-NAKIRI ERINA-
November 7

Tears shed down Erina's face at a tumbling speed. She could not control them. Every time she tried, the salt water poured down more. She could not stop them. With every word Sōma shared, her heart caved with it, and the levees broke within her. She had never cried this much, this heavily, this vulnerably, in her life.

Not when she was malnourished, breastfeeding at her wet nurse's teat.
Not when her mother abandoned her.
Not while her father abused her.
Not when she falsely assumed her cousin was neglecting her.
Not when she found out her ex-boyfriend had betrayed her.
Not even while processing that the man who'd infiltrated her academy, targeted the love of her life, and waged a culinary war in a declaration for her hand in marriage was her half-brother. (...but that's another story for a different day.)

Never in all her days perishing in hell or sitting on the throne of Tōtsuki did Nakiri Erina cry as uninhibited and as hard as she was right now in Sōma's arms.

Her brain felt like it was rattling against her skull. She was crashing against endless racing thoughts, but her mind scrambled for the words to bring reason to her emotions. They simply would not come. Though sensitive and rarely below reproach in taste or speech, her tongue tasted like bile in her mouth. Her cursed tongue was too tied to speak.

At a complete loss for words and unsure what to do, Sōma wrapped her in his jacket and arms and picked her up, cradling her to a bench overlooking Yoko Pond. As they sat under the lone willow tree bowing over the pond's edge, he held her as tightly as he could in her most fragile state. He rocked her gently back and forth against his frame, stroking her hair and kissing her crooked crown. She was crying so hard that it began to affect him. He slowed his breathing to stave off sobs of his own. The love of his life, his outside heart, was weeping like she was dying, and he had no clue how to save her. He unwrapped his mother's white handkerchief from his forearm and wiped her tears.

Then, he placed the white heirloom scarf in her hands.

Erina's eyes agape, she whimpered, intuitively knowing what that gesture meant. "Sōma...no."

"Yes."

"I can't."

"You can."

"But this is your mother's scarf."

"I know."

"Sōma...no. This represents too much." She frantically rushed to bind it back where it rightfully belonged— on his left wrist. Sōma stopped her, unraveling her precise work.

"Erina, yes." He firmly placed it in her lap.

"Sōma, I said no! I cannot take this from you. I utterly refuse!"

"Yes, you can." His tone was resolute.

Her lip quivered. "B-but it's your mother's love. I don't have a right-"

He stared deep into her eyes. "Baby, I know what it signifies. And I am giving it to you."

Another storm of tears welled like a tsunami wave's crest waiting to crash down on her. Oh, she loved him to the depths of her soul. That scraggly, famished soul that almost died within her before he came along. That lost and neglected soul that nearly went into the vast wilderness of her sorrow-filled success to never be found again until he snatched her out of the darkness and into the light of his love. As he poured out his broken heart to her in a way he never had before, it crystallized that she had been right all along—I don't deserve you, Soma. As sharp-witted and direct as she was reputed to be in business and familial relationships, tonight Erina stumbled over herself telling Sōma how she deeply felt for him.

"Tadokoro was right," Erina wept into his ribcage. She felt his heart quicken and then thump in a sad rhythm. She made it do that.

"Hm? What did you say?" He softly, curiously, spoke into her hair.

She couldn't bear to look at him when she spoke her truth, but it was her turn to talk from the heart. "I've always been undeserving of your love." Sōma stiffened.

"What did you say?"

"I've never been worthy of being loved by someone as pure-hearted and selfless as you, Sōma-kun." She only called him that when she was too meek to express herself confidently. "I am a wretched weight chained to your heart."

Sōma adjusted her posture, shifting her upright to face him, but she couldn't meet his glare. His eyes were wild and adamant; she could feel them boring into her temple.

"Erina, don't you ever say that to me again. Do you hear me? Don't you ever say you're undeserving and unworthy of my love! Are you serious?! Did you not hear a word I said?"

His admonishment hit a nerve. She steeled her nerves and quelled her tears. Her throat was too dry to swallow, but she would have to make due.

"I did, and it was so true that it only proves my point." She turned to face him now, but only briefly. "Now, it's my turn to be truthful. I must confess, Sōma. I am scared that even after everything you just said about loving and never leaving me, after I finish, you will," she sniffled. She saw his heart skip a beat in fear.

"There is nothing you can say-"

"Let me finish before you become the judge of that."

He nodded but did not oblige. "Here. Blow your nose." She took his most beloved possession into her hands and wiped her face. Her nose leaked like a faucet, but she could not bring herself to desecrate something precious to him. She shook her head, still dabbing the sides of her watery eyes. "Yes, blow. I already told you I want you to have it."

No. It was too much. His sacrifices were too much, too freely given to possess as her own. His love was enough to make her come undone. She shoved the heirloom into his hands. Again, he placed it back in her lap and kept a strong fist over it, which only caused her to weep once again.

"I push love away. I sabotage it because that's all I've ever known to do. As an only child with my upbringing, I don't know any other way. I-I'm afraid I will do it again, but this time with you for good."

"That's not true, Erina," Sōma shook his head. "I'm an only child, too. And you've shown me real love in ways I couldn't even begin to-"

She cut him off with a cold stare. "No. It is not the same. You were born in love, grew up surrounded by love, with parents who showed you what true love looks like. I grew up with two narcissistic parents who knew nothing of the sort for themselves. Did you know Nakiri mansion has dungeons, Sōma?" Blood drained from the boy's face. Erina nodded at his expression.

"I lived three years of my childhood in one surrounded by nothing but darkness, a table, and a trash bin. The day my father left, he pushed me into it on top of another perfectly acceptable gourmet dish he forced me to throw away. Then he walked out that dungeon door, never to return until..."

Sōma's eyes began to well for his love. Flashbacks of the coldest winter ever sped through his mind's eye. He'd never forget the look of fear and trembling on her the night her father returned to Tōtsuki. It was a dark and traumatic time for her, thanks to that villainous man. But the phoenix that arose from those dreadful ashes became the girl before him, the girl he loved today. He wanted to tell her that but now was not the time.

"Remember the night I called Tadokoro's phone?" He nodded to answer her tiny voice. "I didn't call for you. I called to speak to her. To apologize to your best friend for how I treated her during our Shokugeki in January—I was angry at how she stepped to me back then. But that night, after our date, I was reading a shōjo manga that reminded me of her, and it broke my heart. All that character wanted was love. All Tadokoro wanted was to love and be loved by you. I saw that before, and it made me jealous because she already held the most prized title in your life. I told you I didn't want her competing with me. But in all actuality, I didn't want to lose you to her. I didn't want to lose your love because, Sōma, you have no idea what it feels like to be looked at and loved by you. It's-" her voice broke off. Sōma motioned to speak, but she shook her head.

"Your friendship is more than gold. Ask anyone lucky enough to call you a friend. Now add being the object of your affection, and Sōma, nothing else in this world is worth more. You gave me that precious gift, and I cherish it more than life itself. So, I got possessive. I wanted to say sorry to her for that. But then my fear-intuition went off when you answered her phone, and my mind returned to your roof on New Year's Eve, and I locked up."

"But it was nothing like that, Erina. We had just spent the best day of my life together. How could I go and ruin that?" His voice broke into pieces.

"No, I know. I know now. But back in August, she started dodging me, making it hard to know what was what. I started spiraling, and then Alice told me that she kissed Ryō the same day, and I became overprotective, and…well…you know the rest. I apologize for making your breakup harder than it needed to be." He squeezed her close, and they sat silently for a long time, watching the tea lights float against the water.

"The day after Paris, I saw Yammy." She felt Sōma's heart jolt in his chest. She knew that was a happy jump. He'd been checking on her all summer when he found out she'd stopped her weekly sessions while personally overseeing both divisions of the academy's final exams.

"Yeah?" Sōma knew how big a deal this was. He knew Dr. Yamamoto was more than a psychiatrist to her—she was a surrogate mother figure. Stable, secure, and always on standby for Erina. She nodded like a toddler in his arms.

"Yeah. We've been meeting twice a week since then, and it's been helping a lot. She adjusted the dosage of my meds and is still helping me process Paris. I'm sorry for being the cause of you and Tadokoro falling apart without your awareness or consent."

"You don't have to keep apologizing."

"Yes, I do." Now that Erina had started, she couldn't stop. She didn't want to hide anymore. "We also talked about the Seoul trip to visit Tsukasa-san." This made Sōma loosen his hold. He turned to face her on the bench. A trigger activated.

Erina focused on her lap. "I went to Seoul to ensure a wound was healed. I know you will not understand."

"You're right, I don't."

Her fear instinct thought he was judging her, and it ripped her heart open, but when she looked up, all she saw looking back at her were two golden globes begging to understand. As the ligaments in her heart rejoined, she nodded to herself. You can do this, Erina. You can tell him the whole truth.

"I went because he's a big name in this industry I once believed in, and his food used to satisfy my tastes well enough. I knew I didn't need his money, but I knew he needed my approval. I never thought it would be more than that when I accepted his booking request. Then I saw him, and it hit me: Tsukasa-san embodied the world I was born to rule. He represented everything my father, even my grandfather, worked so hard to establish in fine dining. His betrayal felt like a stabbing that would never heal because I trusted him more than I should've. I should've asked more questions, but I didn't. Like my father, I repeated the terrible habit of simply accepting what Tsukasa-san told me because everything he did looked like what I'd always seen.

Then I met you. Then I saw how you moved through life. I had no vision, no blueprint for how you see the world. It terrified me then and still scares me sometimes because you are a deviation from everything I've ever known. I needed to make sure I had changed. I needed to be sure that my love for you was not a bandage but the cure for my ailing heart."

"Do you feel you got the answer you needed?"

"I do."

"Then, good. I can let it go." Erina smiled through the tears that fell to her lap. "But you should know, my love. You didn't sabotage your relationship with Eishi. He told me that himself."

She let out a sardonic chuckle. "Just goes to show how difficult discernment is for me."

"I beg to disagree," he said, kissing her hand.

She frowned. "You're different. This is unprecedented."

"What are you talking about, Nakiri? You're the shrewdest person I know, and look at our industry!" He tickled her sides and got the giggles he missed hearing tickle his eardrums. "Look, you know the saying—hurt people hurt people. But that doesn't mean that hurt people don't love people, too. And it definitely doesn't mean they don't deserve to be loved." He kissed her forehead and kept his tender lips there, cupping the back of her head. He kissed her lips, untying her tongue, then laid his head in her lap. It never failed, but he never knew how much comfort she felt whenever he did that. A moist trail rolled down her thigh. Erina examined the source.

"Sōma? Are you crying?" She was struck to see the lovely boy look up at her with tears teeming out his eyes. "Oh, no, baby, why are you crying?"

"Because you can't stop crying."

She hadn't noticed the fresh wellspring of tears flowing down her face until then. The teardrops were falling onto his hair, and now they were dotting his face. Her teardrops. She wiped his tears, then hers, away from his cheeks and pulled him into her arms, holding him as he always held her.

Despite what Sōma said, Erina knew she would never be able to love him as much as he loved her. But she would try. She would spend the rest of her breathing days proving herself wrong and him right. Erina knew she was astute and pragmatic with her mind and tongue, but she was a doer more than a thinker. She showed her love better than she could ever express it through words. Because her words failed her more often than not when it came to Sōma, and her actions caused doubt to spring anew in her heart when she reflected on her past.

Yet, Erina vowed to be the love Sōma deserved henceforth and forever.

"No more secrets?" He pulled his head up with a pleading yet hopeful gaze, pulling her in. How could she ever deny this boy a single thing in life? How could she ever be without him in hers? How could she deprive him of the love he deserved? Sōma's love was like rain after a long, hot spell, sweeping away everything within her that was too brittle to thrive and too lifeless to flourish.

A calming breeze moved through the woodland. The prayer flags on her grandmother's altar danced on their line. Drops of rain began to sprinkle down on them, falling from the willow's swaying leaves as the tea lights fought not to be doused out, and their flames flickered to regain the strength of their tiny fires.

"No more secrets," she lied, promising herself it would be for the last time. He gleamed at her as he pressed his lips against hers, a supple oath. He laid his head back down on her lap.

The air was light, and they slipped into a peaceful silence. She threw his jacket over him and stroked his hair meditatively, but Erina's mind was elsewhere. She didn't want to lie; this would be her last time, but the apology and explanation didn't feel like enough, not after all he'd done—given her—to get them here. Erina looked down at his mother's scarf on her lap, under his resting head. I must fix this. Shifting her gaze to the beautifully benevolent boy she fought too long against falling in love with but now freely gave her heart to, she didn't know why she couldn't just tell him that. She didn't understand why she couldn't find the exact words to say what he meant to her the way he always seemed to do for her. That settled it.

So, Nakiri Erina stared out at her ancestral pond, praying to her grandmother's altar, knowing she could only show Sōma her repentance better than she could ever tell him.

a/n: all erina does is seduce and scheme! lol, i'm joking! i love my girl deep and actually don't fault her for how this chapter ended. if she's lying, it's probably because she has a good trick up her sleeve...i hope. what do you think? is our leading lady up to no good again, or do you think her apologetic confession to Sōma tonight was enough to turn over a new leaf? but i must admit, it seems old habits die hard, don't they? flipping the page...omg i'm so happy to see that my readership views have finally cracked into the Motherland! so shout out to my zim-zaddies, zadies, and zheydies in the readership! i gush over seeing all the countries around the world that read my work, but as a nigerian in this fandom, this means the world to me to see. lastly, HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR to all who celebrate! it felt fitting to put this chapter out today because it is the beginning of smth new for our lovebirds. so i hope this lunar new year of the dragon brings you Sōma-like courage and boldness and all the auspicious goodness that, like Sōma and erina, shows you're powerful enough to overcome every challenge you face in 2024. okay! 'til the next chapter ;)

p.s.: this chapter is dedicated to Dangal. thank you for your readership and reviews.

p.p.s.: also, i've been doing a lot of constructive edits to previous chapters for stylistic changes, clarity, and continuity if you ever want to go back and reread a chapter or even the whole story [nothing that changes the story significantly, everything just better clears the path for reading]. and as always, i love reading your comments, so pls leave a review, follow, favorite, and share this novel with someone in the fandom you think would enjoy reading it, too!

-You're Welcome!-

8.20withlove

-i do not own the rights to Shokugeki no Sōma, wahwahwaaaah

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