Garfield League of America 3 Episode Four: The Trial of the Flash!
It was another drab day in drab Central City in the Midwest as Barry Allen The Flash sped around town like the UberEats Man on Speed looking for crimes to stop. But he was finding nothing to do but kick dust, not even a stray jaywalker to manhandle.
"This place really is the pits!" Said The Flash with boredom as he decided to run for a snack attack at the Chinese Food & Donuts Place on Main Street. "Nothing exciting ever happens here. And it has been forever since the Justice League gave me an assignment!"
As The Flash was running he got a phone call. He decided to answer it it even though it was dangerous to use your phone while running at super-speed. "Hello?" The Flash asked he answered.
On the other end of the line, a distorted voiced both vaguely familiar yet totally unknown said
"Eobard Thawne is dead"
And hung up.
"Huh? Who are you and who is deaaaaack" The Flash was not looking where he was running cause he was on his phone and ran right into a lamppost. Moaning and pspitting out of teeth, The Flash dragged himself into the food place.
The Flash got himself a large order of General Tso's with beef chow mein and two chocolate glazed old-fashioneds on the side. As The Flash ate his food he looked up at the TV and saw a familiar face. It was Garfield! Garfield was being awarded Medal of Honor by President Joe Biden while Harley Quinn and Wonder Woman were rubbing all over him.
"Here is your medal recognizing your services to America and freedom worldwide." Said President Joe Biden with awards. "I will also give you Presidential Coupon for private dinner with Vice President Kamala Harris at America's Favorite five-star Italian restaurant Pizza Hut."
"Ah yes I look forward to hammering down important matters of state in her itinerary while rolling the dough if you know what I mean." Said Garfield with winks to President Joe Biden.
"Ha ha Garfield you a smooth player!" President Joe Biden laughed and flashed Garfield a thumbs-up.
"Garfield is the greatest! He's so heroic and manly!" Cute Cashier Maggie Z a cute lass manning the counter said with dreamy eyes.
"Hey I'm The Flash I'm also a man who is a super hero! Care to slip me your number?" The Flash said with braggart introductions.
Cute Cashier Maggie Z looked at him and blinked. "Never heard of ya." She said with disinterest and started looking at her phone.
"Why do they always say that?" The Flash asked bewildered. He finished his meal but something was gnawing on his mind and he needed precise hands to pick at it.
The Flash ran to the Batcave. "Hey Batman I need your advice on something."
"Can this wait? Superman and I are watching TV." Said Batman with indifference as he and Superman sat on the Batcouch eating chicken tenders and watching the director's cut of Michael Mann's Blackhat on blu-ray recently released by Arrow Video. You too can be like Batman and Superman and buy Blackhat from Arrow Video today on 4K UHD or Blu-Ray.
Author's Note: I have not been paid by Arrow Video or Michael Mann to promote their new release of Blackhat
"No it is very urgent." Said The Flash with insistences. "I have noticed that Garfield has been going on all sorts of exciting adventures without us lately! How can I convince Garfield to lemme in on the action? I want a slice of the pie!"
"Have you asked yourself if you really need that pie? Can your stomatch handle so much exicitemant?. Son, a Man's got to know his Limitation.s" Batman asked without even looking at The Flash. "Do not force yourself onto a vainglorious quest to become as manly as Garfield. Obsessing will only lead to insanity and destruction."
"It's about what's fair! I know I can be just as popular as Garfield if I can just have a chance to prove it!" Said The Flash with petulant weeping. "But Garfield never gives me anything not even clean-up duties! I can only conclude that he is jealous of me and keeping me from true greatness out of fear!"
"Bro, you need to like find peace and contentment in your life. Pry away that hardened shell to find the sweet candy center within." Superman advised with zen.
"Screw that I am getting what I am worth." Said The Flash with whining eyes of resentment. "I will prove I am just as great as Garfield even better! I will not just give up like you two sad geezers!"
As The Flash sped off in search of Garfield, Batman and Superman looked at each other and silently nodded as they had just witnessed another foolhardy lamb leading itself down the conveyor belt to slaughter at the meat factory.
The Flash arrived at one of Garfield's coastal manors where he was holding an all-out from dusk till dawn party with live music pyrotechnics and girls.
Jon Arbuckle was bouncing, checking the line and filtering out the riff-raffs who always try to crash.
"Kite-Man!" Said Kite-Man who was in front of The Flash in line.
"Kite-Man, yeah? Go on in." Said Jon Arbuckle with checking of the list.
"Hell Yeah!" Said Kite-Man as he went in.
"Hmm, if Kite-Man is on the list for Garfield's party surely that means I am too!" Said The Flash as he went up to Jon Arbuckle. "Check it buddy, I'm The Flash!"
"Hey you're not on the list!" Said Jon Arbuckle to The Flash and rolled up his sleeves.
"What the blazes? Kite-Man is on the list but I am not?" The Flash thought with disbeilef right as Jon Arbuckle was about to grab him.
"You can't throw out what you can't catch!" Said The Flash as he zipped past Jon Arbuckle with super-speed spinning him dizzy like a dreidel. Hooting with naughtiness The Flash started speeding through every inch of the place in search of The Man. As he ran through the many vast rooms and boundless corridors that were filled with ancient invaluable arts and the hippest new technologies in search of Garfield The Flash could not help but feel a sharp tetanus shot of jealousy at Garfield's amazing crib. It put his drab dingy apartment that he shared with lousy roommates who steal his food to shame!
The Flash heard the sounds of girls giggling with the smell of fresh lasagna wafting from a room at t the end of hall ahead of him. "Garfield! It must be! I will convince him to take me on the next Justice League adventure where I will then upstage him and become the World's New #1 Superhero!" Only for this brilliant plan to be sent awry as a large hook embedded itself in his skin.
Recovering from his disorientation, Jon Arbuckle had calmly prepared a fishing reel. Steeling his nerves and clearing his mind as he charged up his inner power, Jon Arbuckle had let loose a powerful cry of
"AMAKOOOOOOOO" And with an expert cast, Jon Arbuckle caught The Flash hook line and sinker and reeled him in. "I come from a dynasty of master hunters and survivalists! You really thought you could get past me?"
"Don't come around here no more!" Jon Arbuckle then tossed The Flash out onto the street.
"Oh how can this humilatings get any worse?" The Flash said. At that moment a car passed by and splashed him with dirty puddle water that was filled with tapeworms and droppings. Everyone gathered round and pointed fingurs of laughter at The Flash.
The Flash limped home in defeat, his mind stewing with resentments at the unfairness of society and concocting impossible fantasies. He plopped down on his couch which was sagging with many broken springs and topped with torn rank cushions. With super-pseeds he began zipping to and from the fridge to chug down the Miller Lite Beers.
"Barry Allen The Flash your dinner is cold" Informed his girlfriend Iris West as she placed a plate of spaghetti down in front of him.
"Hey this is spaghetti with no meatballs just spaghetti. Not even some cheese. Spaghetti is nothing without the meatballs. What is the malfunction, lady?" The Flash asked Iris West.
"Our finances cannot afford such luxuries on a journalism interns salary alone! I had to take a loan out just to get the sauce." Said Iris West with frugalness in a time of inflation. "Maybe if you got real job instead of playing daydream superhero every day!"
"It is not my fault! I have always tried to be the best of the best yet things are always getting in my way!" Said The Flash as he flash-backed to the Man of Steel incident ten years ago.
The Flash was in Metropolis with intents of making big splashy superhero debut and getting lots of instant fame and licensing deals. Kryptonian World Engines were trying to terraform the Planet into a New Krypton at the cost of all mankind, using the city as Ground Zero. People of Metropolis were running around screaming and dying in terror by the thousands as Superman and General Zod did battle in the sky.
"Oh no I may be Superman but I am still a rookie! How can I fight Zod and the World Engines at once!" Worried Superman with inexperience.
"I am Pure Kryptonian, you should be in awe! So Cease this childish resistance and KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" Zod offered with ultimatum. "Perhaps I will spare a few select humans to linger on as livestock and zoo attractions in New Krypton!"
"Ah-ha! This is my opportunity!" The Flash rubbed his palms with opportunism and sped at Zod with super-speed punch. Only to trip because his shoelaces were untied and he landed facedown with a splat at Zod's feet.
"You see Kal-El? This is what you are trying to save! Don't you see you have made a grave mistake in siding with humanity over your true people?" Zod chastised Superman as he picked The Flash up by his neck and then tossed him through a nearby office building collapsing it. "Now prepare to die and comfort yourself in hell knowing that there was nothing on your planet Man Enough to Stop me!"
"Nothing manly enough to stop Zod?" Asked a familiar manly voice. "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"
General Zod had no time to react as Garfield did the Garfield Kick ORBITAL DESTROYER Variant all the way from space into General Zod's neck snapping it and killing him.
"Urrrrrrrk!" Said General Zod with embarrassed shock in his eyes before his head exploded into a bloody geyser.
"Hi Superman, I'm Garfield." Said Garfield with offering of hand. And thus a new era dawned as the Legendary man Garfield met Superman and they shook. "You have much potential, son. Don't let this bully's words get to you. Keep training and eating lasagna and you could be a man almost as great as me one day."
"Wow Garfield thank you for the kind words of encouragement. Will you do me the honors of stopping the World Engines and sending the Evil Kryptonians back to the Phantom Zone?" Asked Superman with respect. "It will be tough battle I'm Afraid!"
"Hah, no sweat." Garfield confidently laughed. "I eat World Engines for breakfast and those Evil Kryptonians will go down easier than Lasagna Juice."
Meanwhile trapped underneath an office building and completely immobilized The Flash could only look on with envy as Garfield and Superman saved the day and got all the credit. This brought The Flash back to the present in his shaby apartment. He ahd drinked so many Miller Lites that he had built an entire Taj Mahal out of empty cans in front of him.
"Yes I can see clearly now! Garfield is the problem, not me! He knows in his heart of hearts that his feeble lasagna is nothing compared to my SPEED FORCE! He is purposefully sabotating me from attaining rich and successes!" The Flash ranted with dranken megalomania. "Yes I see it clearly now! With the power of the Speed Force I WILL DESTROY GARFIELD!"
"Stop saying crazy things!" Said Iris West with pity. "You need to sober up."
"Shut up Woman. Your incessant whingings falls upon deaf ears. I will have no need for you anyways once Garfield is out of the picture and all his prime-choice WOMEN ARE MINE." Said The Flash as he began playing Rammstein on his laptop to set the mood. As Rammstein blared The Flash used a super-speed smack to send Iris West spiralling into the wall. Her head left a bloody splotch on the wall before it slid down with her eyes rolled back. The Flash looked over Iris Wests unconscious body and then began getting devious idae. "Ah Iris West your corpse will be more useful to me than ever you were as Flesh and Blood. Get ready lil lucy for MILLER TIME."
The Flash put on a cheap halloween mask of Garfield and set up a video camera with the sound off. Hitting record button The Flash vibrating his hand so it was phase through solid matter with intentions of resolidfying it inside Iris West's head.
"Heeheehoo this will be the hottest item on the Late Evening News" The Flash giggled evilly. "AfterI frame Garfield for your murder Iris West he will be thrown in deep dark hole forever and leaving a space in the Super Hero Man community fitting for me to fill!"
"NOT SO FAST EVILDOER! STEP AWAY FROM THE BABE!" Said Garfield's booming heroic voice as he burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man. Stray pieces of the wall flew and hit the laptop exploding it and shutting the music off. Garfield punched The Flash in the face, shattering the fake Garfield mask and exposing The Flash's villainous vissage.
"The Flash I had heard from all my friends that your behavior had grown erratic lately but I would never imagine you would stop so low." Garfield shoook his head with. disgust. "I always thought you had potential to become a great hero one day but you have thrown it all away like the Discus Man at the Olympics."
"Don't you condescend to me Garfield! I will kill you both and make this look like exotic erotic murder suicide!" The Flash snarled as he charged at Garfield with super-speed fists. "YOU CAN'T OUTRUN ME!"
"At the track meet you have to wait for the STARTING PISTOL before you go." Garfield said with calm authority as he focused and with ace precision he uppercutted The Flash's jaw.
"AGGGGGH!" The Flash went flying while thinking HOW IS THIS PSOSIBLE THE SPEED FORCE IS NO MATCH FOR GARFIELD?" and his head got stuck in the floor of the apartment above.
"Gee willikers, Jemina, we got ourselves a Peepin' Tom!" Said a concerned tenant who promptly began beating The Flash with a frying pan.
"owieowieowie" The Flash complained as cartoon birds flew around his head and he went out like the mail.
"Garfield what is happening?" Injured Iris West blinkedh er eyes open.
"Rest easy cocoa lips. You are on the way to top notch American healthcare hospital where you are about to get very special hands-on treatment from the best doctor." Said Garfield with a wink.
"I cannot wait Garfield but what about The Flash?" Asked Iris West.
"He will be waking up in a special kind of bed and breakfast." Said Garfield with promises." Where they serve Gruel instead of pancakes and you never check out."
Days Later The Flash had been fitting with a power dampener collar and imprisoned for attempted murder of Iris West and was awaiting trial in a cell with his father Harry Allen at Iron Heights Prison.
"Barry I warned you would happen." Said Harry Allen with disappointments. "You are hung up so on your past that you have lost all sight of your future. You should have made your own future while you had the chance. Now you are in trouble that no one but the Hangman can get you out of."
"Do not presume I am finished yet old man." Said The Flash with expository twinkle in his eyes. "But you are right... I have never been able to escape the past not since Mom was Murdered and You took the Fall for it. I swore one day I would get you out of here!"
"Good going now we're both stuck till the day we die in here." Said Harry Allen with a sigh.
"No Dad it is only you who is stuck like a tight piece of LEGO. I have the Speed Force and with it the only prison is the limitations of my mind and my mind is as vast as a cornfield in Nebraska." Said The Flash as the track At the Speed of Force from Zack Snyder's Justice League began to play. With unexpected strength The Flash tore off his power dampener collar and the surroundings in the prison cell began to get all screwey.
"Wait what the flip is happening here?" Harry Allen asked as The Flash began to run in place super fast and lightnning crackled everywhere.
"You said it yourself Dad. I can make own future but what if I could also MAKE MY OWN PAST." The Flash said with cackling of a delusional child. "What is Epilogue is merely another Prologue. Past Present and Future is all right now. If my Mom never died I would never have fallen into darkness. Soon I will be a hero and beloved once more! Everything will be good again."
"Do not change the past son! Time travel is dangerous and a fool's game! The past is set in stone for a reason!" Said Harry Allen with dire warnings.
"Even the most cement-cast of stones dislodge with enough force. And what has more force than THE SPEED OF FORCE?" The Flash said and at that moment The Flash disappeared having travelled back in time. Harry Allen looked around in confusings before there was a sudden blink and flash of light. Now he was not in a prison cell he was in a cubicle at the office space.
"Barry what have you done?" Harry Allen asked with building dread.
At that moment, Dread was the last thing on Garfield's mind as he gave Iris West an in-depth hands-on examination in the doctor's office. After dining on the finest of smoked sausages and exotic lasagna wines Garfield rubbed all over her cleavage with his stethoscope before he hammered her all over in the softest parts for testing of reflexes. This was all warm-up for Garfield readied his needle as she spread her legs wide and injected her with the cure for loneliness. Garfield knew not as he and Iris West partook in the most passionate of lovemakings on the surgeon's table without any anesthetic that in a few hours The Crisis at Flashpoint would begin.
To be continued...