admit, I was rather saddened when I found out he'd called the Roberts a couple of times and never once asked if I was there.

I had only seen Harm once in the month since I left. He came by my office in the US Embassy, where I worked part time, telling me he loved me and wanted me to come home, but he wouldn't ask anymore if I said no. Being as I'm here without him, you can guess what my answer was. He'd turned away from me, his shoulders slumped, and walked out of my office and out of my life. I suppose I should file for divorce…but what reason would I give?

The truth was and is that I love him. I love him more than life itself. I want to be with him. I want to fly home and beg him to take me back…but that wouldn't be fair. He should find someone who can be everything that I am not.

"I'm sorry, Harm," I whisper into the darkness, glancing up at the star on top of the tree. I think of the tree we set up at home last year—it was tiny, and the star he'd bought to put on top of it was ridiculously large in comparison, as were the F14 ornaments he'd insisted on putting on it. I don't know where he found them, but we didn't have anything else; I'd put most of that sort of thing from my apartment in storage.

Honestly, it was the most beautiful tree I'd ever seen.

We didn't even put up a tree this year…but I do have something from last year's tree in my pocket. I'd impulsively snatched it out of the box it was stored in and slipped it into my pack. Now it rests in the pocket of my robe, and I draw it out.

The miniature jet is surprisingly detailed, and I dangle it in front of my face for a moment, studying it. It hits me then that I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Okay, so I already knew that. I've always known that I've thrown away the best thing in my life, and now all I have left is this little F14, and I don't even deserve that.

I lower the ornament and hang it on one of the last empty branches of the tree. One of the lights shines just right on it, illuminating the cockpit, and I remember all the times we flew together. Those flights often ended in disaster…but what I wouldn't give to be back in those moments now. We were together. We were best friends.

I pull the ornament from the tree again and press my lips to it before putting it back on the branch. Merry Christmas, Flyboy. Oh, I miss you now, my love…

"I was wondering where that one went." The words are so soft that I don't even startle.

"I wanted something to remind me of you," I answer. My heart speeds up then, but I force myself not to turn around. I'm sure I hallucinated hearing his voice. I must have, he couldn't be here, but I keep talking to it. "But all around me are reminders of you. Everywhere I go…"

"That must be hard," Harm's voice answers sympathetically, and a few tears trickle down my cheeks.

"No, it isn't. Hard is knowing I'll never feel your arms around me again," I whisper, and suddenly there's a warmth at my back, and my heart is hammering in my chest so hard and loud that it's practically deafening.

"It doesn't have to be that way, Sarah."

The tears are flowing in torrents now, and I can barely get out my next words. "Yes, it does…I don't deserve…I don't deserve it…you…"

"Yes, you do, Mac…you do…" I still don't turn around, despite the fact that heavy hands are now resting on my shoulders. I still feel as though if I do turn around and acknowledge that he is here, he'll disappear in an instant.

"Turn around, Sarah. Please," the voice of Harm continues, and though I'm still terrified he won't actually be there, I finally do when he asks me a second time.

It's then that his strong arms go around me and I'm now sobbing into his chest. I know I'm practically incoherent as I sputter out apology after apology while he murmurs calm and soothing nonsense into my hair, his hand traveling up and down my spine as he comforts me. Finally, I pull back a little and look him in the eye, and what I see is what has always been there…

Love…

"Oh, Harm," I breathe, and the next thing I know his lips are on mine and we are kissing passionately.

"This doesn't solve everything, Harm," I say as we lie cuddled against each other in the Roberts' guest bedroom. As awkward as it was knowing Bud and Harriet were just down the hall, Harm and I had made love quietly, are bodies reacquainting themselves in that ancient ritual. Though silent, it was one of the most intense love-making experiences I have ever had. Harm's touch, a touch I had missed more than life, was soothing to my soul, and for the first time in months, I had hope that I would heal. I don't mean in body…the endometriosis, fate's cruel joke on me, will never leave, but in heart and mind. But still…it's not as if my insecurities aren't still there. I will never give Harm the child he so deserves. I still worry he'll grow to resent me…that I'll—"

"I could never resent you, Mac."

"What?" I didn't think I had said anything out loud.

"I said, I could never resent you. And no, you didn't say anything out loud…but I know you, Mac. And I know that this doesn't solve everything, but I want you to come home. To me. I know I said I wouldn't ask you to that again, and I know you're afraid that I'll grow to hate you because we can't have children together, but nothing, nothing, could be further from the truth. I've loved you almost from the first time I met you, and that baby deal, as sincere as it was, was still more of a way to keep you in my life after I left to fly. And don't you remember what I told you at the Admiral's dining out? I said it didn't matter how it happened, just that it happened between us, and that includes if it's just you and me, honey."

I can't speak for several minutes because I'm so overwhelmed with love for this man, and so overcome with the thought that I almost…almost, threw it all away.

"Mac?" Harm finally calls, and I push myself up on one elbow to be able to look into his eyes as I speak to him.

"You'd really be okay if it was just us?" I ask, even though he's told me he would be multiple times in the past several months. It's just that now, I might be ready to believe him.

Harm gazes up at me solemnly and nods. "Yes, Sarah, I would be," he says, just as if he's answering that question for the first time, and for the first time I don't try to contradict him.

"Okay," I say after a few moments. I lower myself back down and snuggle up to him, letting my fingers trace idle patterns on his bare chest as I throw my leg over his.

"Just okay?" There's the barest hint of skepticism there, and it reminds me that I can't expect Harm to just forget the last months ever happened, that what just happened between us really doesn't solve everything. I'll need to work on regaining his trust again, and that means working on myself. I haven't seen a counselor since Harm won the coin toss and we left for London. It's time I got back into that—I need more help to work through my infertility. I tell Harm all of this, and he cuddles me closer, telling me he thinks that is a wonderful idea. We should probably do couples counseling as well and I worry Harm won't feel comfortable with that. My fears are unfounded, though; he actually brings it up first, and relieved, I tell him I will set something for later in January, after I return to London. Speaking of…

"Harm?"

"Yes, honey?

"I thought you couldn't get away for Christmas this year."

Harm is quiet for a moment, and I start worry that he's done it again…given up his career for me. I hold my breath, waiting for an answer.

"I told General Cresswell that I needed some family leave."

"Oh…and he told you where to find me?" I don't know how I feel about that, but I suppose Cresswell hadn't any idea that I'd wanted secrecy; he'd stopped by here to talk to Bud a few days ago and found me instead.

I can feel Harm shake his head. "No…he didn't say anything about you. I just…I just knew you were here…and no, I didn't call Bud or try to find out your travel arrangements. I just…knew."

"But how, Harm?"

"Mac, baby…didn't I tell you once that I always know where you are?"

"Yeah, but I thought…um, yes you did, Harm."

"And Mac…did you really think I'd let you go now after we finally got our heads out of our collective sixes? Did you really think I wouldn't follow you?"

At those questions, I burst into tears. I have no choice but to admit that yes, yes, I did. "I'm sorry, Harm."

Harm pulls me to rest on top of him. "It's okay, Mac…it's all going to be okay. We're going to work through this, all right? I promise. And you know I—"

"Never make a promise you don't expect to keep."

"That's right…and now, why don't we try to get some sleep. If memory serves, little AJ is going to burst in here in about two hours, demanding we go and help him unwrap all of his gifts."

I'm already starting to drift off so Harm doesn't hear any protest from me. A thought hits me before I'm completely out, though, and I burst awake.

"Mac?"

"Um, yeah…Harm…I'm not really ready to go forward with it yet…but I want to talk about…adoption. About our options…soon. Please?"

Harm is once again silent for long moments. When he does speak, there's great emotion, even tears in his voice as he answers.

"That would be…that would be wonderful, Mac."

August 2007

1000 Local

Heathrow Airport

London, England

"Do you see them yet?" I ask my husband, knowing his superior height gives him quite the advantage at times. He shakes his head, though, and the three of us continue to wait.

That's right, I said three of us…

A lot has happened since last Christmas.

Harm and I returned to London together on New Year's Day and he and I both started therapy shortly thereafter. Things were going well, so I broached the subject of adoption in February, telling Harm I was ready to consider it. We started looking into it, and then tragedy struck.

Harm's half-brother, Sergei and he had mended their relationship and had even visited each other a few times since we'd moved to London. He and his wife, Galina, had just had their first child when they were killed in a car accident. Amazingly, three-week-old Alexei survived, and per Sergei's and Galina's wishes, we were given Alexei and we have now had him since he was five weeks old. He's our son, has been since we first held him in our arms, and he's been officially our son since the adoption was finalized last month. He's now six months old, and he's the light of our lives. Harm still grieves over his brother, but having Alexei with us has eased some of the pain. Alexei definitely favors his father's side, and that Rabb smile of his will likely get him anything he wants someday. Well, not just someday…his father and I are already pushovers…especially Harm. It doesn't take a genius to realize who will be the disciplinarian at our house.

Harm is holding our son, entertaining him by blowing raspberries on his belly, and I have to laugh at the baby's happy giggles. Harm and I are so enthralled by our boy, that we don't even notice Bud and Harriet come up to us with their brood. Harriet's pregnant again, another girl, and Harriet has told me (and Bud) in no uncertain terms that they are DONE after this child. Bud would probably be embarrassed if he knew that I had already heard about his visit to the doctor for a certain procedure.

The nine of us exchange hugs and smiles while we wait for their bags to arrive at baggage claim. Harriet told me they packed fairly light; their remaining items have been shipped and will arrive…sometime. I'm not worried, though, that they won't have what they need; Harriet is a master planner and packer. I was surprised when I heard she'd finally agreed to the move to London so Bud could be Harm's righthand man, but I'm very excited to have our friends near again.

It takes a while, but finally the luggage is here and we have everything in hand. Harm is helping with the heaviest bags, leaving me to carry Alexei. I could have carried a small bag as well, but Harm vetoed that immediately after I suggested it. Sometimes he's just way too protective and I spend much of my time rolling my eyes affectionately at his back over it.

"I thought we'd just put a few things on the grill at the house rather than going out—easier on the kids and I'd like to get Mac off her feet." I'd roll my eyes at that comment too, but I wouldn't mind getting off my feet either.

"Same for Harriet," Bud chimes in, and she and I exchange smiles over the care our husbands show us. Harriet is due in about two months, and I'm, well…

"How are you doing, ma'am?" Bud asks, and I admonish him with my eyes to call me Mac. "Okay, how are you doing, Mac?" he grins. I grin back at him and pat my rounded belly. I feel the baby move inside me, our little girl, and despite feeling her move for months now, I still find it hard to believe.

"Just a month to go! Everything is fine, I feel great…mostly, and I think we have everything ready."

Harm chimes in then, and I have to smother a laugh at his expense.

"I keep telling her to take it easy, to slow down. She doesn't need to be going up and down the stairs with the laundry. She doesn't need to wait up for me when I'm working late, and she doesn't need to be setting up bassinets and swings and—"

"Harm," I interrupt lovingly. "I promise you, as soon as we get home, I will sit on the couch and put my feet up." I look over at Bud next. "And so will Harriet." Both men agree, and I'm looking forward to watching those two trying to handle five children as Harm gets lunch ready. I give my belly another pat, then shift Alexei in my arms, and as always, I can't help but marvel at my two little miracles.

Christmas last year not only brought Harm and me back together; it also gave us the most unlikely miracle as well…I got pregnant that day, though I didn't realize it until long after most women would. I'm still embarrassed about that, but Harm keeps telling me I shouldn't be too hard on myself. After all, we were told I had less than a five percent chance of conceiving naturally, my periods were never regular, and we'd failed at five cycles of IVF. I had been feeling good for the most part and had thought my fatigue was due to having an infant in the house. Two months after we brought Alexei home, I started having more pain and saw my Ob/gyn. I was convinced I had cancer or something equally horrible and was not prepared for what the doctor saw on the ultrasound screen.

"Well, it looks like you're about twenty-two weeks along, Mrs. Rabb. Why didn't you come in sooner?" she'd asked, and I'd just stared at her blankly. Then she asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby and I'd just nodded, expecting any moment to wake up from a bizarre dream.

"Well, it looks like you're having a…girl!" she said triumphantly, and then she finished the ultrasound, completed the exam, and had some bloodwork drawn. I walked out of the office with several ultrasound pictures of my daughter an hour later, in absolute shock, only to burst into tears on the sidewalk outside. The receptionist saw me and quickly ushered me back in, and in a few moments I was back in the exam room, telling Dr. Getty that I'd had absolutely no idea I was pregnant, that I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant, and that I was worried my stupidity was going to harm the baby. They got me calmed down, did their best to reassure me, and then called Harm, who showed up twenty minutes later with Alexei in his arms, looking pale and terrified. When the doctor explained things to him and I showed him the ultrasound photos, he burst into tears as well. The next thing Dr. Getty knew, she had two adults sobbing in her office along with one wailing baby. She must have figured she'd have a better chance at calming Alexei down, so when Harm and I got ourselves together, we found him sitting on her lap, smiling brilliantly, grabbing for anything he could on her desk. I'm sure Harm and I were subjects of dinner time table-talk at Dr. Getty's house.

It's hard to believe that after last Christmas's pain, Harm and I have this wonderful new life. Our marriage was nearly over, at least to me, I was grieving anew at my inability to bear children, and the prospect of happiness seemed so out of reach. And now…

Harm and I are stronger than ever. It isn't just because of the babies—we really worked at therapy and continue with it today. We have a son and we soon will have a daughter. Our dear friends are finally here with us, and I know this Christmas will be wonderful. Perfect.

Miraculous.

End Track 4

A/N2: Take that, writers! I knocked up Mac again! *laughs maniacally* You'll notice I ignored Mattie. I don't know where she is…maybe she's just a figment of the imagination, which is where I would prefer her to be. Nice kid, but really…Sorry I killed Sergei to harvest his kid, but I'm not the first author to do so—JulieM has a lovely story featuring a child of Sergei. Now, it is time to work on Gone. I hope it won't be too long until my next update—at least I have some time now to finally write—it's been quite the last couple of months. Thanks for reading!