They were out of honey.
Sugar; they were out of that, too.
Ketchup. Mustard. Whipped cream. Caramel syrup. Chocolate syrup.
Fuck, not the chocolate syrup.
"Steve!"
"What?"
"How did we run out of chocolate syrup?"
"Do I really need to remind you how we ran out of chocolate syrup, Babycakes?"
"Well, we need some pronto!" said Clare.
"More fun and games?" Steve bore a mischievous glint in his eyes, a mischief Clare felt certain no pirate could match. "We can easily find another condiment for that."
"Steve, Brenda's going to be here any minute and she's been craving chocolate syrup a lot lately. Do you want to be responsible for disappointing our Brenda, who, may I remind you, is nine months pregnant, when she has a craving that can't be satisfied?" asked Clare.
"Just ask Dylan to send some along," said Steve.
"We need to lay off the condiments," said Clare.
"Really?" Steve gathered Clare to his towel-clad waist. "I was thinking we didn't use them enough." He plunged his lips into her neckline.
"You should get dressed," said Clare, trying to concentrate.
"You should get undressed." Steve granted just as much attention to the other side of Clare's neck, and then to her collarbone. "We still have time before they get here."
"Kind of defies the purpose of a shower."
"Then I'll take another one, this time with a companion. I prefer taking one with a companion, anyway."
"Exactly how many companions do you take showers with?"
"Lately? Just the one."
As usual, when Steve's lips claimed Clare's, she rediscovered the inability to maintain a clear head.
"Brenda," she said.
"Ages yet," said Steve.
"Then how come I hear Val outside?" asked Clare.
"Coinky-dink," said Steve.
The intercom announced otherwise.
"You better put some clothes on," said Clare.
"I'm not done," said Steve.
"So you want Brenda to tell Dylan all about how she saw you in only a towel?" asked Clare.
"I better put some clothes on," said Steve. "The second Bren leaves today -"
"We'll resume." Clare shooed Steve away and opened the door.
"We're early, I know," said Valerie. "Brandon insisted on leaving for the airport earlier than we need to. Dylan's dropping us off so Brandon avoids paying for parking and none of us were confident about how well Brenda would handle the overstimulation, so thank you for agreeing to watch her."
"I'm sorry you have to watch me," said Brenda. "I shouldn't need to be watched, but Dylan will hardly let me be alone. I said I could wait in the car while he saw them off and he said no way, José. I don't know who José is. Dylan didn't know who he is, either. He said it's an expression, but I think it's weird."
"Dyl's not the only one who won't let you be alone," said Val.
"Can't say I blame them," said Clare. "You're always welcome to hang out here, Bren."
"I like hanging out here," said Brenda. She grasped Clare's hand and brought it to her stomach. "She does, too; see?"
"Even though I live with a boy now?" asked Clare, fascinated by the activity against her hand.
"We all do," said Brenda. "David's moved in, so that's three boys I live with."
"David has not moved in," said Val. "He just won't go home."
"That's because he is home," said Brenda. "Like Steve is home." She glanced around Clare's apartment. "Although it still looks the same."
"That's because Clare here doesn't let me touch the living room." Steve scooped Brenda and Valerie into a simultaneous embrace. "Always lovely to see you ladies."
"I told him his beer can collection had to go elsewhere," said Clare. "I didn't say he couldn't touch the living room at all."
"Potato, tomato," said Steve. "How are you doing, Bren?" He kissed her cheek.
"Sleepy," said Brenda.
She chatted with Steve, telling him about her restless night and assuring him of her acceptable blood pressure, as Valerie handed Clare a paper bag.
"What's this?" asked Clare.
"Chocolate syrup, honey, and some whipped cream," said Valerie. "Something told me you might be out of them, and I just know Bren's going to ask you for two out of three."
"Thank you," said Clare.
"I wish you were coming with us," said Val.
"I wish I were, too," said Clare, "but the more time I spend in the lab, the better chance there is of figuring out how my team can help Brenda."
"That's the only reason I'm not dragging you to New York," said Val. "Take care of her, and Steve. Take care of yourself, too, and I guess take care of Dylan - if you have to."
"When are you going to drop this reluctant friendship act with Dylan?"
"Probably never. It's too entertaining. He doesn't need to know that I'm starting to think of him as one of my best friends."
"You take care of David, and Brandon; yes, even Kelly. But most of all, take care of yourself."
"If Kel and I get through this trip without killing each other, it'll be a miracle."
"Please don't," said Clare. "It would be a nightmare to try to explain to Bren."
Valerie laughed and hugged her friend.
"Dylan will pick Brenda up after his therapy session," said Val. "Shouldn't be more than a couple hours; a few, max."
Clare asked how Dylan's therapy sessions had been.
"He seems to be making a lot of great progress," said Brenda.
"Has nothing to do with Bren going with Dyl to his latest session, of course," said Val.
"Don't you have a plane to catch?" asked Brenda.
"Is that any way to speak with your older sister who's going to be gone for who knows how long?" asked Val.
"Brandon said a week, if that," said Brenda. "And you're barely older."
"Eight months older," said Val. "Humor me." Valerie held out her arms for the side-hug Clare had often seen Brenda give to Val.
Brenda instead embraced Valerie fully, much to Val's - and Clare's - amazement.
"I let Steve hug me," said Brenda by way of explanation. "Besides, the next time we see you, she might be out of my belly, so this could be the last time you get to feel her in there."
"Oh no you don't." Releasing Brenda, Valerie leant down to put her face right up against Brenda's stomach. "Now, you listen here, darling girl of mine. You are not allowed to come out until your Auntie Val and Uncle Brandon get back. Got it? I am not going to let your father tell you stories about how I missed your birth to go see my mother. I am very much going to be there for your birth, and I am very much going to help the midwife deliver you."
Brenda sputtered out a laugh as she helped Val to stand.
"Promise you'll take care of my brother and David?" asked Brenda.
"I promise," said Val.
"Kelly, too?"
"Do I have to?"
"Kelly too," Brenda reiterated.
"Fine, Kelly too," said Val, as she pressed a kiss to Brenda's hair. "But you owe me big."
"How big?"
"I'll let you know."
"There's one more person I need you to promise you'll take care of," said Brenda. "One person you have to care for more than you care for anyone else."
"The pilot?" asked Val.
"You." Brenda placed her hand over Valerie's chest. "Take care of you, and your heart. Especially when you're facing your mother again. David thinks you're scared of her. Are you scared of her?"
Valerie didn't answer that.
"Are you scared of David being around her?" asked Brenda.
Valerie wouldn't answer that, either.
"Take care of yours," said Val. "I better not hear about you ending up in hospital again."
"It isn't like I keep ending up there intentionally," said Brenda.
"No, but it is becoming a habit, so please do desist."
"Do desist? You're starting to sound like Brandon."
"Now you're just being rude."
Valerie's phone began to chirp.
"That'll be your brother," she said.
"He's not coming in to see me?" asked Brenda.
"You aren't going out to see him?" asked Val.
"I am nine months pregnant," said Brenda. "Until Dylan gets here, I'm not moving from Clare's sofa unless I absolutely have to," she said as she sat down on said sofa.
"I'll get him," said Val.
Dylan entered in on the heels of Brandon and Kelly.
"Val said you're in pain?" Dylan's eyebrows crinkled in their consternation.
"Val," said Brenda.
"I may have stretched the truth a bit," said Valerie.
"A bit?" asked Kelly. "You said Brenda was hunched over."
"She was hunched over," said Val.
"On Clare's comfortable sofa," said Brenda. "Why don't we have a sofa this comfortable?"
"We'll add it to the list." Dylan relaxed just a trifle. "No pain, then?"
"You mean, besides the pain of seeing off these three?" asked Brenda.
"No pain, then," said Dylan.
Another round of temporary goodbyes occurred, this time between Kelly and Clare, Brandon and Steve, and Steve and Valerie.
"Don't kill Val," Brenda told Kelly. "Please. I need her."
"I'll do my best," said Kelly.
"Watch out for Abby," came Clare's warning to Kelly. "From the little Val's told me, her mother doesn't sound at all trustworthy."
"I've known a few of those types in my lifetime," said Kelly. "My father's worked with plenty."
Brenda clung to Brandon.
"It'll all work out," he told her, rubbing his hand over her back. "Like when I was in Estonia."
"Val was here when you were in Estonia," said Brenda.
"Are you worried about being alone with Dylan?" asked Clare. "Because I can always temporarily move into yours, if that would help."
Their distaste wasn't verbalized, yet the faces of both Steve and Dylan were blatantly clear in what they thought about the idea.
"Not as worried as I am about Valerie having to be around her mother," said Brenda. "She hates her mother."
"It'll all work out," Brandon repeated. "For everyone."
"You said it won't take longer than a week," said Brenda. "Don't forget."
"I won't." Brandon flattened Brenda's hair down and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"I'll be back soon." Dylan bent his head down to swipe his lips over Brenda's shoulder.
His movement caused everyone but Brenda to stare at him.
"What?" asked Dylan.
"Nothing," said Val, as the room realized Brenda hadn't reacted.
"They better be back soon, too," said Brenda.
"We will," said Kelly. "I'll make sure of it. Bran and Val will both be here in time for that baby's birth."
"Thank you," said Brenda.
She asked where David was.
Probably with Donna, said Valerie, a half-second before David arrived.
"Val thought you were with Donna," said Brenda as she greeted him.
"I was on my way to the airport," said David. "Got the text from Dylan that you were all over here."
"I know Andrea has to work, but is Donna coming?" asked Brenda.
"Don had to meet with a new client of hers over in Turku," said Kelly. "David and I had breakfast with her this morning, and she saw Brandon last night."
"Breakfast with Donna, huh?" Valerie asked David.
"She wanted to pay," said David. "You know me; I never pass up a free breakfast. Kel was there."
"So Kelly mentioned," said Val.
"Donna spent most of the meal talking to us about D'Shawn," said Kelly.
"And did that bother you?" Val asked David.
"Does it bother you when Steve talks to you about Clare?" David shot back. "You did date and sleep with him."
"Leave me out of this." Steve flicked a desperate glance to Clare.
Clare rearranged her face to assure Steve that she hadn't been at all bothered by David's comment.
If she had been bothered by the idea of Steve and Val, then Steve would have had to be equally bothered by Clare speaking with her other ex-boyfriend, David.
"My relationship with Steve is completely different to the relationship you've had on and off and on and off with Donna," said Val. "For all I know, you could be back on again if she and D'Shawn don't work out."
Brenda made a noise in the back of her throat that had the entire room on high alert.
"I just wanted to interrupt their argument," said Brenda.
"Yeah, let's not fake a cramp to get David and Val to stop fighting," said Dylan as he locked his arms around Brenda's shoulders and dropped his chin on her head.
"We aren't fighting," said Val.
"Could've fooled us," said Dylan. "You sound like you're having an old married couple's jealousy spat."
"Well we aren't," said Val.
"David's about to fly over to New York to be there for you as you confront your mother," Clare pointed out.
"I didn't ask him to do that," said Val. "In fact, I'd much prefer if David weren't around my mother at all."
"And that, right there, is exactly why I'm going," said David. His tone left little room for argument.
Brenda's intuition had been spot-on, Clare realized.
Valerie was fucking terrified of her mother being in the same proximity as David. She would pull out whatever negative trait necessary and amplify it to convince David off of that plane.
But Clare knew David, too, and he wouldn't be convinced; especially not if he believed Val to be in any kind of danger.
Clare observed the others, wondering if Brenda had caught onto how content she looked in Dylan's hold, more content than Clare had seen Brenda look around Luca.
She wondered if Brandon noticed when Kelly's hand inched towards his, or if Brandon could feel when his hand twitched in response.
She wondered if Valerie had meant to stand that close to David.
And they thought she and Steve had been stubborn.
Speaking of, Clare thought as Steve slipped his own arms back around her.
It was easy to relax into Steve, her own personal plush giraffe.
Giraffe. They could buy a stuffed giraffe for Brenda's baby, for Uncle Steve to always be around even when he was physically distant.
Clare would discuss it with her boyfriend.
She liked that label being back on Steve: boyfriend.
Perhaps they would reexamine that label, someday, but at that moment, Clare liked where they stood.
She liked Steve, immensely.
He had matured considerably in the time they had been apart, and if Clare ever came into contact with Carly Reynolds, she would thank her profusely.
It had been Val who had told Clare about Carly, the woman who had taught Steve Sanders how to grow.
But it had been his fervent desire to help his friends that had brought out greater levels of responsibility no one had known Steve could access.
Including himself.
Clare not only liked him; she ardently loved him.
Steve continued to star in her mind, so much so that when Brenda next spoke to Clare alone, it took a minute to shake away thoughts of Steve in order to concentrate on Brenda's statement.
"What'd you say?" asked Clare.
"I said that I had planned to break up with Luca," said Brenda.
"You did?" asked Clare.
"Yes," said Brenda. "When I was on the bus the other day, I was going to Luca's to break up with him. But I missed my stop and then I couldn't get off and Dylan says Luca's tire iron broke me out, plus every time I've wanted to call Luca to ask to meet with him, I've gotten distracted for some reason or other, so I took all of that as a sign that I'm not supposed to break up with Luca."
Luca had remained adamant that he would not be the responsible party for ending his relationship with Brenda.
Perhaps, Clare thought, this was her opportunity to help steer Brenda in that direction.
"Why did you miss your stop?" asked Clare.
"Sorry?" asked Brenda.
"Why did you miss your stop?" Clare asked again.
"Because I was talking to Dylan," Brenda replied bluntly.
"You missed your stop for Luca's because you were talking to Dylan, and you're under the impression that the universe wants you to stay with Luca?" asked Clare.
"Doesn't it?" asked Brenda, genuinely befuddled.
"Who keeps distracting you from calling him?"
"Dylan, mostly. And her. But also the group."
"Here." Clare handed Brenda her phone.
"What is this for?" asked Brenda.
"You're going to call Luca and schedule a time to meet with him," Clare encouraged. "I won't do anything to distract you. Use my phone so the texts that might come to yours can't create a distraction."
"Meet him for a date?" asked Brenda.
"If that's what you want," said Clare. "You, Bren. Ignore whatever you think the universe wants for you, whatever signs you think it's giving, and concentrate on what you are telling yourself you want. Is what you want dating one man, then going home to another who will be waiting for you with your daughter sleeping on his shoulder? Because Dylan will be waiting for you. You know he will. And when you and Dylan visit your daughter's pediatrician, do you want Dylan to have to stand there as the man you're with examines yours and Dylan's child?"
"That's a good question." Brenda had evidently not considered that far ahead. "He has been quite clear that he desires for me to be with him," she added in a lowered decibel that seemed to forget Clare was nearby.
"Perhaps it's a question to consider," said Clare kindly.
"Yes, I should," said Brenda. "But Luca's your friend, and Kai's friend. Will I hurt you and Kai if I hurt him?"
"Bren, you'll only hurt me if you remain with Luca while you're unsure about being with him."
"I wouldn't cheat on him."
"I know you wouldn't, honey. But there's no reason you should be miserable, and if you are, it'll make Luca miserable, too."
"I'm not exactly miserable…"
"Don't focus on how you physically feel. Try to concentrate on how your heart feels, on your soul. If there's any chance your mind is filled with thoughts of one more than the other."
"Would that mean something?"
"It could mean you're in love."
Brenda asked if Steve was consistently on Clare's mind.
Always, said Clare.
Brenda, after a bout of overthinking, accepted the phone. She requested that Clare assist Brenda in walking to an area with greater privacy.
"What's she doing?" Steve stood behind Clare and tucked his arms snugly around her waist.
"Calling Luca," said Clare.
"Why?" asked Steve.
"If you refrain from prying, I might do that thing you want me to do."
"The one you've refused to do every time we've been together?"
"That's the one."
"Who's prying? I'm not prying." Steve lowered his face over Clare's. "Do I at least get to know if there's an opportunity for me to be Dylan's best man?"
"You know Dylan isn't going to make you his best man."
"He might. I did help him save Brenda's life."
"Brandon's their brother."
"And when Dylan and Brandon could barely tolerate each other and were fighting about Brenda in hospital parking lots, who was there to talk Dylan out of impromptu bike rides that could have resulted in severe damage to his craninium? That's right. Me."
"It's pronounced cranium."
"Exactly what I said."
"I can always visit the community room if you two require privacy," said Brenda. A slight smirk akin to the one Dylan often wore flashed across her lips.
"Three doesn't have to be a crowd," said Steve. "How did your call go?"
"Fine," said Brenda. "We've scheduled something for Friday."
"So, tomorrow?" asked Clare.
"Is Friday tomorrow?" asked Brenda. "Without work, my days have blended together."
"You've barely been on maternity leave that long," said Steve.
"Long enough," said Brenda. "And now with my twin and our sister across the ocean, it's going to feel even longer."
"Hope Val and Kel aren't killing each other on the plane," said Steve.
"I told them not to," said Brenda.
"I'm sure they aren't," said Clare, to reassure both Brenda and herself.
"Do you like being together?" Brenda asked Steve and Clare.
"Clare's been letting me in, a lot," said Steve.
"More than I ever did before," said Clare, acknowledging how her relationship with Steve had matured in a way it hadn't quite reached before their second breakup.
"Does that mean you'll get married?" asked Brenda.
"What drew you to that conclusion?" asked Clare.
"People in love like to get married," said Brenda.
"I suspect we might," said Steve, "one day. In the future."
"Are you in love when you imagine what your life might be like if you were to marry?" asked Brenda.
"Depends on if you're thinking of it in general, or if it's aimed at someone specifically," said Steve.
"Are you thinking of marrying someone specifically?" asked Clare.
"I might be," said Brenda.
"Someone who might be looking for a best man?" Steve hinted.
"I assume he'll already have one." Brenda returned to a sitting position. "Do you have any chocolate sauce?" she asked.
"We ran ou - " Steve began.
Clare immediately cut him off with her lips.
"Yep, got it right here." Clare held up the bag Valerie had handed her.
Val, Clare mouthed when Steve shot over an inquisitive look.
Smart girl, Steve mouthed back.
"I feel like baking brownies," said Brenda. "Steve, will you help me?"
"Bake brownies?" Steve carried the reaction of one who had been horribly tricked. "Should you be baking, Bren?"
"You mean, because of my condition, or because of the pregnancy?" she asked.
"Both," he said.
"I can bake," she said. "It will prevent me from worrying over Brandon and Val."
"Then sure, I'll help. Clare can be the taste-tester."
"I'll taste-test the brownies Steve doesn't make."
"Very funny."
"Sorry, babe. I'd like my health to remain intact."
"Just for that, make sure she doesn't know which brownies are yours, Bren."
"You want me to give Clare food poisoning?"
"Oh, you two are hilarious. Hi-lari-ous."
"I just want to practice making brownies before I make them with Hannah," said Brenda. "I don't want to screw them up with her."
"You won't," said Clare. "Steve?"
"Tell me what ingredients we need," said Steve. "We can send Clare to run out and buy any we don't have."
"I'd be happy to," said Clare.
Brenda found ingredients in Clare's kitchen that Clare didn't know she had.
Brenda and Steve baked precisely three batches before Brenda was satisfied.
"What are we going to do with all of these wasted brownies?" she asked, untying her waist apron as she examined the full trays.
"Into the stomach you go." Steve lifted a brownie off of one of the trays.
"Wait until they cool a bit," said Clare.
"I hate waiting for dessert," said Steve.
"Me too," said Brenda.
"I'm sure your dessert hates waiting for you," Clare told Brenda.
"I don't know what you mean," said Brenda.
"Don't you?" asked Clare.
Brenda peered closely at Clare, as if she were trying to read Clare's mind for the answer.
"Something smells amazing."
Brenda broke out into a radiant smile and whirled around.
"I made brownies," she told Dylan. "Well, Steve and I made brownies."
"Sanders baked?" asked Dylan. "You tryin' to land my girls back in hospital, Sanders?"
"Brenda asked for my help," said Steve.
"Not one of your brighter ideas, Bren," said Dylan.
"It only took him three batches to make a good one," said Brenda. She popped one of Steve's brownies into Dylan's mouth. "See?"
Dylan chewed slowly, sensually, as he kept his gaze on Brenda.
"Not bad, Sanders," said Dylan.
"Bren's a good teacher," said Steve.
"I taught someone something." Brenda's voice was smothered in pride.
"I'm extremely proud of you," Dylan told her. "You ready to go home, or you wanna keep baking with Steve-o?"
"No more baking," she said. "I just want to go home and put my feet up."
"Home we go," he said. "Thanks for caring for my girls," he told Steve and Clare.
"Anytime," they said.
As promised, Clare ended the night doing that thing to Steve he had always prodded for and never been permitted.
She enjoyed doing it a considerable amount more than she had thought she would.
Perhaps thinking of Steve learning how to bake turned her on.
There went the honey.
Again.
xx
He was overcompensating.
The thought had occurred to her when he had brought her breakfast in bed for the third time that week, and she had spoken her thought aloud before she could catch herself.
"You caught me," he said. "I am overcompensating. It's the first time we've been completely alone in this house and it's only been a handful of days since your release from hospital. I just want everything to be perfect for you."
"You've made me multiple breakfasts in bed," said Brenda. "You're already perfect. I mean, the food," she backtracked, "the food is perfect."
"Yeah, couldn't be me," said Dylan. "I'm as far from perfect as one can get."
You're perfect to me, Brenda nearly said, but did keep that thought in.
Was Dylan supposed to be perfect to her? Brenda wondered. Or should Luca be that person?
Luca should, shouldn't he?
Should neither of them be? Perfect, after all, wasn't a trait for one to aspire to. Perfect would have been rather dull.
Dylan wasn't dull; far from it, in Brenda's mind.
"Have my waffles at least improved?" asked Dylan. "I tried to make them exactly the way Brandon said you like. Followed the recipe to the letter."
Dylan carried the look of a child wishing to please their dearest friend so that even if the waffles hadn't improved, Brenda wouldn't have been able to bear telling him.
"Immensely," she said, and shoveled in her breakfast as evidence.
"Good," Dylan's grin reached his eyes. "Only the best for my dear friend," he said, with a particular emphasis on the words.
They were friends; weren't they?
Dylan wanted them to be more, Brenda knew.
But did she want the same as he did?
"Did I sleep alright?" she asked, moving into the kitchen to carry in her dishes. "Without Brandon and Val around?"
"You slept great." Dylan took the dishes from her. "I know that because your snoring kept me up all night long."
"Oh, it did not."
"If it wasn't you snoring, then it was her, because there was definitely snoring coming from the other side of our bed."
"Or that was the echo of your own snoring."
"You know what I think?" asked Dylan.
"No, what do you think?" asked Brenda.
"I think you're snoring because your lips aren't getting enough nourishment." Dylan captured Brenda's waist.
"Then I should use more chapstick?"
"They say a tender touch could work wonders."
Brenda tenderly touched her fingers to her lips.
"My lips don't feel any different," she said as she removed her fingers.
"It's usually better if it's someone else's tender touch." Dylan grazed the pad of his finger over Brenda's upper lip. "I myself like the taste of something sweet, maybe from a shiny lipgloss."
"What kind of lipgloss does Gina use?"
"Haven't the faintest. My preferred lipgloss is normally on the lips of someone whose eyes are a little more blue."
"Kelly has blue eyes. Val's eyes are super blue."
"They are super blue, aren't they? I wasn't thinking quite that blue."
"Got to be someone with a less crooked gait."
"Or I happen to like a crooked gait when my kid is the reason behind it."
"Are you offering your tender touch?"
Dylan inched closer.
Brenda closed one eye.
"Are you single?" asked Dylan.
Brenda stammered out a response in the negative.
"Then it isn't mine to offer." He drew back. "I guess your boyfriend knows a thing or two about how to properly nourish your lips."
"I wouldn't know." Brenda opened her eyes.
"You wouldn't?"
Brenda discovered a certain tranquility in watching the way Dylan's chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm, a rhythm that Brenda thought may have once been imprinted on her memory.
A rhythm she thought may have become imprinted on her memory once more.
"We haven't kissed," Brenda confessed.
"You sure this guy is into you, Bren?" asked Dylan.
"What makes you say that?"
"Because I was already kissing you after our very first date, which wasn't even a date. Second your lips came near mine, didn't waste any time. We were still making out in the car when I took you back to your parents'."
"You can't really compare," she said. "He's at a severe disadvantage." Her hands angled in a sort of backwards akimbo. "He doesn't want to push me if I'm not ready. He's waiting for me to make the move."
"So why haven't you?" asked Dylan. "You like the guy an enormous amount; isn't that what you keep saying?"
"I do," said Brenda.
"But?" Dylan's hands flattened against the counter. His posture shifted until he was hunched around Brenda.
"But," Brenda looked at the clock, "but I have to get ready for the troupe. They're going to be here in an hour, and my hair isn't even washed!"
"Can hardly tell," said Dylan. "Should I join you?"
"Probably better if you don't. My swimsuit doesn't fit properly anymore."
"I could lend you mine."
"You don't have a swimsuit and I am quite certain that even this waistline won't fit in your swim trunks."
"I could buy you another bathing suit for your fabulous waistline."
"You don't have time to pop round the shop to get me another swimsuit before the troupe arrives."
"Next time, then."
It had become natural, her flirtation with Dylan.
For, Brenda realized, that was precisely what their dialogue had become. Flirtation.
A flirtation she enjoyed, enormously.
A flirtation she assumed she shouldn't enjoy, especially not in her satin robe and slippers with Dylan in his boxers.
Brenda's discussion with Clare had helped to somewhat settle her rattled mind. Brenda had decided that she would not plan out in advance what she would say to Luca, that whatever came to mind in the moment would be the words that flowed out of her lips.
"What do you say to a movie tonight?" asked Dylan. "We can rent Dirty Dancing and stay in with all the dessert you can eat."
"I love Dirty Dancing," said Brenda, "and dessert."
"Fascinating," said Dylan. "I had a hunch you did. I'm sure we can find it in town."
"Not that that doesn't sound appealing," Brenda carefully selected her words, "but I have plans tonight."
"You do?"
"Yes. With Luca."
"I see."
"Please don't be upset."
"Upset? I'm not upset. You have plans with your boyfriend who you haven't seen since you were in the hospital, when we were all unsure of your recovery. It's to be expected."
"Why do you call him that?"
"Call him what?"
"My boyfriend. You've called him that since the first date I went on with him."
"Perhaps because I fully anticipate that he will be the last boyfriend you ever have."
There was that look again; the smolder that threatened to demolish the safeguards Brenda had put into place.
She didn't believe anyone could pull off a smolder quite as well as Dylan could.
"How do your lips taste?" Almost on their own accord, Brenda's eyes slid to Dylan's mouth.
"You'll have to tell me," said Dylan. "But only -"
"If I'm single," Brenda finished for him.
"Baby, the second you decide to kiss me, your days of singlehood are permanently over," said Dylan.
"But you just said Luca will be my last boyfriend."
"That's because if you're with me, our relationship has long since progressed past the dating stage. I've been your boyfriend, three different times. I won't be your boyfriend again, but I'm open to being other things."
"Like my fiancé?"
"Why, Ms. Walsh, are you proposing to the father of your child?"
"I better take that shower now."
"Whenever you'd like a companion, let me know."
"I have a companion," said Brenda, and set her hands against her belly.
Dylan didn't join her in the shower, but Brenda's imagination almost convinced her otherwise.
She had never pictured showering with Luca.
Perhaps she only pictured showering with Dylan because she had previously permitted him in her shower.
And in her bath.
In her bed.
"What do you think I should do?" Brenda spoke aloud, staring down at her bare stomach as her thumb crossed over it. "On second thought, don't answer that. I know what you think I should do. You want me to be with your Daddy. And, sweetheart, it's possible I might want that, too." Brenda rinsed her hair. "Maybe. Possibly. I'm not sure. I guess the bigger question is less if I want to be with Dylan and more if I want to continue this experiment with Luca."
Brenda imagined the scenario Clare had put forth, walking through the door after a meal with Luca to find Dylan on the other side of it taking care of their daughter.
She imagined another scenario, of her child developing an illness that she and Dylan would lean on each other during, whilst Luca stood uncomfortably nearby.
Brenda tried again, picturing a third man she had not yet met who might turn her head from Luca and Dylan both.
"I don't want that for you," she told her daughter. "I don't want you to be waiting with your Daddy while Mommy's out somewhere else with someone else. Baby, I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't want that. And therein lies the problem."
Had her balance been a tad bit better, Brenda would have sat against the shower wall.
Instead, she shut off the shower valves and looked at herself in the bathroom mirror as she toweled off.
"Could I possibly be in love?" she asked the mirror.
It was all she could think about, throughout improv practice and in the lines she came up with during improv.
She called Donna to ask if Donna thought that Brenda should break up with Luca.
Donna told Brenda that was a decision Brenda had to make on her own, which wasn't at all helpful.
Brenda skimmed through her diaries, searching for any passage that may have noted how she felt the first time she had fallen in love with Dylan McKay.
He makes my heart break out into a melody only the two of us understand, Brenda's sophomore self had written.
A simple note, but one that helped Brenda to come to a conclusion.
"Do you think you can love me?" she asked Luca as they strolled through the various stalls selling colorful garb.
"You are easy to love," said Luca.
"But can you be in love with me?" asked Brenda.
"That is difficult to say," said Luca. "When you were hurt, on the bus, my stomach; it was tight."
"Tight? Like a contraction tight?"
"Like a knot around tree. But my heart; Brenda, I stood there and watched the heart of Dylan as it crumbled into tiny pieces. My heart; it pained, but I must admit, I am not so sure it crumbled."
Brenda pushed herself forward to try to kiss Luca.
The pressure against her pelvis deterred her.
"I can't do it," said Brenda, more to herself than to Luca.
"Cannot do?" asked Luca.
"Luca, for days I have debated over what I might want. For weeks, I have tried to kiss you. On your lips, on your cheek; anywhere a girlfriend will kiss her boyfriend. Because that's what we are; aren't we? Kind of? I can kiss Dylan on his cheek, so why can't I kiss you? I started thinking that maybe it was because of her, because every time I try to get close, she interferes. And while I'm not entirely convinced she isn't partly to blame, I don't think she's wholly responsible, either."
"I could try to kiss you," Luca suggested.
"That's the thing," said Brenda. "I've realized I can't kiss you, and I've realized why. Luca, you're a great guy; you really are. You're intelligent and sweet, you have an appreciation for the arts and culture. You speak multiple languages, and you've never done anything to hurt me. On paper, you're everything I should want; hell, you even helped everyone rescue me. You're a huge part of the reason I'm still alive. Maybe, if there wasn't her, I would want you."
"But there is a her," said Luca.
"Yes, there is a her. You'll make some lucky woman supremely happy, someone who thinks about you a lot. I don't think about you enough. I realize that now. I've realized the real reason I can't kiss you, and that reason is because I want to be kissing someone else: the person who gave me her. I think I want to kiss him and only him for the rest of my life. I haven't been able to think of anyone but him since I sat on the bus and feared if I'd never see him again. I should have been thinking of you, but all I thought of was getting to him. I'm sorry."
"Sorry; it is unnecessary. I have expected this moment. It was inevitable, after - intimacy? - between you and Dylan in hospital."
"It seems like I've used you," said Brenda. "I never meant to do that."
"We had deal," said Luca. "Deal was to help you decide how you think of Dylan."
"So I've decided."
"You have decided."
"I'm pretty sure Val isn't as single as she thinks," Brenda warned Luca. "Andrea is."
"It is better if I do not date around your circle," said Luca. "For time being."
"I'm sorry I couldn't love you," said Brenda as, for the first time, she was able to kiss Luca's cheek.
"I am glad you have decided," said Luca.
"And you? Will you be able to move on from Tricia?"
"There is chance."
Standing on the stoop in front of her house, Brenda was suddenly wracked with nerves.
Had Dylan only wanted her when she had been unattainable? Was it a silly question to wonder?
"Courage," she said. "I must grasp onto courage."
Brenda saw Dylan's head turn from the television as she entered the house.
Had he somehow become more attractive in the hours she had been gone?
"You're back earlier than you planned." Dylan paused whatever he had been watching. "Is König outside?"
"I asked that he drop me off," said Brenda.
"Didn't expect you and König to have a tiff."
"We didn't."
"Then should I call our midwife?" Dylan leapt to his feet in alarm.
"No, no, nothing like that. I just wondered if Dirty Dancing and all-you-can-eat dessert is still on the table."
"'Course it is." Dylan sat back down and tapped the seat beside him. "Nice date?"
"It was nice. We talked."
"Should I be flattered you cut your conversation short with König to come hang out with me?"
"Should I be flattered you'd rather watch a movie with me than read one of our many novels?"
"We can do both."
Dylan talked Brenda into sitting down and waiting for him to bring out the various desserts to her.
"I am allowed to walk to the kitchen," she said.
"And I'm allowed to get the dessert for you," said Dylan. "We've got peach pie, cherry pie, apple pie, lemon pie, cream pie, and a pizza pie. Ain't easy to find pecan pie or honey pie around here; believe me, I tried. And it's much better if I'm not the one baking it."
"That's a lot of pie. You got a pizza pie for dessert?"
"I did when it's made out of chocolate."
"What kind of cream?"
"Banana. French silk. Got some ice-cream too, of course."
"We're gonna have to freeze most of these pies."
"If we don't finish 'em, Steve will."
"I see a box of popcorn on the counter."
"That's another option."
Brenda asked if there was a reason behind Dylan purchasing a plethora of pies, along with popcorn.
She didn't require a reason for ice-cream.
"Heard all those flavors mentioned before," said Dylan. "Thought I'd give you and her more pie variety than just peach. And we're American. Popcorn and movies just go together for Americans. Chocolate, popcorn, and movies? Even better."
Brenda ate her fill, a small portion of most of the pies, and leant against Dylan as they watched.
"Why did you specifically choose this movie?" she asked.
"When you would babysit, you'd always rent this movie to watch," said Dylan against Brenda's head.
"I used to babysit?"
"Frequently in Minneapolis, I've heard. Less so in LA."
"Did I babysit babies?"
Dylan curled his arms around Brenda.
"Not long now for us to find out. Bren?"
"Yes?" she asked.
"Why did you really come back early?"
"Because I wondered if you were lonely."
"I was."
Brenda wanted to say that she had been lonely, too, but thought that might be disrespectful to Luca.
She hadn't intended to feel that way; yet, somehow, the feeling crept up on her in the moments when she and Dylan were apart.
"Dyl?"
"Mm?"
"Am I on your mind a lot?"
"Constantly."
Brenda asked if she had been on Dylan's mind whilst they had been separated. Dylan said she had, and that he had done everything he could to try to force her out of it.
"You're on mine, too," said Brenda.
She waited until halfway into the movie to pose her next question.
"Do I make your heart break out into a melody only the two of us understand?"
"Every nanosecond of every millisecond of every second of every minute of every hour of every day."
"Maybe it's because half of you is still growing in me, but you do the same for me."
"How about König? Does your boyfriend do that for you?"
"Ex," said Brenda.
"Come again?" Dylan paused the movie and turned Brenda to completely face him.
"He's my ex-boyfriend," said Brenda. "We broke up."
"You - you broke up," Dylan echoed nearly soundlessly. "Why?"
"That's simple. He doesn't make my heart break out into a melody only the two of us understand."
"Brenda, are you trying to tell me something?"
"It's what you have been trying to tell me." Brenda tucked her swollen legs between Dylan's legs. "You, and Val, and Kelly. Steve, Clare, Donna. Everyone. You've all been trying to tell me that you're back in love with me."
"Never fell out of it, if we're being truthful." Dylan raked his fingers through Brenda's hair. "It's impossible to fall out of love with you, Brenda."
"I think it's equally impossible to fall out of love with you," said Brenda.
"Bren -"
"I broke up with Luca because when I was on the bus, Dylan, all I could think about was how I needed to somehow get off of it so I could return to you. And I thought that was because I was scared I was in labor, or because of how I needed to know if what I was remembering about Baja was real. But those weren't the reasons you were on my mind."
"They weren't?"
"No, because you've been constantly on my mind, for weeks now. Maybe since you've come here. Maybe even when I was in hospital, or when I was in the coma, on the train. Maybe you've always been on my mind, even if only as a faint image. I don't know, but I do know that I haven't been able to get you off of it; furthermore, I don't want to get you off of it. I don't want you to be waiting for me whilst I'm out with Luca, or whilst I'm out with anyone. I don't want to hurt you like that. I don't want to hurt me like that."
Dylan ogled her.
"Pinch me, Bren," he said.
"Why?" she asked.
"I've had this dream for months," he said. "Pinch me so I know it's just another disappointing dream."
"It isn't." Brenda framed Dylan's face with her hands. "Dylan Michael McKay, I'm in love with you. I don't just think I'm in love with you; I know for a fact, without any hesitation or uncertainty that I am in love with you. I've searched through the passages in my novels, and I didn't find a single one that accurately conveys how fervid my love is for you. Maybe that's where your poets come in handy. I guess what I'm saying is if your offer of an engagement is still on the table, I think I'm going to accept. On one condition."
Dylan's breaths fell against Brenda's palms. His eyes filled with a combination of desire and perhaps terror that Brenda would change her mind or that her entire declaration had been a trick.
"What's that?" he asked, timidly.
"That if we do marry before she's born, we'll elope. Because if we're going to go all out with a wedding, I want her to be part of it."
Dylan abruptly stood from the sofa and brought Brenda up with him to squish her against him.
"I thought we were supposed to kiss now," she said.
"You were just out with another guy," said Dylan. "If this is going to be our last first kiss, it can't happen right after you were out with him."
"This isn't going to be easy," said Brenda. "You've seen my bad days, and you still haven't seen the full extent of them. I could be like this for the next decade. I could be like this for longer than that. This might be permanent. I might never be able to fully control myself. Baja may be all I know, and I barely know that."
"I don't need easy," said Dylan. "I don't want easy. I want you, however you are, however you feel, with whatever memories you do or don't have. We'll make plenty more. We can recreate the ones we had; only they'll be much better, because our family can be in on them. When you need me to, I'll take care of you, even on the worst of your bad days."
"As long as you let me take care of you, too. And not just when you're violently ill with the flu."
"We're really doing this?" Dylan pinned Brenda to him. "We're really back together?"
"If it's what you still want."
"It's absolutely what I still want." Dylan stroked Brenda's elbow. "It's all I'll want for the rest of eternity."
"Should we wait a couple of days before telling everyone and making it official? Just so it doesn't seem like I jumped straight from Luca to you? Even though that is basically what I did?"
Brenda wanted Brandon and Valerie to be the first to know, and she certainly didn't want to tell them over the phone or computer.
"Wait a couple of days to kiss you? To be with you?" Dylan spread Brenda out on the sofa, which truly wasn't as comfortable as Clare's. "You're killing me, Walsh."
"You've waited this long."
"That I have. Okay, we can wait," said Dylan begrudgingly, "but only if you let me plan another surprise."
"You're reaching your quota on surprises."
"When it comes to you, Brenda, there is no quota on surprises."
"And that, Dylan, is why it is impossible to not love you."
"I thought it was my devilishly handsome looks, irresistible charm, and inquisitive nature."
"That might be part of it."
"You hear that, kiddo?" Dylan knocked against Brenda's stomach as if her stomach had become a door; which, she supposed, it had. "Mommy's no longer with that blue-eyed boyfriend. She's decided she prefers brown eyes, very brown eyes. Some might even call it soulful."
"Is Daddy attempting to describe his eyes right now?" Brenda teased. "Such a writer."
"Point is, kid, your parents are back together. Mummy's back in Daddy's arms, and she's staying put."
"You're gonna get her all riled up. She's probably already surfing a sugar wave."
"Pretty sure I'm surfing that same wave. Being with my girls, knowing you're both here to stay; this is a new kind of high, Bren."
"Should I call your sponsor?"
"This is a high he'd approve of, Mrs. McKay."
"Mrs. McKay?"
"We're more or less engaged, so might be a good time to start trying out your new name."
"I could be Mrs. Walsh-McKay. Or Mrs. McKay-Walsh."
"As long as my ring is on your finger and your name is near mine on that certificate, it doesn't matter how you style your name."
"Mrs. McKay. I like Mrs. McKay."
"Mrs. Brenda Analiese McKay. Do we have to wait to see if Jim will drop the case?"
"Why?"
"Because if Bran and Val were around, I'd make you Mrs. Brenda Analiese McKay right this second. But since they aren't, I guess this will have to do." Dylan ducked his head under Brenda's dress.
"Dylan!" she giggled.
"You're my woman and my baby's head is right here," Dylan said as he pulled down Brenda's maternity panties and directly kissed her pelvis. "No more kissing through your clothing, Bren. I'm going straight for your skin."
"We're coming up on week thirty-seven," said Brenda. "You might not be able to do that for too much longer."
"Who says you have to be pregnant for me to kiss your pelvis?" asked Dylan as his tongue darted across Brenda's legs. "Besides, with the way we love on each other, I'll be shocked if this pregnancy is our last."
Brenda groaned. Pleasure overtook her body, to the point that she couldn't think of a retort.
"I think I'm going to like being married to you," she said.
"Oh, I know we're going to love being married to each other," said Dylan. "And here's my condition. This can't be something we do only until the court decides you're good without a guardian. You can't marry me if you're already contemplating getting out of it in the future."
"You mean like divorce?"
Dylan showed zero sign of amusement.
"Baby, I won't go into this marriage thinking of divorcing you later on," said Brenda as she caressed Dylan's face.
"I just don't want our daughter to ever feel like she wasn't enough for us to stay married."
"Is that how you felt when your parents split?"
"We would never have as bad a split as theirs. We aren't splitting, ever again."
"I take it we won't be leaving each other for Italian men or women?" Brenda tried to lighten the mood. "They do make excellent food. You can't go wrong with Italian food."
"Then we'll hire someone to cook for us."
"I want to do the cooking. From scratch."
"We'll hire someone to teach you how to make every dish you wanna make."
"Italian women are beautiful."
"So are Italian men."
"That's true; they are." Brenda pretended to fiddle with the idea.
"We'll leave the Italians for her to date," said Dylan. "German, Brit, Aussie, American, any nationality that draws her ear; even a Wisconsinite, if that's what she wants."
"This sounds like a pattern of some kind…"
"I'm just saying. You and I are only allowed one American each."
"I'll take David; you get Donna."
"I knew you were crushing on Silver," Dylan played along.
"Don't tell Val," said Brenda angelically.
"I'll steal Clare from Steve. Donna's not really my type."
"Good luck with that. Steve's constantly around Clare."
"Actually, I prefer Minnesotans, and you obviously prefer Californians; Southern Californians who surf. We're plenty enough for each other. A queen and her imperfect Prince Consort in our Italian villa. Isn't that right, kiddo?"
The fast-paced movement against Dylan's face and Brenda's skin told Brenda that she had made the right decision indeed.
It was nice to know her decision-making skills were still within her, wherever they had been buried since her accident.
"I never okayed a villa."
"I'm just saying, don't knock it 'til you've tried it."
"Just because I'll be married to a millionaire doesn't mean I have to buy expensive properties."
"If I find a reasonably priced villa, will you consider it?"
"How are you going to find a reasonably priced villa?"
"I have my ways."
"Just don't buy me a mega pricey ring."
"It's either you get a mega pricey ring, or I spoil our children rotten."
"Child."
"Isn't that what I said?"
Dylan could act innocent; that didn't make him innocent.
Brenda knew what she had heard.
"At least wait until her head's fully descended before talking about a second."
"It's pretty incredible, isn't it? The melodies of our hearts mixed together to make her."
"Dylan." Brenda gawped.
"What?" He urgently sat up. "Her head's descended? I didn't notice your water break, but they did say it doesn't have to break for you to be in labor."
"It's not that. Baby, I've got it. I know what we should name her."
Dylan cuddled Brenda against him as he agreed that the name she had chosen would fit quite nicely.
Then Brenda allowed Dylan to pick their daughter's middle name, until Brenda believed that there couldn't have been a more perfect one for her little girl.
Their little girl.
The tiny being that, even before her birth, had achieved the quest children of divorced parents could only hope for.
She had brought hers back together.
And as she sat with Dylan discussing their future, Brenda thought she noticed the waltz of the stars.
With perhaps their family of three amongst them.
Brenda had her family together.
She would take every possible opportunity to keep her family together.
The court required her to have a guardian, one of blood relation. Dylan, though in her blood, was not of her blood.
But as his wife, Brenda would be able to defy the court and stick by Dylan's side.
Dylan had fought for their family.
It was Brenda's turn to do the same.
No living with Jim. No Hong Kong. No burden on Brandon.
Just two newlyweds in love, learning to care for their infant daughter.
That sounded pretty damn perfect to her.
-x
I anticipate this will be my only chapter in August, as I start my holidays this coming weekend and will be gone until September. 28 took a bit to formulate; hopefully 29 won't, when I return.
Sources: Google and the website for BabyCenter.
(Shout-out to KJ and DLB to express my continued gratitude and appreciation, as well as those of you whose review I could respond to directly. KJ, Dylan certainly has been through an awful lot! DLB, I'm trying to make sure I keep vidding other things, too, even though it's tempting to vid a plethora of BD! Thank you to you also, Guest. I don't mind Matt that much, but I fully blame Daniel Cosgrove for that. The other two...we aren't on good terms.)
Thanks a million! x