-NAKIRI ERINA-

SEPTEMBER 5

Erina sat at the opposite end of the loveseat, knees bent to her chest, and stared at her open palms. It's the only thing she could do to keep from crying.

"Tsukasa-senpai was the client who sent the Rolls Royce to pick you up?"

The conversations following his innocently loaded question had not been easy ones. If she had to rank it with the other difficult conversations her life was filled with, this would have to come up top two.

So when she says conversations, what she really means is arguments. She tried not to turn Soma's rightful interrogation into one, but she couldn't help it; as much as he was her calm, he viciously triggered her fight-or-flight response. He didn't do it on purpose, of course. Soma didn't even know he elicited such fear in her. But he did, and that was why she was sitting on the loveseat in her psychiatrist's office, milliseconds from shattering into a million shards of glass.

"Okay, Erina, it's been a while since your last visit. So, where would you like to start?" An autumn-redhaired woman in a flowy smock, bespoke denim chinos, and large square frames smiled at her in her usual nurturing way. "How can I help you today?"

Erina had always liked Dr. Yamamoto. She couldn't remember her life without her. She'd been her child psychiatrist since she was a little girl, and they'd built a comforting therapeutic relationship over the last decade. Erina didn't trust many adults in her life, but she trusted Dr. Yamamoto.

Still, she couldn't bring her voice out of her mouth. The words were entangled on her tongue, and her thoughts flashed a thousand laser dots in her head. She vividly remembered everything that led her to schedule this session—her first in three months—but talking about it? That was the hard part.

"Where do I even begin?" Her voice quivered as she let out a pitiful laugh and sniffled. She wiped the snot forming at the entrance of her nostrils with the back of her sleeve. Therapy was the only place she allowed herself the space for such indignity. Dr. Yamamoto ripped a Kleenex from its box on the side table between them and handed it to her. She took it and dotted her nose. When Erina was a little girl, Dr. Yamamoto would wipe her tears away.

"Well, it's Monday evening, so…" Dr. Yamamoto shifted her weight in her office chair, "How was your weekend?"

"Horrible!" Erina choked out, laughing at how ridiculous the question was to answer. She'd had the shittiest weekend after the most draining week.

"Horrible? How so?"

"I went to Paris for a wedding," Erina weakly said.

"Well, that sounds romantic. I know you love visiting Paris."

"Ha, yeah…well, that was the bride and groom's intention, but it was a mess."

"Tell me more."

"The couple were my clients and two legendary Tōtsuki graduates," she explained. Dr. Yamamoto nodded. "And they'd asked S…" her voice caught in her throat at the mention of his name. "S-Soma…" Erina gulped hard to swallow the chalky feeling of her saliva. Hard. She cleared her throat and straightened her posture a bit. "The couple adores Soma. The husband was his first mentor after his dad. So they asked him to be in the wedding as a groomsman, and the wife thinks he's brilliant."

"That sounds wonderful and convenient. Your clients, his mentors. A weekend wedding in Paris." Erina ignored the therapist's encouraging thread.

"We argued almost the entire flight there. After a while, I stopped talking to him altogether."

"You and Soma?"

Erina nodded and shook her head to keep the tears at bay.

"What did you argue about?"

"His best friend-"

"Megumi, correct?"

"Yes." Erina planted her feet on the carpeted floor. "I found them in a coat closet at the wedding rehearsal."

Dr. Yamamoto's eyebrows rose in consternation. "Okay…"

"Luckily, it was nothing untoward," she reassured her unofficial maternal figure. "Megumi initiated their…breakup." She looked like she'd just sucked on a lemon. "They said they were privately ending their friendship, but the optics were so unbecoming of them! And it made me so...so angry, Yammy! I could taste the old me on my tongue."

"What did that taste like?"

Erina stopped to think. She closed her eyes. "Like I had licked the ass crack of a baboon."

"Got it," Dr. Yamamoto nodded. "A bit graphic, but I'm with you."

"That's how nasty I felt inside. And you know how nasty my mouth can get when I feel betrayed."

"So, betrayal. Is that how you felt about Soma or Megumi?"

"Now, Yammy, come on. You know me. You know how I feel about Megumi. But he pulled her into the closet without thinking. No surprise there.

"But I thought things had gotten better between you two."

"So did I. Just a month ago, I regretted how I handled our Shokugeki. I was even trying to schedule a time to apologize to her, but she kept dodging me. And that pissed me off, Yammy."

"I'm sure it did. I know how much you hate to be ignored."

"I do! Then she started getting too close for comfort with Ryō—I know, right!—And then I began to notice that she was moving a lot like she used to around Soma again."

"And how was she moving?"

"Like she'd do anything for his attention again. Anything to please him."

"And that made you jealous?"

"Me? Jealous? No!" Erina cackled. Then, her tone became severe. "It made me angry. Because I knew I was right from the start, and I fell for her nonthreatening act. And I know how idiotic Soma can be about his best friend. And I was proven right with the closet scene. I mean, whose boyfriend is stupid enough to go into a dark, tight broom closet with another girl in front of so many of our industry peers and strangers, too?" Dr. Yamamoto shook her head, probing Erina with her cedar eyes. "I'll tell you whose! Mine! I thought I'd surprise him and pick him up from the rehearsal dinner so we could fly to Paris together Friday night. Y'know, to be a cute, rich girlfriend."

"Which you enjoy?"

"I do. He doesn't care about my money and is easy to shop for. But I got slapped in the face this time. It was humiliating in that moment."

"Is that why you're crying right now?"

Erina hadn't even felt the tears streaming down her face. "Oh," she yipped but shook her head.

"No, ugh…it's just too much to go through, Yammy!"

"Okay, then. Tell me what happened yesterday. At the wedding. Did you enjoy yourself, at least?"

"Not during the ceremony. I didn't even want to be there until Soma literally whisked me off my feet to dance at the reception. It was our first time talking and feeling like when we first started dating all weekend. I gave him the silent treatment on Saturday, and he was busy with wedding party matters, so that was our first time feeling good again. It's been a busy summer, and I have been so wrapped up in work and Alice's drama that I-" she heaved for air. Dr. Yamamoto stopped her with a soft question.

"So many ups and downs in such a small timeframe. How has the anxiety medication been working for you lately?"

"Uhhh…" Erina's forehead wrinkled. "I don't know…the Lexapro has helped with the tightness in my stomach, but I still feel anxiety in my throat and chest."

"What about the Breathwork sessions with Koda sensei to open up your chakra centers?"

Erina lingered on that question. "…I haven't had the time to go all summer. My summer schedule has been swamped."

"And what are you doing for rest and exercise?" Erina hated it when she could tell Dr. Yamamoto had shifted to psychiatry mode. She rolled her eyes and huffed.

"Um…I swim twenty laps in the Olympic pool daily and have a standing pilates session every Wednesday night."

"And your sleep hygiene?"

"I've been averaging about five hours a night and stop work an hour before bed."

"Five hours is…better. Has any of this helped your nightmares?"

"Sorta. Kind of." Erina dropped her shoulders. "…Not anymore."

"Do you know why that is?"

"I'm stressed, Yammy!"

"By work and the demands of your very public life or by Soma?"

"By everything, but-"

"But everything finds its way back to Soma?"

"Yes," Erina admitted, deflated.

"I'm interested to know what sparked such a sudden and dramatic shift in your relationship," Dr. Yamamoto said, earnestly leaning forward.

"He asked me if Tsukasa was my client. And if he was the client who picked me up from the airport in a Rolls Royce Callihan."

"I'm assuming you told him the truth?"

"I did. Against my better judgment."

"Are you afraid to lose him?" Her question was genuinely asked, but it grated on Erina's nerves.

"Of course I am! You've seen my track record with the people I love, Yammy," she screamed. "Everyone but my grandfather leaves me. And history has already repeated itself." Erina leaned back on the loveseat and threw her arm over her eyes. She knew what Dr. Yamamoto would ask next, so why waste more time? She might as well get on with it and rip the bandage off.

"Soma asked for space," Erina said in a childlike tone. She hated how even saying the word made her lungs feel like they were being squeezed out of her chest.

"Space?"

"Yes. Space."

"Okay. Well, 'space' can mean several things in relationships, especially one as serious as yours. So, Erina. What do you think he meant by 'space'?"

"That he doesn't love me anymore," she sobbed.

"What did he tell you he meant?" Her psychiatrist knew her abandonment issues well.

"He said he needed time alone to re-evaluate our relationship. He thinks we're becoming codependent."

"Soma Yukihira said that?" Dr. Yamamoto tried her best to conceal her disbelief, but she'd learned over the years to leave room to be surprised by the boy.

"More or less."

"Was it a breakup?"

"No!" Erina's eyes were wild. "He made it very clear that it's not a breakup."

"What is fueling your tears, then?"

Erina paused to catch her trembling breath and looked away at nothing in particular. "It...it's just that, even though he said we weren't breaking up, it feels like he's breaking up with me." The tears pummeled from her puffy eyes. She'd been crying all day. Enough already! She blew her nose. "He said it was beginning to feel unhealthy how I handled our problems as a couple, but we were doing so well together before I realized Megumi was starting to be a problem again."

"And how have you been handling your problems?"

"The way I know best: on my own."

"What has that looked like since we last met?"

"Soma found out I flew to Seoul to meet Eishi."

"How did he find that out?"

"Eishi told him at the reception last night. I didn't even know he was there."

"Can you walk me through what was said?"

Erina didn't think her heart could sink any deeper. She sniffled and wrung the tissue tight.

"It was at the end of our makeup-to-makeout session. Megumi's drama was a thing of the past, and I was settling into feeling good about us again, you know? Like, you know me and Soma." Dr. Yamamoto blinked. Erina rolled her eyes. She was doing that nonverbal therapeutic probing that Erina hated being forced into participating in. "When we're good, we're over the moon in love, but when it's bad, considering how we started, it feels like a bloodbath. And it's usually because of me. Although he could do better with paying attention to prevent some of our petty arguments."

"You admit that it was a petty issue?"

"I am not. Anyway, we were in the middle of this romantic vibe when he asked about Eishi. He asked if he was the client that picked me up in a Rolls Royce. I called him when I landed in Seoul, and he gushed over it being a Callihan. He complimented Eishi without knowing, and I thought nothing of it at the time."

Dr. Yamamoto eyed her questioningly. "No, Yammy, I promise. It didn't even click at the time. My head was in my ass after a bad conversation with Megumi. She…she," her throat tightened in remembrance, "said I wasn't good enough for Soma and that it broke me. But after the meeting, I still said nothing, and that's where I fucked up."

"Did you plan to?"

"Yes…?" Erina shook her head. "I don't know. Maybe if the closet situation hadn't happened…maybe? Knowing him, he would've asked about Seoul at the rehearsal dinner or on the way to Paris. I would've told him then…"

"So, why didn't you?"

"But I didn't want to discuss Eishi because nothing happened between us. There is no Eishi and Erina. There is no more E=mc²."

"But wouldn't that be a good reason to let him know?"

"I suppose. But Soma really doesn't like Eishi. Like, at all. And it's always been a bitter rivalry between them, so I didn't want to rock that boat. And then we had this beautiful moment at the wedding. He caught me from falling and told me to save him the last dance.

When we were dancing at the reception, after he swept me off my feet, he told me how much he loves me and that I'm the girl of his dreams, and everything he said made me think of telling him about meeting up with Eishi. And I was going to tell him before I told him I loved him too, but then my grandfather wanted to see me before he left the reception. I never even saw Eishi at the reception. But Soma did."

"And they spoke."

"Apparently, for so long, details of their conversation made it onto the blogs."

"People can be very nosy," Dr. Yamamoto groaned. Over the years, Erina had spent many sessions yelling about violently intrusive paparazzi and gossip bloggers.

"Very."

"So, if nothing happened and Eishi is not a factor, why does he want space?"

"He said I lied to him. A lie of omission is what he called it. That I should've told him and not made him look like a fool in front of Eishi. But knowing Eishi, he baited him, and like—why would Eishi do that?!",

"And?"

"What?"

"What do you think?"

"That he's right. I lied by keeping silent, but I didn't do it to hurt him! I promise I'm no longer that mean-spirited girl!" She wept into her clenched fists. "But now he's going to leave me like they did!" She beat her fists into the cushions.

"It sounds to me that you're being saddled with a burden that isn't solely yours to bear."

Erina cautiously raised her head. "What do you mean?"

"Is it possible Soma is dealing with his own insecurities around Eishi and your previous relationship with him? And it sounds like Eishi still isn't over you and took the opportunity to make Soma aware of that. Kind of like your situation with Megumi."

Erina looked at the geometric rug beneath her canvas shoes in deep thought. "Huh," she said. The threads she'd been trying to ignore all session were knotting together. Dr. Yamamoto sipped from the lone mug on the side table. Erina watched her take her time to ritualize the drink. Every time she did that, it made Erina nervous. Dr. Yamamoto was entering psychotherapist mode.

Dr. Yamamoto put the mug back on its coaster and cleared her throat. She folded her hands in her lap and asked, "Why did you go to Seoul?"

"Because Eishi requested a tasting with me for his newest restaurant."

"Why did you accept?"

"The money was good, and I knew so would be the food."

"But you don't need the money, and you can cook better than him, no?" Dr. Yamamoto adjusted her glasses to get a better look at her.

"Yes, but variety is why this job is still fun for me."

"You mean, after—"

"Please don't bring that up, Yammy."

Dr. Yamamoto threw her hands up in surrender. "Okay. I apologize." The air thinned around them for a few seconds.

"Erina? I want you to be courageous when you answer my next question." She could feel the puffiness swelling around her red eyes. "Do you still have feelings for Eishi?"

"No! But I'll admit I'm still trying to move past what our relationship did to me."

"And this was the best way to do so, in your opinion?"

"Are you judging me, Dr. Yamamoto?"

"No, but I am challenging you because I know you to be a shrewd young lady."

"I took it because it was nothing personal, only business."

"And?"

"And I wanted to see if I still had feelings for him, okay? I admit it, alright?! I wanted to be sure that I was completely over him! I wanted to see if he was still over me! If what Megumi said was true about me not being good enough for Soma, and he decided that he didn't love me enough to stay—if there was still someone who would."

"Who would what, Erina?" Her voice was low, barely above a whisper.

"Who would love me, okay?! I went to Seoul for business, but when I was in front of him, yes!" she angrily admitted. "I wanted to know if Eishi would still want me if one day Soma didn't!"

"When did Megumi say this to you?"

"Before my flight to Seoul. She was angry at me because I used my executive order as director to make her sign a document she didn't want to, so she decided to hit me in the only place she knew would hurt me."

"Hm. Okay. We'll come back to that…" Dr. Yamamoto scribbled on her notepad for the first time all session. "But you just told me Soma professed his love to you all weekend. He does so very often if memory serves me right. And more importantly, you started this session talking about feeling your old self, which makes me assume you believe you've evolved as a person. So, what changed?"

Erina let out a series of gasped breaths before she could locate the courage to voice the heartbreaking truth.

"I believed her."

a/n: a new chapter so soon?! well, yeah, because you lot are such a great bunch to write for ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, and it's brought to you partly because of new reviews from new readers (hi, new cozy readers!) and partly because (and don't feel disappointed by this news) this was supposed to be another SoRina-twofer-focused chapter, but Erina's therapy session was already getting so long that i felt it better to let it stand alone, and it made more sense to publish a new chapter sooner than have y'all wait longer for a longer one. rest assured, Soma will have his own chapter, too. besides, a typical therapy session is fifty minutes irl, and that's about as long as this word count would take a (pretty speedy) reader.

fun fact: Dr. Yamamoto is my first real O/C in this universe, so i hope that you enjoyed being introduced to her because we may see her again. i can't say more than that rn.

lastly, all i will say is that this chapter is an easter egg, and i can't wait to share what for.

as always, please continue to hit those follow and favorite buttons, leave a review, and share with someone you love who you think would love this story, too!

-You're Welcome!-

8.20withlove

i haven't done a disclaimer in a while, but it's a sad reminder that i do not own the original IP, but this story is original, so let's take the win!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯