He had memorized her visage.
He had lain there night after night, morning after morning, in the air mattress beside her bed and captured a mental image of her. The birthmark beside her eye that became more prominent when her eyes were closed. The flyaway strands of her untamed bedhead. The pursing of her lips as she dreamt. The way her stomach jiggled as she tossed, hips synched with the movement.
Her hands; he had memorized those most of all. Every line. The curve of her fingers. The way they fit into his.
Dylan realized, as he stood there surrounded by blondes and brunettes, that he had memorized only her.
The brunette who somehow managed to capture the attention of every room she stood in, even when she barely knew the people inside it.
"So you're Kelly," said Brenda. "You changed your hair."
"Still Donna," said Donna, attempting and failing to conceal her hurt. "This one's Kel," she added, pulling Kelly by the hand.
"Hi Bren," said Kelly softly.
"Hello," said Brenda. "I've heard quite a lot about you."
"Good things, I hope," said Kelly.
"It depended on who I asked," said Brenda. "Steve especially raved about you."
Steve aimed a wink in Kelly's direction, who responded with a wave to Steve.
"Had to throw in my ten cents, of course," said Valerie, scrutinizing Kelly. "More like a whole dollar. Or a hundred. A hundred reasons why I told Bren this was a bad idea. But did she listen to me?"
"Valerie," said Kelly.
"Kelly," said Val. "Missed me?"
"Not really."
"Feeling's mutual, Kel."
"I'd really like to hug you," Donna told Brenda. "It's been so long. But I -" she halted, "I probably shouldn't, right?"
"I can be hugged," said Brenda. "But only by a few."
"I see," said Donna disappointedly.
"If it helps, Don, I can't get a hug out of her yet, either," said Steve.
"Steve gives the best hugs," said Donna as she walked over to receive a bear hug. "God, I missed you."
"Missed you too, Don." Steve kissed the top of her head as Clare watched them with a smile. "You dump Noah yet?" he asked.
"I didn't know you were waiting for me to," said Donna.
"Look, I don't mind the guy, but I do think you deserve better."
"Can we not talk about him?" asked David, eyeing Val.
"Shit," said Steve. "Yeah. Let's not. Donna, you remember Clare, right? Used to be a little more redhead, super close with her father, likes to dump guys on a beach directly after graduation…"
"Can you take Steve back with you?" asked Clare whilst embracing Donna.
"He'd kick me if I tried," said Donna.
"I'd never kick a woman," said Steve. "Unless it was kinky kicking."
"What's kinky kicking?" asked Donna.
"Something that only exists in Steve's head," said David. "And maybe in Val's," he added.
Dylan's stare flew about the room, bouncing from person to person as it repeatedly went back to Brenda.
One of his exes, one of his hookups, and two of his best friends in the world all stood there, yet she held priority in his eyeline.
Kelly looked Brenda over.
"You're pregnant," she announced. It wasn't a question.
"We're twenty-five weeks," said Dylan. He slid his arm underneath Brenda's stomach as he moved to stand behind her.
"You're the father?" asked Kelly.
"The proud Papa," said Steve.
"Couldn't be prouder," said Dylan.
"So you really didn't leave Brenda two years ago," said Kelly.
"Not unless he's lying to both of us," said Brenda. "He apparently does that."
"October," said Dylan. "I left London in October."
"October," Kelly repeated. "Dylan? Can I talk to you?"
"Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Bren," answered Dylan. "We don't have any secrets between us."
"It's fine, Dylan." Brenda removed his arm from her waist. "There's something stuck outside that I have to take care of, anyway."
Brandon had refused to exit the car. Dylan had only agreed to go in to stay near Brenda and say hello to Donna.
"I'll be listening in," said Val.
"There's no need for that," said Brenda.
"Bren, you might trust Dicklyn, but I don't trust Kel one iota."
"That's rich, coming from you, Valerie," said Kelly.
"Are they always like this?" asked Brenda.
"Always," said Clare.
"It can get frustrating," said David.
"Talk to her," said Brenda with a squeeze to Dylan's hand.
"I don't want to talk to her," Dylan whined, determined to get Brenda to see his complete disinterest in Kelly.
"You told me yourself that you lied to her. Don't your steps tell you to make amends to everyone you've harmed?"
"They do." Dylan gritted his teeth.
"And don't you think lying to Kelly is harming her?"
"Brenda."
"Dylan."
"Brenda."
"Dylan!"
Dylan looked at Valerie. "Let the record stand that I'm only agreeing to this because Bren's pushing me to do it and I don't want to upset her," said Dylan.
"Record stands," said Val. "I'll be timing you."
Brenda scolded Valerie and then turned towards Steve. "Steve, can I see you in the carpark?" she asked.
"I will be right back, Sexy," Steve told Clare. "C'mon, Beautiful," he added to Brenda.
Dylan didn't move a muscle.
"Dylan?" asked Kelly.
Dylan again looked at Val.
"I know," said Val, "but you'll apparently upset Bren if you don't."
"Fuck," said Dylan, which startled Kelly.
He trudged over to her.
"Make it fast, Kel."
He followed Kelly to the balcony of Clare's apartment, where he ensured they could be seen through the window.
"I'm not here for you," said Kelly as Dylan asked, "You're here for Brandon, aren't you?"
They looked out over the city and laughed.
"We've sure made a mess of things, haven't we?" asked Kelly.
"That's putting it lightly," said Dylan.
"So you and Bren are having a baby."
"Yeah, one that's getting bigger and stronger by the day."
"I'm happy for you, Dylan." He saw the sincerity in Kelly's eyes. "Truly. You always wanted a family."
"It's hard, though," said Dylan. "Building a family with the woman who doesn't remember you. Knowing that if the slightest thing had gone differently on that train, she wouldn't be here to build a family with."
"Brenda was hurt on a train?" asked Kelly.
"I thought you knew?"
"Brandon told me Bren was hurt. He didn't say how."
"Her fucking train," said Dylan. "That's how."
"When did you start cussing?" asked Kelly.
"In London. So did Bren. So did Brandon, for that matter, over in Washington. Americans make a big deal out of cussing, an overblown deal, unless you're on the East Coast. Then even sailors can't compete with you."
"Brandon," said Kelly. "The man who doesn't want to remember." She emitted a deep, desolate sigh. "Brother to the woman who can't."
"He's just in denial," Dylan assured. "Like we were."
"I don't know. Maybe I can't get him back."
"He knows," said Dylan. "About Mexico."
"Why does he know about Mexico?"
"I told him."
Kelly appeared for a moment as if she planned to strike Dylan, and then collapsed her shoulders.
"I guess he should know," she said. "And I just want to know why." She gripped the balcony railing. "Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you just tell me the truth? You didn't come back for me, did you? You needed a distraction, something that would keep your mind off of Bren."
"You nailed it," Dylan said in a slightly kinder tone. "I'm sorry I lied to you, Kel," he said genuinely. "I was dealing with a lot and losing Bren again…well, it was a blow that I handled the completely wrong way. I'm working on that; learning to handle bad events in a more healthy way than I have in the past. Learning to not let my trauma and issues define me, to not blame others for my choices."
"So am I," said Kelly. "Therapy?"
"Therapy," Dylan confirmed. "You?"
"Also therapy," said Kelly. "You were right about one thing, though. I did lie to you, too."
"The chandeliers?" asked Dylan.
"The chandeliers," said Kelly. "I've never once thought of Brandon platonically. I tried to convince myself I did, and I thought being with Matt and then sleeping with you would help me to move on."
"But it hasn't," said Dylan. "Just like I thought being with Gina and sleeping with you would make me forget Bren. But it was Bren who forgot me," he said in a harsh swallow.
"I'm sorry about that, Dylan. Truly. I wouldn't even wish amnesia on Val."
"Val with amnesia would be unbearable," Dylan chuckled.
Kelly smiled and then asked, "Does Bren know? I don't want to accidentally share anything she doesn't."
"I told Bren everything. Everything. Including high school, Mexico, Battleship."
"Battleship." Kelly shook her head. "I should've forced you back to AA the second you tried to claim Toni and I were the only things you'd connected with, but honestly? I liked coming first in someone's life."
"Brandon?" asked Dylan.
"I was never going to be enough for him," said Kelly. "He offered to stay. I wanted him to stay, but his dreams went way beyond me and I couldn't squash those."
"Sounds familiar. Too familiar."
"The life of falling in love with a Walsh, huh?" Kelly giggled. "You and Bren; you've always belonged together. Why do you think I freaked so much whenever you ran to her?"
"Because you wanted me all to yourself?"
"Because I knew that if Bren wanted you back, you'd drop me and be with her faster than you can say Hey."
"God," said Dylan. "I really am the worst, aren't I?"
"Was the worst," corrected Kelly. "This might be the first time you've apologized to me. And I'm sorry, too, Dylan. I'm sorry for using you the same way you used me. I'm sorry for blowing up about Bren and I'm really sorry for being so catty about her when Donna told us something had happened to Brenda."
"You should tell her that."
"I will." Kelly twiddled her fingers. "I never told you why I didn't sleep with you again after Mexico."
"You were trying to make things work with Matt."
"Had nothing to do with Matt."
It was then Dylan learnt that he had uttered Brenda's name whilst with Kelly. He, in turn, told Kelly that she had uttered Brandon's.
"Why do we do this to ourselves?" asked Kelly. "Every time we have a chance to be happy, truly happy, with the twins we love, we screw it up somehow."
"Learned it from our parents, probably," said Dylan. "We don't have to be our parents, Kel. They may have sabotaged their lives over and over. Doesn't mean we have to. I don't know about you, but I'm done fuckin' around. For once, I'm fighting for what I really want."
"You're in love with Brenda," said Kelly knowingly.
"And you're in love with Brandon," said Dylan without a hint of jealousy or anger in his voice and in his mentality.
He realized then that whatever he may have felt towards Kelly in the past had long fled, even before he had returned to Beverly Hills.
In thinking otherwise, he had lied to himself just as much as he had lied to everyone else.
"Is he seeing anyone?" asked Kelly casually.
"He likes one of Bren's doctors, but he's not seeing her yet."
"How is Bren? Can I tell her things? Or does that upset her?"
"Not telling her things upsets her more."
Dylan filled Kelly in on how to interact with Brenda. He told Kelly if she wanted to know more details on Brenda's condition, she would have to ask Brenda herself.
"We better get back inside before Val starts filling Bren's head with things that aren't true," said Dylan.
"We're really gonna have to work at getting our twins to trust us," said Kelly. "I'm guessing you're doing what Brandon did; trying to get Bren to remember you?"
"Tryin'," Dylan sighed. "Ain't easy."
"Love never is," said Kelly gently. "Anything I can do?"
"Come to think of it, there is. Silver and I haven't had any luck trying to get contact for The Rave-Ups to ask if they'll fly out here. Do you know who got them for the spring dance?"
"Actually, I do. It was Michelle's friend, Kerri London."
London, Dylan thought. It started with London.
He inwardly guffawed.
"You know, Michelle and I talk on occasion," Kelly continued. "I can call her up and see if she's still friends with Kerri."
"You'd do that?" asked Dylan, stunned.
"I've known you a long time, Dylan. The entire time you were back in Beverly, I never saw you half as happy as you were with Bren in there. And that's what I want for you, to be happy."
"I want that for you, too, Kel."
"It'll never be with me," they said in unison.
"Can I ask you something?" asked Dylan.
Kelly gave him the go-ahead.
"I almost didn't know about my kid because Brandon thought I'd be a deadbeat. Do you think I have that in me, Kelly? To be a deadbeat?"
"No, Dylan," Kelly assured him. "I don't know how you'd be with other women's kids, but there's no way you'd be a deadbeat with yours and Bren's."
"Thanks." Dylan breathed out his relief and then went back inside, directly over to Brenda.
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" she asked.
"Bren, I need you to know that no one - not Kelly, not Val - is going to play stepmom to our kid." He snagged her waist. "That's my decision and I'm fine with it. I want you to be fine with it, too, and to please stop pairing me up with other women."
Brenda glanced to the corner of the room, where Kelly quietly spoke with Brandon, who barely budged.
"I may have lied," said Brenda.
"Lied?" asked Dylan. "About what?"
"I didn't invite Kelly out here to see if she'd be a good stepmother," Brenda admitted. "I just told you and Brandon that because I knew Brandon would refuse to have her come out here if he knew the real reason."
"What's the real reason?" asked Dylan, both annoyed that Brenda had put him through that and calmed that she wasn't plotting his relationship with Kelly Taylor, of all people.
"Two reasons," said Brenda. "One was to help you complete your steps because I know how important it is for you to follow through on those, but the biggest reason is that I'm curious if Kelly would be a good sister-in-law because I know Alina would."
"You want your brother and Kelly together," said Dylan.
"I want Brandon to be happy," said Brenda. "I've seen pictures at Steve's place. Brandon was with Kelly in those and he looked happier than he's looked this whole time."
"You're a good sister." Dylan snuck a kiss to Brenda's forehead.
"I'm a tired sister." Brenda tucked her forehead into Dylan's shoulder.
"Getting overwhelmed?" he asked, stroking her back.
"A bit," said Brenda. "I really wanted to meet Donna and Kelly and I didn't want to wait, but now I'm feeling it."
"C'mon." Walking her over to the sofa, he sat them both down.
"How'd it go with Kelly?" she asked, draping her arm around his shoulders.
"Went better than I expected," he answered.
"Val said Kelly tried to kiss you," said Brenda. "Did she try to kiss you?"
Dylan wondered if his imagination was playing tricks on him, or if the tablespoon of envy he heard in Brenda's voice was real.
"Val lies," said Dylan. "How'd you get Brandon to come in?"
"Easy. I told him he's stubborn and to prove to me he isn't, he came inside."
"Like brother, like sister," Dylan teased.
"Is it weird for you? Me inviting Kelly out here for Brandon?"
"I much prefer that to you inviting Kelly out here for me. Damn near gave me a heart attack, woman."
"Sorry," Brenda giggled. "I think Brandon's glad to see her, even if he won't admit it. You won't tell him I lied, will you?"
"You know when I said we don't have secrets between us?" asked Dylan. "That doesn't apply to secrets we share," he told her as he rubbed Brenda's stomach.
"I think she's asleep," said Brenda.
"Of course she's asleep," said Dylan. "She'll kick for Uncle Brandon and Auntie Val, but she doesn't want to kick for Daddy," he added, disheartened.
"She's learning to trust you," Brenda consoled. "Give her time."
Just like her mother, thought Dylan.
Donna sat beside them, maintaining a respectable distance from Brenda as they warmly chatted. Brenda asked Donna if it was true what David had said about Donna's company needing a promoter. Donna confirmed it was. Brenda offered her services. Donna asked if Brenda was certain, and then welcomed Brenda into the Now Wear This family.
"I'm thinking of changing the name," said Donna. "How soon after a store opens can you change the name?"
"I think you can change it whenever you want," said Brenda.
"We've missed you," said Donna. "Both of you," she added to Dylan. "Without any of you guys around, it's just not the same."
"How's it going out there?" asked Dylan. "Silver told us you told him that Janet's doing well."
"Janet's on top of her game," said Donna. "She and Jordan are the cutest and the revenue's rolling in. Readership for La Beverly started by word-of-mouth, and some of that word-of-mouth must've been to elites because people are eating it up."
"Good for Janet," said Dylan.
"Would I like Janet?" asked Brenda, stretching herself against Dylan.
"You'd love Janet," he said.
"Did I know her before?"
"No, you two have never met."
"Can I meet her?"
"I'm sure that can be arranged."
Donna watched Dylan and Brenda with keen interest.
"What is it?" asked Brenda.
"When did you two get back together?" asked Donna.
"Oh, we're not together," said Brenda.
"You're not? But I thought," Donna turned her questioning glance to Dylan.
He gave her the nonverbal response that said, I'm trying, Don. I'm trying.
"Clare says we were close once," Brenda told Donna.
"There was a time when I was closer to you than I was to Kel," said Donna.
"What happened?" asked Brenda.
"Long-distance happened. With our schedules, we had trouble staying in touch, until just around the time that Joe left. That's when we started messaging each other. It's much easier to keep in touch now than it was five years ago."
"Dylan also has trouble staying in touch."
"We could be close again, if you wanted," suggested Donna hesitantly.
"I think I'd like that," said Brenda. "But Val's my best friend," she added.
"You seem to keep her in line," said Donna.
"She doesn't need to be kept in line," said Brenda.
Dylan checked the time on his phone. "We gotta get you home for you to take your regimen," he said.
"But look at Val," said Brenda, pointing. "She's having a good time with Steve and David." Brenda yawned. "And Brandon's talking to Kelly and Clare."
"You never miss a day," said Dylan. "You aren't gonna start now, Miss Sleepyhead-About-to-Become-Miss Sleeping Beauty."
"Why don't you take her?" asked Donna.
"It's complicated," he told Donna.
"Let's uncomplicate it," said Brenda. "You can take me home."
"Are you serious?" asked Dylan, barely able to speak.
"I'm not making Bran, Val, or Steve leave to take me home, so you can do it," she said.
"Let's go." Dylan would have jumped to his feet, if he didn't have to first ensure Brenda's careful extraction from his lap.
They said their goodbyes. Brandon and Val both told Brenda they wouldn't mind taking her home, which Brenda declined. Steve, planted beside Clare, sounded less certain when he said the same. Kelly expressed her disappointment that she hadn't been able to converse with Brenda. Brenda invited Kelly along for a late breakfast the following day.
Donna pulled Dylan to the side as the other women spoke.
"I thought that when you returned, maybe you and Kel could finally make it work," said Donna. "But seeing you with Bren just now; Dylan, you've never been perfectly in sync with Kelly like that. You always have with Bren. I say you go after her with everything you've got, because you two are It for each other."
"I intend to do just that," said Dylan. "Maybe you should consider going after what you want, too."
"The problem is, I don't know what I want," said Donna as she hugged him.
"Or maybe you do, and you're just scared to go after it," Dylan murmured in Donna's ear.
"I'm not scared of D'Shawn."
"Who said I was talking about D'Shawn?"
"Well-played, Dylan. Well-played."
"I have my moments."
"Yes you do."
Dylan had barely strapped Brenda into the passenger seat before she had fallen asleep.
He watched her with a smile, and then brushed his hand along her hair.
"I meant what I told Kelly and Donna. Val. Brandon. All of them. I'm gonna get you back, Bren," he vowed in a whisper. "Somehow. However long it takes, whatever I have to do."
Brenda's belly moved, but as Dylan's hand approached, it stopped.
"I'm gonna get you to trust me," he added. "Both of you. And then I'm never gonna obliterate that trust again."
"Dylan?" asked Brenda sleepily.
"Yeah?"
"Can you stop talking to yourself and let your pregnant friend get some sleep before she has to take that repugnant prenatal that tastes like a horse's ass, please?"
"Sure, Bren," said Dylan with a slight laugh. "How do you know what a horse's ass tastes like?"
"When your grandparents own stables, you get horse's asses repeatedly shoved in front of you," said Brenda nonchalantly. "One whiff of that and it's not hard to imagine."
Dylan wondered if the Beevis' stables was a returned memory that would remain when Brenda drifted back into lucidity, or one that only came to her as she teetered between two worlds.
He turned on the radio to a quiet volume and toppled into rumination over her inquiry.
They were friends. They could continue being friends. He had no problem with that.
But they wouldn't be only friends.
He'd make sure of it.
Starting with flying out The Rave-Ups to perform a private concert for Dylan's future wife, courtesy of Kerri London, wealthy alumna of West Beverly High who had once dated star quarterback, Tony Miller.
xx
Something had shifted.
What frustrated her the most was that she couldn't put her finger on it.
Maybe it had happened after Dylan's talk with Kelly. Maybe it had happened on the car ride back from Clare's. Maybe it had happened when Brenda had walked outside to see Dylan's legs sticking out from under his brand-new car.
The rental was gone. In its place was a beautiful four-door sportscar that Dylan had begun tinkering with.
He had wanted a Porsche, Brenda learnt from Brandon, but Dylan had chosen slightly more practically for their growing family.
Brenda had asked Brandon how much Porsches cost, releasing a long whistle at the amount.
The only way she could afford a Porsche for Dylan was with his own money, unless Brenda somehow got rich herself, and fast.
She had gone out to bring him a drink. Dylan had rolled out from under the car, covered in grease, and when he did, Brenda had almost dropped the glass in her hands.
She didn't know why, but that moment had done something to her.
"You okay, Bren?" Dylan had asked concernedly.
"Fine," said Brenda, and then had thrust the glass towards Dylan as she had tried to get her head to stop spinning.
"You don't look fine," he had said.
"Stood too fast," she had excused.
Dylan had taken a sip, watching Brenda over the rim of his glass.
"Stood too fast, huh?" he had asked, wiping the grease off of his forehead.
Brenda had taken the towel out of Dylan's hand and had begun wiping Dylan's forehead herself.
"You'll drop the glass," she had said by way of explanation. "Shards will go all over the driveway and it'll puncture the tires of the moving van."
"If you say so," Dylan had said disbelievingly.
Brenda found herself permitting Dylan more pickups. Following a few, she told Brandon and Valerie that she no longer needed them to drop her off.
Allowing Dylan to be her sole driver may not have been the best decision she could have made, but Brenda realized she again liked having him around.
Immensely.
Perhaps it was due to her conversation with Kelly.
Brenda had met Kelly for breakfast in a café Alina had recommended, one sparsely visited so that the women could talk without Brenda becoming overwhelmed.
"I was surprised you invited me out here," Kelly had said. "You and I haven't exactly been on speaking terms. And I haven't been too nice about you."
"The one good thing about my memory loss is it allows me to work on rebuilding relationships that may have dissipated along the way," Brenda had said.
"You won't want to rebuild ours when you hear what I've said and done," Kelly had told her.
"You like my brother, don't you?"
"Very much," said Kelly as she had cut into her pastry.
"And I love my brother," said Brenda. "Surely we can come to an understanding for him."
"I'm not sure Bran and I are gonna be together again, Bren. Dylan says Brandon likes your doctor."
"He does, but he's not dating her," said Brenda simply. "And I'm not sure I want him to if he isn't serious about being with her."
At Brenda's approval, Kelly had told Brenda everything she had ever said about her.
"I'm sorry I've been such a bitch to you, to your face and behind your back," Kelly had said. "You didn't deserve any of it, and you really didn't deserve to have me steal your boyfriend."
"You didn't steal him," Brenda had argued. "Dylan told me himself that he had a choice to make, and he chose you."
"Except he didn't," Kelly had said. "I knew as well as he knew that he only chose me because I was able to go to his dad's party when you weren't, and because I told him the reason why you couldn't go. I straight-up asked him if he only wanted me because I'd come, and he made up some excuse that made zero sense."
"That's a stupid reason to choose someone, don't you think?"
"Yeah," Kelly had laughed. "Really stupid." She had stopped laughing. "I could've ended it then and there, Bren, but the truth is, I never should've let it start. You were my best friend, and that alone should've kept me away from Dylan that summer."
"We were - how old were we, again?" Brenda had inquired. "Dylan told me, but I forgot."
"Seventeen," said Kelly. "You were eighteen and I was nearing eighteen when we told him to choose."
"Eighteen," said Brenda. "So that was, what? Six years ago?"
"Yeah, just about."
"I don't see any need to hold a grudge against something that happened six years ago that I don't even remember, do you?"
"You always were a far better person than me," said Kelly.
"There's no need for comparison, either," said Brenda. "Women should support and encourage each other, not belittle and work to tear each other down. Especially over men."
"Alright, no comparisons, just observations. Here's mine." Kelly had tapped at the table. "Dylan's made his choice again, Bren, and this time, it couldn't be more obvious how in love with you he is."
"That's because of the baby," Brenda had said. "Dylan's in love with Val, but he can't have her on account of Val being in love with David. She won't admit it, though."
"I highly doubt Dylan loves Valerie in that way. Have you asked him?"
"He's in denial, like everyone else. Dylan and Brandon are especially good at that. David's your brother, right?"
"Stepbrother, originally. Our parents split but we stayed siblings."
"And you and Val don't get along?"
"Occasionally, we can, but hardly ever."
"So what do you think of David and Val?"
"I hated it, at first, mainly 'cause I was hoping David would end up with Donna. But," Kelly had hesitated, "can you keep this between us?"
"I won't tell anyone," Brenda had promised.
"David's been miserable since Valerie left and when I saw them together; well, he wasn't so miserable."
"Maybe you should give Val more of a chance."
"Maybe you should give Dylan one. Because from where I was standing, that boy barely looked at Valerie at all, unless it had to do with you."
Brenda had told herself that Kelly hadn't been around when Dylan had eyed Valerie's stomach and stopped for food every time Val was hungry, but Kelly's words sunk in nevertheless.
Brenda paid closer attention to Dylan's interactions with Valerie, and realized that at no point did Dylan act like a man in love.
At least, not compared to how David acted with Val.
Or Steve with Clare.
Or Brandon with Kelly, though his actions were more subtle and controlled.
Until Kelly began to cry.
"I saw you hugging Kelly when she was crying earlier," said Brenda.
"Learning about the baby got Kel emotional," said Brandon.
"Because she loves Dylan?" asked Brenda.
Brenda couldn't decide what she thought about Kelly. She didn't seem as evil as Valerie had made her out to be. She didn't seem as sweet as Steve had said.
Brenda thought that what Kelly was most of all was human, a human trying to make amends for her mistakes.
"She wasn't emotional over Dylan having a baby," said Brandon. "It's…something else."
"Something you know about?"
"Yeah. I know about it."
"Is it a secret?" asked Brenda. "Between you and Kelly?"
"Sort of," said Brandon. "It's hard for either of us to talk about. I could barely tell you about it even before everything."
"You love her," said Brenda. "Just admit you love her."
"I won't admit anything," said Brandon. "How about you tell me why you keep hanging around Dylan?"
"He's my daughter's father," said Brenda.
"Are you sure he isn't more to you than the father of your daughter?"
"Well, he is a good friend. Usually."
"Friend. Right."
Brenda asked Kelly about Kelly's own amnesia that Brenda had overheard Brandon mention. Kelly told her about it, and that during her amnesia, she had been attracted to a man called Noah.
"Donna's Noah?" asked Brenda.
"Also Val's Noah," said Kelly. "He gets around."
"Kinda like Dylan," said Brenda.
"Oh, I'm pretty sure by this point, it's more than Dylan," said Kelly.
Brenda then asked what had helped Kelly to gain back her memories.
"Your brother never gave up," said Kelly.
"That's it?" asked Brenda.
"That's it," said Kelly. "If Brandon had given up, if he'd gotten angry about my…whatever you call it with Noah to the point that Bran thought there was no hope for us, I'm not so sure I would have remembered as quickly as I did."
"But then he cheated on you," said Brenda. "Val told me."
"Yeah," said Kelly, "and I was so angry with him, but the thing is, I cheated on him, too. He forgave me then."
"Maybe you should forgive him now."
"What makes you think I haven't?"
"If you had, you would've stayed with him," said Brenda.
"I'm not sure Brandon can forgive me," said Kelly.
"I think he has. He just isn't ready to accept that he has."
"Do you think you can forgive Dylan?" asked Kelly.
"I think I can work on it. For my daughter's sake," said Brenda.
"For your daughter's sake," Kelly echoed with a voice laden in skepticism.
Kelly headed off to meet David for lunch. Donna entered and asked Brenda about Dylan. Worn over her conversation with Kelly, Brenda requested a temporary distraction, which Donna provided to Brenda in the form of telling her about her own relationship drama.
"So you like this D'Shawn," said Brenda.
"I think I may be falling for him," said Donna.
"Then why are you with Noah? Kelly said he gets around."
"He does get around, but he's also a recovering alcoholic, and if I leave him -"
"That's no excuse to stick around if you're miserable," said Brenda.
"I know. You're right," said Donna. "But my mother -"
"What about your mother?"
"Bren, if D'Shawn and I got together, my mother would make his life unbearable."
"Then maybe it's time to say goodbye to your mother," said Brenda without mincing her words.
"That's easier said than done," said Donna. She glanced at Brenda's stomach. "What did your parents say when you told them?"
"I didn't," said Brenda. "I don't think they know."
"Jim and Cindy don't know they're going to be grandparents?"
"The last time I saw the man who said he was my father, he was screaming at my doctors to and I quote, 'fix her,'" said Brenda. "I don't want that kind of attitude around my daughter. I told Brandon I didn't, and he agreed."
"Your dad means well," said Donna. "I think he often doesn't know how to show it."
"Does your mom mean well?"
"My mother wants me to live my life on her terms, with the people she deems appropriate."
"Why doesn't she think D'Shawn's appropriate?" asked Brenda.
"Because he isn't rich - not our kind of rich, Mother would say - his family isn't rich, he's not Catholic, and he's not, he's not -"
"He's not what?"
"He's not white."
"So your mom's a racist."
"Yeah. She is."
"Then if you really want to be with D'Shawn, maybe it'll be easier for you to cut her out than you think," said Brenda.
"Maybe," said Donna. "Almost all the guys Mother approves of turn out to be jerks, anyway."
"Dylan can be a jerk. But that's only a sliver of who he is."
"Noah can also be a jerk."
"Is that a sliver of who he is?"
"I haven't really thought about it before."
"I think you should."
"Thanks, Bren," Donna smiled. "You always have the best advice. Anytime I can reciprocate, please let me know."
"I will," said Brenda with a smile of her own.
Brenda started her job with Donna's company and found she liked doing promotion. Brenda thought herself rather good at it, but she greatly missed acting.
Dylan surprised her with an evening at a small improv class. Brenda thought Dylan wasn't too bad of an actor himself when he asked her a question, she answered with a question, and the cycle repeated.
"I know you've missed acting," he said after Brenda thanked him for taking her. "It's not theatre, but I know a guy looking for a voice actor for a film if you're interested. Just until you're ready to be around the theatre crowds again. He said you can send him an audition tape, which we can get Silver to film, and then we can do the recordings over in Helsinki."
Brenda was gobsmacked.
"Too much?" asked Dylan. "I overstepped, didn't I?"
She could see him mentally berating himself.
"You didn't overstep at all." Brenda set her hand on Dylan's shoulder. "When I get the part, will you come with me to my recordings?"
"When you get the part," Dylan echoed with a dashing grin that Brenda believed to be part of the most devilishly handsome, charming appearance in the world. "Yeah, Bren. Of course I will."
"What's the film?" she asked.
"Some fairytale thing," said Dylan. "When he told me about it, it sounded right up your alley. They're hoping to release it in a couple years, for a small animation company called Dreamworks. You'll be auditioning for the Princess Fiona. She's in love with an ogre, and she literally kicks ass."
"You think I have it in me to be an ass-kicking princess?"
"I think you're more of an ass-kicking queen."
Brenda hadn't known how to respond to that.
She hadn't known what to say as Dylan had sat in front of her at their appointment and maintained eye contact on the cuff used by the midwife to measure Brenda's blood pressure.
She didn't realize she had reached out to Dylan until Brenda felt his hand in hers, holding on whilst Brenda winced from the blood draw to test her glucose.
She had then been sent for a urine sample to test her protein, and had come out of the toilets to find Dylan waiting for her against the elevators.
She hadn't known how to answer when Dylan coming to her cognitive training caused Alina to pull Brenda aside to ask about it.
She certainly hadn't known how to respond when she went to another AA meeting with Dylan, or a therapy session of Dylan's where he spoke about his first overdose.
More and more, Brenda wasn't sure of anything when it came to her daughter's father.
She stood before the mirror, fidgeting.
"Would you quit fidgeting?" asked Valerie. "I'm gonna stab you with this safety pin and then everyone will be mad at me for making you bleed."
"This is a horrible idea," said Brenda. "I can't go to the hotel dressed like this."
"We'll make it work," said Val. "Just stand still."
Brenda tried to do as she was told, though she didn't understand why Dylan had requested she wear a dress that barely fit her body at twenty-six weeks.
"What if I wear a different dress?" asked Brenda. "I have some lovely maternity ones that fit much better."
"Welcome to the twentieth century, where women wear whatever the fuck they want to wear and show whatever skin they feel like," said Val. "All you're showing is your back. And when I'm done with you, you'll show less of it."
"This better be worth it," Brenda huffed.
Seeing Dylan in a suit, his hair slicked back into a pompadour, made it a bit more worth it.
"What's with your hair?" Brenda laughed uproariously as she instinctively straightened his bow tie.
"Hey, if it weren't for this hair," Dylan tilted his head, "we wouldn't have our little girl."
Brenda wondered how that made the least bit of sense.
"Is this the same guy I wiped grease off of the other day?" she asked, looking him over from the top of his pompadour to the bottom of his polished shoes.
"You can say it," said Dylan. "I clean up nicely."
"And with an ego to boot," said Brenda.
"Hard to not have an ego when a breathtakingly gorgeous and incredibly sexy woman such as yourself is standing before me in that dress."
"What is it about this dress that you love so much?" asked Brenda. "It's a terrible dress."
"You didn't think so when you bought it," said Dylan.
Cupping Brenda's back, he walked her outside to the awaiting limousine.
"A limo?" she asked. "Now you're just showing off."
"Play along," he said.
"That's the ugliest fucking dress I ever saw." Brenda stared at the hideously large, red poofy dress taking up its own seat. "I am absolutely not wearing that."
"It's part of the decor," said Dylan.
"You need a lesson in decor," said Brenda.
They talked on the way to the hotel, where Dylan declined the chauffeur's services to open the car door for Brenda himself.
"I can open my own door," she said.
"Consider it pampering you," said Dylan, unflustered.
"If you were pampering me, I'd be in PJ's," said Brenda.
"Alright, next time I'll pamper you in your PJ's."
"You might want to rephrase that. Almost sounded like you'll be wearing my PJ's."
"I mean, if it'll make you happy, I don't mind wearing a little lingerie. Just don't tell your brother."
"Another secret between us?"
"We can have as many as you want."
Dylan stood behind Brenda, covering his hands over her eyes.
"Dyl, I can't see," she said.
"That's the point, Bren," he said. "Just listen."
She heard the opening of doors. The resonating strum of a guitar. The melodious tune.
The same one she had listened to repeatedly since David had purchased the CD for her.
"Dylan?" she asked.
"Recognize the song, Bren?" asked Dylan.
"You know I do," said Brenda. "I made you listen to it. You know I love this song."
"And you love this band, too." Dylan withdrew his hand.
"Oh my God!" Brenda gaped at the band on the stage of an empty ballroom. An ornate crystal chandelier set with rainbow prisms seemed to swing ever so slightly in the middle of the ceiling. "This isn't a private conference room."
"This was all the hotel could offer on short notice," came Dylan's silken reply. "We've got the place to ourselves, Bren. And I'd like you to meet Jimmer, Tim, Tommy, Terry." He pointed out each one. "You know them as -"
"The Rave-Ups," Brenda breathed. "Oh my God," she repeated.
"Dinner is served," said Dylan, leading Brenda over to a small, candlelit table.
He lifted the lids off of elaborately designed blue topaz-plated trays to reveal a selection of Italian foods, English foods, French foods, burgers, and what appeared to be a frozen burrito.
"I'm not eating that," said Brenda.
"It's not for eating," said Dylan. "It's a table piece."
"Weird table piece," said Brenda. "It's full of lard and we could get sick just having it around."
"It is full of lard," agreed Dylan. He poured sparkling juice for both of them.
"That's delicious," Brenda said after downing half of her wine glass. "What is it?"
"Lingonberry-Apple," said Dylan. "Clare recommended it. We also have dessert, but first," he dabbed at his mouth with his cloth napkin and set it down with a flourish, "a dance?" he asked.
"I'm getting the feeling this is a thing with us," said Brenda as she gave Dylan her hand. "Dancing."
"We did do a lot of dancing," said Dylan. "And it all started with them." He gestured towards the band.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"The night I knew there was no going back for me when it came to you, we listened to them."
"And I wore this dress?" Brenda realized.
"And you wore that dress," Dylan confirmed, swaying Brenda around the room.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to discard it," said Brenda.
Dylan's eyebrows ziplined upward.
"I just mean, toss it in the rubbish," Brenda hurried before Dylan could get the wrong impression. "Ever since I pulled this dress out of the box, I've been questioning my taste."
"You have great taste," said Dylan. He must have noticed Brenda's disbelief, for he added, "I'll make you a deal. You keep it, for now, and when our daughter's able to wear it, we'll let her decide what to do with it. Even if that means throwing it in the dumpster."
"Deal." Brenda lay her head against Dylan's chest. "What is it like?" she asked. "Falling in love?"
"Beautiful," said Dylan. "It makes you realize that there is more luminous beauty in the universe than you initially thought."
"Is it scary?"
"Bloody terrifying."
"Do you know when you feel it?"
"Not always." He pulled Brenda back to look at her. "Why do you ask? Are you - are you feeling something?"
"I don't know," said Brenda. "I assume I was in love with you once, but I don't know what it was like."
"Do you want me to tell you?" asked Dylan in a smolder.
"Could you?"
"Falling in love is a wide array of things, Bren. Sometimes, it's a caress." His knuckle caressed her cheek. "Sometimes, it's an embrace." He embraced her. "Sometimes, it's a kiss." He kissed her nose, chasing it with a butterfly kiss that made Brenda's skin tingle. "Sometimes, it's -"
"Sometimes, it's trying to shield yourself from the other person so you can't get hurt," said Brenda. "Like Val's doing with David, and Clare with Steve."
"And sometimes, it's dancing until your feet can no longer feel the floor." Dylan spun Brenda around.
"Is it also forgiveness?" asked Brenda when she had caught her breath.
"At times," said Dylan. "But if you have to keep forgiving someone and they never change, then that isn't the kind of love you should have around. You can't make them change. They have to choose to."
"And if you forgive someone who chose to change and has changed?"
"That's closer to it." Dylan carefully dipped Brenda, then righted her to press against him.
"What about friendship?" asked Brenda. "Can two close friends be in love?"
"That's the best kind of love," said Dylan with a bite of his lip and a caress of Brenda's hair. "You told me once it was how your grandparents fell in love."
"I wish I could remember you," said Brenda. "I really wish I could."
"I'm not going to pretend and tell you I don't wish for that, too," said Dylan tenderly. "I'm gonna do everything I can to help that happen, but you don't have to remember for there to be something between us."
"Is there something between us?" asked Brenda.
"That's something you'll have to figure out, Bren."
"Can I figure it out later? I just want to keep dancing."
"Okay," Dylan kissed Brenda's cheek, "but don't forget about dessert."
"I never forget dessert," said Brenda.
That night, Brenda had difficulty sleeping. She lay awake on her side, glanced at Dylan, and whispered, "Dyl?"
"Mm?" he murmured.
"Are you awake?" she asked.
"I am now," he said, rubbing at his eye as he flicked on the bedside lamp. "Is it a craving?"
Sort of, thought Brenda.
"Need me to run out and pick you up something?" he asked.
"Actually, I was wondering if you might consider crawling into my bed," said Brenda shyly.
Dylan was suddenly alert. "Don't - don't ask if you're not sure," he said. "Because once I get into your bed, I'm never leaving it."
"You have to leave it sometimes."
"Not if you're in it."
Brenda considered telling Dylan she had changed her mind, and then pulled back her covers.
"Get in," she said.
Dylan leapt beside her.
"Is this love?" asked Brenda. "Sharing a bed?"
"It can be," said Dylan. "Is that why you invited me in? To experiment?"
"No, it's because your daughter is keeping me up and I want to try to get a little bit of sleep before I'm woken by the train," said Brenda.
"In that case, I should probably hold you," he said. "You say she's calmer when I do that."
"Maybe that's why she doesn't kick for you yet. You put her too at ease."
"Now, there's a thought. I like that much better than our daughter not liking me."
"She loves you. You just have to be patient."
"I'll try."
Brenda turned back on her side, Dylan spooning her from behind.
"Night, Bren," he said.
"Night, babes," said Brenda.
"Night, baby," she thought Dylan might have whispered.
Brenda didn't wake once.
Not even to scream.
But Val did, Brandon told Brenda the next day as Brenda again took up residence on what had become her favorite spot.
Dylan's lap, which she realized she didn't want to share with any woman.
But Brenda didn't know why.
Nor did she know why Valerie screamed.
She did, however, know why David seemed to be the only person who could comfort Val that morning.
Because David was the person Valerie had handed her heart, whether or not Val wanted to accept it.
And because they seemed to have secrets between them, secrets that held the key to why Valerie screamed.
-x
BH got its kicks off of pitting women against women...against women. I don't.
It's getting to be that time of year again where my job will take precedence, so whilst I do hope to continue weekly updates, or biweekly updates, I cannot promise them.
I will be attending 90s Con on the 19th of this month (thanks to Amtrak and Airbnb both permitting payment by Credit so that I only had to pay the ticket price out of checking.) Therefore, I will not be posting any story update the weekend of the 19th. If you would like to contribute to that ridiculously overpriced 90210 photo op/Clueless photo op (230 USD and 225 USD, respectively,) feel free to message me for a link to my BuyMeaCoffee. What can I say; I couldn't pass up the chance to see Shannen, Jason, and Alicia Silverstone when they're that close. Plus, Amanda Bynes (along with the Olsen twins and Lindsay Lohan) defined my childhood.
Sources: Google + the websites for American Pregnancy Association and Tommys.
(Shout-out to KJ to express my continued gratitude and appreciation. I'm a sucker for the slowburn - likely from having grown up on soaps - so somehow, it always seeps into my stories.)
Thanks a million! x