A/N: So, I made myself a playlist on Spotify of all the songs that have inspired my stories. Spotify now has this "enhance" feature where it adds in song they think would fit in your list. I discovered this song in that way. Honestly, this feature is probably the only thing that exposes me to today's music (beyond Taylor Swift :))—I probably stopped seeking out new music around 1991 with the advent of grunge. Anyway, that's neither here nor there really—this story takes place in season 9 before Harm returns to JAG—it's a fluffier version on how our two lovelies might reconnect after their separation. I'm pretending Mac got some help after Paraguay and while they're both upset about things, they're not so angry. Enjoy!

Soundtracks

Track 12: What If I Love You Gatlin

Once in a Lifetime

"Once in a lifetime." Mac spoke the words out loud in her otherwise empty apartment. In one hand, she held the picture of her and Harm in Afghanistan; in the other, she held the phone, her thumb poised over the keypad. Don't do it. Don't do it, she begged herself, but she couldn't stop her thumb from dialing Harm's number. Number sixteen…come on, Harm. Pick up, pick up, pick up…

He didn't pick up. He must be busy.

Right.

Mac sighed and left another pathetic message. Okay, so it wasn't so pathetic. It was just a simple "Hey, it's me again. Please call me back."

But she felt pathetic.

Mac knew she'd royally screwed up. It wasn't all her fault; Harm had contributed to the demise of their relationship as well, but Mac knew she bore the greatest responsibility for everything. She was the one who'd gone on that ill-fated mission. She was the one who'd caused Harm to give up everything to rescue her. She was the one who'd said never.

But maybe if he hadn't been such a jackass…

Mac leaned back into her couch and studied the picture of the two of them in happier times. His arm was thrown over her shoulders as they each smiled tiredly for the camera, and at that moment in time, Mac had never been happier.

And of course, things had gone downhill after that.

Mac felt a tear slide down her cheek. Harm was her once in a lifetime love, and she had ruined it. She dropped her face into her hands.

"Oh, just kill me," she groaned.

"Once in a lifetime." Harm spoke the words out loud in his otherwise empty apartment. In one hand, he held the photo of him and Mac in Afghanistan; in the other, he held his car keys. He'd been sitting on the couch, debating on going out for…whatever. Oh, who was he kidding. He knew he'd just drive around past his…her…old haunts, looking for her car…

He'd done that every time he'd been home since he'd started working for the CIA. Each time, he'd promise himself he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't spend two hours looking for her, he wouldn't drive by her apartment…but he always did, and now that he'd been let go from the CIA, he'd have plenty of time to try to "accidently" run into her.

He knew he'd royally screwed up. The demise of his and Mac's relationship wasn't all his fault, but he'd certainly contributed to a significant portion of it. He shouldn't have let his jealousy over the connection she'd formed with Webb during their captivity overwhelm him. He should have just told her that he, well, really, really liked her. Oh, who was he kidding again? He loved her.

Harm glanced down at the picture in his hand. He remembered how he'd slung his arm over Mac's shoulders and she'd snuggled into his side, not that anyone would have been able to tell. He knew, though. He could feel the heat of her under his arm as he tightened his hold on her, and he knew then that he'd never been happier.

And of course, things had gone downhill after that.

Harm's eyes grew suspiciously wet. Mac had been his once in a lifetime love, and he had ruined it. He dropped his face in his hands.

"Oh, just kill me," he groaned.

By now she should be okay, right? It had been five months since she had seen him. Plenty of time to get over him.

Wrong.

She'd never get over him. Harmon Rabb, Jr had laid claim to her heart, her soul, years ago, and he didn't even know it. That was probably her fault too; she hadn't told him before he left to fly, she'd bungled her "proposition" to him in Sydney, and despite a stolen kiss on cool spring night, they couldn't straight out declare their love for each other. No, she hadn't meant Mic when she'd told him he had someone who loved him.

Then came the worst blow to their relationship. Paraguay. A beautiful country forever tainted by the horrors she'd faced there. She'd been forced to endure hours of listening to Webb scream as Sadik's men tortured him, and then had nearly been tortured herself. She would have been; she was already shackled to the table and her captors were warming up their battery to put her through what Webb had suffered.

But then Harm happened. He'd burst through the door, killing Sadik's henchmen before freeing her. Once they were able to destroy Sadik's stinger missile and survived a plane crash, they'd shared a hotel room. One would have assumed Harm would have declared his love for her then, but one would be wrong. They'd sniped at each other mercilessly even after a near kiss that was interrupted by Webb.

Speaking of kisses and Webb, before leaving the hacienda, she'd…kissed Webb. She'd wanted to shut him up and it seemed the easiest way, but that backfired. She knew scuttlebutt said she was with the spook, but nothing could be further than the truth, and as for Harm, scuttlebutt (Webb) said Harm was with his "wife," a CIA lawyer named Catherine Gale. Mac knew Catherine was pretty and blonde, and she had no doubt that the other woman would look good on Harm's arm. Mac was sure Harm was doing just fine…

She was too, or at least she was better than she was. Counseling was helping a lot, and she was grateful the admiral had insisted on it, but she couldn't exactly say she was "okay."

Without Harm, she probably wouldn't ever be totally okay.

"Dammit," she muttered to herself, then picked up her phone once again. "Number seventeen!" she called out in a sing-song voice, then dialed Harm's number…again.

Harm knew that by now he should be okay with everything, but he most certainly wasn't. He'd ignored her calls for the last five months, though it was getting harder and harder to hold back when he'd hear her voice on the line. A mere five minutes ago, he'd wanted to answer so bad his hand had started to shake, and now he was itching to call her back.

"Why can't I get over you, Mac?" he said into the quiet. There was, of course, no answer, but it had been a rhetorical question anyway. He knew he'd never get over her. He'd been done for life the moment she'd pulled a gun on him in an Arizona desert nearly a decade ago.

Harm hadn't known how to answer the admiral when the older man had asked what he was going to do to keep Mac after he rescued her. He merely told his CO he hadn't thought that far ahead, but that wasn't entirely true. He'd planned to kiss her and love her for all eternity. Instead, he'd had to watch her kiss Webb, then just when he thought he'd finally be on the receiving end of one of her kisses, Webb had interrupted them. Then Mac had said never, and he'd returned home brokenhearted, and life went on.

Had anyone asked, he would have truthfully told them he didn't regret giving up his career to save Mac, but he sure wished he had something more to show for it. Unfortunately, scuttlebutt said Mac was with Webb, and Harm knew scuttlebutt said he was with Catherine Gale. Nothing could have been further from the truth; his "wife" was quite pregnant with another man's baby and had no interest in a relationship with the man with whom she'd faked a wedding ceremony.

With a long, heavy sigh, Harm lay back on his couch after tossing his keys on the coffee table in front of him. Tonight, he would absolutely not go looking for her car…

But maybe he could call her back…

He reached for his phone.

"Hey, Harm. It's me. Again. Look, I'm sure you're busy, but I'd really like to talk to you. Um, I'm leaving in about an hour to meet Bud and Harriet and the crew at McMurphy's. I'll probably be there a couple of hours. If you're in town, maybe you could stop by. I know they all miss you too. Hey, did you know Carolyn Imes isn't a real lawyer? The admiral will probably call you about the cases you two shared. Maybe he'll ask you back? I wish you were here, Harm. Call m—"

The machine cut off her ramblings, for which Mac was relieved. She'd been going on and on, had actually brought up the admiral and Carolyn Imes, who really wasn't a lawyer, and Mac could feal her face flush to the tip of her ears.

"Oh, lord, what's wrong with me?" she whispered, then decided she'd better get off her six and get ready to meet the JAG crew. A night out would get her mind off Harm…but maybe, just maybe…Harm would show up tonight.

Right. And pigs can fly.

She could still hope.

Harm jumped as the phone rang underneath his hand. He could see Mac's name on the caller ID, and he froze. She never called twice in the same night. Something had to be wrong. Or not. He was just about to pick up his phone again when the machine beat him to it. He listened to her rambling message, rather shocked when he heard about Carolyn Imes. All right, so maybe he wasn't so shocked. It wasn't as if he hadn't beat her six times running. But there was obviously something more important in her message than that, and no, it wasn't that the admiral might contact him or ask him back.

Mac would be at McMurphy's. He wouldn't have to "accidentally" run into her, and she actually wanted to see him.

But then again, maybe he was being too nice, contemplating dropping everything to see her tonight.

Harm chuckled to himself. The only thing he'd have to drop tonight was playing sad songs on his guitar. Harm grabbed his keys and was out the door within two minutes. He thought he'd lurk outside McMurphy's and wait for Mac to show up. If she was with Webb, he could turn right around and take his broken heart home. If she wasn't…well, then perhaps his night would end differently.

Mac pulled up to McMurphy's and took a deep breath. Tonight could be the night she'd be reunited with Harm…or it could be another night that would end in disappointment and disillusionment. She hesitated for a moment before shutting off her car; here in her 'vette, she could still enjoy the heady feeling of anticipation and optimism. Once she stepped out into the dark, she'd have to face the cold reality that Harm might not be here.

With a quick entreaty to the heavens, she turned off her car, opened the door, and stepped out…

"Mac?"

"What the fu—Harm! You scared me!"

Harm couldn't stop smiling. Here she was, standing before him, hand on her chest…terrified…

Harm stepped out of the corner where he'd been lurking and further into the light. "I'm sorry, Mac."

"What the hell? What, were you planning to jump out and kill me?"

"Of course not! I'm here to see you!"

"Were you just going to "see" me, or were you actually going to talk to me?"

"I'm talking to you now!"

"Oh." Mac folded her arms over her chest. "So, um, how did you know I was here?"

"You told me, Mac."

Mac chuckled nervously. "Yeah, I did, didn't I."

"Yeah, you did." Harm took a step closer to her. "What do you say we start this over?" He flashed her a grin, his tongue poking endearingly between his teeth.

"I'd like that, Harm."

"Okay, then. Mac, it's really great to see you. How've you been?"

Mac's eyes grew just a little bit wet. "Oh, you know…how are you?"

"I'm okay. I've missed you, Mac."

"I've missed you too, Harm. A lot." She took a step closer to him.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Mac chewed nervously on her lower lip. "You never answered my calls"

"No, ah, I didn't."

"Why not?"

Harm shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels. "Um…I guess at first I was too angry."

"At first?"

"Uh huh. And then, I was too sad."

"Why were you sad?" Mac spoke in a near whisper, and Harm answered in kind.

"Because you…you're with Webb."

Mac's eyes widened. "I'm not with Webb, Harm."

"You're not?"

"No. But…I mean, I've heard…"

"Heard what, Mac?"

"That you're with Catherine Gale."

"Uh, no, I'm not, Mac."

"Oh."

"Yeah…Mac, I think we…"

"Royally screwed up?" She looked up at him impishly and Harm chuckled.

"Yeah, Mac. I'd say we did."

"Harm?" Mac said after a few heartbeats.

"Yes, Mac?"

"Thank you for saving me."

"You're welcome. And Mac? I'm sorry I was such a jealous jerk."

"I shouldn't have kissed Webb. I didn't mean it, and I didn't mean—"

"Never?"

"Yeah."

"Oh…okay, good."

Neither of them said anything for long seconds, though their hearts pounded nervously in their chests.

"Harm?" Mac started, working furiously to screw up her courage to ask the question.

"Yes, Mac?" he said, almost breathily.

"Why did you come for me?"

Harm looked down at his feet, one of which was moving back and forth, toeing the dirt, then looked up at her through his lashes. "What if I love you?"

Mac's mouth dropped open in a silent "O." Her heart was in her throat now, and she had work to swallow it down to speak again. "Do you?"

"Yeah, I do, Mac."

Mac tried to hold back a smile. "What if I love you?"

"Do you…Sarah?"

"I do."

Harm's face split into his most gleeful flyboy grin. "Then I'd say we should kiss."

"I'd say we should." The two slowly moved toward each other until they were toe to toe, and then they paused…and then, they were in each other's arms, kissing madly, their lips meshing, their tongues exploring.

For once, Mac wouldn't have been able to tell how long they'd made love with their mouths, her time sense having completely shorted out when she first felt Harm's touch. One of his arms had gone around her, his hand cupping the back of her head, the other gripping her waist. It gradually made its way up her ribs until his thumb reached the underside of her breast. Harm couldn't resist going further until his thumbnail teased her nipple until it hardened into a peak. Mac moaned with pleasure into his mouth, images of Harm dragging her back to his car to make mad, passionate love to her…until a familiar voice caused them to break apart with the swiftness of a fire through a dry, wind-blown prairie.

"Admiral!" They exclaimed together, while Admiral Chegwidden tried to hide his smile behind his customary gruffness.

"Hello, Mac. Harm, it's good to see you." The admiral held out his hand to him, and Harm removed his hand from where it rested on Mac's breast to shake it.

"Hello, sir. Lovely night, isn't it?"

"Indeed. Harm? I was wondering…I'd like to correct a mistake…would you be free to come to my office on Monday?"

Harm nodded. "Regarding the Imes issue, sir?"

"Call me AJ here, Harm. And yes, there is the Imes issue, but that's not the mistake I was referring to." His former CO glanced meaningfully at him.

"Oh, uh, yes, sir…AJ. I'm free on Monday. I'll see you around ten?"

"That will be fine, Harm. If you will excuse me, I think Bud and Harriet are already here." The admiral took a few steps away from the new couple, then turned back around. "Carry on, you two," he said with a wink, and then he went into the bar.

Harm and Mac watched his retreating back, then turned to face each other again. They both gave a little laugh, and then Harm pulled Mac into an embrace. "Mac, sweetheart, I know we have a lot to talk about," he said into her hair. "But I meant it. I love you, and I love you way too much to let anything stand in our way this time."

Mac drew back a little to gaze into his eyes. "I love you too, Harm, and nothing is going to separate us this time."

They grinned at each other, and then Harm bent to give her a gentle kiss that was filled with promise. "Shall we?" He motioned to the entrance of McMurphy's.

"Let's."

And then, arm in arm, they went to join their friends.

End Track 12