She had accurately anticipated parenting would be difficult.
What she hadn't anticipated was that it would be less difficult than she had expected.
Were her screams to return, they would not have drowned out her daughter's cries, for Aria's every cry served as a needle thrust into Brenda's soul.
When Brenda cried, Aria cried, and when Aria cried, Brenda cried.
Dylan and Brandon had experienced a hell of a time trying to bring a smile to Brenda's face, and in turn Aria's, when Valerie left Finland with David and Clare followed suit with Steve shortly after.
Clare's was to be a short visit, they reminded Brenda.
And she could still speak to Valerie by phone, Kelly had thrown in.
"I don't know what's come over me," Brenda had said as she had taken comfort in Dylan. "I really thought I was ready for her to leave."
"You got used to having her around," said Dylan, "and the last time she wasn't, you understandably worried over her a lot. It's probably still too fresh."
"It is, but I shouldn't break down over it," said Brenda. "Aria doesn't like it when I cry."
"Aria takes after her Daddy that way," said Dylan.
"Valerie. David. Steve. Clare. Donna. They're all gone," said Brenda as she had lightly wiped Aria's nose. "All of them."
"I'm here," said Dylan.
"So am I," said Brandon.
"And me," said Kelly. "You know what Clare said. She'll be back soon enough."
"You all said Val would be back soon enough, and she almost missed Aria's birth," Brenda had pointed out.
"Pretty sure Clare isn't gonna get thrown in jail," said Brandon. "Silver said they'd call us as soon as they land."
"Clare told us that, too," said Kelly.
"Aria misses them already," said Brenda.
"Aria, or her mommy?" Dylan had asked.
"Both," Brenda had said.
"Maybe Kel and I should postpone our trip," said Brandon.
Brenda had negated the suggestion.
"It's a lot of change for you all at once, us all being gone," said Brandon.
"Yeah, Bren, your brother and I have plenty of time to travel," said Kelly. "If you need us to be here, then we'll postpone."
"Brandon's done plenty for me," said Brenda. "He deserves some time away and Kel, you've been looking forward to your trip."
"I've been looking forward to finding out where Brandon has in mind for it, since he refuses to tell me," said Kelly.
"Oh, does he now?" Brenda had glanced pointedly at her husband.
"I don't know what you mean," Dylan had said with an unconvincing whistle.
"No wonder you're best friends," Brenda had said to both men.
"We're not," said Brandon.
Dylan had attempted, and failed, to conceal his bewilderment.
"We're brothers," said Brandon. "Last I checked, that far surpasses best friend."
"Then Dylan can be my best friend," said Brenda.
"That's good, 'cause I kinda sorta thought I already was." Dylan had nuzzled Brenda's face, as Aria had chosen to press her head against Dylan's hand.
"Well, if we aren't postponing," said Brandon, "then we should get to packing, Kel."
"Maybe we should wait," Kelly's brow had wrinkled as she had eyed Brenda.
"Kel, I forbid you and Brandon from waiting," said Brenda.
"You forbid us?" Brandon's voice had held a touch of humor, combined with an unspoken question of Brenda's gall.
"Bran, how much of this trip is about work?" asked Brenda.
"Uh, twenty?" Brandon had estimated.
"Kelly," said Brenda, "when's the last time you went on a trip with my brother that was twenty percent about his work and zero percent about either of your families?"
"That's a good question." Kelly had scrutinized Brandon.
"Don't answer too quickly," said Brandon.
The amount of time Kelly had taken to answer Brenda's question had been the deciding factor, leaving the McKay spouses alone with their daughter, his sister, and only their parents to check on them in accordance with the court's stipulation on Brandon's trip.
"I hate this," Brenda told her sister-in-law. "I hate that my brother has to get his trips approved by a fucking Judge. I hate that he's had to pause his life for me."
"And the fact that Brandon chose to do all of that makes no difference?" asked Erica as she helped Brenda fold a load of laundry.
"He wouldn't've needed to choose to do it if I hadn't had a meltdown in court," said Brenda.
"Dylan told me how awful it was for you in there," said Erica. "If I had been getting those kinds of questions thrown at me in my present state, I would've melted down way faster than you did. And you were dealing with them when you were almost nine months along!"
"No, you wouldn't," said Brenda. "Because you're strong."
"Bren, you're the strongest woman I know."
"If I was strong, Brandon could go on trips without checking with the court first," said Brenda.
"Bren, in the past seven months, you've had brain surgery, cardiac trouble, you just barely escaped a burning bus, you had to go to court, your sister went to prison, you gave birth to my darling niece, you're taking care of a one-month old and her messed-up aunt," said Erica. "Anyone else would have tumbled months ago and called it quits, but not you. After all of that, you're still standing. I never want to hear you say you aren't strong again. No matter what completely wrong perception of you the fucking court has."
"You aren't messed-up," said Brenda.
"That's what you heard?" asked Erica.
"I heard all of it," said Brenda. "Thank you, Erica."
"What are sisters-in-law-slash-surrogate-daughters for?" asked Erica.
"You and your brother are so much alike," said Brenda.
"Please," said Erica. "I'm way cooler."
Discuss Dylan McKay and he doth appear, thought Brenda, with a baby's head securely tucked under his chin.
"I'll take her." Brenda held out her arms. "Who's Mommy's darling girl?" she asked in a slightly higher-pitched tone than she usually used. "You are!" she answered.
Aria gave a smile that Brenda thought may have been a laugh, had Aria been a bit older.
"I was thinking," said Dylan as he brought his arm around Brenda's shoulders, "weather's perfect."
"Waves are, too," said Erica.
"Stole that line right out from under me," said Dylan.
"Sorry," said Erica, who didn't sound apologetic in the least.
Dylan scrunched his face up at her.
"Beach day?" asked Brenda.
"The doctor did say you could go for a swim when you were four weeks postpartum, and our Aria -"
"- is a month old tomorrow," said Brenda. "Which also means -"
"- which means happy one-month anniversary, wife," said Dylan as he kissed into Brenda's hair.
"Do people celebrate one-month anniversaries?" she asked.
"We do," he said. "So you up for it? Beach day with the girls?"
"This 'girl' could easily aunt-sit your daughter while you two grab some time to yourself, you know," said Erica, complete with air quotes. "We redheads know all about sun protection like Aria here needs."
"You don't have to watch her," said Brenda. "Dylan said you're pretty good at surfing yourself."
"Pretty good?" Erica scoffed. "Put it this way: if me and Dyl entered into a pro comp, he'd be coughing up my waves."
"Oh, you wish," said Dylan.
"Then it's settled," said Brenda. "We'll all go to the beach and Aria can watch her Daddy cough up her aunt's waves."
"I feel ganged up on," said Dylan.
"I love you," said Brenda sweetly.
"Yeah, yeah," said Dylan. "Well, I guess if Bren's going to watch me surf against Erica, then Bren wants to postpone her next surfing lesson."
"Wait, what?" asked Brenda. "Are you serious?"
"We can't do too much of it yet," said Dylan, "but I think getting you out on the board shouldn't be a problem, and it's a perfect day to try it out."
Brenda squealed.
"Aria!" she said. "Mummy gets to surf!"
"Just a little," said Dylan. "We'll see how you do. But no standing until I tell you, Bren. I mean it. You stand on the board and class is over."
"Understood," said Brenda, as a second, smaller squeal escaped her.
"You'll be the next one I teach," Dylan said to Aria, "but we've still got a bit yet 'til I can put you on a board."
"Except," Brenda thought for a moment and then walked out of the room, still holding Aria.
"What just happened?" she heard Dylan ask Erica.
"Beats me," said Erica.
Brenda wasn't alone with Aria in the nursery for long before Dylan had caught up with them.
"She can't be on her board yet," Brenda told him, "but she can still explore it."
She turned slightly to show Dylan how Aria's closed fist grazed over her own surfboard, her half-lidded eyes examining its craftsmanship.
"Hang on." Dylan fumbled through Aria's closet. "Just hang on, one second."
"Me, or Aria?" asked Brenda.
"Both of you," said Dylan, producing a video camera.
"Where did that come from?" asked Brenda.
"It's one of Silver's," said Dylan. "He said we might be able to use it. I didn't think so, but if our daughter's seeing her first board, then…" His voice faded out as he tinkered with the camera.
"Do you know how to use it?"
"If Silver knows how to use it, it can't be that hard."
Dylan managed to figure out the video camera and film a tiny amount of footage before Aria became enraptured with the room's ceiling fan.
"I'm telling you," Dylan rewound the footage as he showed Brenda, "our girl's gonna go pro."
"Our girl's watching the ceiling fan as if it's the most fascinating thing in the world," said Brenda.
"If you think about it, it kind of is," said Dylan.
"I thought surfing was the most fascinating thing in the world to you," said Brenda.
"Surfing's the third most fascinating thing in the world," said Dylan. "Aria, sweetheart, you might wanna close your eyes, 'cause I'm about to kiss your Mommy."
"Oh you are, are you?" Brenda smiled, watching Aria's eyes close as if she had understood Dylan's warning.
"Repeatedly," said Dylan, true to his word.
Brenda's uneasiness came not from feeling the board underneath her, on top of the waves; nor from Dylan's close position, but from her desire to relocate her daughter every five seconds.
It wasn't difficult. Erica had picked a spot and stayed there, reading a book to Aria under an overlarge, colorful beach umbrella.
Dylan stroked Brenda's hair.
"We don't have to do this now, babe," he said. "We can wait."
"Huh?" Brenda angled her head towards him.
"I was instructing you on where to hold the board, but I see you're distracted," said Dylan, carrying nothing but a loving tone.
"Erica's really good with her," said Brenda. "I just -"
"Feel empty when you aren't near her?" asked Dylan.
"Exactly," said Brenda. "Like every time I see Alina, Aria's gonna think I left her. Do you feel like that?"
"Of course," said Dylan. "I feel empty when I'm not near either of you." He kissed down Brenda's back. "But separation is part of life, baby. The three of us can't be together all of the time. It'll get easier."
"Will it?"
"It'll have to, because Aria and I aren't gonna be the obstacle blocking you from your dream."
"But you're my dream. Aria's my dream. This, right here, is my dream."
"It's one of your dreams. You have plenty more. You know you do, and we're gonna make sure they come to fruition. My wife's gonna get everything she's ever wished for, and then some, because she's given me everything I've ever wished for, and then some." Dylan laced his elbows against the board. "Should we put an intermission on class?"
Intermission was tempting, but Dylan was correct.
Brenda did have other dreams. She did want to learn to surf. She did want her acting career.
She couldn't constantly bring her family along to auditions, although that idea was also tempting.
"I'm on a board," she said. "Teach me what to do."
"You might end up being a pro yourself," Erica commented at dinner, with Brenda laughing off the suggestion.
"Wasn't she so good?" said Dylan as he dished out his plate of Brenda's latest speciality: carbonara.
"I only moved my arms through the water like you told me to," said Brenda.
"You kept steady on the board and you're building your arm muscles," said Erica. "It's a solid start."
"She builds up her arm muscles every time she holds Aria," said Dylan.
"I do; don't I?" said Brenda.
"Plenty of arm muscle," Dylan said. "Sexy arm muscle," he added as he kissed her.
Erica groaned.
"Not at the dinner table, dude, c'mon!" she said.
"You didn't have to live with the newlyweds," said Dylan. "And I can still change my mind about it."
"Yeah, but you won't," said Erica.
Their argument was interrupted by a slew of calls.
First, from Brandon and Kelly, who told the McKays all about their overnight ferry.
Next, from Donna, who held up the phone for greetings from Steve, Clare, and D'Shawn Hardell.
Then, from David and Valerie, a call between four that became a call between two when the women asked for a moment to catch up alone.
"Have you had any luck getting hold of those papers?" asked Brenda.
"We might have a lead," said Valerie. "The PI we hired thinks they're in a safe deposit box in Mississauga."
Brenda asked where Mississauga was.
"Canada," said Val.
"Isn't that where Abby was when she traumatized my mom?" asked Brenda.
"Not in Mississauga, but yeah, it was Canada," said Val.
"Well, then you gotta go to Mississauga," said Brenda, "and figure out why my mom is so traumatized."
"I thought she was doing better?"
"She mostly is, but then someone mentions something and she clams up. Dylan suggested therapy, but Mom insists she doesn't need it."
"She needs something," said Valerie.
"She does, but Dylan keeps shooting down Iris' hypnotherapy suggestion. What does Dylan have against hypnotherapy?"
"It's a long story."
"I'm listening."
Valerie told Brenda she didn't know the story, only that Dylan had been weird about hypnotherapy ever since he had experienced it himself.
"Is Mr. Harrington making any progress with Curtis' case?" asked Brenda.
"Mr. Harrington?" asked Val. "Why so formal?"
"Because he's a stranger," said Brenda.
"A stranger," echoed Val. "They haven't even set the date for the trial yet, Bren."
"So they're dragging their feet?"
"It can take months to get to a trial, and why do you sound like Dylan?"
"I am married to him," said Brenda. "When are you going to Mississauga?"
As soon as the bank loan came through that they had applied for to purchase a concert venue in their new location, said Val.
"David misses the crowd at the shop and so do I," she continued. "What's Dylan gonna do with it?"
"He's meeting with prospective buyers," said Brenda. "We're keeping the bookshop, of course, but unless you and David plan on moving back here, neither of us see a reason to keep the music shop."
"Maybe Erica could run it," Val suggested.
Brenda hadn't thought of that.
Neither had Dylan, she assumed.
She brought up Val's idea to Dylan, who immediately ran to mention it to Erica.
"You want me to manage your shop?" asked Erica.
"If you're up for the challenge," said Dylan.
"Fu -" Erica noticed Brenda standing in the hallway with Aria, "hell yeah, I'm up for it." She rolled up her sleeves. "First things first, I'm changing the wall color."
"Hey," said Dylan. "I chose that wall color myself."
"Believe me," said Erica, "if you and my sis want a decent-sized crowd of customers, we're changing that wall color."
Brenda told Erica that she could paint the wall whatever color she chose.
"Just don't change it back to what it was," said Brenda.
"What was it?" asked Erica.
"Bren described it as putrid green," said Dylan.
"Definitely not gonna be putrid green," said Erica.
Aria chose that moment to reveal to her parents a worse color than putrid green.
Brenda much preferred the far lovelier shade of green that clung to the wooden door of the building Dylan had brought them to that he said was an anniversary present for Brenda.
"Do people give one-month anniversary presents?" asked Brenda.
"I do," said Dylan. "Bren, there's something I want to talk to you about."
Brenda unbuckled Aria from her stroller.
"This sounds bad," she said. "Is it bad?"
"You think I'd tell you something bad?" asked Dylan.
"Life is just too great right now," said Brenda. "The coat could drop at any minute."
"The what?" asked Dylan.
"The coat. It drops, at any minute."
"The shoe, baby," Dylan said gently.
"The shoe," said Brenda. "The shoe could drop."
"The shoe ain't dropping," said Dylan. "Look, Bren, I want you to tell me if you're missing your job, and I want you to be completely honest with me about it."
"I'm not," said Brenda. "I don't miss it at all."
"Honest," said Dylan. "Completely honest."
Brenda moved her teeth over her lip.
"A lot," she said. "I miss it a lot. But I - I don't have to go back yet."
"We said you would act," said Dylan, "and I would write."
"Yes, but I don't have to go back to acting right away, not when Aria's this little."
"That's why I've thought about this, Bren. Thought really hard about it."
"Thought really hard about what?"
"I didn't have a good relationship with my dad," said Dylan. "You know that. I rarely saw him and well, with writing, I get a little more flexibility than he did. A lot more flexibility than he did. Acting, you don't get a lot of flexibility with acting, and we aren't having a nanny take Aria to see her mommy's first movie."
"So no nannies?" asked Brenda.
"If my career takes off on top of yours taking off - which I know yours will do - then we can discuss nannies or daycare," said Dylan. "But for now, so you can go after the career you deserve, I want to stay at home with Aria. Are you alright with that?"
"You want to be a stay-at-home dad?" asked Brenda.
"I want to be a stay-at-home dad," said Dylan.
"And this is really what you want?" she pried.
"It's really what I want," he said.
"Then it's what I want, too," said Brenda. "Dylan?" she asked.
"Yeah?"
"What do you have against hypnotherapy?"
"Bren," Dylan became uneasy, "the - the night you ran off, when - when Clare and Kai found you, I - I said -"
Brenda recalled it then.
I underwent dream hypnotherapy when you moved to London and came out of it thinking Kel and I had been married in another life.
"Oh." Brenda looked at Aria. "I had forgotten. You don't want Mom to undergo hypnotherapy because you think she'll see a past life without Dad?"
"I think she'll see things that will make her believe shit that ain't true, and it'll affect her decisions from there," said Dylan.
"Is that what happened with you?"
"Baby, a past life without you and Aria isn't a past life I want to acknowledge," said Dylan. "And the choices I made in response to it nearly destroyed everything your brother and I had built up."
"It wasn't hypnotherapy's fault," said Brenda.
"I suppose not," said Dylan.
"It might help my Mom."
"We'll keep looking at other options first."
It seemed a nice compromise, so Brenda agreed.
Their kiss was abruptly cut off by a whinny and an apology.
"Sorry we're late," said the heavily-accented woman who gave a set of reins to Dylan.
Brenda looked at him questioningly.
"I've been talking with my therapist," he said. "And your therapist. And Alina. I told them about your grandparents' stables."
"I've been thinking of them lately," said Brenda. "My grandparents' stables. I thought of them a lot when I was in labor, to try to distract myself from worrying that Aria was stuck."
"You worried she was stuck?" asked Dylan. "You never said."
"I didn't want to worry you," said Brenda.
"Anytime you worry," said Dylan, "please worry me so that I can make things less stressful for you."
"Okay, I'll try," said Brenda.
Dylan led the horse in Brenda's direction.
"There's studies being done," he said. "Lots of studies, about how horses help trauma patients. Studies going back all the way to the ancient Greeks."
"Hippocrates," said Brenda.
Dylan appeared pleased.
"'Riding's healing rhythm,'" he said. "You can't ride yet, but I figured we could try this out, see how much old London here can help the both of us."
"His name's London?" asked Brenda as her hand cut through the air, stopping as if she instinctively knew to give a horse a chance to allow one near.
Perhaps she had known, Brenda thought.
"Yeah, this here's our London," said Dylan. "When they told me his name, I knew he belonged with us."
"We bought a horse?" asked Brenda.
"We bought a horse," said Dylan, "so that we can both get to the point where taking care of a dog and a baby isn't overwhelming. London's gonna help me with the K2 memories and you…"
"With my lack of them," said Brenda. "We're getting a dog?"
"Eventually," said Dylan. "We're getting a dog, eventually. Aria can have a playmate, the way I did. The way you did."
"A dog," said Brenda with wonderment.
London sniffed at her hand. Brenda showed Aria how to softly stroke a horse's mane.
"See?" Dylan said in a tone just above a whisper. "I didn't have to teach you how to approach a horse. You just knew."
"I'm sure someone taught me at some point," said Brenda.
"Actually," said Dylan, "if I may make one small correction?"
Brenda allowed him to do so.
"Brandon said no one taught you," said Dylan, feeding London slices of apple. He ran his hand over London's muzzle. "You figured it out on your own, just like you figured it out on your own now."
Brenda would have been unable to speak, if she hadn't seen the way Aria watched the horse like he was her beloved ceiling fan.
"Did you bring the camera?" asked Brenda.
"Every and any camera we own," said Dylan.
"Good, 'cause Aria's looking at her first horse."
"I'm on it," said Dylan as he brought out the video camera and began filming.
When Brenda insisted that Dylan take Aria and give Brenda the camera, Dylan was none too keen on the idea.
"I don't do cameras," he said.
"You've taken pictures with me," said Brenda.
"Video cameras," said Dylan. "I don't do video cameras, unless I'm the one behind the camera."
"We're preserving a memory," said Brenda. "A memory Aria can watch for a long, long time."
Dylan gave Brenda the camera and then carried Aria over to a table full of saddles.
"One day, you're gonna use one of these," he told her, smiling at the camera, "but first, Mama's gonna get back in the saddle."
"How soon can I get back in the saddle?" asked Brenda, lowering the camera.
"Depends which saddle you're talkin' about." Dylan winked.
"You know very well which saddle I'm talking about in front of our impressionable, tiny daughter, Dylan McKay," said Brenda.
"The answer to your question, Brenda McKay," said Dylan, "is one saddle, you can hop on tonight. The other, you still gotta wait. Considering I already told you you can't ride yet, which saddle do you think I think you're talkin' about?"
Needless to say, when they arrived home, Brenda couldn't have been more grateful when Erica offered to take herself and Aria over to Iris' cottage.
"Now," Dylan tucked his lips into Brenda's collarbone as he climbed into their bed, "remind me where we left off?"
"I don't think we can start where we left off," said Brenda with an unrestrained sigh of contentment.
"Then we better take it from the top," said Dylan.
So they did, Brenda practicing her horseback riding skills until Dylan flipped her around to practice his.
"Have I told my wife lately how much of a smokeshow she is?" asked Dylan.
"You have, but it doesn't hurt to hear it again," said Brenda.
"There's not a person on this Earth experiencing the kind of pyrotechnical magnificence I'm experiencing right now," said Dylan. "Don't ya feel that, Bren? Who else knocks a planet off its axis the way we do?"
Well, Brenda contemplated as she became lost in Dylan's lips and in his body, she could think of a few.
xx
She rolled over, watching the way the sweat clung to him as it clung to her.
"God," he said, fighting to catch his breath. "We still got it."
"You say that every time," she said, drawing her hand down his hairy chest.
"That's cause it's true," he said, capturing her tongue.
Clare stretched her arm out over Steve to check on the alarm clock. "What time are we meeting your parents?" she asked.
"Eight," said Steve. "Nothing good can be said that early."
"Plenty of good can be said that early," said Clare.
"Not in my family," said Steve. "Thanks for coming with me, Honeycakes."
"As if I would let you go alone," said Clare. "We're in each other's lives, so that means my dad is in yours and your family's in mine, doesn't it?"
"I guess so," said Steve. "But they better not give us any bad news, because I'm not staying here any longer than we have to."
"Why not?" asked Clare. "You love California."
"I love you, our niece, and her parents way more," said Steve, "and I don't want to be separate from any of you."
"Who says you have to be separate from me?" asked Clare.
"If this news involves me having to stay, you'll have to leave and it'll be a forced separation between us," said Steve. "We'd be no good with a LDR. It's why we broke up in the first place."
"Let's cross that bridge when we come to it," said Clare. "If we come to it. For now, how about I give my big, handsome, strong man a second helping?"
"Second," said Steve, "third, fourth, maybe a fifth…"
She thought Samantha Sanders could see right through her, the way Samantha discreetly asked how Steve's and Clare's stay had been in their hotel room.
"You're more than welcome to stay with me," said Samantha.
Steve choked on his juice.
Clare clapped at his back.
"Why are you saying we can stay with you?" asked Steve suspiciously once he had regained his voice.
"Why wouldn't I say it?" asked Samantha.
"Because you never ask me to stay with you," said Steve. "Alright. What is it?"
"What is what?" asked Samantha, fluffing up her hair.
She brushed something unseen off of her bright red blazer, which Clare decided perfectly matched Samantha's lipstick.
"You and Dad want to talk to me," said Steve. "Together. The last time you wanted to talk to me together, Dad announced his last divorce. Oh God," Steve set down his napkin, "please tell me one of you isn't getting married again."
"Don't be ridiculous," said Samantha. "I have absolutely no intention of remarrying anyone."
"Then you're dying?" asked Steve, and his tone somersaulted to the other end of the voice spectrum.
Clare scooted closer to Steve.
"I can't lose another mother," said Steve.
"You aren't."
Clare followed the voice to the figures of Ryan Sanders and his brother Austin, both of whom appeared significantly older than when she had last seen them.
"Clare." Ryan went in for a hug that Clare gladly returned. "I was so glad to hear you gave my stupid brother another chance."
"Stupid brother?" asked Steve. "Um, hello? You're acting like I broke up with Clare."
"If a babe asks you to go with her to Paris, you tell her you'll be on the next flight," said the ponytailed Austin Sanders. "And then you ask her if she knows how to fuck like a French gir -"
"Austin Sanders!"
"I didn't say it!" said Austin. "It was all Ryan."
"Ryan's voice, but your lips? Interesting," said the well-dressed woman. "Hello, Steve."
"Now Elise is here?" asked Steve.
"Is that any way to greet your ex-stepmother?" asked who Clare deduced was the flying monkeys' mother, Elise.
"You know I'm normally happy to see you," said Steve, "but if you've agreed to have breakfast with both of my parents, then this is definitely not good news."
It was as far from good news as one could get. Clare, and she expected Steve, had certainly not seen that news coming.
"Cancer?" asked Steve, swallowing down his juice. "What - what kind?"
"AML leukemia," said Rush. "Acute Myeloid. I'd like to say the doctors are hopeful, but truthfully, kiddo, it's not looking good."
"Leu - leukemia?" asked Steve. "I thought - I thought only kids get leukemia."
"Anyone can get it," said Austin.
"Dad's would start in the bone marrow," said Ryan.
"And spread to other parts of the body, like my spine," said Rush.
Clare couldn't imagine a formidable man like Rush Sanders, being invaded by cancerous blood cells.
"How long do you have?" asked Steve.
Clare took Steve's quavering hand in her own and danced the tips of her fingers over his fingers.
Steve held on tightly.
"Six months," said Rush. "A year, tops."
"Six months to a year," said Steve.
"Elise and I have been discussing it," said Samantha, "and we think, for your father's sake, it would be a good idea for us to all come together as a family. All of us."
"The boys and I will be moving back, for the time being," said Elise.
"You are planning to fight this; aren't you, Dad?" asked Steve.
"Oh sonny boy," said Rush, "you think your old man would take any doctor at his word? I get the dice adjusted just so and I can still squeeze out five years. Maybe four."
Clare watched the cogs turn in Steve's brain. She knew then that he had already made up his mind.
He would move back to California, for as long as Rush needed him to be there.
The team needed Clare back in Finland, to keep working on a solution for Brenda.
Could Steve and Clare survive a long-distance relationship?
None of their group had ever tried to follow through on one before.
Not even Brandon and Kelly, who had chosen to split rather than see how a man living in Washington, D.C. and a woman living in Los Angeles could make it work.
Could the love of a man in LA and a woman in Finland be enough?
"It'll have to be," said Val when Clare confided in her that evening, only after Steve had confided in Valerie himself. "Unless you and Steve want to break up again."
"That's the last thing either of us wants," said Clare, "but -"
"But you don't trust Steve?" asked Val.
"I do trust him," said Clare.
"Then you don't trust yourself?"
"That's not it."
"So if you trust Steve and you trust yourself away from Steve, what's the problem?"
"I just don't know if Steve will be so willing to try an LDR," said Clare.
"You won't know until you ask him," said Val.
Kelly said the same, when Donna came over and suggested they speak with Kelly.
"Would you do it?" asked Clare. "If it were Brandon? Would you do an LDR?"
"Not doing an LDR cost me months without him," said Kelly. "Do you really want to be without Steve again?"
Clare didn't want that, but she feared that was exactly what would happen.
"Talk to me," said Steve during another one of their rounds.
"About what?" asked Clare.
"Dunno," said Steve. "But you've been really quiet ever since we spoke with my parents."
"I'm just not ready to say goodbye to you again," said Clare.
Steve sat up, pulling Clare up with him as they remained attached.
"What are you talking about?" he asked.
"You have to be here," said Clare. "I have to be there."
"You can visit," said Steve.
"Not often enough," said Clare.
"Maybe we can talk to a lab out here," said Steve. "Tell them about Brenda and see if you can continue your research here."
"What if I can't?" asked Clare.
Steve separated himself from her.
"What are you saying?" he asked, attempting to appear more detached than Clare knew he was. "You want to break up? Again?"
"That's exactly what I don't want," said Clare. "But you said it yourself. You think we'd be no good with an LDR. If we try one, we'll only start fighting over missed calls and that'll lead us back to another breakup."
"Clare," said Steve, "I didn't start dating you again on a whim, okay? I love you. You hear me, Babykins? I. Love. You. Putting an ocean between us won't change that."
"I love you, too, but -"
"Clare, if we have to be separated, then we aren't just giving up on this. Not again. Forget what I said. If there's a chance we can still be together, then we're doing a LDR." Steve caressed Clare's neck with both of his palms. "Unless you're worried I'd cheat on you?"
"I'm not worried about that."
"Unless you think you'll cheat on me?"
"Don't be daft," said Clare, her previously punctured walls instantly trying to climb back up, "I wouldn't do that."
"No," said Steve, "what you would do is shut me out to avoid you getting hurt, just like you did last time, and I'm not letting you do that again."
"I don't want to do it again," said Clare.
"Then quit obsessing over it and let's go check out the jacuzzi tub," said Steve.
"We're meeting your parents again in an hour," said Clare.
"We'll make it a quick bath," said Steve.
He did effectively distract Clare, temporarily, but her mind wandered to the other side of the world, and when - or if - Steve Sanders would return to it.
If they would make it until he did.
xx
The view was spectacular.
He couldn't decide which view was more spectacular: the city surrounded by water, or the woman who stood comfortably in his arms.
It was a nice distraction in any case, from the phone call they had received that he knew weighed on both of their minds.
"So, what do you think for our first trip away?" asked Brandon as he popped his nose into Kelly's hair. "It wasn't where I had planned to take you, but -"
"It's perfect," said Kelly. "You're perfect. Everything is perfect. Well," she faltered, "not everything."
"Steve," he said knowingly.
"I just can't imagine Rush being ill like that," said Kelly. "Out of all of our parents, Rush is the weirdest one to think of."
"I'll understand," said Brandon.
"You'll understand what?" asked Kelly.
"If you need to go back to LA for a bit to be there for Steve," said Brandon. "I'll understand. I would if I could, but -"
"But we both know the Judge isn't gonna agree to you being that far from Brenda for an indeterminate amount of time," said Kelly. "If I go out there, Steve will only tell me I should've stayed with you. And I'll be miserable without you, anyway, so I'll be no good for Steve."
"You and Dylan have known Steve longer than any of us, and neither of you can be there for him?" said Brandon. "That seems wrong, Kel."
"You're forgetting someone," said Kelly.
"Forgetting who?" asked Brandon.
"Forgetting the other member of our kindergarten class," said Kelly.
"Donna," said Brandon.
"Yes, Donna," said Kelly. "Don's there. She'll be there for Steve, and the rest of us can be there by phone."
"It isn't fair," said Brandon. "Your amnesia. Bren's amnesia. Bren's damaged heart. Curtis' sentence. Rush's cancer. It isn't fucking fair!"
"You know life rarely is," said Kelly. "But I know one thing."
"What's that?" asked Brandon.
"Through all the bad, and there have been some truly awful, there's still been a lot of terrific."
"Aria," said Brandon.
"Aria," said Kelly, "my brother actually being legitimately happy, for once -"
"The same way my sister is," said Brandon. "The same way -"
"The same way we are," said Kelly.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Brandon.
"Which way to the hotel?" asked Kelly.
Brandon hopped onto the double bicycle rental, Kelly taking the seat behind him.
"I could live here," said Kelly.
"You could?" asked Brandon.
"Couldn't you?"
"Sure I could, but I figured you wouldn't want to live in Europe forever. I mean, Donna, your family; they're all back in LA."
"And your family is in Finland," said Kelly.
"For now," said Brandon.
They biked around a corner, passing old churches, pedaling over old bridges, viewing a plethora of boats anchored in the water that separated Sweden from Finland.
"It's a lot easier to visit LA when you live abroad than it is to visit abroad when you live in LA," said Kelly.
"It's the cheaper flights," said Brandon.
"Brandon, if David's gonna be in Maine, Steve and Nat and Donna are in LA, your entire family is in Finland, then we have to be somewhere I can still visit my brother and you can still visit your sister. Sisters," Kelly corrected herself.
"What about Erin?" asked Brandon.
"Erin?" asked Kelly.
"You didn't mention Erin. She's in LA."
"Did I forget to tell you all about my mother's new glamorous job in Atlanta?"
Brandon weaved through traffic.
"You definitely didn't mention that one," he said.
"Jackie got offered a modeling gig at a prestigious fashion house in Atlanta," said Kelly. "She and Mel decided to move over there."
"California, Maine, and Georgia," said Brandon. "Your family's still over in the US."
"Our family," Kelly corrected, "is spread out all over the globe. The globe which the Taylor-Silver side of our family likes to travel anyway, and in fact, Europe is probably exactly the kind of home Jackie Taylor had in mind for her daughter."
"That's Jackie," said Brandon. "I'm not asking about what Jackie wants. I'm asking what Kelly, my Kel, wants."
"Equi-distant from all of our siblings, or at least with an easier route to get to them," said Kelly. "That's what will determine where we live. For now -"
"For now, I can't live too far from Bren." Brandon parked the bike near their hotel.
"Which means I can't live too far from Bren." Kelly hopped off. "And there's your mom to consider."
"I really hope whatever Silver and Val find out gives us the answers we need about everything, but especially about my mom," said Brandon.
"Me too," said Kelly. "Cindy is almost as important to me as you are."
"That, baby, is a fantastic answer," said Brandon.
"You know, I've never been to Stockholm before," said Kelly as she slid her arms around Brandon's neck.
"Yes, you said that."
"Which means I've also never done certain things in Stockholm," Kelly hinted. "With anyone."
"Certain things, like rollerblading down the streets of Stockholm?" asked Brandon. "I know you brought your elbow pads."
"I did, but that's not the rollerblading I had in mind," said Kelly.
She grabbed Brandon's head and moved in.
Brandon melted into Kelly, the way he had in every kiss they had shared.
They kept kissing: through the lobby, waiting for the elevator, in the elevator, down the hallway to their room.
Brandon fumbled with the key as he attempted to unlock the door without detaching himself from Kelly.
"I've been thinking," he said against her lips.
"I hope it's the same thing I've been thinking of," said Kelly.
"Kel, hold on." Brandon slightly withdrew, holding Kelly's shoulders. "If we're gonna do this, I want to define where we are in our relationship."
"Alright," said Kelly. "Where do you think we are?"
"Well," Brandon grazed his knuckle over Kelly's bare arm, "I get the feeling that if I asked you to move in with me, permanently, you'd probably say yes."
"Move in with you?" asked Kelly. "With Bren and Aria?"
"You can say his name, you know."
"And Dylan?"
"I was thinking more of our own place," said Brandon. "Nearby. Close enough that I'm sticking within the rules of the guardianship, but somewhat distant enough that we can see what living together completely on our own is like. We haven't done that, you know."
"We did perfect the college dorm life," said Kelly, "although I would've much preferred it if the Val I know now was the Val I shared a house with then."
"No Steve hogging the shower," said Brandon.
"No Val drinking up all the coffee," said Kelly. "I still say she did that on purpose."
"What do ya say, Miss Taylor? Should we start looking for a place entirely of our own when we get back?"
"We should, Mr. Walsh. We absolutely should," said Kelly as she tore at Brandon's collared shirt.
Brandon flung off Kelly's dress.
Kelly threw off Brandon's jeans.
Clothes soared across the room, falling to the carpet as Kelly and Brandon learnt new ways to show their appreciation for each other.
"I love you, Brandon," said Kelly, staring down into his eyes. "I'll love you forever."
"And when forever ends?" Sated for the first time in nearly a year, Brandon played with Kelly's hair.
"Our forever won't end," said Kelly.
"We've said that before," said Brandon.
"And this time, we mean it."
"We have to swear on it."
Kelly held out her pinky.
"I swear I will love you for forever, Brandon Jameson Walsh," she said. "Our forever won't end, because forever doesn't have an end unless you force one."
Brandon held out his own pinky.
"And I swear to love you well beyond the day I die, Kelly Marlene Taylor," said Brandon.
"Don't talk about things like that," said Kelly.
They linked pinkies, then lips. Remained linked with their bodies.
Mostly, however, linked with their hearts.
Much like two different hearts were linked with each other, back across the ocean.
xx
She had become so used to caring for someone that it was difficult to accept she no longer needed to do so.
"Do you hear that?" she asked.
"I don't hear anything," he said.
"A baby's crying."
"Probably in the next apartment."
"What if she needs changing?"
"Then her parents can do it, Val. Relax."
David set down the dish he had been scrubbing.
"You're missing Aria," he noted.
"A lot," said Val. "Way more than I thought I would. Maybe this was a mistake."
"Moving here wasn't a mistake," said David. "You talked to Bren earlier, didn't you? How'd she say Aria was?"
"She said Ari's doing great," said Val. "But she didn't say if Dyl or Bran are making Bren a good cup of tea. You know Bren prefers it when I make her tea."
"You know what this is?" David hooked his arms around Val's chest. "It's separation anxiety," he said.
"I do not have separation anxiety," said Val.
"You lived with the twins for six months," said David. "Experienced multiple medical emergencies with them. I mean, babe, you were there in the tub with Bren when Dylan caught Aria. You're bound to feel weird being away from the Walshes. And yeah, I'm including Dylan in that."
"Brandon doesn't need his tea," said Val. "For one thing, he doesn't drink tea."
"You weren't taking care of Brandon," said David. "You were taking care of Bren, and being this far away from her again is an adjustment. Do you regret coming here?"
Valerie answered honestly that she didn't regret it, though she did somewhat feel like she had chosen one family over another.
"You didn't," said David. "You chose the side of our family that needs you the most and right now, that's your brother."
"We don't know Bren doesn't need me," said Val.
"And if Bren were incarcerated, you'd be there with her, instead," said David.
"You're right." Valerie released an overexaggerated sigh. "Bren's got Dylan, and Brandon, her parents, and even Kel. But Steve -"
"Steve has his entire family," said David.
"He doesn't have any of us," said Val. "Clare aside."
"We didn't all leave California," David reminded her.
"Donna," Val remembered. "He has Donna."
"And Curtis has no one," said David. "No one except us."
"Tom, too," said Val.
"Yes, and Tom," said David in a slightly affectionate tone that vastly differed from what it had been when Tom Miller's name would previously come up. "Will we see Tom?" he asked.
"Tom told me he'll see Curtis, but he won't see me," said Val. "It's all part of how Tom thinks he's helping me."
"I can't say I'm terribly disappointed that my girl won't be seeing her ridiculously attractive ex," said David.
"You think Tom's attractive?" Valerie giggled.
"I think you're attractive," said David. "Super attractive. Hottest woman who's ever existed. And, more to the point," he gathered her waist, "All. Mine."
"If I'm the hottest woman who's ever existed, then it's a good thing I have a super hot boyfriend to match perfectly with," said Val.
Their lips disappeared into each other's, for the fifth time that day.
But Valerie wasn't counting.
Except she was.
She counted every kiss with David, in her own personal countdown that she would never tell David.
"We should probably get back to the investigation," she said.
"I have a better idea," said David. "Most of our focus lately has been on the investigation, and on getting the concert venue. We could use a little break, don't you think?"
"A small break," Val concurred.
"In that case, did you see your gyno yet?" asked David.
"I did."
"And?"
"And the pap went well."
"So did the blood test," said David.
"Yes," said Val, "still negative. But if we do this, David, you're still taking a giant risk."
"I've taken nothing but giant risks since the moment I fell in love with you," said David as he slid off Valerie's robe. "I happen to like it that way."
Valerie's resolve crumbled.
She launched herself at David, tearing at his pajamas until she stood in her lingerie and he scanned her over in only his boxers.
"You really are the most stunning woman I've ever seen, Val," he said.
"I get that a lot," Val joked. "It's the eyes."
"Yeah," said David, "they're a lot like mine."
They didn't make it to the bed.
They didn't make it to the sofa.
David Silver took his girlfriend Valerie Malone, right there on their kitchen island.
Yet, somehow, Valerie thought it was the most comfortable position in the world.
Even when they somehow ended up on the floor.
Which then became the second most comfortable position in the world.
Or it had been, until David lifted Valerie up, secured her legs around his waist, devoured the side of her neck, and carried her outside to the deck chair.
"David," she said, trying to get her bearings, "we live in an apartment."
"I don't see anyone outside," said David. "Do you?"
All Valerie saw was a vast expanse of ocean, beyond rows and rows of well-nourished trees.
"No," she said. "It's just us."
"Then why waste this beautiful day?" asked David as he sat himself and Valerie down on the chair.
"In my wildest dreams, David Silver," said Val when she had taken a moment to breathe, "I never thought life could be like this."
"Stick with me, Val," said David, "and any dream you've ever had; we'll make it a reality."
"Any dream?" asked Val.
There were plenty of dreams she never wanted to make a reality.
"Any good dream," David clarified.
"Don't forget my cat," said Val.
"I won't forget your cat," said David. "Safe to say we still got it?" he asked.
"Actually," said Val, "I don't remember sex with you being half this incredible."
"Maybe because you aren't scared I'll leave, so you can enjoy it more than you ever have," said David, "with anyone."
"Maybe," said Val.
Perhaps living apart from the others wouldn't be such a bad scenario after all, Valerie thought.
She wouldn't have been able to fuck her boyfriend outside on a deck chair whenever they felt like it if they had still been living with the McKays.
Except she wasn't just fucking her boyfriend.
She had never just fucked David Silver.
Her relationship with David had always been on a deeper level than she had experienced with anyone else, even deeper than she had experienced with Tom.
And that was why, even separate from everyone they loved except Curtis, they were both going to be okay.
Why Valerie could accept what David had said.
That, for once in her life, she didn't question whether the man in her bed - or, rather, her deck chair - would leave.
Because she knew without a trace of uncertainty that he was there to stay.
xx
It gave him supreme satisfaction, to know that the woman in his bed had no intention of leaving.
Couldn't leave even if she wanted to, because she knew as much as he did how indestructible the link was between them.
"Well, Bren?" asked Dylan. He gazed down at her, awaiting her response. "Are we the only couple who knocks a planet off its axis the way we do?"
"The way we do, yes," said Brenda as she brought Dylan's palms towards her face to slide her lips across them. "Because you'd have to be in one of those couples to knock a planet around the way we do, and, husband of mine, I've decided we're remaining in this bed until our girls come home, which means you're confined to the house. So you aren't gonna see any other couples long enough to be in them."
"Sounds like a mighty fine plan to me," said Dylan, pumping on repeat.
He exploded at the same time as Brenda did, drawing her close as they both rode a different kind of high.
"I like feeling you release in me," said Brenda.
"I like releasing in you," said Dylan.
"Was it like this when we made Aria?" asked Brenda.
"It's been like this every time my body's connected with yours," said Dylan. "Which is how I know we were always gonna have our Aria, whatever happened."
"She's still at Nana Iris'," Brenda hinted.
"Still got the place to ourselves," said Dylan.
"Do you like releasing in me enough do it again?" asked Brenda.
"Baby, I'll release in you as many times as you want," said Dylan as they went in for another, slower round.
Until Aria returned and they dressed for their next round of parenting duties, which Dylan thought made his life as close to perfection as one could get.
He had his girls, a horse, and the future promise to his wife of a dog.
That was all he needed to be content.
Truly content, regardless of the court decisions that currently floated around out of his control.
Currently.
If Brenda was going to require a renewal on her guardianship, Dylan was going to be the one approved by the court.
He just had to figure out how, specifically in a style that Jack McKay would declare a disappointment.
Because if Dylan's actions were a disappointment to his late father, then he would know that he was meandering down the right path in life.
That was the path he wanted to be on, with his wife and their family.
He supposed having a video camera trained on him wasn't the worst thing in the world, not if Aria could relive the moments that brought her parents joy.
Like the first time Aria raised her own fist to Brenda's face.
The first time Dylan realized his daughter recognized her parents' faces.
The first time they brought Aria to her aunt's shop, wherein they learnt that Aria, too, was fascinated by music.
And, furthermore, fascinated with the works of Paganini, which then became part of their nightly routine.
-x
Tried something different with this chapter.
Couldn't find information on the flying monkeys' mother and am unsure whether it was mentioned in the episodes, so I took creative license.
Sources: Google, Google Images, and the websites for American Academy of Pediatrics, Cleveland Clinic, Oxford Academic, Verywell Mind, and personal experience.
May you have a happy new year!
See you in 2024.
Thanks a million! x