A/N: A new soundtrack…someday I'll get back to the rest of my stuff.

A/N: 2: So, I reworked this a bit. I like it a bit better (because I kinda hated the other one). I hope you do too!

Soundtracks

Track 8: Fade into You Mazzy Star

You Never Knew

She moves around the room silently, gathering her things, desperate to get out of this room before he wakes up. It's become too stifling here, too oppressive, and it's not because the air conditioning can't keep up…it's him. Turning back toward him, seeing his lightly snoring form, fills her with a painful combination of fury and longing and guilt, and the feeling overflows into tears that fall from her eyes. She forgets herself for a moment, giving a little sniffle that sounds like a cyclone in the quiet of a room. She freezes in place, praying the errant sound doesn't wake him. She doesn't even swipe the tears from her face, afraid the rustle of her clothing will rouse him. She knows he won't let her leave; he'll tell her it's unsafe to go out at night, that Sadik could be lying in wait, that she'll be at risk for a mugging or, Heaven forbid, rape. He'll drag her back to bed after a long lecture and then she'll be forced to lie beside him while he sleeps and she tries not to break down. He's already hurt her tonight by telling her once again that any man who gets involved with her will end up dead. He's hurt her by telling her she can have Webb…when all she wants, all she's ever wanted, is him.

She knows she's hurt him too in the last couple of days. She's told him the Navy is all he has. She's thrown what he's done for her in his face, she's kissed Webb…

Webb.

She kissed him because he'd kept her safe. Kissed him because he'd told her how he felt about her. Kissed him because she'd thought he was going to die.

She didn't mean for Harm to see it.

She had wanted Harm to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. She had wanted Harm to kiss her…to love her. And now that will never happen. He didn't love her. She was a friend and nothing more…actually she most likely wasn't even that.

And the truth was…the man she'd kissed instead of Harm hadn't kept her safe. Not really. Oh yes, she hadn't physically been tortured…but the mental torture…listening to Webb's screams…watching the missionaries being executed in front of her eyes…Sadik stabbing her in the belly and though it was entirely fake, she couldn't stop imagining that it was real…that the child she carried inside had been murdered.

She has no doubt she's now utterly fucked in the head. It's just as well he doesn't want her…she'll never be good for anyone anymore.

Now, after days and a night of arguing…of flinging insults back and forth, she's done. After all, he's obviously done with her. He's gotten her out of the mess she and Webb created, she's safe, he's done his job…thrown away his career for her…

Oh, god…no wonder he hates her. He has nothing because of her.

And she has no idea why…because he wouldn't tell her why.

For a brief moment, she actually had thought he'd done it out of love for her, but he'd quickly disabused her of that notion. It was obvious by the way they argued that he didn't and doesn't want her…but he couldn't just flat out tell her.

Bastard. What the hell did he want from her?

Now, the fury overrides her feelings of longing and guilt. She has to get out of here before she does the girl thing and cries because she's so angry. She's too exhausted and too broken to keep it together this time.

She grabs for the tote she hastily stuffed with the little she's acquired here and turns toward the door.

Goodbye, Harm. I'm sorry.

And just like that, fury turns into sorrow. She definitely knows she's fucked up now; her emotions are so unstable.

Her shaking hand reaches for the doorknob…

"Mac, where are you going?"

She startles and she hears his softly spoken apology, but she doesn't turn around. She won't let him see her tears. She reaches for the doorknob again…

"Mac." His voice stops her again. "Where— "

"Out."

"You can't."

Just watch me. She pulls at the door, but of course his palm flattens itself against it, trapping her. He's so close now she can feel the heat of him. Goosebumps pepper her skin, and she knows a tilt of her head would bring her ear to his arm. A half-step back would bring her into contact with…him.

"Why?" His voice is soft and low, barely above a whisper, and she has the unwanted thought that that is how he must sound in the bedroom while making love to a woman that's not her. Never her.

"I have to. I can't stay here."

"Why not?"

"You know why."

"Mac." His hand leaves the door and then both hands rest on her shoulders. "Turn around."

"No. Let me go."

"I can't do that— "

"You don't have a choice, Harm," she interrupts him. His name on her tongue burns. She doesn't want to ever say it again.

"But you don't know…"

"Know what, Harm?" His name falls from her unwilling lips, while her tote falls from her arm.

"Why I came for you."

"Because you won't tell me!" she cries, angrier at herself than him that he's affected her this way. She takes a calming breath. "It doesn't matter now anyway. Let me go. And don't tell me it's not safe or tell me I have no idea where I'm going. I do know."

"You do? Then where—"

"Away from here!" She tries to shrug his hands off her shoulders, but they hold fast.

"Let go. Please." She's not above begging to get out from under his oppressive presence.

"Not until we talk." His tone strikes her as inappropriately authoritative, and she wants to turn around and break his jaw. She doesn't, though. He can't be allowed to see her pain.

"Harm, it really doesn't matter. I-I'm sorry I cost your career and I'll be forever grateful to you for saving me. Just leave it at that, Ha—." She cuts herself off before she can utter his name a third time.

"We can't do that, Mac. I can't do that."

"Har—" She stops her tongue abruptly and closes her eyes, every muscle in her body tense.

"Why won't you say my name, Sarah?" He runs his hands along her arms until he can entwine his fingers with hers. He starts to pull her closer.

She can barely think, can barely speak as she unconsciously leans back. "Be-because af-after this, I won't see you. I won't talk about you. I never want to say your name again."

"Oh, Mac…"

"If I say it, I'll have to remember you, and I want to forget you."

"Why do you want to forget me, Sarah?"

"Because…"

"Because?"

At that, she does wrench away from him, so hard and fast that she almost hits the door. Almost, because his hands, still entwined with hers, stop her.

"Because I can't do this with you anymore. I can't. You don't want me. You never wanted me…but you won't let me go!"

"Sarah—"

"Stop it."

"No—"

She rips her hands from his, no small feat, and whips around. Her hand forms into a fist and she pulls her arm back, preparing to strike, but he's prepared for it too and her fist strikes air. She tumbles forward and his arms go around her, crushing her to his chest. She fights it for a moment, even manages to turn back around, but then her exhaustion catches up with her and she sags against him.

"Oh, Sarah…I do want you." His head dips and he nuzzles her cheek with his.

"Don't," she whispers. She feels his lips against her ear anyway.

"Please stop," she begs. But she wants to feel his lips on her ear again. She wants to feel his warm breath caress her skin.

"God, you're beautiful." He punctuates his words with another kiss.

"So are a million other women."

"Not like you." She feels a kiss on her neck.

"But you couldn't…you couldn't even…when we were here earlier…"

"I wasn't ready then."

"For god's sake, Harm! That was only a few hours ago! And you expect me to believe you've suddenly—"

"Mac…"

"Shut up. Just shut up. If you really wanted me, you would have—"

"Dammit, Mac! I thought I was going to throw up!"

"Oh, that makes me feel better!" She's incredulous-this excuse is not what she was expecting…it's such a departure from this irritatingly romantic setting…and what does it say about her…them…if his reaction to telling her he wants her is extreme nausea.

"The concussion…the stress…I had a killer headache…" he continues. She is not amused.

"Oh, that's a good one. The man has the headache."

"This isn't going well, Mac, is it…"

"You think?"

"Can we start over?" he asks plaintively, and she nearly laughs. They'd tried starting over, had gone back to the beginning once before. It certainly hadn't worked then.

She feels him sigh.

"Fine…I'll let you go—"

"Good." She tries to step away, but as before, he stops her. "Dammit, Harm!"

"I'll let you go…after you hear me out." He starts in, pleading his case in words that come out so fast that it's futile to try to interrupt him again.

"I'm sorry, Mac. So sorry. I've been so scared…scared for you. I knew you were going to die. I just knew it, and so I left. I quit the navy to save you. Only you. And then everything turned into a shitshow. You just…you weren't you."

Mac's heart fills with resentment. "Did you honestly expect to me to be? I'd been strapped to a table. I was going to be tortured. Shocked. They tortured Webb like that. I had to listen to him scream. I had to—"

"I know. I know, Mac, and I'm sorry. I—I was jealous. You and Webb had gotten so close…"

"You're bringing up Webb again? For fuck's sake, Harm!" Mac inwardly cringes at her profanity…cringes more when she realizes she's let Harm hold her for the last several minutes. She has to get away now, more than ever. "Harm…please."

"I'm not done," he says stubbornly. "Yes, Mac. I was jealous. Confused. And then we crashed. You were so angry, and I…well, I felt like shit."

"Shit…well, join the party, Harm. We all did. Especially Webb." She isn't sure why she feels the need to mention the spook again. Of course, that isn't entirely true…deep down, she knows she brought up Webb to goad Harm.

He snorts. "I suppose so, but I gotta confess…I'm having a hard time feeling bad for him. He nearly got you killed."

She doesn't want to talk about that. Not now. She lived it. She's going to be messed up because of it, and for the foreseeable future.

"Sarah, I really wish you'd turn around." His voice has taken on that bedroom timbre again and she feels a spark deep in her core. Her voice is gone; she can only shake her head.

"Sarah…okay…fine. But I am going to tell you why I came for you, and you're going to listen."

She nods. Anything to get her out of here faster.

"Thank you, Mac." Her eyes close as he shifts and tightens his hold on her.

"Well, like I said…you're beautiful." There's a nuzzle to her cheek again.

Like I said, Harm…just like a million other women.

"More beautiful than any other woman in the world." He kisses her behind the ear. She rolls her eyes, though he can't see it.

Right.

"You're funny. You don't let it out at work a lot, but you make me laugh whenever we're together." His lips find her neck.

Keeter makes you laugh too, Harm. Maybe you should go rescue him from somewhere. Before she can stop herself, she stretches to give him more access to her skin.

"You're kind." A kiss to her jaw…

"You're sweet." A kiss to her neck…

"You're smart…so smart that sometimes I wonder why you even bother talking to me." His lips find and caress the curve where her neck meets her shoulder.

"You're strong.

"You're gentle. Gentle with little AJ, with Chloe…hell, you were even gentle with my neighbor's demon cat!"

A snort of laughter escapes from her lips before she can stop it, and then suddenly her eyes are filling with tears. That cat, and she was a demon, died years ago…when there'd been no leaving to fly, no Mic, no René… back when their friendship was just something simple and good.

"You're my best friend." Her tears are now flowing freely. Harm starts kissing them away.

"And finally, Mac…I came for you because…"

Please, please, Harm. Don't say it now…

"I love you, Mac."

At that, a sob escapes. "No— "

"I love you, Mac."

"No, you don't!" She chokes out between sobs.

"Yes, I do, Mac. Didn't you know?"

At that she absolutely freezes. Of course, she didn't know.

"How—how could I? You never…you never said…"

"Well, I'm saying it now."

"But it doesn't change anything, Harm."

"Why not, Sarah?"

"Because once again, I have one foot out the door, and you're just…"

"But Mac, why else would I—"

"Because we were good friends once, Harm."

"And we're not anymore?"

Mac bites her lip. "I—I didn't say that. We're just not…close, anymore, Harm."

"I want us to be close again, Mac. Closer, even. But—"

"Dammit, Harm! There you go again…backing away!"

"I'm not backing away this time, Sarah." As if to prove his point, his arms tighten to the point that they're practically imprisoning her.

"You will, Harm. It's what we always do. We've been doing this dance for years…and I can't do it anymore. Please…just let me…"

"Sarah, baby…"

"No…"

"What can I do to convince you, honey?"

"I don't know, Harm. I don't think you can."

She expects him to let her go now, even starts moving forward, but no…she's still tight against his chest. She thinks about struggling, forcing him to release her from his hold, but her traitorous body keeps her still. He starts rocking her side to side, and in the quiet of the room, he starts humming a tune. It's familiar to her though she can't place it, but it still hits her that it's the perfect music for the dance in which they're currently indulging. It's slow, quiet, and she starts to relax in spite of herself. It's then that Harm starts to whisper in her ear…

"Mac, sweetheart…I do love you." He's nuzzling her again, and the unshaven hairs of his cheek against hers cause her to shiver. "It feels like I've loved you forever—so long that there's a part of me that thinks it's strange you never knew." Her mouth drops open at that, but before she can call him out on that, he's speaking again. "But I suppose I shouldn't be…no one wants to be a mind reader, do they…and since I've never said…I'm so sorry, baby." One of his big hands is now lightly rubbing circles over her tummy. "Mac, I do want to make love to you…I want to not know where one of us ends and the other begins…but it's more than that…I don't want to just be physically close to you…I want to have your mind…your soul…I want you to have mine. You already hold my heart…and at one time…before I messed everything up…I think I held yours. Before Bud's accident…before we served on the bench…before Singer…we…we'd just sort of faded into a relationship…and then we faded out of it, without even knowing it...this time I don't want to just fade into it…into you. I'm telling you once and for all that I love you and that if I hadn't found you and you died, I would have died too. It's as simple as that."

"Nothing's simple with you, Harm. You make everything complicated…and as soon as we go home, you'll find a way to complicate this. I may love you…I do love you…I want everything you said, and I've wanted it for years…but after everything…how can I…"

"How can you believe I'm not telling you all of this because you have 'one foot out the door'?"

She nods, her hair brushing against bare chest.

"Kick of your shoes and come back to the bed. I'll tell it all to you again. And I'll tell you on the plane ride…there's no way you'll have one foot out the door then. And then I'll take you home and say it over and over until you finally believe me."

"Don't make jokes, Harm."

"I'm not, Mac. In fact, I'm very, very serious."

"And I'm very, very scared, Harm."

"Oh, honey…"

"This dance of ours has never gone well. We both want to lead, and we both know that's impossible."

He's silent for long moments and she's sure he's finally given up. Even more sure when his arms drop from around her…

But then he's whipping her around and pulling her into his arms. One arm is around her waist, the other around her shoulders, and then they're swaying again. "Well, then…let's start a new dance…we'll just have to take turns leading."

"But there's…there's no music." Her voice is a whisper as her lame excuse falls from her lips. She knows damn well they aren't referring to an actual dance.

"We'll make our own, Mac. We always do." He starts to hum again, and she finally finds the courage to look up at him. To look him in the eye…

And see the truth…

The apologies…

The love…

"Harm…" she breathes, and then…they kiss…

Their lip meet…their tongues mingle…their breaths fade into each other…

The kiss fades into caresses, clothes fade from their bodies, and then they fade into each other as their bodies become one. Harm makes love to her, slowly, gently, and it's the most erotic, beautiful love she's ever experienced. Later, after they are both spent, Harm starts to lift himself away from her. Her legs go around his hips and keep him from leaving her.

"You can't leave now, Harm. Not until you know…"

He smiles down at her. "Know what?"

"That I love you, Harm."

His grin splits his face, and she knows she's seeing a flyboy grin that will be hers alone.

"I love you."

End Track 8